Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 432. How to Stop Being the 'Righteous Friend' (Headnoise)

Transcript

432. How to Stop Being the 'Righteous Friend' (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, Welcome to your podcast episode of today.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: This is a head Noise episode. We have some great
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: questions that have come through from you guys. There's are
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: the email questions, so I'm going to be reading them out.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Also keep coming at me with these fucking epic titles
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: as well, because obsessed. Basically now life update, Everything's going well,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: twins are kicking around like crazy. I'm just so sure
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: that these twins are boys. But I always get it
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: wrong when I guess other people's genders, So I don't know.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I know that, like I've said before, they're identical. So
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: it's either two boys or two girls. We're not going
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: to find out the gender until birth. But yeah, that's
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: kind of where my head is at. And Tyrone like
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: really wants girls. So he's like he's just such a
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: girl girl dad energy, and I'm like, yeah, I think
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: it's boys. Or when I get a kick, I'm like,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: oh I felt him kick. He's like, hey, hey, how
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: do you know? And I'm like, oh no, I din't.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: I din't. I just have this like sense that they're boys.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love to have girls,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: but yeah, I just feel that they're boys, and he's like, what, well,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: why would you say that? Then, like he's so hell
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: bent on girls. But I think I like the idea
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: of just waiting regardless, because you know, I think you
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: just be thrilled either way. I don't think I'll give
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: a flying fuck once they're born what the gender is.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: So that's my main reason why I always wanted to
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: keep it a surprise. Anyway, let's get straight into the
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: head noise questions. So this is the first one. How
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: do I stop being the righteous friend? Great question, High Alexis.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: I've heard you mentioned on a previous episode the concept
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: of the righteous friend, who is the one that calls
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: their friends out all the time rather than picking the battles. Unfortunately,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: it resonated with me, but in a bad way, as
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: I think I'm that friend. One of my toxic in
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: built traits is constantly fighting all the small injustices of
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: the world, and that includes being the righteous friend. I've
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: lost friendships throughout my life because of it. I'm now
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: in my early thirties and I think it's stopping me
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: from making new friends. I have it in my head
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: that the same thing is going to happen that I'm
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: going to point out something that I didn't like, or
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: when they've handled a situation in a way that I
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: can see is going to end up being a disaster.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: So I sometimes avoid the situation of making new friends
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: because I assume it's going to lead to the same
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: point anyway. Either that or I'm paranoid that everyone is
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: in an email chain. I'm not part of it. All.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: My old friends are telling potential new friends about my chaos.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: So my question is how do I stop being the
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: righteous friend and how do I stop it from preventing
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: me from making new friends. I'm desperate for some new gaalpals.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Thank you great question firstly, and can I also say
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: that you're very self aware, which is a huge that's
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: a huge thing. A lot of people don't have that
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: level of self awareness where they can be like, this
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: is my problem and I've seen it cause damage relationships
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: and I want to change it. That's you're already halfway there. Okay,
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: So that's really fucking good. Now, when I talk about
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: people calling other people out, it's not in a way
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: that you're lecturing them on how to live their life, okay,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: because there's a massive difference. The first thing the first time.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: The first reason that I say that you should be
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: calling people out is when someone's behavior is directly impacting you. Okay. So,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: for example, if you think that your friend has been
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: a shit friend, they let you down, they spoke, you
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: heard that, they said something about you behind your back
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: or whatever. That's when you call someone out. You say, listen,
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: you've done this thing, this is the result of it.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: This is how I felt. What are your thoughts? Okay,
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: it's a gentle calling out. You sound I'm aware of
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: this behavior. This is what this behavior has resulted in,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: either making me feel this way or making me do
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: a certain thing or whatever. And I'd like to know
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: your thoughts. Was it intentional? How do you feel about that?
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Let's talk? Okay. So that's one of the ways where
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: I always recommend that someone call someone out. Another time
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: of calling someone out where I think it's appropriate is
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: if you see that their behavior is negatively impacting others
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: around them, Like let's say that they're saying something that's
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: really making someone else feel left out, or they've said
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: something that's just absolutely inappropriate. Then you can stand up
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: for the other person in that scenario, and you can
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: say I'm sure, I hope you didn't mean what you said,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: or maybe you need to reality or whether what are
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: you saying? Like you can step in, you can really
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: step in and defend someone else. That's another time where
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: it's really appropriate, no matter what, no matter who you're around,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: to call someone out in their behavior. So really, ultimately
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: you're thinking, if this person is directly hurting someone, and
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: that person isn't defending themselves or doesn't want to defend
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: or whatever, and I have the opportunity to help the
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: other person out and to let my friends see that
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: their behavior is in approp or if they're directly hurting me.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Those are the times where you can always call someone out. Okay,
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: the times where then the righteous friend kicks in is
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: when you're lecturing them on how they should be living
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: their life based on your morals. That's when it gets
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: really annoying, because I don't think anyone's going to be
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: ultimately that annoyed if they're a good friend, if you
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: pulled them up on them being an asshole. Most of
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: the time, we know when we're being a cunt, you know,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: And if I've done something shitty and I've let someone
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: down or I've made a statement that I know was
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: inappropriate and someone calls me out as uncomfortable as it is,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: I can kind of deep down agree, being like, oh,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: I probably shouldn't have said that, and yeah, they've called
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: me out, and you know, but that's just the reality
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: of it. But if someone calls me out quote unquote
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: because I like to sleep around a lot or I
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: like to whatever, then it's kind of like, get in
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: your own fucking lane. I'm living my own life based
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: on my own set of standards and my own morals,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: and I don't need to be told what to do. Like,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: if you see that someone is a bit of a
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: train wreck in dating, it is not your job to
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: lecture them on how they go about dating. And one
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: of the best ways to turn from being the righteous
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: friend who's trying to tell my friends what they should do,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: what they did right, what they did wrong, what's appropriate,
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: what's inappropriate, into a friend where you're a sounding board
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: is to instead of tell them what to do or
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: tell them what's right, is get the ball rolling by
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: asking questions like let's say you're like, yeah, but my
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: friend is it's self sabotaged because they're going to get
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: themselves in this. At the end of the day, they're
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: an adult. So what I would do if I'm like, no,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: but I need to say something is instead of telling you, ask,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: So let's say they said, oh, I've called that person again.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm back seeing that toxic person. Just then
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: say instead of saying, well you shouldn't that and I'm
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: angry that you this, and I'm like, no, it's their choices,
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: it's their life. Instead you would say something like what
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: made you do that? How do you feel going back
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: the second time? Do you feel more comfortable? You just
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: like start getting them talking and then they'll open up.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Then they'll be like, yeah, well I had a moment
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: of weakness. And then that's when you can be like,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: fucking haven't we all? You know? Then you can be empathetic, sympathetic,
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: you can be like I get it, I get it,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: We've all been there, you know. And then they start
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: to open up more because then you say you haven't
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: we all had a moment of weakness. Then they're like,
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: you know, and sometimes this person's slip back into my
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: DMS and I'm saying them again, I no, no, I
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: said I never would but this and that and then
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: you say, yeah, that's understandable. But are you worried that
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: you're going to start to feel more connected to this person?
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Are you worried that you that they're going to hurt
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: you again? Are you That is the difference between a
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: sounding board versus a righteous friend. It is not your
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: job to be like, I'm pissed off because you said
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: you'd never you know, whatever the circumstance is. I'm just
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: using dating as an example because they don't have an
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: exact example. But no one wants to be lectured when
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: they're an adult. Nobody and I will accept being lectured.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Is that if I've fucked up and actually hurt somebody.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: But if I'm living my life and I'm making my mistakes,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: I'm entitled to make my own mistakes. I'm in touch.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Most people also, when they make these bad decisions, they're
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: well aware it's a bad decision. They're like, I'm walking
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: into the fucking devil's layer and I'm here for it.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: I'm fucking I want some chaos in my life. Fucking
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: sue me. You know, it's not your job, Like there's
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: nothing more infer and you you know this, like you
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: say it's burnt friendships. There's nothing more infuriating than when
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I'm an adult wanting to live my life, whether the
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: decision is the best thing or not, and then I've
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: got another adult being like, you shouldn't do It's like can't.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm not a minor anymore and you're not my parent.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: I don't need that shit, Okay, So just think, how
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: can I turn what I want to say because I
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: want to help them into something that's more productive that's
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: going to benefit the relationship. How can I go from
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: being an ally on a sounding board and a friend
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: who accepts the flaws, from being like to being this
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: like really fucking annoying person where then your friends don't
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: open up to you. Because this has happened to me
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: in the past, where I've been so passionate about bad
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: decisions that my friends have made that have like pushed
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: them away. This is a couple of years ago. There
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: was one particular example, and I was so passionate and
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I was like, but you always come crying to me,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: and I'm trying to tell you what to do, right,
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: And then I'm like, wait a minute, what am I doing?
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: What am I doing? At the end of the day.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Who cares if they make the wrong decision thirty five
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: times over. They are an adult, They are making a
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: conscious decision, and they know what they're doing. They know
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: the persons and wang goad, they know they're going back.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Whatever I can say to them, listen, love you so much,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: But maybe I'm not the right sounding board next time
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: this person breaks your heart, because I get whatever, that's fine.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: That's not me lecturing them. I don't have to put
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: up with them crying about the same caunt for the
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: tenth time. But what I can't do is say, you know,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: get angry at them for following through with the decision
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: that they're choosing to follow through with. And that's a
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: realization that I had with one of my really good friends.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: I noticed that she started pulling away and not telling
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: me things about her private life because I was getting
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: too passionate about what was the right decision and what
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: was the healthiest decision. And I'm like, that's not what
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I'm here for. I'm here to be a friend. And
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: then I actually called her and I said that, I said,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: you know what, I was wrong. I was using my
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: passion for our friendship and how much I care about
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: you as an excuse to try and tell you what
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: to do with your life. If you want to entertain
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: these people that treat you like shit, what fine? You know,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: obviously you get something out of it too. I know
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: you're not an idiot, so there's a benefit there, Like
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: you also know that there's they've got a track record
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: of treating you like shit, but there's also a benefit.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: So like, who am I? Who the fuck am I
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: to tell you what to do? So I'm not going
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: to do that again. Okay, I don't want you to
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: feel like you have to hide things from me because
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to end up lecturing you, because that's
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: not what a friendship is about. So just letting you
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: know that I might not be the best comfort when
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: the person hurts you again, because I'm like, I'm not.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: But I'm also not going to tell you what to
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: do anymore, and I apologize that that's what I tried
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: to do, and then things mended and then should open
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: up and tell me about all kinds of things. So
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I think that's really really important. If you've got a
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: close friendship that you think is being strained because of that,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: then speak to them the way I spoke to my
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: friends say, listen, I'm aware that I tried to do this.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that again. Okay, I got
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: carried away, I got in my head, I got annoyed
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: on your behalf. But I need to fucking calm down
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: because I'm also an adult. All right, all right? Next question,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: dear alexis your podcast has been amazing for my mental peace.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm hoping you can help my brain today.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: I have the most wonderful and supportive boyfriend. He's caring, kind,
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: and so encouraging of my goals and desires in life.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: The problem is I hate his sense of fashion, to
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: the point where I feel embarrassed by his clothes when
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: we are hanging out with my friends or family. I
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: know this feels like such a superficial thing, but it
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: has really been affecting me, and I don't know what
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: to do. His clothes bring him so much joy and happiness,
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: so I need to somehow accept them. How can I
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: change my mentality not to be embarrassed? My friends say
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: to be honest, but I hate the thought of being
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: hopeful or mean, especially when he's never tried to change me. Help. Okay,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: love the honesty, Good on you for just being truthful
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: about how you feel. Listen, It's a different story if
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: this guy had shit fucking style and had no idea,
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: and you could kind of step in and be like, hey,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: how do you feel about doing a bit of a
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: style overhaul. I feel like you could almost make it
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: play for whatever. But this is not the case because
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: you said that his clothes bring him so much joy
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: and happiness. So this is an active decision that he
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: is making. He's making an active decision to choose his clothes,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: to wear these clothes because he loves makes it feel good. Okay,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: good on him. Can I just say good on anyone
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: that is like, fuck the norm. I know what makes
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: me feel good. I'm leaning into that. I love that,
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: love that energy that screams confidence, screams comfortable in your
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: own skin. I'm fucking here for it. Okay. Then you say,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: my friends say it beyond it honest about what that
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: you hate his fashion style. You can tell him that.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: You can tell him that in a playful way. You
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: could say, you know what, I'm not the biggest fan
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: of your style, but I love that you love it
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: so much. I love that it brings you so much happiness.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: And I love that you rocket and that's you know,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: that's enough for me. You know, I'm happy. You could
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: say it in that way if you want, But then
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: you also have to ask yourself, like do I have
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: to tell him that I hate his style? I mean,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't lie if he says, do you think I
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: look good? Just say you know that I don't love
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: your style, but I also think you're a very handsome man.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: That's the truth. Like, if Tyrone said that to me,
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't be like, what an asshole if Tyrone didn't
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: like my style? But he says, you know what, love you,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: you glow, You're glowing. Don't love your clothes, but I
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: fucking love you and that's all that matters. And if
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: it's going to make you happy going out, you should
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: wear that. Then I'd be like, sweet, I fucking will
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: wear this, you know. So the kind of honesty it depends,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: because you also don't want to say, like, I think
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: you should change your stuff. Now as far as you
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: wrapping your head around not feeling embarrassed. We feel embarrassed
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: about the things that we think we kind of need
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: to hide or something that's kind of shameful. I would
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: change my attitude from being like, oh, his style, all this,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: all that, to make it a trait about him that
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: is part of his personality. Like, how good is it
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: that I get to date a guy who's so confident
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: in himself that he has just niched out this really
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: random fucking sense of fashion and he loves it, and
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: it's love that for him, right, Like he's getting around
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: feeling you said, he's so happy. There's nothing more attractive
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: than someone who's so happy. I think the way you've
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: approached this with your friends has exacerbated the problem. You've
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: probably said to your friends it's like, he's a really
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: good guy, but oh my god, like just I hate
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: what he wears, I hate what he was. So then
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: you're expanding in your friend's head, your friends being like,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: oh my god, yeah, true, he's got a shit style.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: I can't believe he's combined to those two things. I
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: can't believe it. Oh my god, Oh my god, you know.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: And so then this is blown up in your head.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: You've created a fucking mountain out of a molehill or
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: whatever the saying is. So what you need to do
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: is you need to change your language around, just to
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: yourself but also around your friends, you can say, you
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: know what, I've had a change of attitude, and I
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: actually really like that. This is his personality shining through.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I actually love it. I don't have to love the clothes,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: but I love how it makes him feel, and that's
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: enough for me. The more confident you are, the less
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: people are going to make comments about it, and they're
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: going to get over it very fucking quickly. I've got
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: a good friend of mine who is with someone who
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: also doesn't love his style. I actually think his style
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: is pretty good, but she doesn't like it, and she's
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: always like, oh. At the start of the relationship, it
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: was an ick for her. It was like a barrier
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: for her to get closer with him because she was like, oh,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: fucking the way he wears his sunglasses, or the fucking
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: sunglasses that he chooses, Like why does he always have
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: to wear those tops? Or the fucking this beanie that
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: he wears, or whatever it was. She always was like, oh,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: grinding my giars, grinding my giars, grinding my gus. And
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: then as she got closer and got more in love
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: with him, then I noticed that she would start to
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: gift him things that were in his style. Instead of
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: trying to change his style. She went from being like,
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: what can I gift him that would make him veer
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: away from his style to gifting him things that like
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: really leant into what his style was, because she was like,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: I am falling in love with how beautiful his personality is,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: how big he is is the personality, and this is
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: just an extension of that, and if that's the way
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: he's going to be, then I love it. And so
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: then no one ever even bats an eyelid, none of
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: her friends do. No one ever thinks, oh my god,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: what the fuck is wearying? That's just him, that's him,
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: that's his style. We love it. Good on him, Good
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: on him, and good on her because she adores him
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: in that. I think if you can change it from
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: being like he's an embarrassment to fuck, I love this guy. Fuck.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: I'm embracing it. I embrace the way he is. And
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: then when your friends talk about it, you say, you
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: know what, I love that he's got his own style.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I love that about him. They're gonna get over it
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: very fucking quickly. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. We're
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: talking about clothes here. This is like the most superficial thing. Ever,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: and I know you've said it as well, but we
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: and I'm not saying it as in like, oh my god,
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: you're superficial. We as humans do get wrapped up in
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: these things. And I think it's good that you acknowledge it,
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: and it's good that you're like, I don't want to
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: get wrapped up. But if you look at the bigger
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: picture thing, I would much rather a guy with terrible
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: fashion who's confident and happy than a guy who's like
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: fitting into the norm, who's not confident and not happy
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: within his own skin. Any day for the week, any
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: death of the week. I would rather someone be dressed
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: like a fuck wit but be a legend and really
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: happy in his own skin. There's nothing more attractive, nothing
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: more attractive than that. So you got to look at, like,
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: what is actually attractive about this, And there's a lot.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: He's confident, he knows what he wants, he's happy in
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: his own skin, he loves his style, he's founder style
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: that he likes, he's an individual. There's so much good
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: that's hot. That's hot, okay, So when you change your attitude,
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: your friends are going to absorb that. And even if
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: they don't agree with you, They're going to be so
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: used to it that they're not going to bat an
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: eye lid moving forward. They're not gonna notice. No one's
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: gonna notice. All right, we notice things that most people
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: in this world don't even realize is happening, and we
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: magnify it. Hopefully that helps. Since all right, next question,
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: high lexis I listen to your podcast all the time
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: and it's been life changing. I honestly feel like I'm
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: listening to my best to give me a pep talk.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I love that I've been struggling lately with burnout, and
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I feel like it's been building up for a while.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: I've been with my company for almost five years and
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: have been and have worked my ass off. I work late,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: i come in early, I've been a yes woman for
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: everything that's asked, and for the past few months, I've
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: been feeling extremely apathetic about my work. I'm not excited.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: I'm anxious the night before. I sleep in late because
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: my anxiety of dealing with workday is weighs so heavy.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: It's causing me to be very uncharacteristically lazy in my
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: personal life. I don't work out, I don't have drive,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: I sit and rot on the weekends. I don't have
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: the energy to deal with friends or even text them.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: I guess my question is how do I find a
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: career that's fulfilling and how do I make sure the
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: work stress slash anxiety doesn't impact my personal life? Thank
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: you for reading. Okay, very very very good question. I'm
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: just trying to think of how I'm scheduling because I'm
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: recording a few episodes in advance, so hopefully the episode
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: on functional freeze has already come out. But I think
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: what you're experiencing here is a functional freeze where you are.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: It's chronic stress, it's burnout, and it's causing you to
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: be kind of numb and not taking action on anything
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: else in your life in every other area. And one
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: of the key ways to tackle functional phrase where if
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: you can identify where the sources and if there's something
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: you can do to change that, which is what you're
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: wanting to do, then that's really important. I think when
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: it comes to finding a career, there's many different there's many, many,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: many different criteria that you could follow when you're trying
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: to find the right career. I don't think that everyone
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: needs to find a career. That is their passion, it's
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: their purpose, it's their calling. That's not for everyone, because
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: you could have your purpose, your passion, you're everything outside
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: of work. I know. Some of the happiest people I
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: know actually don't mix their passion with their income on purpose,
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: and it actually works really well for them. They're good
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: at their job, but they're not emotionally invested in that
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: being this or some thing. Come and they're good at
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: their job, they go in, they nail it nine to five,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: They leave the office and think about it until they
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: go back in. So you got to ask yourself, what
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: lifestyle do I want? Okay, Because at the end of
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: the day, no matter how good a job is, no
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: matter how much money you make, no matter how good
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: the title is, no matter how long it took you
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: to get there, if you don't have your mental health,
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: you have nothing. If you don't have your mental health,
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: you have nothing. Okay, So it's all well and good
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: that all this thing stucks up and looks good. But
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: if I'm rotting on the weekends, if i am avoiding
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: all social connections, if I'm wasting all my free time,
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: if I then am dreading work, feeling anxious, all the time?
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: What am I doing with my life? One life? What
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: am I doing with it? Okay, so we need to
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: get the fuck out of here. The first question that
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: I will ask you is there any way that you
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: could still be working in the job? And I'm sure
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: this is probably a stupid question because I'm sure you've
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: thought about this, so it's probably not, but it's worth asking.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: Is there any way that you could stay in the
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: same company or job where you are limiting the amount
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: of responsibilities that you have and where you're not taking
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: any of that stress outside of work. And the answer
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: might be no, I don't know what the job is exactly,
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: but there are also a lot of jobs that are
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: very emotionally taxing that no matter if you're allowed to
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: leave bang on five or whatever the time is, it's
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: still brewing with you. And if this has been going
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: on for long enough, then maybe it is time for
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: a change for the sake of your mental health. You
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: know you've done it long enough. You know what is
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: available for you and what's not available for you. You
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: need to change. So your question is how do I
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: fatend a career that's fulfilling and how do I make
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: sure that the stress doesn't impact my personal life. I
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: would start with, if I were you, how do I
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: find a job where I'm good at it and where
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: the hours are set in stone nine to five or
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: whatever the hours you want to work. Let's just call
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: it nine to five for the sake of this advice.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: Nine to five in a job that I'm capable of.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Because your aim right now is I need a good
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: life balance. If I put all the pressure in now,
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: I need to find a job that I'm passionate about.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: That's like my calling that I'm really oh, I love it,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: I love it. I can guarantee you if you can
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: find a job that doesn't stress you out, which then
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: allows you to have high energy, high focus, good cognitive reserve,
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: a good social life, good sleep, great weekends, you will
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: be so fucking happy. You'll be passionate about life. You
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: might find yourself being like, you know what, I got
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: a job that I'm good enough that it pays the bills.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: It's good, but I don't think about it when Friday.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: When I leave on Friday, it doesn't cross my fucking
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: mind until I'm back on Monday. And that is happiness
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: for so many people. We need to stop complicating it.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: You don't need to be passionate about this job. So
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: my first step is that get a job that does that.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Then then once you found that middle ground, once you've
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: found this, once you've settled, the stress has gone down,
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: the anxiety has gone down, the burnout has gone down.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: I'm now working out, I'm going for walks, I'm saying
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: my friends, I'm reading books again, I'm doing hobbies. I
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: have a life outside of my job. Then I ask
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: myself the next question, am I happy? Because if the
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: answer is yes, keep doing what you're doing. You don't
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: have to change it. Or you could say, you know what,
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: this has given me time to settle, to find myself again,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: to feel really good. And now the next step, after
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: six months or after a year, might be to be like, now,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: I want to look into a career that I'm really
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: passionate about. But your number one priority right now is
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: your mental and physical health. That's your number one priority.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: So I wouldn't try and put too many things in
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: one basket. The only thing I'm trying to do is
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: create balance in my life. You're not getting that at
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: your job, and if it's not possible to get it
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: at your job. You need to get the fuck out
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: of their Okay, I need to reduce stress in all
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: possible areas. If I start thinking, oh my god, I
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: need a job that I'm passionate about, You're probably gonna
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: lay up more stress onto your life, which is not
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: what you need right now. So it's a two step
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: process because after the first step you might be like,
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: you know what, I actually love this life. I've seen people,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: all these people on TikTok and Instagram who have left
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: their job to start their own business and then after
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: some time being like, you know what, I just want
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: a really enjoyable life. So they've quit their side hustle
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: or their business or working for themselves. They quit that,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: you know, the dream if I work for myself, and
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: they've gone back to an anti five and they're happier
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: than ever because it allowed for structure, it allowed for
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: social life, it allowed for a steady income, it allowed
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: for you know, to have like their fitness and their
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: health and everything tied into one. And they're like, this
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: is what I've always wanted. I just wanted to feel
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: really good, healthy, social, happy, sleeping, well, hobbies everything, and
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: I can afford a holiday and I'm not fucking thinking
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: about work every second of my life. Okay, so let's
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: glorify a nine to five that we don't love but
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: also doesn't cause us stress. That's also really good for you.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: So that would be my advice. And then after you've
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: got that job six or twelve months, then you can
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: reassess and decide because you might be like, nah, this
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: is exactly what I want to be doing, and then
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: I can actually put my time into things that like
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: bring me joy or not. Or now like I've reset
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: my nervous system, I'm feeling really good. Now I'm ready
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: to explore a career that I've always wanted to explore,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Like maybe i want to study something new. Maybe, but
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling good and calm, and I feel like I
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: have the energy to do it. But going from this
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: to then something really intense, well, you're putting a lot
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: of pressure in yourself. I wouldn't recommend cool guys. That
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: is all for today's episode. I was just chaking the
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: time because I don't want to go over That's all
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. As always,
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take you
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't