Latest / Toxic Relationship Podcast / Stop Checking Your Narcissist's Social Media With God's Help

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Stop Checking Your Narcissist's Social Media With God's Help · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: You did not intend to become a detective.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: You wanted love.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: But you ended up at 11:47 p.m.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: enlarging a restaurant photo to identify a woman in the window.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: The FBI has fewer open tabs.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Toxic Relationships Podcast.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Today, 5 Ways to Stop Checking His Social Media With God's Help, with Pastor Jake O'Connell.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Jake, welcome back.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: I am glad to be here again.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: That opening hits home.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: Many of us have been that detective, searching for clues in social media.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: It's exhausting and painful.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Before we dive in, subscribe on YouTube.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Visit ShannonAlder.com for 20% off my next book coming July 2027.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's talk about the pain underneath the checking.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_03: The pain deserves tenderness.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_03: Whether you're checking a former boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, you may be looking for proof that you mattered or reassurance you haven't been replaced.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: But repeatedly checking accounts that leave you anxious, ashamed, or unable to sleep is unhealthy.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: It keeps directing your attention towards someone whose behavior already hurt you.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And low self-esteem can be part of what keeps that pattern going.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: You begin looking to their attention, regret, or loneliness for confirmation of your value.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: Even people who feel confident in other areas can lose confidence after a painful relationship.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: You may also be holding a frightening belief, I will never find anyone better.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: But that is a fear, not a prophecy.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: God sees possibilities you cannot see from your bedroom at midnight.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: You are worth more than the treatment you accepted.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: You are capable of choices that protect your dignity.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: And with God's help, you can stop handing your piece to someone else's latest post.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Here are five ways to begin.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: First, bring the question underneath the checking to God.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_03: Before you reach for your phone, ask, what am I hoping this search will tell me?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: Perhaps you want to know whether they are dating someone?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: But underneath that is, was I easy to replace?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps you want to know whether they mention you.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Underneath that is, did I matter?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Those questions are too important to leave in the hands of a comment section.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: A vacation photograph cannot explain a betrayal.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: It is not qualified.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: Psalm 62, verse 8 invites us to trust God and pour out our hearts before Him.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: You can say, Lord, I want them to miss me.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: I feel forgotten.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: I am afraid their life is better without me.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: God does not require a polished prayer.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Bring him the embarrassing, unfinished truth.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Then consider what Scripture says about your worth.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Psalm 139, verse 14, describes you as wonderfully made.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Ephesians 2, verse 10 calls believers God's workmanship, created in Christ for good works.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_03: And Romans chapter 5, verse 8 points to God's love demonstrated through Christ before we could earn it.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: Your value does not begin when somebody chooses you.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_03: It does not disappear when somebody leaves.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_03: A deleted photograph changes a profile.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: It does not erase your humanity, your gifts, or God's love for you.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: When you ask, what is God's opinion of my worth?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the care scripture describes.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: You are someone he made, knows, and loves.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: You can acknowledge mistakes without treating yourself as disposable.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can miss someone without concluding they were your last chance at love.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: Write this somewhere you will see it.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_03: My worth is not waiting for their reaction.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: Then pray before you search.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: Let God meet the deeper need you have been asking their account to satisfy.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: That's the first way.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Second, guard your heart with a real boundary.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23 tells us to guard our hearts diligently, because our lives flow from them.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: That wisdom applies to the things we repeatedly allow into our thoughts.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_03: If checking their account reliably leads to an hour of comparison, tears, and imaginary arguments, the pattern is hurting you.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_03: Calling it, just being curious, does not make the consequences disappear.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: Be honest, I keep doing something that leaves me feeling worse, then make it harder to do.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Unfollow.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Clear the search history.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Remove saved links.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Take the app off your home screen.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Remember the side entrances.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Blocking your ex while checking their best friend every evening is like locking the front door and crawling through the bathroom window.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: You still got inside.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: Ask friends to stop sending updates.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: Say, I know you mean well, but hearing about their life keeps pulling me back.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: Please don't send me their posts.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: You do not need a volunteer surveillance department.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: A boundary does not mean you have stopped caring.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes you need it because you care so much that access keeps overwhelming you.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Has this habit begun controlling my attention?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Can you enjoy dinner without checking?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Can you sleep?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Can you hear notification without hoping it involves them?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_03: If the habit is taking over, act, you are capable of living with greater freedom than this.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: That does not mean you are above feeling grief.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_03: It means grief does not have to dictate every action.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: If you share children are necessary business, maintain a clear channel for practical communication.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Coordinating a school pickup does not require investigating who stood beside them at a barbecue.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Choose a concrete boundary.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: For the next 30 days, I will not visit their account or ask someone else to check it.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Ask God to help you keep that promise.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: When loneliness arrives.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's the second way.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: But I want to challenge something, Shannon.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: You mentioned blocking as a boundary.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: Isn't that just avoiding the problem?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: Shouldn't we forgive and forget?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great question, Jake.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: But boundaries aren't about avoiding, they're about protecting your heart so you can heal.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness doesn't require unlimited access.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can forgive someone and still choose not to follow their life online.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's about stewardship of your own soul.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_03: I see.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_03: That makes sense.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: Boundaries can be an act of love, for yourself and even for the other person, because you're not feeding resentment.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: So the second way is about guarding your heart with wisdom.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Third, challenge the belief that you will never find anyone better.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: This belief can make a harmful relationship look like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: You remember the charming beginning, the attention, the chemistry.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: The moment you thought, finally, someone understands me.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: Then your mind quietly removes the humiliation, uncertainty, and nights spent wondering what you did wrong.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: It presents a romantic highlight reel with the consequences edited out.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: No wonder you keep watching.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: But ask yourself what better actually means.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_03: Does it mean more dramatic compliments?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: Or does it mean honesty, consistency, kindness during disagreement?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_03: Respect for your boundaries.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Someone whose affection does not require you to abandon yourself?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: A healthy relationship has room for ordinary peace.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: You can eat dinner without analyzing the punctuation in a text.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: You can disagree without wondering whether love will be withdrawn.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Low self-esteem can convince you that basic respect is too much to expect.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: But scripture gives you a different standard.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: 1 Corinthians 13 describes love through patience, kindness, truth, and refusal to insist selfishly on its own way.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: No relationship will express those qualities perfectly.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: Still, those qualities matter.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: Intense attraction does not excuse repeated cruelty.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: Being wanted does not automatically mean being loved well.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: And the fear that nobody else will want you cannot tell the future.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: You do not need to promise yourself a perfect partner.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: You need to stop declaring that a harmful relationship was the best life could offer.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: God has not told you that.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Psalm 84, verse 11 speaks of his generosity toward those who walk uprightly.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: That is reason to trust his goodness, even when you cannot predict what his provision will look like.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Your next season may include deeper friendships, healing, meaningful work, renewed faith, or eventually a healthier relationship.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: You do not have to know which blessing comes first.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: You can believe your life still holds good things.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: That's the third way.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Fourth, trust God with a future you cannot see.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Checking can create the illusion that gathering enough information will make you safe.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: If I know who they are seeing, I can prepare.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: If I know what they are saying, I can defend myself.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: But another detail often produces another question.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: You find the woman's name, now you need to know how they met.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: You find a photograph, now you need to know who took it, the investigation keeps expanding.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: Peace keeps getting postponed.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: Proverbs 3 verses 5-6 calls us to trust the Lord rather than rely entirely on our own understanding, acknowledging Him as we move through life.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Trust does not mean ignoring facts.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: It means accepting that you do not have to know everything to take a wise next step.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: God knows the parts of your future you cannot see.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: He can be at work through opportunities, relationships, and changes you have not encountered yet.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Ephesians 2, verse 10 speaks of good works.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: God prepared beforehand for his people to walk in.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_03: There is purpose ahead of you.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: You may not know its shape yet.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: You may be waiting for a romantic reunion while God is drawing your attention towards something else that deserves your care.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: Have faith that he can lead you without showing you the entire route.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Jeremiah 29, verse 11 originally addressed a community facing a long exile.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Its hope came in the middle of a difficult season, not through an immediate escape from it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: That context matters.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Trusting God does not guarantee that next Tuesday someone handsome will arrive carrying flowers and excellent communication skills.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: It means you can endure uncertainty without treating it as proof that God has forgotten you.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: Matthew 6, verse 34 teaches us not to carry tomorrow's worries into today.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: Today, you can put down the phone.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Today, you can eat, rest, pray, and fulfill one responsibility.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: Today, you can leave some questions unanswered.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: God can work beyond what you currently understand.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Your limited view is not the limit of his care.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's the fourth way.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: Fifth, give your attention a new home and get support.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: Stopping the checking leaves an empty space.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: That space needs care.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: If you have spent an hour every evening watching their life, decide where that hour will go.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Call a trustworthy friend.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Take a walk, read a psalm, return to a hobby, attend a church group, work on something meaningful.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Make the action small enough to repeat.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: You do not have to become a marathon runner by Thursday.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Walking to the mailbox without opening their profile is progress.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: Philippians 4, verse 8 encourages us to attend to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and worthy of praise.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: This does not ask you to pretend the relationship never hurt.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: It invites you to give attention to more than the hurt.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: There are people who love you without requiring an investigation.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: There are abilities you have barely explored.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: There are ordinary moments you have been missing while scrutinizing someone else's photographs.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Ask, what would respecting myself look like tonight?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps it looks like sleep.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps it looks like keeping a promise to your children.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps it looks like speaking to a counselor about why rejection has begun to feel like evidence that you are unlovable.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: If checking feels difficult to control or is disrupting your daily life, seek support from a qualified therapist.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: Prayer and practical help can work together.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_03: If you slip, close the app and begin again.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Do not turn one check into a six-hour investigation because you think you have already failed.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_03: Romans chapter 8, verse 1 reminds believers that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: You can take responsibility without attacking yourself.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Keep a small list of what you did instead of checking.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: I called my friend, I finished a project, I felt sad and prayed.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: I went to sleep.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Those choices are how you start coming back to your own life.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: That's the fifth way.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_03: Now, let's pray together.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: Heavenly Father, you know why I keep looking.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: You know the rejection I fear and the answers I hope to find.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: Help me stop asking another person's attention to determine my worth.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_03: Remind me that I am.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: Your workmanship, wonderfully made and loved.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_03: Give me courage to guard my heart.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: Help me challenge the belief that this person was my last chance at love or happiness.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: Teach me to trust your care when I cannot see what comes next.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: Guide me toward the people, purposes, and opportunities you have for me.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: When I feel the urge to check, help me pause, pray, and choose something that supports my healing.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_03: Give me faith to leave unanswered questions with you.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: In Jesus' name, Amen.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Tonight, you do not have to identify the mysterious sleeve.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: You do not have to interrogate Vanessa.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: You do not have to discover whether the decorative napkin has romantic intentions.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: You can put down the phone while you still miss them.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: You can protect your peace while you still feel uncertain.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: You matter, even if they never mention you again.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: And you have a future that cannot be measured by what appears on their screen.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: Have faith.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: God sees beyond this painful chapter.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: Let him help you turn the page.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to the Toxic Relationships podcast.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Remember to subscribe on YouTube and visit ShannonAlder.com for 20% off my next book coming in July 2027.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, take care of your heart.