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SMNTY Fiction: To Be So Alone · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stephane.
0:08
Speaker 1: Never told your prediction of I Heart Radio, and it's
0:18
Speaker 1: time for another fiction piece. I'm not sure how. I
0:23
Speaker 1: guess January just got all booked up, but this is
0:27
Speaker 1: happening in February. There was no fiction piece in January.
0:31
Speaker 1: Apologies if that upsets you, And as always, I only
0:37
Speaker 1: put this in here not because anyone has like thrown
0:41
Speaker 1: up a stink, as they say, but I know some
0:44
Speaker 1: people aren't super into like sound effects and fiction. This
0:48
Speaker 1: is a once a month thing. If it's not your thing,
0:51
Speaker 1: that's okay. It's not gonna overtake our content. We produce
0:56
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff we do. I just say we
0:58
Speaker 1: have five other options a week, so I think we're good. Also,
1:03
Speaker 1: I told you need to go watch Archive eighty one.
1:07
Speaker 1: I have heard this well. And the reason I say
1:09
Speaker 1: this is because I feel like, isn't I think that
1:12
Speaker 1: may be the first I've seen now, to be fair,
1:15
Speaker 1: that's probably others. But the first podcast we turned into
1:19
Speaker 1: a series, and my partner and I binged at all.
1:22
Speaker 1: We really did like it. I think this could be
1:24
Speaker 1: right up that alley. So these little tales of ours.
1:28
Speaker 1: I'm just saying I like these little tales of ours.
1:31
Speaker 1: I like of yours. But you know, I'm just saying,
1:35
Speaker 1: like that's things. Yeah, yeah, I numerous people have told
1:41
Speaker 1: me about Archive eighty one, which is based on a
1:43
Speaker 1: podcast I believe lour on Amazon Primes. The Lord doesn't.
1:47
Speaker 1: It's not the same though, so the lore is just
1:50
Speaker 1: essentially they're voicing over like, yeah, that's where Archive ad
1:55
Speaker 1: one is an actual, like fictionalized series where they aren't
2:01
Speaker 1: like there is a podcast character, which I do love,
2:03
Speaker 1: by the way, but it's not as red as a
2:07
Speaker 1: documentary or anything. It's literally a show show. Uh, found
2:11
Speaker 1: footage type of horror show. Yes, I really think you
2:15
Speaker 1: would like it. You need to watch it. I know
2:16
Speaker 1: you don't do series as much, but I think you
2:18
Speaker 1: should definitely take a try because they did a great
2:21
Speaker 1: job and the creator as a woman, and she took
2:24
Speaker 1: it from the podcast, and so oh no, I have
2:28
Speaker 1: I have great hopes for these fiction pieces. Okay, Oh
2:32
Speaker 1: I did get some. I got some contexts from probably
2:36
Speaker 1: cold call emails, but they were like, we noticed you're
2:40
Speaker 1: doing fiction on some now would you like to get
2:44
Speaker 1: an agent? And I was like, is this legit. I
2:46
Speaker 1: don't know, but yes, I are friend and co worker
2:51
Speaker 1: Ben Bowling from stuff they don't want you to know
2:54
Speaker 1: a bunch of other stuff. Yes, most importantly, Samantha's nemesis
3:00
Speaker 1: established this. Now he said it on his show, so
3:02
Speaker 1: I can say it on the show again. Oh yeah,
3:05
Speaker 1: behind this. He also said I should watch it, and
3:08
Speaker 1: I texted back and said, I, for one, I'm finally
3:10
Speaker 1: grateful to be able to well, actually that's not how
3:13
Speaker 1: podcasting works, because we've had a couple like we got
3:16
Speaker 1: Sexy City and actually, yeah, I'm like, oh I could Finally,
3:22
Speaker 1: there's like three times I I can do that in
3:25
Speaker 1: entertainment I've consumed, and that's I mean, that's looking up. Okay,
3:32
Speaker 1: I think so, although it does kind of blay into
3:35
Speaker 1: the joke that everybody has a podcast now. Alright, Well,
3:39
Speaker 1: this fiction piece in classics sminty fashion. As we're entering
3:45
Speaker 1: February and this month of of love of Valentine's a Day,
3:50
Speaker 1: I wanted to bring up this fiction piece that I
3:53
Speaker 1: wrote that is kind of a messed up romantic story.
3:58
Speaker 1: I would say it's very dysfunctional and unhealthy. Uh So,
4:05
Speaker 1: happy Valantine's Day, Everybody's day. However, I was discussing with
4:13
Speaker 1: Ben Bolin the other day and he was like, what
4:15
Speaker 1: fiction do you like to write? And I think I
4:18
Speaker 1: finally came to terms with as much as I have
4:20
Speaker 1: said I don't read or write romance, I think I
4:24
Speaker 1: kind of do. I think it's just not not what
4:31
Speaker 1: I would call like the romcan type, or it's not
4:33
Speaker 1: like the main thing, but I do. And this piece
4:38
Speaker 1: is kind of a it's messed up, but it's a
4:40
Speaker 1: little romance piece. Yes, Well, with this in mind, Samantha,
4:47
Speaker 1: I know we've talked before. You and I have shared
4:49
Speaker 1: a Valentine's Day together and it was a bit of
4:52
Speaker 1: a fiasco in Los Angeles right before that the pandemic
4:57
Speaker 1: really was known House of Yere. It was we had
5:01
Speaker 1: a Valentine's Day together. Have you ever had like a good,
5:05
Speaker 1: I don't know, romantic Valentine's Day one that was successful.
5:11
Speaker 1: The only thing I could think of was is I
5:14
Speaker 1: think it's like the fifth grade maybe trying to remember
5:17
Speaker 1: when this was maybe fourth grade, where I made sure
5:20
Speaker 1: to have a boyfriend at that point in time so
5:22
Speaker 1: that we can give each other gifts. I found some
5:25
Speaker 1: things like a little you know, those little hearts that split, yes,
5:30
Speaker 1: but there are pencils and there are erasers of the
5:32
Speaker 1: words split, so really like heart. I gave him one
5:35
Speaker 1: of those, and he got me a little teddy bear
5:38
Speaker 1: with a balloon that was delivered to me. This is
5:41
Speaker 1: the fourth grade, delivered to me as a big show.
5:45
Speaker 1: I was very excited. So there that that one, sure,
5:49
Speaker 1: And then I broke up with them two days later.
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Speaker 1: That's the way of those young romances, like this piece
5:58
Speaker 1: of candy you have two days later. Never mind, Okay,
6:04
Speaker 1: I don't think we're gonna work out here. It didn't
6:07
Speaker 1: I had. I think I told the story once. I
6:09
Speaker 1: had a really good one in high school, where nowadays
6:14
Speaker 1: I'm not so. I still have my moments, but I'm
6:17
Speaker 1: not so self conscious about being alone on Valentine's Day,
6:21
Speaker 1: but I used to be, and when I in high school,
6:23
Speaker 1: I was. And on this day, our school did this
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Speaker 1: thing where you could get there were two types of roses.
6:30
Speaker 1: You could buy, a white wine and red one, and
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Speaker 1: the red one was supposed to be like love, and
6:34
Speaker 1: the white one was like anonymous but kind of assumed
6:38
Speaker 1: to be friends. And my friends just went all out
6:41
Speaker 1: and sent me all of these roses like all the
6:44
Speaker 1: all throughout the day, I was just getting roses and
6:46
Speaker 1: roses and roses from anonymous, but it was and that
6:49
Speaker 1: was so sweet. And then I've had I've had a
6:53
Speaker 1: good share of like fun friend hangouts on Valentine's Day.
6:59
Speaker 1: As I said, I've dated a lot of dudes who
7:01
Speaker 1: were born on Valentine's Day. So that was weird because
7:03
Speaker 1: you kind of had to balanced the birthday and the
7:06
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day. But I did have a good one with
7:09
Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend, my most recent ex boyfriend, where he
7:13
Speaker 1: kind of surprised me. We said we weren't really going
7:15
Speaker 1: to do anything and we didn't, but he he wrote
7:19
Speaker 1: this like really nice letter um and got me a
7:23
Speaker 1: small gift, and I don't know, it was just very sweet.
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Speaker 1: There wasn't like expectation Like a lot of times there's
7:27
Speaker 1: this expectation with a lot of it that I dread,
7:32
Speaker 1: But that was just sweet that he did that. And
7:34
Speaker 1: then I had also gotten him a small thing and
7:37
Speaker 1: I liked to it was had a good day. Nice. Yeah. Yeah, Well,
7:43
Speaker 1: now that we've talked about those good experiences, no, no,
7:47
Speaker 1: let's talk about a terrible one and get into this
7:51
Speaker 1: fiction piece and then we'll come back after to discuss,
7:54
Speaker 1: But please enjoy. Most people spend their lives wondering how
8:10
Speaker 1: their lives will end. I don't. I know exactly how
8:17
Speaker 1: I die. It's her, the one I created. Of all
8:24
Speaker 1: the threats I've faced in my life, all of the
8:27
Speaker 1: nightmares I've seen, she it's what keeps me up at night.
8:33
Speaker 1: She's what haunts me. I have never feared anything like
8:39
Speaker 1: I fear her. And after what I've done to her,
8:44
Speaker 1: the role I've played in her creation, I have no
8:47
Speaker 1: doubt in my mind she will be the one that
8:50
Speaker 1: kills me. She's my grim reaper waiting at the door.
8:56
Speaker 1: After all, what would I do if I was her?
8:59
Speaker 1: Would I forget? Of forget? No? No, I wouldn't. And
9:05
Speaker 1: that's what terrifies me. When we made her and all
9:10
Speaker 1: of our Hebrews, our goal was to make something malleable, weapon,
9:15
Speaker 1: lacking in what fundamentally makes us human, less than We failed,
9:23
Speaker 1: Perhaps more than any of us have ever realized. She
9:28
Speaker 1: was more than any of us. We made a mistake.
9:33
Speaker 1: Trying to play god. We created something out of our
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Speaker 1: power to control, something we weren't ready for. We tried
9:45
Speaker 1: to terminate her, labeling her or failed experiment. It wasn't fair,
9:53
Speaker 1: but it was the only way. That's how we justified
9:57
Speaker 1: it to ourselves. Anyway. We failed in that attempt to
10:03
Speaker 1: But she hasn't forgotten. She hasn't forgiven. One by one.
10:10
Speaker 1: She's executed us all involved in her creation and subsequent
10:15
Speaker 1: experimentation Shadow in the Night. We called it experimentation. We
10:24
Speaker 1: were a scientist, she wasn't human, she was something something else.
10:34
Speaker 1: But it was torture. Yeah. We took her blood against
10:40
Speaker 1: her will. For years, we imprisoned her, monitored her. She
10:44
Speaker 1: grew more powerful, She could do things things we'd never imagined.
10:52
Speaker 1: Being around her, it was immediately apparent that something was
10:58
Speaker 1: off about her, despite fact she's looked perfectly normal, if
11:04
Speaker 1: not blurred around the edges, like she was vibrating outside
11:10
Speaker 1: the spectrum of what the human eye can interpret. She
11:14
Speaker 1: made your hair stand up, as though a predator was
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Speaker 1: stalking you. She'd smile this cold smile and look away
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Speaker 1: from you, seeing something you couldn't, and look back, her
11:29
Speaker 1: eyes piercing in a way that was terribly unsettling. I
11:35
Speaker 1: was tasked with the psych evaluations every day, sometimes twice
11:39
Speaker 1: a day. I got to know her the scientist did
11:45
Speaker 1: me marveled that she would have personality at all. She'd
11:49
Speaker 1: never left the glass cage. We imprisoned her in her
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Speaker 1: field of vision, all white, only occasionally stamed Crimson with
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Speaker 1: her own blood. She totally interacted with project members, most
12:01
Speaker 1: of whom only brought pain, but she was surprisingly full,
12:06
Speaker 1: alternately angry and kind and funny and manipulative and terrifying.
12:12
Speaker 1: The project name was Genesis, so that's what we called her.
12:18
Speaker 1: She insisted on it in our interviews, and since I
12:20
Speaker 1: wanted her to answer my questions, I acquiesced. I remember
12:27
Speaker 1: the day I realized, as tense as these meetings often were,
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Speaker 1: I looked forward to them, I liked Genesis. This was
12:38
Speaker 1: not a good realization to have. It made sense. I
12:43
Speaker 1: con sold myself, but still I felt shame, as though
12:48
Speaker 1: I tarnished my scientific integrity, so I kept this to myself.
12:54
Speaker 1: It made watching how we treated her all the more difficult.
13:00
Speaker 1: Once some higher up government officials with top security clearances
13:04
Speaker 1: came to see the progress we were making, they observed
13:08
Speaker 1: one of my evaluations. Towering behind me, spines ramrod straight
13:13
Speaker 1: frowns on their faces. Disapproval clear. Jenesis certainly didn't look
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Speaker 1: the picture of a super soldier, even when answering my questions,
13:24
Speaker 1: even when I requested, she looked at me, Genesis kept
13:27
Speaker 1: her unnerving eyes fixed on them through the glass. Abruptly,
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Speaker 1: she stood, and I jumped back, and she started laughing,
13:35
Speaker 1: a wild, unhinged sound that immediately brought goose bumps to
13:40
Speaker 1: my skin, my blood like ice in my veins. Sometimes
13:45
Speaker 1: I can still hear that laugh. I've never been so
13:49
Speaker 1: scared of my life. She stopped, just as abruptly as
13:54
Speaker 1: she started. A beat of silence passed all of us
13:57
Speaker 1: watching her the moment, unpredictable and practically alive. Fear you feel, fear,
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Speaker 1: so afraid of what you've done, of what you've created.
14:12
Speaker 1: She smiled, the declaration brimming with danger and dark confidence.
14:19
Speaker 1: She reveled in the fear, fast in it. She grew
14:23
Speaker 1: more powerful in front of our eyes, energized by the
14:25
Speaker 1: fear we held for her, And in that moment, I
14:28
Speaker 1: felt like we were at her mercy, not the other
14:31
Speaker 1: way around. It wasn't long after she was deemed too unstable, uncontrollable.
14:40
Speaker 1: We were ordered to salvage what we could and terminate
14:43
Speaker 1: her and murder her. It ate at my stomach, corrosive gnawing,
14:51
Speaker 1: keeping me awake at night. I kept seeing her face
14:55
Speaker 1: staring at me, silent, that small, cold, knowing smile on
15:00
Speaker 1: her face. I knew her better than anyone, so no
15:05
Speaker 1: one had told her about her pending execution. She knew Genesis,
15:11
Speaker 1: knew we were planning on ending the experiment, on ending
15:15
Speaker 1: her life, and she just smiled at me, patient and afraid.
15:25
Speaker 1: I had one final session with her, one that felt
15:29
Speaker 1: more like I was interrogating myself her very existence, asking
15:33
Speaker 1: me a question, demanding answers. Terror pumped through me, and
15:40
Speaker 1: I crumpled under her steady, watchful gaze. What a waste?
15:48
Speaker 1: What right did we have to kill such a majestic
15:51
Speaker 1: being because she was more than us, because we were afraid?
15:57
Speaker 1: Did responsibility call for us to kill her or to
16:00
Speaker 1: protect her, to set her free? There were so many
16:07
Speaker 1: words I wanted to say, but they all caught in
16:09
Speaker 1: my throat. I loved her, I realized, with the detached
16:14
Speaker 1: air of a scientist making an observation. But there was
16:18
Speaker 1: nothing I could do. She would die in this world
16:23
Speaker 1: would be safer but lesser without her. That's what I
16:29
Speaker 1: The day before her scheduled execution. She escaped, vanished, almost
16:36
Speaker 1: as though she'd been waiting, as though she wanted to
16:38
Speaker 1: pass judgment on everyone before she left, to get the
16:41
Speaker 1: size of us discern if there was anyone she would spare.
16:47
Speaker 1: The answer she arrived at was apparently no one. In
16:53
Speaker 1: the weeks after she escaped, she left the corpses of
16:55
Speaker 1: Project members in her wake. Bodies violently want to part,
17:01
Speaker 1: eyes wide. I'm seeing with terror the last thing they saw,
17:07
Speaker 1: that of the vengeful being of their creation. Creation is
17:12
Speaker 1: an act of destruction. As they say, she left no sign,
17:17
Speaker 1: but I knew it was her annihilating us. It was strange.
17:25
Speaker 1: I lived in fear, waiting for my term an unwilling
17:28
Speaker 1: member of a death pack to all of us connected
17:31
Speaker 1: by what we've done. I also wanted to see her again,
17:37
Speaker 1: just one more time, even if it meant my life
17:42
Speaker 1: was over. The guilts ate away at me, almost a
17:46
Speaker 1: presence in and of itself, pressing down on my shoulders.
17:50
Speaker 1: Sometimes I say her name at night when I can't sleep.
17:53
Speaker 1: I whisper it in the dark like a prayer, hoping
17:59
Speaker 1: she'll hear me. Genesis, Genesis, Genesis. I think about that
18:08
Speaker 1: last interview often all the things I wish I had said,
18:13
Speaker 1: I wish I had told her how much she meant
18:15
Speaker 1: in all of her falls. Because of them. She was beautiful,
18:21
Speaker 1: truly magnificent, so full of life, of anger, of hate,
18:29
Speaker 1: of love, so so much, not because we made her
18:34
Speaker 1: that way, but in spite of us. A lot of
18:37
Speaker 1: her was dark and messy. I don't deny it, but
18:41
Speaker 1: I loved her. I loved her. It doesn't make sense,
18:47
Speaker 1: None of this makes sense. I loved her anyway. Trying
18:53
Speaker 1: to reach her was like trying to reach someone on
18:55
Speaker 1: the other side of her vine. Even when she was
18:58
Speaker 1: right next to me in an entire universe separated us,
19:01
Speaker 1: forcing me to shout shouts, swallowed and devouring silence. She
19:06
Speaker 1: was standing next to me in world's away. There was
19:10
Speaker 1: a strength she had that I will never know. I'm
19:13
Speaker 1: not sure I want to, because hers came with a
19:16
Speaker 1: self destructive bent that is devastating in its dominance. She's
19:20
Speaker 1: the most powerful being in existence, but a shadow in
19:23
Speaker 1: the face of our own self hatred. Self hatred we cultivated.
19:29
Speaker 1: She was hated, but she was loved. We abused her,
19:33
Speaker 1: but I loved her. I don't know why we mistreat
19:37
Speaker 1: the ones we care about. Perhaps none of us are worthy,
19:42
Speaker 1: but she was the one who could not bear that
19:45
Speaker 1: it didn't square for her. She was more than I
19:50
Speaker 1: could have ever hoped for, more than I could have
19:53
Speaker 1: ever imagined. I want to scream until my lungs burst
19:58
Speaker 1: and punch a wall until my uncle's break. All of
20:02
Speaker 1: this is endless. She's the mother of the new era.
20:08
Speaker 1: The end of our current one is of our own manufacturing,
20:12
Speaker 1: our creation both through our original sin and are continued
20:19
Speaker 1: unintentional molding. We were observing her, but she was also
20:24
Speaker 1: observing us. We did not deserve mercy in her eyes.
20:32
Speaker 1: We did not create a marciful god, but a vengeful one.
20:39
Speaker 1: Now I wait for my turn for the one I
20:41
Speaker 1: love to kill me a poetic and one a morbid
20:46
Speaker 1: part of me eagerly awaits, since she'll come for me,
20:52
Speaker 1: and one day she'll come for you. That brings us
21:19
Speaker 1: to the end of this fiction. As usual. I just
21:23
Speaker 1: really like going over the top. I really love I
21:27
Speaker 1: love like over dramatic. I like I know you and
21:31
Speaker 1: I have talked about this, and we kind of bonded
21:33
Speaker 1: over this. I like a good line, you know what
21:35
Speaker 1: I mean. Like a good line or a good title,
21:38
Speaker 1: and maybe that's the only thing that's the standing up,
21:42
Speaker 1: but I love it. So this one, I really liked
21:45
Speaker 1: the idea of somebody waiting, like knowing this is how
21:50
Speaker 1: I'm going to die, and waiting for that piece, but
21:53
Speaker 1: being in love with this person that's going to kill them. Yes,
21:56
Speaker 1: it's very unhealthy and very dysfunctional, but also like I
21:59
Speaker 1: have and a lot of things like this, And I
22:01
Speaker 1: know this is a piece of criticism, especially when it
22:03
Speaker 1: comes to women characters of sort of the scientist or
22:07
Speaker 1: journalist or what have you. Character that's telling the story,
22:12
Speaker 1: who is a woman, who is people think portrayed? It
22:17
Speaker 1: is like more emotional, it becomes in love with their subject.
22:22
Speaker 1: I have thought about that a lot, because, as I said,
22:25
Speaker 1: I do write things like this kind of frequently. I
22:28
Speaker 1: see the criticism, but I'm also kind of like, I
22:31
Speaker 1: feel like male characters do that a lot too, but
22:34
Speaker 1: perhaps we just don't see the verse. I do appreciate
22:38
Speaker 1: that is a not great exercising of professionalism at your job,
22:45
Speaker 1: but I don't know. I've just been thinking about that
22:48
Speaker 1: because I have seen that criticism. I do think it's
22:50
Speaker 1: a fair criticism, but I think there's also more more
22:55
Speaker 1: to it than that. And I know also when it
22:58
Speaker 1: comes to this piece has one of my favorite anti
23:02
Speaker 1: heroines I've ever written, and she's kind of expounded. Hopefully
23:05
Speaker 1: we'll get to those fictional pieces one day, but I
23:07
Speaker 1: think we could really talk about the anti heroine and
23:10
Speaker 1: how she's viewed to the anti hero, like compared to
23:14
Speaker 1: the anti hero. As I said when we were talking
23:16
Speaker 1: about Revenge, I think it's in an episode coming up,
23:20
Speaker 1: but maybe you've already heard it. We're revisited the Last
23:22
Speaker 1: of Us two again. I just feel like we're much
23:26
Speaker 1: more ready to root for an anti hero, like a
23:29
Speaker 1: male anti hero than a female one. Um, I think
23:33
Speaker 1: we're much more ready to punish or just like not
23:37
Speaker 1: even get behind. I don't even know if punishes the
23:40
Speaker 1: right word, but like, I don't like what she's doing
23:45
Speaker 1: compared to like male characters where we're like, oh, yeah,
23:49
Speaker 1: what's his name from Breaking Bad? You go get him?
23:51
Speaker 1: He's the words. I don't know. I think we should
23:54
Speaker 1: come back and revisit that. Yes, Well, in the meantime,
24:00
Speaker 1: Happy Valentine's Day. If you're celebrating anti Valentine's Day, how
24:04
Speaker 1: about thee yea happy. Whatever you're celebrating or not celebrating,
24:09
Speaker 1: We hope you enjoyed this fiction piece. If you have
24:14
Speaker 1: any suggestions or ideas for things that we could try
24:18
Speaker 1: on the show or topics we should cover, please let
24:21
Speaker 1: us know. You can emails at Stuff Media, mom Stuff
24:23
Speaker 1: at iHeart media dot com. You can find us on
24:25
Speaker 1: Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or Instagram. Stuff I Never
24:27
Speaker 1: Told You. Thanks. It's always to our super producer Christina,
24:31
Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening Stuff I
24:34
Speaker 1: Never Told You the protection of I Heart Radio. For
24:36
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