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Trauma Bond Symptoms · Trauma Free Relationship

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Today we're talking about a topic that so many adults with
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attachment and relational trauma often carry, and carry it
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quietly, I think, and that is trauma bonding.
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We're going to talk about what are the signs that you may be in
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a trauma bond. More specifically, by the end of
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this episode, you're going to understand what a trauma bond
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is, how it forms from an insecure attachment style, and
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how your nervous system adapts to that attachment style.
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We're clearly going to cover the signs that you may be in a
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trauma bond and we're going to take the additional step and
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start talking about how do we begin breaking the cycle and
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begin healing. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm your host, Tom Philp, and
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I've been working for years with adults who struggle with
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relational and attachment trauma to regain trust in themselves
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and others so that they can begin to experience a safe and
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secure relationship. Let's get started,
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OK? As I mentioned in the opener,
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we're going to talk about signs that you're in a trauma bond
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today or trauma bond symptoms. Let's define what it is first,
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because I do think there's some confusion out there.
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For a long time, I, I, I struggled with this term, not
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because I didn't see the clinical manifestations of it
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in, in the couples that I were seeing, but because I think it
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had been generalized, watered down and misused and the term
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even abused in the popular culture.
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So let's just be clear. So the, we're all on the same
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page here. What is a trauma bond?
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A trauma bond. It's a strong emotional
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attachment formed through a cycle of intermittent reward and
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intermittent harm, whether it's physical, emotional, or sexual
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harm in a relationship. But here's the key that because
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the reward and the the harm are intermittent, we know that
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that's some of the strongest kind of association you can get.
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And I'll explain that a little bit.
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But because of the intermittent harm that can be done, the key
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is that there is just enough to hook the person.
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And we're going to talk about what that hook means, but
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there's just enough warmth, or there's just enough kindness, or
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there's just enough affection to keep you on the hook, meaning to
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keep you in the relationship. And So what happens is even
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though the connection is never stable enough for you to feel
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safe, there's enough of a hook to keep you in the relationship.
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So often times it can begin to feel like a roller coaster ride.
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We have these really high highs where things are great, we're so
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connected, we're so in love. And then we have these really
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low lows where it just feels like I'm losing myself or my
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sanity in this relationship. So think about a trauma bond as
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the attachment system that's trying to survive in a
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threatening or unstable relationship, not one that's
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able to thrive in that relationship.
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And So what happens is your brain learns that that closeness
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gives me relief when it's there, and distance creates panic when
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it's there. And if I just do more, if I try
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harder, fix more, work harder, be more compliant, then I'll be
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a good version of myself and we'll finally have peace in this
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relationship. And So what happens is your
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nervous system actually becomes hooked on the unpredictable
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cycle. Not not because it's weak in any
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way, but because the cycle has been going on long enough that
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this has become what it knows. This has become the norm, and
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because we're wired for connection, there's enough of a
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bond that your attachment drive keeps going back hoping for the
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end result that it then never seems to really get, and so the
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connection ends up being mixed with fear.
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Things are great right now. I feel wonderful, but now I
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dread when they turn the other way.
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And so it's really important to understand that a lot of this
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comes out of inconsistent or insecure attachment.
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Think about a parent and a child where the parent might give lots
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of love to the child, maybe for a good grade they made, but then
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withdraw their love from the child when they did something
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disapproving to the parent. Maybe they got AB.
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And so now all of a sudden the parent, not just that they might
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be disappointed or that they might want to talk through, oh,
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how could you do better last time?
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Did you try your best? Well, if you did, that's OK.
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It could be a hard subject, whatever that is.
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But rather they literally withdraw their love.
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And so the child learns that if I do the right things, I can get
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what I need. If I do the wrong things, I
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clearly won't get what I need. But I can never predict what the
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right things are. It seems like I'm fighting a
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war, but I don't know the rules, and I certainly had no say in
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this game. A game is probably a better word
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than a war. So you're playing this game, but
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nobody told you the rules. And so you're kind of just
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making this up as you go along because it seems like everybody
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else, your partner knows the rules, but you don't.
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And you, you're hitting a moving target.
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So before it was over here to the left and I could hit that.
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And OK, now my brains made a model of that.
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I know how to hit that target. Oh, wait, what's this?
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What's this over here? Why did it move?
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How come it's on the right side now?
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And this can be crazy making for some people, but it can be sort
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of addictive to your nervous system, meaning your nervous
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system looks for patterns and your nervous system looks for
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predictability. And your nervous system is wired
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first and foremost for safety. So it is constantly looking for,
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how do I get safe with this person?
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And because your attachment drive never goes away, we're
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always trying to connect with our partner.
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But when that connection is unstable, when it's mixed with
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fear and fright as opposed to security and safety, then your
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nervous system is going to adapt to that.
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And when it does, it almost shows up as if it's like some
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kind of an addiction. The relationship almost becomes
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like some kind of an addiction. There's been research that has
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shown that abusive relationships, often times the
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partner that is abused in the relationship will actually do
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things to provoke the other partner in an effort to get it
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over with. So instead of holding on to the
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dread of not knowing when their partner is going to explode, not
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knowing when their partner might turn that anger into violence,
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they actually do things in some ways to provoke it.
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Because then once it it's over, the dread goes away.
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Now, I'm not saying every trauma bond relationship is a
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physically abusive relationship, but some of them certainly can
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be. And often times from an
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emotional standpoint, it can certainly feel like that.
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But let me say, if you are in in any kind of an abusive
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relationship, it's extremely important to go and get help.
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You need to have a community of people that can help you be able
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to extract yourself from that relationship because it is toxic
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and you will never win. You will never get that person
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to love you the way you need to be loved.
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You will not wake them up enough, you will not.
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They will not have some experience of you or you cannot
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love them enough to treat you the way you deserve to be
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treated. And so if you are in that kind
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of a relationship, specifically a a toxic kind of physical,
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mental or emotional abusive relationship, it's very
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important you reach out to a community because it will take a
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community for you to be able to extract yourself.
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But safety is number 1. You have to get yourself safe.
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And let me say, if this is a triggering episode for anybody,
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you do not have to continue listening.
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I'm not here to make things worse.
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I'm here to help. So if you start to feel yourself
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getting very triggered, please turn this off.
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Reach out to other mental health practitioners if you have your
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own therapist or a family member or somebody that can help you
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sort of re regulate yourself if that's the case.
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So that's a lot about how trauma bonds are created.
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They're, they're created through a very inconsistent
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relationship. It feels like things are, you
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know, red hot when we're in love and our passion is just burning
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for each other. And then it goes to almost this,
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this hate and rage type of feelings where things are as as
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bad as they feel like they can get.
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And it's that back and forth that up and down, that swinging
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left, swinging right they can that can cause your nervous
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system to almost crave those ups and downs because that's what
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it's becoming adaptive to. Let's talk about signs that you
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may be in a trauma bond. And some of these I may have
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already actually tipped us off to, but we're going to click
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through these anyway. So one of the first ones is you
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might feel addicted to the other person.
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For example, maybe you can't stop thinking about them.
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You crave their approval or your emotions swing on their
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behavior, right? As I said before, there's this
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kind of addictive quality to them, right?
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And and even though you might dread when your partner is upset
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or pulls away or gets extremely angry, those cycles that couples
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can get caught in, what you find is that you're actually
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ruminating on your partner, ruminating and obsessing to a
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degree on their behavior. You become extremely hyper
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vigilant to anything that might set them off, right down to
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whether you can see their pupil dilated in the rye as to whether
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they're angry or not angry. And I'm not making that up.
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I've had people tell me that before that they become so
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attuned to their partner for fear of when and what might
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trigger them, that they're literally looking right into
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their pupils to try to discern what is it that might trigger my
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partner that brings about this very thing that I'm trying to
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avoid the most. So if there is sort of this
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addictive quality that you're constantly thinking about them,
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you're constantly trying to figure out how to please them,
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and you're constantly looking and and hyper vigilant to their
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behavior, then that might be a sign that you're in a trauma
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bond bond. Another sign is is you hold on
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to the potential more than the reality.
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Let me rephrase that. Often times you think about,
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well, if we could just get here, it would be great.
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If we could just do this, it would be wonderful if my partner
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would just love me this way, man, this would be the best
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relationship I ever have. But you're not really settling
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in to the reality of what you're living every single day.
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So often times, as I mentioned before, there's a hook.
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Your partner will do something after they get mad and scream at
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you or after they withdraw and and freeze you out for days at a
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time or whatever that cycle might look like.
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Then all of a sudden they're extremely into you.
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All of a sudden they might what I've heard in the culture now
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referred to as love bomb you. So all of a sudden they're
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cozying up to you, they're sweet as possible, they're doting on
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you, they're showering with you with love and affection.
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And you're like, Oh my gosh, if it could just be this way all
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the time, this relationship would be perfect.
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But then at some point that begins to weigh.
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But that becomes the key, the hook, if you will, because
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that's what your brain longs for and that's what your brain
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remembers. But that's only a small
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percentage of the time. The rest of the time you're
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living in this dread or this anxiety and, and you're, you're
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dealing with the fallout of what's happening versus those
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good times when you're able to get what you need.
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So you're holding on to the potential more than more than
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really acknowledging the reality.
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Another sign you may be in a trauma bond is you minimize or
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rationalize the harm for harmful behavior.
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And, and this is absolutely crucial because I don't know
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anybody on earth that's ever worked with an abusive couple
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before and how the abuser, not always the female, but certainly
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probably more often than not, is the female.
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They justify the behavior, they minimalize the behavior.
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They call the police, the police show up.
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Ma'am, was he hitting on you? No, no, no, no.
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We were just have an argument. I was that much at fault as he
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was. No, no, no, it's not his fault.
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They rationalize and they minimize.
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They explain it away or they blame themselves or they say,
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well, you know, I, I did this to provoke them.
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It's really my fault. They take the blame.
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They fall on the sword, so to speak.
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And so, you know, they, they end up excusing the behavior of the
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partner as opposed to again, dealing with the reality of
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what's really happening in the relationship.
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Another sign you may be in a trauma bond.
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You feel intense fear of losing them, even when you're hurting.
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I'm going to say that again because that's really important.
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There's a part of you that feels hurt by them, does not like the
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way you treat them, and yet you can clearly recognize there's
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another part of you that feels absolutely scared to death of
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losing them. So much so that you modify your
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behavior to make sure you don't push them away.
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Because what feels more scary to you is for them to actually turn
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and walk away, to leave you, to abandon you, to reject you.
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That would bring up a trauma wound far greater than the fear
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that you feel for not getting it right for them.
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Or the fear that we might go through another cycle.
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Or the fear that they're going to get angry or upset or
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withdraw their love. Or that they might say the most
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unspeakable things to you and call you horrible names.
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Because these things can happen too.
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So the fear of that is real for you, but the trauma, fear of
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actually having them leave and abandoned you and feeling
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rejected is even worse. So you find yourself modifying
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your behavior so as you you can minimize the fear, but you're
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really what you're minimizing is the potential for them to walk
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away. Another sign is that yourself
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worth may be tied to the relationship.
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In other words, you might feel small or invisible or unheard,
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unseen, and yet you're terrified to be able to walk away.
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So it's not just that we're caught on this cycle and you can
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actually separate yourself from the relationship and you can go,
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I'm a good person or you know, this just isn't working for me.
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If you could do that in the 1st place, you probably would have
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left by now or you would have set a very clear barrier and
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boundary for your partner if this ever happens again, right?
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I'm done, I'm out of here. And there's zero question that
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your partner knows you're serious about that.
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It's not an empty threat because it's not something that you've
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repeated multiple times and they know you will enough to know
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that when you set a boundary, you will stick to it.
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So it's not those issues, it's rather so much of your identity
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is wrapped up into how your partner sees you and yourself.
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Worth can often tie to the relationship another another
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sign that you may have a being a trauma bond.
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You cycle through the rupture and repair without any true
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accountability or healing. This is why I talk so much about
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repairing ruptures and relationships because I just see
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so much damage done to relationships when they've spent
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years in ruptures but never in repair or rarely ever in repair.
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And So what happens is the couple will have these ruptures,
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but there's never any updating of the learning.
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There's never any growth together as a couple.
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There's never any updating their their maps of each other, likes,
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dislikes, triggers, effective communications.
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They just stay stuck in this same trauma cycle that they
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repeat over and over and over. And more importantly, there's
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never accountability either one partner or the other.
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And certainly if, if one partner is more aggressive and, and
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creates more unsafety in the relationship through a variety
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of means, whatever that might be, being able to come back and
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take accountability for that and being able to understand the
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impact to the partner is crucial for being able to make those
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repairs. And that's really extremely
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important because when that happens, then the partner feels
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like there's some kind of healing and it can almost just
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wash, wash some of the wounds away.
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We don't hold on to wounds when we've made an effective repair.
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Now, sometimes it might need multiple repairs because a wound
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is so big or deep, but we typically are able to sort of
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wash that out of our system. And we go on.
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And part of that is because our brain says, 0.
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We can do this. I feel more hopeful to us as a
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couple now because we know how to repair these disruptions when
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they happen. My partner can come back and
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apologize and take responsibility and
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accountability for their part. I can do it for my part as well.
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And we can actually dig deep and have the conversation about what
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really happened so that we actually understand what really
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got triggered for us so that it doesn't feel like we're just
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constantly fighting over The Dirty dishes or whose turn it is
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to cook dinner or, you know, whatever small little thing
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might trigger us in the moment. So being able to break that
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cycle of rupture without the repair and having effective
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repairs could create a trauma bond over over time for sure.
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And and then finally leaving feels impossible or dangerous.
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And I'm going to repeat that again because that's really
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crucial as well. If you thought about leaving,
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but it scares you to leave because of what your partner
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might do, or it feels absolutely impossible or there's nothing in
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your body that you sense would feel safer and better, then
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that's a really good sign that there may be something pretty,
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pretty serious going on in your relationship.
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You might be in a trauma bond. OK, let's shift gears.
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So we've outlined there, if you were counting, those were seven
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different symptoms of a trauma bond.
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Let's start talking about what happens if you can say yes to
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some of those. Now, I, I don't have a rule out
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here like we do in the the DSM, which is the Diagnostic
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Statistical Manual. It's how we tell whether
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somebody is has a clinical disorder of some kind.
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And the rule out simply is, for example, somebody has
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depression. There may be 11 signs or
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symptoms of depression of major clinical depression in the DSM.
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And if somebody can say yes to six or seven of those 11, then
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you can diagnose them with that. That's what a rule out is.
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So you they can check mark a certain number of sessions of,
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excuse me, a certain number of symptoms of a list of sentence.
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And if they have enough of those, they break the threshold
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to be diagnosed as that. You're probably thinking to
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yourself, like right now, wow, that seems like an incredibly
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inefficient system. And you're right, it is, but
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there's advantages and then there's some huge disadvantages
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to that. But this is the system that we
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have as therapist right now in our lives in at least North
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America here and, and, and parts of the Western world that would
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that we have to deal with. So regardless of whether it's
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great or not great, that's it. I don't want you to think, and I
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say all this because I don't want you to think.
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Well, if I say yes to three of these, but no to 4, then I'm
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ruled out. No, I think you take it on a
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point by point basis. So if you say yes to any of
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these, then use that as a launching point to just sort of
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look at your relationship and look at you in your
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relationship. I'm not going to go so far as to
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say that you are definitively in a trauma bond because I wouldn't
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know that unless I saw you in my coaching programming and
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actually really sort of assess that for myself.
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But you know, that's for you to evaluate and for you to decide.
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But, but I just want you to know there's not sort of a a rule out
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here. So if you check a certain number
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of boxes of these seven symptoms, well then definitely
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I'm going to trauma bond or definitely not.
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That's sort of I want you just to look at that and reflect on
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that and then seek others to help you evaluate that if you
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need to. All right, with that being said,
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what are some things that we can do to to actually lessen the
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roller coaster ride in our relationship?
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If it feels like there is this extreme relationship between the
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reward and the harm, right? How can we lessen that cycle and
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certainly lessen the the harm side of it for sure.
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One of the things I think you can do is try to reduce the
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intensity of what's going on. So how can you talk to your
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partner about ways that you can communicate that can just lower
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the temperature. So instead of trying to, to, to
23:42
leave the relationship altogether or reduce the
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relationship, I, I need to move out or not spend time, whatever.
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How can you effectively come together with your partner and
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collaborate if they're willing to?
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Can we start lowering the intensity, lowering the
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emotional intensity in our communications?
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And so I would start by if it gets too intense, that maybe one
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of you has a code word, maybe you can say, you know, bananas
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to each other and that's a, that's a sign to take a break,
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to take a time out. There's nothing wrong with adult
24:17
times out time outs. And part of the value of that is
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if things start to get too intense, 1 is it can certainly
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trigger the trauma bond cycle that happens, whatever that
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looks like in your relationship. But two, and most importantly,
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if you become flooded, if you go into fight or flight, nothing
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that happens in the conversation in those moments are going to be
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productive. Nothing, because you're
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literally not working in the part of your brain that would
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allow you guys to be able to truly hear each other, integrate
24:48
the information, and be able to communicate to each other in a
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way that would facilitate any kind of repair.
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So there's nothing wrong with having a time out.
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So taking space between interactions, beginning to
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notice patterns between the two of you, breathing before
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responding to each other, writing instead of reacting.
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So I've heard what you said. I'm going to go and I'm going to
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text you a response or I'm going to write down a response and
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give you a note. I just need some time to process
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that. But I'm not walking away.
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I'm not shutting you out. I just need some time and I will
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formulate a response or I'll write it down and I'll come back
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and I'll read it for you. But anything that allows you to
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lower the intensity in the relationship, I think is going
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to be a good first step. If you guys do lower that
25:42
intensity, then you can come back to these seven different
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symptoms or signs, if you will. And you can go back and look at
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those and go, OK, have I effectively lessened the impact
25:54
of some of these? Are there still symptoms like
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what Tom's talking about still showing up even though we've
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reduced the intensity in our relationship?
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So trying to reduce the temperature of the conversations
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between the two of you is always a good place to start.
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If your partner's unwilling or thinks it's silly or dumb or
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doesn't want to do it, OK, that should tell you something about
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your partner and it should tell you something about your
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relationship right here and now. Don't excuse it, don't wish it
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away, don't say, well, I understand if or whatever.
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No, that tells you something about your relationship right
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here and right now. And so let yourself pay
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attention to that. If they agree, then you've got a
26:38
collaborative effort there and you guys can can Google some.
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You can go on to a ChatGPT and look for some, you know, ways to
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lower the intensity and, and communications with my partners
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or whatever. And you can certainly look at
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some of, of the things that I've just talked about here, but but
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that that would be a really good first step.
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I think another good first step is how can you begin to build
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more of a internal safety for yourself during the lower times
27:11
of the relationship, during that intermittent harm period,
27:14
whatever that feels like, whether your partner attacks you
27:18
with words and says awful, horrible things to you.
27:21
You know, it's, it's hard to be in a relationship for that long
27:24
and then not at some point internalize or believe some of
27:27
those things. So even if your partner is not
27:30
physically hurting you, they can very much do emotional damage
27:33
with words. And I don't want to minimize
27:35
that in any way. And so how can you build up more
27:38
to more of an internal sense of security and safety in yourself
27:43
until you decide that you need to take additional steps,
27:47
whatever those might might be? First of all, I'd tell yourself
27:51
I deserve safety in my relationship.
27:54
I deserve safety. Period, end of statement, That's
27:57
a full sentence. My feelings matter.
28:00
Period, end of statement, that's a full sentence.
28:04
Love doesn't require fear. Period, end of statement, full
28:08
sentence. These things are absolutes and I
28:11
will tell you, I don't care who you are, you deserve to be safe
28:14
in your relationship. Your feelings do matter and love
28:19
does not require fear. Love is about safety and it's
28:23
about security. So being able to try to figure
28:26
out how can you self soothe through those moments?
28:28
How can you try to really internalize those phrases that I
28:32
just talked about until you can make some other decisions of
28:36
what you might need in your relationship?
28:39
The last thing I want to talk about is if you do find that you
28:44
are in a trauma bonded relationship, that is going to
28:48
be really important for you to build an external network for
28:51
yourself. You need other people to know
28:55
what it's like to be in that relationship because trauma
29:00
bonds, they deepen when they're in isolation.
29:04
Secrets deepen when they're in isolation.
29:07
When you bring things out into the light, that's when the
29:10
healing can take take hold. And so I'm, I'm not saying that
29:16
you need to go talk about this to everybody, but if you don't
29:19
have a supportive network in your life, you need to build 1.
29:24
If it's a friend, a person, a therapist, a pastor, I don't
29:29
care who it is, reach out to somebody.
29:31
Let somebody know what it's like for you to be in this
29:35
relationship so that you begin to shine a light on what's
29:39
happening. As I said before, your nervous
29:42
system is building up almost like an addiction to this
29:45
person. And it will take others and it
29:48
will take a supportive network for you to be able to sort of
29:51
break that addiction. OK, I hope you found this
29:56
helpful today. I want to say again, if this was
29:59
triggering in any way, because I know that we're we're kind of
30:04
skirting the boundaries here of what what I hope a podcast can
30:08
do, which is to be helpful without re traumatizing.
30:13
This feels like today when we start talking about trauma
30:16
bonding, we start talking about physical and mental emotional
30:18
abuse. To me, it sort of gets along the
30:21
edge of where a podcast ends and real help needs to take place.
30:26
So if this was triggering to you in any way, please reach out.
30:29
Please feel free to get help. My name is Tom Phillip and I am
30:34
here to remind you to stay grounded, clear and connected.