Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 343. How to Make Friends in your 20s, 30s and Beyond

Transcript

343. How to Make Friends in your 20s, 30s and Beyond · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of Today.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: So this episode I'm very very excited about because it
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: is all about friendships, making friends as an adult, because
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: most of the people that listen to this podcasts podcast
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: are adult or above the age of eighteen or have
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: left high school, and how we're going to go about
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: doing that.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: And there's obviously obvious things that I'm.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Going to be talking about, like specific instances in which
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: you can find in where you can find people and
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: you know, create a bond with somebody, going out if
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: your comfort zone. All of that I will be covering,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: but I'm also going to be covering the mindset of
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: how to be making real fucking friends in adulthood, okay,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: because it is probably one of my most popular questions
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: and it is something that.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Is so fucking crucial that we get to the bottom of.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I don't the amount of listener questions that I get
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: of people talking about situations that they find themselves in
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: that are really unhealthy and make them really sad and
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: really depressed because of their friendship groups. And I think
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: half of the people out there that think they have
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: friends don't actually have friends. The amount of people that
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: you hang out with for old time's sake that treat
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: you like shit. This episode is how to find real
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: fucking friends, quality people that you actually want to spend
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: time with, and also how to ditch cut the fucking
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: dead weight, get rid of those people that are making
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: your life a walking misery. Okay, so we're going to
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: be covering all of that in this episode. I wouldn't
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: be surprised if I need to go into a part two,
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: but let's just see how much we can get covered
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: in this episode. I might even do another episode which
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: is more for Q and A around friendships, but let's
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: just say how we go with this one. I'm not
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: doing a brain fact because there's a lot that I
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: want to get covered. Now. If you guys are listeners
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: of my podcast from day one, you will be like, hey,
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Alexis sounds really fucking similar to what she did in
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: the first like eight months of the podcast. And yes,
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: my husky voice back. I don't know why I used
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: to have such a fucking husky voice because I used
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: to teach group fitness all the fucking time, between twenty
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: and twenty FLF classes a week. I'm just going on
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: a bit of a tangent here. But I'm just explaining
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: this husky voice. And if you go back to my
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: first ever episodes, just for shits and giggles, go back
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: to take a leap of faith and listen to how
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: husky my voice is in comparison to the you know,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: the podcast episodes. As of late, I would strain my
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: vocal cords when I would teach, and that's that I
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: had a mic. I would be teaching a you know,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: a group reformer that'd be twenty reformers, the lights to
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: the music, and I'd have a headset and everything, and
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I would just get so emotionally invested in these classes.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: That I just wouldn't be able to help it.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: But I would just be projecting so loud, not drinking
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: water in the class. And then I created myself like
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: this permanently husky voice. And now it's back, and I'd
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: like I was sick last week, but not even badly,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: like I was pumping the armor force.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: I really stayed on top of it.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: And now all of a sudden, I've lost my voice,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: but I feel on top of the world.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: I feel really good.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: So it's kind of just reminiscent to you know, when
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: the podcast began, and it kind of put me in
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: a great mood because it reminded me of how fun
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: it was when I first started the podcast, and it's
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: kind of sparked an extra excitement for today's episode, because
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: there's nothing more exciting than the early stages of starting
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: something before you know if it's going to be successful
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: or not. So the husky voice just reminds me of
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: that early excitement of the podcast.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: So there we go.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Anyway, let's get straight into the episode of today, Making
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: Friends as Adults. So the first thing that I want
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: you to think about there's many, many, many, many.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: Points that I've got written down here. If you saw
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: my notes, you'd be like, how the fuck does she
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: make sense of that?
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: But the first thing that I want you to realize
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: is pay attention to the friendships that you do have
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: right now. And if you're someone that's like Alexis, I've
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: no fucking friends and this is why I'm listening to
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: this episode, then pay attention to the friendships that you
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: have held in the past. Okay, but let's just take
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: a bit of inventory, and you're going to realize that
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: most of the long term friendships that we have had
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: in our life, the good ones, they're not so good ones,
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: the ones that kind of dried up and never you know,
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: made it past high school. A lot of these friendships
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: have been circumstantial friendships. And it's not to say that
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: you can't develop the best friendship ever out of that,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: but it is to say that the cause of that
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: friendship was purely circumstantial.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: School.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: You were placed in a school at the choice of
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: your parents, based on where you lived, based on all.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: These other factors that caused you to grow up in
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: that area.
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  Speaker 1: And you're placed in a school with these other people,
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: and you just become friends with them, not only because
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: you're in the same location, but you're also forced to
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: be there for six seven hours a day Monday to Friday.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: So you are going to be friends.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, it's kind of hard not to interact with those
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: people around you.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: So that's very circumstantial.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Zero well, I mean, there is effort in maintaining a
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: healthy friendship, but there's zero effort in you know, having
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: to set a time to see this person, prioritize this person.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: There was none of that. You just there was no
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: fucking choice. You're there at high school, whether you like
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: it or not or primary school.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: So that's one. Another one is family friends.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: If your parents were always hanging out and so the
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: kids would always just by default hang out. There's another
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: circumstantial situation, your job at making friends in a job
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: in a workplace, very circumstantial. I'm talking about situations where you,
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: whether you like it or not, are going to be
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: there anyway, so you might as well develop a friendship
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: with these people, and then of course you might find
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: your fucking person and then really invest in that friendship
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: outside of that.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: But what I'm saying is.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: That so many of our friendships, especially when we're young,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: are circumstantial. And people say, oh, it's so easy to
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: make friends when you're younger, Yes, because of the circumstances
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: that you were putting yourself in. It's not that you
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: were just some fucking social butterfly with these elite social
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: skills and then woof, it's all gone in your twenties.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Don't be so hard on yourself. That's not what's happened.
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  Speaker 1: What's happened is the circuitcumstances in your life have changed,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: and the likelihood of you being forced into a place
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: with multiple people day in, day out, day in day out.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Just that goes down the older you get, because you
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: become more independent, you have more responsibilities. So don't look
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: at it as I used to make friends so easily,
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: and now I don't look at it as your environment
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: has allowed for friends to easily develop and then it
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: changed and it's made it a little bit harder for
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: you to make friends and brand new friendships. Okay, so
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: let's look at it that way, because if you look
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: at all your friends, a lot of it is circumstantial.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: That is also why a lot of your friendships die off,
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: taper off, fizzle out after you leave these scenarios.
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  Speaker 2: And again that's not a bad thing. So you might
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: leave high.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: School and be like, well, you know, no one put
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: in the effort or we didn't put in the effort
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: because you were forced forced quote unquote, you had to
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: be there. You may do with the friendships that you
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: had there, and it's not to say that they weren't
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: good enough or whatever. But when you leave that environment,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: for some people it's like, oh, I'm taking my friends
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  Speaker 1: with me.
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  Speaker 2: They are you know. But some people leave that environment
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  Speaker 2: and be like, I don't.
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  Speaker 1: Miss them as much as I thought i'd miss them,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: or I've I've evolved away from that, and I'm you know,
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  Speaker 1: because I'm not in front of them twenty four seven,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: I don't actually feel the need to be, like, to
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: really be continuing to invest in these friendships. And it's
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: not a bad thing. It's not there's no bad blood there.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: But that is what often happens. And that's how to
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: really determine is this friendship evolving with me or was it,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: you know, a friendship for the time and no longer.
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  Speaker 2: Nothing wrong with that.
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  Speaker 1: We've got to look at it as just life and
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: the evolution of situations and life and all of that.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: Okay. So that's why a lot of friendships fizzle out.
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  Speaker 1: When you quit that job, when you leave school, when
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: you leave UNI, when you move out of that house,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: you still always hang out with your housemates. You move
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: out and you never see them again, that kind of thing.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Okay. So you've got to realize circumstances.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Are really the cause or the reason for a lot
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: of friendships even happening in the first place.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So that's number one. Now to look at how
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: many of my friendships right now.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Have occurred because I have met this person once and
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: I have followed up to see this person. So I've
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: gone out of my way or they have followed up
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: with me, and they have gone out of their way
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: to reach out to me and say, let's pick a
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: time outside of our normal scheduling, so not at work,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: not at school, not at uni, not because we live together,
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  Speaker 1: and let's hang out, let's catch up, let's go grab
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: a drink, let's go for a walk, like, let's whatever
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: the fuck it is.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: Okay. How many friendships.
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  Speaker 1: Can you say have developed in that way? And for
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: a lot of people it's not many, not many at all,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: But and for some ill be heaps because there's some
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: people that just have that embedded in them. But I
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: want you to realize that this is the kind of
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: friendship that we need to be focusing on. When you're
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: trying to make friends as adults, this fucking friendship.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: You are being more honorable.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: But the beauty of this kind of friendship is that
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: if the person is receptive to hang out with you,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: it means that they it was reciprocal.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: The flame and.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about a friendship flame, not romantically, but the
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: flame that was ignited when you met.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: There was a vibe there. If you reach out to
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: them and invite them, or if they invite you and.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: You're like, oh yeah, fuck yeah, then you agree to
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: meet up.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: So instantly, you know we both vibe each other.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: It's not because we're both at work and we kind
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: of have to be then, so we're talking because it's circumstantial.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm being vulnerable by inviting this person, but
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: it's reciprocated. Now we're going to go out. Now we're
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: going to hang out. We're going to really get to
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: know each other. But it requires effort on both ends.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: Hanging out with someone at my job requires zero effort.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Hanging out with someone at school requires zero effort. Adult
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: friendships require effort on both ends in order to maintain
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: those friendships.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: Okay, so that.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Is the biggest thing that we have to wrap our
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: head around because most of our other friendships required zero
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: fucking effort. Okay, even if you're like, oh, yeah, but
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: I used to hang out with my friends outside of school,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: you had no fucking responsibilities. You're at school, you're a kid.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: That doesn't count. I'm talking about as an adult. Okay,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: So now that we're starting to see the difference in friendships,
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: we've got to approach friendships differently.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: Now I'm going to give you before I.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Go into all the other shit that I'm going to
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: talk about, I want to give you a little rundown.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I picked four examples of friendships that I have made
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: that are not your typical way of making friends with
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: people that are still my friends and there for several years.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: So one of them this person, So the first one,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: his name is Mark. This guy Mark is a great
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: friend of mine and he's been a friend of mine
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: since I was nineteen, so that.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: Would make it sixteen years. Okay.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: So I used to work at a bar in Brisbane
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: and this guy Mark and his friends would come into
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: the bar and would they would always just have their
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: work drinks there, like at lunchtime or after work in
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: the evening. So I would just meet him like customer
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: bartender kind relationship. And then one day I had just
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: been dumped and I went outside and I was having
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: a cigarette and he was like, oh, I didn't know
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: you smoked. That was the first like proper conversation we
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: had outside of me being behind the bar, and I
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: was like, yeah, well I just got dumped anyway, So
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: we just started this conversation and then from there we
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: just started having deeper conversations. Every time I'd come into work,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: He'd ask more about my life, I'd ask about his life,
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: And then before we knew it, it kind of just
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: evolved into I'd be in the we exchange numbers. And
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: this was not romantic at all, by the way, it
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: never has been. We exchanged numbers, and then he'd be like, Hey,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I'm in the city, let's grab a coffee whatever. He
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: would talk to me about his like romantic interests. I
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: would try and help set him up with other people
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: and anyway, So it just turned into this friendship. And
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: then one day at my twenty first birthday, Mark walks
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: in with some people that worked at the bar as well.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: And my mom was like, I'm just trying to place everyone.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: How do I know you?
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: And Mark was like, Oh, I'm just one of those
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: people that Alexis has just scooped up along the way.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: And my Mom's like, that's so funny because that's such
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: a realistic portrayal of you. Like I would just kind
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: of collect friends along the way as I'd go and
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: see if they wanted to be my friend, you know,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: And I'm sure that there's many people that I tried
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: to be friends with that didn't reciprocate.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: But it's just not on my radar. I just didn't
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: let it.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: I just I don't think I ever really let it
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: affect me in a way that I'm like, oh my god.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I just thought, oh yeah, this person not into it whatever.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: But so that's him. And every time I go back
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: to Brisbane, well maybe not every time, but I try
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: my best. When I go up to meet up with him,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: we got and have a stake together and we just
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: catch up on our life. And this was one of
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: those friendships that evolved because he was a customer at
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: a bar that.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: I worked at. The Next one is my friend Shay.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: I've already spoken about this one thousand times, but I'll
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: quickly summarize it. When I was living in Paris, had
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: no friends. I was at a bar. I'd lost the
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: people that I did. Go to this bar we threw
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: a friend of a friend couldn't find them. Was dancing
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: on a couch and bump into this girl, Shay, who's
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: my Parisian friend. We turned around and I'm like, oh
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: my god, sorry o haha, and we're laughing, we're talking.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: She's like, who are you with and I was like, oh, no,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I can't find them.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: She's like, come sit with us.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: We sat down, we started talking, catching up on who
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: we were while her English was so good, we explained.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: We exchanged the numbers, and then I texted her the
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: next day saying, hey, you invited me to brunch.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: Is brunch still on? She's like, absolutely, it's still on.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: We met up and then it's just that first meet
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: up when you meet up the second That next time,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: it was like bang bang man. Conversation was flowing. We
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: just had the same kind of energy we've been friends.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: That was in twenty and sixteen. Okay, so that's eight years.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I just came back from Paris. I spent so much
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: time hanging out with Shay. She's like a fucking she's
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: my Parisian sister. Another one, I was at a bar
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: in my building and I was having drinks with Tyrone
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: and there was this woman there and she was having
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: drinks with this well, she was having a drink with
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: this guy that also lives in the building. So we
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: started speaking to the guy and she and he introduced
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: us to her and she's like, oh, I've just moved
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: into the building. My name's Kaya, and so we're chatting,
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: and then as I'm about to leave, KaiA says to me, Hey,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: we're neighbors. I'll just grab your number. Why don't we
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: catch up? And I'm like, fucking obsessed with you right now.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, yeah, one hundred percent. So we exchanged numbers.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: Then she follows up, She's like, Hey, I've got a
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: little group chat of neighbors that I've met in the building.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: So we've got this WhatsApp group called Wharfies. And she
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: invited me to this dinner with five other women that
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: live in the building, and we just all caught up
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: for a dinner and now we regularly catch up one
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: on one or as a group. So and then the
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: last one that I'm gonna mention as an example is
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: one of my friends Ash.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: She's been on the podcast before, a boxing coach.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: We met on a yacht party and I'm like, this
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: girl's a fucking legend, and we just really vibed of
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: each other and we're like, let's get drinks next week,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: and we did. We followed through, we got fucking drinks
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: and we've been friends for the last that's probably seven
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: five years ago.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: Maybe. So all these encounters.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Have to do with you having an encounter with somebody
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: and not letting it slip by not letting it slip
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: past you. Okay, Now I'm going to give you examples
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: because you're probably thinking, yeah, but Alexis, you're very social,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: you're very out there, you're very true true. So I'm
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: going to give you other examples of ways that you
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: can still make this work even if you're not someone
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: who's constantly going to this event, that event, socializing here that,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: because not everyone is that kind of person. Okay, So,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: but before we get into that, I want to talk
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: about where the bar is set, how you set the
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: bar for your friendships at the moment. Okay, because I
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: really want each and every one of you, and some
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: of you this might not apply to, but I really
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: want each and every one of you to stop setting
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: the bar so fucking low for your friendships.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: One of the reasons why.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: It's difficult to make friends as an adult is because
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: of what we believe we are deserving off in a friendship. Okay,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: now you've heard me answer many, many, many listener questions
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: on Head Noise episodes about really unhealthy friendship groups, unhealthy
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: relationships and people saying you know.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: For example, I would.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: Just summarize one story somebody thought. Someone writes in and says, oh, yeah,
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: one of my friends we've been We live in a
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: small town, and I've been friends with this group of
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: girls since high school.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: We're now in our early twenties.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: And one of them thought that I said something wrong
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: when I actually didn't say it, and then it.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: Spread through the group, and then they're not talking to me.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: And then I saw them in the shopping center and
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: I tried to say hi, and she actually ignored me.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: How do I get back into the friendship group? I'm like,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: a we fucking are we am? I looking at the
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: same story that you're fucking telling me. The amount of
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: people that will be stomped on walked on by their
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: friends who value gossip more than they value you is astounding.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: The amount of people that think they have to maintain
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: friendships from high school where they have more anxiety than joy.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: They derive more anxiety from those friendships friendships quite un
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: quite I'm tentatively calling it a friendship relationship, let's call it.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: They derive more anxiety from that relationship than they do happiness. Fulfillment, security, joy, excitement, right,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: But they think that they have to hold onto it
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: because they're like, yeah, but if I don't have these friends,
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I've got no friends.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: Well I'm sorry, but I think that's your first step.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Your first fucking.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Step is to set a minimum standard into how you
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: will be treated. Okay, you cannot expect high treatment from
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: somebody and accept garbage from somebody else. There has to
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: be a minimum standard across the board. When you determine
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: what that minimum standard is across the board, you'll be
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: surprised at how much easier it is to be selective
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: with the people that you want to spend time with,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: and how much easier it is to welcome in new
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: relationships into your life.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: Relationship that you never thought that you'd vibe off this.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: Person, or you never really thought to look in that
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: place where you never really thought to invest time in
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: this if you think of it.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: I've got my.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: Friendship group and it's a bunch of people that treat
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: me like absolute shit, that gossip that you know, one
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: day I'm in their good books, the next day I'm not.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: They boss me around this day.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: That you have a very fucking warped idea of what
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: a friendship is.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: And I feel really really it hurts me.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I get angry, genuinely, like like, what do you call it?
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: Vicarious anger?
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: I feel for my listeners who are in this position
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: because there's so much better shit out there for you,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: and here you are accepting garbage because it might be
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: all you know as far as friendships go, this need
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: to maintain a friendship that existed in high school into
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: your adulthood when they're still acting like as if they're.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: Still in high school.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: That needs to end today today. And how do you
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: end those friendships? You don't even have to do a
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: big song and dance about it. You don't even have
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: to make an announcement stop engaging. If my friends ever said,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: oh my god, can you believe Alexis said this to
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Lucy and without actually talking to me about it, being like,
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: hey babe, did you fucking say this? Like we're just
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: the kind of friendship that we'd be like, oh my god,
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: did you actually say that? And we call each other
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: out left, right, and center on things. But if someone
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: was behind my back saying that, and then I'm walking
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: through the shopping center and live kind of makes our
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: contact with him and then looks away.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, baby, you're fucking well, like, what what
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: are you doing?
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: And if they were dead serious about it, I'd be like, peace,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: fucking peace and blessings. I'm not wasting my time with
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: this shit, okay, because I mean, it's just so unrealistic
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: because we're very adult in our friendship, so it wouldn't happen.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: But if that was to happen, I just would not
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: give it the time of day.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't be trying to be like, but what happened?
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: What happened? What happened?
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: If I know their behavior and they're really bitchy and
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: they're just not nice people, why.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: Am I bothering?
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: Every time you try and convince someone that you're good
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: enough to hang out with, you are telling yourself you're
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: not good enough to be by yourself, be on your own,
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: or try and seek healthier relationships.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: So it's like the scale starts.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Tipping more and more and more. I've got to beg
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: this person. I've got to get them to see it.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: How do I get them to see that I'm actually How.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: Do I no?
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: No, Because someone who genuinely doesn't want to have a
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: conversation or listen to you, or they want to speak
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: behind your back. They have no interest in the friendship.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: They have an interest in a power dynamic, and a
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: lot of quote unquote friendships is more so a power
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: dynamic where there's one person at the helm and then
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: the minions around that person, and the minions find their
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: validation by being the favorite.
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: This is very high school what I'm talking about, but
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: it exists in people in the early twenties friendships, especially
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: for women, and then the person who's at the helm
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: finds their validation by having people need them, so they
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: have to play this game where I'm like, you're going
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: to be my favorite at the moment, then I'm going
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: to pit you against each other, so I'm always in a.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: Position of power. Okay, That's how it operates.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: And it's really fucking unhealthy, and I urge you to
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: exit those situations as quickly as possible. And my answer
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: to you is would I rather you be alone? Absolutely yes,
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: because when you are alone, when you have cut the
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: fucking dead weight, okay, toxic lemons, the soggy lemons, that's
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: when you're able to be like, Okay, what is it
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: that I really actually want?
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: What kind of friendships. Do I really want? What do
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: I value in a friendship?
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: And then you can really start to think, do I
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: want someone that I can cook dinners with? Do I
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: want someone that I can go out until five o'clock
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: in the morning with?
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: Do I want someone who is my fucking I don't
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: need a thousand friends.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: I need a best friend who I can call and vent,
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: but then also try and find a solution where they
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: can vent to me, where I can hold their secrets,
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: where they can hold mine, they have my back, that
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: they also pull me up on my fucking shit when
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I'm being irrational, Where I can pull them up and
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: they're receptive to it. Where we have fun together, we
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: have where we can just look at each other and
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: know what the other person is thinking about.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: That to me sounds like a fucking good friendship.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, So you paint the picture of what you want
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: your friendship to look like. Okay, someone who doesn't make
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: me feel bad because I haven't touched base with them
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: for a couple of days because they know I've been busy.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: But then when we.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: Do see each other, it's on You know, what is
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: it that you really value in a friendship? And write
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: the list. Write your list and get clear on what
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: you want. And if your current relationships are not reflecting that,
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, why is that? How have I allowed it?
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Has this friendship run its course?
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: Why? So?
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: Now let's get into finding your people. How are you
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: going to go out there and find your people? So
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: we've already established that finding your people requires effort, whereas
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: in the past a lot of your friendships or a
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: lot of your existing friendships did not require effort, as in,
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: I need to put myself out on a fucking limb.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: It also requires vulnerability, okay, and it requires a level
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: of confidence. So all of these three things. Effort, vulnerability, confidence.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Instantly people are like that, how and what?
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: But how?
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: What you need to do is you've got to look
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: for openings, look for bids of connection between humans.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: And they are everywhere.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: They are everywhere, okay, And when you start to look
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: for them, you'll be overwhelmed at how easily it is.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: To access these bids for connection.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: Now, I've spoken about bids for connection when it comes
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: to romantic relationships, and in romantic relationships, a bid for
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: connection is where a partner says, oh my god, what
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: a beautiful day is in this such a beautiful day,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: and that allows the other partner to either lean in
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: or lean away, and the other partner will be like, fuck,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: it's an amazing day, Yeah, you're right, or ignore, be
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: on their phone whatever. So a bid for connection is
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: basically just throwing the bait and seeing if someone will
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: pick it up.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: A really good example of a bid for connection is.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: When you see drunk women in the women's bathrooms and
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: you'll all become friends over lending some we're not lending,
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: ideally gifting someone a tampon, so we all are. We
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: start talking, Oh oh my god, I'm going to text him back,
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: and someone else screams, no, you're not.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: So instantly you see these this bid for connection and
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: people responding really positively. So I've many, many times had
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: great conversations with people in the in the women's bathroom,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: at a bar, at a.
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: Club, whatever.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: So already you start to see I actually do have
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: interactions with people outside of you know, my normal network,
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: and I am chatting to these people and I am whatever.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: So are the places that you can have bids of
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: connection are at the gym where you go and if
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: you're like, oh no, but I go to a gym
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: where I just go and do my own work out
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: on whatever.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: Okay, can you go to.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: A class setup where partner workouts are part of it,
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: you know, where you have to partner up with somebody.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: That's a great way to get to know somebody.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I've exchanged many Instagram accounts with people that I've had
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: to partner up with at the gym because we've been
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: chatting and oh, so.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: What you do? Whatever? What you know? Where do you leave?
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: How long have you come here for?
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Just opening questions that you get to know someone and
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: you'll see if they're receptive or not. So sometimes you'll
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: you know, you'll talk to somebody and they'll be like
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: one word answers, one word answers, it is kay. You're
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: not going to be like, hey, do you want to
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: have lunch with someone who's absolutely shut you down.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying do that.
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: But if you start chatting with someone and they're receptive
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: and they're asking you questions back to say, hey, can
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: I grab your Instagram?
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: We live in the same suburb.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: Maybe we'll catch up one day for a coffee, maybe,
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: you know, if you're around for a drink whatever, And
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: if that person's like, oh, then don't chase it up.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: Obviously they're just not into it.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: But if somebody you know, like, it's happened to me
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: where that's happened in the past, and I've been completely
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: receptive to it and it's been great. Okay, So the gym, obviously,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: you could meet someone just through an interaction. A mutual
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: friend is a great way to meet somebody, and you've
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: got to lean into these connections.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: So kind of like.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: How I met that girl at the bar because we
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: knew a neighbor in the building and he just introduced
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: us by name. I didn't even know him that well, right,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: but you just gave the name. We chatted for a bit,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: oh we live in the same building, and then she's like,
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: I'll just grab your number and then we can whatever.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: I was at a nail salon once and.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: I started going into this in depth conversation with a
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: woman and then then she was somewhere else on the
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: other end of the salon I was, and as she
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: was leaving, she was like, do you mind if I
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: grab your number because maybe we could catch up sometime whatever. Look,
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: it never came to fruition because I didn't have her number.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: She never ended up messaging there, but I'm like, that
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: is a perfect example. I've had conversations with people at
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: the nail salon because they've overheard something that I was
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: saying to my friend. They started laughing, and then we
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: lean in, and then before we know we're talking about
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: her breakup. So find bids for connection everywhere. They are everywhere.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: And I'm not saying this is a this is an
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: exercise that you can do.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: You don't have to think, right, I'm gonna smile at
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: somebody and then I've got to ask for their number.
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: They're gonna think I'm hitting on them.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: No, So to start with, before saying, let's can I
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: have your Instagram?
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: Can?
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: I want you to just practice leaning into bids for
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: connection with people that you think could be a friend.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Don't. Actually, you don't have to go any further than that.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: Just if someone cracks a joke at a nail salon,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: eye contact and laugh. If someone's at the gym and says,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: hey whatever, say to them, hey, how.
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: Long have you been coming here for? One question? You know?
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: So start to lean in, start to reach out, start
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: to put the feelers out and see what it feels like.
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: To just reach in.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: You're gonna accept bids for connection, and you're going to
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: give bids for connection. You're gonna ask a question, you're
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: gonna crack a joke, You're gonna.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Eye contact and smile. Okay.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: The next thing that I want you to think about
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: is make sure that you are casting that net wide
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: in the sense of don't put all your eggs in
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: one basket and be like, oh, this wasn't gonna call
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: this no, no, no. Just start to interact with more
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: and more people. Interact with people, and you can still
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: do it in circumstantial situations. Interact with people at your work,
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: Interact with your friends of your friends, Interact with you know,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: a mutual acquaintance, that neighbor. Here's another I once was
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: going out for drinks with a neighbor because we realize
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: that we live right next door to each other and
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: we're always catching the same elevator. We're like, let's can
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: go out for some drinks. Do you know how easy
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: this this happened because I would always be in the
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: same elevator with this chick. She's like, oh, we live
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: next door to each other, and I was like, yeah, cool,
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: I've seen you around whatever.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: So we asked each other's names, whatever.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: Then she wrote a note to me saying, hey, this
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: is my number. We should catch up for a drink.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Slid it under my door. Then I texted, being like, hey,
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: let's fucking get a drink this week, and then we
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: did Okay, this is not this is the fifth example. Okay,
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: so that shit. You'll be surprised at how receptive people are.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: But there aren't that many people in the scheme of
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: you know, interactions that reach out that willingly. Okay, But
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: when someone reaches out that willingly to you, it's really cool.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: It feels really nice.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: So not only do you have to think, Okay, I'm
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: going to reach out just because they haven't reached out
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: to me, it doesn't mean I can't.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Reach out to them.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: I think we think, oh, well, if they wanted to,
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: they would have said something no, because they're in the
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: same position as you. A lot of the time people
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: find themselves in the same position as you. So all
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: you have to do is just turn it around and
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: be like, I'll reach out. I'll put the note under
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: the door, I'll say hey, what's your seen you in
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: this building? Or hey, we work in the same office.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Building or whatever, like, there's so many. If your gym
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: is having like, oh, a catch up at the end
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: of the month, we're having drinks, go to the drinks,
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: go to the fucking thing, and if you hate it,
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: you leave.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: But you have to.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: It's a numbers game. Everything in life is a numbers game.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: Not to look at it coldly or whatever, but it is.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: So put yourself in these situations and then when it
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: feels right, offer a bit for connection. Don't offer a
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: bit for connection to someone who's like this person's a
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: fucking boy. If I ever had to hang out with him,
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: I'd fucking lose the plot. No, don't then reach out
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: and be like, want to be my best prid deal
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: with people that you're vibing off.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: I also want you to have a what have I
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: got to lose? Mentality.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: We think that everything is going to revolve around this
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: embarrassing or vulnerable position that we put ourselves in, and
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: we will torture ourselves if we got rejected or but
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: you've got to change it and think what have I
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: got to lose? Genuinely, And the answer is, especially when
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: it comes to reaching out and offering a bit, the
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: answer is nothing.
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: You've lost nothing.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: You might have a moment of awkwardness or whatever, but
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: that you haven't lost anything. You're still alive, you still
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: have your fucking like you're fine, right. So a lot
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: of the time you want to approach this with what
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: do I actually have to lose?
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: Mentality?
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not giving anything of myself away that's there to
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: be taken that I then can't get back. I'm just
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: offering something new and if it is accepted, great. If
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: it's not great, then I want you to think, how
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: can I lean into things that I really enjoy? So
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: I'm more likely to find people on a similar wavelength.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: So let's say, Okay, I've exhausted the gym, I've exhausted
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: my work, I've exhausted school, unied no, no, no, no, no, no, it's.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Not I'm just not getting it there. Okay, Now, let's
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: look at things that I could.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: Engage in that I enjoy doing. Do I like doing
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: arty things? Can I join a run club?
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: Brand?
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: Clubs a fucking popping off at the moment and I'm
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: at least in Australia and I'm loving it, Like every
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: second business, fashion, label, store, gym, everyone's got a fucking
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: run club and I can't.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: It's the best. Okay, so join a free run club.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: It costs nothing.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: There's one you can join. There's co working spaces where
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: you sit in communal table. So if you work from home,
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: maybe you could do one day at a co working
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: space where you're more likely to engage with people.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: That's another option.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: You could do a pottery class where you're kind of
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: all sitting around and you're interacting with people. There's another option.
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: There's so many short courses where you have to interact.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Language classes in person. You go to the Alliance Francais,
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: you go to different places, you sit and you have
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: to have conversational little exercises with people that this is
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: how you meet people. You have to be willing to
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: put yourself out there. You have to be willing to
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: cast the net wide. You have to have a mentality
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: of what have I got to lose? And you have
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: to have a minimum standard being like I'm actually going
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: to go in search of my people instead of accepting
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: what's just been laid out in front of me due
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: to my circumstances. Okay, I've got to put in the
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: effort because if you look at my friendships now, yes, Okay,
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: the Goals that I'm closest with are the Red Bull
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: girls and we there's you know, eleven of us, and
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: we worked together. But that friendship has required from every
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: single person a lot of efforts, a lot of effort
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: to maintain. Not oh, this is a slog like effort
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: that we love, but effort like is required. I've got
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: to take time out. I've got a really priority these people.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: I've got a you know, many of the goals that
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: lived overseas for years, what we barely spoke to them
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: in our early twenties straight after Red Bull, but then
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: came back and put in effort to integrate themselves back
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: into the.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: Group, you know.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: So it's I think it's really important to look at
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: the different kind of effort that you're going to have
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: to invest, but what you're going to.
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: Get back, because it's a lot that you're going to
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: get back. Okay, Now, if you're.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: Still like I just now, I've tried it, I don't know.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: People are friendly, but then I don't know how to
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: You've got to realize that true friendships take months, years,
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: but let's call it months to develop into like a
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: real proper friendship. Okay, so it's not possible to really
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: learn someone's real character, real character until a few months
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: in kind of like I was talking to Matthew Hussey.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: I was interviewing Matthew Hussey on the podcast and he
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: was talking about how you can't really fall in love
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: with someone properly until you know their character. The same
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: goes for friendships, and that takes months to learn. Yes,
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: you can definitely vibe if someone's your person or not
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: one hundred percent, but you could hang out with someone
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: being like, yeah, we vibe, but I don't know. You
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: can't know of one session of one hanging out if
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: it was a positive interaction. Lean in and keep you know,
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: you might not have the banta that you have with
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: another best friend of yours because you've got to give
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: it time. You've got to let that person get comfortable
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: in your presence. You have to feel comfortable in that
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: person's presence, and that requires time and effort and consistency
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: and showing up for that person. What if you were
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: to say to this person, hey, I've noticed you've you know,
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: maybe you've hung out two or three times, and then
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: you say.
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: I've noticed you've been really busy. I was thinking about.
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: Dropping you off some extra I cooked and I was
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: thinking about dropping you off some extra food, even if
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: they don't need it. Just that gesture shows, oh my god,
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: this person's like a great, caring, considerate person to have
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: in my life, Like, that's really cool.
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: That they've offered that. Like little things like that.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: It's these little gestures that you can do for people
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: around you that go from being an acquaintance to being
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: a friendship. Another thing to think about is think about
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: how many acquaintances you have right now that you've not
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: invested anything into said, they've never gone past the acquaintance stage.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: But then if you think, if I really invested into this,
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: what could this friendship look like? And it could look
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: like a whole bunch of fucking amazing things. But it
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: requires effort and investment, and we as humans are not
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: used to that because we look at that as what
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: we do for dating, but we don't look at that
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: as what we do for friendships because we're so used
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: to circumstantial friendships.
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: We just have friends in the circumstances that we're in life.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: Without having to seek it out and put in the
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: effort and invest and be vulnerable and be confident. Everything
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: that you do in dating, you should be applying to
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: friendships as well, Okay, because you have to look at
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: it as what have I got to lose?
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: Not fucking much.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: But if I don't put myself out there and I
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: don't reach out, then I do have a lot to lose.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: When I was in Paris just a few months ago,
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: I had a bean meet up, which I already spoke
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: about on the podcast is fucking unreal. One of the
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: goals is like, I'm you know, one of my main
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: things being here is struggling.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: To find friends.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: And then other goals and myself in the group were like, well,
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: here's the prime opportunity to make friends.
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: We've got a group of like twelve of.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: Us right here now, and we can just be inviting
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: each other out and hanging out and you know, doing
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: things and going to markets and going out for drinks
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: or going for runs or walks or whatever.
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: There's just so much opportunity in my Facebook group.
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: As an example, if the amount of people that have
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: reached out on my Facebook group and said, hey, does
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: anyone live in the city love, and then I've seen
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: photos of them going up for dinner, going up for
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: drinks one hundred percent. You might go out for drinks
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: to someone that you met on the Facebook group being like, oh,
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: they were lovely, but maybe, you know, maybe we're not
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: going to have a friendship out of it.
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: But they were great.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: But then there's going to be people that you meet
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: where it's like, oh, my fucking god. After my live show,
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: I went out for drinks with my sister and my
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: cousins and we went to this pub and we met
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: a bunch of beans who had actually come to the
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: live show as individuals, but on the Facebook group they said,
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: let's all meet up prior because we don't have no
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: one else to go with, so let's all meet up.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: So they met up as a group and then they,
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: After the life show, decided let's go out for drinks
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: and they were playing pool after they had some drinks
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: after and they forged a friendship. And so this stuff,
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: when you put yourself out there, you'll be amazed at
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: what comes back. You get back what you give, and
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: that goes with everything, especially energy, especially energy. And the
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: reason I say this is because when you interact with people,
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: you instantly know who is receptive and who is shut off. Okay,
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: so when I'm interacting, like with that girl that I
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: met at the bar within my building, when I was
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: chatting with her, instantly open, warm, asked me questions about myself, relaxed,
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: and then when I was leaving, she's like, oh, grab
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: your number.
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: Chilled, not hey, fucking can I fucking I'm really intense, you.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: Know, chilled, receptive, and I'm like instantly invited in instantly.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: How many times do you think someone has just thought
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go there just because I don't think
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: they're receptive.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: It's got nothing to do with people liking you or
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: not liking you. I don't.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: We sometimes don't realize how shut off we are. And
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: a good way to realize if you're shut off or
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: if you're not is to ask yourself, would I invite
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: this person out? And if your answer is, god, I
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: could never, I would never. You're probably shut off. You've
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: probably got this energy of like, I'm lovely, but never
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: thank you, do not fucking don't approach me, don't fucking
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: just don't. And people read that and you know straight away,
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: if you're talking to someone and they're just polite and
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: lovely but just not really open, they're not it's not
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: a tennis match of throw and catch off conversation.
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: It's like you throw the ball that drops, you throw
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: the ballet drops. You're not gonna be asking this person out,
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: So you need to.
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: Ask yourself, am I receptive in a way that I
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: perceive receptive in other people? Because it's very easy to
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: see it in someone else. If someone receptive or not
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: very easy, are you that? Because that's a very easy
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: thing to turn around. You don't have to become an
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: extrovert overnight. You just have to be aware of bids
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: for connection and lean in.
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: That's being receptive. That's it.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you don't even realize that something's a bid for
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: connection because you've never been open to it.
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: But now you are. Now you're going to start to
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: look for the little details.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Now, if someone makes eye contact with you and smiles,
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: you're just going to return the favor and do the
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: same thing. Or you could go the other mile and say,
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: you've got such a great smile.
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: You made my day. But if you don't want to
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: just return the smile.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: If someone cracks a joke nearby, laugh out loud, if
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: you found it funny, and that might be a bid
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: for connection and they don't even know it. I've had
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: conversations with people just because they've laughed at a joke
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: of mine that I was telling to a friend, and
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: then I've just brought them into the conversation. You'll be
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: amazed at how easy it is to start talking to
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: people just just by leaning into these bids for connection.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: The amount of people that I've seen forged friendships. When
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: I used to teach pilates, they would just be going
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: to the same polarities class, and they'd go to the
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: same one again and again and again, and then I'd
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: see them rocking up together and leaving them having a
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: coffee together because they're just becoming to the same reformer class.
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: So are you receptive? Can you lean in?
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: If you've got no idea where to start and you
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: don't want to take a pottery class or do a
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: short course or do this, check out my Facebook page
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: and ask for you know who wants to hang out.
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: There are the facebook pages as well. Surely I'm not
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: the only podcast that you listen to. Go to a
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: run club, go to a walk club. Go You have
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: to be willing to put yourself out there more than
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: you are right now. Okay, and put yourself out there
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: in a way where you're going to get these little grabs.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: Then you'll be able to easily ease into once you're
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: already chatting with someone, easily ease into questions, more personal questions,
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: and then asking for their Instagram, for their phone number
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: and all of that.
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: But you will be amazed.
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: At how receptive people are when you put yourself out there,
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: Because how badly do you want someone who's really fun
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: and engaging to ask you out to catch up for
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: some drinks or catch up for a coffee or go
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: for a morning walk. You'd love that. We would all
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: love that. Okay, so why don't you do that for
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: someone else? And in turn, you're doing yourself a favor
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: at the same time. Okay, now I have a favor
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: to ask of you, guys, and that is if you
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: listened to this episode and you're like, you know what,
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: that's me. I need to put myself out there a
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: little bit more. I've got so much, fucking I've got
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: so much to offer as a friendship. The friendship groups
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: I'm in right now, or the lack of friendship groups
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: that I have right now, it's just not doing it
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: for me. I need real fucking adult friends. I need
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: my people. If you are that person, please just write
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: on the Facebook group and say, hey, listen to this episode.
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: And I'm actually going to put myself out there. I've
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: seen people reach out and ask to hang out, and
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: I've never commented on those posts because I thought, oh no,
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: not really. But I am going to this time, I
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: am going to meet someone. I am going to start
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: reaching out.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: And catching up with people.
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: And it's it's a numbers game, catch up, catch and
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: the more you start catching up with people, the easier
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: it is for you to.
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: Wind down, feel relaxed, be social.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: Not every interaction is going to be this seamless epic thing,
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: but no interaction is going to be awful because you
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: have control over the situation. If you're like, I'm not
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: feeling it great, We've had one coffee, amazing, leave and
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: I'm probably not going to invite this person out for
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: a coffee again.
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: No bad blood.
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: It is what it is, okay, but none of it's
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: going to be bad at all. It's either going to
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: be okay, great or unbelievable. And you just found your
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: post and you just found your friend. Okay, so change
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: your mentality raise the bar for what your minimum standard is.
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: If you currently have unhealthy friendships, you need to cut
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: them loose, cut the dead weight today, okay, and you
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: need to start to change what you believe that you
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: are deserving off when it comes to friendships, because there's
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: a whole world out there of really positive relationships where
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: people have your back, where it's oh, like, I look
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: at the friendships that I have now, and it's very
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: different to the friendships I had in my early twenties. Okay,
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: And that's the kind of friendship that you want to
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: have as an adult, Like really solid, solid friendships where
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: you support each other but you also have a lot
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: of fucking fun, but you also counsel each other.
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: It's just that's that's what's available for you.
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: But you just have to approach it differently to how
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: you've approached other friendships in the past, because it's outreach
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: this time.
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: But yeah, good times. I think it's exciting. I think
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: there's so much potential.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: There's wait, I think I did have a Okay.
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: Book clubs is another one. I just wrote down a
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: bunch of bunch of things.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: You could do if you've if you've got the extra
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: cash lying around you could do a little like tour
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: to Southeast Asia. You could do like little you know,
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: chat to people, buy the pool at a fucking resort.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: I don't know. Here's another one.
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: I was with my friend Lucy and we were in
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: Bali and Lucy, I can't remember what it was that
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: we were talking about, but we were laughing about something
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: and these other girls from Melbourne they were there and
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: they started laughing as well, and we turned. With long
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: story short, we spent the next like four hours talking
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: to these girls, drinking whatever.
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: I've got their instagrams.
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: I still comment on their stuff, like that's the kind
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: of shit that you can be doing. So that's what
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: I mean. Because I had a note saying chat to
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: people by the pool. I'm like, what pool am I
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: talking about? Talk to people in the sauna. I chat
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: to people in the sauna all the time.
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: Not all the time, but often.
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: So it depends, like if the sauna's chatty and whatever,
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: then you lean in and you have conversations and you
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: chat about it. You involve yourself in a conversation, just
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: chime in.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: So there's heaps, heaps, heaps heaps, but yeah, painting class
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: pottery class.
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: Um, yeah, I don't know.
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: I feel like we could also have a little section
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: in I'm going to do a little question box and
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: I'll share it on my Instagram of other suggestions where
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: you can also meet friends. But yeah, that's the episode
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: for today, guys. Thank you so much for tuning in,
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to today's episode. I'm really excited
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: for you guys to start forging some healthy adult friendships
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: that are going to absolutely transform your life, transform your mood, friends,
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: fucking everything. So let's make some good friends.
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: Love you guys so much.
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: As always, remember becind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: from yourself.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: Dunk it.