Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep12: 15 Fierce Minutes Comedy 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep12: 15 Fierce Minutes Comedy 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Of course every race has its racist, awful people.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is we keep comparing the worst 10% of one race with like the best 10% of another race.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Which is obviously a mistake.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because what we should be doing is we should be getting the worst 10% of every race.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And comparing that.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we can figure out which is the worst race.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you know what?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck it, let's do it right now.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, let's do it right now.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let's figure out which is the worst race.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right now.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: You guys up for it?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, cool.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: On three, I want you to shout out which race thing is the worst.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, don't worry, no, we'll all do it together.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: We'll all do it together.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'll join in.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'll join in.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, this is a comedy show.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is a safe space.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: We asked you to put your phones away for this moment right now.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now's the time to let it out.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is it.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't don't bottle up and go crazy outside.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's lay it out now.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let the demons out now, alright?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even have to be specific, okay?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just shout a color.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, we all know what the answer is gonna be.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, okay, on three.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Worst race, on three, okay?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: One.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is happening! Whether you join in or not, you might as well say something.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't believe it, just as a creative exercise.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Just lay it out.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's like speaking in tongues.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just go.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, okay, on three.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, worst race, on three.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, one.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Worst race.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Two.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Three.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you said anything, you're the worst temperature of your race.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: That was fucking disgusting.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Bunch of goddamn racists coming to my show in New York City.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Completely missing the point of that joke.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's been great meeting the different types of Americans as well.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um think of every of the different races, different ethnicities, different cities, all different people.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Of all the Americans I've met, I think African Americans have got to be the coolest race of them all.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're the coolest.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Everything they do is just cooler.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Everything they touch is just smoother, right?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sports, science, music, presidencies, right?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Everything they do.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: They got the swag.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Black people have the swag.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot deny the swag.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Black people have the swag.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Even white supremacists are like, yeah, they have swag.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like undeniable coolness.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like black people are so cool, they can own their own racial slur.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's how cool they are.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: No the minority in America is cool enough to own their own slur.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, you never see Chinese people walking around just going, hey yo.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hey yo, my chinks.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, where my chanks at?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, holler at my chinks.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: My chinks.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, stay yellow, my fellows.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds awful.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's like nails on a chalkboard.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: My chanks, my checks, my checks.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think outside of America, we we think of America as like a monolith, right?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like America, Americans, like one entity.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: But you live here long enough, you realize it's such a big country.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Every state is like its own nation unto itself, their own cuisine, their own way of talking, their own values, their own flags.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's why there's so much division here.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's all these different countries trying to federate.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it becomes so obvious.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Once you start living here, you can tell the difference between the different types of Americans, the different energies, right?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: From East Coast to West Coast.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's so obvious you can call it out.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like East Coast Americans, super intense.
• 4:34
  unknown: Right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: West Coast, everyone calms the fuck down a bit.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like the East Coast of America, everyone's still fighting the British.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's like they never got over it.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: America is like the whole world is in trouble.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let's use everything we've ever learned, our entire knowledge base, every resource at our disposal, every immigrant who ever got a PhD, every local born PhD student, let's combine forces and create this miracle, mRNA vaccine, in under a year.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And we did it and it fucking works.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And fuck you! We're not gonna take it! Fuck you! We're not taking that shit! We're not taking that! You take it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: We're not taking it, you take it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh what?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh what?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: You want it?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or you want it?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well fuck that.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're not gonna give it to you.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna throw it in the river.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta throw in a river.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: We'll suck it up on the river.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Suck it.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Suck my dick.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you and fuck us.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you and fuck us.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh what?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Does it work?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, it works like a charm.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a 90% efficacy.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: It blows all simulations out of the water, but fuck that shit.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're not taking it.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you and fuck us.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: That is the most American shit ever.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like I said, I used to live in Australia.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I started doing comedy in Australia.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um Australia was always really good to me.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: My wife is Australian and I love my wife a lot.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love my wife so much I married her three times.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, I married the same woman three separate times.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you have Asian parents, you have to get married.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: In every fucking country you have relatives in.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because Asian parents have to brag, okay?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I know every parent has to brag.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying Asian parents also have to brag, and like weddings is how they do it.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So we had to get married three times.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: So the first wedding we had in Melbourne, Australia, because my wife is from Melbourne, Australia.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Then we got married in Kualumpol, Malaysia.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I'm not from Kualumpol, but who gives a fuck what the groom wants, right?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just find nearest landmark in Malaysia everyone can pronounce with the most direct flights.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then we got married in New York for green card purposes.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Three very romantic weddings for the right reasons.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Chain migration.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you something.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let me speak from the heart here for just one minute.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, if you take nothing else away from the show here tonight, please just hear me now.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm speaking from personal experience here.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: There are fewer joys you will experience in life than organizing three weddings at the same time.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, it's so much fun and so easy to do.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I highly recommend it.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, like whenever I bring up another country to my American friends, my American friends will always bring up the one fact they read one time on the back of a Snapple cap.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then just like throw it back at you.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you try to use it to paint the entire history of your civilization with like whatever half-remembered back of the brainstem, regurgitated fact, they can just flick it from this part to like this part as quickly as possible, right?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: You spit it up.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I tell my American friends I grew up in Singapore, they're always like, Singapore?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: You grew up in Singapore.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: They cane people in Singapore.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like in Singapore, if you spit gum on the floor, someone just runs up immediately behind you and just canes you in your ass.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, yeah.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So don't fucking do that shit.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Some kind of innate need of yours to visit other people's countries and spit gum on the floor?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: In which case, please do not visit Singapore because they will cane you on your fucking face.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And like some Americans are like outraged by that.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: The thought of grown men being caned on the ass for being a dick.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's like outrageous to them.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: But what's funny is you ask any American, especially any New Yorker, what they would do if a guest came into their home and spit gum on the floor.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: They would be like, we would beat the fuck out of them.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, that's what we do in Singapore.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: We just outsource the ass kicking to the government.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Becomes a more cost-efficient punishment for everyone involved.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why we pay our taxes?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: My first week in New York, uh, I was on this crowded subway train and it was packed all the way to the doors.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on the train and it's packed all the way to the doors, and the doors start closing in front of me.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as the doors start closing, this guy like walks up to the closing train doors and just jams his fingers.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just right into the door, no regard for his limbs or appendages.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like his need to get on this train exceeded his need to grip things.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: He did a cost-benefit analysis in his head.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, you know what?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is overrated.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Who needs this motion?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Who needs this point of articulation, right?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go on this train, my life will be perfect.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it just creates enough of a gap to stop fighting.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And he fights this train for eight seconds.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: He just fights it to a stalemate.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's a judge's decision.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: He can't move, the train can't move, no one can move.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And after eight seconds, he gets like tired, he starts gassing out.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So he uses his head to jam up the door.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like a door stop.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: S D I readjust his grip, right?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: He starts chalking up his hands for wrong two.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm standing there just facing the top of his oily scalp.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just thinking, yo man, just let it go.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm new in town, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to help you.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, we're both gonna get arrested, okay?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know the social etiquette in this situation.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: All I know is that the train in three minutes.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: That shit would never fly in Malaysia.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Where I'm from in Malaysia, you stick a hand in the door, the door's closed, you get dragged for like a mouth.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: You get brought to your knees by the system.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: As the train runs over you, it starts going after your family, right?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: You start like bleeding out on the tracks, the doors open, we all walk over your dead corpse.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's what you get, you dumb fuck.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not in America.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: In America, one man can stop the entire train line.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because everyone can make a difference.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was walking down West 4th Street in Manhattan, in New York City, minding my own business, not looking at my phone, actually paying attention to the world around me.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: During the pandemic, right, just trying to get some fresh air.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Actually having a nice night.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was walking down the street in Manhattan, looking around, and out of nowhere, this woman walks right up to me, grabs me on the throat, and just starts squeezing her.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I throw her off.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then she squares up.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then I look at her and I just walk away.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's like a normal interaction in New York.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Neither of us said a word.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: The entire time we didn't even make a sound.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't review each other.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because we both knew what was going on.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: We both knew what that whole thing was about.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at her and I was like, Oh, you crazy.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just like everyone on the internet.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, still later, crazy.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't engage and I walked away.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then she looked at me and she was like, Oh, this is not a man who's gonna fight a woman on the street.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: See you later, man.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: We just want separate ways.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that was the end of it.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I still respect that woman more than these fucking Twitter Yelp reviewing bloggers.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because she was unhappy about something in her life, she got off her ass and did something about it.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't just sit behind a keyboard tweeting with her balls, critiquing other people's creations without making anything for themselves, like a bunch of parasites eating the host.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't like Asian people, she went and commit a hate crime.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I can respect that.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's proactive.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's gone to the point where you can flunk out of med school, very next day, review doctors.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't make any sense.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody reviewing everything like they're experts.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: People reviewing comedy.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine that?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Who the fuck reviews comedy?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: So what the fuck do you know about it?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Ever been on stage in your life?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Try to tell me how to do my job?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's like me going to a maternity ward in a hospital and giving women tips on how to give birth.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what kind of fucking asshole would go into a maternity ward and just look for women in labor?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, hey, you really should be pushing harder during childbirth.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't look like you're pushing hard enough during childbirth.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think you're relying too much on your ethnic background during childbirth.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the C-section?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's a real lazy form of childbirth.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Two stars.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's also not my job to teach you how to fucking do comedy, alright?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to find out how to do this, you go do an open mic multiple times a night for the next decade, and you come and tell me.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, if you think there's no artistry to this, if you think it's just about saying offensive shit or never saying anything offensive ever, then you fucking go do it.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: You do and you tell me.