Latest / The BIG Home Ed Conversations | Home Education / Topic Challenge: Thoughts and Feelings, Fostering Emotional Maturity in Children

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Topic Challenge: Thoughts and Feelings, Fostering Emotional Maturity in Children · The BIG Home Ed Conversations | Home Education

0:16
Hello everybody, welcome back for another episode of the big
0:19
home Ed conversations. My name is Kelly Rigg.
0:21
I'm a home Ed mom of two and a qualified mindset and ADHD
0:24
coach. I'm really passionate about
0:26
supporting parents and neurodivergent families to say,
0:28
navigate children not OK at school and ultimately then the
0:31
transition from mainstream schooling into home education,
0:34
as well as all of the other lovely ways we sometimes need to
0:37
educate our kids. I'm here together with my Co
0:39
host Ashley Venerio, A fellow home Ed mum of three and former
0:42
primary teacher. We created the big Home Ed
0:45
Conversations podcast with what began as honest, heartfelt talks
0:48
around the coffee table, which has now grown into a space where
0:51
hundreds of listeners now tune in for real, unfiltered
0:53
conversations about alternative education, mindset and
0:56
educational philosophies. We cut through the noise and
0:59
focus on what really matters to home educating families.
1:01
As you'll probably know by now, we have been sponsored this
1:04
season by Strew. It's a home education logging
1:07
app that was created by a home educating mom and her brother.
1:10
We have been loving using the app and have been asked to
1:13
honestly review different features each week.
1:15
And so this week we're telling you about some of the settings
1:18
that go on behind the scenes. It's something which I was
1:21
thinking about myself this week because I set up obviously the
1:24
very first day I downloaded it and chucked all my details in
1:27
and I hadn't really gone back and thought about it since.
1:29
But actually in the study pack sections, when you kind of go to
1:33
the menu on the left and go down, you can go into study
1:35
points and you can change the settings at the bottom there.
1:37
And it ultimately you can choose a type of education that you
1:41
tend to follow. So in there, for example, is
1:43
child LED learning, Waldorf Osteiner, Charlotte Mason,
1:46
unschooling, sort of in the deschooling phase, whatever it
1:50
is that you're kind of doing right now.
1:52
And what that does is it helps to structure what the study
1:55
points looks like. So if depending on which one you
1:57
select, it will give you a different list of types of study
2:00
points to be working towards. And obviously that study points
2:03
thing is just a lovely kind of, again, optional thing that you
2:06
can be using to kind of give you an idea of where you're at in
2:09
your home educating journey. It basically over the course of
2:13
sort of time, it allows you to see how much literacy work
2:18
you've done, how much mathematics, etcetera.
2:20
And I find that quite helpful in terms of just being able to at a
2:23
glance. I mean, if I look at ours, for
2:24
example, there's loads of personal, social, emotional
2:27
development stuff and communication and language and
2:30
that kind of thing. But actually kind of our
2:33
physical development and literacy, I maybe haven't logged
2:35
as many of the things that they've been doing on there.
2:38
So it helps me to kind of keep a track of just the gist really of
2:42
what kind of areas we're really prioritizing and putting a lot
2:45
of work and effort into maybe areas that we're not doing so
2:47
much. But if you find yourself having
2:49
a little look at that. Yeah, actually.
2:51
I didn't think about it same as you when I set it up.
2:54
I just chose basic home education because I think I was
2:58
just eager to get in and see it. But when we were talking about
3:02
this, I went in and checked and I was like, oh, I think I might
3:05
actually look at the US one because that's some of the
3:07
curriculum that we follow. Likewise, we also do a lot of
3:11
Charlotte Mason. So I think I might explore a
3:13
little bit and just see which one.
3:15
And in the end, once that custom feature is available, I might
3:18
actually kind of mesh a couple of them and see if that sort of
3:23
fits more because we are a bit eclectic.
3:25
I, I love to say that I definitely am always following
3:29
Charlotte Mason, but it's just not true.
3:31
We do tend to have a structured approach to certain things
3:34
unstructured towards others. We rely a lot on living books,
3:38
but then also we will sometimes just follow a curriculum open
3:41
and go. So I think we do have kind of
3:44
this hybrid approach to our homeschooling here.
3:48
And I love that this app can actually accommodate that in a
3:52
way that helps me. So yeah, it's.
3:55
A really handy little feature, isn't it?
3:57
And I think as that feature kind of develops as well, I think
3:59
it's going to be really helpful. Obviously, if you click on say
4:02
for example, literacy, it then goes to your feed and it will
4:06
basically filter it for you and show you all the literacy things
4:08
that it's counted towards those study points.
4:10
But it obviously just helps you to kind of see the kinds of
4:13
things you're doing. And again, all of this is
4:15
optional. Whichever way you do it is
4:16
totally your bag. Like never any pressure to try
4:19
these things out, but ultimately Drew is designed by someone who
4:23
gets it. And I think that's what really
4:25
makes this matter, that there are lots of different apps and
4:28
things coming out at the moment, but it's always really nice to
4:30
use one that we know a supports a home educating parent with her
4:34
income so she can carry on home educating her kids, which I
4:36
always love anyway. I always try and do that
4:37
whenever I can. But also ultimately they
4:41
understand they're Auk home educating family, they get it.
4:44
They know exactly what we are dealing with and that is really
4:46
important to me too. So I'm going to give it a try.
4:50
So this week I feel like honestly me and Ashley had just
4:53
spent the past half an hour talking about the heat wave and
4:56
how utterly miserable we are. And so when it comes to
4:58
journaling and feelings, I feel like we we've got a lot of our
5:01
own, that's for certain. They said about how the heat has
5:04
made our kids crazy. I mean we are a neo divergent
5:07
family over here so we do tend to see a lot of dysregulation in
5:10
general. But my youngest is communicating
5:13
only with shouting at the moment and has spent 99% of her time
5:16
wet from either water fights or and just pouring buckets of
5:20
water over her head outside or going in the bath that's just
5:23
been sat there full all day so that she could just dip in and
5:26
out as needed. Which is OK.
5:29
She's basically a hippo or an elephant or something.
5:32
It's like they just need to be constantly wet when it's hot so
5:34
they could just keep crawling down.
5:36
Yeah, so we refuse to go to the Lido as I really want to go to
5:40
the Lido, but it will be people soup.
5:42
Why is the first heat wave happening over half term?
5:45
That is just utter cruelty. Exactly.
5:48
I know, I know it's like, of course it's a bank holiday, but
5:51
don't get me wrong, like lovely for everyone who planned a
5:54
holiday and last last time this year, it was not great.
5:58
So I feel like, Oh my gosh, amazing.
6:02
And then likewise for everyone who didn't plan a holiday like
6:06
you, you can enjoy your home and your backyard and go to a park
6:10
and it's going to feel like a holiday because it is warm.
6:12
So it is good, but for for those of us who don't have that thick
6:18
skin to deal with like the crowds, because we're not used
6:21
to it, it is not, it is not OK. We are not OK.
6:25
Check out your homeschooling friends.
6:28
We are all lonely and we are all stuck at home wondering whether
6:31
most probably there might be. We are so sad.
6:34
But yeah, so there we go. That's our feelings on this
6:36
matter. We are hot, sad, lonely and I
6:39
mean just like I literally deliver rude stuff for like
6:44
sandwiches for dinner tonight. Like I'm that lazy today.
6:47
I'm not even going to the shop. My my car was too hot to touch.
6:49
OK, like there was. I tried earlier and it was too
6:52
hot. To your point, to your point,
6:56
like I don't want to put the kids in the car again.
6:58
Like it was enough to do the few errands that we had to do today.
7:03
And I at the end was rushing back because it was we were
7:08
moving so slowly. But yeah, so I guess obviously
7:13
you could hear us rant. We could just sit here and rant
7:15
it you all day, Honestly, we're going to try and pull ourselves
7:17
together, OK? We know it's hard.
7:19
We're going to try and behave. So feelings and journaling and
7:22
all that nonsense, we tried, we tried.
7:27
This is a difficult one because we did do a bit of this.
7:29
So obviously I am a coach and that means that I am trained to
7:33
A, listen and B, to notice emotions, notice the hidden
7:36
feelings that are going on in things.
7:37
And so I do spend a ridiculous amount of my time kind of semi
7:41
coaching my kids and supporting them to work through their
7:44
disagreements and all the rest of it.
7:45
And actually that's pretty much where we started with this is I
7:48
just thought to myself, I'm not necessarily going to prepare
7:51
anything extra. I am going to just try and be a
7:54
little bit more, well, a little bit less guys stop fighting and
7:57
a little bit more. OK, let's talk about our
8:00
feelings and actually what is going on here and let's see like
8:02
go on in with the coaching stuff and try to help them to work
8:05
through their problems. And one of the things which has
8:07
worked really well for us a number of times actually, and I
8:10
keep having to print them out because I need to probably
8:12
laminate it, is a feelings wheel.
8:14
Now if you Google it, you'll find an image.
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You can just print one off. Don't spend a lot of money
8:18
buying one from somewhere. But essentially it's just just a
8:22
circle. And in the middle you've got
8:24
things like happy, sad, disgusted, etcetera, like the
8:27
main top level emotions. And then it kind of goes further
8:30
out and further out into more descriptive words that help to
8:33
kind of explain the feelings that you're having in those
8:36
moments. So you might be feeling, I don't
8:38
know, angry. And that's because you're
8:41
frustrated, and that's because someone's done something into
8:45
you. Whatever.
8:45
This is not a good example, but you get the point.
8:47
Like, it gradually goes out and explains how you might be
8:49
feeling. And my kids honestly seem to
8:52
really love it. It only gives them more words to
8:54
describe how they might be feeling because angry is quite a
8:59
big feeling and it's not very easy to understand sometimes
9:02
why? But when you drill down into it,
9:04
they actually, when they sit and read around it, they're like,
9:05
oh, actually, yeah, I'm feeling frustrated and lonely or not
9:11
listened to or like, I don't know, say, for example, one of
9:15
them wouldn't go and play with the other.
9:17
It's like these were the feelings that I felt because of
9:19
that. And what I actually decided to
9:20
do this time is a bit different was to say, OK, so you are
9:25
feeling like that, That's interesting.
9:27
Can you tell me how you think your sibling feels?
9:31
So you like, please don't say anything yet.
9:34
Can you tell me how you think they were feeling or are feeling
9:38
now? Like what matched your feelings?
9:41
So everyone has always got a feeling, like literally always.
9:44
And when someone does something that wrongs us after we assume
9:49
that that person was feeling vindictive or mean or whatever,
9:55
and actually it's because they were tired or hungry or fed up
10:00
or just needed a bit of space or were feeling a bit, whatever.
10:03
And it turned into this really interesting conversation around
10:07
not a hierarchy of emotions because that's not really fair,
10:11
but to some degree that is the case.
10:14
I mean, if we want to think about criminal situations of
10:18
consent etcetera, that sometimes one person's feeling does
10:22
outweigh another, so someone really doesn't want something to
10:25
happen to them. It is not OK for you to do it
10:27
just because you want to. It's not so much a feeling but
10:29
actually get the point. So say, for example, you were
10:33
feeling really playful and cheeky and fun, but the other
10:36
person was feeling tired and sad and didn't really want to play
10:41
right now. Like what?
10:45
We've got to find a compromise here.
10:46
Like we've got to find a way to like, be OK in the middle.
10:50
Like we've got to remember that when we have a feeling, other
10:52
people have them too. And they've really grasped it
10:55
actually. And we tend to just keep that
10:58
feelings well out and around a lot because it does spark
11:02
conversations and it does help them to express themselves.
11:05
Sometimes when they're feeling something, they say, oh, where's
11:08
the wheel? And I'll put it on the table and
11:11
they'll point at it and they'll tell me whether what they're
11:13
feeling. And it helps them to give them a
11:14
word for it. But it, I thought that further
11:16
exercise was really helpful to just get them to really start to
11:19
think about when we have feelings, other people are
11:22
having them too. And it's because I, it's not
11:25
selfishness. That's not really, I mean, even
11:27
selfishness isn't a bad word, but it's kids.
11:30
Kids can be a little oblivious, like they, they feel their
11:33
feelings and they don't necessarily truly notice or care
11:37
or have the cognitive ability yet to do anything about anybody
11:41
else's feelings. And so it's not to try and make
11:43
them feel bad for it, but developing that awareness is a
11:46
skill. And, and it's something which I
11:48
think a lot of us would probably raised without much support or
11:52
guidance on feelings and respecting other people's
11:55
feelings and boundaries and why they might have felt how they
11:57
felt or why they might have responded how they responded.
12:00
And like, because I think I know that when I had kids be mean to
12:03
me at school, I'd often get that kind of, oh, well, they're not
12:06
your friends, Just don't just stay away from them.
12:09
Or oh, that wasn't very nice. They're just bullies.
12:11
Like ignore them. Bullies aren't very nice or
12:13
they're just jealous or whatever it is.
12:15
That was helpful to some degree, but it wasn't in the sense of it
12:18
never helped me to truly work it through and to reach an
12:22
understanding with that person. And I think I would have
12:24
preferred to have a lot more of that as a child.
12:26
That would have been really helpful for me.
12:31
Yeah, definitely. So I think there are like you
12:34
were saying these opportunities to kind of pull them out and
12:36
say, OK, what are we actually feeling?
12:38
What is actually causing this and how is it then being
12:42
communicated, which are often very different things.
12:46
We didn't start with that though.
12:48
We this is like, I feel like this week's topic for us was a
12:53
bit of a fail and I don't know why exactly.
12:58
Maybe because it was a little too not too.
13:02
It was just a lighter topic. So when I started with like my
13:07
usual route to flick podcasts and let's find some, I really
13:13
wanted to get into more like positive affirmations that we
13:16
start our day with. There are some great really
13:18
short ones, you know, 235 minutes and I was playing them
13:23
in the car and the girls were just laughing at it.
13:26
They had zero interest in taking it seriously.
13:28
They did not want to take a deep breath.
13:30
One of them was just like Mini, Mini.
13:33
And I mean just so many. It was not not long at all, like
13:36
a 32nd guided meditation. And they were like, we don't
13:40
want to do this. We're going to do a meditation.
13:43
We're like mad. We're call it meditation.
13:46
I was like, Oh my gosh. So although creative, so that
13:50
was, it was just we got 00 effort completed in that.
13:57
And so then I tried to do journaling, but their curriculum
14:04
right now is like one of the things we're working on is
14:06
writing. So adding another writing task
14:09
was not anything they wanted to do.
14:12
I am thinking though, because we are going to be traveling a bit
14:17
that while we're not doing any of our normal like language arts
14:23
program, I might and I already did purchase little notebooks
14:28
for them. So I might take those with us
14:30
because they're tiny and just be like, let's at the end of each
14:33
day write something that you like, something that happened
14:36
today, one or two sentences like the best part of the day and
14:39
then what we were thankful for. And I think that might help with
14:42
like some, some of that because I really do want to get more
14:45
into, like I said, affirmations, also gratitude and sort of also
14:50
changing the spin of things like not always going to the
14:54
negative, but let's find let's let's have our initial response
14:58
be to find the positive because I feel like I'm more that way.
15:02
My partner might not be so much that way.
15:04
And so I feel like we're, I'm trying to lead them.
15:09
Yeah. Leave them in my direction for
15:11
better worse than it is. It's really hard sometimes the
15:14
British culture, like I'm being very generalist again here.
15:17
It's not fair to sweep sweeping statement it.
15:19
But we do tend to err on the side of a good moan.
15:23
Like we do love to have a good whine about the weather or we do
15:26
like to have a good moan about something else, share our woes
15:29
and it's totally fun. I mean, people, people are who
15:32
they are. And I, I definitely was raised
15:35
to be that way to some degree. And it's been a whole hard one
15:38
journey trying to actually shift to be more conscious of the joys
15:42
of the lovely bits in my life. And like when I was she just
15:46
ranting to my husband last night about the day of our dog barking
15:49
at our new neighbors all day so we couldn't have the back door
15:53
open, which meant that we're just sweltering in the house.
15:56
I literally caught myself and I was just like, OK, but but I
15:59
also beat my son at chess today and we had a really fantastic
16:04
couple of games of Harry Potter Monopoly deal.
16:06
And they've been super engaged with the rainforest project
16:10
we've been doing and we've had lots of fun with a friend coming
16:12
over the day and tasting a lot of rainforest fruit.
16:14
So we went to the supermarket, got loads of rainforest fruits
16:17
and sat and tried them all with our friends.
16:19
And like they actually tried so many different things that like
16:22
ordinarily get them to put stuff in their mouths that they don't
16:25
want to taste is just not happening.
16:27
But they actually gave some stuff ago which was super proud
16:29
of and I had to like actually forced myself to stop and go.
16:33
These are all the lovely things that happened today, like
16:35
through by tears. It's like, it's like this is an
16:38
awful day. No, it hasn't been an awful day.
16:40
It's actually been an OK day, but it's just been really hot
16:42
and will really grubby and it was fine and it was.
16:44
I think these are moments it's role modelling.
16:46
It's showing them that OK, it doesn't always feel good.
16:50
We don't always feel good. And it's OK to not feel good
16:52
too. Like we're allowed to not be in
16:53
a good mood, but actually it's important to recognize if we're
16:57
sweeping all of the good under the rug and only noticing the
17:01
bad. You're saying about journaling.
17:03
Actually, when we went up to see the Harry Potter show recently,
17:07
I went to the Mina Lima store, which is just like, it's the
17:10
people who did that. The print works for the graphics
17:13
basically for Harry Potter. And they had these little blind
17:16
bags so you could get like a notebook and some stickers or
17:19
whatever in them. So we got one each for my kids
17:22
as their little souvenir for the day and took it home to my
17:24
daughter and she was so excited to open it.
17:27
And she got a little Defence Against the Dark Arts notebook.
17:30
So it just has the cover that looks like one of the books from
17:32
Harry Potter and then the notebook inside.
17:34
And oddly enough, like I didn't ask her to.
17:36
It wasn't something she necessarily started as part of
17:38
this project, but she has started to write her feelings in
17:41
it sometimes. So getting her to talk about her
17:44
feelings has been a really tricky, hard one thing.
17:46
So she is suspected autistic and talking about feelings is not
17:50
really something she likes to do.
17:51
She tends to shut down on me, but just lately with using the
17:55
feelings will and also just we've used some other resources
17:58
as well. So things like the colour
18:01
monster books at the invisible string to help with
18:04
understanding kind of separation anxiety and stuff like that.
18:07
But, and it helped her to sort of realise that she's not the
18:10
only one who fills these feelings.
18:12
So there's lots of different ways with journaling.
18:14
It doesn't have to be writing, it doesn't have to be pictures,
18:17
it can be talking, it can be expression in some ways.
18:20
It could be just other types of arts.
18:22
It could be that made it like having taken some time to just
18:25
be with your thoughts and to just be alone.
18:28
So I, I don't tend to enjoy journaling.
18:30
I find it too slow, the act of writing it down annoys me, which
18:35
sounds like really impatient, but it's just, it's not
18:39
something that I enjoy very much.
18:41
But I do enjoy doing art and I do enjoy sometimes just if I'm
18:44
feeling sad or I'm feeling a bit fed up that actually going and
18:47
sitting and doing something creative or cooking as well.
18:51
Actually baking is one of my forms of journaling.
18:54
Like I literally would just go inwards and just be in my own
18:57
little head and just enjoy doing a thing.
19:01
And so I try and teach men that a lot actually, that actually
19:04
sometimes the yuck feeling can be shifted with some sort of
19:09
action. It doesn't have to be doing
19:11
anything productive per SE, but just doing something different
19:15
that might be going for a walk or drawing a picture or making
19:18
some Lego, whatever. That actually a lot of the time
19:20
the feelings with feelings is actually just like a stuck
19:23
boredom, irritation, tired, hungry.
19:26
Like take some sort of action, like there's something there
19:29
your body is asking for something like, what is it?
19:31
And yeah, most of most problems in this house are solved with a
19:35
snack and a glass of water. 99% of our problems are solved that
19:40
way. But yeah, it's just that's the
19:43
thought that I found myself thinking.
19:44
And there was also a journal, which I do have a link on one of
19:49
the old blogs, which I'll try and find to bring forward to the
19:52
blog for this one. But it's called a Wow journal
19:54
and it was made by a home educating family, I believe.
19:57
And it's a lovely, it's kids, kids that made it, I think.
20:00
And it's a literally like a journal that they can each day
20:03
is like a question to just ponder over.
20:06
And they can write a little bit about how they're feeling that
20:07
day and they can draw a little picture and they can write a
20:10
little bit about that, their answer to that question.
20:12
And it's like, it's like, if you're a superhero, what
20:15
superhero powers would you have? And that's sort of like just
20:18
nice little mindful. Questions just kind of stack
20:21
them out of whatever's going on in their head right now.
20:24
And I really liked that. I thought it was a pretty lovely
20:26
thing. It comes to proper physical
20:27
product as well. So you can you can buy the book
20:30
on usual all the usual places, but I'll make sure we link it in
20:33
the blog about the episode because it's it's really cool.
20:36
It's really nice thing. But yeah, there's there's loads
20:40
of ways of kind of a tackling journaling and offering it as a
20:42
choice. But I would say that like
20:44
anything forced with journaling just doesn't work.
20:47
And if they're not feeling it, that it's, it's a pointless
20:49
exercise because it's just going to make them really. 100
20:52
percent, 100%. I mean, I remember in school
20:56
having like a topic sentence, it was always felt like busy work,
21:00
like respond to this or something.
21:02
And some people take to it just like you were saying that like
21:05
journaling for you is too slow. I absolutely get that.
21:07
Like if you're handwriting something now that we've had a
21:09
taste for like speed, whether you're typing or like listening
21:13
to something at a faster rate, to actually like have to go
21:16
through it is hard. But I know there are so many
21:19
benefits to like writing something that you're thinking
21:23
for, like brain processing and and all of this.
21:26
So I do think it is really important, but finding like the
21:30
clever ways to go about it. It doesn't have to be
21:32
necessarily like, what did you do today?
21:34
There's one that I want to do and I just don't think we're
21:37
there yet, but we really are close with my oldest.
21:39
There's one that's like a mother daughter.
21:42
So like the prompt, I'm sure they have this for like I looked
21:46
at that one, obviously because it applies to you that I have to
21:47
imagine they have it for all the genders and like parents, dads,
21:51
moms, whatever. But there are these little
21:55
prompts and you like, write it and then it'll say, OK, now give
21:59
it to the daughter. And then there's something for
22:02
her to write and respond to, read and respond to, and then
22:05
something for the mom. And so it's this really cute
22:07
thing. And it can be like something
22:09
like, when did you learn to ride a bike?
22:10
And what was that experience like?
22:12
Like really random things that aren't necessarily very serious
22:17
or personal or anything like that, but are just like little,
22:21
little things that are interesting when you love
22:24
someone you want to learn about South at some point, probably
22:28
soon I'll do that. And that can be kind of like a
22:30
creative little outlet. And then of course, it's a a
22:34
great treasure after it's completed, right?
22:37
Like how amazing is that? So there are these really cool
22:42
options. It's so funny because when I, I
22:45
used to teach at a school and when I left, the teachers there
22:50
gave me a gift and they knew how much I love like stationary and
22:54
all, all the pens and like post it notes and all this stuff.
22:57
So I mean, obviously when you're in that world, I'm finding all
23:01
the things 'cause it's like, Oh well, I use it for work.
23:05
So I had all the stuff. So when I left, they gave me
23:07
this book and it was like a journaling effort.
23:10
That's called it's called the book that takes its time.
23:13
Pretty sure that's the title. And it is so cool.
23:21
It has all these different things that you can read and
23:23
respond to and the pages are folded.
23:25
It's very like Nina Lima like and not it's got like little pop
23:28
outs and papers that slide in and out.
23:30
And it's super cool. I've not done a thing with it.
23:34
I've looked through it. I've been like afraid, you know,
23:39
that like fear of messing it up. So you never do anything.
23:42
And in my mind, I'm like, just do it.
23:44
Like, who cares? Like it's literally singing in a
23:46
bookshelf. It's better than nothing.
23:47
But also to your point, like I'm like, Oh, I don't, I don't have
23:50
30 minutes to sit and do this. I'm going to, I have other
23:52
priorities that I want to tackle, but it looks really nice
23:55
on my bookshelf. But if that is something that
23:58
you like, then I highly recommend it because it's
24:01
beautiful. And I also there's another
24:03
podcast that I listen to where this woman is an avid journaler
24:11
and like just has all of the her past journals like lined up on
24:14
shelves. And I think what a treasure for
24:18
your children down the road to be able to go back and like read
24:23
your reflections of them as they grew up and also personal things
24:26
too. But like, just that is so cool.
24:29
And then if you know the book, Marley and me, I know Jennifer
24:33
Aniston and Owen Wilson did the movie with the golden retriever
24:36
dog. So the author of that always
24:38
remember, he talks about a time when his wife miscarried in the
24:44
book and how he, he commented on how he was able to remember and
24:50
write this into the story because he was such an avid
24:54
journaler that he would just spend so much time documenting
24:58
things every evening. I think it was the evening.
25:00
I could be, could be wrong about that.
25:01
But before he went to bed at night, like everything that was
25:04
happening. So he's like, I can vividly
25:06
recall the situation and what we all went through because I had I
25:11
had documented it at the time. And so I always think like, oh,
25:15
I should. I wish I was a person who was
25:17
like, OK, I'm going to sit down and I'm going to write about my
25:21
day and all the feelings I had and just process everything.
25:23
It sounds so incredibly healthy, such a good mental exercise.
25:27
But instead, I'm really like, OK, I'm going to continue
25:29
reading this book for two hours because that is what I need.
25:34
I think like reading and stuff like that, a lot of time is that
25:36
that really lovely kind of disassociating from your life as
25:38
well. And I think some of us so like
25:41
was I guess as well, like if we feel like we've actually had
25:43
quite a hectic day or we've been quite busy or we are in the
25:46
trenches a little bit. But we might actually find
25:48
ourselves just wanting to step away from thinking about our day
25:51
to some degree and not actually wanting to sit and necessarily
25:54
process it. But I know that this is where it
25:57
becomes that kind of mental discipline of if you do take the
26:00
time to reflect and think about your day and talk it through or
26:04
write it out or like put down the questions that are in your
26:07
mind because of that day. Like what could you have done
26:10
differently around a certain situation that might have
26:12
happened with your kids? Or why?
26:15
Why are you saying that to yourself a lot?
26:16
Like here's something I noticed that I'm thinking a lot about
26:18
myself or just little things like that, that just even if
26:22
it's just a little thought because those reflections,
26:26
taking that time to be present with your thoughts and to not
26:29
just let them keep bombarding you.
26:31
It's one of the things that I work on a lot with people as a
26:33
coach is this kind of awareness of the messaging and the beliefs
26:38
that are that make up our brain and what we think day-to-day.
26:42
And we have to be so careful that the script that is playing
26:45
out in our heads doesn't feel too real, that we don't accept
26:48
it as fact. Because there's an awful lot of
26:51
messaging that's come from our parents and teachers and the
26:54
media and books and all sorts of different places that make us
26:57
feel less than or like we should be different or we should be
27:00
behaving differently. And especially with our kids
27:03
with such impressionable young minds taking in all of this
27:06
information from all the stuff that they see and listen to and
27:09
experience that taking some time to process it and actually say,
27:14
OK, I'm starting to feel like, I don't know, Like, for example,
27:17
body positivity and kind of sexuality and all the things
27:20
that kind of come up as really big subjects for our young
27:23
people as they get older that we want them to have an outlet or
27:27
an opportunity to, to have that critical thought to be able to
27:30
go, wait, hang on. I'm starting to feel bad because
27:33
I look a certain way or because I've got, I don't know, like
27:36
going through puberty and I'm starting to get some hair in my
27:38
armpits or whatever it might be. And like, I know that that means
27:41
that everyone's going to want me to get rid of it and why and
27:43
what's going on there. And actually to, to ask those
27:45
questions. I don't feel like when I grew
27:47
up, I asked a lot of questions and I didn't challenge these
27:51
thoughts very much. And I guess I really want my
27:54
kids to do that. I want them to, to notice that
27:59
they are starting to feel pressured or that they're
28:01
starting to feel bad about something or they're worried
28:03
about something or they're, they're having a hard time with
28:07
certain relationships. And for them to actually not
28:10
just go, oh, there's something wrong with me or I need to be
28:12
different or I need to behave better or whatever.
28:15
But to start to go, wait, hang on.
28:16
What is actually happening here? And these are all quite mature
28:19
kind of talents. That is, it's difficult, but it
28:23
is something which children are capable of doing.
28:25
They're quite discerning. Children are capable of forming
28:27
an opinion. They're capable of assessing a
28:29
situation and deciding how they feel about it and giving them
28:32
the tools, the words, the experiences, the respect to
28:36
speak up and to say when they're not happy about something.
28:39
Like I've always said to my kids, like, please challenge me
28:42
on my behaviour if you do not like something like yes, OK, we
28:47
will have our moments when things are heated and timing is
28:50
everything. But it's ultimately important to
28:52
say I don't like that or to stand up to me and say no, like,
28:56
like that didn't feel good or the way you said that made me
28:58
feel sad. I'd be like, oh, interesting.
29:00
I'm sorry about that. Like what?
29:02
What about it made you feel sad? Like what got to you there?
29:05
So an example was when my son was diagnosed ADHD and autistic
29:11
and I've been in a massive ADHD hyper focus for several years
29:13
now since finding out that I wasn't he was and all things and
29:16
get bit obsessed with these things.
29:17
And I was talking to him one day and being like, oh I've you know
29:21
how like when I ask your sister a question like a maths question
29:24
or something like you can't help but just like splurge the answer
29:27
straight out at me. And I was like stop.
29:30
Like have a chance to think and to say the answer and said, I
29:33
found out that today that that's actually like it's an ADHD ISM
29:36
and he's like, oh, stop, stop talking about ADHD.
29:39
Like it's making me feel like weird and different and I don't
29:43
like it. And I was just like, oh, I'm
29:45
like, I'm sorry. Like I said, that's really not
29:47
what I'm trying to achieve here. And I, and I listened to him and
29:50
he told me what the sorts of things that he didn't like
29:52
thinking about and that he was worried that he felt different
29:54
and that nobody would get him and that he would be like really
29:58
different to his friends, etcetera, etcetera.
30:00
And we had a really lovely chat and it was a great opportunity
30:03
for him to, I have his concerns about it.
30:06
And for me to say that obviously the sad thing about this world
30:09
is that everyone grows up with labels and we end up feeling
30:14
feelings about ourselves. We start feeling like the bit
30:16
that we're stupid or that we're lazy or we're clumsy or we're
30:19
just no good at stuff or we're whatever.
30:23
And I said and what I'm trying to do and I said, and I might
30:25
not be getting it perfect. And I'm sorry that I've made you
30:27
feel different or weird or like I'm going on about it too much.
30:31
I said I'm a bit obsessed with learning about it at the moment.
30:34
So I am a bit like full on. And I said what I'm trying to do
30:39
is go, hey, that's not a problem.
30:41
That's not a failing, That's not a bad behaviour.
30:44
That's not something I need to correct.
30:46
It's just something which needs a gentle tool.
30:48
And I said to him, right, One of the suggestions was for the
30:51
shouting. An answer was come whisper it in
30:54
my ear or cover your mouth with two hands and mouth it to me so
30:59
that I can see that you know the answer, but then you're not
31:02
stopping assistant from having a chance to say it.
31:05
And I said this is a positive thing.
31:06
This is this is honestly just we're recognizing that these are
31:09
an issue and that this is causing a problem like it's it's
31:12
making me feel grumpy. I'm feeling a bit fed up for his
31:15
sister's sake that she doesn't get a chance to think etcetera
31:17
like she's not liking it. It's causing an issue, but
31:20
actually it can be resolved with some gentle communication,
31:23
expression of feelings and some tools and some ways to kind of
31:28
cope with that going forward. So again, obviously a bit of a
31:31
digression here, but it's not. It's just an example of, of how
31:34
important it is to empower our children with the the respect
31:38
and the ability to speak up for themselves and to say how
31:41
they're feeling about things. And obviously I appreciate
31:45
depending on our children's age and neurodiversity, and some
31:50
people have something called alexithymia, but they, they
31:52
quite literally don't feel emotions or they can't grasp the
31:56
concept of an emotion. Like if you say how does it make
31:58
you feel The like, I don't know, like I don't really feel
32:01
anything. Ultimately it's something which
32:04
means that it's quite complicated to have these
32:06
conversations because they might not really have any strong
32:08
feelings about it, or they might sense that they don't feel good,
32:11
but they can't explain it, doesn't have a set kind of
32:15
series of sensations in the body or whatever.
32:19
And that can be really interesting, as well as a random
32:21
side side thing around that because it is weird.
32:24
Sometimes people do experience feelings differently.
32:27
Different things, yeah. No, absolutely.
32:30
And I think it's just, it's always good to be aware of that
32:33
too, because if you're dealing with someone who like, it's all
32:40
well and good for us to do this with our children, But later as
32:44
they go out with their friends and future partners and all
32:47
this, if those individuals haven't had that same awareness,
32:51
then they're going to have to be cognizant of that and understand
32:56
that it's not necessarily someone being rude or angrier or
33:01
anything at them. It's that their own emotional
33:05
processing isn't happening in the same way potentially.
33:08
And so I think it's definitely so good to continue to have
33:14
these conversations. And I, I do think kind of back
33:17
to our original effort with all of these challenges and how do
33:21
we get things into our day-to-day.
33:23
I do think that this is a very, very important component of
33:28
education that is so often overlooked or just assumed that
33:33
we're doing it naturally. And so we don't have to take any
33:37
extra effort to manage it because of of what we're doing
33:40
just in general as individuals and as students and teachers and
33:44
all of this. But I actually do think it is
33:46
really important. It's like when people say like,
33:48
Oh, I don't need therapy because I've never been through a
33:50
traumatic event or I didn't have a quote, UN quote bad childhood.
33:55
But like actually most people benefit from therapy.
33:57
And what is therapy? It's ultimately just processing
33:59
your feelings. So I think we all do need the
34:04
ability to reflect on and then digest and as you were saying,
34:10
kind of think of what might I have done differently.
34:12
It's, it's lovely really, I guess this conversation because
34:14
it's so it is important. I agree it's vital.
34:17
And a last thought that I had as you were talking, as well as the
34:22
feelings processing is not always a cognitive activity.
34:27
And I think we have focused quite a bit on the cognitive
34:30
side of it and the processing and the thinking and the brain
34:33
work behind this. But actually children are
34:36
particularly good at regulating their feelings physically.
34:40
So if you do feel your feelings in a typical way, chances are
34:48
you get the urge to crush with your hands or to push or to hit
34:53
out or to slam a door or to throw something or to stamp your
34:57
feet or to shake or to tense up or to go for a run or whatever,
35:03
right. That we get lots of physical
35:04
sensations to help us to process the feelings that we have.
35:07
But actually we spent most of our childhood being told that
35:09
those feelings and those sensations were naughty or wrong
35:13
and that we shouldn't be actively physically acting on
35:16
our feelings. Now that obviously has its
35:19
boundaries. Sure, of course, for sure.
35:21
People are like, of course, what's telling anybody here that
35:25
they're allowed to go punch everybody now?
35:26
But there are ways of channeling those sensations, and if we
35:30
recognize that we feel them and stop feeling the shame for
35:33
wanting to to to hit out or to do something or to to physically
35:37
push something away that's causing us distress.
35:41
If we can get a bit more in tune with those sensations, we
35:45
actually can work our way back through the triggers and figure
35:48
out the root causes of them. And teaching our kids this as
35:51
well is one of the most primarily important thing for
35:54
kids who bite or hit or push or destroy.
35:59
And helping them to understand that that end reaction was not
36:04
actually the only feeling or sensation you had.
36:08
That there were other more subtle ones that came before
36:11
that, that were warning signals. And children are really, really
36:14
good at recognizing how they're feeling and actually physically
36:18
doing the things which help to move the energy through their
36:21
body and out. And often that that can be seen
36:24
as quite disastrous behavior or sort of hyperactive or running
36:29
around lots or needing to swing on a swing or needing to jump up
36:32
and down or dance or whatever it might be, right.
36:35
So they, they would do things. And if you watch them, actually
36:38
we can learn an awful lot from them because they will feel
36:42
frustration and they'll go and they'll, they'll have a really
36:46
good like little kind of stompy moment about it.
36:49
And actually, that is, if you go do any somatic work, you'll
36:54
start to see people doing this as an intentional like class
36:56
thing. Like you're like have these
36:58
little toddler tantrum moments. And actually that's because
37:01
it's, it physically moves the energy out of your body and
37:04
helps you to process it and, and disperse it.
37:07
And so we don't always have to necessarily agonize over these
37:10
thoughts. We don't always have to reflect
37:11
on them and go through them, but we can sometimes just be like,
37:14
that was really annoying and I'm just going to tense my body and
37:17
then go and let it all back out again in a Safeway.
37:21
And I think one of the things I've had to work on
37:24
significantly as somebody who experiences quite a lot of
37:26
sensory issues and like regulation issues with ADHD, is
37:30
this concept of recognizing my environment, knowing that
37:34
certain things are going to bother me and making sure that I
37:37
do as much as I can to keep my body feeling physically safe.
37:41
So I guess coming to the end of this episode, we are going to
37:45
take a one week, just season break.
37:48
We'll be back after one week because just a little tiny
37:50
break, mainly because we're in a just a transition with half term
37:53
and things a bit busy. So we're just going to take one
37:55
little tiny beat. But we'll be back as usual.
37:58
But we still have to pick our next subject.
38:00
It's exciting, but it's also a little terrifying down for
38:05
somebody who's have been quite intense.
38:07
But we hope you guys are enjoying them.
38:08
I have noticed a lot of you kind of sending me some messages and
38:11
things now and saying that you're enjoying it and that
38:14
you've started to listen along. And I hope that some of you have
38:16
found some of these resources helpful.
38:17
And we'd love to hear your thoughts as well as you come up
38:20
against things when you're trying to do it with your kids.
38:22
So yeah. Oh, this is a great one for the
38:26
time we're in. Oh, my goodness.
38:28
Right. OK.
38:30
So the next subject is protest and social change.
38:35
Oh, OK. Wow, yeah.
38:36
What an appropriate time it is for that in the home education
38:40
community, but also for so many other reasons.
38:42
So yes, but anyway, so protests and social change, obviously
38:45
there's so many different causes that our kids tend to care
38:48
about. And we're we're learning about
38:51
the rainforest at the moment. So we will probably put a little
38:53
bit of this into challenging some companies that don't sort
38:58
of associate themselves with the Rainforest Alliance, for
39:00
example. We've been learning a bit about
39:01
that this week. So we were already going to do
39:02
some bits around that. So I won't cheat too much, but
39:04
we but yeah, this is a good one. I think it's something which is
39:08
really current and really relevant so.
39:11
Yeah. And you could definitely take it
39:12
in a million different directions.
39:15
So I won't even say what I'm thinking because I'll save it
39:18
for when we come back. But like already, because
39:21
there's a lot of thinking, we'll do it all follow that.
39:26
So obviously we'll be recording it in a couple of weeks.
39:28
We get a little bit longer to do this one, thank goodness.
39:30
But yeah, fingers crossed anyway.
39:33
All right, guys. Well, we'll hopefully see you
39:34
again on the next one. Thank you for listening.
39:36
Have a great week. Take care, guys.
39:37
Bye bye. You've been listening to the Big
39:42
Home Ed Conversations podcast. Thanks for tuning in.
39:45
Don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and share with a
39:48
friend. Follow us on Instagram and
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TikTok at Big Home Ed Podcasts for updates.
39:54
Also check out our website at Big Home edpodcast.com.
39:58
We'll be back after a short week long break where we'll give you
40:02
a quick update on our summer plans and just general chitchat.
40:05
And the following episode we'll talk about our experiences
40:08
bringing the topic of protest and social change to our
40:11
children. We hope to hear your experience
40:13
as well, so come talk to us about it on social media.
40:16
Thanks for listening.