Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / How to know if you should leave a relationship (without feeling you are giving up)

Transcript

How to know if you should leave a relationship (without feeling you are giving up) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode Afterday.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: So in this episode, we are going to be talking
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: about how to know the difference between when you should
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: really stay in a relationship and this concept of fighting
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: for a relationship and when you should really leave if
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: you're on the fence questioning, And it doesn't necessarily have
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: to be an unhealthy relationship, although I absolutely am going
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: to touch on things that might make you realize that
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: certain traits about the relationship or your partner are actually unhealthy.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: It could even be a completely healthy relationship as well.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: But if you're in this thing of like should I leave,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I should be leaving? Should I
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: stay and fight for this thing? Would I regret leaving
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: if I hadn't given it my all? What would make
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: me feel comfortable to actually leave knowing that I did
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: my best and I can walk away knowing that there's
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: kind of like no stone left unturned to that kind
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: of feeling. If we are talking about an unhealthy relationship,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: you're going to have clear kind of indicators or markers
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: for these red flags, and then I think you'll feel
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: a lot more comfortable walking away if that's the case.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: So let's before we get into that. Of course, if
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: you haven't already, go check out my substack notts on
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: the mind dot substack dot com. Go and subscribe. You
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: also get if you are a paid subscriber, you get
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: access to the fucking hotel Mindset app with meditations and
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff as well. Mind You, if
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: you subscribe on the desktop, it is thirty percent cheaper
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: if you subscribe via the app. Apple tags on thirty
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: percent on top of that because they just take thirty
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: percent and that's how substack app work. So if you
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: do want to sign up, to sign up via the
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: desktop and then you save thirty percent. Amazing quick life update.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: If you guys have heard of June Health run by Grace,
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: she's fucking am She was running a little event in
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: Pot's Point last week and there was sixty five women
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: there and we just did a little bit of a
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Q and A about the psychology around health optimization and
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: when does it go too far versus not? And I
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: kind of joined and we spoke about that. It was
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: such a great event and I met so many beautiful
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: women there and had amazing conversations that was at arm's
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: length in Pot's point, and I guess that's kind of
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: my recommendation for today. Go to Arm's length in Pot's point,
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: this very cool restaurant. Yeah, I'd never been before. Shanaiah
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: my assistant was like, you have to fucking go there.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: And then the event was there. It was amazing. So
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: now I'm inspired. Maybe I should be running events at
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: arms length as well. I don't know. We shall say,
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: watch this space cool. We're doing a brain fact, and
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: then we're going to go into the topic of today.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: This is a very interesting brain fact for me at least,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: and I hope you guys find it equally as interesting.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: But this is about why your brain needs insulin. We're
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: talking about insulin on the brain. If you're not into
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: a brain in fact, fast forward seven seven ish ten minutes.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: I don't know roughly however long this takes me to say,
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: maybe it's less than ten minutes, but just kind of
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: fast forward and then you can get into the body
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: of the episode. Let's begin. So when we're talking about insulin,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: most people think that insulin and right, so controls your
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: blood sugar, which it does, but your brain is also
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: covered in insulin receptors and insulin plays more roles than
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: just regulating blood sugar, especially in the brain. Okay, so
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: some of the highest concentration of these insulin receptors within
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: the brainer, in the hippocampus which is responsible for memory,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: the prefrontal cortex for decision making, hypothalamus, which is your
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: appetite and your energy balance, and then your olfactory bulb,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: which is the sense of smell. It's kind of the
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: first place that your brain receives smell information and then
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: it sends it to the brain. So this obviously tells
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: us that insulin does a whole array of things within
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: the brain, not just around blood sugar or appetite control
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: and things like that. So Number one, it helps you
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: form memories, so it strengthens communications between neurons. It improves
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: synaptic plasticity, which is basically your brain's ability to strengthen
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: connections as you're learning. And the hypocampus, like I said,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: which is responsible for memory and forming your memories, is
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: packed with these insulin receptors, and research shows that when
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: you reduce insulin signaling, that is then associated with poorer
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: learning memory like consolidation of memory. When you've learned something
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: that day. The next thing that it does is it
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: helps regulate your appetite, so after eating, it's not just
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: acting in your blood stream, but it's also signaling in
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: the brain that you have had enough food. And it
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: also works alongside leptin, another hormone which reduces your hunger.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: And when the brain becomes insulin resistant, those signals become weaker.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: So your body has had enough energy, it doesn't need
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: to eat more, but your brain is acting like as
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: if it has not received enough energy, so it's asking
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: you to give it more food. I need more energy
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: because it's not getting this signal to be like great,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: I've got the energy that I need. Number three, Insulin
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: is neuroprotective, so it helps the growth of new synaps as,
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: neuronal survival. It repairs existing connections between neurons as well,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: and it's actually considered an important neurotrophic hormone. So basically,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: a neurotrophic hormone is something that supports the maintenance of
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: brain cells, which is very important. Spoken about neurotrophins before.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Another example if this is brain to have have neurotrophic
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: factor BDNF, so you would have heard me talk about
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: what a neurotrophin is. It also helps regulate your mood.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: So this insulin signaling within the brain influences your neurotransmitters,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: things like dopamine, serotonin, all these neurochemic and neurohormones that
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: are involved in your mood and overall feeling of well being.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: Indirectly because of that does influence mood, reward, and motivation
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: as well. Now, when the brain becomes insulin resistant, just
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: like muscles, your brain can become insulin resistant, your brain
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: stops responding efficiently to insulin, and researchers have observed when
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: that happens in the brain, you've got problems with your memory,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: with your learning, with your executive function because it does.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: It's in the prefrontal cortex as well, and of course
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: appetite regulation. And it's not something that happens overnight, but
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: it's something that there's a lot of research going on
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: in neuroscience about this when we see this kind of
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: resistance in the brain, and it's kind of this slow
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: thing where we're seeing all these other issues arise as well.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Alzheimer's disease is a huge part of this research. There
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: is it's recent one of these, like in the scheme
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: of neuroscience, relatively recent a really big discovery in the
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: last kind of decade is that Alzheimer's disease is associated
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: with this brain insulin resistance. And I was while I
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: was doing the research, there were some articles and some
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: papers that were like, oh, it's also known as type
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: three diabetes. I don't know how well known that is.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: It's definitely not an official diagnosis, and there's many scientists
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: that are like, no, it's not type three diabetes at all.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: But it just gives you that idea that it's basically
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: quite a significant thing to do with insulin in the
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: brain and how it affects the brain through Alzheimer's disease.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: So it's showing the evidence shows that there's this disrupted
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: insulin signaling alongside these Tawer tangles and the amyloid plaques,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: and then that's you know, increasing inflammation, reducing energy use
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: in neurons. You're seeing neurons more vulnerable to degeneration because
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: we've got this basically this issue with the insulin, which,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: like I said, did have these neurotrophic properties that help
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: support the survival of cells and things like that, and
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: then of course impaired memory formation. Now there's this very
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: interesting study. I'm going to link these two studies as
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: the primary study, and then there's kind of like a
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: follow up study as well, kind of to confirm it.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: I'll link those two in the show notes if you're
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: interested in this. But basically, reachs found that if you
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: deliver insulin through the nose like intranasal spray, it allows
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: it to reach the brain directly without affecting or without
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: at least significantly affecting your blood glucose levels. And research
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: has shown that this kind of intranasal delivery can improve
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: declarative memory in the brain, especially in healthy adults, but
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: also in people with mild cognitive impairment. And so they're
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: kind of investigating if that would be useful as a
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: treatment for Alzheimer's disease at the very least to treat
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: the symptoms, if not something more than just the symptoms.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: So very quickly, what is declarative memory? Pop quiz? We've
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: got two types. There's basically declarative memory is this conscious,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: intentional recollection of like facts, events, general knowledge. There's two types,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: episodic and semantic episodic memory. I'm going to too my
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: own horn. I've got phenomenal episodic memory, but weirdly the
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: worst memory for faces and names. I honestly s whear
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I've got prosopagnose. It's like my memory shines in episodic
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: terrible with faces and names. And I hate saying that
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, I feel like I'm just reinforcing It's
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: like I'm a self fulfilled prophecy. But episodic is memory
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: of personal life events, specific times and places, so it's
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: kind of your timeline of events in your life. My
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: episodic memory is so weirdly specific that if you mention
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: an event that is memorable, like let's say the bad
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Bunny concept that was in February this year, I can
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: tell you everything I did that day because there was
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: a memory of like everything I did that day. I
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: can tell you like how the morning started, the fact
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: that I went to a friend's birthday exactly, how I
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: got to event, exactly, how I got back, like the
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: whole thing, right. And I can do that for events
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: that happened when I was ten years old. It's crazy.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: That's episodic. Semantic is general facts and knowledge about the world,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: completely independent of your personal experience. So you know what
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: the capital of Spain is or you know who the
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Prime Minister of Australia is currently or who the prime
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: minister was back in the nineties, if you actually were
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: told that information, right, So yeah, anyway, very quickly, another
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: reason why exercise is also so good for the brain
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: is that exercise is always improving your insulin sensitivity. Okay,
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: so while we're talking about, you know, insulin resistance, and
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: your brain can become insulin resistant when you are physically active,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: often you have generally a lower risk of cognitive decline.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: And one of the reasons for that could be how
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: you maintain that insulin sensitivity within the brain because you
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: don't want to become resistant obviously, So good terms. That
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: is the brain fact of today's episode. Like I said,
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: I will be linking those two studies in the show
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: notes if you are interested in understanding more about that.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: If you've got a relative as Alzheimer's or whatever, or
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: who you think might have diabetes and be getting Alzheimer's,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: that's something to read. It's very interesting. Okay, So let's
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: get into the main topic of this episode. We're talking
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: about this concept of leaving a relationship and what does
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: that mean and when does it feel like, Oh, I
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: gave up versus I actually really fought for it. Because
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: I think there's so many times that people will stay
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: in a relationship. You look at so many of my
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: listener questions where they're just they're grappling with this idea
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: of like do I leave or do I stay? But
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: in reality, you know, one of the main reasons why
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: people leave is because they feel like they're giving up.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: They feel like they haven't given it they all, and
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: they're riddled with guilt. So then they stay, but they
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: often stay very unfulfilled in life, very unhappy in a
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: relationship that isn't serving them, and likely probably not even
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: serving their partner. Whether their partner's a nice person or not,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: it's probably not serving them either. So Number one, I
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: want you to realize that leaving a relationship absolutely does
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: not mean that you have given up. You are always
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: obviously entitled to leave a relationship, but if you're someone
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: that thinks, no, this is really worth fighting for, this
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: is really a good person, I just want to know
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: that I've done the right thing, and I want to
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: know that this episode is going to help you. Another
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: thing that I want you to think about is, in
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: many cases a relationship has ended well before you have
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: walked away, and I'm going to give you an understanding
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: of why that is. I'm going to be going through
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: some major major points for you to really think about.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Think is this me and my situation? Can I apply
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: this to my situation? So you're going to finish this
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: episode with a really fleshed out idea of where you
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: stand in your relationship, how you feel towards it, and
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: you're going to feel more empowered with Okay, now I've
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: got the tools to stand really fight for it, and
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: I feel I know what I'm fighting for exactly, or
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: now I feel really empowered. I've like done everything I
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: can do. I'm going to walk away now. Okay. Now,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: the first thing that I want to speak about is
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: this concept of fighting for a relationship. Normally, when we
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: talk about fighting for a relationship, it's we're presuming that
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: there is a problem. Okay, when people say, oh, relationships
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: are hard, relationships are hard, I don't think that. I
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: think that life can get hard and they're stra. But
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: if your relationship is healthy and you are both every
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: day working to make each other's life easier, the relationship
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: itself is not what's hard. It's how you tackle life
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: problems together that might be difficult. But people that say
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: the relationship is so hard, I would question what exactly
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: are you referring to? Okay, because there's for example, financial
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: problems that you come across, joint financial problems. That's a
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: hard thing, but it's not because of the relationship that
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: it is hard. It's something that you have to learn
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: to work through together. And if both if you act
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: as a team and you're always putting each other as
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: a main priority in your life, then it's something that
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: you can work on together as a team and feel
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: well supported and you feel like you're supporting your partner.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: If you have a sick child, that's extremely stressful. It
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: can cause all these problems in your marriage. It can
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: cause all these issues in the relationship, but it's not
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: the relationship that has caused all these problems, if that
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: makes sense. So when people are just together and they're
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: saying the relation is so hard, it makes me question
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, why is it hard? Like what about the
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: relationship is causing this pain or a pain point? And
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: if we're talking about co existing with your partner because
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: they don't clean the kitchen, properly or whatever. That to
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: me are minor things that you are able to overcome
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: if you are able to have a proper division of
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: labor in the household. But that's a whole nother thing.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about the difference between joint problems, and
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: that's something that you can quote unquote fight for in
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: a relationship versus individual problems. And there's only so much
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: that you can do when it comes to fighting for
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: a relationship. Because one if the biggest stabs in like
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: or like stabs or what do you call it, like
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: slap in the face that happens when you're gonna walk
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: away from the relationship, is you get accused of not
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: fighting for the relationship. They cheat on you, right, and
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: then they apologize and they come groveling, and you say,
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: why don't want you back? I'm not interested and they're like, well,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: you're not fighting for this relationship. Shows that you're not serious.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: That's a you problem. You fucking went and stuck your
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: in someone else, and now I have to fight for
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: What What am I fighting for? What am I fucking'm
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: fighting for? That's an individual problem. Not to say that
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: you don't have to get back with your partner after infidelity.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: That's perfectly fine. You might say, you know what, I
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: trust that you're not going to do it again. I've
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: seen some major changes. That's fine. But when someone accuses
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: you of not fighting for something when it's their issue
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: and they did something in the first place, that kind
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: of grinds my gears. They're two completely different things. So
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: example of joint problems communication problems that you're both willing
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: to work on. That's key. You both have to be
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: willing to work on it. For example, we argue, and
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: let's say my form of arguing is like I get
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: really defensive and then I shut down and I go
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: really quiet and I can't and then my partner's trying
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: to get through to me and I'm not responding whatever.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: That's a communication problem. We've got to work on that.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: What's a comfortable way that we can both talk. Another
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: one is financial difficulties that you're tackling together. Another one
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: is your partner might be going through a very hard time,
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: a personal, really hard time. Maybe one of their close
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: relatives has passed away. Maybe they've just been fired from
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: a job that was really important to them and they're grieving,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: and so they're not their normal self, and they need
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: that support. That is a joint problem, right, that everyone
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: goes to at some point in their life and a
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: real partner wants to be there to support them through
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: this massive painful time in their life. Just in general
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: difficult life circumstances that you navigate together, and then relationship
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: patterns where both people are acknowledging their contribution to maybe
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: an issue in how they run the relationship and you're
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: both aware of it and you're both like, we want
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: to change, we want to make this better for each other.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: So that comes down to kind of an agreeance of
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: how things are going. We both don't think it's going well.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: We both need to make changes, okay. So basically the
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: defining feature of that is that both parties can do
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: something about it, and it's well. Even the one where
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: if someone's grieving and going through a major loss, like
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: their job is to work through their grief at the
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: pace that they're able to, and you know, they take
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: their time, and the partner's job is to be that
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: supportive partner. Okay, But the other ones you work together
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: with it now, individual problems are repeated cheating or cheating
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: in general, Okay, that's an individual problem. Manipulation. I'm always
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: manipulating you, treating you like shit, and I'm not acknowledging
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: that that's the problem in my behavior. Controlling behavior, being coercive,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: being disrespectful, anger, problems that someone refuses to address. If
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: I'm always snapping at you, absolutely angry, and I'm being
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: extremely inappropriate with how I am treating you, I'm disrespecting you.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: And then you say, I can't do this anymore. I
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: can't have you yell at me, I kind of you
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: scream at me anymore. I can't have you a character
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: assassin at me every time we have a disagreement. And
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: then you want to leave, and I say, you're not
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: fighting for this relationship, you want a fighting that's again manipulation. Okay,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: you're trying to guilt this person into feeling like they're
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: now responsible for the breakdown of the relationship of their marriage,
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: when in reality you've gone and chat all over it,
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: rub your shit all over the place, and then you've
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: said to your partner, look that you've done. Okay. That's
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: what a lot of people do in relationships. They just
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: have zero ability to be accountable for their own stuff.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Emotional withdrawal, someone completely withdraws emotionally, and no matter how
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: many times the partner's kind of knocking on the door
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: trying to be like hey, and you're like shut down,
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: shut down, shut down, shut down, without any sceric of
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: like yes, I'm willing to work on this or I'm
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: willing to find on this. And this is this is
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: independent off if you're grieving something, because that can happen
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: with grief, but just oh, you've tapped out. You don't
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: really you're not like really trying, and then the other
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: partner's at a loss. Okay, that's a personal problem inappropriate
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: behavior with other people, them just carrying on like a
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: fucking pork chop with other people. Substance abuse problems and addictions,
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: this is a major one. And people feel so bad
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: leaving a partner when they are an addict. But I
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: have to tell you, if your partner who is an
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: addict is doing everything they can to change, you are
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: seeing them work like a dog and you are supporting them, phenomenal. Okay, great,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: But if your partner is an addict and they keep
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: going down that path, down that path, down that path,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: unfortunately it is then it's an individual problem. You can
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: support them as much as you like, but that is
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: an individual problem. So someone doesn't want to like get
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: all the resources they can, or if someone can't get
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: all the resources you can, you have to realize that
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: there is absolutely nothing you can do at that point.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: You can lead them to support, you can try and
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: be supportive, but you can't cure someone's addiction. So you
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: have to understand there comes a point where I have
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: to make a call. Right, So many people write to
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: me and they're like suffering so much because their partners
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: porn addiction, or their partners gambling addiction, or their partner's
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: alcohol addiction. And at the end of the day, no
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: matter how much you want to support them, that is
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: an individual problem because you can't decide what they do
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: with their actions and their impulses and the addictions. Only
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: they can ultimately make that very difficult. But that change, okay,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: So yeah, any recurring behavior where the other person refuses
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: accountability or change is what I'm saying. So an individual
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: problem is something that you can tackle together, but only
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: if they own it. So, like I said, with the addictions,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: they're like, I really want to make this change. Please please,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: let's work as a team to make this change and
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: you're seeing it. Okay, great, individual problems can be tackled together,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: but the individual who has the problem has to be
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: the driving force behind it, and you have to see
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: them want it. They're not changing just because you threaten
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: to leave and then the moment you stay, they revert
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: back to their old behavior. That's not change. Okay, that's
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: again manipulation. We're talking about real change that is driven
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: by the individual with the actual problem, and you are
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: there to support them on the journey. Great, Like if
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: your partner's like, I've got a drinking problem, I actually
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: really want some help, and you're seeing them being responsible
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: for their change, amazing, versus someone saying I don't really
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: have a drinking problem, or my MAT's drink as much
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: as I drink, it's not an issue. But then every
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: time they drink, they just don't do anything around the house.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: They also treat you like a shit and they carry
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: on and they're just not themselves. If they don't really
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: acknowledge that as a problem just because everyone else does it,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: that's an individual problem that you can walk away from.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: So I think a really good way to frame it
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: is my partner expecting tolerance from me over accountability from them.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: Ask yourself that all the time. If your partner has
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: a problem and it's an individual problem in other words,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: they are in charge of their behaviors that cause that problem,
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: then you have to ask yourself, are they saying that
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: I should be tolerant versus them being accountable? Because if
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: that's the case, then they are being selfish. And if
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: you've already raised it with them and tried to make
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: them aware and they're not choosing to be aware, it's
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: saying you should tolerate my shit and I don't have
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: to be accountable, that's selfish. I'd walk away at that point.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: So back to this whole idea of relationships take work. Yes,
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: relationships require work, but it doesn't mean that you have
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: to tolerate disrespect all the time. It doesn't mean that
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: you have to forgive behavior that's happened again and again
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: and again, because then what's the actual point of forgiving
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: that behavior? Carrying all the emotional labor in the relationship,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Convincing someone to care repeatedly asking for your basic needs
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: to be met, basically trying harder and harder every time,
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: and that person is trying less and less and less.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: And then what happens is people say you gave up
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: when things got hard, But instead I think you should
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: reframe it or look at it as what what do
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: you What was I supposed to work on? If this
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: is your job? What was I What did I give
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: up on? I was doing everything? So what did I
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: give up on? You gave up in the relationship. But
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: because I walk away, you think I've given up. I
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: haven't given up. I've just not tolerating this. I'll be
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: in the relationship if you were to change. So you
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: gave up, Thank you very much. So stop this manipulation.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: It pierces me off when people say you walked away,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: just know that you're the one that walked away. I've
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: had a listener questions people writing in saying that their
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: partner has like does absolutely no work in the house,
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: or gets abusive when they drink, or all this stuff,
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: and then when they went to leave, they will say,
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: just so you know, our children will always know that
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: you're the one that left this marriage. Like that is
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: crazy manipulation behavior. And if someone ever said that to me,
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: that would be the biggest fucking firecracker out my ass.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: To leave even more, I'd be like, if I ever
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: doubted leaving, the fact that you said that has just
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: cemented that for life, you're done. You're done. You're done,
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: you are done, And I would sing that to their face.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: Since now, another thing quickly that we're gonna touch on
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: is make sure you're not taking responsibility for something that's
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: actually yours. Like I said, you contribute to things together,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: you work on things together, all of that, I've already
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: said it. But don't have to carry the responsibility for
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: number one, their happiness overall. If they're doing nothing for
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: the happiness, it's also not your responsibility. You can eat
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: if fucking horse to water. You can't make them drink.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Their behavior after the breakup, You're not responsible for that.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: Whether they're able to cope after the breakup or not,
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: whether their family is upset with you or the breakup,
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: or this or that, that's not your problem. Okay, what
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: people think, what mutual friends think, what your ex says
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: about you, what your ex eventually, you know, a really
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: big one is when you break up and then you
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: see all the change that you wanted to see in
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: your ex that they were never willing to do with you,
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: and then they were only willing to do it after
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: you broke up. That to me just demonstrates that, like,
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: without even getting angry to be like, if I'm going
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: to act like the peaceful, bigger person, At the very least,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: it demonstrates that they required a big life shift in
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: order to make these changes, and which means that it
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: would have never happened with you in the first place.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: And that the most it demonstrates that they had absolutely
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: no respect for you. So had they stayed, they would
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: never have been that person because they had no respect
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: for you. But when they left and they realized that
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: in order to get a partner of your caliber, that
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: shit wouldn't fly anymore, they needed to make these changes
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: in their life and therefore then had to make the change.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: The only caveat to all of this is if you
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: were abusive and they were basically like a shell of
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: their former selves, and then finally when you break out
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: of the shackles of the relationship, they start to shine
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: as a person. That's the only kind of exception to that. Yep.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: But if we're talking about an unhealthy person with unhealthy
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: emotional behaviors towards you, and then they make the change
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: that's what I think. Now. Next question to ask yourself
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: are you dating who they are or are you dating
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: who they could be? We stay for so much longer
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: in relationships because we look at potential now, potential, for
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: the most part is blown out of proportion. So when
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: we talk about dating someone for who they could be,
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: if you are seeing actual progress week in week out,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: week in week out, week in week out, and this
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: person is growth growth, growth, growth, growth, change and change it,
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: then of course yes you're looking at that potential because
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: you're seeing the evolution. And that's fine. But are we
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: dating their potential to return to their former self when
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: we met them? Of it? It was so good when we
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: met them, and now they're a fucking asshole. But it's
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: because they're just stress. They're stress. It's not really who
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: they are. It's not really who they are. The first
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: three months were a honeymoon period and now it's all
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: gone down the drain. But every once in the month
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: I see the glimmer of who they used to be. No,
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: they're never going back to their old self. You need
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: to leave them, you know, they're never waiting for their
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: old version of them to return. If they can't be
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: consistently who they are for no major reason. There's been changed,
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: Like they've not gone through trauma or whatever, and they've
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: just turned into an asshole. I can guarantee you it's
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: not because they're stressed all of a sudden. An asshole
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: is an asshole. And if they were nice when you
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: met them, unfortunately they were putting on an act. No
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: matter how good a judge of character you think you are,
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: they're an even better actor. Okay, now, are you remember
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: the honeymoon period rather than assessing the relationship today. Sometimes
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: we stayed because the honeymoon period was so beautiful, But
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: what about the day to day now? One of my
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: biggest things that really helped me with the breakup with
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: my breakups in the day, like most of the time
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: that I was really struggling and having such a fucking
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: hard time and crying and reminiscing about the relationship, I
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: realized I was, like, I'm only crying about moments that
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: happened in the first six months of the relationship, Like
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: I was imagining the fun spontaneous times we had or
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: this or like all these like fun And then I realized,
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I'm not mourning much of the recent times So whether
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: I stayed with this person or not, those times that
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: I was mourning were done. They were dead in the water.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: That version of him was gone. So that really helped
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: me process the breakup. So, if you're in a relationship
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: right now and you're dating for the potential of them
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: getting back to their former self, why did the change
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: in their first place? Is it because they're just a
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: toxic person or can you pinpoint exactly why they changed?
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: And there's a good reason for why they changed. But
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: if that character that you fell in love with no
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: longer exists, you're mourning it right now. Whether you break
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: up with the or not, They're not coming back. That
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: version of them dead. Okay. Then another thing is do
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I like the idea of that person in general, like
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: if I was just to and not just not just
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: like the dream that I have with them. So, for example,
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: are you able to comfortably tell your friends and family
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: about conflicts that you have behind closed doors or things
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: that they say to your, things that they do to you,
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: and just openly. So for example, if Tarrone and I
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: have a disagreement on an argument, I can comfortably talk
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: to my sister about it or to live because even
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: when we disagree, there's always respect always. So I'm just venting.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: I'm venting. Oh I'm annoyed because of the this and that,
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: But it's always a very healthy thing. And I know
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: that my family and my friends wouldn't have been like, Oh,
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: my God, can't believe he's done that, can't believe there's
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: can't plate because he's just He's a healthy partner, right versus?
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Do you find yourself omitting a lot of information? I
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: used to do that with my unhealthy, like abusive relationship.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: I would omit a lot of things because I was like,
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: I just liked one aspect of him to present to
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: other people, but not everything. Then ask yourself, have my
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: needs in a relationship changed since the evolution? Maybe they're
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: treating me well, but have my needs changed and they
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: don't align with what I get out of this relationship?
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: Have their needs changed and they're wanting stuff from me
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: that I just can't provide anymore? My needs or their
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: needs currently being met? And if not, is there a
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: reason why they're not being met or it's just because
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: it's not the right match. Do I like myself around
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: this person and my best self around this person? Do
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: I feel the most comfortable in my own skin. Do
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: I ever have to second second guess what I'm thinking
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: or saying around this person? Do I dream a version
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: of myself that exists only when I'm not in this relationship?
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: That's really important to ask yourself. Do I alter myself
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: to keep the relationship stable? Is the last question? Do
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: I agree or apologize just to not get into an
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: another debate or just to not have this animosity of
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: this bad vibe in the household? Do I find myself
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: just being like, oh, yep, okay, whatever, yep, fine. Do
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: I find myself withdrawing and not actually telling how I feel?
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: Because every time I raise how I feel, it's World
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: War III? Like? Do I have to alter who I
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: am to keep that level of emotional stability in the
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: relationship and in the household? Very important to ask yourself
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: that final question. Another thing is how would you feel
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: if the relationship ended tomorrow? Would you feel and it
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: could be a combination. Would you feel heartbreak, relief because
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: relief is massive piece of information. Some people feel very
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: sad but relieved, Okay, guilt? Would you feel fear, freedom, sorrow,
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: combination of all the above? What would you feel like Actually,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: I know people that would feel devastated because they don't
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: think they could get anyone like that partner again. They
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: feel all these things, but deep down they'll be like, oh,
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: but the nice thing is I'd never have to like
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm walking on eggshells, or I'd never have
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: to explain where I am at all times, which would
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: be really nice. Or I never have to, you know,
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: like cut out a friend or say that I can't
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: hang out with that friend or that person because my
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: partner didn't like them or whatever. I just have that freedom.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: So the relief comes in that individual freedom again, but
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: you'd probably miss all these other aspects. So if you
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: would feel relief from the relationship ending, that's a big
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: piece of information and you've got to look into that. Now.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: The next thing I want to touch on is this
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: concept of a fear of breaking up the family if
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: you are someone that has children with your partner. This
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: is a really, really big consideration that people think about
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: and they're like, I have to fight for the family,
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: have to fight for the family, Okay, but having everyone
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: under one roof is not the measure are of family health.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: I understand that it's very, very complicated when we're talking
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: about you know, separated family and children obviously go through
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: helen back with divorce and all of that, but children
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: also go through helen back if they're in a household
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: where there is just so much animosity and so much
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: fighting and whether they're witnessing their parents hate each other.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: You also are entitled to feel happy. You also are
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: entitled to feel emotionally stable and safe. You also probably
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: would show up as a calmer parent if you had
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: these you know, that emotional stability for yourself. So children
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: experience the dynamic that they're living inside of. So if
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: that house is so volatile and whatever, those kids are
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: experiencing it too. Divorce is difficult and obviously comes with
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: its own problems as well in separation, but you always
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: have to think of, you know, what that child is
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: experiencing day and day out, day and day out, because
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: the emotional environment does matter, and you've got to think
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: about yourself very carefully about how your emotional environment matters
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: to you and how that then kind of comes across
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: to your children. So that's important to note. Now. Fear
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: of what they will do after a breakup is a
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: massive one where people decide that they're going to stay
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: longer in the relationship. And this is very much happens
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: with the toxic relationship. This is never really The only
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: time this kind of applies in a non toxic relationship
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: is if you're just one of those people that can't
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: imagine your partner being with someone else other than you,
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: even if you're not sure you want to have them,
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: So that could play into why you don't want to
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: leave them. But a lot of the time, if you're like,
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: oh my god, they're going to say this, they're going
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: to spread this room and they're going to tell their
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: family this. Their families is then going to hate me
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: because of this and this and this and this. Okay,
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: they're going to tell everyone that I'm horrible or that
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: I did the wrong thing. They're going to turn certain
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: people against me. My life is going to be so difficult.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: They're going to blame everything on me. They're going to
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: act like as if I was the cause of everything
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: breaking down. So your fear about their reaction, if those
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: are legitimate fears based on their character, that should tell
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: you what you need to know. If my fears, if
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: I ever had to leave Tyrone for whatever reason, we
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: just weren't compatible anymore, and I started having these fears of, Oh,
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: he's going to do this, he's going to do that.
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: That should fast track me leaving. It shouldn't make you
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: stay for longer. And when you're in the thick of it,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: it feels like, oh, I can't put up with that,
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: I have to stay longer. But then think, why am
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: I with someone? If someone, if you're with someone who
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: thinks that poorly of you, who wants to run your
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: name through the dirt the moment you leave, that says
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: that they look at you as a possession and not
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: as someone they loved, someone they are very less cared for. Okay,
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: if I'm in a healthy relationship and my partner's done
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: nothing to be awful to me or whatever, and we're
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: just not the asking I'm going to do is run
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: his name through the dirt when we break up, absolutely
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: fucking not. Why would I? And even to this day,
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: like exes from years and years and years ago, I
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: still speak very highly of the nice ones. So it's
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: like that should never have to happen unless they don't
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: view you with respect. So if that's a fee walk away.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: Now Okay, Now I want you to also look at
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: the value exchange of your relationship. So healthy relationships, it's
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: not about fifty to fifty. You've got to be both
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: giving what you can when you can within reason. Okay.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: So obviously one day some one person's really picking up
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: the pieces and doing more than they're able to lean
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: on you than sometimes you both meet perfectly in the middle.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: Than some days you're both on one hundred percent, and
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: those are the days that you're just like vibing each other, thriving,
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: the relationships, killing and all of these things. Okay, So
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: I just want you to make sure that you feel
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: like I am still receiving something from my partner always,
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: whether it's that emotional fulfillment, whether it's that support around
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: the house, whether it's whatever it is. But does my
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: partner support me when I'm the one struggling or do
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm only ever the one supporting my
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: partner when they're struggling. Is there reciprocity in this whole thing? Right?
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: Are we both investing in this relationship or is my
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: partner acting like this thing has died but is wanting
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: me to be the one that pulls the pin on
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: this thing? Right? So who's always doing the emotional heavy lifting.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: Who's doing who's got the mental load of everything? Who's
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: the one who's always having to remind the partner of
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: this and that. Another thing that I want to say,
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: and this is very typical with like the word nagging.
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: I don't I hate actually the term nagging because it
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: almost puts the shame on the person who always has
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: to ask for the same thing again and again and again.
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: Because when you talk about nagging, you're talking about a
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: repetitive asking. Okay, you're nagging me to take the rubbish out.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: You're nagging. Now you're saying, take the rubbish out, take
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: rubbish out, take the rubbishout, or clean this, or do
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: you mind doing this? Do you mind doing this? And
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: then you're like, oh my gosh, it's such an actually
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: keeps asking me that. It's like you should be embarrass
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: if you're saying that your partner's a nag. It's saying
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: that you can't do something without being told are you
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: a child? Are you a child? You're a child. Because
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: if you can't just say, you know what, that is
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: my responsibility. I'm going to take the responsibility of this job,
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: this job, this job, this job, and you never have
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: to tell me again because I'm a grown adult and
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: I will assume responsibility of those things from this day onwards.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: We never have to discuss it again, never has to
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: be an issue, You never have to think about it
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: again because we're adults. Right, You're not going to get nagged.
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: But the ownership is then often on the woman as
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: the nagger, when in reality you should be mortified and
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: embarrassed that you're admitting that you can't do a basic task.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: It's so crazy, this kind of like brainwash in society
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: that the wife often is the nagger, when in reality,
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: all these men who say my wife's a nagger are
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: just blatantly admitting I need to have my ass wife
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: because I can't fucking do anything for myself other than
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: actually go to work and work, so I can I
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: just choose not to, all right, second last one, and
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: then I'm going to give you a bunch of questions
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: at the end that you can ask yourself again and
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: again and again until you get to the final answer
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: that you want. Okay. The second last thing is sometimes
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: making the decision is actually easier than contemplating the decision,
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: if that makes sense. So the actual living after you've
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: made that decision, the actual seeing it out of the
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: breakup and recovery and all of that actually ends up
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: being easier than the reality. I mean, then the actual
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: like contemplating, contemplating, you'll spend months or years imagining the conversation,
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: the breakup, explaining it to your family, the fallout maybe
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: with their family or maybe some friends and friends, feeling divided,
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: being alone, dealing with guilt, all of that. Sometimes you'll
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: go round and round and round and round and around
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: that It will prolong this decision to leave for months,
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: and for some people even for years, because we think
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: it is so bad, but it's almost never as bad
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: because when we think about this worst case scenario, we
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: think of all the worst case scenarios as definitely all
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: going to happen. But in reality, even if it is bad,
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: it's probably one of those scenarios or two. And the
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: other thing you got to remember is that many of
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: these things that you're thinking about are very short lived.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: Breaking it to the family you're only doing that once.
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: Explaining it to your friends, you're doing that once. You
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: know it's not something that you relive day in and
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: day out for the rest of your life. So is
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: the trade off worth it is staying to avoid all
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: these things that I have to go through in a breakup?
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: Is it worth the trade off? Probably not if you're
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: in a relationship that you know has run its course.
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: So I want to finish with a bunch of questions
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: to ask yourself. Some of them are going to be relevant,
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: some of them not. Some of them have already asked
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: you in this episode. But these questions are just good
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: to keep top of mind if you're grappling with this decision. Okay,
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: Number one? Am I making excuses for their behavior? Two?
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: Are there different rules for them than for me? Three?
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: Would I be comfortable asking them for what they expect
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: from me? Am I dating for their potential? Am I
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: waiting for a past version of their return? Are my
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: needs still the same as when we met? Are those
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: needs being met? Do I like myself around this person?
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: Would I want this person for my best friend or
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: my sister? As in that treatment for my best friend
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: or for my sister? Do I change myself to manage
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: their emotions? Do I know which version of them I'm
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: going to get? Am I staying because of love or
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: because of guilt? If I could guarantee that they would
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: be okay after the breakup? Would it be easier to leave?
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: Would ending it primarily make me feel heartbreak or relief?
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: What exactly do I feel like I owe them? If anything?
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: Do I like the idea of the more than I
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: enjoy actually being with them? Am I hiding the reality
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: of my relationship from people I trust? And is the
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: problem I'm trying to fix actually within my control? So
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: hopefully I've to asking yourself all these questions. You're going
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: to realize Is this a together problem that we can
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: work on together? Is this an individual problem? And I've
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: done everything I can do to support but at the
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: end of the day, I can't manage or control their emotions,
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: and therefore it's something that I've exhausted all my options.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: You're going to realize, Is this actually like? Is the
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: power dynamic off skew? They seem to have more power.
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: Is it that they look at me more as a
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: possession that they love than they love me? Am I
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: staying because I feel guilty? But in reality I don't
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm the best version of myself when I'm
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: around them. Has this relationship run its course? I just
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: really want this episode to get you asking all the questions,
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: because sometimes when we ask the right questions, the truth
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: the answer will reveal itself. Okay, of like the situation.
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we see something very skewed through a perspective of
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: how we're feeling and emotions, or how we're being manipulated.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: If you're being manipulated, maybe you're not. That it makes
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: us feel like stagnant, like we can't do anything. So
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: I think that asking these questions you start to reveal
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: the answer deeper, deeper, deep. You start digging and you
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: start looking at your situation instead of just living in it.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: Sometimes living in it can be a bit blinding and
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: you go an autopilot and before you know it, it's
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: a year down the track and you feel the exact
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: same way, which is not what we want. We want
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: to have clarity in our relationships. If you're always doubting,
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: if you're always unsure, something has to change, either you
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: both work towards a change or you have to find
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: your way out of it. Okay, So hopefully that helped.
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: Hopefully that's given you some really helpful food for thought
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: to you know, approach your relationship differently. And yeah, that
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: is all for today's episode. Also, I do have a
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: mini series on self love running this week. So so
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: yesterday's miniseries came out at seven am, but or like
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: earlier than seven am, I don't know. But for the
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: rest of the week, the miniseries is coming out at
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: lunch time for your lunch break if you're in Australia,
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: but also if you're in any other what New Zealand,
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: it's going to be a bit later than your lunch
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: break actually, but everyone else obviously it's going to be
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: earlier in the day because you're further west anyway. That
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: is all love you guys so much. As always remember
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: becind to yourself, becind to your brand, don't take shit
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunk it.