Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #98 When Your Child is Struggling With Self-Confidence

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#98 When Your Child is Struggling With Self-Confidence · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's Podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants Answers
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Now Where Luke and Susie, a husband and wife radio
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  Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today
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  Speaker 1: we're going to be joined in the studio by not
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  Speaker 1: just doctor Justin Coilson, but his wife Kylie as well
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  Speaker 1: as we talk about daughters, your children heading into their
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  Speaker 1: teenagehood who are struggling with their self confidence. A great
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  Speaker 1: question that's come through to the show, and we've got
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  Speaker 1: two people here to answer it, mom and dad of
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  Speaker 1: six girls, because it is a daughter related question. My
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  Speaker 1: daughter is twelve and due to some extreme circumstances, has
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  Speaker 1: lost her self confidence and is talking negatively about herself.
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  Speaker 1: How can I, as her mother help her now? Unfortunately,
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  Speaker 1: we can't start back at two or three years old
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  Speaker 1: to build self confidence to make sure she's got the resilience.
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  Speaker 1: So we're starting with a twelve year old. Doctor Justin
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  Speaker 1: Coulson and his wife Kylie joins us in the studio. Kyli,
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  Speaker 1: it's great to see you here. Thank you, thanks for
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  Speaker 1: being here. On another opportunity of you being here, will
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  Speaker 1: ask you loads of questions about what Justin's really love.
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  Speaker 2: This is art with that, we'll take an extent feeling nervous.
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  Speaker 3: Missus Happy Families is going to say all the right things.
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  Speaker 1: But you are a mother of six girls? Is this
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  Speaker 1: something you've had because you've got three older, three younger?
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  Speaker 1: So the three who was sort of in that older bracket,
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  Speaker 1: have you had to address a self confidence issue with
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  Speaker 1: them at all along the way?
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  Speaker 4: Probably?
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  Speaker 2: Daily?
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  Speaker 4: There are challenges all the time, I think.
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  Speaker 3: So it's a human thing to like confidence, right, there
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  Speaker 3: are some people who are very very confident that most
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  Speaker 3: of us question ourselves, especially within the walls of our
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  Speaker 3: own home.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's a big question. Jacqueline's ask a twelve
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  Speaker 1: year old. We know nothing of the circumstances. We just
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  Speaker 1: know that there's been a set of circumstances. She's lost
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  Speaker 1: her self confidence and mum wants to help. She desperately
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  Speaker 1: wants to reinstill this sense of value and worth in
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  Speaker 1: her daughter. How does she do it?
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  Speaker 4: I think one of the most important things. It's really
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  Speaker 4: really hard, because, like Justin touched on, we all have
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  Speaker 4: self doubt. Is ensuring that our children don't care us
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  Speaker 4: talking about ourselves badly. That's a really I think that's
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  Speaker 4: really important. Children need to know that, you know, we're
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  Speaker 4: not looking in the mirror and constantly saying I wish
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  Speaker 4: I could just lose.
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  Speaker 2: By kilos or.
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  Speaker 4: Because all of those things send a message to them
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  Speaker 4: that says, well, what's wrong with me? And I think
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  Speaker 4: that if we can, if we can model the fact
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  Speaker 4: that it's okay to accept ourselves the way we are
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  Speaker 4: without having to put ourselves down, that that's number one.
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  Speaker 4: Number one is just so important.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know how it could be the best piece
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  Speaker 1: of advice we've ever had.
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  Speaker 4: If you.
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  Speaker 1: So valuable, isn't it? Because when it comes to to
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  Speaker 1: say that to help our child actually starts with how
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  Speaker 1: we treat our elves. That's incredible. We have control over
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  Speaker 1: that because we can't control how they're going to respond,
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  Speaker 1: but we can control how we talk to ourselves. I
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  Speaker 1: think that's absolute genius.
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  Speaker 2: You know, ourself talk.
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  Speaker 3: I'll often be talking to students who are struggling with.
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  Speaker 2: Particularly the perfectionist teenage girl.
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  Speaker 3: And she doesn't get the grade that she wants, and
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  Speaker 3: she says, I'm a loser and I hate maths that
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  Speaker 3: I'm never doing this again, and says a lot of
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  Speaker 3: these terrible things about herself because she hasn't done as
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  Speaker 3: well as she wanted in the cross country or the
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  Speaker 3: swing incuntible, whatever it was. And my response to that is,
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  Speaker 3: if you heard somebody talking to a friend or to
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  Speaker 3: their own child the way you're talking to yourself, what
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  Speaker 3: would you think about that?
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  Speaker 2: And you'd say, well, that's terrible.
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  Speaker 3: You can't say that to people, and yet we say
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  Speaker 3: it to ourselves all the time, all the time. So
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  Speaker 3: I always encourage these girls to think, what would I
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  Speaker 3: say to my friend if she was going through this?
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  Speaker 2: And maybe we need to say that to ourselves.
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  Speaker 5: It was a funny thing I've always picked me up
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  Speaker 5: on recently because we've got we've got a rule that
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  Speaker 5: there's the way we do things as a families. We
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  Speaker 5: say things that are designed to make people feel better.
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  Speaker 5: And there's certain words that, under no circumstances, make someone
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  Speaker 5: feel better about themselves, and one of them is to
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  Speaker 5: say the word fat, like nobody ever feels better because
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  Speaker 5: that word has been used in reference to them or anybody,
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  Speaker 5: And so we talk about that, and so it's been
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  Speaker 5: drilled in that that's a word that we don't use
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  Speaker 5: and to describe anything. So at one point, I think
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  Speaker 5: when Tyson was about four, he said, well, they're very bold. Okay,
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  Speaker 5: that's an interesting that bold you font. But then I
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  Speaker 5: made a joke about myself and.
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  Speaker 2: They said, hey, Dad, you can't say that.
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  Speaker 5: Why can you say it about yourself but we can't
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  Speaker 5: say it? I went, oh, because it was It was
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  Speaker 5: just a joke, and it was a self deprecating joke.
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  Speaker 5: But what a what a great pull up, what a
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  Speaker 5: great indication. They pulled up on how I talked about
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  Speaker 5: myself and said, well, if it's not okay, it's it's
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  Speaker 5: never okay. So Dad got schooled on that particular one.
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  Speaker 5: But they're listening and they're seeing it, witnessing how we
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  Speaker 5: talk about ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: It's so great.
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  Speaker 3: I'm thinking as well, Susie and Luke about this question.
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  Speaker 3: And you've got a girl or a boy for that matter,
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  Speaker 3: who's lacking in confidence. There's a handful of other things
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  Speaker 3: that really strike me as being important. One of those
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  Speaker 3: things relates to what you're saying, Luke, and that is
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  Speaker 3: we've got to be so careful about the way we
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  Speaker 3: are engaging with our children. In a previous conversation that
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  Speaker 3: I've had with you, We've discussed how critical it is
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  Speaker 3: that we provide lots and lots of connection and a
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  Speaker 3: little less correction and direction. See if we're in a
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  Speaker 3: relationship with somebody who's constantly telling us what to do
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  Speaker 3: and when to do it, and why haven't you done
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  Speaker 3: it already? And for goodness sakes not like that. What
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  Speaker 3: happens is our confidence takes a hammering. I mean, it's
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  Speaker 3: okay to receive some correction and direction, we need that,
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  Speaker 3: but when it's over arching in terms of everything else,
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  Speaker 3: it happens in a relationship that's awfully destructive.
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  Speaker 2: And I would also.
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  Speaker 3: Suggest let's find what light's them up. When are they confident?
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  Speaker 3: When are they feeling like they can conquer the world,
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  Speaker 3: or at least when are they bright and shiny and
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  Speaker 3: energetic and vital, And let's see if we can get
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  Speaker 3: them doing more of those kinds of things.
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  Speaker 5: How much of a situation like in this question with
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  Speaker 5: theres there's extreme circumstances which has led to this so
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  Speaker 5: with no detail, But with that, is it easy for
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  Speaker 5: us as parents to kind of assume that everything is
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  Speaker 5: a symptom of that thing. When something big has happened
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  Speaker 5: to a child and sort of disregard the normal child,
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  Speaker 5: Like there's things that as twelve year old girls, I'm
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  Speaker 5: sure we go through and maybe we can overlook some
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  Speaker 5: of the simple little things because it's all put down
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  Speaker 5: to the cause of the big thing.
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  Speaker 3: Definitely, as a dad to six daughters, I have discovered
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  Speaker 3: I'm a little slow to the party here, but I've
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  Speaker 3: discovered that a monthly cycle can actually be really traumatic
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  Speaker 3: and that there's nothing else going on in life except
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  Speaker 3: that this is a really big deal for a twelve
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  Speaker 3: or a thirteen year old girl. And once upon a
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  Speaker 3: time we didn't talk about this stuff, right, but until
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  Speaker 3: we if you can't mention it, you can't manage it.
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  Speaker 3: That's a great quote from mister Rogers from that Beautiful
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  Speaker 3: Day in the Neighborhood film, which was just maybe bore
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  Speaker 3: my eyes out, gorgeous, gorgeous film. If it's mentionable, it's manageable.
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  Speaker 3: And so we need to acknowledge there are other things
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  Speaker 3: going on hormonally and psychologically and emotionally for our children
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  Speaker 3: that may may not have anything to do with the
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  Speaker 3: big thing that we think is causing it. They might
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  Speaker 3: just be having a really lousy day or a really
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  Speaker 3: lousy week.
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  Speaker 5: So then, Carlie, for us as males who are clueless
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  Speaker 5: to this life experience and other similar female based experiences,
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  Speaker 5: what do we do as a dad, you know, because
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  Speaker 5: we can't go well, blame it on us. Apparently that
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  Speaker 5: doesn't work. So what advice would you give to guys
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  Speaker 5: to navigate a teenage girl in that space?
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  Speaker 2: That's not what I do.
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  Speaker 5: That's not what I do, So starting to lose the job.
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  Speaker 2: No, that's not what Justin does at all. I think
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  Speaker 2: that I think.
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  Speaker 4: That one of the most important things is connecting with
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  Speaker 4: that sensitive side that we all have but sometimes we
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  Speaker 4: don't tap into as much as we need to, especially
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  Speaker 4: with daughters, but just taking time to just be with them.
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  Speaker 4: One of the things that Justin does with the girls
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  Speaker 4: is going for a walk and just getting outside of
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  Speaker 4: the box a little bit and just spending time together
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  Speaker 4: because the reality is that sometimes they don't understand what's
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  Speaker 4: going on, and sometimes there is nothing more going on
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  Speaker 4: than just that it's just that time of the month
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  Speaker 4: and life is hard and we don't understand it and
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  Speaker 4: we can't explain it. And just getting outside and being
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  Speaker 4: able to just go and have a walk and enjoy
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  Speaker 4: nature and time together is enough to just kind of
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  Speaker 4: calm things down.
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  Speaker 3: See comes back to the thing that I'm really talking
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  Speaker 3: a lot about lately, and that is our children. If
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  Speaker 3: they're going to feel good about themselves, they need to
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  Speaker 3: know that they made it to us, that they be long,
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  Speaker 3: and that they are worthy.
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  Speaker 2: This would worthiness.
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  Speaker 3: It obviously has a lot of religious connotations, but I'm
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  Speaker 3: not talking about it in that context. I'm just talking
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  Speaker 3: about I see you as a human who was worthy
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  Speaker 3: of my love and undivided attention. And we had one
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  Speaker 3: of our children recently who was having a mega meltdown,
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  Speaker 3: And the context is probably irrelevant for this conversation, except
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  Speaker 3: that she was having a massive meltdown.
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  Speaker 2: She was angry, she was losing the plot.
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  Speaker 3: She's struggled a little bit with her confidence from time
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  Speaker 3: to time, and it just wasn't working. And the natural
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  Speaker 3: reaction as a parent is to say, would you just
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  Speaker 3: calm down, would you stop it?
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  Speaker 2: Would you be nice to your sister. If you're going
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  Speaker 2: to behave like that, you're out of here. That kind
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  Speaker 2: of thing.
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  Speaker 3: But I went to her and I gently held her shoulders.
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  Speaker 3: I assure you it was gentle. I wanted to shake
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  Speaker 3: her shoulders, but I held her shoulders. I looked at
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  Speaker 3: her and I said, another in inside you is just
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  Speaker 3: such a good heart that is desperate to be heard,
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  Speaker 3: and right now you're so upset. But if we can
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  Speaker 3: just hug, I know that you'll feel better and that
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  Speaker 3: goodness will come back out.
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  Speaker 2: And amazingly, she melted into me.
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  Speaker 3: Now I know that for some parents, they'll try that
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  Speaker 3: and their daughter will scream at them and storm down
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  Speaker 3: the corridor and slam the door. But this daughter, in
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  Speaker 3: this instant, she looked at me and then she just
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  Speaker 3: melted into my chest, put her arms around me, and
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  Speaker 3: sobbed for a couple of minutes. And when she was
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  Speaker 3: finished sobbing, I looked at her in the eyes again
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  Speaker 3: I said, I feel like the goodness is finding its
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  Speaker 3: way back out again. What I was doing essentially in
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  Speaker 3: that moment as I was saying, I know that you're
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  Speaker 3: intrinsically good. I know right now you're having an awful time.
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  Speaker 3: But if we can just sit in this moment together,
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  Speaker 3: we can get through it and things will be okay.
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  Speaker 5: And they were that moment requires grace. That was as
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  Speaker 5: the parent you offered grace to someone who madded, and
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  Speaker 5: I've reminded because it's a been a big, big topic
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  Speaker 5: of a big passion for us as we've been talking
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  Speaker 5: the last few months. But I realized how quick I
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  Speaker 5: was to offer grace to a stranger, how easy it
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  Speaker 5: was to offer us grace to a colleague or to
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  Speaker 5: a client, but how short my fuse was to remove
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  Speaker 5: grace from my children, And they didn't have to do
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  Speaker 5: anywhere near as much wrong or offensive before I was
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  Speaker 5: angry and upset with them, And I just reminded and
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  Speaker 5: convicted recently to go. They should be receiving equal, if
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  Speaker 5: not more, amounts of grace than anybody else in my world.
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  Speaker 5: But man, it's hard at times when you just let
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  Speaker 5: yourself go, because you could easily escalate that yourself by
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  Speaker 5: being frustrated with the girls.
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  Speaker 2: Beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: And there's another term that I've been talking about a
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  Speaker 3: lot lately. That's, I guess synonymous, and there's compassion. Our
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  Speaker 3: children need us to be compassionate, and I use that
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  Speaker 3: word all the time, but it wasn't until recently that
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  Speaker 3: I went and looked it up. The etymology of compassion.
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  Speaker 3: Compassion to words in Latin calm means together with others.
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  Speaker 3: So we communicate in a community, we are in a company,
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  Speaker 3: we have combat com with others. Passion you use the word,
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  Speaker 3: and normally when we say I'm passionate about something, it's
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  Speaker 3: like I'm really energized, I'm right into it. It's like
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  Speaker 3: Tony Robbins rah rah rah passion. But passion actually means
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  Speaker 3: historically suffering. So when we have compassion, we suffer together.
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  Speaker 3: And that's what I tried to do with my daughter.
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  Speaker 3: You can call it grace, you can call it compassion,
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  Speaker 3: you can call it charity or love, but what it
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  Speaker 3: was was a dad who fortunately got it right that day,
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  Speaker 3: who went to a daughter who was suffering. Our daughters
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  Speaker 3: and sons behave in challenging ways when they're feeling challenged.
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  Speaker 3: They don't need us to get cranky at them. They
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  Speaker 3: need us to sit in that challenge with them. And
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  Speaker 3: that's what I tried to do. And I think that's
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  Speaker 3: what this mum might do more with her daughter, less
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  Speaker 3: correction and direction, more compassion, get her spending time doing
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  Speaker 3: things that light her up, and as Kylie said, speaking
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  Speaker 3: well about herself and not actually doing things that would
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  Speaker 3: make it look like she's not confident herself.
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  Speaker 1: So good. We so appreciate you being here, Kylie Justin.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: It's always great when you're in studio with us. Have
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: your families dot com today. There's loads of resources there
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: that can help along with parenting as well.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Thanks for being here, Thanks for having us.
• 13:13
  Speaker 5: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to
• 13:15
  Speaker 5: leave a rating and review.
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: Now.
• 13:17
  Speaker 5: Some people get on there and they click the stars
• 13:19
  Speaker 5: and then they write a sentence or two, and then
• 13:21
  Speaker 5: there's other people suit I.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Like travel Scribe. I love this right O, get you
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: ready for this? A couple of years ago, my wife,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: an early childhood teacher, came back from a seminar raving
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: about this guy that had spoken at it a parenting expert.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Oh off, some smarmy, judgmental know it all great, And
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: she said, no, seriously, I know I thought that to
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: it first, but he was great, and I got his DVD.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: He said. I didn't think more about it until a
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: rainy afternoon and our daughter was asleep. We were between
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: Netflix series and so I had nowhere to go when
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: she whipped out that DVD and put it on. This
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: is how it progressed from there. You ready, right whatever?
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: Doctor Seuss yeah, okay, maybe he's right about that. All right,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: that too, and that never thought of it like that.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I'm listening to Justin and then sitting on the edge
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: of the couch and leaning in. Tell me more, Oh wise, sage,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: if we have any more kids, I reckon Justin is
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: a cool name. Since then, we've been to webinars, live seminars,
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: watch YouTube clips, read his books, and now I'm listening
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: to the podcast. I've put this stuff into action and
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: even had to email him when a scenario described played
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: at exactly as he said it would. I've emailed and
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: tweeted him, and while I'm sure he has his moments,
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: he always responds with nothing but sincerity and non judgmental help.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: But putting all that aside, this stuff works. Not works
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: like some sort of cynical parenting hack to manipulate your
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: kids into eating sprouts, but in a full blown, life changing,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: family enhancing kind of way. Sure, our daughter can still
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: be a right little bag at times, but whenever we
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: row back and replay the advice, things improve. Some of
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: it sounds counterintuitive, but so what what have you got
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: to lose? And that things said? Sorry that bit about
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: calling a kid Justin not true.
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  Speaker 5: Well that's a shame, isn't it. You could do something
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: like that as well. But if you would like Justin
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: to come speak at your school organization so that you
• 15:08
  Speaker 5: can get your partner a DVD, then all you need
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: to do is visit happy families dot com dot au