Latest / QUESTION EVERYTHING / The Birthday Pressure We Don’t Talk About with Alexandra Hayes

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The Birthday Pressure We Don’t Talk About with Alexandra Hayes · QUESTION EVERYTHING

0:03
Speaker 1: No one has all the answers, but when we ask
0:05
Speaker 1: the right questions, we get a little closer, closer to truths,
0:11
Speaker 1: closer to each other, even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist
0:16
Speaker 1: Danielle Robe, and each week, my guests and I come
0:19
Speaker 1: together to challenge the status quo and our own ways
0:22
Speaker 1: of thinking by daring to ask what if, why not?
0:28
Speaker 2: And who says?
0:30
Speaker 1: So? Come curious, dig deep, and join the conversation. It's
0:35
Speaker 1: time to question everything. I have a question for you.
0:42
Speaker 1: Are you a birthday person? If you're a birthday person,
0:45
Speaker 1: you aren't just celebrating the day, You are celebrating the month.
0:48
Speaker 1: You maybe have a crown, you have a birthday dress,
0:51
Speaker 1: and everybody is going to know it's your birthday. And
0:54
Speaker 1: if you're not a birthday person, well you're exactly the opposite,
0:57
Speaker 1: right you want to hang on the couch with two
0:59
Speaker 1: friends or hid under the covers. There are birthday people
1:02
Speaker 1: and then there are non birthday people, and I guess
1:05
Speaker 1: some of us fall somewhere in the middle. But everybody
1:09
Speaker 1: has a relationship with their birthday, and so whether you
1:11
Speaker 1: love it or you dread it, or you try to
1:14
Speaker 1: ignore it altogether, there's usually a reason why. For some
1:20
Speaker 1: of us, I think turning a year older brings about
1:23
Speaker 1: reflection and celebration, and for others it can bring about
1:27
Speaker 1: pressure or comparison or grief, and honestly, oftentimes it's a
1:31
Speaker 1: mix of all of it, or sometimes it even just
1:33
Speaker 1: depends on the year. So I went backwards and I
1:37
Speaker 1: found something so interesting. Birthdays didn't used to be so personal.
1:42
Speaker 1: In ancient Greece, birthdays weren't about the individual, but rather
1:47
Speaker 1: the honoring of gods in a ritual that included round
1:50
Speaker 1: cakes with candles offered to Artemis, the moon goddess, and
1:55
Speaker 1: they used candles on the cake because they believe that
1:58
Speaker 1: smoke carried prayers upwards. Birthdays weren't about celebration but protection.
2:04
Speaker 1: How cool is that. I love that idea. I love
2:07
Speaker 1: that image of the smoke being carried upwards out of protection. Now,
2:12
Speaker 1: I guess I should tell you why we're doing today's episode.
2:15
Speaker 1: It's my thirty fifth birthday today, and thirty five feels
2:19
Speaker 1: sturdy to me. You know, the idea that you're not
2:21
Speaker 1: a girl, not yet a woman. I don't feel that
2:24
Speaker 1: at thirty five. I feel full woman. I guess I
2:29
Speaker 1: kind of see it in my face, but I also
2:32
Speaker 1: feel it my body and my spirit and my soul.
2:36
Speaker 2: I feel so much more sturdy.
2:38
Speaker 1: And I wanted to find a way to mark my
2:41
Speaker 1: thirty fifth birthday, and I really wanted to do it
2:43
Speaker 1: with you. So in this episode, we're going to ponder
2:47
Speaker 1: about our shared experiences with birthdays, what they bring up
2:51
Speaker 1: for us, what they reveal about how we measure time
2:54
Speaker 1: and growth in ourselves. And I am having a totally
2:58
Speaker 1: off book conversation and I don't think it would be
3:01
Speaker 1: a question everything episode without some deep reflection, right, So
3:04
Speaker 1: I want to invite everybody to ask yourself some of
3:07
Speaker 1: the questions that my guests and I are going to
3:10
Speaker 1: ponder along the way, like what do birthdays bring up
3:13
Speaker 1: for us?
3:14
Speaker 2: What are some of our worst and best birthdays? And
3:18
Speaker 2: who are.
3:18
Speaker 1: We becoming even if it doesn't look the way we expected.
3:21
Speaker 1: And when I thought about who I wanted to have
3:23
Speaker 1: this conversation with, there was only one girl that came
3:26
Speaker 1: to mind, and I should say woman. She knows how
3:29
Speaker 1: to sit with big questions and big feelings and she's
3:33
Speaker 1: a friend and one of my favorite conversation partners.
3:37
Speaker 2: Her name is Alexandra Hayes. And you may know her online.
3:41
Speaker 1: As Hello Hayes. She's a beautiful writer and a beautiful
3:45
Speaker 1: advice giver. She's the person you go to for the
3:48
Speaker 1: thoughts that spiral. At two am, she gets thousands of
3:51
Speaker 1: messages from people all over the world asking the big
3:54
Speaker 1: messy wait is this normal? Questions, and then she answers
3:59
Speaker 1: them with so much honesty and nuance and heart and
4:02
Speaker 1: zero judgment. She's really built a beautiful safe corner of
4:06
Speaker 1: the Internet. She has hundreds of thousands of followers on TikTok,
4:10
Speaker 1: and it still feels like she's just sending you a
4:13
Speaker 1: voice note from a friend, no matter what video she's recording.
4:16
Speaker 1: She has equal parts comforting and clarifying and grounding. And
4:20
Speaker 1: she really has a gift for making people feel seen.
4:23
Speaker 1: I really can't say that about many people. I feel
4:26
Speaker 1: loved and cared for by a lot of people, but
4:29
Speaker 1: I don't always feel seen.
4:31
Speaker 2: And Alexandra Hayes gives me that gift. So here is.
4:35
Speaker 1: Very unfiltered conversation and it is time to question everything.
4:40
Speaker 2: Thirty fifth Birthday.
4:41
Speaker 1: Edition, Alexandra Hayes, thank you so much for doing this
4:51
Speaker 1: with me. There is nobody else that I would want
4:54
Speaker 1: to talk about birthdays with than you.
4:56
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so happy to be here. I was so
4:57
Speaker 3: honored when you asked.
4:58
Speaker 1: One of the reasons that I really wanted us to
5:00
Speaker 1: have this conversation was I feel so myself with you.
5:05
Speaker 1: And even though we are somewhat newer friends, like a
5:08
Speaker 1: little over a year, I would say two years.
5:11
Speaker 3: How crazy is that.
5:11
Speaker 2: It's two years.
5:12
Speaker 4: It's gonna be two years in March, which I only
5:14
Speaker 4: remember because when we met was like a hard point
5:17
Speaker 4: in my life.
5:18
Speaker 3: I was two years baby.
5:19
Speaker 1: Okay, that makes me feel a little bit better because
5:21
Speaker 1: we have more history than that. But I feel really
5:23
Speaker 1: myself with you. And when I was thinking about my
5:26
Speaker 1: thirty fifth birthday episode, I am thirty five today, which
5:29
Speaker 1: I can't believe my parents have a thirty five year
5:32
Speaker 1: old child.
5:32
Speaker 3: It's an exciting number.
5:34
Speaker 1: But go on, well, I was like, who can I
5:36
Speaker 1: sit with and talk about this in a nuanced way,
5:40
Speaker 1: and Alexandre Hayes came to my mind. We sit on
5:43
Speaker 1: my couch and we talk about everything with so much nuance.
5:45
Speaker 1: People that listen to this podcast would probably love it.
5:47
Speaker 4: It would be fine if we just threw the mic
5:49
Speaker 4: on our conversations. Are always so great.
5:51
Speaker 1: So tell me about your relationship with birthdays. How do
5:54
Speaker 1: you feel about them? Do you look forward to them?
5:57
Speaker 1: Are you anxious about them?
5:59
Speaker 2: A little bit of blare.
6:00
Speaker 4: First of all, happy freaking birthday. I'm so happy to
6:02
Speaker 4: be here with you and be talking about this. So
6:03
Speaker 4: Number one, I think I feel both. I have this
6:07
Speaker 4: mantra that I don't remember exactly when I came up with,
6:10
Speaker 4: but it's called a day is just a day, And
6:13
Speaker 4: the purpose of that mantra is to try to like
6:15
Speaker 4: neutralize some of the pressure that we put on milestone days,
6:19
Speaker 4: whether it's your birthday, whether it's your college graduation, whether
6:23
Speaker 4: it's your wedding. You know, my parents are divorced. They
6:25
Speaker 4: got divorced when I was in eighth grade, and I
6:28
Speaker 4: definitely had an impact on that mantra. Like from a
6:31
Speaker 4: young age, I started to learn I'm only going to
6:33
Speaker 4: be with my mom on my birthday and holidays are split.
6:35
Speaker 4: So it was sort of that ethos sort of came
6:38
Speaker 4: into my life through challenging circumstances. In some ways, I
6:42
Speaker 4: think it's been something that's really helped me deal with
6:45
Speaker 4: disappointment or managing expectations around birthdays. And such, which I
6:50
Speaker 4: guess just speaks to the fact that they are complicated.
6:53
Speaker 4: For me, they've gotten better with age. I feel like
6:55
Speaker 4: I have a really good inner circle of people who
6:57
Speaker 4: love me and want to support me and want to
6:59
Speaker 4: celebrate me. So I don't find myself that disappointed anymore
7:03
Speaker 4: on my birthday. But old feelings of disappointment you can
7:07
Speaker 4: never really get rid of them. And something I think
7:09
Speaker 4: I still struggle with a little bit is like how
7:11
Speaker 4: to move into the future and be excited about birthdays,
7:15
Speaker 4: but also like let go of kind of the baggage
7:17
Speaker 4: from before, if that makes sense.
7:19
Speaker 1: And was that baggage mostly familial or was it like
7:22
Speaker 1: you would invite people to a party at school and
7:24
Speaker 1: like some of the people you wanted didn't show up,
7:27
Speaker 1: it was mostly familial?
7:28
Speaker 4: I think, like whether it was a birthday or any
7:32
Speaker 4: type of celebration where you sort of have like one
7:35
Speaker 4: image of what that celebration looks like with your family
7:37
Speaker 4: and your friends. I think when you come from kind
7:40
Speaker 4: of a complicated family dynamic, you're reminded on those days
7:43
Speaker 4: that you don't have that. So I think it's partially that,
7:47
Speaker 4: But then you know, my eighteenth birthday, I was dating
7:50
Speaker 4: a guy in high school who was two years older
7:52
Speaker 4: than me, and I truly thought that we were going
7:53
Speaker 4: to get married. And everybody says that, but let me
7:55
Speaker 4: tell you, like, he was the love of my life.
7:58
Speaker 4: We started dating when I was in eighth grade, two
8:01
Speaker 4: years older, and again it was when my parents were
8:03
Speaker 4: getting divorced, and he had this like, to me, perfect
8:06
Speaker 4: saving family. So I think I was totally projecting, like, oh,
8:09
Speaker 4: this is what I could have. He went to college,
8:12
Speaker 4: so when I turned eighteen my senior year, we were
8:14
Speaker 4: sort of doing that like on and off again thing.
8:17
Speaker 4: I don't know if you've ever been in that situation,
8:19
Speaker 4: Like we love each other, so we're not going to
8:20
Speaker 4: be together, we have freedom, but we're still going to
8:22
Speaker 4: talk all the time. He had invited me to his
8:24
Speaker 4: fraternity formal, which was the weekend of my eighteenth and
8:27
Speaker 4: there was this girl who was his best friend, and
8:29
Speaker 4: he insisted always that like, we're just friends. We're just friends.
8:32
Speaker 4: But I always had this really weird feeling about her,
8:34
Speaker 4: and she was never nice to me either when I
8:36
Speaker 4: would have to visit, and a couple of weeks before
8:37
Speaker 4: my eighteenth birthday, he told me not to come to
8:41
Speaker 4: the formal because he was bringing that girl. So that
8:43
Speaker 4: memory is like a funny one to me. But my
8:46
Speaker 4: friends came in to save the day. Like that memory
8:48
Speaker 4: is sort of funny because it was a heartbreaking memory
8:51
Speaker 4: in terms of love. But then my mom took me
8:53
Speaker 4: and my three best friends out to dinner. She got
8:55
Speaker 4: a back room at a steakhouse in town, and it
8:58
Speaker 4: ended up being this like kind of really happy memory.
9:00
Speaker 4: When I think back to those years that my friends
9:03
Speaker 4: were able to show up for me in that way.
9:05
Speaker 2: I think it's so cool.
9:06
Speaker 1: Because the reason I wanted to do a birthday episode
9:08
Speaker 1: is I think everybody has a different and similar relationship
9:12
Speaker 1: with birthdays.
9:12
Speaker 2: They are exciting.
9:13
Speaker 1: There have been amazing birthdays, and then there are birthdays
9:16
Speaker 1: that are so disappointing and sad. All the songs about
9:20
Speaker 1: crying on your birthday exist for a reason.
9:22
Speaker 3: What comes up for you.
9:23
Speaker 2: When I was a kid, I had a.
9:25
Speaker 1: Really happy relationship with birthdays, and kudos to my mother.
9:28
Speaker 1: I love my dad, but he had nothing to do
9:30
Speaker 1: with it ever, And all of the labor was my mother,
9:34
Speaker 1: her mother. So my grandmother is a Holocaust survivor, and
9:37
Speaker 1: my grandmother, Roady, was the only kid out of all
9:41
Speaker 1: the aunts and uncles that survived and came to America.
9:44
Speaker 1: And so my grandma Rody, her whole life was family,
9:49
Speaker 1: and so my mom was raised with that feeling of
9:52
Speaker 1: family first always and she really lived that out in
9:57
Speaker 1: my childhood. For every single birthday, we had a fan
10:00
Speaker 1: family party and a kid's party. We just like had
10:02
Speaker 1: this big family trip. All my cousins remember them. They
10:04
Speaker 1: asked me about them on this trip. They were like,
10:07
Speaker 1: we remember like being in your basement and your mom
10:10
Speaker 1: like would always have like a pinata and fun stuff
10:13
Speaker 1: and we would have this big family dinner and everyone
10:15
Speaker 1: was running around and talking, and those are such happy
10:19
Speaker 1: memories for me. The kids' parties were really fun too.
10:22
Speaker 1: I wonder what that was like for your mom.
10:23
Speaker 4: I mean, we don't think so much about the work
10:25
Speaker 4: our moms do when we're experiencing it, but like now,
10:28
Speaker 4: I'm curious what your mom would say about creating those
10:30
Speaker 4: birthdays for you.
10:31
Speaker 1: It was so much work, and my mom worked full
10:33
Speaker 1: time always, Like I've asked her multiple times, She's coming
10:36
Speaker 1: on the podcast. Maybe she'll give a proper answer finally,
10:39
Speaker 1: but I'm like dying to know how she did it.
10:41
Speaker 1: But as I got older, my relationship with birthdays changed.
10:46
Speaker 1: And on my eighteenth birthday and my freshman year of college,
10:49
Speaker 1: my good friend and I threw this like big party,
10:53
Speaker 1: and this guy was dating who I was so obsessed with,
10:56
Speaker 1: broke up with me on my birthday.
10:58
Speaker 2: I'll never forget it.
10:59
Speaker 3: What is what guys doing this on our birthdays?
11:01
Speaker 2: I was like, really, you couldn't have waited.
11:03
Speaker 1: Like that night after the party, we were like on
11:05
Speaker 1: my bed in my dorm room.
11:07
Speaker 2: Broke up with me.
11:08
Speaker 1: And I would say that was the beginning of tough birthdays.
11:12
Speaker 1: And when I look back, a lot of the tough
11:15
Speaker 1: stuff had to do with two things. It was either
11:18
Speaker 1: one men disappointing me or two feeling like I hadn't
11:23
Speaker 1: hit certain markers for myself goal wise and feeling like
11:27
Speaker 1: I was behind.
11:28
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
11:29
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think if I were to summarize it like that,
11:32
Speaker 4: my feelings would probably be just like yours.
11:34
Speaker 1: Like I have to tell you, my girlfriends have never
11:36
Speaker 1: disappointed me on my birthday. And I'm also like not
11:41
Speaker 1: a huge party person. I'm more of like a let's
11:45
Speaker 1: sit on the couch and have dinner or like you know,
11:48
Speaker 1: go to dinner or something chill. But I really feel
11:51
Speaker 1: like a lot of the disappointment has come from men.
11:54
Speaker 1: And I read Priya Parker's book The Art of Gathering,
11:57
Speaker 1: and it actually changed my whole look on birthdays and
12:01
Speaker 1: events in general, but specifically birthdays, because I actually had
12:03
Speaker 1: like stress around birthdays in a lot of ways. And
12:05
Speaker 1: she said, a few months before your birthday, think about
12:09
Speaker 1: the one word you want to feel when you wake
12:12
Speaker 1: up on that day, and plan whatever it is that
12:15
Speaker 1: you want around it, and take ownership over that day.
12:18
Speaker 1: Don't wait for somebody else, the sense of control. Let
12:22
Speaker 1: me breathe. And every year I've seemed to be craving
12:24
Speaker 1: something different. Sometimes I want peace and I'm like, okay,
12:27
Speaker 1: I'm going to take myself for a massage. That's how
12:29
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel peaceful that day. Or like on
12:31
Speaker 1: my thirtieth birthday, I was like, I want adventure and
12:34
Speaker 1: I planned a ski trip for myself and I had
12:36
Speaker 1: a man come, oh.
12:36
Speaker 3: Well, I really love this.
12:37
Speaker 4: And I think it speaks to you though, because I
12:40
Speaker 4: think a lot of people would struggle with the accountability
12:43
Speaker 4: part understandably, Like I think some people would be like,
12:46
Speaker 4: I shouldn't have to do this for myself. But I
12:48
Speaker 4: think the reality is that when you do it for yourself,
12:50
Speaker 4: other people join in.
12:51
Speaker 2: So interesting you say that.
12:53
Speaker 1: Yes, And what I've learned is and I've learned this
12:57
Speaker 1: through doing it, because I actually am a self proclaimed
13:00
Speaker 1: better friend now. I don't think I was a good
13:02
Speaker 1: friend in the past. I don't think I was a
13:03
Speaker 1: bad friend. I was never disloyal, it was never bad.
13:07
Speaker 1: But I don't think I understood how to be an
13:09
Speaker 1: actively good friend. And I only learned that through doing
13:13
Speaker 1: because I moved to LA and didn't know anybody and
13:17
Speaker 1: had to find my own community, and because I was
13:21
Speaker 1: working so much in my early twenties, like I did
13:23
Speaker 1: not even emphasize it the way that most people do
13:26
Speaker 1: when they move to a city.
13:27
Speaker 2: I was socially lazy.
13:28
Speaker 1: And so when I had a big breakup at twenty
13:31
Speaker 1: seven or twenty eight, I had somebody on the podcast
13:34
Speaker 1: who talked about this. But like that guy ended up
13:37
Speaker 1: I think cooking up well not sure ever with my
13:39
Speaker 1: best friend in LA at the time, and so I
13:41
Speaker 1: felt so isolated it alone.
13:43
Speaker 3: Did you know that?
13:44
Speaker 4: Then?
13:45
Speaker 2: Yes, I found them on the couch together.
13:47
Speaker 1: It went viral on TikTok because I was really honest
13:50
Speaker 1: about it.
13:50
Speaker 4: Wait, I think that maybe we got into this a
13:52
Speaker 4: little bit last time, but with a little bit of
13:53
Speaker 4: a different hook.
13:54
Speaker 3: But now I'm remembering and.
13:55
Speaker 1: Everyone was like, I cannot believe you're still friends with her.
13:58
Speaker 1: And I've actually never explained why I'm still friends with her,
14:00
Speaker 1: which I'm happy to do. But the point is that
14:03
Speaker 1: I had to actively seek out friendship. And the big
14:07
Speaker 1: thing I learned, and this is a life hack, is
14:10
Speaker 1: if you want anything, you have to be that thing.
14:13
Speaker 1: So if you want love, you have to be love.
14:15
Speaker 1: And if you want friendship, you have to give friendship.
14:19
Speaker 1: And so to circle all the way back to the
14:21
Speaker 1: brilliant thing you said, is like I actually found that
14:24
Speaker 1: when I started planning things for my friends, I started
14:27
Speaker 1: going above and beyond and not in a crazy financial way.
14:30
Speaker 1: Like my best friend from college this year, it was
14:32
Speaker 1: her thirty fourth birthday and she's a chill person. She
14:35
Speaker 1: wanted to just sit on the couch, so I said, Okay,
14:38
Speaker 1: come over, and she was expecting, you know, probably just
14:41
Speaker 1: like tea and crumpets, and I like had all of
14:44
Speaker 1: her favorite foods out and I had a little balloon
14:46
Speaker 1: and a note from like our other college friends, and
14:49
Speaker 1: I just made her feel loved and special and thought of.
14:52
Speaker 1: And I think when I started doing things like that
14:55
Speaker 1: for people, they started doing them for me.
14:57
Speaker 4: For someone to feel that you have gone above and
14:59
Speaker 4: beyond for me as a friend, it doesn't actually take
15:02
Speaker 4: very much. It really just takes you knowing what their word.
15:06
Speaker 4: Is you doing something small to speak to that word.
15:09
Speaker 1: That's really sweet. Yeah, it's knowing their word that's so beautiful.
15:12
Speaker 1: Do you think you could even ask them like, what
15:14
Speaker 1: word do you want to feel?
15:15
Speaker 3: Yeah?
15:15
Speaker 4: I think what you learned from Priya is a great
15:17
Speaker 4: little tool. If you have a friend whose birthday is
15:19
Speaker 4: coming up, you could ask them that question, what's one
15:21
Speaker 4: word you want to feel on your birthday? And then you,
15:23
Speaker 4: as the friend, can think about, Okay, what's something I
15:25
Speaker 4: can do to help create that?
15:27
Speaker 2: For Danielle, what's the best birthday you've ever had?
15:30
Speaker 1: And maybe best is a bad word, Like should I say, like,
15:33
Speaker 1: do you remember the most joy and glee you've ever
15:35
Speaker 1: felt on a birthday?
15:36
Speaker 4: I have something in my head that I will say,
15:37
Speaker 4: but I'll also say kind of no, which sort of
15:40
Speaker 4: makes me feel a little sad. I have so many
15:42
Speaker 4: moments for my life where I have felt joy and
15:44
Speaker 4: glee and just like, oh my god, I am so
15:46
Speaker 4: loved and I am so lucky. But it doesn't usually
15:48
Speaker 4: happen on my birthday because of the baggage of the birthday. Maybe,
15:52
Speaker 4: and it goes back to the day is just a day,
15:54
Speaker 4: Like we don't need to wait for our birthdays to
15:56
Speaker 4: feel that feeling, like the feeling of being loved or
16:00
Speaker 4: whatever word you choose. You have three hundred and sixty
16:02
Speaker 4: four other days of the year to harness that feeling.
16:05
Speaker 4: So it's hard for me to think of like a
16:06
Speaker 4: specific birthday where I felt that way. However, for my
16:08
Speaker 4: thirtieth birthday, Brian and I went to Vegas, Brian as
16:11
Speaker 4: my husband, just the two of us, which is kind
16:14
Speaker 4: of crazy. You would not think that Vegas fits well
16:16
Speaker 4: with my personality. Like I never liked going out in college.
16:20
Speaker 4: It was often an issue with my friends, like I
16:22
Speaker 4: just never wanted to go. I always wanted to leave
16:23
Speaker 4: the bar early. I am not a huge drinker, but
16:26
Speaker 4: I had gone on a bachelorette with one of my
16:28
Speaker 4: friends tests and tests like.
16:30
Speaker 3: It's one of those people that just does trips well.
16:32
Speaker 4: And I did this bachelorette and I wasn't sure how
16:34
Speaker 4: I was going to feel, but doing Vegas Tests's way,
16:36
Speaker 4: I was like, I love it here. So Brian and
16:39
Speaker 4: I went back, the two of us for my thirtieth
16:41
Speaker 4: two nights. Was it right when we moved here? Maybe
16:44
Speaker 4: we had already been living in LA for a year,
16:46
Speaker 4: but I was still working my full time job. I
16:48
Speaker 4: hadn't yet started my Hello Hayes content creator journey, but
16:51
Speaker 4: I was just on the precipice, so I didn't really
16:54
Speaker 4: have the fear and the pressure that I had shortly after.
16:58
Speaker 4: And I kind of was like, the world is oyster like.
17:00
Speaker 4: Things are going to happen for me. I'm becoming the
17:02
Speaker 4: person I know I can become, And it was just
17:05
Speaker 4: like one of those weekends that I felt free. I
17:08
Speaker 4: love my husband, but he does not have good taste.
17:11
Speaker 4: It's just not one of his strengths.
17:13
Speaker 2: Style wise or what are we talking like?
17:15
Speaker 3: Style like?
17:15
Speaker 4: One of MY favorite questions is to ask people like,
17:17
Speaker 4: how did they describe their style in three words? And
17:19
Speaker 4: Brian's words are soft, loose, and then he throws in classic.
17:24
Speaker 4: But I don't even know if he knows really what
17:26
Speaker 4: that means for my thirtieth, we went into the Chanel
17:29
Speaker 4: store in the Encore I think it was or the Win,
17:32
Speaker 4: and I bought this incredible navy blue sequin pair of
17:35
Speaker 4: heels and that was my thirtieth birthday gift and it
17:38
Speaker 4: was very special.
17:39
Speaker 2: You know, it's so fun those moments.
17:41
Speaker 1: Obviously, like having a big purchase is exciting regardless, but
17:44
Speaker 1: having that memory of like where you buy it and
17:47
Speaker 1: how you felt when you did it and what it
17:49
Speaker 1: was meant for is really cool.
17:50
Speaker 3: Yeah.
17:50
Speaker 4: And I had never walked into a store like that
17:52
Speaker 4: before and purchased something like that, so it was really fun.
17:55
Speaker 2: Do you have any birthday traditions?
17:57
Speaker 3: Do you have any birthday traditions? I want to flip
17:59
Speaker 3: the question.
18:00
Speaker 1: You know, the only thing that I do every year
18:02
Speaker 1: on my birthday is I call my parents and thank
18:05
Speaker 1: them even a text and just like tell them I'm
18:08
Speaker 1: going to get emotional how much I love them and
18:10
Speaker 1: how grateful I am to them.
18:12
Speaker 2: I cry every time we talk, just so you know,
18:14
Speaker 2: it's very annoying, Alexandra, the two of us.
18:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know, I probably will too soon.
18:18
Speaker 1: I've had a few fun birthday celebrations. On my thirtieth,
18:22
Speaker 1: I took myself and an unnamed man to Aspen. I'd
18:26
Speaker 1: never been and I love to ski, And honestly, it
18:29
Speaker 1: was like towards the end of COVID, so we were
18:31
Speaker 1: allowed to travel, but like everything was priced down, so
18:34
Speaker 1: it was like decently affordable, and that was a really
18:37
Speaker 1: cool experience. I love to travel, I love to see
18:39
Speaker 1: new things, so like an experience on my birthday is
18:42
Speaker 1: really fun.
18:43
Speaker 4: Wait, I want to just ask you. A tradition is
18:45
Speaker 4: calling your parents and thinking them. I want to just
18:47
Speaker 4: take a moment on your thirty fifth birthday. Do you
18:49
Speaker 4: think your parents are proud of you?
18:51
Speaker 3: And why?
18:52
Speaker 1: I do think that they're proud of me. I think
18:55
Speaker 1: my mom would really like for me.
18:57
Speaker 2: I know this. We've talked about it.
18:58
Speaker 1: She really wants me to find a part partner, and
19:01
Speaker 1: I think that's hard for her. I get it from
19:03
Speaker 1: her perspective. It used to be more frustrating to me.
19:06
Speaker 1: Now I see it as like she wants to know
19:08
Speaker 1: that someone has my back, you know, the way that
19:11
Speaker 1: she would That's a little bit of a thing.
19:13
Speaker 4: I feel like our mom's My mom's like sixty one
19:16
Speaker 4: or sixty two. Now I don't know how old your
19:17
Speaker 4: mom is.
19:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, sixty three.
19:19
Speaker 3: Like my mom has a hard time.
19:20
Speaker 4: She's come around to the fact that I don't have
19:21
Speaker 4: a baby yet despite being married for five years. But
19:24
Speaker 4: it's hard sometimes for them to realize that things are
19:27
Speaker 4: different now. And like thirty five, like you're right on time.
19:30
Speaker 2: Yes and no.
19:31
Speaker 1: This is going to make me so emotional because I
19:33
Speaker 1: went to my friend's grandfather's funeral yesterday and he had
19:37
Speaker 1: such a special relationship, like hearing all the eulogies with
19:40
Speaker 1: all of his grandkids. I had such a special relationship
19:43
Speaker 1: with my grandparents. I have one living grandma, but both
19:45
Speaker 1: sets I had special relationships with. You know, the older
19:49
Speaker 1: I get, the less time my future kids are going
19:52
Speaker 1: to have with my parents, and that pains me. It's
19:54
Speaker 1: actually probably my biggest motivator to like actually date, which
19:58
Speaker 1: sounds wild.
19:59
Speaker 3: You're so good.
20:00
Speaker 4: You really have an unbelievable ability, though, to think about
20:03
Speaker 4: your future and like your long term thinking. You said
20:06
Speaker 4: this to me though in a recent conversation where we
20:08
Speaker 4: were talking about some of my shame around money and
20:11
Speaker 4: how that stopped me from like pursuing making money in
20:14
Speaker 4: some ways, and you said that you think about money
20:17
Speaker 4: as generational wealth for your future children, and that blew
20:20
Speaker 4: my mind. Danielle blew my mind, and it gave me
20:23
Speaker 4: an entirely new way of thinking about money. And I'm
20:26
Speaker 4: hearing it again from you right now. I think it
20:28
Speaker 4: could be both your gift and then I could also
20:30
Speaker 4: see how it could be the thing that not keeps
20:33
Speaker 4: you stuck. But like you know, we talk sometimes about
20:35
Speaker 4: the qualities that's both your gift and your curse.
20:37
Speaker 1: They're usually one and the same. Thank you for pointing
20:39
Speaker 1: that out. I didn't actually notice that well.
20:41
Speaker 4: Because it's innate to you. It's like one of your
20:43
Speaker 4: natural gifts. And I think we don't always notice our
20:45
Speaker 4: natural gifts, but it's totally one of yours. You have
20:48
Speaker 4: a really amazing ability to think about the future or
20:51
Speaker 4: like to see the meaning behind what we're doing now,
20:53
Speaker 4: like you can connect the dots in this really cool way.
20:56
Speaker 1: My dad has that. I see it in him, and
20:58
Speaker 1: so I think I grew up with his voice in
20:59
Speaker 1: my head. I think a great example of it, which
21:02
Speaker 1: is so random, is global warming. And he would always
21:04
Speaker 1: be like, it's something about the human mind that they
21:08
Speaker 1: cannot wrap their mind around one hundred years into the future,
21:11
Speaker 1: the idea that like we can only see problems that
21:14
Speaker 1: are right in front of us and immediate, as opposed
21:17
Speaker 1: to like seeing them one hundred years down the road.
21:20
Speaker 2: So I'm like always long term thinking.
21:22
Speaker 4: But balancing it is hard, like balancing both the fears
21:25
Speaker 4: around you wanting your future kids to have as much
21:27
Speaker 4: time with your parents as possible so that they can
21:29
Speaker 4: have the relationship you did, Like we're not getting time back,
21:32
Speaker 4: even if they do have less years with your parents
21:35
Speaker 4: than you got with your grandparents. Like, I don't know,
21:38
Speaker 4: is it about amount of time or is it about
21:40
Speaker 4: quality of time? I know it's probably about both.
21:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I can't rush, I can only do
21:46
Speaker 1: my best. Yeah, but it is something that's on my heart.
22:00
Speaker 1: Do you have something that you pretend not to care
22:03
Speaker 1: about on your birthday but it's actually kind of important
22:06
Speaker 1: to you.
22:07
Speaker 4: I can really relate to the time keeping component of
22:10
Speaker 4: my goals. I don't know if I used to do
22:12
Speaker 4: this when I was younger, Like, I don't think in
22:14
Speaker 4: my twenties, I was very like by thirty, I need
22:17
Speaker 4: to be a published author, be x y Z have kids.
22:20
Speaker 4: I don't know if I did it then, but I
22:21
Speaker 4: certainly do it much more now and It's less about
22:24
Speaker 4: by my birthday, I am working on a book. One
22:28
Speaker 4: of my goals forever has been to be a published author.
22:30
Speaker 4: I love the way you're smiling at me right now.
22:31
Speaker 4: I'm just owning that, like I was sort of keeping
22:34
Speaker 4: it secret for a while, but like, I want to
22:35
Speaker 4: write books. I've been working on a book and it's
22:38
Speaker 4: taken me a really long time because writing books is
22:40
Speaker 4: really hard.
22:40
Speaker 1: Can I just also add it's taken you a long
22:43
Speaker 1: time because you were in the messy middle. And I
22:46
Speaker 1: think a great book requires some hindsight in many ways,
22:49
Speaker 1: because you have to be able to see the lesson,
22:52
Speaker 1: and so I think you intuitively were waiting to sort
22:55
Speaker 1: of get out of the fog totally.
22:57
Speaker 4: I needed clarity. It's less that by the time I'm
23:00
Speaker 4: thirty three, I need to be done with my next draft.
23:02
Speaker 4: It's more like, oh, I'm turning thirty three, and I
23:06
Speaker 4: started this process when I was thirty one. What does
23:09
Speaker 4: that say about me? Instead of it's saying that I'm
23:12
Speaker 4: a failure or I'm lazy or I waste time, it
23:15
Speaker 4: is saying that I am deliberate and I really care
23:19
Speaker 4: about my work in this project.
23:22
Speaker 3: And how cool that it's taken me.
23:24
Speaker 4: I've been trying to like flip the narrative about instead
23:26
Speaker 4: of thinking it would be cool to be like, oh,
23:28
Speaker 4: I wrote this book in six months, How impressive. Now,
23:30
Speaker 4: actually it's going to be impressive that I took three
23:33
Speaker 4: years or took however long it took. So it's acknowledging, like, yes,
23:37
Speaker 4: I do care that I am not where I thought
23:39
Speaker 4: I would be in my career by now.
23:41
Speaker 3: But it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
23:43
Speaker 1: I can tell you, as somebody who interviews authors, I'm
23:46
Speaker 1: always a little skeptical when people are like, I finish
23:49
Speaker 1: this book in three months. Like when someone's like this
23:51
Speaker 1: book has been on my heart for eight years, I'm like,
23:54
Speaker 1: it must be amazing.
23:55
Speaker 4: Sometimes I read a book that the person says they
23:57
Speaker 4: wrote it quickly, and I'm like, damn, you're a genius,
24:00
Speaker 4: Like you're a genius. But then other times I'm like, oh,
24:02
Speaker 4: I can tell, I can tell that you didn't put
24:05
Speaker 4: much time into this.
24:06
Speaker 2: Yes, and you just wanted something published.
24:08
Speaker 4: Which is a real model that people write, Like lots
24:11
Speaker 4: of people use that model in writing books.
24:12
Speaker 3: Just pump them out. But I don't want to be
24:15
Speaker 3: a pump them out author.
24:16
Speaker 1: I was thinking about if there's anything I care about
24:18
Speaker 1: on my birthday. I have like very few expectations usually,
24:23
Speaker 1: like in life, it's like I just don't have a lot.
24:27
Speaker 1: But when I'm dating somebody, I like a birthday gift
24:31
Speaker 1: and it doesn't have to be a physical thing, but
24:34
Speaker 1: I like to feel like someone deliberately thought of me.
24:37
Speaker 1: And what's fraught about that? And I'm so curious your
24:40
Speaker 1: thoughts on this. Is that I've had boyfriends or relationships
24:45
Speaker 1: that one guy I dated was a really objectively bad guy.
24:49
Speaker 1: He was amazing every single birthday, like he killed my
24:52
Speaker 1: birthday every year. He planned something fun, he gave great gifts,
24:57
Speaker 1: but like he was a bad boyfriend in hindsight. And
25:00
Speaker 1: then there are some guys who I've dated who are
25:03
Speaker 1: like awesome boyfriends who suck every birthday.
25:08
Speaker 4: Yeah, And do they specifically like suck at the gift
25:10
Speaker 4: part or the planning part that making me feel special?
25:13
Speaker 4: Like is it the whole thing or is the gift
25:15
Speaker 4: so linked to the feeling special that kind of matters.
25:17
Speaker 1: It's the planning and deliberately being thought of, so like
25:20
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be all it could be one
25:22
Speaker 1: or the other. It's just I'm like, oh, you didn't
25:26
Speaker 1: think about this at all. But then it's like to
25:28
Speaker 1: go back to your original statement, today is just a day.
25:31
Speaker 4: Today is just a day is an important way for
25:33
Speaker 4: you to think about your own things. I don't know
25:37
Speaker 4: if it's the way that other people should think about
25:39
Speaker 4: your things.
25:40
Speaker 2: Does Brian know how to plan your birthdays?
25:42
Speaker 4: It's a collaborative effort, but he definitely knows how to
25:44
Speaker 4: make me feel special. But part of them making me
25:47
Speaker 4: feel special is the like a month in advance bringing
25:50
Speaker 4: it up. So let's talk about your birthday this year.
25:53
Speaker 4: Let's plan the weekend. I don't know if I would
25:55
Speaker 4: trust him to do it completely on his own. I
25:58
Speaker 4: would completely trust Brian to like plan an incredible day,
26:01
Speaker 4: but I might not get the exact restaurant, Like he
26:04
Speaker 4: might pick the wrong restaurant, but he would pick a restaurant,
26:08
Speaker 4: If that makes sense.
26:09
Speaker 1: Yes, Like I had a guy one time pick a
26:12
Speaker 1: restaurant and he like really thought he was doing something
26:14
Speaker 1: special for me. And I get to the restaurant and
26:16
Speaker 1: it's like all really fancy French food, and like when
26:19
Speaker 1: I tell you, I have the most Chicago palette of
26:21
Speaker 1: all time, Like I looked at the menu and I
26:24
Speaker 1: was like, there's not one thing on here I can eat.
26:26
Speaker 2: How could you take me here? You don't know me
26:28
Speaker 2: at all? And I started to spiral and be like,
26:30
Speaker 2: you don't know me.
26:31
Speaker 4: I would feel the same way, So I avoid that
26:33
Speaker 4: by always knowing the restaurant that I'm going to, sometimes
26:36
Speaker 4: a month in advance.
26:37
Speaker 3: I'll be like, why don't you think about it? Why
26:39
Speaker 3: don't you look?
26:40
Speaker 4: But then I always get involved, and now he like
26:42
Speaker 4: knows the restaurants that I like here, Like, just a
26:44
Speaker 4: couple of weeks ago, for Christmas, I was feeling a
26:46
Speaker 4: little sad about not being with family, and I like
26:49
Speaker 4: spiraled and complained to Brian about how we didn't plan
26:51
Speaker 4: anything special for the holiday and am I going to
26:53
Speaker 4: regret this that we didn't plan anything special, We didn't
26:55
Speaker 4: get to go out to dinner, and I want to
26:56
Speaker 4: wear a fancy holiday outfit and blah blah blah. And
26:58
Speaker 4: then he made a reservation at La dulce Veda, just
27:01
Speaker 4: this great Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills, and he had
27:03
Speaker 4: remembered that we had been there once and I really
27:05
Speaker 4: liked it, So that was really good.
27:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's very sweet.
27:08
Speaker 3: He learns.
27:09
Speaker 4: You want to pick somebody that doesn't know everything but
27:12
Speaker 4: can learn. You know, For years, Brian got me the
27:15
Speaker 4: flowers from the bodega that were blue, the ones that
27:18
Speaker 4: were dyed, you know what I'm talking about, like in
27:19
Speaker 4: New York. And it was such a sweet thing that
27:21
Speaker 4: he would get me the flowers. But I'm like, please,
27:23
Speaker 4: why blue? He thought they were cool. He's like, look
27:26
Speaker 4: at these vibrant, colorful flowers.
27:28
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to go into some advice learnings thoughts
27:34
Speaker 1: about your turning thirty three. I'm thirty five as of today.
27:38
Speaker 1: What are you more protective of at your age now? Like,
27:42
Speaker 1: I'm way more protective of my time. I used to
27:45
Speaker 1: be able to take a lot of like sort of
27:48
Speaker 1: curiosity meetings, and I've been doing an unhinged thing I
27:53
Speaker 1: need to hear. I found myself having trouble saying no
27:56
Speaker 1: because I'm a person who loves connection. I love meeting
27:58
Speaker 1: new people. I love hearing their stories. And so if
28:01
Speaker 1: someone was like, I want you to meet my friend
28:03
Speaker 1: or this person or that person, and it started to
28:06
Speaker 1: get overwhelming and I would have a hard time saying no.
28:09
Speaker 1: So I said to myself Danielle, if you had two
28:12
Speaker 1: children and a husband, would you say yes to this?
28:16
Speaker 1: And I had to start pretending that I had an
28:18
Speaker 1: entire family, a three year old pulling on my leg
28:22
Speaker 1: and a six year old asking me questions about homework
28:25
Speaker 1: in order to be like, I'm sorry, I can't have lunch.
28:27
Speaker 4: That is one of the most original visualization boundary setting
28:32
Speaker 4: techniques I have simply ever heard.
28:34
Speaker 3: Where did you come up with that?
28:35
Speaker 1: Well? I was just thinking, like, what are my priorities?
28:39
Speaker 1: They were starting to feel out of whack, and I
28:41
Speaker 1: was just like, I feel like some of my friends
28:43
Speaker 1: who have husbands and kids have this very clear line
28:47
Speaker 1: of like what they have time for and what they
28:48
Speaker 1: don't and why am I not living my life like that?
28:50
Speaker 2: Now?
28:51
Speaker 4: I think that's genius and I think that's going to
28:53
Speaker 4: change people's lives. I think that's absolutely genius, and I
28:56
Speaker 4: approve this message.
28:57
Speaker 2: So what are you more protective of?
29:00
Speaker 4: I think I'm more protective of who I allow in
29:02
Speaker 4: my life. I don't have the energy or the time.
29:05
Speaker 4: I think I used to be much more willing to
29:08
Speaker 4: have friends or surround myself with people who didn't make
29:11
Speaker 4: me feel good. Maybe they brought other things to the table,
29:14
Speaker 4: but I would make a lot more excuses for like
29:17
Speaker 4: just shitty behavior, or even if it wasn't so shitty,
29:19
Speaker 4: just it didn't vibe well with me. I would leave
29:21
Speaker 4: feeling bad about myself. Now, I'm just very protective over
29:24
Speaker 4: who I let in my life, maybe sometimes to a fault,
29:28
Speaker 4: but I don't feel the faults very often. Like what
29:30
Speaker 4: I feel instead is that I have kind of a
29:32
Speaker 4: drama free life.
29:34
Speaker 3: In some ways.
29:35
Speaker 4: Where I haven't been as protective about that though, is
29:37
Speaker 4: with work. I've been very good about that with friendships
29:40
Speaker 4: and with those types of relationships people I work with.
29:43
Speaker 4: Not everybody feels this way, and in the type of
29:45
Speaker 4: work we do, it's a little bit different than having
29:47
Speaker 4: a corporate job where you can't decide who you work with.
29:50
Speaker 4: If I'm going to work with you, I need to
29:52
Speaker 4: like you as a friend. I'm such a relational person.
29:54
Speaker 4: I simply can't work with people who I wouldn't want
29:57
Speaker 4: to get a coffee with and talk about life.
30:00
Speaker 2: That's so hard.
30:01
Speaker 4: It's hard, but it's non negotiable for me. Maybe my
30:04
Speaker 4: lawyer doesn't need to be somebody that I feel that
30:05
Speaker 4: way about. I'm really good in friendship about paying attention
30:09
Speaker 4: to how people make me feel. I haven't always been
30:11
Speaker 4: as good about that and working relationships, and I would
30:14
Speaker 4: like to be as I move on in my thirties.
30:17
Speaker 2: That's interesting. Can I ask you more specific questions?
30:20
Speaker 3: Yeah?
30:20
Speaker 1: So in terms of friendship, that was like a broad stroke.
30:24
Speaker 1: Do you mean that you would have friends whose values
30:27
Speaker 1: don't align with you or who would put you down
30:30
Speaker 1: or you were just like I simply don't feel good
30:32
Speaker 1: when I leave them.
30:34
Speaker 4: I would have some friends who maybe were really demanding,
30:38
Speaker 4: Like I'm thinking of a friend who was so demanding
30:40
Speaker 4: of me in a way that I always felt that
30:42
Speaker 4: I was never doing enough, and I often feelt drained
30:45
Speaker 4: and I felt like I was doing a lot of
30:47
Speaker 4: like babysitting, Like why does this relationship feel so different
30:51
Speaker 4: from every other.
30:51
Speaker 3: Meaningful relationship in my life? That's one type.
30:55
Speaker 4: But then if I kind of go back even further,
30:57
Speaker 4: like in college in the friend group dynamic College wasrobably
31:00
Speaker 4: the last time I was in a friend group, I've realized,
31:02
Speaker 4: like I don't really love friend groups, but I do
31:04
Speaker 4: love small groups. I do think there's a distinction, Like
31:06
Speaker 4: if you invited me to dinner with two friends of yours,
31:09
Speaker 4: like I would be very happy in that environment. What
31:12
Speaker 4: I might not be happy with is if I'm one
31:14
Speaker 4: of four and we do everything together, and if Danielle
31:17
Speaker 4: and I hang out, we have to like be secretive
31:19
Speaker 4: about it. That's the kind of thing that I'm not
31:21
Speaker 4: so into anymore. But in college, in a friend group,
31:24
Speaker 4: there was always like the one girl whose mood would
31:27
Speaker 4: dictate everything. Like you just wanted to be in good
31:30
Speaker 4: favor with that person because if you weren't, then you
31:32
Speaker 4: knew that other people were talking about you. And I
31:36
Speaker 4: allowed myself to be a part of things like that
31:38
Speaker 4: when I was younger because I wanted the community.
31:52
Speaker 1: Is there anything that you've stopped chasing in your big
31:55
Speaker 1: age of thirty two thirty three, I.
31:57
Speaker 4: Would really like to stop chasing. Caring people think about me.
32:01
Speaker 2: Such a hard one.
32:02
Speaker 3: It's such a hard one, I know a little bit.
32:03
Speaker 4: Caring what people think about you is really important because
32:06
Speaker 4: we do exist in relation to other people, and I
32:09
Speaker 4: want to leave a good impact on the people I
32:11
Speaker 4: come into contact with. But I have realized over the
32:14
Speaker 4: last couple of years how much I really do care
32:17
Speaker 4: that people think I am smart and nuanced and interesting.
32:20
Speaker 4: And cool and all of these things that really are
32:23
Speaker 4: like do I think those things about myself? And I
32:25
Speaker 4: would like to just continue to really hone in on
32:28
Speaker 4: how I feel about myself. And I know I'll always
32:31
Speaker 4: care a little bit that people like me, but not
32:33
Speaker 4: care so much.
32:35
Speaker 1: I hear from people that are in their forties and
32:38
Speaker 1: fifties and sixties that that usually rescinds with age.
32:42
Speaker 3: I can't wait, I know.
32:43
Speaker 2: I think that's a hard one to force.
32:45
Speaker 3: Yeah, you have to just kind of let it.
32:47
Speaker 2: I don't know.
32:47
Speaker 1: I think there's always things you can do to like
32:49
Speaker 1: amplify and work on things like even just the acknowledgment
32:52
Speaker 1: and recognition is important.
32:53
Speaker 4: What's something that you think you've left behind or that
32:55
Speaker 4: you'd like to leave behind.
32:56
Speaker 1: I was a big make it work type of person,
33:01
Speaker 1: both like relationally at work, and I think part of
33:06
Speaker 1: that was I didn't know myself as well, so I
33:08
Speaker 1: didn't know what felt right or where I fit. And
33:11
Speaker 1: I think finding like a connection to the universe helped
33:16
Speaker 1: a lot with that. And I also think financial stability
33:21
Speaker 1: helped with that. And like, I think to not just
33:24
Speaker 1: say that would be a big lie. I heard this
33:28
Speaker 1: term post economic I am not post economic. I am
33:31
Speaker 1: a working gal and I need to work. But you know,
33:34
Speaker 1: on podcasts you get a lot of advice, and on
33:37
Speaker 1: this podcast too, there's people that have sort of transcended
33:41
Speaker 1: the economic ladder, are quote unquote successful.
33:44
Speaker 3: Is that what that means?
33:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like we asked them how they did it, and
33:47
Speaker 1: like post economic is almost like they don't think about
33:49
Speaker 1: money as a thing in their life anymore. It's just happening, Yeah,
33:53
Speaker 1: and it comes to them or they've made it. Not
33:56
Speaker 1: that they don't have really important insight. They do, but
33:59
Speaker 1: I think it's coming from a different lens. And I'm
34:03
Speaker 1: not post economic by any means, but I do think
34:05
Speaker 1: that finding stability in my career, finding some stability financially
34:12
Speaker 1: also like emotionally via therapy, and like really trusting my
34:17
Speaker 1: tools and myself all has allowed me to not force
34:20
Speaker 1: things because I feel like I have this like toolbox,
34:23
Speaker 1: so to speak, of things that I can pull from
34:26
Speaker 1: when I'm feeling out of control or like I don't
34:30
Speaker 1: know what's going to happen next, or I don't know
34:32
Speaker 1: what i want to do or where I want to go,
34:34
Speaker 1: And I think like just having the faith that what's
34:36
Speaker 1: meant for me will not miss me. I believe that
34:39
Speaker 1: to my core. I see it with all my friends
34:41
Speaker 1: who are like nervous about love, and I see how
34:44
Speaker 1: special and amazing they are, and they're like, I'm never
34:46
Speaker 1: going to meet anybody, and I'm like, oh, I just
34:48
Speaker 1: so see it for you, like you're going to you
34:50
Speaker 1: just have to get over this hump, and you just
34:52
Speaker 1: can't see it for yourself.
34:54
Speaker 3: That's what we need friends for.
34:55
Speaker 2: Though.
34:55
Speaker 4: I both think that we should see it about ourselves,
34:57
Speaker 4: and I also think that we're never really meant to
35:00
Speaker 4: see it for ourselves because we're meant to be in
35:02
Speaker 4: community with other people. Oh really, that's cool, like a
35:05
Speaker 4: balance of it, Like you do want to believe in
35:07
Speaker 4: yourself and you do want to have that self trust.
35:09
Speaker 3: Absolutely. Of course.
35:10
Speaker 4: I sometimes like to think that the reason we're a
35:12
Speaker 4: little unsure is so that there is space for a
35:15
Speaker 4: Danielle to come into your life and be the person
35:18
Speaker 4: who believes in you and to share that belief. And
35:20
Speaker 4: then in my weak moments, I can be like, well,
35:23
Speaker 4: Danielle told me that she knows it's going to work out,
35:26
Speaker 4: and that she trusts that I'm on the right path.
35:28
Speaker 4: And because I trust Danielle, like I can trust that.
35:32
Speaker 4: We don't exist to just believe in ourselves. We exist
35:35
Speaker 4: to share our belief with other people, and to be believed.
35:38
Speaker 1: In that belief has to come from a person that
35:40
Speaker 1: you believe though, you know, Like I have friends who
35:43
Speaker 1: are like, it's going to be.
35:45
Speaker 2: Great, and I'm like, you don't know.
35:47
Speaker 1: And then there are friends who say like, you're gonna
35:49
Speaker 1: be fine, and I believe them.
35:50
Speaker 3: It's funny.
35:51
Speaker 4: Another good friend of mine, her name is Stephanie Harrison.
35:54
Speaker 4: I've never met her partner, but I feel like I
35:56
Speaker 4: know her partner just through Stephanie, and I remember two
35:59
Speaker 4: years ago, maybe she told me that he said that
36:02
Speaker 4: he would never bet against me. He said, I would
36:04
Speaker 4: never bet against Alexandra, and that was like the greatest
36:09
Speaker 4: compliment I could receive. And even though I don't know him,
36:11
Speaker 4: I know her and I know him through her, and I.
36:14
Speaker 3: Hold onto that.
36:15
Speaker 4: Two years later, it's like come into my mind so
36:17
Speaker 4: many times, and the fact that I remember that, like
36:20
Speaker 4: the fact that other people's belief in us can be
36:22
Speaker 4: so meaningful, just makes me think it's here for a reason.
36:24
Speaker 2: I can't believe you just said that.
36:26
Speaker 1: Because my dad, I have such deep respect and admiration
36:30
Speaker 1: for him, and I believe him because he's not a bullshitter.
36:33
Speaker 2: And he told me a story.
36:34
Speaker 1: He was traveling with my mom last summer, and my
36:37
Speaker 1: dad will talk to every stranger. My mom chats with
36:40
Speaker 1: people in like a happy, regular way. My dad will
36:45
Speaker 1: say insane things to people and ask deeply personal questions
36:49
Speaker 1: to strangers. He doesn't do it with people he knows,
36:51
Speaker 1: he knows how to act okay, but with strangers he's crazy.
36:54
Speaker 3: I see where you get it from totally.
36:56
Speaker 1: And he was like, I was with your mother and
36:58
Speaker 1: I met this woman and she was telling me about
37:00
Speaker 1: her background. I don't even know what country she was from.
37:03
Speaker 1: She was studying to be as somolier. And he goes
37:05
Speaker 1: into how impressive she was, and he was like, I
37:07
Speaker 1: don't get this feeling very often, Danielle. But I was
37:10
Speaker 1: speaking her and I said, no matter what you decide
37:13
Speaker 1: to do with your life, I would bet on you,
37:15
Speaker 1: like I would put my chips on you. And I
37:18
Speaker 1: just got this feeling. And I said it to her,
37:19
Speaker 1: and I looked at him and I was like, first
37:21
Speaker 1: of all, that's like all I've ever wanted you to
37:24
Speaker 1: say to me.
37:24
Speaker 2: So thank you. But okay, but.
37:26
Speaker 1: Second of all, like that is the greatest freaking compliment
37:29
Speaker 1: you could ever give somebody.
37:31
Speaker 2: And I couldn't figure out why can you deduce why
37:35
Speaker 2: that is?
37:35
Speaker 4: I think it's because it's filling. I mean, I can
37:37
Speaker 4: give you my really lu wu answer, but it's the
37:39
Speaker 4: one that's coming to me.
37:40
Speaker 3: It's like, if we think.
37:41
Speaker 4: About our heart or like wherever courage comes from, as
37:43
Speaker 4: this like place in our chest, if it's like a puzzle,
37:46
Speaker 4: like we hold some of the pieces, but then there
37:48
Speaker 4: are always pieces that need to be filled with other
37:50
Speaker 4: people because we are creatures of community, of connection. And
37:54
Speaker 4: I think when the right person comes to you with
37:56
Speaker 4: the puzzle piece saying that they would never bet against you,
37:58
Speaker 4: they believe in you, it's like those moments where we
38:01
Speaker 4: feel that piece of us becoming whole.
38:03
Speaker 1: That's really beautiful. Do you know that the Latin root
38:06
Speaker 1: of courage is heart? Now you just felt them?
38:08
Speaker 3: I just felt that.
38:10
Speaker 1: That's crazy because it's like where do you feel things
38:12
Speaker 1: in your body?
38:13
Speaker 2: Is it from your mind?
38:14
Speaker 1: Is it from you know, like your gut, courage comes
38:16
Speaker 1: from our heart.
38:17
Speaker 3: That's crazy.
38:18
Speaker 4: You know. My therapist has asked me when we first started,
38:20
Speaker 4: and she stopped because she could tell it wasn't resonating
38:22
Speaker 4: with me. She used to ask me in our first
38:24
Speaker 4: few sessions, like where I was feeling things? And I'm like,
38:26
Speaker 4: I'm not here to fucking do that, man, But I
38:29
Speaker 4: think I maybe just did it for the first time.
38:30
Speaker 1: You know what's funny is if I had to guess
38:32
Speaker 1: why she did that, it's because you're able to intellectualize
38:35
Speaker 1: your feelings so deeply that she was probably like, get
38:38
Speaker 1: into your body.
38:39
Speaker 4: I've definitely gotten into my body over the last two years,
38:41
Speaker 4: so we're doing pretty good failing those feeling's big time.
38:44
Speaker 5: Baby.
38:56
Speaker 1: What feels more important to you now than it did
38:58
Speaker 1: at twenty three twenty five?
39:01
Speaker 3: Creating boundaries with my ambition?
39:04
Speaker 2: WHOA, That's not what I thought you were going to say.
39:06
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
39:07
Speaker 4: I think that I am a very ambitious person, but
39:09
Speaker 4: in my twenties and even in my early thirties, I
39:13
Speaker 4: saw it as just as important as my relationships and
39:17
Speaker 4: like the love I want to feel. I think I
39:19
Speaker 4: thought that achieving my potential, fulfilling my dreams was like
39:23
Speaker 4: the top and my love. You know, my relationships were
39:26
Speaker 4: here to support that. Maybe I was so hungry for it,
39:28
Speaker 4: and I still am really hungry for it.
39:30
Speaker 3: But I know now that the way to.
39:33
Speaker 4: Achieve my dreams is actually by like prioritizing my relationships
39:38
Speaker 4: with the people I love and maintaining like some sense
39:41
Speaker 4: of equilibrium with myself. And I cannot sacrifice that. I
39:45
Speaker 4: think I used to think that like success had to
39:48
Speaker 4: come at the expense of my mental health or like
39:50
Speaker 4: my well being. I don't know if I would have
39:52
Speaker 4: phrased it like that, but I thought that I had
39:54
Speaker 4: to do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes, I will do,
39:56
Speaker 4: And now I don't feel that way. Remind me of this,
39:59
Speaker 4: by the way, if I went in six months or five months,
40:01
Speaker 4: I call you and I sound like I'm not aligned
40:03
Speaker 4: with that, Remind me of that.
40:05
Speaker 1: Okay, well, I'm going to push back and say that
40:08
Speaker 1: I probably could use more of this, and I agree
40:10
Speaker 1: with you in a lot of ways, but I do
40:12
Speaker 1: think that there are sacrifices involved.
40:14
Speaker 4: Oh for sure, I've made and I will continue to
40:16
Speaker 4: make sacrifices. Maybe a specific example, I would sometimes given
40:21
Speaker 4: what we do, like we don't have normal working hours,
40:23
Speaker 4: so I kind of work all the time, which is
40:25
Speaker 4: something I enjoy actually like being able to work whenever.
40:29
Speaker 4: But sometimes there's certain types of work that I do
40:32
Speaker 4: that kind of consumes me, consumes my head and like
40:36
Speaker 4: my nervous system in a way. And let's say that
40:39
Speaker 4: I have plans with Brian, like he and I have
40:41
Speaker 4: dinner at seven o'clock and we're going out on a date,
40:43
Speaker 4: and we've planned the state this week. In the past,
40:46
Speaker 4: maybe I would like work up to that very moment
40:49
Speaker 4: doing something that kind of consumed my nervous system and
40:52
Speaker 4: my brain, and then I would have no time to disconnect.
40:54
Speaker 4: And then while I'm at dinner with my husband, like
40:56
Speaker 4: all I can think about is that thing, and I'm
40:58
Speaker 4: not present. I think over the last year, I've tried
41:01
Speaker 4: to be better at like creating buffers between the things
41:04
Speaker 4: that are important to me. Sometimes that means we don't
41:06
Speaker 4: do dinner because I'm working, But if I'm going to
41:09
Speaker 4: do dinner, trying to not have everything bleed into each other,
41:13
Speaker 4: because then I'm not really happy.
41:15
Speaker 1: So I actually think that everyone can think of themselves
41:18
Speaker 1: as an athlete and the way that athletes prepare, perform,
41:23
Speaker 1: and then recover. And I realized I wasn't recovering that's it.
41:27
Speaker 1: That's exactly it. That's a perfect way to articulate what
41:29
Speaker 1: I'm trying to say. Don't you think it applies no
41:31
Speaker 1: matter what your career is, because it's really about whatever
41:34
Speaker 1: the stressor is in your life. Like if you're a
41:35
Speaker 1: parent and that's the thing consuming you, you have to prepare, perform,
41:40
Speaker 1: and recover, and like you have to build that in
41:42
Speaker 1: as much as possible.
41:43
Speaker 4: I think that's such a great analogy. I wasn't prioritizing recovery.
41:47
Speaker 4: I was only prioritizing execution.
41:50
Speaker 2: Me too.
41:50
Speaker 1: I actually didn't realize it till my friend Elena, who
41:53
Speaker 1: you met at my gate one day. I was like,
41:55
Speaker 1: I am just spent and she was like, you don't recover.
41:58
Speaker 1: You go from the plane to the and I was like, whoa, And.
42:01
Speaker 4: You've probably been that way, Like that's probably how you
42:03
Speaker 4: got here, and it worked. So it's hard sometimes to
42:06
Speaker 4: grapple though with like it worked, but it might not
42:09
Speaker 4: work anymore to get you to the next part. It
42:11
Speaker 4: got you here, but you need something different to get
42:13
Speaker 4: to the next part.
42:14
Speaker 2: Oh, that's really hard.
42:15
Speaker 3: It's really hard. What's that quote?
42:17
Speaker 4: It's like everything I've given up, I've left my claw
42:19
Speaker 4: marks in it.
42:20
Speaker 2: I never heard that. I love that. Say it again.
42:23
Speaker 3: Everything I've let go of I've left claw marks.
42:26
Speaker 2: And oh I'm internalizing that. I love that.
42:29
Speaker 4: And this is where trust comes into that. You know
42:32
Speaker 4: yourself and you know your goals well enough to figure
42:34
Speaker 4: out the new way of being in order to get
42:36
Speaker 4: you where you want to go and to your point,
42:38
Speaker 4: like building a family and continuing to build your incredible
42:41
Speaker 4: career will come with sacrifices, and me too, building my
42:45
Speaker 4: family and building my incredible career is going to come
42:47
Speaker 4: with sacrifices, but we get to choose what those sacrifices
42:51
Speaker 4: are and what they won't be.
42:53
Speaker 1: What do you think is something that people assume about
42:55
Speaker 1: your life that is just wildly incorrect.
42:57
Speaker 4: I am really lucky that I have a really wonder
43:00
Speaker 4: full relationship. I think that maybe people think that because
43:04
Speaker 4: I have that, other things are easy.
43:06
Speaker 2: WHOA, that's really interesting, Like.
43:09
Speaker 4: She found that, which is I know something that people
43:12
Speaker 4: really want? A loving relationship. You know, I got married
43:15
Speaker 4: at twenty seven. Brian and I have been together since
43:17
Speaker 4: I was twenty one. I'm going to be thirty three.
43:19
Speaker 4: It's been a long time. So I sort of checked
43:20
Speaker 4: that off early and that has come with I mean
43:24
Speaker 4: so many blessings. I love him to death, and I
43:26
Speaker 4: couldn't have gotten I could have gotten through. I was
43:28
Speaker 4: gonna say I couldn't have gotten through some of the
43:30
Speaker 4: things I've been through without him, but that's not true.
43:32
Speaker 4: I'm glad I didn't have to, but I know that
43:35
Speaker 4: I could, and God forbid be able to. I try
43:38
Speaker 4: to remind myself that sometimes like dependency on another person
43:41
Speaker 4: can be like just intense, So I try to when
43:42
Speaker 4: I catch myself being like I wouldn't survive without.
43:44
Speaker 2: Well, you guys have grown up together, it's hard to
43:46
Speaker 2: not feel that.
43:47
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that maybe people would think just like
43:50
Speaker 4: things are easy for me, whether it's being confident or
43:54
Speaker 4: expressing myself or you know, I'm very like vulnerable on
43:57
Speaker 4: the internet and on my podcast, and maybe people think
43:59
Speaker 4: that's easy, but it's not.
44:01
Speaker 3: And it does come with sacrifice too.
44:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, I actually do feel like it's easy for you
44:05
Speaker 1: because it comes so naturally. I'm actually shocked to hear that.
44:08
Speaker 4: Well, it's like, define easy. I think it feels natural
44:11
Speaker 4: for me to do, but the sitting with it later
44:14
Speaker 4: is not easy. Like doing what I do, which I
44:17
Speaker 4: guess in some ways is like being vulnerable and talking
44:19
Speaker 4: about feelings and really hard things, both mine and other people's.
44:22
Speaker 4: It feels natural when I'm doing it, but then I
44:24
Speaker 4: have to like live and kind of deal with the
44:26
Speaker 4: fact that I've done it, and on a weekly daily basis,
44:29
Speaker 4: I can get very in my head about that the
44:32
Speaker 4: things we're called to do are not always easy to
44:35
Speaker 4: like deal with.
44:36
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, I always think, actually, the things we're
44:38
Speaker 1: called to do oftentimes like are actually calls to heal
44:42
Speaker 1: parts of ourselves.
44:42
Speaker 2: I know that sounds very woo woo, but no, it's
44:44
Speaker 2: so true, man.
44:45
Speaker 1: It's the reason that we're called I met this mom
44:48
Speaker 1: at a Hello Sunshine event and her daughter is a singer.
44:52
Speaker 1: She's in high school, and she was like, I'm so
44:55
Speaker 1: nervous for my daughter to like go for it, like
44:58
Speaker 1: it's like a one in a bajillion chance, Like do
45:00
Speaker 1: you think that it's worthwhile?
45:03
Speaker 2: And I said, oh, it is absolutely.
45:06
Speaker 1: Worthwhile as long as she wants that, because it's actually
45:10
Speaker 1: like not about the end goal whether she becomes Christina
45:14
Speaker 1: Aguilera or not. It's about who she becomes on the
45:18
Speaker 1: way there. Like I don't know if people know this
45:20
Speaker 1: about me, But I have a failed pop star in
45:22
Speaker 1: high school.
45:22
Speaker 3: You're kidding me?
45:23
Speaker 2: Did I not tell you this?
45:24
Speaker 3: Do you have a good voice?
45:26
Speaker 2: No, that's part of the problem.
45:27
Speaker 3: I don't have a good voice that you've got the
45:30
Speaker 3: rock and moves. No. I also can't dance.
45:33
Speaker 2: But I was a great dancer as a kid.
45:35
Speaker 1: I was like on dance team for years, really good,
45:37
Speaker 1: and then something happened. I don't know if someone said
45:40
Speaker 1: something to me, like I got embarrassed. I literally can't
45:43
Speaker 1: dance anymore. But I used to sing and put an
45:46
Speaker 1: entire ep together in high school, had music videos in college.
45:51
Speaker 3: Oh, we gotta leak those tapes. We must leak those tapes.
45:54
Speaker 2: I've tried everything to hide them.
45:55
Speaker 1: But like was on an album with Pitbull, Like I
45:59
Speaker 1: really was trying.
46:00
Speaker 4: Okay, you were onto something. You're not quite a pop star,
46:02
Speaker 4: but like you're in the public eye. You have a mic.
46:05
Speaker 1: No. But here's why I bring it up. Beyond embarrassing myself,
46:08
Speaker 1: I learned so much from that experience because I was
46:12
Speaker 1: like making CD covers and sending them out to radio
46:16
Speaker 1: DJs and cold messaging people. I learned entrepreneurial skills, and
46:21
Speaker 1: I learned kutzba. I learned like how to go after
46:24
Speaker 1: something you want and how to ask people, and a
46:26
Speaker 1: little bit of sales and a little bit of graphic
46:28
Speaker 1: design and all this stuff that I use in my career.
46:32
Speaker 1: Now it didn't matter, Like it was the becoming that mattered.
46:36
Speaker 4: And you know what's so cool is that you still
46:38
Speaker 4: are becoming right now. We don't even know it yet.
46:41
Speaker 4: You know, you're thirty five today. We don't even know
46:44
Speaker 4: what this is.
46:46
Speaker 3: That fills me with so much hope me too.
46:49
Speaker 1: You know what, this is a perfect segue to looking ahead.
46:53
Speaker 2: So I was thinking about my word for the year.
46:57
Speaker 1: I did this on the New Year's episode that I do,
47:00
Speaker 1: and my word for the year is sovereignty. It means
47:03
Speaker 1: like power and rule and ownership over. So I want
47:08
Speaker 1: ownership over my time, my body, my voice, my choice.
47:12
Speaker 1: I want to have complete inner power and rule and
47:15
Speaker 1: not be ruled by external forces, people, ideas anything.
47:20
Speaker 2: Oh hell yeah, hell yeah. Do you have your word
47:23
Speaker 2: for the year?
47:23
Speaker 3: No, but I like that one. Did you have like
47:26
Speaker 3: reflection questions that helped you figure this out?
47:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're a bad friend that you didn't do my
47:30
Speaker 1: New Year's action plan.
47:31
Speaker 3: I just kidding. I know, No, I actually am Is
47:34
Speaker 3: it too late? Is eight days too late?
47:36
Speaker 2: No, it's still up there. It's up there for five
47:38
Speaker 2: more days.
47:38
Speaker 3: I'm going to go look and come up with my word.
47:40
Speaker 4: I think like if I could come up with on
47:43
Speaker 4: on the spot, can self trust? I feel like I
47:45
Speaker 4: finally found my trust again in myself. What could happen
47:49
Speaker 4: if I just triple quadruple down on my trust.
47:53
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I'm excited to see what happens for you.
47:56
Speaker 4: I'm excited to see what happens as you step into
47:58
Speaker 4: your sovereign power.
48:00
Speaker 1: Do you have a big goal for the year ahead,
48:03
Speaker 1: and do you have a big wish for yourself for
48:04
Speaker 1: the year ahead.
48:05
Speaker 3: I am moving across the country this year.
48:07
Speaker 2: I'm so sad about that.
48:09
Speaker 3: I'm so sad too.
48:10
Speaker 4: I'm so sad too, but will be in each other's
48:12
Speaker 4: lives forever, even with physical distance. My wish is that
48:15
Speaker 4: I can navigate this major transition with grace for myself
48:20
Speaker 4: whatever challenges come up, both literal physical but also emotional,
48:25
Speaker 4: Like I want to really have that trust that it's temporary.
48:29
Speaker 4: There's nothing really that can throw me off my feet
48:32
Speaker 4: to the point where I can't get up again.
48:33
Speaker 3: Sometimes when I'm.
48:34
Speaker 4: Really down in the throes of my emotion or you know,
48:38
Speaker 4: something really internal or something external that I'm then having
48:41
Speaker 4: internal feelings about, I can feel really scared that I'm
48:43
Speaker 4: never going to feel better, and knowing that this big
48:46
Speaker 4: transition's coming, I have a little anticipatory anxiety about how
48:49
Speaker 4: I'm going to feel.
48:50
Speaker 3: But I want to have.
48:50
Speaker 4: Trust that, like, I'm going to be okay. It's going
48:52
Speaker 4: to be okay, babe, I can stand right up no
48:54
Speaker 4: matter how long I feel down.
48:55
Speaker 1: I actually think you might find joy in it. I
48:58
Speaker 1: think you might actually really like it. I'm not just
49:00
Speaker 1: saying that. I know you're going to miss La and
49:02
Speaker 1: the weather and there are things to miss about the city,
49:05
Speaker 1: but I think you're going to find Oh you're getting emotional.
49:08
Speaker 4: It's a nice thing to say, and it's nice to
49:10
Speaker 4: hear it from somebody who isn't benefiting from me moving back.
49:13
Speaker 2: No, it's to my detriment.
49:14
Speaker 3: I'm going to miss you. It's just it means a lot.
49:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you're actually going to feel a lot
49:19
Speaker 1: of congruence if I can reflect back to what you
49:22
Speaker 1: said about putting your relationships first, Like that's what you're
49:26
Speaker 1: doing with this move, and you're doing this more for
49:29
Speaker 1: personal reasons than professional reasons, and I actually think you're
49:33
Speaker 1: going to find a lot of happiness and peace in that. Okay,
49:37
Speaker 1: what do you hope that the year thirty three brings
49:40
Speaker 1: into focus for you?
49:41
Speaker 3: Priorities?
49:43
Speaker 4: I feel like sometimes I'm so unsure if I'm focusing
49:46
Speaker 4: on the right thing, and I hope that this year
49:48
Speaker 4: helps me see more clearly that either yes, I'm focusing
49:51
Speaker 4: on the right thing, or gives me some more clear
49:54
Speaker 4: lanes of what to focus on while also accepting that
49:56
Speaker 4: I am a person who loves working on lots of
49:58
Speaker 4: different things and loves kind of being pulled in a
50:00
Speaker 4: few directions, and it's actually really good for my brain.
50:02
Speaker 3: But just priorities, what about you?
50:05
Speaker 2: The first thing that came to my heart was alignment.
50:08
Speaker 3: You know what's funny about that.
50:10
Speaker 4: I really relate to what you're saying about being a
50:12
Speaker 4: shape shifter and like going into rooms and trying to
50:14
Speaker 4: be a version of myself that the other person would
50:17
Speaker 4: like and approve of. I kind of think, though, knowing
50:20
Speaker 4: you that those differences are probably like imperceptible to anybody else,
50:26
Speaker 4: but feeling like your authentic self is such an internal
50:31
Speaker 4: thing that the actual external differences are probably not that noticeable,
50:35
Speaker 4: but I think they're probably really meaningful to you. The
50:38
Speaker 4: difference between you not feeling like yourself and feeling like
50:41
Speaker 4: yourself might be the tiniest little levers.
50:44
Speaker 1: I think I used to be more willing to pretend.
50:48
Speaker 1: Like I remember a mentor of mine would be like,
50:51
Speaker 1: if you have time, scanned somebody's office real quickly before
50:54
Speaker 1: you walk into a meeting, and take note of the
50:57
Speaker 1: photographs on their wall?
50:58
Speaker 2: Do they like their kids baseball games?
51:00
Speaker 1: Like? What are they into? And I don't think that's
51:03
Speaker 1: bad because it's interesting. Like now I do that and
51:06
Speaker 1: I ask them questions about it. Twenty two year old
51:09
Speaker 1: Danielle would have been like, oh, I also love baseball.
51:11
Speaker 1: I'm a huge Cubs fan, and like I'm not.
51:14
Speaker 4: That's a good example, though, because I think that's also
51:16
Speaker 4: just professional maturity. You're learning how to use information because
51:20
Speaker 4: it is a good skill. It's like your interview prep.
51:22
Speaker 2: It's like use your powers for good.
51:24
Speaker 5: Yeah.
51:24
Speaker 4: I'm imagining that if I could watch twenty three year
51:26
Speaker 4: old Danielle in those meetings, I wouldn't think, oh, she's
51:29
Speaker 4: being fake.
51:29
Speaker 3: I would think, oh she's young.
51:31
Speaker 1: Yes, I agree with you, but it felt inauthentic to me. Okay,
51:34
Speaker 1: I have one final question for you, Alexandra. Yes, what
51:37
Speaker 1: are we here to witness? For you as you enter
51:39
Speaker 1: this next year.
51:40
Speaker 3: That I'm going to figure out what I'm here to
51:42
Speaker 3: say and that I'm going.
51:43
Speaker 1: To say it you're already doing. But yes, I'm very
51:47
Speaker 1: much looking forward to that and very much looking forward
51:49
Speaker 1: to your book.
51:50
Speaker 3: Oh thank you.
51:51
Speaker 1: Okay, you are here to witness a more expansive version
51:56
Speaker 1: of me. I have been asking questions for a long time,
51:59
Speaker 1: and I will fir stop asking questions. That is part
52:02
Speaker 1: of my purpose on Earth is to question everything. But
52:07
Speaker 1: I have, in the process of becoming a professional question asker,
52:11
Speaker 1: sort of stifled some of my own opinions and thoughts.
52:15
Speaker 1: And I'm going to set those free this year. And
52:18
Speaker 1: this podcast episode was actually a part of that. Because
52:22
Speaker 1: I've never talked so much on a podcast.
52:25
Speaker 4: I was going to say that I love I haven't
52:28
Speaker 4: done that many podcasts, but I love hearing you speak
52:31
Speaker 4: and hearing your stories, and I imagine that everybody who
52:34
Speaker 4: listens to this show I was going to really love
52:36
Speaker 4: that too.
52:37
Speaker 2: Thank you.
52:38
Speaker 1: I hope so if they find out boring, they can
52:39
Speaker 1: tell me they're an honest bunch. Alexandra deeply, deeply love you.
52:43
Speaker 1: Thank you for spending my birthday with me.
52:46
Speaker 4: I love you right back. Happy birthday. I'm so honored
52:48
Speaker 4: to be here.
52:49
Speaker 3: Thank you.
52:54
Speaker 2: Okay, you know what time it is. Today's a good day,
52:58
Speaker 2: to have a good day. I'll see next week.