Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #269| Why Being A "Nice Girl" Is Actually Just People Pleasing & The Simple Strategy To Help You STOP Without Seeming Like A Jerk
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: In this episode, you'll learn why being a nice girl is actually just people-pleasing.
- 0:09Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:17Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:22Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences.
- 0:27Michelle Gauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
- 0:34Michelle Gauthier: And we were sitting in this adorable coffee shop near my house that is also a plant store.
- 0:49Michelle Gauthier: It's a dream.
- 0:50Michelle Gauthier: We were each talking about how we had created success in our business and just sharing that with each other.
- 0:56Michelle Gauthier: One of the things that I said is that I had learned to just not think about what other people were thinking about me.
- 1:04Michelle Gauthier: And my friend said, I believe that's true, but I don't understand how that's possible because you're such a nice person.
- 1:13Michelle Gauthier: Hearing her say that just made me realize and solidify in my mind, oh my gosh, this is what we have been taught.
- 1:20Michelle Gauthier: We have been taught that if you are a nice person, you essentially have to people please and always try to make everybody else happy and worry about what other people are thinking about you.
- 1:30Michelle Gauthier: So when you listen to this episode today, you're gonna learn why we've been taught that nice and people-pleasing are the same thing and why they're not.
- 1:37Michelle Gauthier: What separates the nice girl habit from real kindness and a simple mantra to use the next time you feel the pull to say yes when you mean no?
- 1:46Michelle Gauthier: That comes straight from my dad.
- 1:48Michelle Gauthier: I've given you guys some of my dad's advice before, and it's always excellent and directly to the point.
- 1:54Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so let's first talk about being nice versus people pleasing.
- 1:59Michelle Gauthier: When my clients find me, they're usually people pleasers.
- 2:02Michelle Gauthier: In fact, I think most women I've ever met, unless they have specifically worked on it, are people pleasers.
- 2:07Michelle Gauthier: I think we're just grown this way.
- 2:08Michelle Gauthier: This is the way that we're socialized, at least here in the US where I grew up.
- 2:12Michelle Gauthier: Let's talk about what it generally means to be nice.
- 2:16Michelle Gauthier: Being nice is usually considered being agreeable and saying yes and keeping the peace, even if it's to the detriment of yourself.
- 2:26Michelle Gauthier: So if you're not doing that, then you just must not be nice anymore.
- 2:30Michelle Gauthier: And a lot of times when I work with my clients to stop people pleasing, what they'll say is, but I'm a nice person.
- 2:37Michelle Gauthier: And I just want to remind you that people pleasing isn't actually nice.
- 2:42Michelle Gauthier: What you're doing when you're people pleasing is you are trying to control how someone feels about you.
- 2:47Michelle Gauthier: And what I mean by that is you're trying to control their emotions, how they feel about you, manage their reaction, make sure they're not mad at you, write the narrative in your favor so that they think of you in a certain way, as helpful, as easygoing, as the one who always shows up.
- 3:04Michelle Gauthier: And that really isn't nice.
- 3:06Michelle Gauthier: In fact, I think that's more controlling.
- 3:08Michelle Gauthier: And when I realized that as a former people pleaser myself, I was like, oh my gosh, all this time I've been telling myself that I'm a nice person.
- 3:16Michelle Gauthier: And really what I'm doing is just trying to control the situation.
- 3:20Michelle Gauthier: But real kindness just lets go of that control.
- 3:23Michelle Gauthier: It doesn't need the other person to react in a certain way because you can still say no and care about someone, and you can disappoint someone and still be a kind person because true kindness is not about managing the other person's emotions.
- 3:39Michelle Gauthier: It's about being honest and being generous from a place that's actually true for you, not from a place of trying to engineer, control, manage how you're perceived.
- 3:48Michelle Gauthier: That's why it's possible to stop worrying about what people think about you, stop the reflective yes to everything, and still be kind.
- 3:57Michelle Gauthier: Let's look at a really simple example.
- 3:59Michelle Gauthier: Let's imagine that you have decided that you're going to drink less and you go to a party and the host is, oh, here our signature drink is the margarita.
- 4:10Michelle Gauthier: Do you want one?
- 4:11Michelle Gauthier: And there's a little voice going on in your head that says, Don't be difficult, just say yes.
- 4:16Michelle Gauthier: It's easier to be nice, and that's the moment to be nice, air quotes.
- 4:21Michelle Gauthier: That pull to people please just to keep things easy.
- 4:25Michelle Gauthier: But if you can catch yourself in the moment and just notice, oh, that's my old wiring, my old programming.
- 4:32Michelle Gauthier: The question really isn't how do I say yes so that I stay nice?
- 4:36Michelle Gauthier: It's actually what does being honest look like here?
- 4:39Michelle Gauthier: Because honest is what is actually kind.
- 4:42Michelle Gauthier: So in this example, maybe you realize I really don't want to have that drink right now.
- 4:46Michelle Gauthier: And you could just say that honestly, instead of telling them what you think they want to hear and taking something that you don't want to drink and feeling like that you then need to drink it just to protect their feelings or make them feel a certain way.
- 5:00Michelle Gauthier: Kindness says just tell them the truth respectfully, even if it's uncomfortable for a second, because the truth is true kindness.
- 5:08Michelle Gauthier: Oh no, thanks.
- 5:09Michelle Gauthier: I'm actually not drinking this summer, but I'll grab myself a water or whatever it is.
- 5:13Michelle Gauthier: And I know that is a small example, but that is an exact situation where sometimes it feels easier just to go along with what you think the other person wants you to do.
- 5:24Michelle Gauthier: By the way, we never know what anybody else is actually thinking.
- 5:27Michelle Gauthier: So this is all perception in your mind.
- 5:29Michelle Gauthier: So maybe it's the margarita, maybe it's maybe it's somebody asking you last minute if you can cover them for something.
- 5:39Michelle Gauthier: There are a million opportunities where you will have the chance to either try to be perceived as agreeable and easy and nice, or start thinking about what you actually want and saying that thing.
- 5:51Michelle Gauthier: The easiest way to get started on this is to remember this mantra created by none other than Jock Gothier, my dad.
- 5:58Michelle Gauthier: He always has said to me, tell the truth, but tell it kindly.
- 6:02Michelle Gauthier: When I work with my clients on this, I will ask them as we're working through a situation, tell me the truth.
- 6:08Michelle Gauthier: Tell me what you actually really want to say, and have them practice just saying it to me.
- 6:13Michelle Gauthier: And this is a great practice because you don't have to choose between being honest and being kind.
- 6:18Michelle Gauthier: Honest said with care is the kind version, not the people-pleasing nice version where you're figuring out what you think the other person wants you to say.
- 6:26Michelle Gauthier: You're just telling your own truth and saying it directly and kindly.
- 6:30Michelle Gauthier: In summary, you don't have to choose between being nice and being honest.
- 6:36Michelle Gauthier: You can do those at the same time.
- 6:39Michelle Gauthier: The next time you feel that pull towards being nice, fake nice, where you're trying to figure out what the other person wants you to do.
- 6:46Michelle Gauthier: Go the route of being honest and kind.
- 6:48Michelle Gauthier: Tell the truth, but tell it kindly.
- 6:51Michelle Gauthier: If you're not sure where people pleasing is showing up in your own life, take my free overwhelm quiz.
- 6:56Michelle Gauthier: The link is in the show notes.
- 6:58Michelle Gauthier: It will show you what your number one overwhelm driver is and give you a next step to start feeling better right away.
- 7:04Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week.
- 7:06Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 7:13Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com.
- 7:19Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.