Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #584 David Campbell Hits the Right Notes in Parenting

Transcript

#584 David Campbell Hits the Right Notes in Parenting · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now well, as we prepare for Father's Day this Sunday,
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Speaker 2: I'm so excited to be able to talk with some
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Speaker 2: pretty high profile and really interesting dads about what it
0:19
Speaker 2: is to be a dad, what's meaningful for them as
0:21
Speaker 2: a dad, and what dadhood has done to their lives.
0:24
Speaker 2: Today A conversation with somebody that I've been able to
0:27
Speaker 2: share the television screen with dozens, if not maybe one
0:30
Speaker 2: hundred times or something over the last few years. David Campbell,
0:33
Speaker 2: one of Australia's most popular entertainers, multi platinum selling recording artist,
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Speaker 2: the host of Today Extra. What I didn't know until
0:41
Speaker 2: I sort of got to know David a little bit
0:42
Speaker 2: more is not only can he sing, but he's done
0:45
Speaker 2: some pretty amazing musical theater. He's been involved with the
0:47
Speaker 2: Sydney Theater Company, he worked at the Sydney Opera House,
0:50
Speaker 2: been in a major revival of Lem Miz and has
0:53
Speaker 2: even worked doing I think it was David, forgive me
0:57
Speaker 2: if I get this wrong, doing cabaret in New York?
1:00
Speaker 2: Is that right?
1:01
Speaker 3: Yeah?
1:02
Speaker 1: I did Cabaret in New York after lam As, I'll
1:05
Speaker 1: fig mate, So I'm just giving my son his treat.
1:07
Speaker 3: I'll go there, you go, I did.
1:10
Speaker 1: I did lame Aserra and then I went to New
1:12
Speaker 1: York and did cabaret, and that's where I sort of
1:14
Speaker 1: really those two things sort of started to get me
1:16
Speaker 1: known in the industry, both here and in America.
1:19
Speaker 2: So for people who are not quite as cultured, what
1:22
Speaker 2: is cabaret.
1:23
Speaker 1: Cabaret is a really it's basically just an old school
1:25
Speaker 1: art form. People would know it better as unplugged. If
1:28
Speaker 1: in a modern parlance, it's I see it more as
1:31
Speaker 1: that too. Is whenever an artist strips down to basic
1:34
Speaker 1: essential storytelling with either a guitar or a piano, it's
1:38
Speaker 1: really intimate. Usually it's smaller rooms, and it's really something
1:42
Speaker 1: that came out of the German and French scene in
1:44
Speaker 1: the thirties and forties, the Weimar time. It could be
1:47
Speaker 1: anything from burlesque to Tony Bennett to even Jimmy Barnes,
1:52
Speaker 1: you know, with an acoustic guitar, so it can take
1:55
Speaker 1: many art forms. In America, it was traditionally done with
1:58
Speaker 1: the American popular sombok sols for the twenties thirties and
2:01
Speaker 1: fourties and fifties, Gershwin, Coldporter, et cetera.
2:04
Speaker 2: And people love you like you've got rave reviews in
2:07
Speaker 2: New York City. I mean, if you can make it there,
2:09
Speaker 2: you can make it anywhere. That's what they say, so
2:11
Speaker 2: they tell me, and I.
2:13
Speaker 1: Think that there is a matter of truth to that,
2:15
Speaker 1: and I think that what I've learned in retrospect looking
2:18
Speaker 1: back on that time, is that if you can weather
2:20
Speaker 1: the storm's there, it teaches you how to weather.
2:23
Speaker 3: The rest of the industry.
2:24
Speaker 1: I'm actually dubious about whether making it there, make it
2:27
Speaker 1: anywhere is actually still fact in New York anymore. And
2:29
Speaker 1: I think it's quite the center of the universe. It
2:31
Speaker 1: pertains to be in the industry. But definitely something like
2:35
Speaker 1: that is really a trial by fire about how to
2:39
Speaker 1: survive the industry and how to find yourself.
2:41
Speaker 2: So, David, you said, there's a lot of storms that
2:44
Speaker 2: you've got to survive to make it in the music
2:47
Speaker 2: beiers and in the show show business arena. There's also
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Speaker 2: a whole lot of storms in family life. And that's
2:52
Speaker 2: what we're going to talk about with you today in
2:54
Speaker 2: this conversation as we lean into father's stay just before
2:56
Speaker 2: we go there though, and I hit you with my
2:58
Speaker 2: lightning round and all the questions that I want to
3:00
Speaker 2: know about you. Being a dad of three kids, you've
3:03
Speaker 2: recently written a children's book, My Tooth is Loth, Well
3:07
Speaker 2: with a lift, my tooth is louth. I'm guessing based
3:11
Speaker 2: on I mean, I've read the book and it's it's
3:14
Speaker 2: really fun. I'm guessing that you've got some kids that
3:16
Speaker 2: went through some tooth trauma.
3:17
Speaker 4: Yeah, we did.
3:18
Speaker 3: We had to do a lot of tooth trauma.
3:20
Speaker 1: And what I loved about that title in retrospect now
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Speaker 1: that I've made it is that I've made amazing people
3:25
Speaker 1: like you and you know, Patricia Carvella say my.
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Speaker 3: Tooth is looth.
3:31
Speaker 1: That's been a real joint. That's been a little token
3:34
Speaker 1: for me. Post release of the book, we started with
3:37
Speaker 1: Stupid Carrots, which is about kids not eating the dinner
3:41
Speaker 1: that they're given, and then went to Bedtimes Boring was
3:43
Speaker 1: about my twins as twin bunnies. Bedtime is Boring was
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Speaker 1: about my son not wanting to go to bed on time,
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Speaker 1: and My Tooth is Loose was about.
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Speaker 3: Both twin bunnies. So it's a trilogy.
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Speaker 1: Now kids have different reactions to growing, you know, and
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Speaker 1: I think that you have to be open to all
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Speaker 1: of them. And when you have twins, you see both sides.
4:02
Speaker 1: And this is exactly how both kids reacted to it.
4:05
Speaker 1: Billy was very nervous. He didn't want loose his teeth.
4:07
Speaker 1: He'd already lost a tooth pulled out by a dentist
4:11
Speaker 1: because of an incident in a monkey bars, so he
4:15
Speaker 1: had already had a lost tooth and was quite paranoid
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Speaker 1: about it. Whereas Betty was like, are we going to
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Speaker 1: get money for this? Because I will rip every tooth
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Speaker 1: out of my head today. So it's that sort of
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Speaker 1: you know, yin and yang of my twins, which I
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Speaker 1: think a lot of kids go through those things.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I was laughing as I was reading it,
4:31
Speaker 2: because having had six children myself, I'm thinking I've been
4:34
Speaker 2: through this. I've got the child who is literally so
4:37
Speaker 2: money obsessed at such a young age, like, just give
4:40
Speaker 2: me the string, just give me the door handle. I'm
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Speaker 2: ready for this. Just let's get rid of that tooth.
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Speaker 2: And the other ones who literally won't go to sleep
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Speaker 2: in case it falls out in their sleep and they
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Speaker 2: swallow it and they're terrified of the blood and all
4:50
Speaker 2: that kind of thing. My tooth is luth one of
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Speaker 2: three children's books written by David Campbell. David, are you
4:58
Speaker 2: ready for a lightning round about be being.
5:00
Speaker 3: A dad more than anything in the world?
5:02
Speaker 2: All right, that is quite ready, That is quite ready.
5:06
Speaker 2: Tell us how many kids you have and how old
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Speaker 2: they are?
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Speaker 3: I have three kids. They are twelve and twins are seven.
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Speaker 1: And a half.
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Speaker 2: I can't believe he's twelve.
5:13
Speaker 3: He would have been what eighteen months two years when
5:14
Speaker 3: I first met you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's yeah, that's staggering to me. Do you have
5:18
Speaker 2: a favorite child?
5:20
Speaker 3: No.
5:20
Speaker 1: I used to think that was the thing. My wife
5:22
Speaker 1: and I were both I was kind of brought up
5:24
Speaker 1: as an only child until I met my brothers and
5:26
Speaker 1: sisters on my dad's side, and my wife is an
5:28
Speaker 1: only child, and we always thought that maybe it was
5:30
Speaker 1: a thing.
5:31
Speaker 3: And then you realize love just multiplies.
5:33
Speaker 2: That's beautiful. Who do you love the most then, your
5:35
Speaker 2: wife or your kids?
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Speaker 3: I love my wife the most because she provided the
5:40
Speaker 3: kids for me and keeps them.
5:41
Speaker 2: Safe, very nicely done. Here's a tricky one for you.
5:46
Speaker 2: What's the ideal number of kids for you?
5:48
Speaker 3: Well?
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Speaker 1: This is it. This is the ideal number. We were
5:51
Speaker 1: aiming for two. It was only because there are twins
5:54
Speaker 1: on my wife's side that we got three. But I
5:55
Speaker 1: think three is great.
5:57
Speaker 2: So you're saying that the ideal number was too but
5:59
Speaker 2: then you had three, so that the ideal number is
6:01
Speaker 2: Is that what I'm hearing?
6:02
Speaker 1: Yes, Yes, it's the Dan Savage round. Anything up to
6:05
Speaker 1: the perfect ten score. So the perfect was two, and
6:08
Speaker 1: of course I had three, So it's the perfect is three?
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Speaker 2: Got it? For interest's sake. I'm the eldest of six myself.
6:14
Speaker 2: My mum had me, followed by twin girls, followed by
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Speaker 2: my brother, followed by twin girls.
6:21
Speaker 3: Wow. See, you're the reason why I got a prosectomy.
6:23
Speaker 3: That story just there, justin is the reason.
6:26
Speaker 1: When my wife was being rolled into the hospital with
6:30
Speaker 1: our twins, she looked me and said, you're on this
6:32
Speaker 1: bed next, buddy.
6:33
Speaker 3: And she was right.
6:34
Speaker 2: How do you rate yourself as a parent, David?
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Speaker 1: I give myself a strong seven point three. I try
6:41
Speaker 1: really hard. I make a lot of mistakes, and I
6:43
Speaker 1: try to own those mistakes with my kids so that
6:46
Speaker 1: they'll be better parents sometime in the future.
6:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like a strong seven point three. Based
6:51
Speaker 2: on some of the other answers we've had in Lightning rounds,
6:52
Speaker 2: that sounds pretty solid. Recently, I finished reading two of
6:57
Speaker 2: your dad's books, Working Class Boy and Working Class Man.
7:00
Speaker 3: Your Dad, I'm sorry for the trauma that that brought up.
7:03
Speaker 2: It was pretty flow on your dad. For those who
7:05
Speaker 2: were not familiar, is the one and only Jimmy Barnes,
7:08
Speaker 2: former lead singer of Cold Chisel, and he had a
7:11
Speaker 2: breathtakingly traumatic childhood. Staggering to read what he went through
7:15
Speaker 2: as he grew up in the northern suburbs of Adelaide
7:17
Speaker 2: and Elizabeth, and then you were conceived. He didn't even
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Speaker 2: know about you, and you were raised by your mum's
7:26
Speaker 2: parents and they taught you essentially that they were your parents. Correct.
7:31
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was really only my grandmother, my grand her
7:34
Speaker 1: and my grandfather had split at that time. Huh.
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Speaker 3: And my dad kind of he didn't know about me.
7:38
Speaker 3: He acknowledged that I existed, but he just wasn't a
7:40
Speaker 3: part of my life.
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Speaker 1: He was off being in a band and that was
7:44
Speaker 1: that lifestyle, and it was very much you know, we're
7:47
Speaker 1: talking the early seventies, so it's not we can't look
7:50
Speaker 1: at it with twenty twenty two glasses, So he did
7:52
Speaker 1: what he did. But yeah, I was raised by my
7:55
Speaker 1: grandmother to think that she was my mother and that
7:57
Speaker 1: my mother was my sister, and I didn't know.
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Speaker 3: Who my father was.
8:00
Speaker 2: So the lightning round question associated with that history, which
8:03
Speaker 2: is kind of important. So the question can be answered well,
8:06
Speaker 2: and it's a bit of a tricky one.
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Speaker 1: I think.
8:08
Speaker 2: But what's something great that your dad did that you've
8:12
Speaker 2: tried to continue in your parenting.
8:14
Speaker 1: Keep his children close, Keep the children that he had
8:17
Speaker 1: with Jane as close as he can. And he took
8:21
Speaker 1: them on the road or he you know, he moved around,
8:24
Speaker 1: but they were always with him. And even though that
8:27
Speaker 1: might have messed me up when I was a teenager
8:28
Speaker 1: because I also wanted to be in that family, I
8:31
Speaker 1: actually had the value of that now that I have
8:33
Speaker 1: my own kids. So yeah, keeping your kids close to
8:36
Speaker 1: you is something that he is very much a part of.
8:39
Speaker 1: And Jane is too, you know, she comes from a
8:41
Speaker 1: Thai family who are extremely close.
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Speaker 2: I love that answer for its generosity. Thank you for that, David.
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Speaker 2: Who's the better parent you or Lisa?
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Speaker 1: Oh?
8:51
Speaker 3: I definitely think Lisa is the better parent.
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Speaker 1: She's calmer, she's probably more emotionally intelligent than I am,
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Speaker 1: and you know, but we both learn lessons from each other,
9:01
Speaker 1: and we both are open to each other's parenting style
9:05
Speaker 1: and try to support each other as much as we can.
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Speaker 1: We do believe in co parenting, and we do believe
9:10
Speaker 1: that that is a very important role. So but she
9:14
Speaker 1: is definitely She's definitely an eight point nine.
9:16
Speaker 3: If I'm mist every point three very good.
9:18
Speaker 2: What's the hardest thing. What's the hardest thing about being
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Speaker 2: a dad?
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Speaker 1: The hardest thing about being a dad, I think is patience.
9:26
Speaker 1: The hardest thing I think about being a dad is vulnerability.
9:30
Speaker 4: The hardest thing about being a dad is allowing yourself
9:35
Speaker 4: to not repeat the bad stuff that your parents taught you,
9:39
Speaker 4: and to understand that when it seeps through, you have
9:41
Speaker 4: to forgive it.
9:43
Speaker 2: If you can spend an hour with your kids, David,
9:46
Speaker 2: at any age, which age would you choose and why?
9:50
Speaker 3: Any age? Yeah?
9:51
Speaker 2: Would you have them as babies again? Would you have
9:52
Speaker 2: them as like forty year olds? What age would you pick?
9:55
Speaker 2: And why?
9:56
Speaker 3: I wouldn't go back to babies again? I think once
9:57
Speaker 3: you've had twin babies, no, the.
10:00
Speaker 1: Twin experience of having babies was really hard on my
10:04
Speaker 1: older child. I think we lost a bit of you know,
10:07
Speaker 1: you're just so in the trenches with twin babies, and
10:10
Speaker 1: we didn't have the support that a lot of other
10:13
Speaker 1: families had, so we did it quite a lot on
10:14
Speaker 1: our own.
10:16
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wouldn't go back to that again. I like
10:18
Speaker 3: the ages that they're getting to now. I like molding
10:21
Speaker 3: humans for the better.
10:23
Speaker 1: I like the idea of putting better people in the world,
10:26
Speaker 1: more empathetic people in the world.
10:28
Speaker 3: I like the fact that we're going to leave the
10:30
Speaker 3: planet behind better than we found it.
10:32
Speaker 2: Okay, so you're going with kids about the age that
10:34
Speaker 2: they are now twelve and seven, Yeah.
10:35
Speaker 4: I like it.
10:36
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I've missed any experiences with my kids.
10:39
Speaker 1: I like each experience as it goes along, and I
10:41
Speaker 1: like what I learned from it and what I can
10:44
Speaker 1: get from it.
10:45
Speaker 2: What's the ultimate joy for you as a parent sitting.
10:48
Speaker 3: Back and watching them do something independently.
10:50
Speaker 1: I've always loved it watching whether that's team sports, or
10:54
Speaker 1: my kids do dance, or my son plays piano, or
10:58
Speaker 1: you know, when they pick up things, or if they're
10:59
Speaker 1: playing with friends by themselves. Even when there are babies
11:03
Speaker 1: I love sitting in the park and watching them play
11:06
Speaker 1: with other kids. I love watching the things you've created
11:10
Speaker 1: actually not need you and to be completely independent. I
11:14
Speaker 1: think that's that's wonderful.
11:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, David, Normally you're asking me the questions and I'm answering.
11:20
Speaker 2: I'm really enjoying having you in the hot seat here.
11:22
Speaker 2: I'm going to ask you a question that you have
11:24
Speaker 2: actually asked me on today.
11:26
Speaker 3: Extra Oh boy, okay, it's fair paper.
11:29
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is a parenting expert question. It's one that
11:31
Speaker 2: I get all the time. What's the right age for
11:33
Speaker 2: kids to have a mobile phone? David?
11:35
Speaker 1: Not until they're at least thirteen to fifteen, depending on
11:38
Speaker 1: the child and depending on their circumstances. If they are
11:41
Speaker 1: going on a school bus, or they're traveling on public transport,
11:44
Speaker 1: or they need to walk a long distance to school.
11:47
Speaker 3: I think that's the fair time to have it. Anything else,
11:49
Speaker 3: their brains are not yet ready to go. My kids
11:53
Speaker 3: have iPads for school, and even.
11:55
Speaker 1: Then, I don't love it that my son is spread
11:59
Speaker 1: for a phone because all of it his friends have
12:00
Speaker 1: science and we're just go, no, you're not going to
12:03
Speaker 1: have one.
12:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're going through the same thing without twelve year old,
12:06
Speaker 2: right now, what's that thing that maybe it was your
12:10
Speaker 2: your grandma who you thought was your mom, Maybe it
12:12
Speaker 2: was actually your mom or your dad. What's that thing
12:15
Speaker 2: that your parents always said that you swore you would
12:18
Speaker 2: never say, but you keep on saying it. Anyway.
12:21
Speaker 3: It's actually not what they said.
12:24
Speaker 2: That's what they did.
12:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, my grandmother was when you didn't do what she
12:30
Speaker 1: asked you to do. She was very loving and very strong.
12:32
Speaker 1: She was a war baby from London. She went through
12:35
Speaker 1: a lot. She went she lived through a lot of
12:36
Speaker 1: trauma in her life. She was raised through trauma, she
12:40
Speaker 1: was adopted. You know, she had a lot of intergenerational
12:42
Speaker 1: trauma that she was handing down. And I, you know,
12:45
Speaker 1: she's still alive, and I want to be respectful and
12:49
Speaker 1: careful of that.
12:50
Speaker 3: But she would be withholding of affections if you were
12:53
Speaker 3: in trouble.
12:54
Speaker 1: You know, I often felt, and I'm a needy child anyway,
12:59
Speaker 1: but I often felt if I did something wrong that
13:01
Speaker 1: the tap of love would be turned off.
13:05
Speaker 3: And so when I parent now.
13:08
Speaker 1: I can feel the tap turning and so I have
13:12
Speaker 1: to struggle with that, or I have to sit down
13:14
Speaker 1: with them and explain, Hey, what I meant by this
13:18
Speaker 1: is this, or how I feel about what your behavior
13:20
Speaker 1: is is this? And so I have to push through
13:22
Speaker 1: my own pasted on trauma and you know, to go
13:30
Speaker 1: and residual trauma, to go through that and say to them,
13:33
Speaker 1: I'm acting this way not because I'm disappointed in you
13:35
Speaker 1: or not because I don't love you, but I need
13:37
Speaker 1: you to change your behavior because of this, because it's
13:40
Speaker 1: dangerous or whatever.
13:41
Speaker 2: Psychologists call that conditional parental regard, and it's harmful to kids.
13:46
Speaker 2: I really really can can do damage as you can attest.
13:51
Speaker 3: And I'm frightened over justin you know, it is there.
13:54
Speaker 3: I can acknowledge it, and it frightens me.
13:57
Speaker 2: What's your kid's favorite thing to do with you?
14:01
Speaker 1: They like to make us laugh. So what I am though,
14:04
Speaker 1: what I have been given is probably my time in
14:07
Speaker 1: New York. A little bit for my grandmother is that
14:10
Speaker 1: I am a really tough audience member. So when I
14:13
Speaker 1: do crack up, that's They're like, that's gone. He's laughing
14:18
Speaker 1: because Lisa's very gogarious and laughs at you know, she's
14:21
Speaker 1: wonderful like that.
14:22
Speaker 3: Whereas I'm like, that was funny, kid, good job. You
14:25
Speaker 3: should call an agent you.
14:26
Speaker 1: Know what I mean. Like, I'm like, so I'm always
14:28
Speaker 1: pushing them to go, like, good joke, can you try
14:30
Speaker 1: it better?
14:31
Speaker 3: And so when they get me, they know they've got me.
14:33
Speaker 5: And I will be like my daughter got me on
14:36
Speaker 5: the weekend with something and I look away and I'm
14:40
Speaker 5: like trying to like not look at her, but I
14:43
Speaker 5: am crying and I can't talk.
14:45
Speaker 3: And that's they love that.
14:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's great. What are you most looking forward
14:50
Speaker 2: to as a parent.
14:51
Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to when they're all older and a
14:55
Speaker 1: little bit more independent, but choose to come to us
14:59
Speaker 1: and choose to either as a teenager to come to
15:01
Speaker 1: us and talk to us, or choose to come and
15:04
Speaker 1: share their lives with us. Like you know, we love
15:06
Speaker 1: being on We were just on vacation with my sister
15:08
Speaker 1: for her Affordian and we chose that.
15:11
Speaker 3: I love that sort of idea that our own kids
15:14
Speaker 3: will choose to be.
15:15
Speaker 1: With us we get older, you know, because I get
15:18
Speaker 1: the fact that you're going to miss them. I get
15:19
Speaker 1: the fact that you know they have to go, they
15:21
Speaker 1: have to have their experiences, but I hope they have
15:24
Speaker 1: the desire to come back and share their experiences with us.
15:28
Speaker 3: And tell us all about it.
15:29
Speaker 2: Last two questions. If you could go back to you
15:32
Speaker 2: as a young David Campbell, young parent having one of
15:35
Speaker 2: those tough moments, being completely inexperienced, what advice would you
15:38
Speaker 2: give yourself to go.
15:40
Speaker 3: For a walk, walk it out, walk it out, breathe.
15:44
Speaker 1: It's your own anxiety here, it's your own trauma coming through.
15:48
Speaker 1: Just walk away, take a deep breath, come back, smile
15:52
Speaker 1: and look at the moment that you're in because that
15:54
Speaker 1: moment will not be there forever.
15:57
Speaker 2: Last question, what's your biggest win as a dad?
16:00
Speaker 1: That they're polite, good confident kids, but they look people
16:06
Speaker 1: in the eyes, that they are engaged, that they are
16:09
Speaker 1: curious about life, that they're artistically curious, and that they
16:14
Speaker 1: want that they are just desperate to suck at the
16:17
Speaker 1: marrow of life.
16:18
Speaker 3: That is the biggest win.
16:19
Speaker 2: Lisa and I both that David Campbell, it sounds like
16:22
Speaker 2: you're a fabulous dad with a beautiful family. Thanks so
16:24
Speaker 2: much for joining me on the Happy Family podcast.
16:27
Speaker 3: Justin this is very unusual. Next time I ask the questions,
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Speaker 3: I'll let.
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Speaker 2: You go and grab those kids from their Kumon Maths
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Speaker 2: tutoring session hashtag not sponsored and Happy Father's Day as well. David,
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Speaker 2: thanks for joining us on the pod. The Happy Family's
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Speaker 2: podcast is produced by Justin Rawan from Bridge Media. Craig
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Speaker 2: Bruce is our executive producer and if you'd like more
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Speaker 2: information about how to make your family happier, you can
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Speaker 2: visit happy families dot com dot au