Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / Ep. 1 Breaking Free from Dysfunction and Embarking on a Journey of Self-Love: My Story
Transcript
- 0:00Tammy Vincent: Hello, my special friends welcome to episode one. I am super excited. Today we're going to talk about how I got here. So somebody asked me, When was the moment that you realize that you had lived with too much dysfunction and that things were not quite right. Obviously, I knew throughout my life as things were happening to me and I was being locked in closets and beaten, and my parents were getting DUIs. And I was having to dress my mom for work, and Cohen sick and all that good stuff that goes around having to alcoholic parents. So obviously, I realized that there was dysfunction in my life. But it wasn't until I was 26 years old, that I actually realized the severity of the impact that it had on me. So I'm sitting there, I'm newly married, my husband is getting ready to go to Turkey for a six month tour. And I'm pregnant. And I'm in the rocking chair sitting in my nursery and I've got one hand on my belly. And in the other hand, I'm holding the book love you forever. Now, if you've never read that book, it is a very touching story about a mother's unconditional love for her son. Now I'm sitting there rocking and I am bawling like a baby. Now, you might be wondering, why you bawling? I mean, yes, it's a cute story. It was funny, it was cute. It was sad. I mean, it was all that stuff. But what happened at that moment was I got hit with a frickin ton of bricks. Because I realized at that moment that I didn't know what unconditional love was, I had never experienced it. I had never given it, I had never received it. And I was quite certain at that time. Two things. Not only was I not would I not know if it hit me. But also I didn't think that I was capable of giving it to someone else. I figured if I don't even know how to love, how am I going to love this little baby in my stomach.
- 1:45I realized at that point in my life, a couple of things. And I realized one I have two jobs for this child and one is to love it. And one is to keep it safe. And I was pretty sure I could keep it safe because I wasn't going to let it go through any of the stuff that I went through. But I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to love it. And that scared me to death. So as I'm bawling, I literally woke up the next morning and I'm still crying. I'm super upset. I don't know what to do. So I did the only logical thing I thought how can I test my ability to love so went out and bought a puppy. I mean, what better way to test your ability to love than to have a brand new puppy. So when I went out and I got myself a little Shih Tzu, his name was fat man, because we had another dog named Jake, that's a whole nother story. But we had Jake and the fat man. And when I brought this little puppy home that night, I was sitting there, and I was holding her holding him in my hands. And literally, my heart melted. For the first time in 26 years, I experienced unconditional love. It was something I had never felt, but I knew I was going to be okay. One, I knew I was going to be able to love the baby in my belly like that. And too, I, I assumed with enough work that I was going to be able to learn to love myself like that. You know, they always say and you've always heard them say you can't love someone until you love yourself. Well, I'm going to argue with that a little bit. Because I truly believe you can love someone before you truly love yourself. However, if you don't truly love yourself, and you're not being your real self, and you're not being authentic and true to yourself, then you're loving them under false pretenses because you're not allowing them to know the real you. That's kind of how I feel about it. But anyway, I knew I was going to be okay.
- 3:27So I started learning everything I could about my situation. And I all I could think of was, if this has damaged my ability or my knowledge of love so deeply. What else has gone on? What else is this kind of dysfunction done to me. So back then they didn't have the internet. I wish they had I could have Googled, you know, suicide and what to do about being sad and what to do when your parents drink too much, and what to do when you're lonely. And I could have Googled of a million different things. But back then all we had was the library, and encyclopedias. So I remember going to the Wayne County Library, every single day almost from opens up close. And I went to what now is the Self Help section. But back then was the psychology section. And I started pouring into everything I could read. I read everything about addiction and alcoholism and self esteem and suicide and what causes it and the more I read, the more I realized that I really needed help. I realized that life had just really taken a toll on me and that my traits and the way I was and my coping skills and my anxiety and my stress and my bleeding ulcers, all of that stemmed back to my childhood, which I was barely out of. I was only 26 So I'd only been out of my childhood for really eight years anyway, but I realized that that's where it got me. So again, I went to a psychologist, I started going to therapy. I went to talk therapy I went to they sent me to dream therapy for nightmares I was having. I got hypnotized. I did. Every single thing I could think of. I joined Al Anon groups and Alateen groups, even though I was too old, I still went just to say, I went to a COA meetings I did everything I could think of. And I started on this journey. And let me tell you, my friends, it has been a journey. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. I look at all the things that I could say, you know, I was doing back then that I was doing that 29 years ago. And I'm not that person that standing here today. Not even close. I used to be a doormat, I would let anybody walk all over me I was such a people pleaser. I didn't know what boundaries were. And I did have to apologize for my children for not giving them any because I was still at the beginning stages. But I had to learn all of this stuff. I grew up with narcissistic parents. So I had to learn not to be codependent, I had to learn so much of this stuff, but I did it. I did it over 29 years.
- 6:05So you know, last year in 2022, I wrote my first book surviving alcoholic parents. And it's actually a teens ABC Guide To Helping children thrive. It's called Surviving alcoholic parents and teens ABC guide to thriving in the world of chaos. And what I wanted to do is I wanted to help children, I wanted to help children kind of undo some of the damage before it was done. Because throughout this journey, I realized how much damage was done and that I didn't have self esteem. And then I didn't, you know, that I had all these people pleasing skills, and that I had so much anxiety and didn't know how to self soothe and didn't know how to regulate my nervous system and didn't know how to do any of this. So after I learned it all, I thought, Now is the time. And in 2022, when I wrote my book, I've, I've now committed my life to helping other people, whether it's adult children of dysfunction, or children going through it right now. I just feel like we all need a chance. Some people when you're so beaten down as a young child, you lose that inner self, you lose that divine, perfect creature that came about when you were born. I mean, we were all born this divine, perfect creature. And when you're getting beat down, you're, you're that divine perfect creature is getting very deeper and deeper and deeper. And it's not coming out. It's not joyful. It's your life is literally being reprogrammed by everything around you. And I want people to be able to feel that that joyful, divine young creature, again, you know that that person inside of them that we all have, we were all born perfect. And we were all born born joyful and happy. And like I said, it's life that beats you down. And people when they get beat down, they spend their whole lives if they don't truly feel that they are worthy. They spend their whole lives, looking for external things to make them happy. So they look to not upset anybody and they look to take care of everybody else. Because as long as everybody else's needs are met, they feel that their needs are going to be met. I'm sitting here wondering now, does this resonate with anybody? Because I'm sure it does, it can almost not. If you've grown up with that kind of dysfunction.
- 8:26But anyway, I wasn't ready to share my message when I was 26. When I started on my healing journey, I wasn't there. It would have just been my own therapy. At that point. I didn't have tools to calm I didn't know about regulating my nervous system. I didn't understand all of the things that I've learned through 30 years of healing and practicing and, and mindfulness and yoga. And, you know, journaling, and I didn't know I didn't have these tools 30 years ago, and it took me a long time. It was you know, 10 years ago, even if I had told my story, I would have broken down and cry. You know, I couldn't at that point, say, you know, my mom put me out to drug dealers with a smile on my face. Yes, I still don't smile about it. But I can talk about it casually without it being my issue. And so now I'm here 30 years later, and I want to help you and help everybody that is going through stuff, share their issues and get through their issues. Guys, I feel like this function is the norm. It's not the exception to the rule. It is the rule. So if you look left, right, up, down around, probably everybody around you has suffered some kind of dysfunction. But it's the deep dysfunction and it's the over, over and over again dysfunction. That really takes a toll on your body, your mind and your soul. And that's what we're here to do together. That's what we're going to work on. That's what we're going to hear about is these courageous stories of what people did to get out what people did feel more confident. I mean, I look at me now and I have control of my own life. If I want to do something, I do it. If I'm, if I go to say something, I don't think I mean to an appoint, I don't think what are people going to think of that? Or am I going to be accepted? Or are people going to like me, I know who I am. And if people don't like me, I don't care. Not everybody is your people. Not everybody's going to be and that's just something that you have to come to terms with. So I want to be here with everybody. And I want to get everybody to that point. I want to get people to the points that when they look at all these things, and take a moral inventory and a physical inventory, and a spiritual inventory of what's going on in their lives, that they're at peace with all of them with everything, your body, your mind and your soul. So that's what we're here to do. We're here to get everybody to that other side. I am super excited to do it with you guys. I can't do it alone. You can't do it alone. Believe me. I tried to do it alone. I was a hot mess. Let me repeat that a hot mess.
- 11:11So if you resonate again, subscribe. super glad to be here. Super excited to get started on this journey. I know this only episode one. But we got a lot more coming my friends. Thanks. Have a great day.