Latest / LIVING WITHOUT FEAR / 148. Living Without Fear - How To Stop Caring What Others Think Of You | With Esther Buerki

Transcript

148. Living Without Fear - How To Stop Caring What Others Think Of You | With Esther Buerki · LIVING WITHOUT FEAR

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  What if the reason you feel exhausted in certain rooms, it's
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  not the room, but the version of you trying to survive inside it.
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  Welcome to Living Without Fear and Esther, your host from
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  Switzerland. And today I want to speak about
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  something that has shaped so much of my life.
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  Maybe yours too. I was watching an interview
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  recently, 2 strong women talking about business, leadership,
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  confidence and one of them said something so simple, so
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  powerful, so free, she said in her own words.
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  I truly don't care what other people think of me.
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  And when I heard that something inside me past, not because I
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  don't agree, but because I realized I'm not fully there
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  yet. I'm much better, much better
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  than I used to be, but completely free from other
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  people's opinions. Not yet.
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  And I want to be honest with you about that, because the desire
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  to be liked has ruled me for decades.
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  I grew up in a family where insecurity was normal.
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  My parents were insecure. Their parents were insecure.
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  Confidence wasn't something that was modelled or strengthened, it
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  was something we quietly longed for.
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  So what did I do? I tried to earn love.
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  I tried to deserve it, especially from my father later,
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  from my teachers, from friends, from groups, from everyone.
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  I wanted to be the one who was appreciated, the one who was
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  admired, the one who was loved. And when I felt rejected, I
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  suffered. I questioned myself constantly
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  what I'm doing wrong. Why do they love my best friend
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  so effortlessly? Why does she walk into a room
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  and people are drawn to her? What should I change so they'd
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  like me more? Am I too complicated, too
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  sensitive? Not confident enough?
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  Do you know this voice? Have you heard it inside your
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  own head? Even today, in unknown
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  environments, I still notice something.
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  I scan the room. Do people look at me?
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  Do they notice me? Do they turn away?
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  Do they start talking to someone else?
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  And in the past, my solution was clever.
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  I would immediately start a one-on-one conversation with
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  someone next to me. I'd ask questions, I'd get
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  curious, I'd dive deep into that one person, and suddenly I felt
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  safe because one-on-one felt manageable, intimate, contained.
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  It was actually very smart. But here's what I realized
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  later. While I focused intensely on one
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  person, I sometimes unintentionally excluded others.
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  They might have felt unseen and I didn't even notice because I
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  was busy trying to survive. Survival often looks like
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  strategy, but underneath it is fear.
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  Let's come back to this sentence.
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  Not caring what others think. Why was it so important for me
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  that people liked what I did? Because if they approved, I felt
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  safe. If they praised me, I felt
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  worthy. If they admired me, I felt
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  enough. But here's the uncomfortable
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  truth. When you try to be lovable in
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  order to be liked, you're not being yourself.
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  And not being yourself is exhausting.
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  So exhausting. Next time you are in a big group
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  and you'll feel drained, ask yourself something radical.
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  Is it really the group that is tiring me?
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  Or is it the performance I'm running inside myself?
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  Because, believe me, it is the performance.
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  It is the constant monitoring. Say something intelligent, don't
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  say something stupid. Make a good impression.
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  Be interesting, be kind, be helpful, be impressive.
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  That inner pressure is what makes you tired, not the people
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  you. And that realization can hurt,
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  but it can also set you free. Recently I had a two days ski
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  teacher training in the mountains to renew my license.
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  Our instructor was insecure. The group was chatting.
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  He tried to speak. Nobody listened.
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  And I felt it in my body. I felt his uncertainty.
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  I recognized it because I have lived it.
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  And instinctively I stepped in. I helped quiet the group.
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  I supported him. But here's what surprised me.
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  This role didn't exhaust me. I didn't judge myself.
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  I didn't overthink, I didn't monitor how I came across, I
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  simply acted from who I am and that felt light, that felt real.
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  When you act from authenticity instead of approval seeking,
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  your energy changes completely. So maybe the question isn't it?
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  How can I stop caring what others think overnight?
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  Maybe the question is, where am I abandoning myself to earn
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  approval? Because the cost of being liked
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  is often self betrayal, and self betrayal is heavy.
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  Let me say something very clearly.
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  It does not help anyone. Not you, not the group, if you
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  try to be someone else. If you're tired, be tired.
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  If you're grieving, be grieving. If you're quiet, be quiet.
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  If you're silly, be silly. If you don't want to talk, don't
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  force yourself. You are perfectly OK the way you
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  are in this very moment. And please don't misunderstand
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  me, you will not wake up tomorrow completely free from
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  people's opinions. This is a process, an ongoing 1A
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  lifelong one. But every time you notice the
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  inner dialogue, you gain power because awareness is the
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  beginning of freedom. Start listening to how you speak
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  to yourself, not only the words you say out loud, but the
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  whispers in your head. If you are not aware of them,
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  journal. Ask yourself, how did I feel
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  today? When exact?
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  When exactly did that feeling start?
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  What was the situation? What did I expect from myself in
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  that moment? How did I judge myself?
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  Write it down and be honest. Maybe you will read sentences
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  like you screwed up again. You are not smart enough.
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  People don't like you because you're too sensitive, you're too
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  much, you're not enough. And you see it on paper.
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  Something shifts. You realize it's not the world
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  attacking you, it's you attacking yourself.
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  And you cannot build confidence on top of self criticism.
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  So let's practice something radical.
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  Let's practice being without adjusting, without performing,
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  without editing ourselves in real time, just being.
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  And if someone doesn't like you, that does not mean you are
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  wrong. It simply means you are not
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  their person. And that is OK.
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  You don't need everyone. You need alignment.
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  You don't need approval. You need integrity.
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  And the more you become yourself, the more the right
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  people will feel you. Not because you tried, but
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  because you finally stopped trying so hard.
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  If this episode speaks to you, if you recognize yourself in my
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  story, I want to offer you something Ioffer free one-on-one
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  coaching sessions. A safe space where you can
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  unpack these patterns, where you can look at your inner dialogue,
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  where we gentle uncover where you still are performing and
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  where you are ready to come home to yourself.
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  No pressure, no pretending, just honesty.
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  If you feel cold, reach out to me.
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  And until next time, walk into the room and instead of asking
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  do they like me? Ask do I like who I am being
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  right now because that is the only approval that truly
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  matters. And until next week, walk into
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  the room and instead of asking, do they, like me, asked, do I
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  like who I am being right now? Because that is the only
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  approval that truly matters. Stay true, Stay real.
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  This is Esther from Switzerland.