Latest / Andy Stanley Sermons / Andy Stanley - Parenting in the 21st Century Part 3 The Goal of Discipline

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Andy Stanley - Parenting in the 21st Century Part 3 The Goal of Discipline · Andy Stanley Sermons

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  Speaker 1: When our kids were young, we had two rules on
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  Speaker 1: our home just to honor your mother and don't tell
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  Speaker 1: a lie. Honor your mother and don't tell a lie. Now,
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  Speaker 1: having observed a lot of families, we concluded that if
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  Speaker 1: our kids honored Sandra and I honored Sandra, that they
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  Speaker 1: would probably honor me, and hopefully they would honor each other.
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  Speaker 1: And we discovered through the years that honoring mom is
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  Speaker 1: like a keystone rule. It trickles down to just about everybody.
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  Speaker 1: And it was very important to us that our sons,
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  Speaker 1: Andrew and Garrett learned how to honor and show respect
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  Speaker 1: to women. Rule number two, don't tell a lie, was
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  Speaker 1: super important to us. As explained to my children, we
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  Speaker 1: don't tell a lie because liing breaks the relationship. That
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  Speaker 1: was always the reason I gave for never telling a lie.
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  Speaker 1: We don't tell a lie because Moses told us not
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  Speaker 1: to tell a lie. We don't tell lies because lying
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  Speaker 1: breaks the relationship. And I would say to them, the
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  Speaker 1: worst thing that you could do, the worst thing that
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  Speaker 1: could happen from my perspective, is for our relationship to
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  Speaker 1: be broken. So if our kids heard it once, they
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  Speaker 1: heard it a thousand times. The worst thing you can
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  Speaker 1: do is tell a lie. The worst thing you can
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  Speaker 1: do is tell a lie. The worst thing you can
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  Speaker 1: do is tell a lie because lying breaks the relationship.
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  Speaker 1: So when Andrew, our oldest, was about six years old,
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  Speaker 1: the two of us were driving somewhere. He was in
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  Speaker 1: the back seat and he was thinking. I could always
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  Speaker 1: tell what Andrew was thinking because he would get really,
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  Speaker 1: really quiet, and then out of nowhere, he blurts out, Dad,
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  Speaker 1: I know something worse than telling a lie. Now, he'd
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  Speaker 1: been in the back seat the whole time trying to
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  Speaker 1: come up with something that's worse than telling a lie.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, surely there's something worse than telling a lie.
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  Speaker 1: So I said, really, Andrew, what's worse than telling a lie?
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  Speaker 1: And he said worshiping the devil, which is really hard
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  Speaker 1: to argue with. So from that point on, we had
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  Speaker 1: three rules in our family. Honor mom, don't tell a lie,
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  Speaker 1: and don't worship the devil. Anyway, this is part three
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  Speaker 1: of our series entitled Parenting and the twin he first Century.
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  Speaker 1: So if you are a parent about to be a parent,
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  Speaker 1: you hope to be a parent, maybe you're helping another
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  Speaker 1: parent parent, or maybe you're watching your own kid's parent.
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  Speaker 1: This series is for you. It's basically for anybody who
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  Speaker 1: feels the weight and the responsibility of equipping an infant,
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  Speaker 1: a child, a teenager, a student for life. But as
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  Speaker 1: I pointed out in episode one of this series, when
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  Speaker 1: it comes to good examples of family and parenting, unfortunately
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  Speaker 1: the Bible is really not all that helpful. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: the Bible is not even encouraging. On the other hand,
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  Speaker 1: when it comes to examples of real world family dysfunction,
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  Speaker 1: the Bible's kind of your go to source. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: even Jesus experienced conflict with his siblings. They thought he
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  Speaker 1: was crazy. They thought he was crazy until after the
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  Speaker 1: Resurrection anyway. But Jesus, as we said last time, Jesus
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  Speaker 1: and the authors of the New Testament provide us with
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  Speaker 1: a foundation and applications for being great parents. And while
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  Speaker 1: Jesus never talked about parenting directly, he laid the foundation
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  Speaker 1: for New Testament parenting. When he laid the foundation for
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  Speaker 1: New Testament behavior, he laid the foundation for New Testament behavior.
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  Speaker 1: When he issued his new Covenant command, he called it
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  Speaker 1: his new command, a new command I give you, And
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  Speaker 1: here it was to love others, to love others as
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  Speaker 1: Jesus or as He loved us. So the way forward
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  Speaker 1: for us parents is actually embedded in that one big,
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  Speaker 1: all encompassing command. I use the term embedded because the
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  Speaker 1: implications for parenting are not necessarily a parent. After all,
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  Speaker 1: Jesus wasn't talking specifically to parents when he commanded us
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  Speaker 1: to love as He loved. Fortunately, as we said last time,
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  Speaker 1: the apostle Paul would come along and he would give
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  Speaker 1: us some handles. He would give us some love handles. Essentially,
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  Speaker 1: he would explain what it looks like to love. He
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  Speaker 1: would explain what it looks like to apply the Jesus
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  Speaker 1: brand of love in the real world. He would basically say,
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  Speaker 1: here's how love behaves, Here's how love behaves under pressure,
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  Speaker 1: Here's how love behaves at home. Now, in my opinion,
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  Speaker 1: Paul's most famous explanation of what the Jesus brand of
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  Speaker 1: love looks like and behaves like is actually found in
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  Speaker 1: his letter to Christians living in corinth And we call
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  Speaker 1: it the Letter of First Corinthians. And last week we
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  Speaker 1: began our journey through Paul's application list. But if you
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  Speaker 1: were with us last time, you'll remember we only got
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  Speaker 1: three words in love is patient. We got stuck there because, well,
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  Speaker 1: let's face it, oftentimes parenting falls apart right there with patients. Right.
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  Speaker 1: But Paul has a lot more to say in this
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  Speaker 1: chapter that pertains directly to parenting. So here we go.
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  Speaker 1: Love is patient. Up next, Love is kind. Now, the
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  Speaker 1: term kind sounds a little soft, It might even sound weak,
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  Speaker 1: but kindness is actually an expression of strength. In fact, unkindness,
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  Speaker 1: Unkindness is weakness. Unkindness is actually it actually demonstrates a
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  Speaker 1: lack of self control. If you are unkind, you have
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  Speaker 1: lost control of yourself. Something else is controlling you. Unkindness
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  Speaker 1: demonstrates a lack of self awareness. Unkind people they don't
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  Speaker 1: even know they're unkind. I've shared this definition with you before,
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  Speaker 1: but honestly, I think it's more relevant in a discussion
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  Speaker 1: on parenting than anywhere else. Kindness, this is so important.
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  Speaker 1: Kindness is choosing to loan someone your strength rather than
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  Speaker 1: reminding them of their weakness. It's loaning someone your strength
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  Speaker 1: rather than reminding them of their weakness. Now, parents, here's
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  Speaker 1: the thing. Your children already know where and when they failed.
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  Speaker 1: They do not need to be reminded, especially by you. Mom.
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  Speaker 1: Your words weigh one hundred pounds and Dad our words,
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  Speaker 1: they weigh five hundred pounds, and I'm not sure why,
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  Speaker 1: but they just do. So Loan your children your strength
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  Speaker 1: and let the world remind them of their weakness. Let
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  Speaker 1: the world remind them of their shortcomings. Like you, they
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  Speaker 1: wake up every single day wondering if they measure up,
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  Speaker 1: if they've got what it takes. Every day, the world
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  Speaker 1: they live in makes them doubt themselves when they fail,
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  Speaker 1: when they fall, when they fall short, when they don't
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  Speaker 1: measure up, when they mess up. Find a way, this
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  Speaker 1: is so important, Find a way to side with them,
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  Speaker 1: not against them. Loan them your strength. When I got
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  Speaker 1: my first traffic ticket, I was sixteen years old and
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  Speaker 1: I was driving home from school in my mom's beige
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  Speaker 1: four door Catalina, a spectacularly unimpressive vehicle. And when I
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  Speaker 1: got the ticket, of course, I was so afraid to
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  Speaker 1: tell my dad. And when I told him, he certainly
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  Speaker 1: wasn't happy, But he did not remind me of what
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  Speaker 1: I already knew. Instead, and he didn't have this terminology,
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  Speaker 1: but instead he loaned me his strength. That's why I
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  Speaker 1: still remember the story. He didn't bail me out. If
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  Speaker 1: he had bailed me out that would have been a
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  Speaker 1: reminder of my weakness. Hey give me that ticket, son,
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  Speaker 1: I'll find out what you need to do. Implication being andy,
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  Speaker 1: you can't do anything right, including figure out how to
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  Speaker 1: handle a traffic ticket. Instead, he took the posture that
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  Speaker 1: I've tried to take with my kids. Essentially, his posture
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  Speaker 1: was this, oh no, oh no, oh no. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: this is a great habit to get into whenever your
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  Speaker 1: kids get into trouble. Just oh no, that's too bad.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you got a ticket. I held out
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  Speaker 1: the ticket and he didn't even take it out of
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  Speaker 1: my hand. He asked, so, what's next, and of course
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  Speaker 1: I didn't know, and he said, well, turn it over
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  Speaker 1: on the back, there's some instructions, and then he just
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  Speaker 1: left it to me to figure it out. He honored
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  Speaker 1: me by assuming I was smart enough to figure out
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  Speaker 1: and responsible enough to follow through. He sided with me,
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  Speaker 1: not against me, and I ended up going to court
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  Speaker 1: and he went with me. I actually had to go
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  Speaker 1: before a judge. But I never doubted in the whole
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  Speaker 1: process that my dad was not only with me. My
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  Speaker 1: dad was for me. He loaned me his strength. Now
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  Speaker 1: while I'm on this and this is a big deal.
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  Speaker 1: You should This is why you should never and you're not.
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  Speaker 1: Some of you are gonna disagree with this, but I'll
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  Speaker 1: just throw it out there anyway. This is why you
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  Speaker 1: should never announce a punishment ahead of time to your children.
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  Speaker 1: This is such a big deal. Never announce a punishment
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  Speaker 1: ahead of time. That's actually siding against your children. Here's
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  Speaker 1: what that communicates. Not only do you have the potential
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  Speaker 1: to mess up, I'm anticipating it. I'm prepared for it.
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  Speaker 1: Here's what's gonna happen if you break the rule. So
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  Speaker 1: never announce a punishment ahead of time. Don't threaten, just
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  Speaker 1: expect the best, and then act shocked when they mess up.
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  Speaker 1: Oh no, oh no, I didn't see this coming. That's terrible.
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  Speaker 1: Now you're gonna have to face the consequences. I hate
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  Speaker 1: that for you take their side and then honor them
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  Speaker 1: by allowing them to carry the full weight of the consequences. Again,
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  Speaker 1: we'll talk a little bit more about dicipline later and
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  Speaker 1: this will make a little more sense. But one more
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  Speaker 1: thing on this. As your kids get older and they
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  Speaker 1: mess up, break a rule, whatever, one of the first
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  Speaker 1: things they want to know is what one of The
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  Speaker 1: first things they want to know is what are you
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  Speaker 1: going to do? You know, what's the punishment? Act? Unprepared? Say,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. I am so surprised by this behavior.
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  Speaker 1: I just never thought you would whatever it is they did,
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  Speaker 1: and leave them hanging. Now, when they're young, you gotta
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  Speaker 1: be swift, you gotta connect the dots. But once they're older,
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  Speaker 1: drag it out and again this will make more sense
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  Speaker 1: in just a few minutes. The point here is simply this,
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  Speaker 1: side with them before you discipline them, because this is
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  Speaker 1: what God did for you. Think about it. If you're
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  Speaker 1: a Christian of a Jesus follower, while you were still
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  Speaker 1: a sinner, while you were still a sinner, God said,
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  Speaker 1: what you're a sinner? Ugh No, while you were still
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  Speaker 1: a sinner, Christ sided with you. He died for you,
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  Speaker 1: He loaned you his strength. He did for you which
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  Speaker 1: you could not do for yourself. So quick question before
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  Speaker 1: we move on, what is your go to response? What
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  Speaker 1: is your go to response to weakness in your children?
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  Speaker 1: Think about this. What is your natural reaction? What is
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  Speaker 1: it you say? How do you respond? What is your
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  Speaker 1: go to response? When you sense weakness or failure in
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  Speaker 1: your children? Do you side with them, or more specifically,
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  Speaker 1: do they feel as if you side with them? Or
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  Speaker 1: do you side and move against them? Love is patient,
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  Speaker 1: Love is kind Moving on. Here's what Paul says next.
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  Speaker 1: Love does not envy, Love does not boast, and love
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  Speaker 1: is not proud. The reason I put these three together
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  Speaker 1: is because they communicate one very very important idea, especially
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  Speaker 1: when it comes to parenting. Love allows the other person
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  Speaker 1: to shine. Love isn't threatened by someone else's success. Love
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  Speaker 1: fully celebrates. But here's something to consider. Here's what gets
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  Speaker 1: in the way of that with families. If you don't
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  Speaker 1: feel good about yourself, if you don't feel good about yourself,
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  Speaker 1: if you don't feel good about something about yourself, it
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  Speaker 1: is hard to let others feel good about themselves. If
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  Speaker 1: you don't feel good about yourself, it is very difficult
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  Speaker 1: to let others shine. It's very difficult to celebrate others.
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  Speaker 1: It's very difficult to allow others to feel good about themselves.
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  Speaker 1: You will find it hard to allow your children to
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  Speaker 1: feel good about themselves. And when I say that, you
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  Speaker 1: think Andy absolutely not. But I want you to think
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  Speaker 1: about this. If this is true of you, you will
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  Speaker 1: have a difficult time celebrating their successes without pointing out
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  Speaker 1: something they could have done better, should have done better,
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  Speaker 1: and should consider next time. And if that is your habit,
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  Speaker 1: if every time they succeed, every time they get an award,
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  Speaker 1: every time they just do anything good, you find yourself
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  Speaker 1: going right into coaching mode instead of being able to
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  Speaker 1: dand back and just celebrate their success. Mom. Dad, you
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  Speaker 1: need to look in the mirror and I'll tell you
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  Speaker 1: where this The other dynamic where this plays out is
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  Speaker 1: in the area of sarcasm. Sarcasm. There is no place
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  Speaker 1: for sarcasm between a parent and a child, and generally
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  Speaker 1: it's the parent that starts it right and this is
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  Speaker 1: true regardless of the age of your children. Just eliminate it.
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  Speaker 1: And here's why your words way too much. They cut
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  Speaker 1: too deep and sarcasm. Sarcasm is at best for peers,
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  Speaker 1: but you and your children are not peers. And here's
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  Speaker 1: the thing, especially dads, you'll always win the sarcasm contest,
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  Speaker 1: and love never tries to win. Besides your sarcasm, it
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  Speaker 1: may actually be a reflection of your own insecurity. I
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  Speaker 1: was just kidding and I was just playing. Okay, those
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  Speaker 1: phrases are a waste of breath. The damage is done.
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  Speaker 1: It's unkind Moving on now the next The next that
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  Speaker 1: the apostle Paul introduces early on, became and continues to
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  Speaker 1: be a centerpiece in our home. You'll find this next
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  Speaker 1: term at the center of every mutually satisfying relationship when
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  Speaker 1: a family, or a community, or a company or a
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  Speaker 1: country embraces this one dynamic concept. Honestly, it eliminates the
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  Speaker 1: need for countless rules, laws and regulations. It's why we
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  Speaker 1: only had two standard rules in our home, and it's
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  Speaker 1: why honor mom was at the top of the list.
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  Speaker 1: Paul states it in the negative. Here's what he writes.
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  Speaker 1: He says, love does not dishonor others. Love does not
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  Speaker 1: dishonor others honor. In the families that Sandra and I
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  Speaker 1: were most impressed with, there was a culture of mutual respect.
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  Speaker 1: They honored one another. I love this word. They deferred
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  Speaker 1: to each other, and there was no tolerance, no tolerance
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  Speaker 1: for dishonor, no tolerance for disrespect. None honest intense communicationation absolutely,
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  Speaker 1: but not disrespect. So the way we figured it, again,
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  Speaker 1: going back to what I said earlier, if I honored
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  Speaker 1: Sandra and if I insisted the kids honored Sandra, it
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  Speaker 1: would set a tone for them to honor each other
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  Speaker 1: and ultimately me. And here's the thing, and here's why
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  Speaker 1: this is so important. Honor. Honor is superior to obedience.
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  Speaker 1: Honor is superior to obedience. If your goal raising your
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  Speaker 1: kids is simply obedience, you are selling your kids short.
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  Speaker 1: You are parenting to the lowest common denominator and an
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  Speaker 1: environment of honor, there is virtually again, no need for
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  Speaker 1: rules where there is a lack of honor. You can't
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  Speaker 1: have enough rules, right, you have to cover every eventuality.
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  Speaker 1: And if you don't have a culture of honor in
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  Speaker 1: your home, you know this, it's exhausting. It just becomes
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  Speaker 1: a game of catch me if you can. You said
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  Speaker 1: to be home by nine, but you didn't say nine pm. Right,
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  Speaker 1: But it doesn't have to be that way. So don't
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  Speaker 1: aim for and don't settle for obedience. It's again, obedience
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  Speaker 1: addresses the lowest common denominator. Obedience is really an answer
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  Speaker 1: to the question, what is the least I can do
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  Speaker 1: without getting into trouble without suffering any consequences. Besides, you
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  Speaker 1: know this, obedience. Obedience isn't at the heart of every
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  Speaker 1: mutually satisfying relationship, but honor always is. In fact, obedience
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  Speaker 1: isn't even a factor, and a mutually satisfying relationship, but honor,
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  Speaker 1: honor all ways is. Years ago, we had a foster
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  Speaker 1: child who was a teenager. She stayed with us a
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  Speaker 1: long time, and when she came to live with us,
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  Speaker 1: she was there probably a week, maybe a week and
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  Speaker 1: a half, and I'll never forget. She came downstairs. She
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  Speaker 1: sat at the kitchen counter and she looked at Sandra
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  Speaker 1: and me and she said, literally, what are the rules here?
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  Speaker 1: What are the rules here? Now we knew her enough
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  Speaker 1: to know she wasn't asking us about the rules because
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  Speaker 1: she wanted to keep the rules. She was looking for
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  Speaker 1: a way to work around the rules. But you can't
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  Speaker 1: work around the rules until you know the rules. So
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  Speaker 1: she sat right down, she said what are the rules?
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  Speaker 1: And I smiled. I said, well, that's that's not how
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  Speaker 1: we do it here. And I literally got a three
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  Speaker 1: x five card and I wrote the word honor on
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  Speaker 1: it and I slid it across the counter and I said,
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  Speaker 1: this is how we do it here. And she rolled
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  Speaker 1: her eyes and she went back upstairs. Because like a
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  Speaker 1: lot of people, like our kids, to some extent. She
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  Speaker 1: just she really wanted to know how low can I go?
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  Speaker 1: She was looking for a loophole, She was looking for workarounds.
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  Speaker 1: But there are no loopholes, and there are no workarounds
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  Speaker 1: with honor. But here's the thing, and here's why I'm
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  Speaker 1: spending so much time on it. Honor or learning how
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  Speaker 1: to honor another person is not intuitive. It doesn't come
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  Speaker 1: naturally because it actually strikes at the heart of our
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  Speaker 1: self centeredness, because it demands we put someone else ahead
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  Speaker 1: of ourselves. In fact, the apostle Paul and another letter
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  Speaker 1: comes right out and says as much. In his letter
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  Speaker 1: to Christians living in Rome, he writes this statement. It's
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  Speaker 1: so powerful. He says, Christians or Jesus followers, be devoted
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  Speaker 1: to one another in love, honor one another. And here
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  Speaker 1: it is, here's the rub, here's the tension. Honor one
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  Speaker 1: another above yourselves. In other words, put others first, not
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  Speaker 1: because they deserve to be put first, but because, as
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  Speaker 1: a Jesus follower, you are celebrating the fact that God
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  Speaker 1: put you first when he allowed his son to get
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  Speaker 1: up under the weight of your sin. So model it,
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  Speaker 1: teach it, and expect it, and early on look for
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: ways to build honoring behavior into the rhythm of your
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: family life. When our kids were super young and there were,
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  Speaker 1: you know, toys everywhere in the house, Sandra would have
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  Speaker 1: the kids straighten things up before I got home in
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  Speaker 1: the afternoons because she knew how much I loved order
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  Speaker 1: and I didn't like to walk into chaos, just kind
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  Speaker 1: of my personality. But here's what she didn't say. She
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  Speaker 1: didn't say, kids, we need to clean up. Your dad's
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  Speaker 1: coming home, and we don't want to want him to
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  Speaker 1: be in a bad mood. What she said was this.
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  Speaker 1: She taught them that. She said, daddy's coming home, so
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  Speaker 1: let's make it nice for him. She was teaching them
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  Speaker 1: what to do. She was teaching them the value of honor.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: We're going to honor your father by creating an environment
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: that we know that he will enjoy. And here's the
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: interesting thing. For many years, I didn't even know she
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: was doing that. In fact, the way I found out
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: is I overheard her explaining this habit that she developed
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: to some other moms. Another way that we developed the
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: rhythm or the habit of honor in our home is
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: at dinner time, I, along with our kids, would stand.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: In fact, we still do this. Would stand behind our
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: chairs and we would wait. We wait until Sandra is seated. Otherwise,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: as soon as the food shows up, well you've been there, right,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: especially with little kids, and having everyone stand behind their
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: chair and wait was a way of putting Sandra first.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: It was honoring their mother. It wasn't simply being obedient
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: to their mom. This was a part of the rhythm
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: of our family. It illustrated our honor for Sandra. And
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: then when they were in middle school and high school
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: and they would have friends over for dinner, it was
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: kind of funny the friends. As soon as Sandra would say, hey,
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: dinner's ready, that the friends would come over to the
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: table and they would just PLoP down in their chairs.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: Then they would suddenly notice they were the only ones seated.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: They would stand back up, stand behind their chairs, look
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: around and have no idea what was going on. And
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: then Sandro would sit down and everybody else would be
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: seated and we would begin to eat. But after a
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: while they learned. We trained our kids friends. So the
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: point is simply this, look for ways to model honor
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: and build it into the culture of your home and
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: mom and dad. You know, this, but I'll say it anyway.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: It begins with you. It begins with the way that
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: you treat and honor each other. Again, Paul's words are
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: so instructive for married couples. Be devoted. Look at this,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: be devoted to one another. And everything that flows from
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: the word devoted actually explains what it looks like to
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: be devoted to one another. And if you're devoted to
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: one another, Paul says, here's what it looks like be
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: devoted to one another in love. How do we do it? Paul,
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: It's simple, you honor one another above your selves. That
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: healthy marriage is always characterized by mutual submission. In the
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Book of Ephesians, the Letter of Ephesians, he says this.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: He says, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: In other words, put the other person first. As I've
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: suggested on multiple occasions, marriage marriage, a healthy marriage is
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: simply a submission competition. It is a race to the
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: back of the line. And you know this, Any other
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: type of competition in marriage results in a winner and
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: a loser. And if your spouse loses, you haven't really
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: won anything. Now we're going to continue with Paul's love
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: handles next time. But before we wrap up, I want
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: to get really practical. If you choose, and I hope
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: you will, if you choose kindness and honor as centerpieces
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: for your home, then any behavior that's dishonoring requires a response.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: It requires disciplining. Now and our family, for us, dishonoring
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: behavior was anything that we referred to as one of
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: the three d's. These were the three d's, dishonesty, disrespect,
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: and disobedience. Anytime there was dishonesty, disrespect, or disobedience, we
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: we disciplined for these three things. Now, childish behavior that
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: was different. We corrected for childish behavior because we have
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: to teach our kids and coach our kids. But we
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: disciplined for the three d's. So if you choose kindness
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: and honor as centerpieces for your family, then any behavior,
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: any behavior that's dishonoring, requires discipline. You can't ignore it.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: Ignoring it rewards it. And what's rewarded is repeated. What's
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: rewarded is repeated. So if you, I mean, if you
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: want to raise dishonest, dis respectful kids, just ignore it
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: when you see it. That's really all it takes. Nature
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: will take it from there. But if you don't want
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: dishonest disrespectful kids. You have to discipline for it. But
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: here's the thing. For the discipline to be effective, not
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: just scary, and not just something to be avoided. For
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: discipline to be effective, the discipline must directly address the
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: fact that a relationship has been damaged. In other words,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: there has to be a correlation, and maybe a question
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: will help explain this. If dishonoring behavior, think about it
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: this way. If dishonoring behavior breaks or undermines a relationship,
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: that's remember lying you know, I don't want you to lie,
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: because lying breaks the relationship. If dishonoring behavior breaks or
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: underminds a relationship, what should the goal of your discipline be?
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: I want you to think about this if if the
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: fundamental problem with dishonesty and disrespect or disobedience is that
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: it disrupts or undermines the relationship between you and your children,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: or maybe between your children and someone else. If the
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: real issue, and it is, if the real issue is
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: a break in trust, a break in the relationship, what
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: should the goal of your discipline be. When we discipline
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: our children, what should we be trying to accomplish? Now again,
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I've been doing this a long time. I spent many,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: many years working with middle school and high school parents,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: and here's what I observe. For many parents, and I
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: understand this for many parents, there's not really a goal.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: But if there's not a goal in your discipline, then
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: it's not really discipline, it's just punishment. Because discipline makes
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: a person better. This is why we all wish we
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: were more disciplined. But punishment, punishment rarely makes anybody better.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Punishment just makes people careful so they don't get caught
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: next time. It doesn't make us better, but it certainly
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: has the potential to make us better. Right, And here's why.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Because the message of punishment is this, if you don't
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: obey me, bad things will happen to you. And when
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: you think about most of the punishment that goes on
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: in most homes, assuming it's going on, it's really a
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: little more than payback. You did something bad, so I'll
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: do something bad to you. You inconvenience to me, or
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: you embarrassed me, so I'm going to inconvenience and I'm
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: going to embarrass you. So again. If dishonoring behavior breaks
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: or undermines the relationship, think about it. Then what should
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: the goal of your discipline be And the answer is
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: The answer is restoration of the relationship. The goal of
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: discipline is restoration of the relationship. If disobedience, disrespect, dishonesty
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: damage the relationship with you or anyone else, the discipline
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: should facilitate restoring the relationship. So here's the takeaway. Discipline
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: your children. Discipline your children in the direction of relationship restoration.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: And the sooner you start, the better, because relation ship
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: restoration is something that must be taught. We don't come
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: into the world understanding how to do this. And in fact,
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: let's face it, you know some adults who've never figured
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: this out. Perhaps you've never figured this out. If you
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: have ever said, if you've ever said I don't know
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: why you're still upset I said I was sorry. If
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: you have ever said this or anything like this, perhaps
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: you've never learned the art of restoring a relationship. I
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: don't know why you're still upset? I said I was sorry.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: You know what the implication is. The implication is, does
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: it saying sorry restore the relationship? I mean, does it
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: saying sorry get us back to where we were before? No?
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: In fact, in some cases, simply saying you're sorry is insulting.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: It communicates you know, something must be wrong with you
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: if you're still not okay after I said I was sorry. Now,
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: the fact that so many parents don't understand this explains honestly,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: I think why so many parents are so ineffective with
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: their discipline. They punish. It's just a standalone event. There's
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: no goal and there's no lasting outcome, and nobody is
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: better and nobody is better off. And I think too,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: it's why there's such little creativity and parental discipline. Parents
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: just take things away. Maybe this is your habit. They
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: put their kids in time out when they're older. They
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: just put them on restriction and ground them, none of
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: which has anything to do with restoring a broken relationship.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: Jimmy mouthed off to me, So I took his PlayStation
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: away for a week. Really, well, how's the relationship going? Well,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: he hates me. Taking stuff away should be a last
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: resort because nobody learns anything. They just try harder not
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: to get caught next time. Now, if you're tracking along
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: with me, you may be thinking, and I hope you're thinking, Okay, Andy,
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: I get it, But how what does it look like?
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: What do I do, And I'm going to give you
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: two examples in a minute. But here's the thing. You
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: are smart enough to figure this out once you recognize
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: and this is so important. This is important in your marriage,
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: This is important raising your kids. This is important for
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: your kids to understand. This is important in every relationship.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: At the heart of every transgression is a damaged relationship.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: At the heart of every transgression. I know this is
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: kind of you know, a big somewhat of a Bible
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: word at the heart of any act of dishonesty or disrespect.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: At the heart of every transgression, something hasn't just happened.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: At the heart, at the epicenter of what happened, is
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: a damaged relationship. Consequently, the discipline must in some way
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: restore the relationship. Otherwise it's not discipline, it's just behavior modification.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: If it involves someone outside your family of the relationship
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: may never be completely restored because the other party may
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: not be interested in having a relationship with you or
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: your kids. But and even in a situation like that,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: you still need to coach your kids in the art
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: is art of building a relational bridge, especially if they
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: participated in tearing it down to begin with. Now, this
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: really is not as difficult as it may seem. In fact,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: as soon as your kids could talk, you probably taught
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: them to apologize. I mean, I certainly hope. So an
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: apology is part of relationship restoration. Here's a little tip
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: on apologies. Require your children to apologize in complete sentences.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Sorry is not a complete sentence. Sorry is a sorry
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: excuse for an apology. They've got to own it. So
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: they need a pronoun. I'm sorry. I said this so
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: many times. Are our kids going up? Especially when I
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: forced them to apologize to each other? All right, you know,
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: tell her you're sorry. Sorry, No, nope, nope, we need
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: a pronoun I'm sorry. You've got to own it. And
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: of course you look them right in the eye. I
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: bet you've taught your kids that. But here's the thing
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: our kids need to understand. What regardless of how old
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: your kids are, they need to understand that when they're
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: dishonest or disrespectful, they've taken something away from the other person,
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: and consequently, because they've taken something away, they owe that
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: person something. This is why we say you owe them
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: an apology, but in most cases we owe them more
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: than an apology. So here's what I want to suggest
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: you teach your kids to say. And if you don't
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: like my version of this, come up with your own.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Here's here's what you teach them to say. You teach
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: them to say I'm sorry, I And then of course
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: they need to explain exactly what they're sorry for. You
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: got to make them say it so they can own it.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry I disobeyed you, I'm sorry I kicked over
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: your blocks. I'm sorry I came home late. You know,
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry I didn't answer when you call whatever it is,
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, right, And then add this is there anything
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: I can do to make it up to you? Now,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: let me just warn you. They're gonna hate this part.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: They're gonna hate this, But I'm telling you this is
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: how you help your children understand that they took something
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: and they owe something. They took something and they owe something.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: What can I do to make it up to you?
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: And when you teach them to think this way, you're
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: laying the groundwork for restoration and restitution. Sometimes it's appropriate
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: to ask someone for forgiveness, but honestly, sometimes it's not.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: And we will save a discussion on that for another time.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: A couple of illustrations. When our boys were around eight
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: and ten years old, Sandra and I came home from
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: a date and discovered that they had been extremely disrespectful
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: to the babysitter. I mean, it was a nightmare, and
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: this is somebody we'd known for a long time, and
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: she was hesitant to complain, but she did, and we
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: were so glad she did, and she needed to. When
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: we got home, the boys were asleep, so we didn't
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: wake them up. But the next morning Sandra woke them up,
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: sent them to their little desk and had them write
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: an apology note to Pam. Each one wrote an apology note,
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: but that was just the beginning. When they finished, Sandra
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: read over the notes to make sure they were fine.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: Then she told them to get dressed up a little bit,
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: get their little wallets, and get some money out of
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: their savings jar and meet her in the car. And
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: they had no idea what was going on, and she
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: did not tell them until everybody was buckled up and
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: they were driving down the driveway. Then she laid out
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: the game plan. She said, boys, we are going to
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: Kroger and you're going to go inside and you're going
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: to buy Pam flowers with your own money, and then
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: we're going to drive to Pam's office and you're going
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: to deliver the flowers and the notes, and you're going
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: to apologize. And they were mortified. Honestly, they would have
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: preferred that we take away everything in their rooms for
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: an indefinite period of time. And not to mention, they
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: hated wasting their money on flowers. They were humiliated, they
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: were shamed. It was perfect. And here's the other thing.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: Pam didn't know they were coming, so picture this, and
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: neither did the other people in her office, So imagine it.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: You know. Here they walk in, and here's Sandra and
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: these two little boys with these flowers and an envelope,
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: and they make their way to her office, and of
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: course she was in tears, and Sandra was standing behind them.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: They rehearsed in the car exactly what they're gonna say,
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: and they're not just gonna say sorry. They're gonna say
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, and then they are going to elaborate on
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: exactly what they were sorry for. It was wonderful, it
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: was terrible. It was perfect. But when all was said
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: and done, and when all was set and paid for
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: the relationship, was restored. Sandra disciplined them in the direction
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: of relationship restoration. Now granted, because I know what some
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: of you moms are thinking, that was that took a
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: lot of time, of course it did. It was time consuming,
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: It required some creativity, but it was discipline. It wasn't
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: just punished. It was a means to an end. They
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: were better for it. Years later, years later, the boys
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: are old enough to drive, and one of our sons
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: was extremely disrespectful to Sandra. Remember rule number one, honor
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: your mother. I wasn't there when it happened, but when
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: I found out I was, I was furious. I was
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: so mad, but I knew, you know, I mean, he's
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: sixteen years old, just you know, taking stuff away. That's
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: not going to accomplish anything. It doesn't restore anything. And
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: an apology wasn't enough. She was really hurt, and understandably,
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: so this required something big, and this required something memorable.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: So after I calmed down, and you know, earlier in
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: this message, I said, don't rush to creating a judgment,
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: don't rush to creating a discipline, because sometimes you need time.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: And the reason we're not creative is because we rushed.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: So I gave it some time. He knew he was
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: in trouble, he knew there would be consequences. He was accustomed.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: My kids were accustomed at this point to me dragging
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: this out. No immediate response to the point. Sometimes they
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: thought I forgot, but of course you never forgot. So
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: after I calmed down, I asked the question, I want
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: all of us to begin asking how do I discipline?
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: How do I discipline toward restoration? And according to Sandra,
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: what I came up with was my finest parenting moment.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: I required him to ask his mother out and take
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: his mother out on a date. He would ask her out,
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: he would drive, he would choose the restaurant. It would
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: be somewhere nice, and he would pay for dinner. And
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: he looked at me and he said, are you kidding?
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: And I said no. And honestly, I think he was
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: probably tempted to just hand me his keys, but I
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: would not have accepted them. So he took Sandra to dinner,
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: and you can imagine what happened. Talked, they reconnected. I
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: didn't have to ask him to apologize. It happened naturally,
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: and Sandra would tell you it is one of her
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: most cherished memories, so you can do this. And you
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: know where I got all this. It's at the center
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: of our faith. For all have sin and broken their
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: relationship with God? And what did God do? Punish us? No,
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: he didn't have to, because you'll discover this eventually. Sin
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: has a built in wage, sin has a built in
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: payment plan. All sins come prepackaged with a punishment, a consequence.
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: So instead, what did God do? He made the first
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: move to restore us, and then he sent us out
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: into our broken world to restore our broken relationships, the
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: relationships we broke, the ones that we broke through our
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: dishonesty and our disrespect, the relationships we damage through our
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: impatience and our unkindness, our dishonoring responses and behavior. And
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: He's given us the responsibility of teaching our children how
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: to restore their broken relationships as well. So loan them
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: your strength. Stop with the sarcasm and discipline toward relationship restoration.
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: That's good parenting. And that's what your heavenly Father did
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: for you. And we will pick it up right there
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: next time. In Part four of Parenting in the twenty
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: first Century,