Latest / ZoukNerds • Learn | Build | Belong / The Chameleon Mindset: Connecting to Any Partner or Style (S05 Ep73)

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The Chameleon Mindset: Connecting to Any Partner or Style (S05 Ep73) · ZoukNerds • Learn | Build | Belong

0:00
If we think that we should be faking something, then we
0:03
probably shouldn't be dancing. Man, when the stars don't align
0:06
with the partner, what do we do? There is no desire in me that it
0:11
should have worked or it could have worked.
0:13
We're just humans, we are trying our best and the main thing that
0:18
we should avoid is to feel guilty.
0:21
That's the big thing. The things start to get more
0:23
complicated when it starts to become uncomfortable on the
0:26
body. Sometimes we connect with our
0:28
partners in a way that everything else disappears and
0:32
that is amazing, that is beautiful.
0:34
I think that the relationship going to dance might be the most
0:38
important thing. Before the social, I need a
0:41
whole to prepare myself because I need to try my best to bring
0:48
myself as a dancer. No, I don't fake social dancing.
0:52
No, I don't always enjoy social dancing.
0:54
That's the reality. That's the cold hard truth.
1:00
What do you do when the connection with your partner or
1:03
the music just isn't there? Would you fake it to be polite?
1:08
Or is there a way to find authentic joy even when things
1:13
aren't clicking? And how can shifting from blame
1:18
to curiosity save your night on the dance floor?
1:22
Well, let's find out. Hello.
1:24
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Zook Nerds.
1:28
In this episode, Guy and I explore how to handle misaligned
1:34
dances We'll break down while faking it is never the answer,
1:40
how to use technical curiosity to bridge a difficult
1:43
connection, and how to redefine what a good dance means to you.
1:49
Let's learn how to find the joy even in the moments when the
1:54
stars don't align. So let's go.
2:06
Hello, hello everyone and welcome back.
2:08
My name is Allison Sanji and let's welcome back our beautiful
2:11
Co host. Hello, Gee.
2:14
Hello, Allison. Hello, everybody.
2:15
Welcome back. In this episode, we're going to
2:18
be talking about the fact that, you know, sometimes we're not
2:24
fully connected with our partner or the music or the environment.
2:29
And then the question comes into mind, do we fake it?
2:33
Do we always enjoy it? If we do, how does that work?
2:37
Well, we're going to be deep diving to how we deal with this.
2:43
And spoiler alert, no, we don't fake it.
2:47
If we think that we should be faking something, then we
2:50
probably shouldn't be dancing. But yeah, how do we deal with
2:55
this? How about Yogi?
2:57
How do you deal when the stars don't lie and things aren't the
3:01
way that we'd like to be in our dancing?
3:05
This is hard to answer simply. I mean, it's hard to answer
3:09
straightforward like that because it's very philosophical
3:13
to me when the stars are not aligning in the dance.
3:18
What does that mean? Right.
3:19
Well, right now I'm in Sydney, Australia.
3:21
So as you can see, change of environment one more time.
3:24
And I just came from the US after having been in Brazil.
3:29
So I was in Brazil for a little less than a month and I was the
3:32
US for a weekend. I didn't social dance much in
3:35
the West this time around but I got you experience different
3:41
vibes, different realities, and different understandings of what
3:46
is not aligning. What is the stars not aligning?
3:49
And I think I assume what you are referring to is when the
3:51
stars don't align with your partner, right?
3:53
Yes, that's one of the elements, but it could be in multiple of
3:58
the elements. But let's just go with the
4:01
partner 1st and then we talk about the rest.
4:03
Later. OK, Good, good.
4:06
Yeah. Yeah, that's isolated.
4:08
Let's focus on the war for now. Yeah man, when the stars don't
4:12
align with the partner, what do we do?
4:15
For me, depends on the level of non alignment.
4:21
I first check how non aligned is it.
4:25
I don't have many instances in which is deeply not aligned, in
4:31
which we are Almost like I'm speaking Portuguese and the
4:35
person is speaking German. This doesn't happen very often
4:38
anymore because by default I try to find a middle ground where we
4:44
can communicate with ease. So I don't push the dance too
4:50
far in the sense of I found there is some differences in the
4:55
way that we express, in the way that we use the technique, in
5:00
the way that we use the music or the space.
5:03
So when I understand there is some level of difference or a
5:06
distance there, I try to find where can I stay that is better,
5:13
you know, that is easier. There is ease of motion, there
5:15
is ease of being. And because of that sort of
5:19
default setting that I have nowadays, for me the stars don't
5:25
misalign. The star don't misalign too
5:27
much, but when they are not fully aligned and understanding
5:32
the spectrum, I see how much through the dancing, as we
5:39
dance, how much I can, let's say bring more alignment, how much I
5:44
can understand better this person, their technique, their
5:48
dance and try to find more ways to continue dancing.
5:53
That is pleasant, that is nice. And then from there, just
5:57
gauging, I think it's just like gauging moment by moment when
6:02
it's not working. And I have had instances that is
6:06
not working at all. I don't stop the desk midway,
6:09
but when the song is over, I say thank you.
6:13
And it's funny because when I do that, I don't feel necessarily
6:17
something bad or something weird.
6:20
There is no these days, there is no desire in me that it should
6:26
have worked or it could have worked if I have done this, if I
6:30
had done that. I stay in the realm of
6:33
observation why it didn't align at 1st and why it kept not
6:38
aligning as we kept dancing. We don't dance one song anymore,
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like at least in our current residence of social dance
6:47
etiquette, dancing at least two to three songs.
6:50
And in this process of two to three songs, understanding,
6:54
investigating that alignment further.
6:56
And if I don't find that alignment and I end the dance
7:00
because of that, I'm just thinking how we didn't align,
7:05
Why didn't align, but not wishing it had aligned.
7:09
I don't know if that makes sense.
7:10
Not necessarily wishing that I had found an alignment.
7:15
There is the ego part of me that whispers in my ear a little bit.
7:21
Oh, but adaptation is your thing.
7:23
You know, You should have found a way around it.
7:27
Oh, but then you failed in your tools.
7:29
So there is this, this little voice that comes, but it doesn't
7:33
come very loud. You know, I'm able to listen to
7:36
it. And I say, yeah, OK, I hear you.
7:40
But, you know, there are limitations and trying to stay
7:44
focused on the partner. But when we talk about the other
7:48
elements, the music, the space, yourself, you know, I think
7:52
we're going to be able to dive deeper and bring more complexity
7:55
to the topic. But that's it.
7:57
What about for you, Allison? What happens when it doesn't
8:01
align with a partner? Well, that's a tough one because
8:06
I think from what you're saying, I want to add to that and say
8:10
that we're just humans, right? We are trying our best and the
8:15
main thing that we should avoid is to feel guilty.
8:20
That's the big thing. Like you were saying, you don't
8:23
want to feel like you didn't achieve or you failed something.
8:28
That's the journey that I go through.
8:30
I don't want to feel guilty. Now.
8:33
How do I deal with this? Well, I try my best to find
8:37
different elements in that moment that could help me.
8:43
Maybe the connection with me and my partner is not really the
8:48
ideal connection that I like to have when I'm social dancing,
8:52
but the music is vibing, the venue is great and I have lots
8:57
of friends around me and everything else is beautiful.
9:02
So what I do is that I get this happiness and joy in an overall
9:09
sensation, not just the partner. The partner is not the 100%
9:15
focus with what I'm experiencing in that moment.
9:19
Sometimes we connect with our partners in a way that
9:23
everything else disappears and that is amazing.
9:26
That is beautiful. It doesn't matter where we are.
9:29
It doesn't matter if the world shuts down and the music stops
9:34
playing, but that partnership is going to be beautiful.
9:38
That's not the case a lot of the times and that's really not the
9:42
case very rarely. And when those rare occasion
9:47
happens, I'll try to focus on an overall.
9:51
And I want to clarify here, I'm not saying that I ignore what's
9:55
happening between my partner and I.
9:57
No, I'm not ignoring that and going like, OK, don't focus on
10:01
your partner and just enjoy the rest.
10:04
That's not it. What I'm saying is that I try to
10:08
bring everything else that is happy, everything else that I'm
10:12
enjoying and I put that in the overall joy and happiness and
10:18
that usually helps me enjoy that dance much better.
10:22
This is talking about like a very high level understanding of
10:27
what's going on. But if I go more into detail, I
10:31
get into the technicalities. I think about how does this
10:36
person dance different from me? And I look in my toolbox and I
10:42
think, OK, I've learned something like this before.
10:45
I've learned something like this before.
10:47
So I'm going to try this and see if that improves our joy, our
10:52
partnership. And I go over multiple tool
10:55
boxes, technical tool boxes, musical tool boxes, soft skill
10:59
tool boxes. And I go over and over and over.
11:02
But that's, I think more detailed approach to it.
11:06
The first approach is basically trying to enjoy everything that
11:11
is going around me and bring that into the dance and try my
11:17
best to make sure that my partner and I are having fun.
11:21
Not just my partner, not just me, but both of us.
11:25
And lastly, if this person that I'm dancing with is someone that
11:29
I feel comfortable enough with, I will after the dance ask them
11:33
for some feedback or for how they felt because then I can
11:39
share and say, hey, you know, I felt like something off.
11:43
And I really want to know if you felt that.
11:46
And if you did, how was that for you?
11:50
How can we do better? Because I would love to get some
11:53
feedback and do better next time, not just for you, but for
11:57
anybody that I dance with. So those are the first things
12:01
that come into my mind. I think what you mentioned that
12:04
resonates with me with the idea of curiosity, right?
12:07
Is it like this investigation and then the curiosity to look
12:12
into the technique and the way that your partner is doing
12:14
things and perhaps not look at it as a source of difference?
12:20
You know, like looking at it as something that could be
12:24
negative, but looking at it as something that could be
12:28
investigating more. There's something positive in
12:30
which you are learning something new, in which you are learning
12:34
new ways, getting the opportunity to reverse engineer
12:38
things. And sometimes I share this in
12:41
class. That's a great way to learn
12:43
actually because of the difference in which Brazilian
12:47
Zook is taught, the difference in approaches.
12:51
You as a leader. Now I'm speaking as a leader.
12:54
I think you 2 have something speaking as a primary leader.
12:58
When you lead something into someone that you would initially
13:02
expect a certain result, you observe a different result.
13:06
And in that observation, instead of thinking crap, it didn't work
13:11
or they should have done this thing here instead of this thing
13:15
here, my mind would go to oh, interesting.
13:19
So I let a bonus, but he was a yoyo somehow, you know, just an
13:25
example. So you understanding that that
13:27
movement that normally when you execute generate a bonus,
13:32
generate a yoyo. So how can I actually bring a
13:36
bonus out? And there will be the process of
13:39
investigation. And that alone only have that
13:43
mentality allows me when I'm social dancing and you know, the
13:47
stars are not fully aligned with that person.
13:50
And looking at things with this curiosity mindset is almost like
13:55
a game in which I am discovering things at each turn, at each new
14:00
movement that I lead, the way that the person follows, I am
14:04
learning about that. Things start to get more
14:08
complicated For me personally is when it starts to become
14:12
uncomfortable on the body. For example, the tension builds
14:16
up in a way that I cannot find a way around it, that I cannot
14:19
adapt to it in a way that feels comfortable to me.
14:23
Or when there is a disconnection in our relationship and our
14:29
engagement in our eye contact, in our basically look at each
14:34
other, acknowledging each other's presence.
14:37
That for me might be the hardest thing to solve in a way that
14:43
might be for me the biggest source of misalignment.
14:49
So I would say now that we said all of this, and now that I'm
14:54
saying all of this, realizing right now as I speak that the
14:58
main source of stars not aligned is when the relationship between
15:03
us, that exchange is not existing or not there for
15:08
whatever reason. Because the technique and the
15:12
things related to the movement, I think I can find a way to
15:16
find, ease, adapt and understand the path that we can take.
15:21
That makes sense for both of us. But when I cannot find a way to
15:26
interact, then it's really hard for me.
15:29
Then it's really difficult. And there are other elements,
15:33
music space. Then I start to borrow from them
15:38
a little bit more. If I focus right now on my
15:43
partner and ways to, you know, solve that with my partner, I
15:48
think that the relationship going to dance might be the most
15:52
important thing. And thinking further about it,
15:56
you know, it might be because of the way that I learned, the way
16:00
that I learned social dancing, the way that I learned Brazilian
16:03
partner dancing was revolving around the relationship between
16:07
me and my partner at each song, which I'm used to say the idea
16:12
that you have 5 minute long relationship, you know, with the
16:17
beginning middle ends in those 5 minutes.
16:19
And I grew as a social dancer, understanding that the exchange
16:25
between me and my partner is the core elements of that
16:30
interaction. So when that's there, we can
16:34
figure out the techniques stuff, we can figure out the movement.
16:37
One that's not there is really hard for me to even want to
16:41
figure out the movement because it seems like that we are just
16:45
in different vibrations all together, that we are just
16:49
dancing because of out of obligation.
16:52
And one said yes to the other because we didn't want to seem
16:56
rude or something like that. You know if that makes sense,
16:58
Alice, only if it resonates with you in any way.
17:02
Yes, I think that if I'm to summarize what you're saying
17:07
with something that I really believe is that we learned the
17:11
biggest lessons in our lives from the moment that we fail at
17:15
something. And maybe OK guys, fail is a
17:20
very strong word, yes. But we can also describe as
17:25
something not going as splend or as you desire, right?
17:30
To me, those are the biggest lessons.
17:34
If I always show up to class and I teach the class and the
17:37
ratings are like 10 out of 10 for everything, what am I
17:41
learning as a teacher? I'm not learning anything.
17:45
I'm just in this bubble that everything works, but to me
17:53
honestly, I would probably feel very bored and not want to
17:58
continue doing it. One of the reasons that dancing
18:03
is something that I know I'm going to be doing for life, and
18:08
even if dancing is may not be in my future old self, may not be
18:14
the main thing that I do, is something that is always going
18:18
to be there. It's because I'm always learning
18:21
something from it. Every single time I dance, every
18:25
single time I teach, every single time I do anything
18:29
related to dance, I learn something.
18:32
And the same thing goes for teaching.
18:33
The same thing goes for event organization, podcasting, social
18:38
dancing. As long as I can learn from it,
18:41
I will enjoy doing it even when things get tough.
18:46
And that's the mentality that I bring to everything.
18:50
In this episode, we're talking about social dancing, and that's
18:53
how I approach it. I approach social dancing in a
18:56
way that I'm open to learn from that moment.
19:00
If it's not working, why? If I'm not feeling good, why?
19:07
If the partner is not feeling good, and I can sense that, why
19:12
the problem, The issue, the thing that we want and should
19:17
avoid is to go downwards in a spiral of negativity and start
19:23
blaming ourselves, blaming the music, blaming the partner, and
19:28
blaming all of those things. When I'm asking those questions,
19:31
Why this, why that, why this, why that is?
19:34
Out of curiosity? Because I want to learn, not
19:39
because I want to find something or someone to blame this
19:43
experience on. That's not it.
19:47
Unfortunately, that's how I see that most people do.
19:52
They want to understand why? Because they want to shift the
19:54
blame. I'm not enjoying this because,
19:57
you know, the DJ sucks. I had a terrible night because
20:01
everybody that I danced with, I just, you know, I didn't like
20:05
it. Now my approach is very much on
20:09
me. What is missing?
20:11
What am I not doing then is allowing me to feel this way in
20:19
a negative? Way right?
20:21
So once again, I just want to remind that I'm not blaming
20:26
myself, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just looking for clues, just
20:32
solving a puzzle. I think that's what it's
20:35
interesting and intriguing and sometimes even fun to me solving
20:40
that puzzle. As you were speaking, I
20:42
remembered multiple times when I went to mixed styles event,
20:47
mixed Latin events and all of those events and those events,
20:53
bro, if you're not in the right mindset, if you're not in the
20:58
right mindset can be a terrible experience.
21:02
If you are a Brazilian Zook lover, hardcore, and you go to
21:08
an event where maybe 50% of the room are there to just try
21:12
things out and just go with the flow and maybe have their first
21:17
Zook dance in the social, you're going to have a tough time.
21:21
Yeah, it's not easy. It's not easy.
21:24
So when I go to those mixed Latin events, I completely shift
21:30
the person that is there. It's not the same person that
21:33
goes to a Zook event, It's a different person.
21:36
This person is kind of like a multi colored person, a
21:41
chameleon, if you could use that.
21:44
And I try to blend the colors with the person.
21:47
If they know a little bit of Zook, I'll play with that.
21:50
If they know a little bit of salsa, I'll play with that.
21:52
If they know a little bit of bachata, I'll play with that.
21:54
And I'll try to have fun with it because if I try to have like a
21:58
pure Zook experience, then I'm really preparing myself for
22:04
failure. And that was on me, right?
22:08
So I think there's a lot of times and there are a lot of
22:12
opportunities that we could change how we approach and
22:16
change how we bring ourselves to then experience that environment
22:21
in a positive way. So that's kind of like why I was
22:26
saying before I tried to look inwards on how I could change
22:32
because there are many things that I can do to shift the
22:36
perspective and possibly have a better time.
22:40
But of course, like you said, Gee, there are moments that
22:44
we're just like, well, thank you very much.
22:47
Enjoy your night High 5 change because everybody has a limit.
22:52
We're just humans. Yeah, what you said brought up a
22:56
couple of things. The first one is about how much
23:02
have you prepared yourself for that particular instance, for
23:06
the particular opportunity that you were going out to dance Us,
23:10
for example, now we are teachers and then we are in a mixed style
23:14
event. In certain ways, there is a
23:17
switch in our brains that shift and we are almost like
23:22
ambassadors of the dance. We are there representing what
23:25
the dance is, what the dance can be, and perhaps most
23:29
importantly, how the dance feels like or how the dance can feel
23:32
like. But when we are in these events,
23:35
we go to the event with a different mindset.
23:38
I'm here to enjoy Brazilian Zook and to show how enjoyable
23:42
Brazilian Zook can be. So when dancing with somebody
23:46
that just dances, for example, cells or just dances bachata or
23:49
just dances tango, we will not fit really well.
23:53
The whole system of the dance is different.
23:56
You know, the basic step is different, the model travel is
23:59
completely different. So that alignment by default is
24:03
not there. But we are still having fun.
24:06
We're still enjoying life because we are there showing
24:08
people, Oh my God, just look how fun President Zoo can be.
24:12
Come to us, come take a class, you know, join the church.
24:16
So that's a different mindset. I think if we were like Allison
24:20
said, if we were to these events, what did you have the
24:24
full on powerful Brazilian Zook experience, man, it will be
24:28
frustration all night, all the time.
24:31
And we would not want to leave our rooms except to teach, you
24:35
know. So there is a different
24:37
expectation setting that really, really helps when we are in a
24:43
purely, even when we are in purely Brazilian Zook events
24:46
depend on the style of the event too.
24:49
If you are in a Congress that has all the Jack and Jill's, all
24:54
the presentations, all the competitions, the mood of the
24:58
event, the energy of the event is generally high.
25:00
And you are going for the event expecting to find people, to
25:04
have a dance that'll shift, to wait on the spot and the music's
25:06
going to be calm, it is very likely you shall leave
25:10
frustrated. So it's like aligning the
25:14
expectations and tuning in to that vibe that is going to be
25:19
presented to you. A it easier for the stars to
25:23
align with more people because you prepare yourself for the
25:27
environment that you are going. The same thing if you are going
25:30
to a retreat that has Brazilians look as one of the elements and
25:35
you want to do boneca toile and all this stuff and go crazy.
25:38
And night in, night out is songs of the Forest whale music.
25:44
Of course you're going to be frustrated because your
25:47
expectations. So even if you can't dance to
25:50
those songs, but you were not, you know, prepared for them,
25:54
mentally prepared for them, prepared for them in your soul.
25:58
These stars will not align. So I think Allison, you brought
26:01
a very good sort of behind the curtains aspect of why things
26:07
might align on or might not align.
26:10
Because even your moods when you got out of the shower, when you
26:13
were putting your clothes to go out to dance, we're already not
26:18
aligning with what you are going for.
26:21
And this is something that every time I go to Brazil, to Rio, I
26:26
go in December. And December is what Gringo
26:29
season as they call. We have events every single
26:36
weekend and sometimes social every single day.
26:39
And most of them follow a particular vibe.
26:43
And many times I think I'm prepared for that vibe.
26:47
I think I am. But I get to the place, I
26:50
realize, oh, I am not. So even when I dance with
26:53
amazing followers, the stars don't align because I was not
27:00
fully aligned. You know, there is this thing I
27:03
was even joking with some people this year, I mean, this year.
27:06
No, this past year that I say to myself every year I go to the
27:12
thing. Let's say next year I'm not
27:15
going to go. I'm going to stay home.
27:17
And then the next year come. I feel the thing.
27:19
I feel the little itch. OK, let's go.
27:21
So this year, I mean this past 1, I had to make things
27:26
different. I was like, OK, I know the
27:28
vibe's going to be this one. I know the volume of the music
27:31
is going to be this high. I know it's going to be this
27:34
hot. So the level of preparation that
27:37
closed, how early I arrived, you know, foods that I ate, how much
27:43
sleep I got, everything to prepare everything.
27:46
So I was able to have very, very pleasant socials in situations
27:51
which normally I wouldn't because took time for myself,
27:55
took time for me to find what can I do?
27:58
Like I just was saying, right? I could have been blaming the
28:01
vibe and blaming the music, blaming the volume.
28:04
And for many instances, I did blame all these things.
28:07
But then I realized, man, but I still wasn't this.
28:10
There is all these beautiful people coming to Brazil.
28:13
There is this opportunity to connect with people that perhaps
28:18
I wouldn't otherwise, you know? So how can I make this work for
28:21
myself and then find a way to make it work?
28:24
And I found a way to make it work.
28:27
And there is one second element which is aligned to this element
28:31
for me is the idea of resonance, how much you resonate with
28:36
certain people, certain music, certain spaces, and that berries
28:42
in our journey. I remember when I started going
28:46
to Brazilian Zook events, big ones, for the first time.
28:50
This was 2017 already. I could not find any joy in the
28:57
socials because I could not connect to the music in any
29:00
shape or form. And I consider that at that
29:04
moment I could not resonate with the songs, with the music that
29:08
was being played and that was affecting my experience as a
29:11
whole. But then I realized, man, that's
29:13
a reality now. There might be and there is
29:16
beauty in what is happening right now.
29:18
I just can't see it yet. And it's just giving it time to
29:22
find it and then noticing that what didn't resonate before
29:26
starts resonating later. And these things keep changing,
29:31
you know. So there is a element sometimes
29:35
that we think that we need to force ourselves into certain
29:40
experiences. And sometimes this is seen as a
29:42
negative thing. And people say, I don't need to
29:45
force yourself into anything. And sometimes it is seen as step
29:50
that you might need to take to adapt to the new ways.
29:54
So I, in a way, forced myself to listen to the songs that I
29:59
didn't listen before. I didn't like to find the beauty
30:04
in them, you know? And I did, you know.
30:08
So for me, the idea of forcing yourself into something that you
30:11
would not otherwise do or in something that is not resonating
30:15
with you at the moment, I think it also requires some reflection
30:21
because this forcing might be something that you can do,
30:25
something that you are willing to do for a little bit in order
30:28
to see. Maybe there is something there,
30:29
I just cannot see it yet. And sometimes you have absolute
30:33
no bandwidth and then you don't force yourself, which comes back
30:38
to what Allison was talking about is diving deep into
30:41
understanding how much space you have for these things.
30:46
You know, how much space you have to listen to the song a
30:48
little bit more. Maybe there is something nice.
30:49
Like right before we started the recording, right, Alison?
30:52
I was watching Jack and Jill this and you're like, Oh my God,
30:55
I love this song. You know, I listen to this song
30:58
when I'm working out in Beijing. And I said, man, I don't like
31:01
this song at all. But I will listen to that song
31:05
again and again and again. And I'm pretty sure I'll find
31:08
something very nice about that song because Alison likes it and
31:12
he likes it. There must be some beauty in it.
31:14
I just can't see it yet, you know what I mean?
31:17
And I have energy to listen to the song.
31:20
It's not something that will take my strength away.
31:24
And what comes to partners in dancing with someone, that's the
31:29
same thing. For example, you're dancer, that
31:30
person is not working. It's not working at all.
31:34
And the question that we get and the question that comes up,
31:37
should I force myself into stay in this dance a little bit more,
31:41
you know, and that comes to an investigation.
31:43
How much space do I have for that?
31:46
How this dance is actually being?
31:48
Is it uncomfortable? It's like hurting or is it we
31:52
are not technically in the same page?
31:56
Or is it that we are not looking at each other?
31:59
So analyzing what is happening and seeing what you are willing
32:03
to do, like to stay a little bit longer to see if perhaps you can
32:06
turn things around, you know, or not.
32:09
So comes back to the self in the other day in that I agree a lot
32:15
with you also because every time I go to Brazil, face this
32:21
challenge, not with the people, but with the not even the vibe.
32:26
Not even the vibe, but really how hot, how hot it is warm your
32:32
social days, you know? Oh my God, yeah.
32:34
Every time I want to blame the heat every single time.
32:38
But I'm like, no, how can I work around it?
32:40
You know what I mean? Well, that's why I don't go to
32:43
Brazil in December, January season anymore.
32:48
I've made that mistake a few times when a lot of my students
32:51
back from Australia wanted to go at that season and I was like,
32:55
well, OK, I'll go there as well to help you guys.
32:59
And no, Nope, I only go to Brazil in winter now and that is
33:03
the main reason because it's way too hot.
33:06
But right. Too.
33:08
Hot yes, no, no, no. But what you're saying connects
33:12
with everything else that I really experienced.
33:15
In. Pretty much every day in my
33:17
life, you know, You guys know what's here from the podcast or
33:21
from workshops, but in our personal lives, we're very
33:24
different. Like I'm a very, very
33:26
introverted person. If you put me in a room with
33:30
people that I don't know or that is not in a dense environment, I
33:36
am hiding. So if I allow that vibe or that
33:41
person to come to any social, any event, bro, nobody's ever
33:47
going to hire me because they're going to think that I am snob.
33:51
I don't want to talk to people or I'm a superstar mentality or
33:57
something like that. But it's not.
33:59
It's just that I am a very, very shy person.
34:03
I'm an introvert and for me, I feel comfortable when I am
34:10
exercising some kind of role. So it's that persona that has
34:15
been created naturally as I became a dancer, a teacher or an
34:19
organizer. And the moments that I'm not in
34:22
that role, that's when things can get tough.
34:26
For example, in a social I'm not teaching, I'm not podcasting,
34:32
I'm not organizing. I put myself as a dancer.
34:36
I don't bring myself as a teacher, I bring myself as a
34:39
dancer. And the dancer is shy, the
34:42
dancer is insecure. The dancer wants to please, you
34:47
know, the dancer wants to be a good person for the community.
34:51
So for example, when I go to events such as Canada's A
34:56
Congress, Brazilian Zook World Championships, where the level
34:59
is very high and there's a lot of competitions and people are
35:04
there to push themselves and learn, bro, before the social, I
35:08
need a whole session to prepare myself because I need to try my
35:16
best to bring myself as a dancer knowing that there is a high
35:21
expectation from the people social dancing with me.
35:25
It's a very, very tough mind game to play just before the
35:30
social. Very, very tough mind game.
35:33
Because a lot of the times I'm a head judge or something like
35:38
that and people just have this expectation like you would, you
35:43
know, it's obvious. If I buy a ticket to watch Adele
35:47
in concert, I'm going to have the expectations that, you know,
35:52
it's going to be the best time of my life watching to Adele
35:57
sing live in front of me. And if it's not, I'm really
36:01
going to be disappointed. It is what it is.
36:05
So setting yourself up for success is really hard.
36:10
You mentioned Brazil, and all day, every time I go to Brazil,
36:15
I go through the same thing. Even though I go in winter
36:18
nowadays, I still go through the same mental prep because some
36:23
people know me in Brazil but others don't, and that doesn't
36:27
really affect me. That's actually nice.
36:31
I enjoy going to parties where people don't really see me as a
36:34
teacher. But what really takes me a lot
36:38
of prep when I go to Brazil is how diverse the styles are in
36:44
the same social. It's a Russian roulette on what
36:48
you're going to get when you invite somebody to dance.
36:51
That is something that I really need to prepare myself to.
36:55
When I go to a certain city in North America or event or Europe
37:01
or Australia or Asia, I know what I'm going to get.
37:04
I know, OK, people like to dance like this.
37:06
Here, cool, I'm ready. But in Brazil it's not.
37:10
It's such a mixed pot that I think the biggest thing for me
37:15
when I go there is to prepare myself for anything and
37:19
everything. When I go to a high expectation
37:22
event is to prepare myself to be grounded.
37:25
That people may have expectations, but I need to
37:29
bring myself as a dancer and have a good time, just like a
37:33
student. Or when I go to a Weekender,
37:36
it's me. I am the artist.
37:38
I'm the person that people are there to learn and to dance with
37:42
or just to watch, but I still want to prepare myself to be a
37:46
grounded person, dancer that is there to enjoy a good time, just
37:52
like the next person. I don't want to allow myself to
37:57
get to a place where I'm nervous and I'm conscious and I'm
38:00
stressed because of all of the expectations that maybe some
38:07
people have towards me or that I put on myself.
38:11
That's the hardest thing. So connecting this with do I
38:16
fake social dancing or do I always enjoy social dancing?
38:21
No, I don't fake social dancing. No, I don't always enjoy social
38:25
dancing. That's the reality.
38:28
That's the cold hard truth. I don't fake it because I'm
38:31
going to try to find an overall enjoyment with everything that
38:36
is going on. And I don't always enjoy it
38:39
because I'm human and sometimes the partner is perfect, the
38:44
music's perfect, the environment is perfect, but I'm not in a
38:48
good place. So I can't blame anybody else
38:52
and I'm not going to blame myself either.
38:54
I'm just going to observe and try to do better next time.
38:58
That's the hardest thing in a lesson that I think it's taken
39:02
me over 20 years to learn, and I'm still learning and getting
39:09
better at it. But every time I succeed with it
39:13
and I feel like, you know what, tonight was a good night.
39:16
I tried to, you know, store that in my brain, in my body,
39:20
everything that happened. And I tried to bring that for
39:23
the next time because it's beautiful.
39:26
It's beautiful when you can find ways to have fun and to enjoy
39:31
whatever is happening because you've shifted your perspective
39:36
and your expectations. I really love when that happens,
39:41
and my major goal in life is to get better with that in all
39:45
aspects, personal, professional, family, friends, all of these
39:49
things. Yeah, super nice.
39:51
The last thing I wanted to say, adding on to what you were
39:55
mentioning, Allison, is perhaps something that people don't look
39:59
into it very much according to my experience, is teaching.
40:03
Which refers to what do you consider to be the good
40:06
experience? What do you consider to be the
40:08
good dance or the ideal one? That's really important, I think
40:14
to look into and you will find out interesting.
40:19
You have interesting discoveries when you ask your question what
40:22
is the good dance for me or what would be the good dance for me
40:27
right now? Yeah.
40:28
How do you define success or failure?
40:30
This is a big life lesson that everybody really needs to dig
40:35
into. You know, a lot of us think that
40:38
success is this and then failure is that.
40:41
But when you really look deep, deep, deep, deep inside, that
40:45
might actually flip upside down. Exactly.
40:49
I had this soul searching here, let's call it soul searching a
40:52
couple years ago when I understood that what the good
40:55
dance meant to me, it was a combination of factors that
40:59
needed to exist in order for me to feel satisfied with the dance
41:03
in the 1st place. And then realizing that this
41:06
combination of factors was actually really hard to get to
41:10
get all these things aligned like this.
41:12
It was actually difficult. And then understanding that I
41:15
was putting a lot of my joy in dancing in elements that many
41:20
times I have absolutely no control.
41:22
So figuring out what the good dance is to you and
41:27
understanding that right now in your concept of a good dance,
41:31
you might have too many external factors involved that will cause
41:37
the stars to not align more often because there are all
41:41
these things that you are not controlled.
41:44
So what I did for myself was what a good dance is for me,
41:47
what elements the good dance has they shrunk to a couple of them
41:55
and some of them, most of them I is referring to me, you know,
42:00
like what is the story that I'm telling myself when I go into
42:03
the dance, the event? What is it that I can do for my
42:08
own enjoyment in that experience, You know, and
42:11
realizing that in applying these things, the dances in general
42:16
become more enjoyable and the stars align more easily than
42:20
they wouldn't. So I started to enjoy dancing
42:25
with more people from different schools, from different
42:28
techniques, from all these things because I was not putting
42:32
the responsibility of my joy in them.
42:35
You know, there is one thing that is still an external factor
42:41
that gets to me sometime, which is the thing we talked in the
42:44
beginning. The interaction, you know, that
42:47
thing is still gets to me. It doesn't depend on me 100% and
42:51
it still gets to me. And depending on the energy that
42:56
you have, depend on the level of energy that you have that day,
42:59
that moment, and the other elements catch you more or less.
43:02
So the music will get you more or less.
43:04
How comfortable the dance is will get you more or less.
43:08
So it's again the idea of self observation and engaging how
43:12
much energy you have for thing A or thing B.
43:16
But in the end, I think is this question, what is the good dance
43:23
for me? What elements the good dance has
43:27
and just by looking at them, seeing how much is relying on
43:31
somebody else or something else and how much can I take
43:35
ownership of it and how much can I make in my own.
43:38
You know, So that can make a big difference in how easy or how
43:42
hard it is for you to connect with more people when it's
43:46
social dancing. And to finalize and acknowledge
43:50
that I am saying all of this from the perspective of a
43:53
primary leader, you know. So I think you'll be good,
43:56
Allison, when we have a follower again to do this episode again
44:01
and ask them the same questions because pretty sure the reality
44:05
for them is quite different. And so be interesting to know
44:10
what they would have to say about all this.
44:12
Absolutely. I would love that.
44:15
And that's one of the reasons why there are some topics that
44:18
you guys may be requesting from us that we don't approach right
44:23
away because we believe that those topics would be best with
44:27
a more balanced perspective from leaders and followers.
44:31
And we might have that opportunity in the coming weeks.
44:35
Right? Yeah.
44:35
Paloma will be joining Gee in their tour, and they'll be
44:38
together traveling for a couple of months.
44:42
So fingers crossed. Yes, we shall have both of them
44:46
for many more episodes. And with that in mind, guys,
44:50
thank you so, so much for being here.
44:53
Do us a favor, please make sure that you go down on the app that
44:57
you're using now and make sure that you have followed us and
45:01
subscribe to us. This really help us continue
45:04
growing here. This is something that we love
45:07
so much and we want to continue doing.
45:09
And your support means the world to us.
45:12
And now I'll see you on the next episode.
45:16
So thank you. Thank you Dangerous Pages,
45:19
Abrasus and Tao. Bye.
45:22
Everyone.