Latest / Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash / #218 Gen Muir "The Oracle" is back!

Transcript

#218 Gen Muir "The Oracle" is back! · Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash

• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Kiss what mattuh, you got a new car?
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: The oracle is she's back.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Baby.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: You asked and we delivered.
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: And if you're wondering who is the oracle, her name
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: happens to be the one, the only, Jen Muer.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: In a time where your relationship with your kids really matters,
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: one woman the oracle, really, Jen Mule.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: You're really channeling the ash that used to smash a
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: pack of when he blues a day.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: When he ran bossy.
• 0:47
  Speaker 4: Let's see it.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Jenny's back the oracle. We were due for some wisdom,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: let's be asked.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Yes, we were running low on the matter of wisdom
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: in our lives, and here she is to boost it
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: back up. And we're talking about how we can have
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: the mid term slump and how to actually set and
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: hold boundaries, how do I discipline my children.
• 1:06
  Speaker 5: She also helps us understand different stages of dysregulation. That's
• 1:10
  Speaker 5: a big word for me, so we can jump in
• 1:16
  Speaker 5: before it reaches death.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Gone five.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: It's another brilliant chat with our favorite parenting expert. We
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: wish we could have her on twenty four seven, but
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: we can't, So make sure you savor every second of
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: this chat.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Enjoy, yes, enjoy very muchly.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to two doting dads and one doting mum.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I am Madi j I'm ash and I can't even
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: tell you the instructions.
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: I'm so sorry, so great. I just thought you like, yeah.
• 1:43
  Speaker 6: I just jumped in quick. I just thought we were
• 1:48
  Speaker 6: all introducing ourselves.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Yes, that was normally when I give those instructions.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: That was seamless.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: You've done this before.
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: Welcome back, though, thank you for having me back.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Nice to have you. We've been thinking about you a lot.
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: That's good before I continue.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: it is bad, and we don't give advice.
• 2:10
  Speaker 5: But gender well, yeah, you're the one person who's allowed to.
• 2:14
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I like that, you know what, And not that I
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: want to attack our listeners here.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: That's because we love them. We love them.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: If you're listening right now, I love you. But we said,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: do you want more experts on the podcast or do
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: you just want some funny stories? And they're like, we
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: just want the funny stories.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: And I was like, loud and clear, we did an
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: episode with yourself and they all were like, give us more.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: Like you two get lost.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: It was like someone saying I don't like chili food,
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: and they get like a chili conkhane and they're like.
• 2:46
  Speaker 5: Yeah, whatever been missing out on my whole life bucket of.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: That right now?
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: It was it was just like is she back next week?
• 2:54
  Speaker 6: God?
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: No, but soon.
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: I love that. That's nice to hear.
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: It is good to have you back.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Yes, thank you. I want to talk about school, Okay.
• 3:03
  Speaker 5: I have one that goes to big school as we
• 3:05
  Speaker 5: call it, and the other one goes to preschool, and
• 3:07
  Speaker 5: they're both sort of at a stage where they're enjoying
• 3:11
  Speaker 5: coming home from school, but then the thought of going
• 3:13
  Speaker 5: back to school the next day is like.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: I don't want to go. I don't like it.
• 3:19
  Speaker 5: And it's sort of gets to the point where I've
• 3:20
  Speaker 5: reen out of excuses why they've got to go. Is
• 3:24
  Speaker 5: there anything that I can do to try and help
• 3:27
  Speaker 5: us and them get over the midterms slump?
• 3:31
  Speaker 6: Yeah, or any slump with school. The first thing we
• 3:33
  Speaker 6: want to do is accept that going to school or
• 3:37
  Speaker 6: preschool or daycare involves a really significant process for our kids.
• 3:42
  Speaker 6: And it's not about school. It's about saying goodbye to us.
• 3:46
  Speaker 6: So for our kids, believe it or not, you are
• 3:48
  Speaker 6: the sun at the moon the stars in the universe
• 3:51
  Speaker 6: for approximately fourteen and a half years, and in that time,
• 3:55
  Speaker 6: the process of saying bye to you, their safe based
• 3:58
  Speaker 6: their world at the gate is super hardh But that
• 4:00
  Speaker 6: doesn't mean they don't love school. That doesn't mean they
• 4:04
  Speaker 6: don't love preschool. So often what we're confusing with some
• 4:07
  Speaker 6: of these transitions with our kids is what it's actually about.
• 4:10
  Speaker 6: So when kids say I don't want to go to bed,
• 4:12
  Speaker 6: it's not that they don't love sleeping. It's that saying
• 4:14
  Speaker 6: goodbye to us for however many hours you get without
• 4:17
  Speaker 6: them three seven, yeah, is really really hard for kids,
• 4:23
  Speaker 6: and that process of kind of being that person doing
• 4:26
  Speaker 6: that transition.
• 4:27
  Speaker 4: Into the outside world is super hot.
• 4:29
  Speaker 6: Having said that, once we can accept they're not meant
• 4:32
  Speaker 6: to find that goodbye super easy, that while they're young,
• 4:35
  Speaker 6: saying goodbye to us will be hard for some kids
• 4:38
  Speaker 6: particularly and in some stages. Once we accept that, there
• 4:41
  Speaker 6: is so much you can actually do to help your
• 4:43
  Speaker 6: kids with transition to school.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about Maley right now, you said fourteen
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: and a half years, right now, Marley, do you want
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: to walk you in?
• 4:49
  Speaker 4: And she's like, fuck, she's already a tween and it's
• 4:55
  Speaker 4: like five or.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: Seven, Yeah, come back to me.
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: So she's in you one yeah.
• 5:00
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 5:00
  Speaker 4: So here is what I would do.
• 5:03
  Speaker 6: I would first of all, for all houses with kids
• 5:07
  Speaker 6: in primary school, having a visual whiteboard that shows the
• 5:10
  Speaker 6: days of the week and what happens is super useful.
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: And one of the reasons.
• 5:14
  Speaker 6: For this is that the day before school, you might
• 5:18
  Speaker 6: at four pm, at six pm, while you're having dinner,
• 5:20
  Speaker 6: you go, tomorrow's a Tuesday, and so Dad takes you
• 5:23
  Speaker 6: in the red car and you got pe. Now, what
• 5:26
  Speaker 6: we're doing is just sort of talking about what's happening,
• 5:28
  Speaker 6: but it gives our kids' brains a chance to kind
• 5:31
  Speaker 6: of feel the feelings of that separation outside of the moment.
• 5:34
  Speaker 6: It is incredibly powerful from a neuroscience perspective because it
• 5:39
  Speaker 6: gives them that chance to even feel that feeling of
• 5:41
  Speaker 6: They may say I don't want to go and you
• 5:43
  Speaker 6: get to say, I know.
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: It's really tough to go to school. I get it.
• 5:47
  Speaker 4: Some days I don't want to go to work either.
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: I know what that's like.
• 5:51
  Speaker 6: So we're offering empathy. We're allowing them to practice feeling
• 5:53
  Speaker 6: the feeling. Then in the actual moment. Here are my
• 5:57
  Speaker 6: tips because in the moment, we're actually out of that zone.
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: So we've done our prep.
• 6:01
  Speaker 6: In the moment, it is all about get really really
• 6:04
  Speaker 6: close to your kids. You want to touch them on
• 6:07
  Speaker 6: the shoulder, you want to acknowledge what they're doing. So
• 6:09
  Speaker 6: for my kids, I've got an nine year old and
• 6:12
  Speaker 6: eleven year old. If I walk in their room and
• 6:14
  Speaker 6: just say, hey, guys, well let's school. Everybody, get grab
• 6:16
  Speaker 6: your bags, we got to go, nothing gets done. Nothing
• 6:19
  Speaker 6: that either everyone has a hearing deficit suddenly, or suddenly
• 6:23
  Speaker 6: people are.
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: Going no, my god, my foothurts. Whatever it is right.
• 6:29
  Speaker 6: If I come in, I rub their shoulders. This is
• 6:31
  Speaker 6: the magic bit. You rub their shoulders and then you
• 6:34
  Speaker 6: go wow, oh my gosh, look at this incredible lego build,
• 6:37
  Speaker 6: which is actually just a disastrous mess that's all.
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: Over their floor, but look at this amazing lego.
• 6:42
  Speaker 6: And then you kind of pause and go, Okay, it's
• 6:44
  Speaker 6: time to get to school. We've got to get going now.
• 6:46
  Speaker 6: Shoes on, and nine times out of ten, just by
• 6:49
  Speaker 6: touching and connecting first, kids will move, especially if you whisper.
• 6:54
  Speaker 6: So that's what we're doing in the moment. However, if
• 6:57
  Speaker 6: someone has very young kids, sometimes they're still going to
• 6:59
  Speaker 6: go I don't want to go, like I don't want
• 7:01
  Speaker 6: to go, And then I would take charge.
• 7:04
  Speaker 4: I would say, I get it. You don't want to go.
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: I'm going to help you to the car. I'm going
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: to put you in. I'm gonna strap you in.
• 7:10
  Speaker 6: The one thing you don't want to do is try
• 7:12
  Speaker 6: to make it better, like I think as parents, we're
• 7:14
  Speaker 6: trying to go.
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: But you love it at school. But your best friend Connor,
• 7:20
  Speaker 4: but it missed that on Kraft.
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: The one you don't want to be doing is what
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: you're doing right now.
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: You love it, We'll.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: All love it.
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: What about harmony days?
• 7:32
  Speaker 5: Every day can't be harmony day to go to a
• 7:34
  Speaker 5: school has an orange uniform.
• 7:37
  Speaker 6: When we do that, our kids are like, you're not
• 7:39
  Speaker 6: hearing me, You're not hearing me. You're not hearing me.
• 7:41
  Speaker 6: One of the most powerful things I think I've ever
• 7:43
  Speaker 6: done with my four kids. So my youngest is sent
• 7:45
  Speaker 6: to Earth to test everything I talked to parents about. Right.
• 7:47
  Speaker 6: He is a strong willed individual. And what I used
• 7:51
  Speaker 6: to do, he used to not want to go to
• 7:52
  Speaker 6: preschool and not want to go to preschool, and despite
• 7:54
  Speaker 6: me doing all this stuff, he's still thrashing and screaming
• 7:56
  Speaker 6: in the van on the way there.
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: So this is the reality.
• 7:59
  Speaker 6: And every time I got to the KU car park,
• 8:02
  Speaker 6: i'd open the van door. I'd get id to eye
• 8:04
  Speaker 6: with my kid, and that's the moment to really nail this,
• 8:07
  Speaker 6: and I would just stop and I'd open my palms
• 8:10
  Speaker 6: because opening your palms, kids can take in.
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: More of what you say. With the palms open.
• 8:14
  Speaker 6: Then kind of what you say in your words when
• 8:16
  Speaker 6: they're like three or four and they're crying, and I
• 8:18
  Speaker 6: would just say.
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: You really don't want to go to school today.
• 8:22
  Speaker 6: I get it, And then you just pause and then
• 8:24
  Speaker 6: there's a silence, and then we'd have a big hug.
• 8:28
  Speaker 6: And then he would go in and I'm not saying
• 8:30
  Speaker 6: he skipped in, but he was not hanging off the
• 8:33
  Speaker 6: you know, the dry cleaning rack in.
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: The car being pried off like an octopus.
• 8:36
  Speaker 6: He would kind of go in, like, Yes, it's so
• 8:38
  Speaker 6: much easier because our kids just like us. When we
• 8:42
  Speaker 6: can let them know, hey, I hear you, I get
• 8:43
  Speaker 6: that this is hard. We still set the boundary. Whereas
• 8:47
  Speaker 6: if we're saying, but you love it, it's going to
• 8:48
  Speaker 6: be great. It's going to be fine, They're like, you're
• 8:50
  Speaker 6: not hearing me, and so we get stuck.
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:53
  Speaker 5: I watched the two parents and their daughter the other
• 8:56
  Speaker 5: day going to walk down the school track, which would
• 8:59
  Speaker 5: close to the end of turn.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: She was obviously in KINDI was first year, was still.
• 9:02
  Speaker 5: It just broke my heart because that kid was still
• 9:04
  Speaker 5: and you could see both parents were both trying to
• 9:07
  Speaker 5: comfort her and validate her, but also as well they
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: were in public as well.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: I just felt the worst, isn't.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: It, except when it's not your kid, and you just know.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: With Lola, I'm like, the calendar would be good, but
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: at the same time, sometimes ignorance is bliss. But at
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: the moment she's always like, what day is it? They go,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: there's a song, it's Monday, and this Tuesday. There's Wednesday,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: and Thursday, this Friday and Saturday, and then the Sunday
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: days of the week I do familiar and it's like Friday,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: we have to sing the whole song to get the Friday.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: And then she has these realizations on Sunday where like
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: she'll sometimes say it on a Saturday and go hang
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: on a second, as we've had a couple of three
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: days having too much fun Sunday nights when she realizes
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: that she has to go to school and then she
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: also has to have after school care and that Monday
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: as well, the double whammy.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: Oh my gosh. She has much big emotions.
• 10:02
  Speaker 6: So sometimes just the more we can prep their brains.
• 10:05
  Speaker 6: So we want to show them on a calendar or
• 10:08
  Speaker 6: show them a picture, depending on how well they are,
• 10:09
  Speaker 6: this is what's coming. I get that it might be hard,
• 10:12
  Speaker 6: and then this is the really cool thing we can
• 10:13
  Speaker 6: add to that conversation. I wonder what we can do
• 10:17
  Speaker 6: tomorrow on Monday to help with the drop off to school,
• 10:20
  Speaker 6: because I know it can be really tough.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: I tried that and she's like, not go, She's like
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: to give me an I've hard.
• 10:32
  Speaker 6: So when my youngest was in KINDI, he had a
• 10:35
  Speaker 6: lot of trouble adjusting.
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: Same kid. It's always the same kid. All my stories
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: of the same.
• 10:39
  Speaker 6: Kid, and he would literally be clinging onto the gates
• 10:43
  Speaker 6: at handoff so hard. And you know, on top of this,
• 10:46
  Speaker 6: I'm like a parent educator, so I feel like not
• 10:48
  Speaker 6: only a parent staring, but they're going it's not really.
• 10:50
  Speaker 7: Working so well for it, like dogal judgment, like a
• 10:55
  Speaker 7: pt and struggling at the gym for champion I know about.
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: I'm like, no, I'm modeling for you.
• 11:04
  Speaker 6: This is how it's meant to be. He's screaming at
• 11:07
  Speaker 6: the gates. And so I sat him down my day
• 11:09
  Speaker 6: and I was at my wits end, and I just said,
• 11:11
  Speaker 6: I get it. It's really hard to go to school,
• 11:13
  Speaker 6: really hard. I wonder what we can do to make
• 11:15
  Speaker 6: it a bit easier. And he actually said, if I
• 11:19
  Speaker 6: could carry my sonic toy to the gate and hand
• 11:22
  Speaker 6: it to you, and then you could take it.
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: And put it in my bed, And I'm like, mate,
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: like done.
• 11:29
  Speaker 6: So we did that for two weeks and I would
• 11:31
  Speaker 6: walk away with this giant sonic toy in my hand
• 11:33
  Speaker 6: to go get my coffee.
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: And after two weeks he didn't need it anymore.
• 11:37
  Speaker 6: So, if you can come up with something that speaks
• 11:40
  Speaker 6: to her sometimes, an object that she really loves, something
• 11:44
  Speaker 6: magical that could sit in her bag and she could
• 11:47
  Speaker 6: check on it. Kids love that, like something that just
• 11:49
  Speaker 6: gives you that little bit of a boost while you're away.
• 11:51
  Speaker 6: Maybe the iPad.
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: Kidding, that's not what I would do.
• 12:00
  Speaker 5: Yeah, we put Macy when she's feeling like it might
• 12:03
  Speaker 5: be a case that Similarly, she wants to take her
• 12:06
  Speaker 5: Pokemon toy or whatever, but she wants to make sure
• 12:09
  Speaker 5: it sits in her car seat for the day.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, but it's not me who picks her up. And
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: then she's sad when she gets picked up, and I'm like,
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: what am I going to do?
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: So also when you come back and pick her up
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: and it's died in the car, because don't leave your
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: toys in the car, tell me if this is right
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: or wrong? Okay, And I'm going to throw my mum
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: under the bus.
• 12:27
  Speaker 6: Oh, your beautiful mom who lives with us.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: So the way that we're getting ready in the mornings
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: is that obviously I was doing a lot of the
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: begging and the pleating, and then I didn't really have
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: set guidelines.
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: I kind of had this rule that if you guys
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: are really well.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Behaved, then I will allow you to go via the
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: cafe a mini little chocolate Rouglar, which is the chocolate croissant.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: The girls love it. Chocolate Ruglar.
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: Guys are very fancy.
• 12:57
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I know, Jesus, that's.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: There that there's two ashes in the room right now.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: It must be nice.
• 13:09
  Speaker 5: I don't want those baby and.
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: Chocolate barkling mortar.
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: So we stopped via the fish markets and we pick
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: up some cave on.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: The loves refreshed, still moving, all right, all right guys, okay.
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: So you bribe your kid with a cross on said,
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: damn it, Yeah.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: You don't help yourself.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: Are we all getting googlers in the mine? Never heard
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: of it?
• 13:39
  Speaker 6: Never?
• 13:40
  Speaker 5: We still have toast over here, bro, what's that?
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: I hope.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: I'm not trying to hurt my children.
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: Just get a bit of.
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: Keep going going, don't give up.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: So then it was always hard when there wasn't like
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: a set thing that they had done wrong.
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: It was more kind of based on my vibe.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: I was like, do you know what, fuck it, no
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: cafe today, and the kids would be like, what do
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: you mean?
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: They were not doing the right thing.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: It was just a nightmare because then we're also halfway
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: through the morning routine. It'll derail because there's no point
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: trying to get ready because we're not going to get
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: the rugular.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: So then my mom was like, let's do a rewards chart. Yeah.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: So on the rewards chart, it's very simple. We have
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: one for each day of the week and we have
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: to just say to them what is next?
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: On the list, and they were given.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: An instruction of how it works. But there's get breakfast,
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: get dressed, brush your teeth, put your shoes on, get
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: your bag ready.
• 14:46
  Speaker 4: So they've got to do all those things for a rugular.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: For a start, and if they get the star, they
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: then get the rugular.
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 14:53
  Speaker 8: The guy who invented Ruber was like, oh my god,
• 14:54
  Speaker 8: they're talking about Oh my goodness, it's been one hundred
• 14:59
  Speaker 8: and fifty long year. I have finally someone mentioned.
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: I wish I had some rigglarst's up. Let's go.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: So so I just remember I could be wrong here.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: I remember someone saying those charts for the things that
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: should be doing anyway.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: Shouldn't be rewarded.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Kids.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: Is this chart?
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Is it the right thing? Is it the wrong thing?
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Should I lose the chart? Should I kick Nana out.
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: Of the house?
• 15:30
  Speaker 6: I want to ask you, We're not kicking Nana out, okay,
• 15:35
  Speaker 6: unless she wants to coming to live with me and
• 15:36
  Speaker 6: then we can kick her out.
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: Okay. So first of all, is it working?
• 15:41
  Speaker 7: Does it work?
• 15:42
  Speaker 4: Does it feel? Tell me the truth?
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: My mom said from her experience, she goes, these charts
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: only work for three weeks.
• 15:53
  Speaker 6: There you go boom, and she said, and yeah, she's Oh,
• 16:00
  Speaker 6: she's just spoken gospel.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: So at the moment, the girls are running out of
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: bed and they're running to breakfast because they're so excited
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: to tick off each of their tasks and then get
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: their rugular. And my moment is very much managing my expectations.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: So I said, regalar twelve times. Now, oh, she said,
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: just know that the shine will wear off.
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: Yes, I love your mum.
• 16:21
  Speaker 6: So look the thing about modern parenting, right, we're told, like,
• 16:24
  Speaker 6: don't bribe your kids, they'll get stuck on in extingsic
• 16:27
  Speaker 6: motivation and they'll never be able to get a job,
• 16:30
  Speaker 6: don't rush your kids because they'll get anxious, like.
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: All of that stuff.
• 16:34
  Speaker 6: Right, we get so caught up and we can't even
• 16:36
  Speaker 6: remember what's okay or not anymore.
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: And here's the bottom line.
• 16:39
  Speaker 6: It's all okay, Like it's you know, short of you know,
• 16:42
  Speaker 6: hurting your children.
• 16:43
  Speaker 4: This is okay? Is it effective? Very short term?
• 16:47
  Speaker 6: So your mum is right, you've got three weeks if that,
• 16:50
  Speaker 6: I reckon the reality is in terms of all of
• 16:53
  Speaker 6: the things you've ever heard of to get kids to
• 16:55
  Speaker 6: do stuff.
• 16:55
  Speaker 4: So what are our options? We've got the stick.
• 16:57
  Speaker 6: We can threshen, we can put, we can have consequences,
• 17:01
  Speaker 6: we can send kids to their room.
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: We can like all of that stuff. We've got the carrot.
• 17:05
  Speaker 6: We can have star charts, rewards, we can beg we
• 17:08
  Speaker 6: can bribe. We complete now, old school parenting, most of
• 17:11
  Speaker 6: us got raised with more of the stick.
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: Modern parents we're using a lot of those reward charts.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 17:16
  Speaker 6: Who doesn't have a reward chart on the fridge with
• 17:18
  Speaker 6: a fresh little star and rugular brides to.
• 17:20
  Speaker 4: Get them through the day. We don't, you don't, well,
• 17:24
  Speaker 4: you know.
• 17:24
  Speaker 6: Good for you.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: We're outside the three weeks.
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So here's the thing I find.
• 17:29
  Speaker 6: If you've got a big goal, like you've got a
• 17:31
  Speaker 6: child that's really struggling with something. And for example, at
• 17:35
  Speaker 6: certain points when my son was struggling to go to school,
• 17:37
  Speaker 6: one of the other things I added on top of
• 17:39
  Speaker 6: sonic was we can get a tracky crossant in the
• 17:41
  Speaker 6: bakery if you go now, because sometimes we got to
• 17:43
  Speaker 6: get to work and we just got to get this
• 17:44
  Speaker 6: stuff to happen, and we've got multiple kids and multiple demands,
• 17:47
  Speaker 6: and modern parenting is hard. So if that croissant gets
• 17:50
  Speaker 6: your kids to go, it's a win. We just also
• 17:53
  Speaker 6: need an option of what to do when they're not
• 17:58
  Speaker 6: doing the steps and they're not going well and they're
• 18:01
  Speaker 6: not going to earn that star because we find ourselves
• 18:04
  Speaker 6: then threatening if you guys don't X y Z, then
• 18:08
  Speaker 6: I'm gonna whatever. And suddenly we're raising cortisol in our
• 18:12
  Speaker 6: kids and nothing's going well because those things won't go well.
• 18:16
  Speaker 4: Because kids go well.
• 18:18
  Speaker 6: When they can, So those little visual reminders and the
• 18:21
  Speaker 6: stars and the sticks, they can help them as long
• 18:23
  Speaker 6: as they're regulated and going well. If your kid is disregulated,
• 18:27
  Speaker 6: having a hard morning, not very well, hungry, hungry, whatever,
• 18:30
  Speaker 6: and just melting down, then it doesn't matter what star
• 18:32
  Speaker 6: chart you have, and it doesn't matter what you threaten.
• 18:35
  Speaker 6: None of that's going to help, and they need us
• 18:37
  Speaker 6: to do something different. And that's when we're really stepping
• 18:40
  Speaker 6: in and we're using our relationship and we're saying something like,
• 18:43
  Speaker 6: I get it, it's really hard to go today.
• 18:45
  Speaker 4: My hand is on your back. Am I going to
• 18:47
  Speaker 4: carry you to the car? Or do you on a walk?
• 18:49
  Speaker 4: And I get that it's really hard.
• 18:50
  Speaker 6: So we're setting that boundary within an empathy sandwich, I
• 18:53
  Speaker 6: call it. So we name the wish of the want.
• 18:55
  Speaker 6: We set the limit and we let our kid notes
• 18:57
  Speaker 6: okay to find it hard, but we just say those
• 19:00
  Speaker 6: It's an empathy sandwich right our boundaries. If the bribe
• 19:03
  Speaker 6: stick a chart has not worked, we have to step
• 19:05
  Speaker 6: in and do something different. If our kid is disregulated,
• 19:08
  Speaker 6: we have to do something different. If my child is
• 19:10
  Speaker 6: standing on the table looking at me in the eye,
• 19:11
  Speaker 6: going what are you going to do about it? No
• 19:13
  Speaker 6: stick a chart, no threat is going to change that situation.
• 19:17
  Speaker 6: So I need to come up and I go, I
• 19:18
  Speaker 6: get that you kind of really want to climb.
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: That's name in the wish of the want.
• 19:22
  Speaker 6: The boundary is I need you to get off my
• 19:24
  Speaker 6: table now, and I'm clear and firm, and we follow
• 19:27
  Speaker 6: that with empathy. I get that it can be hard
• 19:29
  Speaker 6: to be a kid. I get that you want to climb.
• 19:31
  Speaker 6: We can climb outside, We're not climbing on the table.
• 19:34
  Speaker 6: So when kids are disregulated or when they're struggling, to
• 19:38
  Speaker 6: put it simply, we have to really help them because
• 19:42
  Speaker 6: kids can't go better. If they can't go better, no bribe,
• 19:45
  Speaker 6: no threat is going to change that.
• 19:47
  Speaker 4: So rewards and threats.
• 19:49
  Speaker 6: And consequences are tricky because we are in a society
• 19:52
  Speaker 6: that is marinated in this stuff. Behavioralism is how we
• 19:55
  Speaker 6: were raised. It's how we're running our schools. Like what
• 19:58
  Speaker 6: school doesn't have a thinking corner?
• 20:00
  Speaker 4: My son spends a lot of time there.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: I spent a lot of time, which.
• 20:04
  Speaker 4: Is a reframed time out zone.
• 20:06
  Speaker 6: But anyway, you know, these things will work some of
• 20:10
  Speaker 6: the time. So just say we've got a kid they
• 20:12
  Speaker 6: don't want to leave the park, and we say, if.
• 20:14
  Speaker 4: We go now, I reckon, we could have a bit
• 20:15
  Speaker 4: of iipad time.
• 20:16
  Speaker 6: Now.
• 20:16
  Speaker 4: If your kid says yes, it's a win. That's fine.
• 20:20
  Speaker 4: You're allowed to do that. Like people goes that right
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: or wrong. It's fine. It gets you through the day.
• 20:24
  Speaker 6: But if your kid is lying on the ground of
• 20:25
  Speaker 6: that park, kicking and screaming, no offer of the iPad
• 20:29
  Speaker 6: is going to change that.
• 20:30
  Speaker 4: They need your help to leave the park.
• 20:32
  Speaker 5: If they are kicking and screaming and you're offering that,
• 20:34
  Speaker 5: it's kind of like rewarding them.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: For that behavior.
• 20:36
  Speaker 4: They're not going to hear it.
• 20:37
  Speaker 6: If a kid is like out of their mind having
• 20:40
  Speaker 6: a meltdown, it actually doesn't matter what you say. They
• 20:42
  Speaker 6: actually just need our help. And usually that means picking
• 20:45
  Speaker 6: them up and walking out of the park.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Well, which can It leads me to the next topic
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: of discipline.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and love love Ellie.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: We had a few wooden spoons broken on our backside
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: growing up, which we do not like. That is out
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: of the question now we don't do that anymore, thankfully
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: for me.
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: At the moment. Oscar and Marley's the same age, so
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: it's probably gonna be applicable to Mat as well. Oscar
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: he's a really sweet boy.
• 21:12
  Speaker 5: He's a really nice boy when he puts his mind
• 21:14
  Speaker 5: to it, but he's got a nasty streak, and I
• 21:16
  Speaker 5: mean by a nasty streak, and he might not even
• 21:18
  Speaker 5: really know he's doing it. He's sort of at that
• 21:20
  Speaker 5: age where he'll pull a face at you if you
• 21:22
  Speaker 5: ask him to do something instead of just I don't know.
• 21:25
  Speaker 5: It's sort of like a smug face, or he'll get
• 21:27
  Speaker 5: in your face a little bit, and it's usually with mum, I.
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: Doesn't feel like defiance. Is that what you sort of
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: describe me?
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: It's a little bit, but it's also real cheeky. Yeah,
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: And like I.
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: Said, he's such a sweet boy, but he has moments
• 21:39
  Speaker 5: where he's just really really nasty. For no reason, like
• 21:42
  Speaker 5: he might say something where it's like like, for example,
• 21:46
  Speaker 5: him and Macy yesterday were racing hot wheels cars and
• 21:49
  Speaker 5: he was like, yours is a loser, but you know,
• 21:52
  Speaker 5: like the way he said it to her broke her heart.
• 21:55
  Speaker 5: And I was like, okay, bro, I get what you're
• 21:56
  Speaker 5: trying to say. There's a winner and a loser in
• 21:57
  Speaker 5: the situation because you were racing. But I'm at the
• 22:00
  Speaker 5: point where i don't know what to do anymore because
• 22:02
  Speaker 5: I'm like I keep talking to you having these conversations about, hey,
• 22:06
  Speaker 5: just be mindful of the way you talk to people.
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: If I was on that back in the day, oh
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: wouldn't spoon where is it why?
• 22:11
  Speaker 5: It'd be like, for example, I was going to read
• 22:13
  Speaker 5: something to the other day and I paused because I
• 22:15
  Speaker 5: was talking at the same time, and he's like, do
• 22:16
  Speaker 5: you know how to read? And I was like, fuck
• 22:19
  Speaker 5: you first of all, and I was like at that point,
• 22:21
  Speaker 5: I was like, that was really rude.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: Go to your room.
• 22:22
  Speaker 5: But I was like, I need to have more of
• 22:24
  Speaker 5: a conversation about it. But I'm sort of at my
• 22:26
  Speaker 5: wits end with it.
• 22:27
  Speaker 6: Such a great question statement there when kids say unkind
• 22:33
  Speaker 6: things or harsh words like I guess we're sort of
• 22:36
  Speaker 6: loosely talking about like the impact of these words in
• 22:39
  Speaker 6: those two sees. Yeah, yeah, that's not nice for his sister.
• 22:42
  Speaker 6: That's not nice for you. It's feels unkind, it feels
• 22:46
  Speaker 6: a bit mean. Something like that. Really common thing for
• 22:48
  Speaker 6: parents to sort of deal with. Now, I want to
• 22:51
  Speaker 6: sort of step us right out here. The human brain
• 22:54
  Speaker 6: doesn't learn to regulate and process emotions and go well
• 22:58
  Speaker 6: in social situations. It's fully for at twenty five to
• 23:00
  Speaker 6: twenty eight. So your kid at seven is such a
• 23:04
  Speaker 6: work in progress, right, And so here's how we learn
• 23:08
  Speaker 6: to show feelings in the moment, because I want to
• 23:10
  Speaker 6: unpack what might be going on behind or underneath that comment.
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: Of you're a loser, your car's a loser. Right.
• 23:17
  Speaker 6: So the way that kids will show emotions at first
• 23:19
  Speaker 6: at two or three, they just throw the car, they hit,
• 23:22
  Speaker 6: they melt down. They very much physically show how they
• 23:26
  Speaker 6: feel about things.
• 23:27
  Speaker 4: That's all they've got capacity to do.
• 23:28
  Speaker 6: Because the ability to bring an emotion from the back
• 23:30
  Speaker 6: of the brain to the front and articulate it, well,
• 23:33
  Speaker 6: it's a long way off, right by six or seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,
• 23:38
  Speaker 6: twelve and front of thirty sixteen, just saying it goes
• 23:40
  Speaker 6: on Suddenly. Kids have this capacity to find words in
• 23:43
  Speaker 6: the moment, but the way that it comes out at
• 23:46
  Speaker 6: first as they're learning to express really complex, big feelings,
• 23:51
  Speaker 6: like if you're twenty five years away or I can't
• 23:55
  Speaker 6: do my mask, but you know what I'm saying, seventeen
• 23:56
  Speaker 6: years away from full development?
• 23:58
  Speaker 4: That is such a big ass.
• 23:59
  Speaker 6: There's so many emotions going on in any given day,
• 24:02
  Speaker 6: and then the way that feelings come out is like
• 24:05
  Speaker 6: your car's a loser, or I hate you, mum, or
• 24:07
  Speaker 6: you're the worst dad ever, or I mean, kids say
• 24:10
  Speaker 6: the craziest things. I work in a maternity unit. Five
• 24:13
  Speaker 6: year old the other day got a brand new sibling.
• 24:15
  Speaker 6: Everyone say, look at your new baby, and he just goes,
• 24:17
  Speaker 6: I'm going to put the baby in the fridge, and
• 24:19
  Speaker 6: everyone went.
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, this child's a psycho, but he's not.
• 24:26
  Speaker 6: So Our job as parents in these moments is to
• 24:30
  Speaker 6: step back a little bit from the behavior. And it's
• 24:33
  Speaker 6: twofold hard this step back. But if we can step
• 24:35
  Speaker 6: back far enough to go, I want to know what's
• 24:37
  Speaker 6: going on for him in that moment. Now that's a
• 24:39
  Speaker 6: really hard thing to do for so many reasons, but
• 24:42
  Speaker 6: the biggest one is it was not modeled for us.
• 24:44
  Speaker 6: Nobody did that for you. You were sent to your room,
• 24:47
  Speaker 6: you were hit with the wooden spoon. My mum once
• 24:48
  Speaker 6: got a perspect's wooden spoon and we went, oh, God,
• 24:51
  Speaker 6: she's bought something that's more aerodynamic.
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: So I know what you're talking about him. But if this.
• 24:56
  Speaker 5: Wasn't modif you you guys, okay, it remind him because
• 25:01
  Speaker 5: I heard the wooden spoon and Mum came out with
• 25:02
  Speaker 5: the hard plastics.
• 25:04
  Speaker 4: Regret, yeah, exactly.
• 25:06
  Speaker 6: So we were all raised so that when we did
• 25:08
  Speaker 6: those things, we were punished. So now when our kids,
• 25:11
  Speaker 6: what your kid is expressing is an uncomfortable emotion.
• 25:14
  Speaker 4: It's not about the cars. So what's actually happening? I
• 25:17
  Speaker 4: don't know.
• 25:18
  Speaker 6: It's hard to lose. He wants to kind of show
• 25:21
  Speaker 6: that he's doing okay, there is so much he's competing,
• 25:25
  Speaker 6: Like him and his sister are like birds in a nest,
• 25:27
  Speaker 6: competing for you, and the way that they compete is
• 25:30
  Speaker 6: often by fighting.
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: Or so so.
• 25:33
  Speaker 6: So what they do is they say these clunky kind
• 25:36
  Speaker 6: of things. Our job is to go I would repeat
• 25:39
  Speaker 6: it back. You're saying that your sister's car is going
• 25:42
  Speaker 6: to lose. I'm looking at her face. I don't reckon
• 25:45
  Speaker 6: that made her feel good. I wonder if we should
• 25:47
  Speaker 6: check on her. What you've just taught your kid in
• 25:50
  Speaker 6: that moment on the spot is how to read a
• 25:52
  Speaker 6: social cue, And especially for boys, they need this so
• 25:55
  Speaker 6: low level social cue reading, so nonverbal communication.
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: They're not as good at. Look at her face. I
• 26:00
  Speaker 4: didn't go, well, look at my face. I don't like it.
• 26:02
  Speaker 6: I wonder what you could do next time you're feeling
• 26:04
  Speaker 6: frustrated that the game's not going as you wish.
• 26:07
  Speaker 4: Another option is like, hey, mate.
• 26:10
  Speaker 6: Hand on the shoulder. I'm hearing those words. Is that
• 26:12
  Speaker 6: how you wanted that to come out? Is that what
• 26:14
  Speaker 6: you meant to say?
• 26:15
  Speaker 4: I wonder what you're meaning here.
• 26:16
  Speaker 6: I wonder what's going on using curiosity to get underneath.
• 26:20
  Speaker 4: So our job is to regulate ourselves.
• 26:23
  Speaker 6: But the challenge is in that moment, you're not just
• 26:25
  Speaker 6: seeing the kid in front of you. You're also kind
• 26:27
  Speaker 6: of there's the way that you were punished for that
• 26:31
  Speaker 6: same display but behavior.
• 26:32
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I was like, I remember the car one. I
• 26:34
  Speaker 5: was like, bro, don't you know that wasn't very nice.
• 26:38
  Speaker 5: And then he sort of came back to me with like,
• 26:41
  Speaker 5: but we were racing. So then I was like, okay,
• 26:44
  Speaker 5: well there's nicer ways to say that your.
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: Car didn't come of a game. Second, there's only two
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: of you at that moment. I was like, all right,
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: so maybe he's actually just pointing out the.
• 26:52
  Speaker 5: Fact this is the way it came out was wrong
• 26:54
  Speaker 5: because like, you can't.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: Read it, but it's true.
• 26:56
  Speaker 5: I do expect way more, Yeah, when I probably should much.
• 27:00
  Speaker 6: And I think that if you check in with that, like, hey,
• 27:03
  Speaker 6: I'm looking at your sister's face.
• 27:04
  Speaker 4: I don't know how that landed. What did you mean
• 27:06
  Speaker 4: to say? And is like just my car came first,
• 27:08
  Speaker 4: and yeah, that's that's what he meant.
• 27:10
  Speaker 6: And then you can go, oh, I get it. I
• 27:13
  Speaker 6: wonder how that would feel if someone said it to you.
• 27:16
  Speaker 6: So you've got that opportunity. Do you have to do
• 27:17
  Speaker 6: that all the time? No, you don't, like, absolutely not.
• 27:20
  Speaker 6: But when I started doing that with my kids, and
• 27:23
  Speaker 6: like another example is as a parent, you hear two
• 27:25
  Speaker 6: kids and they're like you can hear that within three seconds,
• 27:28
  Speaker 6: someone's going to be crying. You know that feeling and
• 27:30
  Speaker 6: you know, just that ability to kind of coach them.
• 27:32
  Speaker 6: Like I'm hearing two kids and one of you is
• 27:34
  Speaker 6: having a ball, the other one, I'm hearing the.
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: Word stop, I reckon. We should see if that person's okay.
• 27:40
  Speaker 6: So it's kind of just teaching kids to tune into
• 27:43
  Speaker 6: those cues, but particularly kind of more broadly when kids
• 27:47
  Speaker 6: say unkind things like do you even know how to read?
• 27:50
  Speaker 6: You know, I would if we can pause our own
• 27:52
  Speaker 6: reactivity to go, oh, okay, what did you sort of
• 27:55
  Speaker 6: mean by that? Is that something that someone said to
• 27:57
  Speaker 6: you a school? Like, I'm curious, like, is that something
• 28:00
  Speaker 6: that's going on for him? Is it something that he's overheard?
• 28:03
  Speaker 6: Was he just pointing out you know, like again, is
• 28:06
  Speaker 6: he quite a literal guy?
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 28:08
  Speaker 5: It's like it's funny because like that led into when
• 28:10
  Speaker 5: I went to talk to him. He was like, I said,
• 28:12
  Speaker 5: you just said this to me, and then he lied
• 28:14
  Speaker 5: straight to my face that.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: He didn't do it.
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: Lying's a great one.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's do lie, let's do why do they? I
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: was like, you just said it to me, I know
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: you said it.
• 28:22
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 28:23
  Speaker 6: So, first of all, when your child officially learns to
• 28:27
  Speaker 6: just lie to you, like so you say, hey, did
• 28:28
  Speaker 6: you brush your teeth? And they go yes, and you
• 28:31
  Speaker 6: smell their breath and you're like, no, you didn't and
• 28:33
  Speaker 6: they're like yeah I did.
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: And they just like right.
• 28:35
  Speaker 6: So whatever it is, kids will lie or I didn't
• 28:37
  Speaker 6: do that or I didn't you know, whatever it is,
• 28:40
  Speaker 6: here's the thing, learning to lie.
• 28:42
  Speaker 4: It's a developmental milestone. So a we want to go, yes,
• 28:45
  Speaker 4: stick that one's there, all right?
• 28:48
  Speaker 6: If your kid never learns to lie, how they going
• 28:51
  Speaker 6: to get through life? Like, you need to know how
• 28:53
  Speaker 6: to lie. Then we need to learn what a white
• 28:55
  Speaker 6: lie is and what's a kind lie and what's it?
• 28:57
  Speaker 6: You know, Like we need to learn more about lying
• 28:59
  Speaker 6: and the impact can have for sure, But just knowing
• 29:02
  Speaker 6: that first of all, kids learning to.
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: Hide the truth really important skill.
• 29:07
  Speaker 6: Kids will start to do that from about four or
• 29:09
  Speaker 6: five and they will continue doing it for a while. Right,
• 29:15
  Speaker 6: So then we need to kind of look at well,
• 29:17
  Speaker 6: why would a kid lie? Because for our kids, and
• 29:20
  Speaker 6: I say it a lot, but for fourteen and a
• 29:22
  Speaker 6: half years, we're the center of their universe.
• 29:24
  Speaker 4: They think we are the most important person.
• 29:26
  Speaker 6: Why would they lie because they don't want to disappoint us.
• 29:30
  Speaker 6: The reality is not that they're trying to be sneaky
• 29:33
  Speaker 6: or tricky, or that they're not good people. It's that
• 29:35
  Speaker 6: they love you so much and they know what's wrong.
• 29:39
  Speaker 6: So we've got a couple of things going really well.
• 29:41
  Speaker 6: Our kid knows right from wrong, and they're trying to
• 29:43
  Speaker 6: protect our relationship with them.
• 29:45
  Speaker 4: So what we can.
• 29:46
  Speaker 6: Do is try to lower the pressure so that our
• 29:49
  Speaker 6: kids are more likely to tell the truth. And one
• 29:52
  Speaker 6: of the greatest lines you can say is if you
• 29:56
  Speaker 6: happened to do this thing and not tell me that truth,
• 30:00
  Speaker 6: I would understand that. I would totally get why you
• 30:03
  Speaker 6: might say that. Like right now, if your son says
• 30:06
  Speaker 6: I didn't say that, you go, yeah, if you were
• 30:09
  Speaker 6: now trying to say that you didn't say that because
• 30:12
  Speaker 6: you felt bad about it, I would get it.
• 30:14
  Speaker 4: That makes sense.
• 30:16
  Speaker 5: Yeah, there's been a couple of instances, but like now
• 30:18
  Speaker 5: you put it that way in terms of the lying,
• 30:19
  Speaker 5: it's like, okay.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: Then maybe the pressure was on.
• 30:22
  Speaker 5: He felt the pressure, and like he probably never felt
• 30:24
  Speaker 5: that pressure before.
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: That was one time.
• 30:28
  Speaker 4: Okay, we all do it. So I have a doozy
• 30:32
  Speaker 4: because my relieve people.
• 30:34
  Speaker 6: My youngest he took some money from my perth he's nine,
• 30:40
  Speaker 6: and he and he went to the chemist.
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: And he bought a package you Johnson that he bought
• 30:47
  Speaker 4: a packet.
• 30:47
  Speaker 6: Of nerds and he came home. At least he didn't
• 30:50
  Speaker 6: steal the nerds, right, so you know this time, So anyway,
• 30:55
  Speaker 6: he comes in the back door and like, you know,
• 30:57
  Speaker 6: I just saw he was just trying. He was just
• 30:59
  Speaker 6: trying to go to his room to hide the backpack.
• 31:01
  Speaker 6: And I just said, what's in the back.
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: When you walk with the clips means?
• 31:08
  Speaker 4: And so I come in and I'm like, I want
• 31:09
  Speaker 4: to see you backpack.
• 31:10
  Speaker 6: He's like, Mom, it just doesn't matter, mate, Like he's
• 31:12
  Speaker 6: just trying to put it under the.
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: Bed, and like it's this horrible situation, dumb.
• 31:16
  Speaker 6: And the worst bit is, I know, as a parent, educated,
• 31:19
  Speaker 6: the best thing is just walk away and just chill
• 31:23
  Speaker 6: and then wait till he's calmer, and then come back
• 31:25
  Speaker 6: and say, hey, I mean there's something in that backpack,
• 31:28
  Speaker 6: and I want you to know there's nothing that you
• 31:30
  Speaker 6: can have done.
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: That whatever made me love you less. We'll work it
• 31:32
  Speaker 4: out together. If the head in there, whoa.
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: Honestly we are well said.
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: That's why do you feel weird saying that?
• 31:46
  Speaker 6: But anyway, I just want to admit freely on Mike
• 31:49
  Speaker 6: too or your audience.
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: So I was like, couch ty was in the backpack.
• 31:53
  Speaker 6: Was in the backpack. He's like, anyway. Then I'm like,
• 31:55
  Speaker 6: how did you get the money?
• 31:56
  Speaker 4: He's like, I don't know. I'm did you take it
• 32:00
  Speaker 4: from my wallet? Anyway? I then I took myself. Here's
• 32:03
  Speaker 4: what I did. I caught myself on the climb.
• 32:05
  Speaker 6: I knew this was going nowhere good, and I just
• 32:08
  Speaker 6: removed myself and I said, do you know what, I'm
• 32:11
  Speaker 6: going to take a little break. I'm going to give
• 32:12
  Speaker 6: you some time to think about it. I want you
• 32:14
  Speaker 6: to know that there's nothing you could tell me that
• 32:16
  Speaker 6: would make me love you less. And we're going to
• 32:17
  Speaker 6: work this out together. And I left, and then I
• 32:19
  Speaker 6: came back and I said, look, if it feels easier,
• 32:27
  Speaker 6: you can write down on.
• 32:29
  Speaker 4: A piece of paper what happened.
• 32:31
  Speaker 6: And he wrote down, I took the money from your wallet.
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: Because here's the thing.
• 32:39
  Speaker 6: Kids will lie to protect us and it doesn't to
• 32:41
  Speaker 6: be honest.
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: Guys.
• 32:42
  Speaker 6: At this stage, with the nerds or with the whatever,
• 32:45
  Speaker 6: it doesn't really matter. But when they're sixteen, I need
• 32:49
  Speaker 6: them to know, hey, there's nothing you could tell me
• 32:54
  Speaker 6: that we couldn't work out, because I've got four boys
• 32:57
  Speaker 6: and the reality is, at.
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: One point one of them is going to send nude
• 33:00
  Speaker 4: Like it's.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: Just excuse me, so what ude?
• 33:05
  Speaker 4: Really are you joking? I thought you guys were like,
• 33:09
  Speaker 4: there's a good millennial.
• 33:13
  Speaker 6: Look many many kids these days, they're going to send nudes.
• 33:16
  Speaker 6: They're in a world of tech that's so different to
• 33:18
  Speaker 6: the world I grew up in. It's really common that
• 33:20
  Speaker 6: boys will get tricked into sending a mood And one
• 33:25
  Speaker 6: of the biggest things I've shocked you're finding this.
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: Shocked ash stands out.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: I just wasn't expecting it.
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: I haven't processed it yet.
• 33:36
  Speaker 6: I'm just giving a specific example to the kind of
• 33:38
  Speaker 6: trouble our kids. And they could send a nude and
• 33:42
  Speaker 6: then suddenly they're being extorted because they thought they were
• 33:44
  Speaker 6: texting with some girl and actually it's you know, a scam,
• 33:48
  Speaker 6: and that person is saying, I'm now going to send
• 33:50
  Speaker 6: that node to everyone on your soccer team. Now, there
• 33:53
  Speaker 6: are some really dire consequences that have happened to multiple
• 33:57
  Speaker 6: multiple kids, and it's really sad stories. So one of
• 33:59
  Speaker 6: the things I'm trying to do is build a relationship
• 34:02
  Speaker 6: in these early years where my kids know, hey, there
• 34:05
  Speaker 6: is nothing you could have done. There is nothing that
• 34:08
  Speaker 6: you could tell me that would make me love you less.
• 34:10
  Speaker 6: There's nothing I won't be on your team for. And
• 34:13
  Speaker 6: even if you've made.
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: A mistake, we'll work it out, because they're going to
• 34:16
  Speaker 4: make so many mistakes.
• 34:17
  Speaker 6: And so to me, you know, the things now or
• 34:20
  Speaker 6: the stolen money like not great. We've got to talk
• 34:23
  Speaker 6: about honesty. And there was a you know, there was
• 34:25
  Speaker 6: a consequence. He had to earn the money back, and
• 34:27
  Speaker 6: you know we worked it out.
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: But I want money back, but I want you, I want.
• 34:35
  Speaker 6: Him to know that that was a safe thing to do,
• 34:36
  Speaker 6: because I just think otherwise he doesn't come to me,
• 34:39
  Speaker 6: and that's the problem.
• 34:40
  Speaker 5: That would hurt my feelings way more if he was
• 34:42
  Speaker 5: too afraid to come to me with it. And it's
• 34:44
  Speaker 5: like you said, the start of that story, you were
• 34:47
  Speaker 5: you could feel it was going nowhere good. I think
• 34:49
  Speaker 5: the trick is to get out of there for me
• 34:51
  Speaker 5: because I'm like, I'm already there and I want to
• 34:53
  Speaker 5: say my piece. I want to hear his piece, but
• 34:55
  Speaker 5: at the same time, we're just getting more harm than Yeah.
• 34:57
  Speaker 6: So the biggest thing in parenting we can possibly do
• 35:00
  Speaker 6: is take a pause. You know, there's a really famous
• 35:02
  Speaker 6: quote between stimulus and response, there is a pause, and
• 35:05
  Speaker 6: in that pause sort of lies our salvation.
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: But the pause is everything.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: I have a scenario, Yeah, let's do it. That is
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: on the topic of being defiant punishment. And I'd love
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: to know that if you were in my shoes, how
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: you would have handled this situation. So I know that
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: one of my.
• 35:21
  Speaker 4: Children's shoes.
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: About big shoes, man.
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: Us eleven and a half.
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: Half Its eleven enough with a half on six one
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: and a half six one and a half.
• 35:34
  Speaker 4: Not a big foot.
• 35:35
  Speaker 6: My my fourteen year old has as around.
• 35:43
  Speaker 4: I'm a nine.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: I can tell with my kids that once they start
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: getting a little bit cheeky, you know, a little bit silly, I.
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: Know that they're on a path.
• 35:59
  Speaker 4: Yeah they are.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: It's down with path, and it's it's hard to turn
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: them around.
• 36:06
  Speaker 6: You know.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: Normally it only stops when one of them gets hurt,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: one of them starts crying. I'm like, stop it now,
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: and they start crying off the back of that. It
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: takes something to kind of like, you know, really shock
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: them and An example of this was the girls were
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: in the bath, like water was going everywhere, and I
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: was like trying to, like, you know, get them wash,
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: brush their teeth, and be like, and guys, we've got
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: to stop splashing water everywhere. I don't want to get wet.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: I really don't like it. And then as I said that,
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: then I was targeted.
• 36:38
  Speaker 3: So then one of my.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: Children started splashing me, and I said, I really don't
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: want to get wet. Okay, let's brush our teeth. Like
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: I was handing them the toothbrush and using some of
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: the tools that you give me before. I was saying,
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening, thank you so much
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: for brushing your teeth. She's like, I'm not brushing my teeth,
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: fucking idiot. And I was saying, and please stop splashing me.
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: And then she paused for a second and then she
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: knelt down. She got some water in her mouth, and
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: as I was in your face, she spaded in my face.
• 37:05
  Speaker 4: I could predict this one coming and I can feel it.
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: I loved it.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: I've lived it that kind of going back to what
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: you said before. In my head, I'm like I would
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: have got smack for this, Like there needs to be
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: some level of punishment for my daughter to understand that
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: how she's behaved is absolutely not on. But I mean,
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: the only thing I did was I just said fuck
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: brushing the teeth, got her out of the bath, wrapped
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: her up, whisked her into her room to get her
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: ready for bed. She was crying because she didn't want
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: to go to the bath. She hates, so any transition
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: she doesn't like unless it's slow. What should I have
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: done it is? I want to make sure that she
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: knows that she's not allowed to do that.
• 37:41
  Speaker 4: First of all, you.
• 37:41
  Speaker 6: Did amazing right, like we're all in the thick of it,
• 37:45
  Speaker 6: and that sounds amazing.
• 37:46
  Speaker 4: You're trying all that stuff.
• 37:47
  Speaker 6: I think that she was too high on a climb
• 37:50
  Speaker 6: into disregulation by the time you were trying some of
• 37:53
  Speaker 6: the suggestions.
• 37:55
  Speaker 4: Can I quickly explain how that looks?
• 37:57
  Speaker 6: So kids climb into disregulation in almost like going up
• 38:00
  Speaker 6: a ladder in lots of ten and this is how
• 38:02
  Speaker 6: it looks and sounds. So level one, two, three, kids
• 38:05
  Speaker 6: are wingy, they're whiny, they're not listening steps.
• 38:09
  Speaker 4: Four, five, and six.
• 38:10
  Speaker 6: They get silly, they really get more defiant, and they
• 38:15
  Speaker 6: do things that are not like spitting water in your face. Look,
• 38:18
  Speaker 6: I know it didn't feel great, but it's not the
• 38:20
  Speaker 6: worst thing in the world. It's a bit silly, it's
• 38:22
  Speaker 6: a bit wrong, but she's a little kid.
• 38:25
  Speaker 4: It's not the end of the world. Right.
• 38:29
  Speaker 6: Once we get up above a six, kids get really dysregulated,
• 38:33
  Speaker 6: and that's when we're in Defcon four and they're kicking,
• 38:35
  Speaker 6: they're screaming, they're.
• 38:36
  Speaker 4: Melting down, and we're all losing it.
• 38:39
  Speaker 6: The problem with where you were at you were at
• 38:41
  Speaker 6: a four, five six when you tried to do your
• 38:43
  Speaker 6: strategies at work, only on a one, two three. So
• 38:47
  Speaker 6: when we first start noticing that they're kind of getting
• 38:49
  Speaker 6: a bit silly or they're not quite listening, which is
• 38:52
  Speaker 6: really common on a path the bedtime, So dysregulation is
• 38:55
  Speaker 6: going to move up because it's really hard to go
• 38:56
  Speaker 6: to bed. We catch in them lower, we're connecting, we're going, hey,
• 39:00
  Speaker 6: you did this.
• 39:00
  Speaker 4: I'll do that.
• 39:01
  Speaker 6: So at a level five, where she's at, really kids
• 39:05
  Speaker 6: need a boundary. So kids at level five, they're going
• 39:07
  Speaker 6: to look defiant. They're going to be looking at you
• 39:09
  Speaker 6: in the eyes. That's the kid where you say no,
• 39:11
  Speaker 6: we're not having a snack before dinner and they just
• 39:13
  Speaker 6: put the hand in the pantry. They're looking at you
• 39:14
  Speaker 6: in the eye going, well, I know where the snacks are,
• 39:16
  Speaker 6: so I'm just having one. At that point, none of
• 39:18
  Speaker 6: that low level stuff naming emotions is going to help,
• 39:20
  Speaker 6: and we have to step in and stop them, or
• 39:22
  Speaker 6: step in and say I'm going to get you out
• 39:23
  Speaker 6: of the bath.
• 39:24
  Speaker 4: If you do that again, I'm going to get you out.
• 39:26
  Speaker 6: And the truth is kids don't want to they don't
• 39:29
  Speaker 6: want to annoy you, and sometimes they're just misreading the situation,
• 39:32
  Speaker 6: like they're just like I thought we were having a
• 39:34
  Speaker 6: really good game here, and I thought we were having
• 39:36
  Speaker 6: so much fun, and we think we're being very clear,
• 39:39
  Speaker 6: but four kids, it has to be really clear, like listen,
• 39:43
  Speaker 6: splash again, guys, and immediately we're getting out.
• 39:46
  Speaker 4: You understand, has everybody heard me?
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: Because in my head I was like the fucking disrespect
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: Oh like you know, she.
• 39:54
  Speaker 3: Disobeyed an immediate order?
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, no regular for you?
• 40:03
  Speaker 6: Yeah. So And then often what kids actually want because
• 40:08
  Speaker 6: you know how you said, it only stops when they
• 40:10
  Speaker 6: get hurt.
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I lose it.
• 40:12
  Speaker 6: What kids are often needing about that point, it is
• 40:14
  Speaker 6: the boundary. It's actually you to say, hey, that's not
• 40:17
  Speaker 6: working for me. So if you do that again, we're
• 40:19
  Speaker 6: gonna have to get out, and often they will melt down.
• 40:22
  Speaker 4: As you get them out, they'll be upset.
• 40:23
  Speaker 6: I didn't want the bath to end there, but I
• 40:25
  Speaker 6: reckon that meltdown is actually part of the process that
• 40:28
  Speaker 6: they're having in terms of getting ready for bed, and
• 40:30
  Speaker 6: the sooner we bring that on, the quicker we do settle,
• 40:33
  Speaker 6: and then the stories go better and everything goes better.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: So that's the trick. Get them to melt down to
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: go to sleep.
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: Them all the way out. Just catch them when they're
• 40:41
  Speaker 4: on the climb.
• 40:41
  Speaker 6: They might hit that point in the climb earlier, might
• 40:44
  Speaker 6: be in the kitchen when they try to have an
• 40:46
  Speaker 6: ice cream even though you've said no, and their hands
• 40:48
  Speaker 6: on the freezer, or they're hitting their sibling and I'm like,
• 40:50
  Speaker 6: that must stop.
• 40:51
  Speaker 4: I've got you.
• 40:52
  Speaker 6: They're going to melt down there, and then the path
• 40:54
  Speaker 6: of bedtime will go easier.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: If the boundary has been broken. Right, So I've got
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: them out of the bar, they're still misbehaving. Can I
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: threaten them and announce that I'll take away reading a
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: book before they go to bed.
• 41:05
  Speaker 6: Okay, so consequences only work if they're completely related to
• 41:10
  Speaker 6: what's happening. So if you splash the water out of
• 41:13
  Speaker 6: the bath, we're going to get out of the bath. Bath,
• 41:14
  Speaker 6: Hume's done. If you throw the food off the high chair.
• 41:17
  Speaker 4: We're done with dinner. That works.
• 41:19
  Speaker 6: What doesn't work is if you splash the water out
• 41:22
  Speaker 6: of the bath, there will be no stories for the
• 41:24
  Speaker 6: rest of your life.
• 41:25
  Speaker 3: Like that, because it's to the two disconnect.
• 41:27
  Speaker 6: Their brains can't process it. So the bottom line is
• 41:30
  Speaker 6: it just won't work. You can say it, but it
• 41:32
  Speaker 6: is completely ineffective at creating any change. What we're trying
• 41:36
  Speaker 6: to teach kids is to make a better choice in
• 41:38
  Speaker 6: the moment.
• 41:39
  Speaker 4: We want them to earlier.
• 41:41
  Speaker 6: Read your cues, respect your views, listen, right.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: Would it work if they're ready for bad? If they're ready,
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: and then I'll move on. If they are ready for
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: bed and I'm saying you need to lay in bed,
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: and if you don't lay in bed, and if I
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: have a book in my hand, then you won't get
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: the story. Is that enough of a connection that they
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: can understand the repercussions?
• 42:03
  Speaker 6: Yes, and it can work. It can disregulate kids further.
• 42:07
  Speaker 6: So if it's working for you, that's fine. But if
• 42:10
  Speaker 6: they then lose their minds, it's just too much for
• 42:13
  Speaker 6: kids that are already a bit like.
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: I'm going to see you walking around with a book.
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: Kids.
• 42:19
  Speaker 6: And another relatable example is a parent that maybe they
• 42:22
  Speaker 6: lie with their kids for a few minutes to get
• 42:24
  Speaker 6: them to sleep at night. This is really commonly people
• 42:27
  Speaker 6: do that these days. So they're lying with their kids
• 42:29
  Speaker 6: to get them to sleep, and the kid is mucking
• 42:31
  Speaker 6: around being silly. They're not lying with them. And I
• 42:33
  Speaker 6: just say, listen, there's two choices. You can lie down
• 42:37
  Speaker 6: and I'll lie with you for the time that we've
• 42:38
  Speaker 6: agreed on, or otherwise I'm going to have to leave
• 42:40
  Speaker 6: you to it because I'm not going to stay here.
• 42:42
  Speaker 6: Boundaries are about what we will and won't do. They're
• 42:46
  Speaker 6: about what works for us or not. So a lot
• 42:48
  Speaker 6: of what you said before it was a statement of
• 42:51
  Speaker 6: wishes or a statement of values, like we don't splash,
• 42:55
  Speaker 6: we don't hit, and your kids are like, yeah, we do, right,
• 42:59
  Speaker 6: Like that's just a state in a fact, Or we
• 43:00
  Speaker 6: don't jump on the couch in this family, it's just
• 43:03
  Speaker 6: kind of a statement. Or biscuits are not a healthy choice,
• 43:07
  Speaker 6: whereas the boundary is I'm not letting you in the cupboard,
• 43:10
  Speaker 6: I'm not going to let you hit me. I'm not
• 43:12
  Speaker 6: going to read a third book. I know how much
• 43:14
  Speaker 6: you want it. So the boundary is what we will
• 43:16
  Speaker 6: and won't do. And often we get a bit confused.
• 43:18
  Speaker 6: We think that a statement of fact or request, like
• 43:22
  Speaker 6: guys who wants to brush their teeth, is actually not
• 43:24
  Speaker 6: really a boundary.
• 43:25
  Speaker 4: It's kind of a question.
• 43:26
  Speaker 6: Yeah, okay, a boundary is its teeth time? Now let's go.
• 43:31
  Speaker 3: Okay, I have one last question.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, one of my children, whenever we are run, whenever
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: we are talking about these boundaries, they will constantly roll
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: the rise oscar.
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: And I'm worried.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: That without having any repercussions of the rolling of the eyes,
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: just me constantly going it's really it hurts my feelings.
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: When I'm trying to exp playing to you the situation
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: and you react and you roll your eyes, doesn't feel
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: like it has any cut through. Is it just a
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: case that my child is under the age of ten
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: and doesn't understand and I will have to continue driving
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: it into their head that.
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: Ain't your eyes.
• 44:16
  Speaker 6: Right?
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: Those eyes come with me?
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: Or is there some kind of silver bullet that I
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: can say or do something with I'll go, oh, yeah,
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: I won't do that again.
• 44:22
  Speaker 6: So we get confused about what we have control over
• 44:25
  Speaker 6: and not. O guess parents we do have the job
• 44:28
  Speaker 6: of letting our kids know what's safe, what's not safe,
• 44:30
  Speaker 6: what works for us, what does and what we will do,
• 44:32
  Speaker 6: what we won't do, what we will let them do,
• 44:34
  Speaker 6: what we won't let them do.
• 44:36
  Speaker 4: They get the job of how they feel about that.
• 44:38
  Speaker 6: They get to roll their eyes, they get to melt down,
• 44:41
  Speaker 6: they get to cry, they get to thrash. The question
• 44:45
  Speaker 6: for you is what would have happened to you if
• 44:47
  Speaker 6: you'd have rolled your eyes? And I'm guessing you got punished,
• 44:51
  Speaker 6: and so it feels really triggering and it's actually more
• 44:54
  Speaker 6: about you than anything that's happening with your kid.
• 44:56
  Speaker 4: And I know that is just like, but that's three
• 45:02
  Speaker 4: against most men.
• 45:07
  Speaker 6: Most men struggle massively with defiance, with that kind of
• 45:12
  Speaker 6: rolling your eyes. I'm not doing it, I'm looking at
• 45:14
  Speaker 6: you in the eye. I'm deliberately doing the wrong thing.
• 45:17
  Speaker 6: Most women struggle most with winging and whining. And let's
• 45:22
  Speaker 6: think about what little boys and little girls were taught.
• 45:24
  Speaker 6: Men were taught if you muck up, if you're defined,
• 45:26
  Speaker 6: you get punished.
• 45:27
  Speaker 4: Most likely.
• 45:28
  Speaker 6: We've talked about the wooden spoon, and women were taught well,
• 45:31
  Speaker 6: if you don't turn that frown upside down, the wind
• 45:33
  Speaker 6: will change and you will get stuck like that. So
• 45:36
  Speaker 6: the thing that our parent felt most uncomfortable with in
• 45:40
  Speaker 6: us is the thing that will show up in your
• 45:43
  Speaker 6: relationship with your child. And so in that moment, it's
• 45:46
  Speaker 6: about remembering like she's allowed to express how she feels
• 45:49
  Speaker 6: about it. And I want to tell you that as
• 45:52
  Speaker 6: a parent of a sixteen year old boy, I mean,
• 45:55
  Speaker 6: it's like one day the eyes roll back in their
• 45:57
  Speaker 6: head and you think they're going to go so far
• 45:59
  Speaker 6: back in their coming back to the front.
• 46:01
  Speaker 4: That's that's how that's the dream. That's how cringe I am.
• 46:05
  Speaker 4: And I'm like, yeah, right.
• 46:06
  Speaker 6: So if I go in and say, mate, it's ten o'clock,
• 46:09
  Speaker 6: your phone needs to go in a locked box, which
• 46:11
  Speaker 6: is a rule we have in our house, I mean,
• 46:13
  Speaker 6: my kid's not gonna go Thanks Mom.
• 46:15
  Speaker 4: I love the way you keep me safe. He's gonna
• 46:19
  Speaker 4: roll his eyes. Why shouldn't he?
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: That sucks?
• 46:22
  Speaker 4: That rule sucks. He's sixteen, he wants his phone. Other
• 46:24
  Speaker 4: kids don't have that rule. I get it.
• 46:26
  Speaker 6: So he might say you're the worst mum. He might
• 46:28
  Speaker 6: roll his eyes. He has once thrown that phone at me.
• 46:31
  Speaker 6: Am I reacting in the moment?
• 46:33
  Speaker 4: No?
• 46:34
  Speaker 6: Can I go back and say, hey, the way phone
• 46:37
  Speaker 6: hand over went over last night, I didn't love how
• 46:39
  Speaker 6: you threw that phone at me. That's kind of a line.
• 46:42
  Speaker 6: Can I set a boundary around that? Absolutely? But it's
• 46:44
  Speaker 6: not gonna work in the moment.
• 46:45
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I just I just feel helpless, helpless a little bit.
• 46:54
  Speaker 5: I don't want you to feel help No, I feel
• 46:57
  Speaker 5: like it makes so much sense. Yeah, but I'm so
• 47:00
  Speaker 5: bad at in the moment, So it's okay.
• 47:03
  Speaker 3: Well it's easy here in this conversation.
• 47:05
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and I'm triggered. I feel myself. I hear myself
• 47:08
  Speaker 5: in your words. One, I feel bad that I didn't
• 47:10
  Speaker 5: do that. But the second thought.
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: Is I'm bad in that situation. I need to get
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: better in that situation.
• 47:16
  Speaker 4: But how do you do it?
• 47:17
  Speaker 6: And that's the biggest question every single parent asked me.
• 47:19
  Speaker 6: It's the question I have asked over and over and over.
• 47:22
  Speaker 6: How do I be the parent I want to be
• 47:23
  Speaker 6: in the moment? Modern parents have enough information about what
• 47:26
  Speaker 6: kids need. They don't need more. The issue is being
• 47:29
  Speaker 6: that person in the moment, and the answer lies and
• 47:31
  Speaker 6: self compassion. Yeah, and I know that's annoying, but hang
• 47:35
  Speaker 6: with me in that moment when our child rolls their eyes,
• 47:38
  Speaker 6: in that moment where our child melts down, in that
• 47:40
  Speaker 6: moment where our kids are fighting and we feel triggered.
• 47:43
  Speaker 6: The opportunity for us is literally a pause long enough
• 47:46
  Speaker 6: to say, this is really hard. I'm doing something that
• 47:50
  Speaker 6: no one did for me. There is no manual for this.
• 47:53
  Speaker 6: I'm doing the best that I can. That will stop
• 47:56
  Speaker 6: your brain from going into fight flight or freeze. That
• 47:59
  Speaker 6: will stop you reactivity, It will stop your parents' words
• 48:02
  Speaker 6: from coming out of your mouth, and it gives you
• 48:05
  Speaker 6: an opportunity to meet the need of the kid in
• 48:08
  Speaker 6: front of you.
• 48:08
  Speaker 4: And there's no perfect script for that. It is literally
• 48:10
  Speaker 4: just going. I get it.
• 48:12
  Speaker 6: You're having a hard time going to bed. This is
• 48:14
  Speaker 6: what we're doing. Whatever is this something I'm going Is
• 48:16
  Speaker 6: this the heel I'm going to die or not? We
• 48:17
  Speaker 6: deal with it however.
• 48:18
  Speaker 4: We deal with it.
• 48:19
  Speaker 6: But the opportunity for us is grabbing a breath or
• 48:23
  Speaker 6: a pause long enough to say, this is really hard.
• 48:27
  Speaker 6: The analogy I'd give you is that what we're trying
• 48:30
  Speaker 6: to do as millennial parents, and I say we even
• 48:32
  Speaker 6: though I'm gen X, but anyways, exactly I'm a hip
• 48:36
  Speaker 6: cat I identify as what it's like. The analogy is,
• 48:41
  Speaker 6: imagine that you were raised only speaking in French, you
• 48:44
  Speaker 6: were parented in French, you were disciplined in French.
• 48:47
  Speaker 4: But you've heard as an adult that it's better to
• 48:50
  Speaker 4: parent kids in English.
• 48:51
  Speaker 6: And so you have to read books about it, and
• 48:53
  Speaker 6: you watch social media posts about it, and we listen
• 48:55
  Speaker 6: to parent educators and we're trying our best to parent
• 48:57
  Speaker 6: in English. Under the pressure of your kid melting down,
• 49:01
  Speaker 6: what language is going to come out of your mouth? Like,
• 49:03
  Speaker 6: it's going to be French. So I kind of want
• 49:06
  Speaker 6: all parents to know that that's the reality. But the
• 49:09
  Speaker 6: fact we're reflective, the fact we're trying, the fact we
• 49:11
  Speaker 6: apologize is amazing and I'm so hopeful. I think we're
• 49:16
  Speaker 6: going to have a generation of boys and girls that
• 49:18
  Speaker 6: are not as impacted as we are by this stuff.
• 49:21
  Speaker 5: Yeah, because I don't remember really a parent apologizing to
• 49:24
  Speaker 5: me whatever, not unless.
• 49:28
  Speaker 3: It was like sorry, I was a bad mother.
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I'm just sorry that I'm the worst mother
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: a bad time. You took responsibility.
• 49:36
  Speaker 6: I imagine, and I often say to people, imagine if
• 49:39
  Speaker 6: you did get a phone call now, like from a parent.
• 49:41
  Speaker 6: Also your parents said, you know, thinking about the way
• 49:43
  Speaker 6: I might have done some of those things, and I,
• 49:45
  Speaker 6: you know, I sort of wish i'd done something.
• 49:46
  Speaker 5: My dad tried to tell me that we don't have
• 49:48
  Speaker 5: any childhood trauma, and I said, my therapist is beg
• 49:51
  Speaker 5: to differ.
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: When you're trying to pair in a way which differs
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: to how you were brought up. Do you ever get
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: mum rage? We talked about the podcast, and I'm like,
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: surely you're the gold standard. I imagine that every night
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: you're just like, I love you children.
• 50:06
  Speaker 6: Good. No, We've talked about it over and over thirty percent.
• 50:10
  Speaker 6: We're shooting for thirty percent. And I think mum rage
• 50:13
  Speaker 6: is happening because millennial parents are trying to be perfect
• 50:17
  Speaker 6: one hundred percent of the time. It is not sustainable.
• 50:20
  Speaker 6: It's not what kids need, it's not what we need.
• 50:23
  Speaker 6: So we're trying to just thirty percent of the time,
• 50:26
  Speaker 6: particularly when it comes to this stuff I'm talking about
• 50:28
  Speaker 6: where we're undercovering what's the underlying feeling for our kid
• 50:31
  Speaker 6: name entertainment to help them build their regulation thirty percent?
• 50:35
  Speaker 4: Whereas if we're trying to be perfect and why are
• 50:39
  Speaker 4: mum's raging?
• 50:40
  Speaker 6: Can I just unpack how modern parenting is different, Like
• 50:43
  Speaker 6: do you think your mum ever in the history of
• 50:47
  Speaker 6: parenting sat on the couch and thought, did I have
• 50:50
  Speaker 6: the five colors in their Bento lunch box today?
• 50:54
  Speaker 4: Did I limit their screen time enough?
• 50:56
  Speaker 6: And also I'm pretty sure I ruined their attachment style
• 51:00
  Speaker 6: by yelling.
• 51:01
  Speaker 2: I remember six hours of TV?
• 51:04
  Speaker 4: You know, not once? Not once?
• 51:07
  Speaker 6: Did our parents kind of do that or worry about that?
• 51:09
  Speaker 6: We are worrying on a daily basis. Now, this is cool,
• 51:13
  Speaker 6: it's a good thing.
• 51:14
  Speaker 4: It's worth the fight. But we have to lower the
• 51:16
  Speaker 4: pressure because.
• 51:17
  Speaker 6: On top of the warry alone and the doing it differently,
• 51:20
  Speaker 6: we have more financial pressure than ever before. We're working
• 51:22
  Speaker 6: harder than ever before, we're parenting harder than ever before.
• 51:25
  Speaker 6: Our kids are busier than ever before. Think about all
• 51:28
  Speaker 6: of that, and the village has changed, and we're trying
• 51:30
  Speaker 6: to parent in the silo. That's a lot, right, And
• 51:33
  Speaker 6: then we're worried about wars and global warming, it's.
• 51:37
  Speaker 4: A bit of a bitfire.
• 51:38
  Speaker 6: And then on top of this, we're criticizing every move
• 51:43
  Speaker 6: we make.
• 51:43
  Speaker 4: I said the wrong words.
• 51:45
  Speaker 6: Parenting isn't made or broken in one wrong statement or
• 51:48
  Speaker 6: one losing it like it's literally something we're tending moment
• 51:52
  Speaker 6: to moment, showing up, being reflective, pivoting that didn't work,
• 51:55
  Speaker 6: let me try something else, and repairing.
• 51:58
  Speaker 4: That's how we do it.
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: Do you think like it's okay to let the mum rage.
• 52:02
  Speaker 6: Out, Well, the mum rage has to come out, and
• 52:06
  Speaker 6: to me, the first thing we have to do when
• 52:08
  Speaker 6: we have a moment of mum rage is go well,
• 52:10
  Speaker 6: pour me.
• 52:11
  Speaker 4: I obviously am under a lot of pressure here because
• 52:13
  Speaker 4: I really care. I'm a good mum.
• 52:15
  Speaker 6: I really love these kids and this stuff is really hard.
• 52:18
  Speaker 6: What can I do to lower the pressure. How can
• 52:20
  Speaker 6: we change things up? What can we drop? What can
• 52:22
  Speaker 6: we ditch? How can I do something kind for myself?
• 52:26
  Speaker 6: Is probably the first step I would take before I
• 52:27
  Speaker 6: address anything around my parenting.
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: And then do you think they're the kind of questions
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: that a dad can ask the partner.
• 52:36
  Speaker 3: Just let it go?
• 52:37
  Speaker 4: What questions or how can I help?
• 52:39
  Speaker 6: No? I think the dad needs to say, honey, I
• 52:43
  Speaker 6: can see this is so tough. These kids are ferals
• 52:46
  Speaker 6: and I'm pouring your wine.
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: Okay, That's what I.
• 52:48
  Speaker 6: Think dads need to do. Validate, validate, validate, because if
• 52:51
  Speaker 6: we jump too quickly into can I help or maybe
• 52:56
  Speaker 6: have you thought about whether you need more self care?
• 52:59
  Speaker 6: It'll be like I didn't ask you for solutions.
• 53:01
  Speaker 4: I just want you to listen.
• 53:03
  Speaker 6: And I think that if our partners for both of us,
• 53:06
  Speaker 6: can say that sounds so tough. I do with my husband,
• 53:09
  Speaker 6: like he'll come home complain about something at work and
• 53:11
  Speaker 6: I'm like, well, have you tried having a clear and
• 53:13
  Speaker 6: honest conversation.
• 53:14
  Speaker 4: He's like, excuse me? Do you work in data?
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: And AI like, have you thought about communicating? Oh God?
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: Does he ever catch you giving him the parenting spiel?
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: And You're like, I know that it's really tough working
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: in that job.
• 53:30
  Speaker 5: He's like, hang on a second, but I've given you
• 53:32
  Speaker 5: thirty percent already today and I'm giving you thirty one.
• 53:34
  Speaker 4: So I wish I did more of it.
• 53:35
  Speaker 6: But often once I've worked it out on my kids,
• 53:37
  Speaker 6: I've got nothing left for him. So I'm just like,
• 53:39
  Speaker 6: I don't have time whatever this is you just shut up.
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: I think these days when we're parenting in a way
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: where at the forefront we're so conscious of the impacts
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: that we can have with our kids in a negative way,
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: and we're trying to almost wrap them in cotton wool
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: because we don't want to, you know, offend them, and
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: you know, always like core memories.
• 53:59
  Speaker 3: What are they going to remember?
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: How can we parent in a way where we're still
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: making them resilient?
• 54:05
  Speaker 6: Step back, So we want to step back in terms
• 54:08
  Speaker 6: of what can I step back from, whether it's a
• 54:12
  Speaker 6: child learning to tie their shoes or pour their milk
• 54:14
  Speaker 6: or play a bit independently. Step back allowing them to
• 54:17
  Speaker 6: climb a tree and sometimes fall, and step back from
• 54:20
  Speaker 6: trying to fix their feelings. When you set a boundary,
• 54:22
  Speaker 6: the TV's going off, I get that you're gonna roll
• 54:24
  Speaker 6: your eyes, or you're gonna tell me I'm terrible or
• 54:26
  Speaker 6: melt down, and that's okay. I'm stepping back from trying
• 54:29
  Speaker 6: to fix that or make it better, or try to
• 54:31
  Speaker 6: coach you out of doing that. I'm just going to
• 54:33
  Speaker 6: allow you to have that. Now, our parents did that differently.
• 54:37
  Speaker 6: They punish, so we learn not to do it in
• 54:39
  Speaker 6: a different way. And the reason that we feel like
• 54:41
  Speaker 6: we're walking on eggshells or we're on that hamster will
• 54:44
  Speaker 6: of trying to make our kids' childhoods magical is because
• 54:47
  Speaker 6: we're not allowed to do that anymore. So now we're like, well,
• 54:50
  Speaker 6: I need to fix it then, But actually, if we
• 54:52
  Speaker 6: can step back from fixing everything for our kids, we're
• 54:55
  Speaker 6: going to build resilience. Everything we're doing, naming emotions, doing
• 54:59
  Speaker 6: what we're doing thirty percent of the time is amazing
• 55:02
  Speaker 6: for our kids emotional literacy and for their resilience anyway.
• 55:06
  Speaker 6: But probably the thing that modern kids are struggling with
• 55:09
  Speaker 6: more is frustration tolerance. They don't get enough opportunities to
• 55:13
  Speaker 6: feel frustrated because their world is on demand.
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: How can I make sure that I am parenting a
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: child that's going to be resilient?
• 55:21
  Speaker 4: You want to step back.
• 55:23
  Speaker 6: So if we can step back a little from interfering
• 55:26
  Speaker 6: with our kids emotions and feelings from the very beginning
• 55:29
  Speaker 6: right the way through and really asking that question, what
• 55:33
  Speaker 6: can I step back from from the minute our kids
• 55:36
  Speaker 6: are sort of trying and trying and trying to do something,
• 55:39
  Speaker 6: even a young child reaching for a ball, and we
• 55:41
  Speaker 6: want to step in on to fix it or.
• 55:42
  Speaker 4: Solve it, or roll the ball towards them.
• 55:44
  Speaker 6: If we can step back just long enough for our
• 55:46
  Speaker 6: child to maybe have success, what we have is that
• 55:50
  Speaker 6: opportunity to build resilience because it's through the striving and
• 55:54
  Speaker 6: striving and striving and then succeeding that our kids build
• 55:57
  Speaker 6: that resilience. And the issue with modern kids is that
• 56:01
  Speaker 6: they don't get as many opportunities to build frustration tolerance
• 56:04
  Speaker 6: because they live in an on demand world. So their
• 56:07
  Speaker 6: TV is on demand. They don't know how to rewind
• 56:09
  Speaker 6: a DVD like what you did. Their life is a
• 56:13
  Speaker 6: little bit easier. And so as parents, when we can
• 56:15
  Speaker 6: step back from fixing or solving their problems, like when
• 56:19
  Speaker 6: we set a boundary and say that's it, no more
• 56:22
  Speaker 6: screen time and our kids get upset, it's not stepping
• 56:25
  Speaker 6: in to fix.
• 56:26
  Speaker 4: That or solve that or stop that. For our kids.
• 56:28
  Speaker 6: We're allowing them to feel the discomfort or the frustration
• 56:31
  Speaker 6: of the boundary, and that's what builds that frustration tolerance.
• 56:35
  Speaker 6: That's what builds resilience long term.
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: Jen There's something that I get when we talk, and
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: it's the fact that I feel like I can run
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: through a brick wall slash parent my kids.
• 56:45
  Speaker 3: That's resilience kids. I want to pair them right now.
• 56:50
  Speaker 4: That is good. I like that. Thank you very much,
• 56:52
  Speaker 4: Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Jen, And you're welcome back anytime please.
• 56:57
  Speaker 3: And when we say that.
• 57:02
  Speaker 5: To be honest, man, I don't know where to start.
• 57:04
  Speaker 5: The empathy sandwich is definitely something I'm going to try
• 57:06
  Speaker 5: with the kids.
• 57:07
  Speaker 3: I'm used to get the lie to me.
• 57:09
  Speaker 5: Well, I'm used to getting a shit sandwich, so empathy
• 57:10
  Speaker 5: sandwich sounds much better.
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: We'll be honest with me right now. Look at me
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: in the eyes and tell me if you will be
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: using an empathy sandwich. Come on, I go, lie, I'll try.
• 57:22
  Speaker 2: I forgot the ingredients already.
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: So hey, the good news is Ash, I know you're
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: a little bit worked up about the fact that Oscar
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: does like to lie to you. May also is a
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: bit of a bit of a liar at the moment,
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: but it's nice to know it's coming from a good place, right.
• 57:35
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm confused because he's a liar, but his pants
• 57:39
  Speaker 5: don't seem to be on fire.
• 57:40
  Speaker 4: Go back?
• 57:42
  Speaker 3: Why is this enjoyed? This episode?
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: We would love it is a new request that I have.
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: It's no longer to review, although I still want reviews.
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: What I want you to do right now is subscribe
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: to us. So if you listen to this podcast and
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: you don't subscribe, you don't get the episodes delivered directly
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: in your podcast inbox every week.
• 58:02
  Speaker 3: Do it right now.
• 58:03
  Speaker 5: And if you want to get in touch with Jen,
• 58:05
  Speaker 5: whether it's for a book, the cards, awesome one on
• 58:07
  Speaker 5: one parenting help, We'll have the details in the show
• 58:09
  Speaker 5: Notes of a Life.
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: And also on social media, please follow us TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook,
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: the works.
• 58:16
  Speaker 3: Let's go, Let's get out of here.
• 58:18
  Speaker 9: I'm hungry for an empathy sandwich, Goodbye.
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: Two Doting Dads. Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: throughout Australia and the connections to land, see and community.
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
• 58:46
  Speaker 2: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadagle Land