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Transcript

How to Stop Your Toddler's Tantrums by Regulating YOUR Nervous System · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is your toddler having big tantrums that you cannot seem to figure out how to stop?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with your toddler.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: You've just been solving the wrong problem.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Every parenting expert tells you what to say during a tantrum, the scripts, the validation phrases, the calm voice, and none of it works consistently.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because your toddler doesn't respond to your words, they respond to your nervous system.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: In the next few minutes, I'm gonna show you what's really happening during tantrums and the one thing that you can change today that makes them shorter, less intense, and far less triggering for both of you.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's begin by setting the stage here.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your toddler melts down again at the grocery store in the car seat, while getting dressed, maybe while you're leaving the park.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you try everything.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: You use all the scripts, you validate their feelings.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: You may say things like, I see you're upset, you want it to stay longer.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So you stay calm on the outside, speaking softly, keeping the body language open.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then they scream louder and longer and harder, and you start to spiral, of course.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: What is wrong here?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: What am I doing wrong?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this work for all these other parents?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Is my child just more difficult?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Am I making this worse?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And by the end of this tantrum, you are exhausted.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're in tears.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you lose it and you yell.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then the guilt hits.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: What is wrong with me?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I should be able to handle this.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I am the adult here.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the cost of all this, well, the tantrums are probably taking over your life.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're likely avoiding situations that might trigger one.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you are losing your patience more and more.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: You might be starting to resent the very child that you love so deeply.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kate Kripke, a maternal mental health specialist and parenting coach.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And for over 20 years, I have worked with moms of toddlers who felt like they were failing because nothing they tried was working.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And here is what I've learned.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: The parents whose kids' tantrums improved the fastest, they weren't using better scripts.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: They were regulating their nervous systems first.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So in this video, I'm gonna show you three things.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna show you why your toddlers' tantrums keep escalating, what's happening inside their nervous system, and the exact shift that makes everything calmer starting today.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with probably the most important thing here to understand.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Your toddler is actually borrowing your panic.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: When your toddler starts melting down, what happens in your body?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, your heart probably races, your breath gets shallow, your muscles get tense.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: You might actually feel panic or urgency or desperation to make it stop.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know I did when my kids were little.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: The thing is, though, that your toddler feels all of this, then it confirms to their nervous system that something is wrong, that this is an emergency.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so what happens?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: They escalate.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what no one tells you your calm words don't work when your nervous system is screaming danger.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have watched this happen in real time with hundreds of families.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: A toddler starts crying, and the mom's body immediately goes into fight or flight, even though she's using all the right techniques.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Her voice might be calm, but her heart is pounding.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Her words may be gentle, but her hands are really tense.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: The toddler doesn't hear the words, they feel the panic and then they match it.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Think of your nervous system like a megaphone that's broadcasting a signal.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Your toddler is tuned into that frequency.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you're broadcasting emergency, even while saying calm words, they receive emergency and their distress amplifies.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're broadcasting, we're safe.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is just big feelings.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: They receive that instead.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And their nervous system can finally begin to settle.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, next tantrum, before you do anything, pause and check in.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: What is my body doing right now?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Am I tense?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Is my breath shallow?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Is my jaw clenched?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's the signal your toddler is receiving, not your words.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why all the parenting scripts in the world won't work until you fix this one thing.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so the second thing I want you to know is that you're probably using control strategies, not co-regulation.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: When your toddler has a tantrum, your instinct is to make it stop because their distress triggers your distress.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you probably try to control the situation.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You try and distract them, you try and reason with them.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: You might try some bargaining or bribing.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: All of those are attempts to eliminate the tantrum so that you can feel safe again.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Your toddler feels that desperation, and desperation doesn't come, it escalates.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to help them regulate, you're trying to regulate yourself by stopping their tantrum and they know it.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I see this constantly with high-achieving moms.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: At work, they are incredible problem solvers.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Every challenge has a solution, but a toddler tantrum can't be solved.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: It actually has to be felt and moved through.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And when moms try to apply achievement brain to a tantrum, things like let me fix this, their urgency and frustration in their body signals danger to that toddler and the tantrum gets worse.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the shift.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to stop doing these things.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Stop trying every strategy frantically to make the crying stop.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Stop getting increasingly frustrated when nothing works.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And stop telling yourself that the tantrum is a problem that you failed to solve.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I want you to start doing this.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Start recognizing that your job isn't to stop the tantrum.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your job is to stay regulated while they move through it.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: They will.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Understand that tantrums aren't failures.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're how toddlers process these big, overwhelming emotions.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And check your motivation.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, am I doing this to help them or am I trying to make my own discomfort stop?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you understand co-regulation and how it works, there's one practice that changes everything about how tantrums unfold.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the regulated parent practice.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the shift.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna learn how to stay internally regulated during your child's tantrum so that they can borrow your calm nervous system.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And when you do this, tantrums become shorter, less intense, and stop triggering your emotional spiral.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: This works because toddlers co-regulate.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Their nervous system literally synchronizes with yours.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: So when you stay grounded and calm internally, not performing calm, but actually being calm, their nervous system receives the message we are safe and it can finally begin to settle.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean that the tantrum stops immediately, but it does mean that it resolves faster and doesn't escalate as intensely.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Think of yourself as an anchor in a storm.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Your toddler is being tossed by all these emotional waves that they can't control.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you're dragging around in the storm with them, panicking and trying to stop the waves, they stay chaotic.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: But if you anchor, if you stay steady, grounded, and present, they have something solid to hold on to.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: The storm still happens, but it passes faster.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: So here's something that I call the regulated parent protocol.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Next time your toddler has a tantrum, try this.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: First, pause before reacting.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just five seconds, okay?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Don't immediately try to fix it or stop it or manage it.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: This pause interrupts your automatic panic response.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Next, we're gonna regulate your body.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: So place one hand on your heart right there on your chest and take three of those deep breaths, the ones where your exhale is just a beat longer than your inhale.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: This breath tells your brain and body that there's no real crisis here, triggering your sympathetic nervous system, that's rest and digest, to come back online.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna breathe in for four and out for five.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Drop your shoulders, soften your face, and say silently to yourself, this is hard for them.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I am safe.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: They are safe.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Big feelings are normal.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Step three, get physically close and stay regulated.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sit down at their level.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: That signals I'm not in a rush and I'm not alarmed.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Stay near them, but don't force touch if they're pushing you away.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's totally okay.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Keep your body relaxed, and this is the key.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your presence says, I can handle your big feelings.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You're not too much for me.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Step four, say very little.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system is doing the work, not your words.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Try simple statements like, I'm right here, you are safe, I have got you.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's no reasoning, there's no bargaining, and there is definitely no explaining during the peak of the tantrum.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Save talking for after they've calmed down.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, step five, breathe slowly and wait.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Keep your breath slow and steady.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this regulates your vagus nerve, which calms your nervous system.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't rush them through it.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let the tantrum run its course while you stay calm and anchored.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I promise that if you can do this, the tantrum will pass so much quicker.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Here's why this works your toddler's nervous system is immature.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: They can't self-regulate yet.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: They need to borrow regulation from you.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So when your body is calm, their body receives that signal and their nervous system begins to down-regulate.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that when a parent stays physiologically calm during a child's distress, the child's cortisol, that stress hormone, it drops faster.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what changes with this practice.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Immediately, you'll feel less activated by the tantrum.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And with days of practicing this, tantrums peak faster and resolve sooner.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: With one to two weeks, tantrums become less frequent because your toddler's nervous system is learning to regulate more efficiently through repeated co-regulation with you.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And long term, your child develops better emotional regulation skills because they've practiced with a regulated co-regulator.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the hard truth: this requires you to tolerate your toddler's distress without trying to eliminate it.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that is the actual work.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Most parents can't do this because their own discomfort with their child's big emotions triggers urgency.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: But when you can sit in that discomfort and stay regulated, everything changes.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, as a reminder before we wrap up here, your toddler's tantrums aren't a behavior problem that you need to fix.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're an emotional regulation challenge that you need to co-regulate through.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And when you become the calm that they can borrow, tantrums lose their power over both of you.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you want more tools like this, practical neuroscience backed strategies for real parenting moments, subscribe to this channel.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're struggling with your own regulation and you want personalized support, check out the free assessment call in the description below.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: You do not need to figure out this alone.