Latest / Off the Clock, On the Rocks with Abby and Kate / Episode 2: Childhood Trauma | Off the Clock, On the Rocks

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Episode 2: Childhood Trauma | Off the Clock, On the Rocks · Off the Clock, On the Rocks with Abby and Kate

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having a spicy margarita.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Spicy margarita for Kate Box.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm having a lemon drop martini.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sticky a little.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I just want a little bit extra in there so it looks like I didn't already start drinking before the thing started.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's really good.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Lemon drop martini.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Delicious soap.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Off the Clock and On the Rocks with Abby and Kate, where work ends and real life begins.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Grab your drink, get comfortable, and we're gonna get on the rocks.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Abby, what are we drinking tonight?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Tonight, Kate is going to enjoy a spicy margarita, and I will have my favorite drink, a lemon drop martini.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: So cheers.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I already drank it.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Cheers to you too.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's too spicy, but I like it.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, let's get comfy.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: What are we gonna talk about today?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: We talked about this a little in our last episode.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be our intro to trauma.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not all of the trauma that we've experienced because there's been, you know, traumatic in instances like everybody else has.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: However, this is our intro to trauma.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood trauma, if you will, that has led us to the spot we are at in our adult lives.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, as we determined last time, I guess, we're gonna go through some stuff and then we have rapid fire questions for each other.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here, and let's get on the rocks.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Abby, what's your childhood trauma made of?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's the root of your childhood trauma topic?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: I am going to focus a little bit on something that used to be negative, turned positive.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I am the eldest daughter.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a middle child, but I'm the eldest daughter.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: And as the eldest daughter, I hold a lot of my family responsibility.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: So nobody really checks up on you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: They all think you can do it.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to check up on everybody else.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I think growing up, well, you know me, we work together.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: She was my boss.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I like to prove myself a lot.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: A lot.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tell her she can't do something because she's gonna be like, oh, watch me.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think she will do it.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I did that a lot in my personal life, in my work life, and I think something that stands out for myself is that I did it a lot in my marriage.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I don't think a lot of people talk about that, and I always wanted for my husband to prove my worth, whether it was through words of affirmation or whether it was through I don't know, different ways I wanted him to validate me a lot because I feel like nobody really I guess gave me the encouragement.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody just expected me to do good.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um knew you could, expected you to, so you rose to the occasion and didn't really like uh muck around in it much.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I think now that I'm older, um, in the beginning it was a little bit challenging to kind of I guess feel secure about myself.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was really doubtful.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um I knew I could, you know, do things at at work, and that came very easy because it's it's very structured.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: But in my personal life, I had a really hard time accepting myself.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I had a really hard time telling myself that I should be proud of myself, feeling good about my my things that I've accomplished because I almost felt like we should kind of be hush about them.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And we and we don't I don't know because not celebrate your successes.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly, just because they're expected, maybe yes, okay.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: So now that I'm older, I'm like, you know what, heck yeah, like we did this, or I did this, or I feel more sure about myself, I feel more at peace with myself, and I think that has led me to be a very different mom, a very different wife, a very different friend, and a very different leader.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I think maybe you shared this with me, or I don't know if you did, but I remember this quote at the time.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take credit for it.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: That somebody said you never know what it took for somebody to get to where they're at.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I think You don't know the story behind the scenes, exactly, like what led up to it.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we forget that, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think people have hard moments.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's important to check in, and I do that with myself now.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm feeling stressed, I'll get a massage, I'll take my me time, I'll cry things out.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: I I love to cry things out, but now I don't need the validation of other people, and I think my family loves me.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I I I generally do, I don't blame my family, but I do I have learned that I have to lower my expectations just because for such a long part of my life I fixed everything for everybody else.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I can expect them to change overnight, but it's nice to get a compliment from my mom or my dad or my siblings, and now I receive that differently than I used to before, where I used to just brush it off and keep it moving.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now I let it sit there, I feel proud of myself, I enjoy the moment a lot more, and I think that has helped me significantly.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: I like that.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It kind of translates to mine, which is uh having this need to please people and take on their expectations and what they want for me as like, okay, well, that's what everybody wants, so I'm just gonna do those things and not follow through with what it is that I really truly wanted to do for myself.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think I even gave myself the time of the day to say what do I want, because it was always like what your parents' expectations were, what a spouse's expectations were, what your teacher's expectation or boss or all these other people, or even like society.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: The expectation is you're at a certain age in your life, it's time to get married, it's time to have kids, and um, those things kind of shaped like my early 20s, probably, like other people's wants and desires for me, so I didn't really even care about what is it that would matter to me and what is it that I want.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was the oldest daughter, I'm the only daughter.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, but my brother, being five years older than me, he had his own challenges, so that left me to be like, Alright, I just gotta figure this out on my own.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so you put a lot of pressure on yourself, to your point, right?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Of I can accomplish this, they expect it of me, I'm gonna be able to do it, and no one checks in.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like at the roughest times of my life, very few people like reached out, and I even had family members say, Well, we know you can do it, we know how strong you are, you know, and you're like, hmm, okay, which is nice and reaffirming, but at the same point, it's like it'd be nice to have that check-in and that checkup, but you don't almost expect it anymore, right?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's other people's expectations of you or me that drove me to achieve or try to accomplish or try to like get as much done, climb the ladder as high as possible, which we kind of touched on last time, is like you kind of that kind of wears out eventually.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't care about the ladder.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I think I saw a meme today that uh one of our friends posted that said, um, I'm tired of climbing the corporate ladder.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I hope the corporate ladder falls and I get workers comp from the corporate ladder.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, that's how I feel.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, I think that it's that need for somebody else to be in control or the expectation that somebody else is in control and they they've decided what you should be doing.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it led me a long time until I just stopped caring what other people thought, you know.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: I I think when when you say that, one thing that really stands out to me is that in our work relationship, I really admired how you had everything together.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, from the outside looking and perception, yes.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: She was really great at doing her job, she did her job well, she disconnected from work, she had family time, she was going out on trips, vacations, and you had everything.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: You seemed to have um a beautiful marriage.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: We came home one time from a trip, and you know, you got a sign and you got like you know, a grand gesture at the airport when we were coming back from a work trip, and I I really looked at Kate as somebody that I wanted to be, and it's really funny how things happen in life because when we got really close, it was a very life-changing moment for you.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and it was a moment where I think maybe God took the blindfolds off me, and I think he really told me, I need you to admire me, but I need you to help her.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember um I told Josh, I was like, Oh, this is a little awkward because this is my boss.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, should I do these things?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Well, if you feel it in your heart, just go do them because she'll appreciate it.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Okay.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I would go in and I would go through these things, and as we've gotten closer, I feel like you're in a place in your life where you are getting that validation, you are getting that reassurance, and it has turned you into a completely different person, a more emotional person, a more which is scary, loving person, I think a different mom.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're getting in and like you birthed a new person and a new time frame.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And and for me, it's very beautiful to watch, but it should also be a good reminder for everybody else that just because we see a perfect marriage and we see somebody that has it all, you never know what's going on behind closed doors ever.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So don't make yourself feel bad for somebody else's success.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think really analyze what you have going on.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: What is it that you bring of value and what are the things that you can do differently to get to that goal that you have, whether it's in a financial way by buying things, or whether it's it's in a you know, relationship place.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's where I really walked away learning that we could help each other out, but it it's just been super nice to see behind the curtain.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, I think it's just nice because you're still.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: You saw the vulnerability.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I I think what you're talking about too is like, especially at work, I try to draw a very fine line, you know, where a defined line between what I what I choose to share and what I don't, but I think what I learned through that same process is that I I've been very good at making everything look very good on the outside.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very good at that.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's the people-pleasing aspect, that's the other people's expectations, that's the what do people think, what do you expect that other people need from you?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it was confidence and and me being self-assured and me having this great, you know, r relationship that was not good behind the scenes, right?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that once you and I started talking more, and I kind of like I think originally you said something like, I don't know why God brought us together, but it was for a certain reason.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there's some reason that you and I have been brought together and we're gonna figure it out as we, you know, process forward.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that was totally true because which I didn't expect the trauma aspect to come up into this, but the the spouse that she's talking about ended up passing away in a very horrific way, unexpected, but also unexpected after we had already decided, or I had already decided to leave the marriage.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'd come to the point where I wasn't gonna um entertain that anymore, and I think I'd grieved the marriage for many years prior to that, and Abby got to see that as it kind of all dissolved.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: So she saw what I projected forward and then the truth behind everything.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then once I was I I guess free is from that situation, like my life completely changed, and I was more vulnerable, and then I got laid off, and then I cried, I cried a lot.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: I which she never cried.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a crier, I'm not.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a crier, I've never been a crier, and after I got laid off, it's like this expectation of the title and the money and the the company's name and all these things fell away, and the only thing was left was me in the ashes of that, right?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's like, well, who is that me?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, is it the stuff that everybody else has been saying that I am?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is it, you know, and I I work with people on perception and those types of things, but like what's left, you know, and something you keep you say that kept keeps reminding me of something is like don't compare your middle or your beginning to someone else's ending, right?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: So there's people have achieved these great things, and you're like, wow, that's awesome.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to be there, but we to your point, we don't know about this the toil and the struggle that it took to get there, number one.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And also, like, what what really are they showing?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the whole social media thing.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no one's like, Whoop, had the shittiest day ever.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna post it on social, you know what I mean?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Never know.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Some people cry on social.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like that.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you like that?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, pop it up, and then you gotta go back and edit your crying.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's weird.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'll just cry privately now that I cry.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then watch us like when you don't like crying on camera.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to cry on camera.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I barely want to cry in real life.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I think my man has seen me cry like three times.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And one time I remember crying in the bathroom, and I had closed the door, and it was early in the morning, and I was like getting ready for the day, and I just like it hit me.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting there and I'm crying on the floor, and I thought I was doing it so quiet, and then he opens the door and he was like, Are you crying?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, so sweet, and he like sweeps me up.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the whole thing is you never know what's gonna come out of these like crazy situations.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: The trauma that happens, there's always a reason behind it, there's always a method behind it.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think God has a huge pl hand in what's happened.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Great things come out of traumatic situations, and God always delivers.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And out of a traumatic situation, ended up meeting this great guy, he's phenomenal, everything I needed, but to your point, allowed me to be me, and then I was able to find myself.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: But I think in the midst of I think you're still figuring yourself out.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Very much.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: And and I will say 40.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: The one thing about trauma is that in the beginning when things are changing or when you're overcoming something, it feels very unnatural.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you almost wanna like sabota uh self-sabotage.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Sabotage.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, or or you don't understand what's going on.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think like there's a almost distance yourself enough from it where it's like, well, it's not that important to me, so I'm not gonna like put a lot of stock in it, you know.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: I I would say yes.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: You would call me sometimes and you'd be like, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm just I'm waiting for like the sh the weirder, the shitty part of him to come.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm just waiting and I'm just waiting.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it's very interesting that we do that because I think part of the reason we do that is because we at least for myself, I'll speak for myself, is that you almost don't feel worthy of it.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: Or you you don't feel worthy of it.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't deserve it because I've already and you said this earlier where you were like you we I don't remember what part of it was, but you said that we'll tend to go towards things that are familiar even if they're maybe it was like a question we were talking about before this, but you tend to go towards something that's familiar even when it's not good for you.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, right?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I think like you talked about how like you've been able to evolve into the person that you truly are, making a better mom, better wife, all of that.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you think that's played into like your motherhood, like in your kids?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think for my kids, one of the things that was very challenging for me is I always felt the need to put other people's needs before mine.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And when it comes to my girls, it's like a service type of lifestyle.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: I have taught them that it's okay to say no, it's okay to make other people uncomfortable with your answer if it means that you're protecting your peace.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember just this weekend, um, I was explaining to Mia while we were, you know, shopping for a present what boundaries are and what do they mean and what exactly, and giving her examples, and we were at a family dinner and um somebody was taking drinks and they were, you know, inviting um, you know, Josh, my husband, for a drink.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, No, I'm good.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Oh, come on, man, just like have a beer.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: And Mia looks at me and she goes, Mom, those are boundaries.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, That's right, like they're not respecting your boundaries.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Don't feel bad for doing things that make you feel good if you're not hurting somebody else.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And um other and your life would be completely different if you chose to follow that rule.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you know, like very much more less I'm gonna figure it out at 30, 35, 40 that I shouldn't be going after all these things that other people want of me, but more of like what is it that I truly want?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what you're teaching her, which is really cool.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: I know that you're a really great mom though.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: But thank you.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: I wanna know what has it taught you about relationships.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think that your a lot of your trauma was centered around your past marriage, right?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: But how has it been different?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've seen a little bit of that, but what are the things that felt awkward maybe that you really enjoy?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: What are the things that like stand out to you?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think after after he passed away, I think I went really insular with her, where it was just her and I.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like us protecting each other.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I noticed that that was well, it was fun.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: We traveled a lot, we went to saw concerts, we did so much stuff.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: What I noticed is I was like almost giving her too much information or more choice or more maturity than she was really needing or ready for.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: And once I kind of realized that and my man helped me figure that out, I really was able to like pull that back and allow her to be like a kid and be frivolous and obviously still have responsibilities, but like I don't want her to be in a position where she's trying to please me like I was trying to please my parents forever, you know?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I picked the college I did because of them.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I picked my my specialties, my degrees, all that, because like what are they gonna be happy with?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: And what I've started to realize with her too is that like she has all these different interests and things that she wants to try out, like I want to try acting or I want to try illustrating or all these things that are scary to get started.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: I remember her telling me she was like, I really want to do this thing, but I'm nervous about it.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like nervous to try it.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what if I'm not good at it?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, screw that, like, let's figure that out.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because where when I was a kid, I would never have taught talked to my parents about my desire to be in a creative type field because there's no money in that and there's no reliability in that.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what I've kind of pivoted towards is like investing in what her dreams are, not what my dreams are for her.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess that's kind of one of the bigger things I've seen.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think I've also like chilled out a lot.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think other people have mentioned that to me, like less restrictions, less like rules, and more, and maybe not rules, but like I don't have as many limitations for her.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: She has more options as far as what does she want to do?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, because I'm like when we because you're you're pretty regimented.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: I am regimented.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: So do you mean like she like like she's more she's allowed to be more creative or well I think like Or could it be that now you have like a father figure there who's kind of able to take that or or do you tell me I mean that that could be that too.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think that like when when her dad passed away she and I were in a place of just her her and I.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so she got like I probably spoiled her more.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I probably said yes to things I shouldn't have.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that was more of just us trying to survive that time.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what it showed me was that I was giving her more like adult responsibility and conversation inclusions than I was allowing her to be a kid.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like kind of putting that weight, because she was the only one I had that was always there with me, you know.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think, I mean, I've obviously have great friends and great family, but when it comes down to at nighttime, who's there, her and I were there.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that was always, even when her dad was alive, it was always her and I, and then him off doing his own thing, and he had his own addictions and his own struggles and mental health issues that led him to being very off on his own.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what the evolution has shown me is that she should have reasonable choice in what it is that she wants.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And outside of like you have the expectations at school, you have those things, but if you want to go, like, for example, like two or three years ago, she wanted to take ventriloquist lessons.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hate ventriloquist dummies so much.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: I said I told her I was like, Oh, they don't have those in New Mexico, and I couldn't find them.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't try.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want her to do it.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if she said that I'd be like, Okay, let's entertain that because her creative expression and what she wants is very important to me so that she can have a future that she's passionate about and not be at my age trying to figure out what am I really passionate about.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I see.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Took me a while to get there, but I think I got there.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: No, I I I think you did the first time.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's just, you know, it takes me a little longer.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's you.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm just I think I actually counterpointed myself there multiple times, but it's fine.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm like All over the place, but that's okay.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I think that's important.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I also think the boundaries issue that you're or the learning lesson from a boundaries perspective is so important too.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I never learned that I gave away my boundary.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I probably still do in so many different ways.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think you've even told me that.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, people take it, people take advantage of that, or I just wanna be helpful, so I give, give.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's a culture thing.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like you're a very giving person, and and I do love that you will give and you know that it's gonna come back to you.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know that God's gonna continue to bless you because you you give with an open heart.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't expect anything in return.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: I know, but unfortunately You expect people in return to give me something back sometimes.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna pitch on that, you say, or something like that.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: No, I I just think it's like if I'm able to help, why am I gonna allow you to cover the full cost of something?
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: And but and we're both gonna enjoy it.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if you want to treat me the first time, great, by all means I'll be able to do that.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: But we'll go back, yeah.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: But you are very e you're a very equal sharing, let's come to the table together, and just as generous, and I think just as uh I probably more so, you know?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: I just I think the difference between you and I is that once I oh I don't know if I should say this, um, because I know some friends are gonna watch this.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: But if honest truth, if I dislike something or if I notice something that's not aligned with my values or some of the characteristics or character or whatever it is in a person and we just don't align, I will slowly but surely start to distance myself.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's how I create boundaries, silent boundaries, and they protect my peace and I remove myself because I don't want to create chaos.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I've ever had to like there's ever been an issue that I have to had to like sit down and address.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think um it's only happened once with um my daughter and and like a parent that I had to talk to, but it within my family, I just I just retract.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: I retract and I slowly pull away and well you protect yourself.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: It it's worked for me.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the one thing that I feel like a lot of people don't understand about maybe my my husband's family or my family is that I am super protective of the intimacy or the closeness that we have with my immediate family, my husband and the girls.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: That is very sacred to me, that is very important to me.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is my safe space, and this is where I can come home and I can just cry on Josh and he will, you know, cuddle me whatever it is that I need.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: When you like cry on him, okay, because I'm new at this whole crying thing, you know?
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when I cry, it's like very much alone or in the shower or in the car sometimes.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: I used to do that and I loved it too.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it and it is nice, it is freeing, but like I I wouldn't come home and be like cuddle up and then cry on him.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not saying that.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not like let's cuddle, but like I would cry and then he'd hug me.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and then just feel nice and but you just walk in and you feel comfortable just crying.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: No, not I mean we've had days like that.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: He's asking.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: I again meaning my last job, you know, this I would literally wake up crying, come home crying, call him crying, go to the office or break room, cry.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: I've never cried at a time terrible time, terrible time at all.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: Not until recently.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: And um, we always for me it's very important to have um like alone time.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: So we would have it at night, and we would sit down, we would sit in the garage with you and him.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: Just him and I.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: The girls are already in bed, we sit there, and then we would just talk about our days, and then as conversation went on, there were things that I would get emotional about and I would start crying.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember in the beginning of our relationship, because I'm very much a crier, he would always tell me, but I don't want to see you cry, or I don't want to talk to you because I don't want you to cry.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: And now he's used to it.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: So now he's like, You you definitely do carry your emotions like outwardly, yeah.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Which I mean I do appreciate because it's so different than my I don't know what it is, but I like have a very very hard time crying in front of people.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: I think that like I cried at the funeral.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Have I cried in front of you other than that?
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember, I blocked it out.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just kidding, I don't know.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I just I'm not good at it.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like I I feel like I'm in my head about it, and I'm like, oh, I'm not gonna be able to cry.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think what well again, I do it mostly with my husband.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: And for the longest time, yeah, my my family's like, well, why don't you share things with us or why don't you tell us?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not that I don't want to share it.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just But also there's too many opinions sometimes.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: I sometimes I just want to process it.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I just want to like let it out.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I want to be, you know, I want to bitch about it with somebody and he'll be there.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next day I'm gonna be like, you know what, I I didn't mean that.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: And let's switch it up.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like he doesn't judge me, he understands me, he very much accept accepts me the way I am, and that evolution of our marriage has been really nice.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: And if you tell me what would be one thing that would be scared to lose, I think it's my marriage.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the one thing that I hold very near and dear to my heart.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um it it's like the your foundation, you know?
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think that that's one of the when you first introduced yourself to me outside of the whole I'm a Mexican thing, which I appreciate and carry on.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: More power to you, um, was that was your relationship with him.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think he came up second topic, you know.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like there's that partnership's important, but what I've learned through I'm like a I like monogamous relationships.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in several but long-term monogamous relationships.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what I've learned too is that it truly is finding the right person that compliments you.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that like long ago when I was very young, I think um 17 is when I met um my first go-around.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've done this a few times.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: I sound so horrible, but it's true.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: And um at that yeah, and learning lesson, but at that same point I decided, okay, well, we're at this certain age, that's when people get married, so that's what we should be doing.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Okay, that's what we're gonna do.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it was not right.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: We were not right for each other.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was too freaking young.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think that don't hate it because I am a Christian, but I think people need to date around and they need to like experience different people before they decide to land on their future forever, just because it is such an important decision.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: And now that I'm in, like, I think I told you this, like a a surprisingly healthy relationship.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think my shock is is this how it really should be?
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like someone that's actually supportive of you that wants to like encourage you, and and it's very weird.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've never been taken care of or provided for.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think even into my childhood, my parents both had other things going on.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: They were both now recovering, but both alcoholics.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: My brother had his own issues, and there was just no attention or time, so I was very independent and I was used to being on my own, and I moved out when I could the soonest I could ever, and I was on my own, and I was always the breadwinner.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: Always, always, amongst my friends or you know, partners I had or whatever, and now I'm in a situation where that's not an expectation, and that I'm taking care of, and and and it's it's so weird when you're in the right thing.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, is this when you say I was waiting for the other shoe to drop?
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: I truly was the whole time.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm waiting for his crazy to come out or him to do something fucking stupid, so that I know that I was right the whole time, and there's not a good one out there, and it just never happened, and it was so weird.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: I kept telling her, I'm like, it's too, it's too good.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Something has to be wrong, you know, and when you have the right person, it is just good, yeah.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it's been nice, it's been nice um being your friend and getting to watch that.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's changed um how you carry yourself, it's changed how you dress.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when I first met you, she was a really nice body.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to tell her, girl, I'm wearing bad clothes.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um she did tell me that.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, you need to dress different.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, and then she this no no no, but this was like when you were we where we were still like kind of feeling out the potential of being friends, right?
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because I again I'm very specific on if you work for me, I want to draw the line.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: And there was always like this extra little something where you're like, because all of my good friends, all of them, there's not that many, but I have you know, the majority of my really good close friends came to me because we worked together.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a few extras.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you're watching this, you're not one of those, but you know that I love you too.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: But a lot of them came from these working environments, and it's just a way that you like can learn about somebody in a different way.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I was always like, I think I guarded myself a little bit because I felt like there was like I wanted to be friends, but I couldn't do it with my ethics and integrity, so I didn't like always share that stuff, but it started sneaking out, you know?
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then you were like it was very obvious at the end, and then they had to be very obvious.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had to get rid of her because it was it was very clear I had to move her to a different team.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: But she tells me one day, she was like, Why are you always wearing those baggy clothes?
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't realize it, but it was just like it had become my uniform of like oversized t-shirts and jeans, like oversized everything.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: Over I was probably trying to hide.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think so.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: And and I and I told her, I was like, You have a really nice body.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you wear something a little not like inappropriately tight at work, but I'm like, why don't you wear something different?
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: She did make she did tell me, like, stop.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_01: How now as I wear my oversized, she got like a sweater too, by the way.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: You're more into yourself, you have a little more confident, you're more yes, yeah.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I also feel like I'm in a in a space where it's not like what I think people think I should be, that I truly feel comfortable being like that.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I hid for a long time.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and I can resonate with that because now I have a different job.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: And before, I guess, our uniform, I was so locked in to just work, work, work, work, work that I didn't care about my hair.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't care about my nails, I didn't care about myself, I didn't take care of myself.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: It was work was my number one priority, and now I get my hair done, I do my nails, I I put effort into my outfit, and while it may not mean a lot to others, it it has changed how I feel about myself, it has made me more confident, um, and it's just in the world.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: But you care you carry yourself in a different way too.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can see that it's like that it's not just all this one priority.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because like I think we put we talked you earlier in this, you talked about it, but it's like your priority is your family and your marriage, number one.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: But previously when we worked together, that priority was not demonstrated because you were so focused on proving yourself at work.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: I mean work took over.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, you had to I think there was so much of like I'm the new girl, I'm the young girl, I'm the one that blah blah blah.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think we talked about that a bunch of times, but you had to prove yourself, and there was so she everything came so easy to her, which I think was great, and she did a really good job, but I don't think you believed it.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you kept chasing this like other thing, and then when you were you got what you wanted, what you thought you wanted, this new promotion, which ended up leading to us being laid off, which was great for both of us.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, thank you to the company.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: However, um, you then had to re-find yourself and then reground those priorities.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think we talked about this multiple times.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, if those are your priorities, why are you making this choice that is not in line with those things, right?
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where crying every day happened and all that stuff.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and it and I think that's my I wouldn't say current battle, but that's something that I'm dealing with.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think my body's really great at telling me when something's not working out.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_01: She doesn't always listen.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: And um, God will tell me, and I know she doesn't always listen to listen to that either.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I again, as maybe like a defense mechanism, pull back.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_01: I would draw and I start overanalyzing, I start overthinking, I start lack of trust and more like I need to control this.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: Reassurance, I need validation, I immediately start looking for validation.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody needs to prove my worth versus me knowing my worth in it.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I know the decision I have to make, I know what I have to do, but it takes me so long to get there.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I think right now what I'm working on is just trusting myself, trusting in God, and making those decisions as they come.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: And this this specifically layoff has really taught me because I went to some people that give me some really random advice.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I will never go to you again.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um but it just refined myself and and re-pivoted my attention to be like, if I have an issue, I can go to God and He will give me guidance.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_01: And he always has, he's never left me, no, but I have chosen to ignore him at times, which doesn't feel great to say.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I think so many people do though, because it's the har he's not gonna always give you the easy way because he sees he sees so much more than we see, and he's gonna give you the way to the end result, but you have to listen, you have to take action, and you have to move forward.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, like, I don't know if you've seen this movie, you probably haven't, because we talked about this last time and we talked about this forever, but Indiana Jones, when they're going on the last crusade, and he has to take this leap of faith out to be able to get to the this is so nerdy that using this example, but he's looking for the holy grail with his dad, and he has to step out into what looks like this huge cavern, and he talks about like um the is it the the he it's a leap of faith and a trust in God, and you have to take that leap even though you know do not know where your feet are gonna land, you do not know if you're gonna be there or in the bottom of this cavern.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: Turns out that it was a safe little s walk, it just didn't look that way, and I think that's the whole point is that God has this line, God has this plan, and it's his plan, not our plan.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: Our plan is never the right plan.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: My plan has ended me up in shitty situations, bad relationships, longer than I should have, doing things I shouldn't have, and then now like being able to trust in the direction that got and that God has for me has allowed the pressure to come off.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because all I have to do is take the next step.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I think s what you and I continue to talk about too is like the trust is the hard part, right?
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what he needs you to do and you obsess over these other things and you look for validation outside of him, and really all you need to do is just say, fuck it and take the step.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then he does, and then you're like, Oh, I should have listened.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then you land in this cushy little spot and you're like, holy shit, you know, like, and I think that's like proof in the pudding for so many things.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like after the after my daughter's dad passed away, that's I think the easiest way to call him my daughter's dad passed away.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: He everything like opened up, and it was like God was like, I'm gonna take care of you.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: His plan was not for him to pass away and not to pass away in the way that he did, but after that, he delivered in so many different ways, and uh this really great relationship came out of it.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: My self-confidence improved, my comfortability with like making a leap, like running my own business, which is terrifying.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same point, I'm I love it.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: I need to figure out my time management, but I love it.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, all has come because he had his plan, not me.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_02: His plan.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: I agree.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_01: Long pause there, but I agree.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know there was a long pause, but you're right, and she's always been very encouraging on that, and I hope that I return the same level of encouragement to you for what you want to accomplish.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_01: I I think you helped me out in the beginning a lot.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um when it was when it was about work and when I needed to I think you knew how to push me, when to push me, and what to tell me so that I could believe it myself.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um and it's like full circle.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think when we have people in our life who have given that us that trust and that belief in ourselves or that encouragement, now I'm in a place where I can give it back.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm in a in a workplace where I'm really, really happy because I see so much potential and I see how much value I can add in somebody else's life.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: Not even like work-related, which you know that the results will come, but like how can I help somebody grow?
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because some of the things that you taught me or that I learned through you not only helped my work life, but it helped my personal life and it helped a lot of other things.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I think when there is something that's good, and when there is something that you value, you kind of almost have the obligation to pay that forward to somebody else or to help you know someone's need in a way that you received it because I'm I'm a very true believer that we're in this loop.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_01: One day we're on top, and eventually we'll get to the bottom, right?
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_01: And life happens to all of us.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it it's nice to know that the things that you put out there, you may not receive that back from that person, but there might be somebody else who steps in and returns that favor, or maybe not for me, but somebody will look out for my kids or my husband, like the karmic influence.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, very much so.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I genuinely do believe in that.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: But I feel like we've had some great conversations today.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I'm glad that uh that we've both been able to be in that circle for each other because it's been a wild road, even though it's doesn't seem like that much time has passed, but I think a lot of time has passed.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I think this was good.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: The last thing I would say is that you're worthy and your worth is independent of what anybody else says, and it's innate and given to you by God.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: Bad days, good days, whatever those things are, your worth is still there and present, and again, not up to the determination of anybody else.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: So just my little last little tidbit.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for some rapid fire questions?
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, let's do it.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you want to go first or you want me to go first?
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: What is your biggest fear as a mom?
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: My biggest fear and the only thing I have nightmares about is my child getting abducted.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh like it's my biggest, I know it's like heavy and weird.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: And now that so my boyfriend has a uh a little now four-year-old as well, so I've like stepmom vibes, you know, which is great.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: I love him and he's great, but the only thing I have nightmares about is something happening to the kids.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I am so afraid.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think I watch a lot of murder mysteries, I watch a lot of, and that's probably like an irrational fear.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I get that, but like that's the and I have like very vivid dreams.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's my biggest, like, truly overwhelming fear about my kids.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: As far as like like more realistic things, I think I look at parenting as like you're baking a cake over a very long period of time, and you don't know if it's gonna be good or baked until the very end, and that you no longer have control over.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, like I hope that that's true.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_01: What analogy?
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's I always look at it that way, and I always hope that like every interaction, because every interaction adds to the quality of the cake or takes away from the quality of the cake.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like, did you bake the pineapple upside down, Gabe?
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: The wrong, like the wrong side.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, or did I put too much baking powder in there and it's gonna be, you know, whatever?
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: Baking.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's my biggest thing is like, did I do the right thing to lead to preparing them to be the best possible additions to humanity that they could be?
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I almost want to ask a follow-up.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: Ask a follow-up.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think our parents thought about that?
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't think so?
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think my parents thought about am I going to be are they gonna because I think every parent wants to make their kids experience better than their own.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think we all naturally want to just like improve and and level up each time, but I don't think my parents thought about it in that level of detail.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think growing up, because I am 10 years older than you, growing up in the area and time that I did, we didn't have the same like limitations, right?
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was like just go and play in the neighborhood, go to the weirdo across the street's house and play in his backyard.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like no one cared.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was just this, like we're not that far apart.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: Did you do that too?
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, good.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_00: That makes me feel better.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was like the lights go out, then you go home.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_00: There was this little neighbor that lived down the street from us, and she would always get kicked out of her parents' house on sat Sunday afternoons from one to three.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know what they were doing.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: And uh she was like, come over to our house, and she's like, I'm not allowed to go back till three.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: So she would just like come and hang out.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, they're getting it.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same point, you just send your kid away, you know.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think my parents thought of that.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_00: Interesting.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think they prepared.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: For like schooling and education and valued all of that.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I don't necessarily think that they thought about like is each interaction I'm having with them helping or hurting?
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: I had a therapy mom.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: My mom went to therapy.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, my everything was a therapy session.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I went to therapy starting at age five.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: I also think therapy is the best thing.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: My mom went to therapy, my dad went to therapy, my dad didn't talk about anything except for work, and he was like, Why would I tell her anything else?
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, it's because it's your therapist.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: But um, yeah, no, I I yeah, there's still that.
• 44:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm the therapy mom for my kid because we talk a lot about like like what I do for other people and what I do for clients and people, I do for her too.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, so she's always like, What do you do?
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, exactly what we just worked through, like with your issue with your friends.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's what I do.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, Oh, okay.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_01: Love that.
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_01: That wasn't very rapid fire, but I hope you enjoyed that.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, next question.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_00: This one's for you.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_00: Which is harder?
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: Disappointing someone or disappointing yourself?
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: Disappointing someone is always very sad.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I think disappointing myself, it's very hard for me to come to terms with.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think disappointing yourself is worse.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: It is because you carry it like for so long.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I can forgive myself.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: And there's times where I've done something where I'm like, shouldn't have done that, and it like wears on me.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it was not necessarily what I did to that person.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was more of like I let myself down because I shouldn't have done it.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think my disappointment is when I'm not true to myself.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, like the genuine, like the people pleasing when I'm putting somebody's needs over mine, and then I look back and but then you suffer.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm like, why did I do that?
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_01: Which I'm getting great at.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like I think you've gotten a lot better.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, you talked about the whole like you seclude yourself.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_00: I do that as well, but I think you do it much quicker than I do.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think it takes me like a bunch of times for you to show me the kind of person you are, and then I'm like, oop, I finally believe you.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just a vibe person, yeah, and you trust it.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like they are.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think that could be your like intuitive vibe.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_00: You feel it, and you're like, eh, or ooh.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I think it's a lot of instances where I I will meet you and the vibe is off, and I will choose to surface level.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: See, and I'm like uh, I'll give you everything I have, and then you like fuck me over like five times, and then I'm like, okay.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't want it.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't want it that anymore, you know.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it takes me a while.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_01: Next question.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_01: This one's for you, Kate.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_01: What is the biggest green flag in a relationship?
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like a romantic relationship?
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: Biggest green flag.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would say the number one thing that's most important to me is honesty.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: So people that can tell me the truth.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say I told that to my man early on.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, well, I mean, not early on, because I think we had like a very frivolous relationship to begin with.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_00: But when it got serious and we started talking about like more serious things, honesty was like the number one thing, and then he proved it to me over and over and over again.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it was stupid small stuff, like, and this is super dumb, but he'd be like, You really need to go brush your teeth, and I'm like, Thank you.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because I could be offended by that, but I also appreciate that even the little things he'll be honest about.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're honest about the little things and proactively so, I know I can trust you on the big things.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's a big green flag for me.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_01: I've been there too.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_01: My husband has told me.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, who's like smelling?
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_01: Take care of that.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_01: I remember this is very, very different.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_01: We had a very early morning.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_01: We are going to church, we are in church, and I am feeling the Lord.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_01: I am praising the Lord.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_01: I am singing my heart out.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_01: And my husband said after service, I don't think you should sing Lena.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, fragrance?
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_00: My my munchkin did that one time where she was in church, and every time she'd sing, I'd be like, whoo.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I need to turn my head and praise over here because I can't do it.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_00: I told her, I'm like, Did you brush your teeth today?
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Yeah.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: You've never done that.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we got a tongue scraper, so we're in a good place.
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_00: A question for Abby.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_00: When someone offers to help, do you accept it automatically or say, nah, I got it?
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, it's a vibe thing.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_01: If it's my husband, by all means, yes.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_01: But it is a vibe thing.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_01: I unfortunately am still surrounded by people that will expect something in return.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I could see.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I do have to be like, oh, thank you, no, thank you.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_01: But I will ask for help.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'll ask for help from people that I know will be there without asking anything in return.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really bad at asking people for help.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_00: She really is.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if I ask for help and I don't immediately get it, I just won't do it again.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I could I see that with my man.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'll ask him and then it'll take him like just a little bit of time to like get going, you know, like up off where he's at or whatever.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm short, I'm like five almost two, so I can't m reach a bunch of stuff.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a wife thing though, no?
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_01: But that being short?
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, like you ask them to do it, and they don't do it like right then and there, and then I'll do it myself.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's these memes of like when I'm with my husband, and then it's like, oh, you know, I'm gonna be you know, I can't do it.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't help.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then when it's like me by myself, it's like fire bursting from behind me just fucking sorting things, you know, like I can handle it, you know, because I don't ask.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_00: I struggle with that asking for help.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_01: But anybody, it's struggles, but it's yeah, and it's oh I guess it's not weird that you're just so quick to give it.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm the help.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm much more willing to give help.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: I would rather do that than ask for help.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's a vulnerability thing.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think when we think about trauma, we think about learning lessons, things that you know we won't do anymore.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_01: So, what is something that you will no longer tolerate?
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I'll ever tolerate another toxic conversational relationship with friend, family member, or partner.
• 50:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, like, we touched on this a little bit, but in my previous relationship with my daughter's dad, he was very toxic.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_00: He had an alcohol addiction, he was narcissistic and some other things, and not talk badly about him because he was a great guy as well.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_00: But there was a lot of conflict, and he did a lot of baiting me into conversations and trying to like validate his choices based on my reactions for things, and I've learned how to deal with that type of conversation, and I think it's so much worse.
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think a lot of people would to you to the original thing that we talked about with how like at work I appear very confident, very put together, very like whatever, in a in a uh romantic or personal relationship, there's l much more vulnerability, and even somebody that's confident and strong could be like taken advantage of and manipulated in that manner.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I wouldn't I will never allow that again.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_00: And shout out to Al Anon, which is probably the best thing I ever did for myself.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to deal with somebody that is an alcoholic and how they communicate and how I need to communicate in response.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_00: They teach you all of that, and I think that's something I'll never tolerate again, and I will always stand up for myself.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_01: Nice, I love that.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, question for Abby forgive or forget, or forgive and remember.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_00: Forgive and remember.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, really?
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, always.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yes.
• 52:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's learning lessons, so if you forgive and forget, it's gonna happen again.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_01: So if you forgive and remember, and I I even think sometimes you forgive and you distance.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you forgive and you remove, and you forgive and I'm gonna not gonna forget that shit.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_01: Forgive and let's keep it pushing.
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_01: Or I'll forgive from a distance.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_01: Forgive and adios.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, very much so.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_01: Go with God, my friend.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, but you remember, I think there's always a learning lesson, and um, I'm not shy of having to ask for forgiveness either.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I think there have been times where I've had to ask for forgiveness.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I think even in my own marriage where I I have had to ask for forgiveness from my husband, I don't expect him to forget.
• 52:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and there are things that I have to take responsibility for and that I've had to do to rebuild um, you know, that trust or that whatever happened in that situation, yes, that foundation.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_01: So very much so, forgive and remember.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think I forgive and forget, and like three times, and then I forgive and remember.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_01: But I I think that's just someone had said this one time, and it's like that's what makes you you.
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I think the the one thing that's very comforting about you, and we have a very random group of friends, or we we have a very random mom group um that she puts together that she invited me to, and it's a very, very different walks of life.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I think um Everybody's kind of weird in their own way, but I love it, you know.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think that's what makes you different, I think that's what sets you apart.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's why people are so quick to open up to you, is because you're not resentful, you're not gonna hold, you're not judgmental, you're not any of those pieces.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I am significantly more critical um than you are, and I don't think it's by choice.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because I feel like I had to grow up and I had to I mean I learned this in therapy that you have to read the room.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to read the room in my family a lot.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: I had to like, is my mom upset?
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_01: Is my dad upset?
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_01: Is there the gonna be an issue?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_01: Is my brother gonna have like uh like what's my brother feeling?
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what's my sister going through?
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I always had to read the room and I'm really great at reading the room, and I think that you just allow people to come into a space and and we feel less guarded, we feel really great because she would get some really interesting, you know, conversations out of people, and she would tell me afterwards, and I'm like, wow, when did they share that?
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I think that's what makes you you.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think you should, I mean, you be more mindful of like people taking advantage of you, but I think that's what makes you you do it with an open heart that I think God will always protect that.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_00: I hope so.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I've had my own fair share of issues, but I will say I I do want to like let people be themselves and be in a comfortable spot and be able to come in and like like let the load off, you know.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not gonna ever be somebody who's like especially with those types of social gatherings, like tight, you know, like let people like be frivolous, and I think especially moms, shout out to the moms group.
• 55:29
  SPEAKER_00: Next week we're meeting up, so I see you for our holiday crafting.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_00: However, I think like everybody wants to be able to go somewhere, let their guard down, and then moms, especially, because we are all so regimented and and all this stuff, we're balancing 10 million things, and we could talk about like you know, the mental load, and we can go through all of that, but we all know what it is, and we know what we carry, and we know all the things that we're balancing, so it's just nice to be able to like let it be.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think maybe that'll be our next topic next week.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk about maybe something about motherhood.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood, motherhood, mental load, the care the weight we carry, how do we remember that it's swim practice, cupcakes next week.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_00: I need to bring the beans for the teacher's pot.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_00: Look, this is really happening on Monday.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have to bring beans.
• 56:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was reminding myself.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we have uh whatever theater practice on Saturday, and then I have a birthday party, and then I keep it all up here and in my planner because I forget stuff.
• 56:37
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, we have to do it all.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have to?
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see.
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean moms always have though.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_00: More to come.
• 56:49
  SPEAKER_00: We'll talk about that next week.
• 56:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here off the clock and on the rocks with having kate.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see you next time.