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Boundaries CTF School of Ministry #8 · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: All right, we got our last little stretch here on talking about boundaries.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: So think about any questions or situations or anything you might want to talk about as we wind up here.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: But we're gonna we're working on this whole area, how do I develop healthier boundaries?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you, as we've gone through this, um, how many of you recognize some challenges in this area of your life?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you feel like you got some stuff to work on?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, I think I said to somebody this week, if you'd have told me 30 years ago, I was I was ordained as a pastor in 1980.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that's like 30 plus years ago.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if you'd have told me 30 years ago that the teaching I'd be the most known for is this teaching with a hula hoop or hula hoop around me, I'd have said, yeah, man, you're crazy.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: But uh 30 years of ministry, and this is the teaching I'm the most known for.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just kind of weird, but it's so practical.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I encourage you to just kind of use it to work through your life and all that good stuff.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: All right, next slide, please, sir.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: All right, if you want to develop healthier boundaries, own your emotions.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Where are your emotions?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're inside your circle.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Who's responsible for everything inside your circle?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: You are.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So own them.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just start thinking, however, I'm feeling, I helped put me there.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever I'm feeling, I had a part in putting me there.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm sad, I help do that to me.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm happy, I help do that to me.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm mad, I helped do that to me.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And like we said a minute ago, when you take that kind of responsibility, it doesn't make you weaker or more in bondage, it makes you stronger and more free.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: When you realize that I have way more say in how I'm feeling than I used to think that I do.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you kind of go this direction, the more you practice it, the better it feels, the easier it gets.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it just becomes very natural to kind of monitor and manage how you're feeling.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then you just kind of learn.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, here's an important thought.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna find that all of you have key little problem areas.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, whether it's with a parent, whether it's with a whatever, but you're gonna find that you all have little, this is my challenging area, and God will just help you manage that area if you really let Him.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right, look at that next statement.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, back up.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Look at that next statement.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Emotions don't happen to us.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I teach on emotions a lot, and most people have this idea that they're just walking down the road whistling, and an emotion mugs them.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're walking down the road and depression jumps on you, drags you to the ground, and makes you depressed.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's very important for you to understand every emotion you feel comes from within and is self-generated.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Everything you feel, you have created yourself.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: You create your feelings.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody else does that to you.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: You do it.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, outside events are part of how it happens.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let me show you a really, really, really important little formula.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this again, to me, is one of those ridiculously simple things that is profoundly powerful.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's simply A plus B yields C.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: What are you trying to say, dude?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: A is an outside event.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: A is an outside event.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: C is my response.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: A outside event, C is my response.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: The outside event might be your action.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So someone else does something.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's A.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: My response is C.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Most people mistakenly think A causes C.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is absolutely not true.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Outside events do not cause your response.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: What causes your response is B, which is your belief system.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: What happens is every time something happens around you, you assign meaning to it.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: You interpret it, you explain it to yourself.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the meaning you attach to it is what determines your reaction.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: If someone acts toward you in a certain way, what they do is not what causes you to feel sad.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: What you say to yourself about what they did is what makes you feel sad.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So someone acts toward you in a way that you wish they hadn't.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you say to yourself, I'm such a loser.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I never have been very popular.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody really likes me.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty bad.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Who did that to you?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: That person?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, you did.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let's back the tape up.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing, person does something that you wish they hadn't done.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now you say to yourself, hmm, they must be having a bad day.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't really deserve for them to do that.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a pretty good person.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't normally have people treat me that way.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how do you feel?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of empowered?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You wish it hadn't happened, so you feel a teeny bit bad, but nowhere near as bad as you did.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: What changed?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just what you were thinking.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And thinking is really what?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Talking to yourself.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So what really makes the difference is what you say to yourself in that moment.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or what you remember, and I'm going to put remember in quotes, because sometimes things that are subconscious still affect us, even though we don't consciously remember them.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, I've talked a little bit about my father, for instance, and it affected how I relate to male authority figures.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: So there's times I would react very tightly and in fear to male authority figures, but it wasn't that I was consciously remembering how my father acted toward me, but it was still affecting me.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you have certain events or outside act you know activities that make you respond in ways, and you're kind of like, dude, what was that all about?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you here's what you want to learn to do.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, what do you do?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: You take responsibility for your response.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody made me do this, I did.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So then you say, Yeah, but I don't know why I did it.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: But you do know why you did it.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't know that you know yet.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You really do know why you did that.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: But you might need help figuring out why you did that.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you ever acted in a moment in a way that afterwards you were like, why in the world did I do that?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Raise your hand if you've ever done that.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now you gotta think a minute.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Something happens around me, and I respond in a way, wow, that was pretty weird.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Who did that?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: You did.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't know why I did it.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Where's the why probably stored?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: In your subconscious.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, now you're getting spooky.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your subconscious is just the part of the life that you remember that you're not constantly, consciously in touch with, but it still affects you.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Every time something happens to you, your mind very quickly runs through your museum of memories and decides: is this a good thing, a bad thing?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Can it hurt me?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: How should I react?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it does it that fast.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then you respond.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you can learn to slow that down a little bit.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn to, when you when you see yourself responding in a way that you're like, why do I do that?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn to slow this down.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you can learn to ask yourself questions.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do I remember any other situations that were similar to this?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do I remember other situations where this type of thing happened and I was hurt or I felt powerless or whatever?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you just, of course, you guys learn in the whole journaling thing had this amazing possibility, and that is you can go to God with that.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Say, God, I believe I'm responsible for my response.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: In this particular area, I react in a way that I can't fully figure out why I respond the way I do.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Would you help me understand why I respond this way?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, early in my marriage, my wife is an absolutely wonderful woman.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, she's awesome.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: But she is confident, bright, able to express her opinions.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when we first got married, remember, I got saved one month after we got married.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I was a really new Christian.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: So early in our marriage, she would like express her opinion.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'd be saying, well, I think we should do this.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she would like express her opinion.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I just wasn't used to girls doing that.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was used to them kind of doing what they're supposed to do, which is what I want them to do.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And she would kind of push back.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just get really and I react really weird.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I was a new Christian.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell my wife this, but I would go over in the corner with God and I'd say, God, what was that?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I react like that?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't deserve that.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now what was happening?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: She would act in a way that, in hindsight, was very appropriate.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: My response was very inappropriate.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'd go to God and I'd say, God, what's the deal?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, guess what?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, God helped me remember something.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Here's an interesting thought.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: You never forget anything.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: You just sometimes forget where you put it.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: But it's in there.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that's ever happened to you is still in there.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're just not consciously in touch with it all.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So my wife would act confidently, you know, assertively, and I'd be like, and I'd be like, God, what's the deal?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: So what happened is God showed me my mother, my mother had a heart attack when I was, I don't remember how old.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And in my, from my perspective, my perception was that she used her heart attack to manipulate and control my father.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And she would say things like, Leroy, if if you don't do this for me, I might have a heart attack and die.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I watched that happen, and I took up an offense for my father against my mother.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you think I said to myself?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: No woman's gonna ever do that to me.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna not let I'm not gonna let a woman control me.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I made this like inner vow almost.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: So here I am now, married, love my wife.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: She's a wonderful, just I don't know if there's a manipulative bone in my wife's body.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: She's just amazing.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: But she would be assertive and confident, and I would feel drawing out of that stored subconscious memory, she's trying to control me.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I would react bigger.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: The situation deserved a one.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: My response was a five.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Who was doing that to me?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So God helped me remember an event that had shaped my response.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: He helped me figure out what I was saying to myself.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: No woman's gonna ever do that to me.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And he helped me realize that I was the one creating my response.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: So what happened?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I forgave my mom.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: I forgave my dad for letting her do that.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to realize that that B was happening.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Did my response immediately change?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: No, what happened was instead of a five, it was a four and a half, and then a four, and then a three and a half, and then a three.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And over a very shorter period of time than you would imagine, I became the perfect husband that stands before you today.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm kidding.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's just setting you up.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: But in that area, it just got better.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, does that make sense to you?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, as you go to approach God, wow, you know, I'm supposed to see God a certain way, I'm supposed to learn how to enter his presence, receive his love, and all this stuff.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: As you turn toward God, what kind of stuff do you think your soul's drawing on?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Memories of what?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you think your soul reaches as you turn toward God to get love?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: What who, what, where, and when does it start remembering?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, typically.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Think about this thought for a moment.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: In a moment of expectation of deposit, an absence of the deposit creates a withdrawal.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, come on, why do you say things so weird?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: In a moment when you expect a deposit, the absence of the deposit creates a withdrawal.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: What are you saying, dude?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: When a little two-year-old reaches up for affection and doesn't get affection, it's not break-even.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: It creates a deficit.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: See, when I came into this stuff and I started to get the idea that God loves me, when I would turn toward God, what I ran into was this wall of fear.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, you know, it won't work for me, whatever, whatever.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And again, allowing God to get into this whole bee thing here, what God helped me see was how many times I had turned toward my father particularly for affection, did not get the affection I wanted, not because he was evil.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Quite honestly, he loved me the way he loved himself.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't know how to show love.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't know that then.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when I would turn toward him to get affection, I didn't get affection.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't leave me even, it makes a withdrawal.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then it makes a little kid.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: When a kid is abused in any way by actions that shouldn't happen, or by not being treated in a way that should happen, you realize both both are a form of abuse.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Getting what you shouldn't get, not getting what you should get.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Both of them are damaging.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: So when a child is abused or neglected, what does the child learn to say?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do you realize 30 years I've worked with some of the most awful things human beings can do to one another?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Awful.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've ministered to ladies, men, that have had awful things done to them in their childhood.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have never yet met one abused person who didn't have to deal with the thought that what?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was my fault.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: There was something wrong with me.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that crazy?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: But we all have a tendency to do that.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Somehow, when terrible things happen or good things don't happen, we think there's something wrong with us.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: So in this whole area of love, I wasn't able to think I didn't get the love I needed from my father because he didn't know how to give it.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: What did I learn to think?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's something wrong with me.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: He's not pleased with me.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's not proud of me.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I made it all about myself.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: When I became a Christian, who did I project that onto God?
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: So when I was turning toward God to try to receive his love, what was I saying to myself?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't like me.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: He's not proud of me.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not good enough for this.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't deserve this.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where did all that come from?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: From all that stored stuff until God helped me work through, walk through, learning how to change some of that stuff.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the big thing.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: This ABC, life-changing.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Life-changing.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you learn this simple process, something outside you happens, A.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You react, C.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you can ever learn to own B, you'll learn how to manage C.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is this the smart place to try to manage life?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Is it smart to try to manage what other people do or don't do?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of a dumb waste of energy.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: So what should you learn to manage?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, well, I'm just going to manage my responses.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Don't manage your responses.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Manage what's going on inside you, what you're thinking/slash saying to yourself, andor what memories is it connected to?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things you can learn to do when you're journaling is when you're dealing with some specific issue, there are usually one to three emotionally tagged memories.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And those memories, if you allow the Holy Spirit to kind of unpack them, will contain the greatest opportunities for freedom.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I have certain memories in my soul that were key memories for me to process to get myself to feel good again.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you've heard some of them.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Father for affection, approval, encouragement, and didn't get it.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: And God would show me one time when I was helping build uh corner desks.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: My brother and I shared a room over in Buffalo, and we were building these desks.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my brother was very uh outward, good with tools and all.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a bookworm.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was never good with that kind of stuff.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: So we'd be helping my dad, and my brother was very helpful, and I was kind of not helpful.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: My dad would say, Hey boy, go get a tool.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd run to the basement to get a tool.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what it was.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: He'd say, Go get blah, blah, blah.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I didn't know what it is.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I was too ashamed to say I didn't know what it is.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd run downstairs, number one, it would take me too long because I didn't know what I was looking for.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I got back upstairs, guess what I brought?
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: The wrong thing.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: And my father would say, Boy, are you stupid?
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't stupid.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's just not what interested me.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: But early in my life, that's the kind of stuff that God had to help me go back through and unpack a little bit in journaling.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: I had to work back through that.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: That my dad was using the language he knew, which is that outward stuff.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't know much about the inner stuff that I eventually became good at.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: So if you look in this section here, own your emotions, they're in your circle, all that stuff that's up there.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think the last statement under there is up here.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hit that next slide one second.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, back up, please, sir.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: That last statement in there is use the rock in the pond principle.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the rock in the pond principle.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you could imagine your emotions are this really smooth little pond.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when you drop a rock in the pond?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Causes little ripples.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: How big are the ripples?
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Depends on the size of the rock, right?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if someone drops a one meter rock in your pond, how big are the waves?
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: About a meter.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: What if someone drops a one meter rock in your pond and the waves are ten meters high?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: What just happened?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: One meter rock, ten meter wave.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Guess who did that?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: You did.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that statement after use the rock in the pond principle is this if the ripples are bigger than the rock, it's not the rock's fault.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Outside events do not cause your feelings.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: You do.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: You do.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: And what you want to learn to work on is, are my responses proportional to the event?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, if it's a one and your response is a five, who added the four to it?
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: You did.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: We'll take responsibility for that.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now a one deserves a one, okay?
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody pokes you at a one, you're allowed to respond back at a one.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: But if they poke you at a one and your response is a five, that's not appropriate.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you're drawing from somewhere else.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you find out what God wants to help you work on.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: When you recognize an area of your life where you respond disproportionately, that's where you go, wow, this is an area God wants to help me with.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when you get excited because He's about to help you work out some of this.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is the key to your growth, right here.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: The key to your growth, you need to become an expert at the way you think, which is talking to yourself, and learning how to connect to your memories.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to slow down and let God show you why your response is out of proportion and what memories it might be connected to.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you can learn how to allow the Holy Spirit to help you do that.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: All right, next one, please, sir.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to build healthier boundaries, you're gonna have to build a support system.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not contradicting anything I've already said.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're responsible for your emotions.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: But when you're learning this, you are probably part of a family system, relationships, kind of the way you relate to one another that's probably not perfectly healthy.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna need outside help to manage learning how to do it correctly.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, the way I'm doing it's not working right, you don't just out on your own, I'm gonna figure this out.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna need some outside reference points and support to help you figure out how to do it correctly.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because, quite honestly, when you start changing the way you do this stuff, the other people involved are not gonna like it.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're not gonna like it.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you how serious this stuff can be.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Early in my life as a counselor, we were doing inner healing with this one young couple, married couple, probably they were probably in their late 20s.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember if they had kids yet.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think they might have had one.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: But they were living in his parents' house.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, does that make any alarms go off?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: A married couple living in his parents' house.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that makes your alarms go off.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty hard to have healthy boundaries living in the same house.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: But they're living in the same house, and not because of finances, by the way.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: They just kind of that's the way they wanted it, the parents.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: So this couple comes, all this, all these people, by the way, went to our church.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: So this young couple comes for inner healing.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: She goes through the process, God does some really cool stuff.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: He goes through the process, God does some really cool stuff.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: As far as I can recall, we didn't say anything directly about living in the same house with your parents.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't say like that's wrong, you need to stop it.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't say anything like that.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a few days later, in their own prayer seeking God, talking, they decided we want to live in our own place.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting at home and I get a phone call from the sheriff's department.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: Are you Pastor Judd?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, sir.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Would you please, as quickly as possible, get to such and such an address?
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking, who is that?
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: And he said their name.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What's the deal?
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's a domestic dispute.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I get in the car, go over to these people's house, and guess what?
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: The parents of the young man locked the wife in a room and wouldn't let them leave.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: These are Christian people.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: They went, the couple went to the parents and said, We feel like God's leading us to get our own place.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: The parents went crazy, locked his wife in a room, and wouldn't let her out.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: And said, We forbid you from moving out.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody called the sheriff.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: The sheriff came.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: They called me and said, Could you please come over here and try to calm this down?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I forgot to tell you, the father is like seven feet tall.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he's massive.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, dude, are you kidding me?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: You got guns?
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Please.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I walk in this house, and I mean, I'm talking like crazy mad.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy mad.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: How dare you, you know, pollute my children's mind with these crazy thoughts.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: All I didn't say anything.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: All they wanted to do, a married couple now, all they wanted to do was have their own place.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, when you decide, you know, I think my boundaries need a little work.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be that bad, but everybody around you is not going to throw a party and celebrate.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: However, the people around you do boundaries right now, they think they're working.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: They think this is the way you do it.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: As you try to gently but firmly, gently but firmly, as you start to get a little healthier, you're probably gonna hit some resistance.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you're going to need a support system.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to find some people that encourage you, support you, strengthen you, pray for you.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, number one, in this support system, you've got to learn appropriate ways to get your needs met.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you start messing with your boundaries, you're probably used to using each other, because that's what boundary problems are about.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing my responsibilities, you're not doing yours, we're doing each other's.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: So when you start saying, you know what, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna be responsible for your stuff anymore.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be responsible for mine.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's not gonna like that.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of like you being responsible for my happiness.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: I like you dancing the dance around me to keep me happy.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean you're gonna quit keeping me happy?
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's not gonna like it.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you've got to have people that you can either get on the phone with or get in person with that can remind you what you're doing is the right thing to do.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's gonna be painful, yes, it's gonna take some time, but you can do this.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, the people you're doing it with eventually might say might, means they might not, but eventually they might even thank you.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this particular family never thanked me.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: The young couple did, but the family never did.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: I thought the guy was gonna kill me.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: I looked over my shoulder for months because I thought this guy was gonna mug me, but he never did.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: All right, next one, please.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: And this is in your notes, so make sure you're filling in those blanks.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Find loving people who will speak the truth to you.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you remember John 1.14?
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: Write that off to the side, John 1.14.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: John 1.14 said, We beheld Jesus, the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's one of my goals as a person.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be a person who's full of grace and truth.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: Grace is this amazingly attractive force that makes people feel good about themselves just the way they are.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: Grace just sends waves of the expression that I love you just the way you are.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Truth, however, says, I love you too much to leave you the way you are.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if I if I truly love you, I want to make you feel good about yourself right now, but I also want to speak the truth to you to help you change.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, what you want to do as you're building your boundary support system is find people who love you, but also have the courage to speak the truth to you.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're not willing to make the people you love uncomfortable, you're not helping them.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you watch a friend stuck, stuck in an area of their life, and you're afraid to say the truth that will get them unstuck, then you don't really love them.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: John chapter 8, Jesus said to those Jews who believe, verse 31 and 32, if you continue in my word, then you're my disciples indeed, and you shall know the truth, and the truth will what?
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: Get you unstuck.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: When you're stuck in an emotional pattern, you're stuck in a relational pattern, you're stuck in some place in your life, listen to me now, it's always the absence of truth, the misapplication of truth, or an insufficient amount of truth.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: Truth is what sets you free.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the things I've learned is if I want to be a person that God uses to set other people free, number one, I want to be full of grace.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to feel better about yourself when you're in my presence.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I also want to speak the truth to you, even if it makes you temporarily uncomfortable.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because my dream and desire for you is that you get free and live free.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: You will never get free, live free, stay free, and then be used to free others if you don't learn to traffic in truth.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: When I was learning counseling, we had this one part of our training that we had to role play.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: So we're in class, you know, in secular university, by the way, and it was my turn to role-play the counselor.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, you, you know, 10, 15, 20 minutes, they set up a scenario, you know, this is the husband, this is the wife, they got these kind of issues, and you role play as if you were the counselor.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then afterwards, the class critiques you.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I role play the counselor.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: Afterwards, the professor says, Well, what do you all think?
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: How'd they do?
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: And they be means me.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they say, you know, they said some nice things, this, that, the other.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then this one lady says, Well, I think he has a need for people to like him, and so he has a hard time speaking the truth.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: He's afraid of disappointing people.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sitting there, and I just started to get a little sad, inwardly, not outwardly.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I was thinking, oh, that stupid lady, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the professor gets up at the end and kind of summarizes and then adds her two cents, and she says, I think that statement was correct.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: Until you learn to be more direct and confrontive, you're not going to be as effective helping people.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just kind of I'm riding home and I'm kind of sad.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, God, those mean people, they just said mean things to me, and I just need you to minister to me.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what God said?
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Chipper, if you don't learn to speak the truth, I can't take you where I want you to go.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want you to be a person that other people trust to speak the truth to them when they need it, even if they don't want to hear it.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a turning point in my life as a minister, as a counselor, and just as a person when I realized that the only way I can help you change is if I'm willing to make you uncomfortable.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you agree change is uncomfortable?
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do you realize there's virtually no way to get from where you are to where you want to be without being a little bit uncomfortable?
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way to get there.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: None.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Can't be done.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what if you're the one ministering to someone?
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: You may be the one who has to tell them the uncomfortable things they need to do.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you can't be comfortable with their discomfort, you're not going to be very helpful.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_00: And guess who you can start practicing on?
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yourself.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you can think of at least one area of your life you want to see changed?
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: One area.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just one.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you have three or four?
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: Just think of one.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: I guarantee you, between where you are in that area and where you want to end up, there's probably a stretch that's not going to be comfortable.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you cannot make yourself temporarily uncomfortable, then you better like your problem because you're going to keep it.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's going to follow you for the rest of your life.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're willing to be temporarily uncomfortable, you can deal with your problem and be free of it.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking like fight it for the rest of your life.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking be free of it.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now the crazy thing is, I've already told you this, one of the things I'm kind of known for is being truthful.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody says, hey, you know, you seem to be stuck, you know, your leadership team, something's not working.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I know this guy, bring him in, and he'll help you diagnose what's wrong.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I get called into leaders' churches, and I sit in the room and watch how they talk to each other, and then afterwards they say, What do you think?
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you think you're listening and you're not.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, dude, I'm the leader.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: Don't talk to me like that.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I thought you wanted me to help.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are you saying I'm the problem?
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying you're the problem.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I would pay you for.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you wanted to fix the problem.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: How about this one?
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: One of the first churches I ever got called into.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_00: Guy calls me in.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: Churches plateaued, not doing well.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: Good people, healthy people are leaving.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: Calls me in.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: Meet with my leaders, meet with my elders, meet with my board, help me figure out what's wrong here.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: I spend two of the most stressful days of my life up to that point.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: Meeting with all these different leaders.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then he says, you know, let's go for a ride.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he says, okay, talk to me.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: What's my problem?
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: What have you figured out?
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_00: How'd you like to tell the pastor that his problem is his wife?
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: And every person I met with, every single one, said, if you don't get your wife out of the middle of everything, they're leaving.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you know it's gut check time?
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you're thinking, hmm, this guy's about to write me a check.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna say this?
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you know that's when those are defining moments?
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sitting there looking at this guy thinking, wow.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just, as lovingly as I could, I said, sir, I know what your problem is.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Your problem is your wife.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: She's very unhealthy, and she's very disruptive of every department in your church.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: And all of them resent the fact that you don't keep her out of everything.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know what he did?
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: He just kind of dropped his head and he said, I thought that's what you were gonna tell me.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then you know what he did?
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_00: He said, What in the world do I do about it?
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because basically, she was not gonna take it very well.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's the truth.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: He did write me a check, we did shake hands, and I left.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: Never heard from him again.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I know to this day he never did anything about his problem.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: And all those good people left, and the church started to go down, and now it's down at a very much smaller size, just kind of limping along.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_00: And they can preach on the devil and the enemy and conspiracy and all the stuff they want to preach on, but in reality the problem was an avoidance of truth, an inability to ingest the truth, act on it, take our medicine, grow from it, and move forward.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you honestly, how many of you would want to know if you were the problem?
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you would like to think that you would?
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: All I got to say to you is it's harder than you think.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I think's the secret.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: Live in relationships that have lots of truth in them all the time.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just build relationships around you that just naturally have lots of truth in them.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then when you need the truth, it won't be so foreign to you.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just build friendships where every once in a while you just stop and say, you know what?
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_00: How am I doing?
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean it.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_00: Don't lie to me.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't tell me at least one thing I don't want to hear, I don't believe you're being truthful to me.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're really my friend, tell me how you think I'm doing.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you've got to have some friends like that in your life.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you keep that kind of a culture around you, you're gonna probably stay pretty healthy and you're gonna continue to grow.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because truth is what gets you unstuck and keeps you growing.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, next one, please.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, if you want to have healthy boundaries, you've got to clean up your language.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I don't mean stop cussing.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've already done that.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_00: But what I mean is start monitoring how you use words.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like when you talk, talk about what you think, what you feel, what you want, not what you think, what you feel, what you want.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_00: Who's the only person you can authoritatively speak for?
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yourself.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_00: So practice catching yourself when you get inside somebody else's circle.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what you really meant by that was, how do you know what I meant by that?
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just own what's in your circle and leave mine alone?
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_00: So just start practicing catching that.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: Next one, please.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: Here's some examples, and I think this is on your last, yeah, this is the block over there.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is the same thing that's on your notes.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: But what feel the difference here?
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: Stop yelling at me.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_00: You must be nicer.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I'm the abusive person.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: Where is my yelling?
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: Inside my circle.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: Can you stop me from yelling?
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why are you wasting your energy about things that are in my circle?
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: All right, now I'm the other person.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your yelling's in your circle.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: What I do about it is where?
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: In my circle.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: So why would I waste my time telling you to stop yelling?
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_00: What I do say over on the right, you can continue to yell if you choose to.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's in your circle.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can yell all you want.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the deal.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to be around when you do.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what did I just do?
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_00: I gave up responsibility for what's in your circle, which is your yelling, but I took responsibility for what's in mine.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how many of you know that person's gonna be like, wow, this isn't working like it used to?
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_00: All right, next one.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_00: You've just got to stop drinking.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's ruining our family.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_00: Please listen.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're wrecking our lives.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'm the drinker.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: Where's my drinking?
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_00: In my circle.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: Who's responsible for everything in my circle?
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: Can you stop me from drinking?
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_00: Then why are you wasting your time trying to manage my circle?
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you say?
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_00: You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's in your circle.
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can't stop you from drinking.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: The next time you're drunk, we're going to go to the Wilsons, our next door neighbor, and we're going to tell them why we're there.
• 48:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your drinking is your choice.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_00: What I will put up with is mine.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, do you feel the difference?
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: You still disapprove of the drinking, you still want it to stop, but you've owned your part of it, which is what you're going to do, not what they're going to do.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why in the world would you waste a lot of time and energy whining about what the other person's doing or not doing?
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, you know what?
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to help you stop that.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not going to try.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: But this is what I am going to do.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, next one.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're a pervert to look at pornography.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's so degrading.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of a sick person are you?
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I'm the pervert.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_00: Forgive me.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: Where is my pornography?
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_00: Addiction?
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's in my circle.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_00: Can you stop my addiction?
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you responsible for my addiction?
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why are you wasting your breath talking about it?
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know what?
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_00: These are married people.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to choose to share you sexually with other women in magazines.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_00: The choice is yours.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_00: I will only sleep with someone who's interested in me.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: Make up your mind and choose.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know what, dude?
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can continue to look at pornography for the rest of your life.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_00: Have at it.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_00: But if you choose to do that, you will not sleep with me.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_00: Can a wife do that?
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_00: Please do.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_00: Please do.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_00: Please do.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_00: Have enough respect for yourself that when you're naked, you're who he's thinking about.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_00: Say yes if that's a good idea.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: Fellas, is that a good idea?
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_00: How much of our sexuality do our spouses own?
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_00: How much of our sexuality do our spouses own?
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_00: A hundred percent.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: Say a hundred percent.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_00: When I get married, how much of the rest of my sex life belongs to my wife?
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_00: All of it.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_00: When I get married, how much of my sex life does my wife own?
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: All of it.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_00: My goal is that every ounce of my sexuality goes to my wife.
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_00: And every ounce of hers comes to me.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this weekend.
• 50:59
  SPEAKER_00: Will y'all pray with me?
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think we even need to pray about that one.
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_00: I just tease you like that so you know you can be married 35 years and it still be fun.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_00: My wife and I are still having lots of fun.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_00: Next one, please.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_00: I hope y'all don't mind.
• 51:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean to embarrass you.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's creepy for us older folks to still have sex, but use a three-step approach.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_00: When you need to confront somebody, use a three-step approach.
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want you to think like you're going to talk to someone.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you have talked to me, so you're going to talk to someone that needs to hear you re-establish some boundary stuff.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, communicate your love.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_00: Make it clear.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm crazy about you.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_00: I love the relationship we have.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_00: I value you so highly.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone know the next word?
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_00: But.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_00: Explain your boundaries and limits.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_00: I love you, but the way we're doing this has got to change.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then, if necessary, define the consequences.
• 52:21
  SPEAKER_00: One of my favorite stories years ago, long time ago, my secretary now and for years came to me and said, I've got a friend.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_00: Her husband's an alcoholic.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_00: Would you talk to her?
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_00: She comes, talks to me.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: Alcoholic, blah, blah, blah.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay, here's the deal.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_00: Go home and tell your husband, I love you.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm honored to be married to you.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_00: When I stood at that altar and said my vows, I meant every word of it.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I would be thrilled to spend the rest of my life with you.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: What am I doing?
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, what's next?
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not living this way any longer.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't deal with your drinking and go with me together to get help, I'm gonna stay married to you, but I'm gonna live at a separate address that you're gonna pay for.
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be faithful to you.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna live by the vows that we made, but I will not live this way any longer.
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what do you want me to do?
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go get some help together.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, what did I have sitting in front of me the next week?
• 53:40
  SPEAKER_00: This really angry guy.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: I never brought up.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: I never brought up his drinking.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_00: Never even brought it up.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_00: All I did was look him in the eye and say, sir, do you love this wonderful lady?
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I do.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to stay married to her?
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I would.
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to have a great marriage?
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 54:06
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to work on it?
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go to work.
• 54:13
  SPEAKER_00: So we met week after week after week.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now here we are, like I think it's 18 years later.
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_00: He's not had a drink in 18 years.
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_00: Their marriage is famous for the rejuvenation of love and affection.
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_00: He's gotten saved, baptized, walking with God amazingly.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, they're like one of my favorite success stories.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_00: But the real turning point was some version of this.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I have to be honest with you, does it always work out that way?
• 54:47
  SPEAKER_00: No, it does not.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I can promise you this if you keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna keep getting what you're getting.
• 54:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't change something, nothing's going to change.
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_00: So figure out a way to change.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_00: And most of the time, you can come up with one small step that upsets the Apple card enough that you have to redefine it.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_00: It won't necessarily be pain-free, but it works.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_00: Next one, please.
• 55:24
  SPEAKER_00: Back up.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_00: See what's next.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_00: Is there one more?
• 55:31
  SPEAKER_00: No, backwards, backwards.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, one more?
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever, let me just fill in the blank here.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_00: At the bottom there, I don't know if this is up there.
• 55:42
  SPEAKER_00: That might be what I'm looking for.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_00: The last one on that column is get an outside or skilled perspective if necessary.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, the bottom line is sometimes you have to get professional help.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, sometimes, when I say professional, spiritually trained people that can help you with that.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_00: All right, this next little section that we've got to finish, here's the here's, we're not repeating ourselves.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the way to look at the one list and differentiate it from this one.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: The other list that we just went through is kind of like in general, how do you work on getting your boundaries healthier?
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_00: This one is if you have a particular cycle with someone that you keep repeating.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_00: So you're looking at a particular cycle that you're trying to figure out how to get through.
• 56:30
  SPEAKER_00: All right, number one, you want to identify.
• 56:34
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 56:35
  SPEAKER_00: What's really going on inside of me?
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_00: Always start with yourself.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_00: Always start looking at your circle and what am I feeling?
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_00: That next one, slow down and unscramble the moment.
• 56:49
  SPEAKER_00: Give a name to what you're feeling.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you can look at the the cycle you're trapped in and just start thinking, okay, what's going on inside of me?
• 57:01
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling?
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I reacting the way I am?
• 57:04
  SPEAKER_00: All that kind of stuff.
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_00: Own your feelings.
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hit it one more time.
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_00: Is that up there?
• 57:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's right there.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, is that the bottom of that one?
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_00: Own your feelings.
• 57:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_00: Own your feelings.
• 57:15
  SPEAKER_00: They're inside your circle.
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_00: So just start there.
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_00: You got this thing with somebody, you keep doing.
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, start with yourself.
• 57:21
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling?
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_00: I feel abandoned.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel dishonored.
• 57:25
  SPEAKER_00: I feel responsible.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_00: I feel whatever.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_00: Figure out what you're feeling.
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, next one.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, detach yourself.
• 57:35
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of literally pull away a little bit so you can get a healthier objective.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_00: And now what you want to ask is what's really going on in the situation?
• 57:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to develop the ability to start looking at it objectively, without emotion, if you can.
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_00: Try to just kind of like get up above it and look down on it.
• 58:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm, what's really happening here?
• 58:03
  SPEAKER_00: Who's doing what to whom?
• 58:06
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to use questions with yourself.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know it sounds a little weird to ask yourself questions.
• 58:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do this with each other, quite honestly.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let me give you a few questions to use.
• 58:18
  SPEAKER_00: These won't be up here.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest one is why?
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just why?
• 58:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 58:24
  SPEAKER_00: In the first part, you you start to think about what am I feeling?
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_00: In this one, you start saying, okay, why am I feeling that way?
• 58:31
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling abandoned?
• 58:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling rejected?
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling dishonored?
• 58:40
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling over-responsible?
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_00: Another question is, what need, what need is not being met?
• 58:53
  SPEAKER_00: What need is not being met?
• 58:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you feel this cycle you're caught in with somebody.
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what needs at the bottom of this?
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_00: I need to protect you.
• 59:07
  SPEAKER_00: I need you to feel be okay.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's where you take that one to the next level.
• 59:14
  SPEAKER_00: Who's responsible for meeting that need?
• 59:22
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, I have a cycle with someone and they behave in a way that makes me feel disrespected.
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I get to the bottom and I'm like, okay, I feel disrespected.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I ask myself, what need?
• 59:37
  SPEAKER_00: My need to feel respected.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_00: Who's responsible for meeting that need?
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's a pivotal moment.
• 59:43
  SPEAKER_00: When the light goes on, and I realize, you know what?
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're not responsible for making me feel respected.
• 59:51
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden the tension between us just got cut in half.
• 59:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like the way you act, but I'm no longer holding you responsible for making me feel respected.
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_00: So now my response is easier for me to manage because I don't need you to make me feel respected.
• 1:00:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you practice using questions.
• 1:00:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then that last statement there, consider several options.
• 1:00:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you can ever realize that you don't have to react the way you always have in the past.
• 1:00:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've told you this before.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you can choose it, you can change it.
• 1:00:33
  SPEAKER_00: Having choices is having power.
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you give up your right to have choices, you give up your power.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_00: So you've got to believe you've got choices.
• 1:00:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one: decide.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_00: So identify, detach, and decide.
• 1:00:53
  SPEAKER_00: Choose a response that defines and defends your boundaries without violating someone else's.
• 1:01:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be tricky sometimes.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_00: But you really can learn how to define and defend yourself without violating somebody else.
• 1:01:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, probably, like I said earlier, it's going to cause some tension between you because you're either doing jobs for them they want you to keep doing, or you've been letting them do jobs for you they want to keep doing.
• 1:01:27
  SPEAKER_00: So when you start redefining who's responsible for what, you may get some pushback.
• 1:01:34
  SPEAKER_00: But in the long run, done properly, with God's help, you're going to be healthier, they're going to be healthier, and life's going to go a whole lot better.
• 1:01:45
  SPEAKER_00: Done.
• 1:01:47
  SPEAKER_00: Any questions?
• 1:01:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, sir.
• 1:01:59
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever not been paid or been kicked out of a church for what you told them?
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_00: Have I ever not been paid or kicked out of a church?
• 1:02:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um you know, probably not exactly.
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_00: Mostly you just don't get invited back.
• 1:02:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or um, what you are paid is a statement.
• 1:02:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I actually have one church who I feel quite sure cheated me.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like they received offerings for me, and there's no way on earth what I got was what they received.
• 1:02:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I think they were just trying to say, we don't really appreciate you and don't want you back.
• 1:02:35
  SPEAKER_00: So they, how many of you know you can fire somebody by not paying them what they're worth?
• 1:02:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're really firing them, but without firing them.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I've had that kind of thing happen.
• 1:02:46
  SPEAKER_00: But most of the time, um, most of the time they just don't have you back.
• 1:02:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_00: I can live with that.
• 1:02:55
  SPEAKER_00: Some places I don't want to go back.
• 1:02:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there aren't many.
• 1:02:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's only about two or three I've been where I thought, you know, if they ever invite me back, I think I'll have to have a chat with them.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't happen too often.
• 1:03:08
  SPEAKER_00: Any other questions about anything?
• 1:03:12
  SPEAKER_00: Pardon me?
• 1:03:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I left one blank.
• 1:03:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 1:03:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the from the first day or okay, the sheet from the first day, right?
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is that what that is?
• 1:03:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the first day.
• 1:03:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the bottom where you have three blanks, what's it say?
• 1:03:31
  SPEAKER_00: It says ingredients needed for real life change.
• 1:03:35
  SPEAKER_00: Grace, truth, and time.
• 1:03:39
  SPEAKER_00: Grace, truth, and time.
• 1:03:43
  SPEAKER_00: Grace, truth, and time.
• 1:03:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is not on the boundaries notes, it's on the other ones.
• 1:03:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the picture one on the other side, I'm sorry, but we just don't have time to go through that.
• 1:03:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a cool teaching, but um let me think if it's on the website anywhere or will be.
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let me just tell you this if you're interested.
• 1:04:02
  SPEAKER_00: I do have a website, chipjud.com.
• 1:04:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, by the end of the month, it's gonna be new because the one that's on there is pretty lame and it's been on there forever.
• 1:04:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I've got a young guy that's helping me.
• 1:04:14
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why I'm telling you about it.
• 1:04:16
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm hoping is there's gonna be a free resource page, and it hopefully it's gonna have a bunch of messages slowly building on it, because a lot of places I go speak, they put the messages online on their website.
• 1:04:30
  SPEAKER_00: So what I'm gonna do is all that stuff I'll just put on my website, and you can go get it for free.
• 1:04:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now that'll be repetition sometimes, because sometimes I speak on the same thing different places.
• 1:04:39
  SPEAKER_00: But also what I'll put there is the notes, like these kind of notes, and so you'd be able to get notes.
• 1:04:45
  SPEAKER_00: I may even put my PowerPoint, I use PowerPoints a lot, so I might even put them there so you could actually like walk, look through the PowerPoint as you're listening to the message.
• 1:04:54
  SPEAKER_00: So the bottom line is I hope to have some pretty helpful free stuff there if uh you want to take advantage of it.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_00: All right, can I pray for you?
• 1:05:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's been wonderful being with you guys.
• 1:05:10
  SPEAKER_00: Pardon me?
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the Norway question.
• 1:05:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um they're waiting.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_00: Norway, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 1:05:20
  SPEAKER_00: The Norway question is if you you want me to answer this?
• 1:05:27
  SPEAKER_00: If someone with more authority, like a leader of the school, says, you're going to do this tonight, but you feel that it's not good for you to do that, but you want to obey leadership, can I say no?
• 1:05:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um I would probably answer it like this.
• 1:05:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think under normal circumstances we should be free to say no.
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_00: But if we're in a learning environment where we're learning things like submitting to authority, that we probably need to be responsive and submit to authority.
• 1:06:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now I would say one but.
• 1:06:16
  SPEAKER_00: The one but is if in any form or shape or whatever you feel like what you're being asked to do would be harmful to you, I think you should always be allowed to say no.
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um and healthy authority should always give you an appeal process.
• 1:06:36
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, healthy authority should always give you a way to.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_00: To appeal when you don't agree with the decision.
• 1:06:45
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean you're going to get your way, because remember, in the middle of all this stuff I'm teaching, when I'm all this, you know, learn to say no, I don't mean that toward healthy, God-given authority.
• 1:06:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean that toward the 90% of the other out there.
• 1:07:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not trying to teach you how to say no to authority.
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_00: We want to say yes to authority.
• 1:07:05
  SPEAKER_00: But healthy authority should empower you to question within boundaries.
• 1:07:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that makes sense.
• 1:07:15
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I'm I live a very submitted life, I think, I hope.
• 1:07:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very submitted to authority.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I would go this far.
• 1:07:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you ask me to submit to your authority, I believe I have a right to ask you, whose authority are you submitted to?
• 1:07:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you say God, then I say, well, I think I'll do that too.
• 1:07:45
  SPEAKER_00: Which means I'm not submitting to you.
• 1:07:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're submitted directly to God, I think I will too.
• 1:07:54
  SPEAKER_00: What am I trying to say?
• 1:07:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you want me to submit to someone with skin on them, then you need to be submitted to someone with skin.
• 1:08:03
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 1:08:05
  SPEAKER_00: How dare I expect you to submit to me if I'm submitted to no one?
• 1:08:11
  SPEAKER_00: You mean like the leader of the church?
• 1:08:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:08:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have a right to go to the leader of the church and say, dude, when you need someone to speak into your life, who have you given the right power and authority to do that?
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if he can't tell me anybody, I'm probably not going to submit to him.
• 1:08:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because I believe no one is allowed to say, I submit directly to God and answer to no one else.
• 1:08:40
  SPEAKER_00: I worked for one of those one time.
• 1:08:44
  SPEAKER_00: All of us need to be submitted to someone with skin.
• 1:08:48
  SPEAKER_00: Say yes if that makes sense.
• 1:08:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it ought to be demonstrative.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, you you know what I did in my church?
• 1:08:55
  SPEAKER_00: We would print a we would print the phone number in the bulletin of my pastor.
• 1:09:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we would say to the church occasionally, if you're ever uncomfortable with anything I say or do, you can call my pastor.
• 1:09:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was a pastor of the church.
• 1:09:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I told my church that if I ever act inappropriately, you can call my pastor.
• 1:09:20
  SPEAKER_00: In all the years of pastoring, one family did that.
• 1:09:23
  SPEAKER_00: And my pastor called me, said, This family has called me, and they think there's something wrong.
• 1:09:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Let's meet.
• 1:09:32
  SPEAKER_00: So we all went over to this pastor's office and we met, and he talked us through the problem.
• 1:09:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was right.
• 1:09:39
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm kidding.
• 1:09:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm just I'm just fanatical about that.
• 1:09:45
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody should be under authority.
• 1:09:47
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody.
• 1:09:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want me to submit to your authority, I expect to be able to ask you what authority are you under?
• 1:09:54
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that fair?
• 1:09:57
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:09:59
  SPEAKER_00: Some leaders get uncomfortable with that, by the way.
• 1:10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Are we done?
• 1:10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Any other questions?
• 1:10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Did I ask them?
• 1:10:06
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you were going to make me answer that other one about why my wife still married me.
• 1:10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's pray.
• 1:10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Lord.
• 1:10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Father, thank you for the honor, the privilege of being with these wonderful folks.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for the people in Norway, and we just pray for them and bless them.
• 1:10:24
  SPEAKER_00: God, I just pray that all of us would, by your with your help, God, that we would take all this and filter it through our beliefs and values, and that we would apply it inside each of our cultures in a way that creates movement and growth without being any more disruptive than it has to be.
• 1:10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And again, Father, I thank you for the privilege of being with these wonderful folks, and I pray that they would do the greatest thing they could do for you, and if they wanted to bless me, and that is go out and live amazing lives.
• 1:11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Just live amazing lives for God.
• 1:11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And we thank you for it, sir, in Jesus' name.
• 1:11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 1:11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Bless you guys.
• 1:11:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's been fun to be here.