Latest / Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk / Tracer Rounds Welcomes Veteran Farron Dozier

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Tracer Rounds Welcomes Veteran Farron Dozier · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

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MBR giving veterans a voice. And welcome back to the Tracer
1:09
Rounds show. And I'm Terry, your host, and
1:11
you're on military broadcast radio where we're giving
1:13
veterans a voice. And tonight's voice is to Faran
1:16
Dozer. And I am so happy to have you on
1:20
tonight because you are really an OG around here, I think.
1:26
I feel like a grandfather in this podcast world.
1:28
For real though. You've been around quite a
1:31
while, I don't know how many years exactly, but.
1:33
I know 16. 16, you're a staple around here for sure.
1:38
Yeah, Well, welcome. We're so excited to have you on
1:40
the show tonight. Thank you for this opportunity
1:42
to be on your show tonight. Thank you so much, Terry.
1:45
Yeah, I I know that a lot of people know about you and what
1:49
you do now Nowadays, you know what you're doing now.
1:52
But who was Faron when you were a young kid and why did you
1:56
decide to join the Army and how did that work out for you?
1:59
I mean, how old were you and and why was it the Army instead of
2:03
another branch? Well, again, thank you who Faron
2:08
was as a child looking back to articulate to you today.
2:12
I was lost. I was a very emotional child and
2:17
didn't realize that that was like my identity.
2:21
I made friends through sports in the neighborhood.
2:26
So that basketball identity came in early.
2:29
That's how, you know, changing schools and then, you know,
2:33
walking on the campus and it's like, I don't know anybody, but
2:36
you see a group of guys on the basketball court.
2:38
So you're like, OK, I'm going to I'm going to go over there and,
2:40
and, and make friends. And so that's that's that's who
2:43
I was just this young quiet. They shy.
2:47
I was told that I was a shy child, but it made sense after,
2:51
you know, like I said, I can articulate today of how I became
2:55
so shy. And then as far as running the
2:57
military, my Uncle Kelly was in the Air Force Reserves.
3:02
And so he came to me my senior year was like, what are you
3:06
going to do when you get out of high school?
3:08
I'm like, I don't even know, man.
3:10
Like I had no, I maybe basketball because I did play
3:14
basketball, but I wanted to work too.
3:16
I had a job. So it was like, I don't know,
3:18
you know what I'm going to do. And so he was like, well, why
3:20
don't you join the military is like go part time first, because
3:24
if you go full time and you don't like it, you're going to
3:26
be stuck in that contract. If you go for four years, you
3:29
can be stuck in that four year contract, but you can go
3:31
reserves and then always transfer over to go full time.
3:35
So I was like, yeah, he's like, yeah, yeah.
3:37
So I'm like, all right. So I went down to the recruiting
3:39
station and looked at the Air Force, because he was in the Air
3:43
Force Reserve. And I did did my physical and
3:47
Air Force was like, yeah, no, you can't, you can't join the
3:50
Air Force. And I was like, all right,
3:51
whatever. And so later that evening, a
3:54
National Guard recruiter called me and he came to the house and
3:59
gave me this great speech and was like, you could get $1000
4:03
bonus that was 19 years old. I was like.
4:07
That was a lot of money. I was like, yeah, you like, you
4:09
get 500 up front and then 500. I was like, for real.
4:12
He's like, yeah. So I was at my grandmother's
4:15
house that day and I was like, you know what?
4:17
I'm signed up. And so I joined the National
4:20
Guard, California National Guard first.
4:22
Wow, so how many years did you do with the guard?
4:26
So I did four years with the guard and my uncle was right.
4:29
I drew the four years and then that fourth year I was like, you
4:32
know what, I think I could do this full time.
4:36
I had just got done with the riots because I was, I was on
4:38
the streets of LA during the riots and, and I was like, you
4:42
know what, I think I like this. And so I, I went to the Armory
4:48
and talked to the register CEO and I was like, Hey, I want to
4:50
transition over to regular army. He was like, well, you know that
4:54
National Guard has full time jobs.
4:56
I'm like, really? He's like, yeah, they have AGR
4:58
jobs. I'm like, OK, he's like, well go
5:00
look at the clipboard on the wall over there and flip through
5:03
there. And so I went on the wall,
5:05
picked up this clipboard, and I flipped through and I seen this
5:10
X4 clerk for HHC 540th and I was like, flip through it.
5:15
I was like, I think I could do this job.
5:17
He was like, let me see it. He's like, oh, it's due in three
5:21
days. Oh wow.
5:23
So he was like I can help you. So believe, I believe it or not
5:27
in three days I put put my AGR packet together and submitted it
5:32
and submitted everything. And that was 93 of December and
5:38
March of of 94. I had an interview with that
5:43
unit and got selected in 94. But then there was a freeze.
5:48
California National Guard had a freeze.
5:50
And so then I got actually hired in July of 94.
5:54
So I did 20 years of AGR for California National Guard.
5:59
You know, AGR is the best of both worlds.
6:02
It's the best of the reserve side of the house or the
6:04
National Guard side of the house, and best of the full time
6:07
active service side of the house.
6:09
Because you're usually local in your own community.
6:12
Not always, but a lot of times, unless you take an assignment or
6:15
want an assignment somewhere else, it's kind of hometown
6:19
work, but still in a full time capacity.
6:22
So it's really one of those hybrid type jobs.
6:26
I would say military because you you get active benefits, active
6:30
pay, but you're usually local to to somewhere you want to be.
6:34
I guess I should say that. And and here here's the thing
6:37
that I that I learned the difference between the two is
6:40
that an AGR, especially as the Renaissance Coe 7 you we, we, I
6:46
do like 10 jobs. So our regular army component,
6:50
you have one job that they do right as a Agri have I have to
6:55
know supply and training and and everything.
6:59
So it's it's different, but I I was able to enjoy it.
7:03
But yeah, that to me that was the only difference is that, you
7:06
know, it's a AGR you you got like 10 jobs.
7:09
Mine versus the regular Army got one specific job that they do so
7:14
yeah. Well, on the National Guard and
7:17
the reserve side of the house too, they don't.
7:19
If you're deployed, they don't always take you for your
7:22
military skill. They take you for your civilian
7:24
skill too sometimes, because sometimes police officers won't
7:27
necessarily be a police officer in uniform.
7:30
That's not their role or their branch, but that's what they do
7:33
on the civilian side. So they'll take you because
7:35
that's the skill set they need. So be a reservist versus active
7:40
duty or even AGR being a reservist.
7:43
You know, they look at it, it's 2 weeks a year and then it's
7:47
the, you know, the drills. But really and truthfully, it's
7:51
all through the month and it's not just those days.
7:54
So it's all those days on paid basically because you're not
7:57
getting paid for all the work that they say, well, you know,
7:59
you've got to do this course and you've got to do that other
8:01
course and you have to, you know, there's so many demands.
8:05
And then if you're in leadership in the unit, then you have to
8:09
like check on other people or yeah, to these staff meetings or
8:13
these other things. So it's not really just that you
8:15
have this 2 weeks a year and then these battle assemblies,
8:19
you have all the stuff in between plus your civilian work.
8:23
Plus your civilian work. Yeah, and.
8:24
Then you have to try to, you know, maintain a fitness level
8:27
too, between all of that, you know, because you don't get paid
8:29
to work out when you're on the reserve side or the National
8:32
Guard side. You have to figure it out when
8:34
you're on the active side. They give you, you know, so many
8:37
hours each day to work out, you know, like an hour for workout
8:41
and then hygiene and then back to work.
8:44
So, you know, you're kind of programmed into that readiness.
8:47
But with National Guard and, you know, reserves, you're not so
8:50
much. Yeah.
8:52
And, and, and as far as the travel, as far as the travel, I
8:55
was able to transfer from California to Michigan and I did
8:58
for an A125 infantry mechanized infantry company.
9:03
I was a supply siren over there. And then I was able to come back
9:06
to California, right. And then so I had AI had a
9:09
really great career, I thought until I collapsed, you know, and
9:15
we'll talk about that later. But until I had that medical
9:18
issue that pretty much ended my career.
9:21
Yeah. So how long were you serving
9:25
before all that? So you spent four years, you
9:28
said, in the National Guard and then you went AGR.
9:30
And how long did you spend in AGR service before you had your
9:36
first realization that there was something going on?
9:40
Yeah. So that was my 17th year AGR and
9:49
I was at a knock. It was just a normal, you know,
9:52
I'm, I'm, I'm 87 already. I, I, I didn't have to go to
9:56
school because I wasn't in a rush to make E8, but I wanted to
10:00
make, go to the school and get it out the way.
10:02
So when I'm ready, because I had three, I had three, three MO s s
10:05
and I, I used each one of my MO s s to get promoted in.
10:07
So I'm like, OK, let me go get the school out the way while I
10:10
got this time. That way, when I'm ready to make
10:12
E8, I'll, I'll be, you know, everything will be out the way.
10:15
And so I went up there to Camp Roberts like a normal, you know,
10:19
training. And that morning I woke up to do
10:22
the PT test APFT had did the push up sit ups and was out
10:26
doing the two mile run. And that last lap after I came
10:31
around the curve, I heard the instructor 15451546.
10:36
So I'm like, oh, shoot, I'm doing good.
10:38
I'm I'm 36 years old at the time.
10:41
I got 1721 to pass and I'm here in 1540s and I'm like right here
10:46
at the finish line and I'm like, OK, so you know, we're trained
10:49
to Sprint the last lap. And so I heard my mind say, you
10:53
know, we're at a schoolhouse. So my mind is like, Hey, get
10:56
your best time because it goes credit, you know, those numbers
10:58
go towards your, your grades. So of course I take off to
11:02
Sprint. And I did feel like it's like
11:06
electrical charge, like come over my body, like a vibration
11:09
sensation, but I didn't think anything of it.
11:12
Cross the finish line, 16 minutes, hands over my head,
11:15
air, you know, get air in my lungs, all the stuff we're
11:17
trying to do. But then my peripheral got dark.
11:21
I start feeling weird and nauseated, and I lean.
11:24
I kneeled down and laid on my back.
11:26
I didn't pass out, but I closed my eyes because everything was
11:29
like spending 1,000,000 miles an hour.
11:31
And that was the episode of my rhabdomyosis with my sickle cell
11:35
trait exertion. Oh, my goodness.
11:38
So what happened after that? I mean, like you were in a
11:40
school. Did they send you home?
11:42
Did they treat you? What?
11:43
What happened? Yeah.
11:45
So the medics came and got me. They rushed me to the hospital
11:48
down there in Twin Cities. The doctor comes in, he gives me
11:52
an IV. He comes back and says, you ever
11:54
had kidney problems? No.
11:56
What you do now? And then he walks out.
11:59
Oh my goodness. He comes back and says, you know
12:01
what, freak accident, probably dehydration, heat stroke.
12:04
I'm give you one more IV, take the rest of the day off.
12:07
You should be fine. My instructor standing there
12:09
next to me and he's like, yeah, we'll give you the day off.
12:11
You know, it's PT day, so it's easy day.
12:13
So I go back to the barracks. I lay down.
12:16
I wake up mid afternoon and I'm worse.
12:18
I'm throwing up. Everything is still spinning,
12:21
almost crapped in myself like I was in a very bad state.
12:24
And I just go back to sleep. I will, of course.
12:27
It's 1630. My classmates come in the
12:29
barracks, they see me on the bunk.
12:31
They rushed me back to the hospital that night, and the
12:33
night doctor does some more blood work.
12:35
And by that time my kidneys were at 50% each.
12:38
My kidneys were failing by the time I got back that night.
12:41
And so he did blood work and stuff and saw that my creatinine
12:45
kinesis levels were like 12,000 and rising.
12:49
They're supposed to be like 150 for my age at the time.
12:52
And that's where they diagnosed me with rhythm myelosis, which
12:55
is the skeleton muscular disorder with the renal failure
12:59
and all the other stuff that happened to my my body.
13:02
So they sent me home. Yeah.
13:04
I, I, I spent four days in the hospital.
13:07
I was done. My family came and got me, took
13:10
me back home to see my regular doctor.
13:12
And. And that was the down spiral of
13:14
my career after that episode. Wow.
13:17
So how did you deal with that? How did you deal with the
13:20
realization that your military career was, I mean, essentially
13:25
you weren't going to be able to continue, right?
13:27
I mean, that's what was going through your head.
13:29
And then you were like, but then how do I take care of me and
13:31
what do I do? And what does this mean for me?
13:34
And that how is my life going? I mean, that has to put you in a
13:37
really like difficult place and you don't know what to do with
13:41
it. I mean, you know, what you
13:42
should do with it, you should figure out, well, I'm going to
13:44
figure this out. I'm going to be OK, but it's
13:47
very, that's a big wait. Yeah.
13:50
And so I can, again, I can articulate it to you today
13:52
because of the work I've done. But I, I made it mean my life
13:56
was over, that that's what I made it mean.
13:58
And and so by making it mean my life is over, I, I just started
14:03
collecting evidence of proof that my life was over.
14:06
And so everything was fine. I, I, I was going to the doctor
14:11
to see what was going on with me.
14:12
And so I would go exercise, but every time I exercise, it felt
14:16
like I was on a roller coaster. Like I was still kind of groggy,
14:18
Vertigo, muscle, muscle fatigue. And so we did that for like 2
14:23
1/2 years. And my doctor was like, you know
14:26
what? You just can't run.
14:28
I'm like, all right, cool. I've seen people with worst,
14:30
worst, worst injuries in the military.
14:32
So I'm like, OK, I'll just get a profile.
14:34
I'll do the walk or the bicycle or I can't swim.
14:36
I swim like a Chevy truck, like a rock.
14:38
Oh, like a rock. So I'm like, I'll just do the
14:41
walk or something. So he gives me a profile.
14:44
I turn that paperwork in and the state surgeon's office, they
14:48
like, they send me this message and says, you can't do anything.
14:51
You can, you're non deployable now.
14:54
You can't carry a weapon. Matter of fact, you're on AP4
14:57
profile and you're going to go, you're going to go to a medical
15:00
board because we have to figure out what happened to you.
15:02
And at that was the point where I was like, it's over.
15:08
It's and I was an emotional guy. So my, whatever my mind said to
15:13
me, I believed it. And so I just believed that my
15:16
life was over and that that was the start of the rest of the
15:20
spiral into depression, suicide ideation, anxiety, I mean, you
15:25
name it, living it to the future of uncertainty.
15:27
All of all of my mental health issues expressed itself in that
15:34
in that conversation. Yeah, I can't only, I can only
15:38
imagine that that was devastating news.
15:42
So how, how did you transition out of the Army?
15:45
So you had the Med board. They they put you out because
15:47
they said, you know, you're, you're non deployable, you're
15:49
P4. We we, we can't use you in this
15:52
capacity. So what happened next?
15:55
So I fought it. I, I took him 3 and it took him
15:58
almost three years to Get Me Out.
16:00
I appealed it, I appealed it, I appealed it.
16:03
But it wasn't until I was going to the some mental health
16:06
appointments in 2009, my buddies saw me and it was like, what's
16:12
wrong with you, bro? Like because I just shut down
16:15
and they were like, you need to do something.
16:16
And that's how I found block talk to do radio shows.
16:20
So I started doing the sports show and that kind of
16:22
interrupted the willingness to die.
16:24
But I just was going to the middle health appointments.
16:27
And then I ran into Lieutenant Adams at the time, my buddy, we
16:34
were together during the war. We served in O4O four O 5
16:37
together at a in state deployment OCONUS and it was
16:46
just like he's like how you been?
16:49
I'm like, you don't want to know?
16:50
He's like, no, tell me. I'm like, man, I could barely
16:54
walk. I'm going to these mental health
16:55
appointments. I'm losing my mind like I don't
16:57
know what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong with
16:58
me. And he's like, oh, you know what
17:00
man? My muscles locked up on me one
17:02
time, but I got sickle cell trach.
17:03
So I have to drink extra water, take these vitamins and I'm
17:07
standing there. This is 2010.
17:09
And I'm like, wait a minute, what did you say?
17:11
He's like, yeah, I got sickle cell trade.
17:13
And I'm like, why does that sound familiar?
17:16
Well, I found out I was a sickle cell trade carrier when I was
17:21
transferring to Michigan my 10th year.
17:24
So that was my second physical in the middle in the Army.
17:28
The Air Force Base that I was attached to found my sickle cell
17:31
trade. And that's how I found out I was
17:34
a trade carrier 10 years after being in the military.
17:36
Oh, wow. And so when he said that it
17:40
triggered my memory or triggered that was 99 when I did my second
17:43
physical. So I went back into the clinic,
17:46
I got a copy of that physical. I looked through it and I found
17:49
that I was a positive sickle cell trait test and that taking
17:57
that document to my rheumatologist at UCLA and then
18:01
heard looking at the Rabdo and the sickle cell trait is where
18:05
we found that people have been collapsing and dying.
18:07
Military personnel, athletes have been dying for years from
18:11
sickle cell trade exertion and the rhabdomyosis.
18:13
And then that was my diagnosis that we took to the medical
18:17
doctors and they were like, Oh yeah, you're done.
18:21
Wow. And so I couldn't, I couldn't
18:24
fight it after that. But that's the start of what you
18:29
do now or what you've done next with that information and really
18:33
how you're helping other military and how you're really
18:36
plugging people into resources around sickle cell and the
18:41
different traits. You know, I don't, I don't know
18:44
all about all the different traits, but I do know, you know
18:46
that they that it can be debilitating in, in some
18:50
instances or, or you can be active and then you just can't
18:54
be as active maybe as you'd want to be because it you'll trigger
18:58
symptoms or you'll trigger some kind of reaction.
19:01
So what work are you doing now around what you found out about
19:05
yourself? Yeah.
19:07
So that enabled me to look at the sickle cell trade because
19:12
again, I didn't, I knew that I was a carrier, but all the
19:15
information that I was told when the, when the Air Force found my
19:18
trade and, and, and just brought me back to the clinic to tell me
19:21
I was a trade carrier, I was like, Hey, I got a cousin with
19:23
sickle cell. He's like, no, it's not the
19:25
disease. You're just a carrier.
19:27
So you should have no problems. You know, just don't have a baby
19:30
with somebody with the tray because you can have a baby with
19:32
sickle cell disease. And I'm like, OK, cool, like,
19:34
all right, that that's it. You know, I'm 29 years old and
19:37
we're out the other. So I go about my life.
19:39
But when I hear that, and now I'm looking at Oh my gosh, like
19:43
what is this? First of all, what is this gene
19:46
that I carry? And then I brought it to my
19:48
family and my dad was like, Oh yeah, you know, Nigel has sickle
19:52
cell, blah, blah. So it wasn't until I was at the
19:56
at the Air Force Base and my mental health provider would
20:02
took he took leave. But Ashley Benjamin came in that
20:07
day to to sit to step in for him.
20:10
And so I go into my mental health appointment and officer
20:13
Benjamin says, you know, what are you going to do when you
20:16
retire? I said, man, I'm a sit on the
20:18
dock of the Bay and watch the tides roll away and whistle.
20:21
And so he he was like, let me show you the you know this in
20:25
this book. And so he showed me a 2
20:27
paragraphs in this book about athletes collapsing from sickle
20:31
cell trait and rhabdomyelosis. And I'm like, you know what
20:34
happened to me? He's like, yeah, it happens to a
20:37
lot of people and they get misdiagnosed because the worst
20:39
case is people die from cardiac arrest.
20:42
And I'm like, what? So he's like, yeah, so what's
20:45
triggering the cardiac arrest is some of these conditions of
20:48
rhabdo and sickle cell trade. So he's like, you can become an
20:51
advocate. I'm like, what's the advocate?
20:54
He's like, you could actually Share your story and educate
20:57
people and travel. And I was like, it was like the
21:00
cartoon with the light bulb on top of my head.
21:03
I was, I was like, Oh my gosh. And so I took that conversation.
21:06
I went home, went online. I start doing research and I
21:11
found more information about sickle cell trade.
21:13
I found that people sickle cell trade can have complications, of
21:16
course, with the exertion in the rhabdo, blood clots, pain
21:21
crisis, anemia type issues. There's a rare kidney cancer
21:25
connected to sickle cell trait. So when I saw all that, it was
21:28
like God showing me like, yeah, I got something for you to do
21:32
and, and, and this is your message.
21:35
And I just embraced it ever since then, 2010.
21:39
That's awesome that you that you found that information and were
21:42
able to help yourself. So Tim is asking, how long did
21:46
your depression affect you? Oh, today it ain't.
21:50
It ain't gone. It ain't gone.
21:53
I've learned how to manage it for sure.
21:57
Yeah, for sure. MJ said you were destined to be
22:03
a voice front and service to others.
22:06
Thank you for being you. Thank you, MJ.
22:08
What's up, MJ? We've got Amber in the chat and
22:12
we've got Tim and MJ. Yeah, happy to have all them
22:17
talking with us today. Yeah.
22:19
So around the mental health work that you're doing, you met you
22:24
met someone that also is in that space and has done some great
22:28
work. And his name is Caldwell.
22:30
And how did you in get yourself involved with him and then
22:34
what's going to be the outcome of that involvement?
22:37
Yeah, thank you. So you know, during that
22:40
transition, going to mental health appointments, all that
22:42
stuff, I was I was 39 when when I heard this voice in my head
22:52
one day that say it said, there's got to be something
22:55
better than this, right? Because I was literally I had
22:58
the plan, my favorite car, like I was ready to go, like I was
23:02
ready to check out. I held what I held on to was my
23:05
youngest daughter, Deja and I because I played basketball for
23:08
so athletes. So I had mental toughness, but
23:10
it was like that mental anguish that I was in.
23:13
I had never felt anything like that before.
23:16
And so I'm like, I can't leave my daughter like I have three
23:19
daughters, but I can't leave my daughter like I can't.
23:21
So I battled in my mind to stay alive from O6 to, to, to, you
23:29
know, this is now 2010 and going into 2011 actually.
23:35
And so I had some friends that work for Panda Express and their
23:39
manager sends them to this personal development education,
23:42
right? And so they, they saw me in my
23:44
depressed state and they were like a, we got some courses that
23:47
we take. You should, you should take
23:49
these classes now. I want to say they asked me like
23:51
3 times. I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:55
And then probably the third or fourth time they were like,
23:58
look, you could you all different type of people take
24:01
this course. You can meet people there.
24:02
It's like a networking blah, blah, blah.
24:04
And so I had an idea for a sports brand.
24:07
And so they were like, you don't know who you can meet there.
24:10
So they're like and, and it's paid for.
24:12
We already paid for. You just have to pick the dates.
24:14
And so I said yes. And sitting in that class that
24:20
Friday and there was a conversation about the vicious
24:23
circle and what happened and versus what we make it mean,
24:27
right? And so after the coach, it's
24:29
like 170 people in the room, this one coach in front.
24:32
And he says, now look in your life and see where you made-up a
24:35
story, you know, in this circle. And I kid you not, it was like
24:40
right in my face, like my hand of the day in my office at work
24:45
that I'm, that I said to myself that my life is over and that
24:50
story and I took that story and put it in that distinction and
24:54
unraveled it. It was a moment that I saw when
24:57
I got an e-mail because our room was getting deployed.
24:59
So the e-mail came in and I had, you know, I did my physical too.
25:03
So I'm like, I want to go back to school.
25:04
Like I'm, I should be good. Like I'm thinking everything's
25:07
fine. So I, of course, I click the
25:08
e-mail, I go to my name first because I'm in charge.
25:11
And so I look at my name and my name says pending discharge.
25:16
And I was like pending discharge.
25:18
And I'm like, oh, my life is over.
25:20
Then I'm like, well, wait a minute, nobody's told me
25:22
anything. Aren't there's a process?
25:23
So I called my battalion. They're like, oh, you got to
25:25
call AGR branch. So I call AGR branch like, oh,
25:27
you got to call medical. Medical branch says, oh, you
25:29
know what, it's a mistake. You got to get a medical board
25:32
1st and then they determine it. And so.
25:34
But I had already read. I had already read it.
25:37
Yeah. Right, So when I read that and
25:40
I, and I said that out loud, that my life is over, Imagine
25:44
I'm coming to work now every day and when that phone rings, my
25:48
body is just, is this the phone call, right?
25:52
That's going to end my career? Oh my gosh.
25:55
And so that story came back in my, in my head in that class.
25:59
I, I told the truth to myself because I was willing and I saw
26:04
that all the Army said was you're going to get a medical
26:06
board. Haran made it mean my life is
26:09
over. So who said my life was over?
26:13
Did the Army say my life was over or did Faran say that?
26:16
Right. And I had to tell the truth that
26:19
Faron said that Army didn't say that.
26:23
And that was the moment that I was able to take that education
26:27
and start to look in my life of how many stories did I make up.
26:30
And then after I looked at that story, I found stories I made
26:35
about my mom. I made, but my dad didn't love
26:38
me. My mom abandoned me like I had
26:39
all these peer aged all these different like 12 to 18
26:44
different episodes of my life at 40 years old.
26:47
Now I'm looking back the shoot from 40 to 2 years old and I'm
26:51
finding all these stories that I made-up about Faron that I
26:56
realized those stories might not be the truth about Faron.
27:01
And that was the onset of me, you know, still in front of you
27:05
today. And then on this journey of
27:08
meeting Caldwell, who was actually at a veteran home in
27:12
2018, I went to go interview a World War 2 veteran because I
27:14
was doing my trench talk show. And he came up to me right
27:18
afterwards and was, I introduced himself and was like, Hey, I'm a
27:20
mental health educator, you know, all this stuff.
27:23
And he's gave me his card and emailed me his whole curriculum.
27:26
And I met him that next week and I sat down with him and I, he
27:31
took me through his old program and I'm like, this is this is
27:35
what I'm up to. And he's like, yeah, I've been
27:39
doing this. You know, I graduated UCLA in
27:40
1957, you know, and, and became a mental health educator and use
27:45
this curriculum to interrupt suicide from children.
27:50
Elementary school, middle school, high school.
27:52
And then I went to, he said, I went to the corporate world and
27:55
was transforming corporate companies, Nestle's, Xerox and a
28:01
bunch of other companies, TRW. And then he brought it back to
28:07
do it for veterans because he saw that he's a same curriculum
28:09
could be used for veteran suicide.
28:11
And so that's how we connected. And today I'm still with him,
28:16
you know what, almost six years, eight years later, and I'm his
28:22
only curriculum trainer. He's 92 right now and still
28:26
pursuing to get his education back into into the system
28:30
because it, it, it can, it, it, it does work and it can work.
28:36
And the challenge today is that people just don't believe that
28:39
people can do this kind of work. Like people don't believe that
28:43
people, children can actually take these classes and restore
28:47
their self love, their self esteem, their self worth.
28:50
That's that what we all, let's just go to veterans.
28:54
One of the biggest things that you can ask a veteran, what they
28:56
miss and their whole career is camaraderie.
28:59
Right. Yes, exactly.
29:01
Yes. That that camaraderie is our
29:03
version of sense of belonging. We all want to belong.
29:07
And so a child wants to belong to their family.
29:10
The child really wants to belong to their mom and dad, their
29:12
father, mother. But there's a break in
29:15
communication. There's a break that happens
29:17
between that child and that parent and that parent of that
29:19
child, that that heart of that child.
29:22
My mom don't understand me or like me.
29:25
My mom abandoned me and my dad don't love me.
29:29
And the two year old decision, if I could tell you real quick,
29:35
about a month and a half ago now, the last 16 years was was
29:41
for that this this past this Monday night, that just happened
29:44
about a month and a half ago. And one of my veteran friends,
29:50
Angelica, she had taken the courses as that I introduced her
29:54
to. So she took the second course,
29:56
advanced course. Then she called me on Monday and
29:58
was like, Hey, do you remember your the command, the ACT?
30:02
And I'm like, you know what? I did that from twice over, but
30:05
tell me what you got. I know, I know mine was
30:07
connected to I'm not good if I'm not worth it.
30:09
Like that's myself talk. I'm not good enough, I'm not
30:11
worth it. That's how I talk to myself.
30:14
And so she's like, well, it's a decision that we make as as a
30:19
child, and it's an emotional decision that we make as a child
30:23
to protect ourselves. And it's a command.
30:27
And so I'm like, all right, you know what, like I said, I know
30:29
mine's disconnected. I'm not good if I'm not worth
30:31
it. But I'll, you know, I
30:33
appreciate, you know, sharing, you know, what you got from it.
30:36
But that that day, my middle mind, conscience mind grabbed
30:40
that conversation with her and I started searching my heart for
30:45
my command. So I live in in 4 dimensions,
30:53
right? So I live in my spirit.
30:55
I'm a spirit, I possess the soul and in my soul I have my mind
30:59
with an emotions, right? But the but the in psychology,
31:03
the mind is broken up into three parts.
31:05
You have your conscious mind, your conscience mind and your
31:08
subconscious mind, right? That's psychology.
31:11
So imagine my middle mind, conscience mind, grab that
31:14
conversation. So all day I could hear myself
31:17
talk to myself, looking for my command in my heart.
31:21
Yeah. Right.
31:22
So about 7:00 that night, I go grab some food.
31:26
I come back home, I'm watching TV and I hear my middle mind
31:30
say, remember what your mother said?
31:32
Your mother said go to Genesis chapter 3 because that's the
31:36
fall. That's where all the stuff
31:38
happened to man with Adam and Eve in the garden, right?
31:41
So I'm like, Oh yeah, that's right.
31:43
So I'm eating, talking to myself, and my subconscious mind
31:47
is quiet. My subconscious mind is like
31:50
nothing going on in the background.
31:52
And so I hear my mind going, Oh, wait a minute.
31:55
OK, let's look. Is it embarrassment?
31:58
No, my Cam is not embarrassed because I figured some
32:01
embarrassment stuff out. So I'm just not embarrassment.
32:03
No, not that. Is it shame?
32:06
No, I dealt with some shame stuff.
32:08
I figured out a bunch of my shame issues as a child, you
32:10
know, 11 year old stuff and all that.
32:12
So I'm not, it's not the shame. And then all of a sudden, no,
32:16
all of a sudden my heart start beating fast and I'm like,
32:22
that's weird. Did I take my blood pressure
32:24
pills last night? Now I'm questioning myself
32:26
because I got, I got, I'm having these heart, heart.
32:29
Right, the palpitations. Yeah, I'm like, did I take my
32:32
blood pressure pills last night? And I'm like, yeah, I took them
32:35
last night. So I was.
32:37
And then all of a sudden my knees, I felt anxiety come in my
32:41
body come up. So now I'm experiencing anxiety
32:43
in my knees, right? So my heart, my heart's racing,
32:47
my anxiety in my knees and my middle mind is like, oh, is it
32:53
disappointment? And all of a sudden my
32:56
subconscious mind says no, no, no, no.
33:01
And I'm like, so now I'm my spirit is observing, my spirit
33:05
is observed. I can see myself in the whole
33:07
room watching TV and eating. And I hear this whole
33:11
conversation. Now that's in my head.
33:12
This is 3 conversations in my head going on.
33:15
My subconscious mind says, no, no, who are we going to be?
33:18
We're not good enough. Who are we going to be for?
33:21
Not worth it. And I'm like, what is going on?
33:24
And so my first mind is like, you know what, turn the TV off.
33:27
So I turn the TV off. And now I hear my middle mind
33:30
like, yeah, it's disappointment. Remember the two year old
33:34
decision and the stuff that we discovered, the disconnection
33:37
from your mother and was your grandmother and, and I saw
33:39
scriptures and all the mental health stuff and the common
33:42
behavior education and all the stuff that I found.
33:45
It's like, yeah, it's disappointment.
33:47
So then I'm like, you know what I got to, I got to, I got to
33:51
deal with my body sensations. Like I learned I could have
33:54
things and emotions. I don't have to become them.
33:57
So I, I sit, I take a deep breath and I let, I let, I let
34:01
it go and I start crying. I'm crying like unlike
34:06
profusely, like I can't stop crying.
34:08
I'm crying worse than when he told me my dad passed away.
34:11
Like I'm crying. I'm crying like, like more than
34:14
like just ball and crying. So my first mind is like, OK,
34:18
Faron, you got to get yourself together.
34:20
You got to stop crying. My subconscious mind says, no,
34:23
the only way you can stop crying is if you take your life.
34:27
Oh no. And my middle mind is like, what
34:31
did you say? Right.
34:34
It's like the only way you can stop crying is you take your
34:36
life. And my middle mind says we're
34:39
not doing that. We got church, we got
34:42
basketball, we got sickle cell, we got and it just, it just ran
34:46
off the list of stuff that I've been dealing with and working on
34:50
the last 16 years. Terry.
34:53
It was like, it was like God's armor was deflecting all of
34:57
those things that my mind, my subcontomine was telling me to
35:01
do. And after, after I said all
35:04
those things out loud, like, no, we got this and this and this
35:09
and this and this and that and, and all of a sudden that voice,
35:12
it just like gone, just disappeared, right.
35:18
And so I'm crying and I'm like, OK, I got to call somebody.
35:21
So I called Caldwell because I know he has listening skills.
35:25
And I'm like call, it's like it's like 10:00 at night.
35:29
Oh my goodness. And I'm like Caldwell, he's
35:31
like, Ron, you OK? And I'm 'cause I'm crying.
35:33
I'm like Caldwell. I don't know what's going on,
35:35
man. But I got to tell you what I
35:36
just experienced. He's like Faron.
35:38
You're in a battle with your mind right now.
35:41
I'm like, are you serious? He's like Faron, you're in a
35:43
battle with your mind. And I'm like, OK, so he, you
35:45
know, he talks to me for me for a few.
35:47
So I'm like, oh, I got to call somebody from church.
35:50
So I hang up with him. I call my my pastor.
35:53
He doesn't answer. The prophet doesn't answer.
35:57
My other pastor doesn't answer. I call my mom, she don't answer.
36:02
And I remember. Exactly 4 calls in and no one is
36:06
picking up the phone. It's like 10:30 at night and I
36:09
have one more prophet that text me that morning and I call him
36:13
and he answers the phone. He's like hey my brother how you
36:17
doing? I'm like, prophet, thank you for
36:19
taking this call, but I need to tell you something.
36:22
And we talk and his commentary was killing me.
36:25
He was like what? Oh my gosh, no way.
36:28
What you're kidding me. No way.
36:30
And he said, brother, you was in you're in a spiritual battle.
36:33
I'm like for real. He's like, yes.
36:35
He's like brother, you just you just spoke to me.
36:38
I have a 2 year old child that I've been blocked off from my
36:42
mom and my dad and been on drugs and my grandmother and and he's
36:46
like, bro, your message just spoke to me.
36:48
And I'm like, all I know is I feel like over here on the left
36:55
is this big old tree that I could see the roots sticking out
36:59
the bottom and in front of me is this big old dirt hole.
37:03
I'm standing there and I don't know what to do.
37:04
It's like I uprooted that 2 year old decision that So what I
37:10
made-up about my mom and my grandmother was I was unsafe and
37:14
I was lost in relationships. And my command was that I'm
37:18
never, ever, ever going to feel that pain of disappointment
37:22
again at all cost. Now, how does a 2 year old mind
37:28
land on a story like that? But that's the power of the
37:33
brain. So when you, when you understand
37:35
child development and you understand the human mind and
37:40
our brain is designed of perception patterns, memory
37:42
patterns and, and action patterns.
37:45
And those stories go all the way back to our childhood.
37:49
So to be able to go back at 50 now that's I'm 56.
37:53
So you talking about 54 years that I lived with an identity
37:58
that I'm unsafe and then I'm lost in relationships and I
38:01
never want to experience disappointment.
38:04
And, and that was between my mom and my grandmother.
38:07
So you can only imagine how Fahran's life has been for 54
38:11
years of how I've been living, avoiding disappointment and
38:15
still disappointing myself and disappointing people in
38:17
relationships. Wow.
38:20
And, and, and so that's, that's what I wanted to tell you of how
38:25
I got to be in front of you today.
38:26
And it's like, what do I, what do I do with this?
38:29
And, and, and I, and there's, there's so much more I got to
38:32
still deal with. That's why I said it's never
38:34
over because I still have to manage those stories and that
38:37
and that feeling of this depression and anxiety.
38:40
But I the best that we can share is I'm aware of it now.
38:46
Right. And the more you become aware of
38:48
your behavior and those thoughts and those stories and the more
38:52
you willing to tell the truth about your life experiences and
38:55
own that pass the the the Peace of Mind and the freedom is
39:00
available. That's that's all the Bible
39:02
talks about is repenting, renewing your mind, changing the
39:05
way that you think, right? Grabbing those thoughts like
39:08
those are all principles and cognitive behavior for my
39:13
brothers and sisters in in the arms.
39:15
If you're in the military, you serve in the military and you
39:17
have access to the VA or you got to pay for it, go to cognitive
39:21
behavior therapy. That was one of the best classes
39:24
that I've taken because it taught me how to grab those
39:27
thoughts and challenge those thoughts that I don't love.
39:31
I don't love women, I don't love myself.
39:33
And it makes you put those things in the percentage.
39:37
OK, I don't love myself. I can't no longer say I don't
39:39
love myself. I love myself 80% of the time.
39:42
So then now I can't walk around and say I don't love Farran.
39:45
I have to now say I love I don't love women.
39:48
Oh guess what? I do love women.
39:50
Well, if I love myself 80%, I could love a woman at least 80%.
39:54
So now I can't stop. I can no longer say I don't love
39:56
women. I can't.
39:57
So my language had to change on how I talk to myself 1st and
40:04
when when people. Are willing to tell the truth
40:07
Terry and and look in their life and use whatever you take church
40:13
principles, cognitive behavior, the ACT whatever it's some kind
40:18
of therapy or mental health. You have to be willing to apply
40:21
that stuff to your life. It's like a hammer.
40:25
A hammer is powerful. We know a hammer is powerful in
40:27
the in the drawer right? We know, but but it doesn't get
40:30
expressed until it's used by you.
40:33
The hammer has to be used by us to, to feel the power of that
40:36
hammer. That's the way those principles
40:39
are. And Caldwell's education, from
40:43
his education to cognitive behavior to the personal
40:45
development classes, to the biblical principles, those are
40:48
all principles. And if you're willing to apply
40:51
those to your life, I'm telling you there's there's freedom on
40:58
the other side of that herd. Yeah, and I totally agree with
41:02
that. You really, it's really about
41:04
your conversation with yourself. If you're not, you're not
41:07
telling yourself positive things, then all those negative
41:11
things will creep in and you'll start to believe them.
41:14
You'll start to take them in and you'll start to really get into
41:17
a bad downward spiral. But you have to have that
41:21
conversation with yourself is like you said it.
41:23
Well, I love myself at least half the time.
41:25
Or at least. Half the time, yes, so I can
41:28
measure it. Yeah, because it right, because
41:30
it has has to be measurable. There has to be some some
41:34
measurable feelings around something.
41:37
And if you can get to that point at least then OK, well 50% I'm
41:41
good or like you know, whatever that number is.
41:43
But yeah, you really have to be in that positive mindset where
41:47
you can at least find one or two things that you can focus on
41:51
instead of focusing on the bed and like, oh, this is horrible.
41:54
My life must be over because these things aren't working out
41:58
like they need to. But what is working out?
42:00
What things are going well? What things can you focus and,
42:04
and put your energy behind? And so putting your energy
42:07
behind something, you've put your energy behind a lot of
42:10
projects and one of them is basketball.
42:14
So tell us about that and tell us your your work around that
42:17
kind of thing. You know, I'm supposed to be at
42:20
a tryout today. My team is trying out today for
42:23
this 20262027 season. But my, my commitment to to our
42:28
community and this conversation is just as valuable as that.
42:32
But I told you about my basketball identity, right?
42:34
I told you that to happen as a child.
42:37
And so because of my collapsing in the military, being, you
42:42
know, a disabled veteran and and almost taking on that identity,
42:46
I can't exercise like I used to. I can't play ball like I used
42:48
to. Like I'm physically just not.
42:50
I live in a pain 7. I don't complain unless it's
42:53
like a nine or a 10 to my family, but I managed this. 7
42:56
But I and my brothers and sisters, please tell your family
42:59
when you're in pain. It doesn't work.
43:01
Yes, we were trained to not talk about our pain and not go to
43:04
sick call and all that stuff. But let me tell you, don't live
43:07
that life. I'm I have to peel all that off
43:09
today to deal with my own self. And so knowing I can't exercise
43:14
and play ball like I used to, I had to figure out something from
43:17
my identity in that because I'm that Best Buy identity is, is
43:21
it's a part of me. It was my therapy.
43:23
It was how I use my stress relief.
43:25
I left it all on the basketball court.
43:27
So that identity is strong in me.
43:29
And so being able to be a part of a ABA professional basketball
43:34
team as a co-owner, it's like I get to fulfill that identity
43:39
inside that basket. It keeps me connected to that
43:41
basketball world. And so we end up now owning 3
43:45
teams. We own the Ventura County Orcas,
43:47
the Inland Empire Dogs, and the Riverside County Mavericks.
43:52
And I, I really went to God because of that identity.
43:55
And, and again, understanding what I've been through these
43:57
last 16 years of healing, right, and filling up these layers,
44:02
veterans of military and veterans of sports are not
44:04
different because the identity in that uniform, the identity in
44:09
those cliques of those basketball jerseys, when that
44:12
career is over in sports, a lot of times that athlete's identity
44:16
is still trapped and they don't know how to walk away from that
44:19
sport. And it's like, what's next?
44:21
Right. Right.
44:22
And so when I saw these players in the community of chasing this
44:25
hoop dream, you know, chasing this basketball identity, it's
44:29
like, man, like I, I saw myself in them.
44:34
And it's like, how can I be a part of that world?
44:36
And, and, and, and plant these seeds of how to discover your
44:41
identity, how to find peace? What is it to be a male man?
44:44
What is it to be a basketball player?
44:47
What's next? Are you done playing ball?
44:49
How about we take your, your skills and give it to the next
44:51
generation behind us? How can we train the next, the
44:54
next generation of basketball players?
44:57
Maybe the stuff that you went through, your stories, your
44:59
testimony can help another player, another family member,
45:03
right? So it got it got carried away
45:06
into that and wanted to have these three teams and have these
45:10
players develop and grow. So it became a basketball
45:13
ministry and and that ABA platform, it's just one vehicle
45:17
to get one of the messages out, you know, through my basketball
45:20
identity, if I could say it that way.
45:23
So I'm having a blast. It's it's a lot of work because
45:26
of the ABA owner. You, you own the territory, but
45:30
you've got to find sponsors, you got to find players, you got to
45:33
find a gym to play like you got to end it.
45:35
And it's all on your cost. So, you know, I, I got and, and
45:40
sometimes pairs don't get played, get paid.
45:43
So now you don't, we don't pay players.
45:45
So then I have to get creative on how a player can at least
45:47
make some kind of money, right? And so all that different
45:50
dynamic. And for those players that want
45:52
to still chase that dream, OK, where you want to go?
45:55
You want to go play ball overseas, you want to go where
45:58
you, where you trying to get to? And so the ABA is a stepping
46:00
stone between the NBA and the G League and and overseas we're
46:06
like right below overseas. So a player can come to us,
46:10
still get stats, still gets, you know, workout professional level
46:14
basketball and take that and take that information and then
46:18
take that to an agent and, and maybe go get picked up overseas
46:21
and play. So we're a stepping stone for
46:23
that next level for those athletes who who may not made it
46:28
to the professional in the NBA, but still want to play ball
46:31
overseas. People don't realize you can
46:32
have a great career overseas playing basketball.
46:36
Yeah, there's, there's a lot of US players in basketball,
46:40
baseball, all other kinds of sports that go overseas to play
46:44
and and do quite well. I was watching this story the
46:47
other day and talking about it was a girl talking about her
46:51
father and he had gone over to Ireland to play and it was big
46:54
over there. So I was like, oh, I didn't
46:56
really think about that. You know, the connection to
46:59
sports and then playing overseas and being successful over there.
47:03
I hadn't really given that much thought.
47:04
But you're right, that is an opportunity, opportunity that
47:07
people can, you know, maybe so it's, it's like, you know, you,
47:11
you have a vision for yourself and you want certain things.
47:15
And if you don't get what you want exactly, then it, you know,
47:18
like the world's over. Right, exactly.
47:21
But if you set yourself up to say, OK, well, I didn't get on
47:24
this stage, but I'm on this other stage and this is cool
47:26
too. So you have to look at what is
47:28
the good part of what you have in front of you.
47:31
So, but but you know, that's, that's, that's that's the part
47:34
that we got to go back again to our to our children, to our
47:39
childhood, right? Because a lot of times the
47:44
pressures of life of a child who doesn't really understand what
47:48
it is to be an adult or whatever it would be when you grow up.
47:51
I want to be a fireman. I want to be a basketball
47:52
player. Like all these.
47:53
This is great, you know, but at at some point, what happens when
47:58
that child's heart is broken from that mom and dad, right?
48:02
And then and then whatever that disconnection is, or I was a
48:05
latchkey kid in 1978, so my mom never abandoned me, but an 8
48:11
year old, my perception of time as an 8 year old, I had no
48:14
perception of time. But I felt like that, that story
48:19
that I made-up about my mother that day when she gave me the
48:23
key around the shoestring and she put it on my neck and said,
48:25
here's the keys department. I'm leaving you When you come
48:28
home, lock the door, don't go outside, don't turn the oven on.
48:30
Don't answer. Like all I heard mom, all I
48:33
heard my mom say was I'm leaving you.
48:34
And the, and the pain that I had in my gut at 8 years old and my
48:39
brain, well, why did you come and get me from my grandmother's
48:42
house? I could have stayed at mama's
48:44
house. Oh, I can't trust.
48:46
I can't trust her like I'm my mind made-up these stories to
48:52
survive that pain that said Oh my Mama bent my mom.
48:57
I can't trust my mother. But guess what?
48:59
I can't trust my mother represented all women from that
49:03
8 year old decision. So when I got when I got a
49:07
girlfriend growing up and I felt that pain in my gut, my mind is
49:13
like, Oh yeah, remember she's going to leave you.
49:15
Remember your mom left. Remember, remember that pain?
49:17
Oh, that pain is connected to your mom abandoned you.
49:19
So guess what I would do? I would sabotage that
49:21
relationship because I believe my thoughts were me and those
49:28
body sensations was telling me this is a sign that that girl is
49:33
going to leave you because it reminds you of the pain.
49:35
But I didn't. But we don't think about that in
49:37
the moment. We don't even remember those
49:39
stories half the time. We just know that how I feel, I
49:43
don't never want to feel that pain, like I never want to feel
49:46
that pain again. But we don't realize as adults
49:50
we play that out in our life. We acted out in our adult life.
49:54
And then we wonder why our life is the way it is.
49:58
In a way, it's not because we got mom.
50:01
Like we do have mom and daddy issues like we do.
50:04
Like we really do if we tell the truth.
50:06
Right. Yeah.
50:08
And all that is all that. So imagine a child.
50:12
So the the child, the child's sense of belong, our sense of
50:15
belonging is fractured not in our adult life, but it's, it's
50:19
fractured in our child life, in our childhood ages.
50:24
You might have a parent that says, you know, don't talk to me
50:27
like that. I'm the parent, you're the
50:28
child, you're disrespectful to me, but the child's trying to
50:31
ask questions and talk to you. But a lot of us grew up in homes
50:34
that so one way conversation. I'm the parent and you're the
50:37
child and you don't get to speak to me.
50:38
You don't get no input. But guess what?
50:41
Some children need information. I needed information.
50:44
I was an emotional child. So transition and change for me
50:48
was emotional. And when I didn't get the
50:50
information, I made my own story about it.
50:53
And now my truth became my story.
50:55
Now when you try to tell me what really happened because I've
51:00
been, I got a snow. I filled in the blanks.
51:04
Yeah. So now my truth is my and now
51:06
it's like, and so now I'm I battle with with my stories and
51:12
what really happened. Wow.
51:15
And and that was up until I was 40 years old.
51:20
That's amazing that you've come to that realization now at this
51:23
point, you know, because a lot of us will never maybe resolve
51:27
some of our issues from the past and realize where they come
51:30
from. Some of us will do the work to
51:32
the hard, the hard work of finding out where all these
51:35
things come about and how we get through them or around them or
51:39
past them. But it's really amazing that
51:42
you've come to this place and that you're doing all this work
51:44
around mental health and then around, you know, willing
51:49
people's cups up basically is what you're doing by offering
51:52
different things about empowerment and about solution
51:57
oriented messaging. You know, where you you can get
52:02
better, you can move on. You can be who you want to be
52:06
and how you want to be, but it takes the work.
52:09
If you're not willing to work, then you you know you're going
52:12
to stay stuck, right? And it's that emotional, it's
52:15
that emotional pain though. And that's, that's, that's,
52:19
that's where, you know, I say on the other side of it, if you, if
52:23
you do that work in, in an environment that nurtures that
52:26
conversation, all the stuff that I discovered, Terry, when I
52:31
really told the truth and looked at it, I laughed at myself
52:34
because I'm like, you got to be kidding me.
52:36
Like, you mean my mind made that like I wasn't even mad at my.
52:40
Now I did cry. Now there's some stuff that I
52:42
cried to release the, to release it.
52:44
But a lot of stuff that I discovered, I was like, you got
52:47
to be kidding me because I did it in an environment that was,
52:51
we talked about a safe space, right?
52:54
We have to create that safe space.
52:55
And in those spaces that I trust, those curriculums and
52:59
those conversations, it was like, you got to be kidding me.
53:02
Like I like, I just laughed at myself.
53:05
Like you got to like, I made that up.
53:07
I, I, I could tell the truth at the end and say, I, I made that
53:12
story up. And it is not, it is.
53:13
And what I did was I went to my mom and dad for their
53:17
perspective and their perception and interpretations.
53:20
Then I was like, Oh my gosh, I've made like, there's a whole
53:25
nother story that I didn't even know about.
53:28
So then how can I be mad? How can I say my dad didn't love
53:31
me and my mom abandoned me when they had me?
53:33
They were 1920 years old when they had me.
53:36
They were babies when I was born.
53:39
And here I am at 40 years old trying to figure out what is to
53:41
be a man at 40 and I'm mad at my parents and they were babies.
53:45
So then I had that space. Just that space was enough to
53:48
give me compassion for my mom and my dad for all the stuff
53:51
that they went through growing up and, and how their life was
53:55
as children growing up. Because now I'm looking at my
53:57
life as a child and it's like, so I went to my parents for
54:00
forgiveness. I asked my mom and dad to
54:02
forgive me for how I treated them in my adult life because I
54:07
was like, I treated them terrible as an adult.
54:11
But my first, it was a from a child, a mind of a child.
54:14
Like of course, like there's no way I can hold on to that
54:17
anymore. That was like, there's no way
54:20
that those stories were I could, I could not blame them for
54:23
anything anymore anymore. Wow, that's powerful.
54:28
It is. And I bet your parents were very
54:31
happy to have that conversation with you and kind of walk
54:34
through that because they may or may not have understood why you
54:37
were upset or why you didn't want to talk to them or why you
54:40
were acting the way you were. Because a lot of times we don't
54:43
tell somebody why we're acting a particular way.
54:46
We just act that way. They start going, well, why?
54:49
What's happening? What's the story here?
54:52
You know, they don't know or or maybe they do know, but they
54:55
don't know how to fix it, you know, But a lot of times they
54:57
don't know what you're mad about or why you're acting the way you
55:00
are. They just know you are.
55:03
Yeah. Until we really have those
55:05
difficult conversations, those tough conversations, we're not
55:08
going to make any progress. So.
55:11
And and, and then Terry, after I hang with my parents, I want, I
55:14
want parents. And this is what I talk at Youth
55:17
Sunday at my cousin's church, New York Christian Church.
55:20
As parents, we disappoint our children.
55:23
We do, we do disappoint our children.
55:25
So what I did, Terry, was I went to my three daughters in the
55:29
same space that I created for me to go to my parents.
55:32
I created the space for my daughters to come to me to tell
55:34
me how they felt about me. Because I had did the same thing
55:37
that my parents did to me, to my three daughters.
55:40
And I had broken relations with my daughter and I had hurt my
55:45
daughters emotionally. And to be able to go back to my
55:48
three daughters and allow them to tell each one told me how
55:51
they felt about me. I got cursed out.
55:54
I mean, I got a lot of things and I and I and I told my, I
55:57
told them I'm not going to defend myself.
55:59
I just want you to tell me how you feel about me.
56:02
And I let them express themselves.
56:04
And each one was able to get to the space of emptiness and, and
56:09
I was like, OK, I'm not, I'm not even going to try to defend
56:13
myself. And none of what you said.
56:15
I'm asking you today, today, at this moment, can you forgive me
56:19
and allow me to be your father? Because I wasn't your father.
56:22
I don't even, I wasn't a parent. So allow me today, if you can
56:26
forgive me, to let me be your father today.
56:29
And each one of them gave me their answers.
56:31
Wow. That's impactful.
56:36
You know, you really made a difference for them and what
56:39
they choose chose to do with it. It was their their option.
56:43
Exactly. But you gave them the space and
56:45
the freedom and the opportunity. And really that's what we should
56:48
do is to allow people to heal and allow people to say how they
56:53
feel and how you know how things are for them and how they're
56:56
perceived. And until they're able to do
56:59
that, they can't move on. So that was powerful that you
57:01
did for your children and you did for yourself and your
57:04
parents. And so that's really awesome.
57:07
Wow, that. That's the work.
57:09
That's, that's but Terry, that's the work.
57:13
That's the work that we want to bring to the table.
57:16
That's the work that we want to partner with organizations.
57:20
You want to thank us for our service.
57:21
These are the conversations that we need.
57:23
We need support in on How do we really get to the root?
57:27
There's nothing wrong with coping mechanism skills, but,
57:31
but there's, there are curriculums and conversations
57:33
that if you're willing to go to the root of it, you can really
57:37
get to the root of conversations and start doing the work.
57:40
Because sometimes those coping mechanisms like I'm, I'm, I re
57:47
signed up for the VA for mental health classes again, because
57:50
after I peeled off that 2 year old layer, I realized that
57:55
there's some things that I, because I've been suppressed for
57:57
54 years, I got a whole nother layer showed up now and it's
58:02
like, Oh my gosh, like I don't even know.
58:05
I don't even know what my values are.
58:07
I don't even know what my goal. Like I'm doing a lot of stuff,
58:10
but a lot of stuff that I'm up to, as I share with you, because
58:13
my dad passed away. So a lot of stuff in that space
58:17
of my dad passing, another decision I made was that I'm
58:24
done. And I so I realized that for
58:29
Ron, I got to watch what I say out of my mouth, like out loud,
58:33
because my mind, my mind is listening and whatever I say,
58:37
whatever I say, it's going to look.
58:39
And, and so when I said that when my dad passed and I told
58:42
my, when I hung up the phone from his caregiver and she found
58:45
my dad and I'm like, I hung up the phone and I remember
58:48
standing at the, at the TV Academy school and I'm like, I'm
58:52
done. Like I was, I was, I was ready
58:54
to quit everything. And I didn't realize that
58:58
decision until seven years later into my grief of my dad, that my
59:04
identity was trapped in me saying that I'm done because my
59:08
mind started collecting proof to quit.
59:12
I wanted to quit. Let me take a year.
59:14
Let me just take a year. But, but Terry, if I would have
59:18
quit, people would have been like, well, he is, it makes
59:21
sense because his dad died. It makes sense.
59:24
That's what, that's what we, that's what people do.
59:27
They, we, you know, we shut down when our parents, when our
59:29
parents passed. But I caught myself.
59:32
But I was, I was in that mind, in that battle of my mind of my
59:35
dad's grief. So I had, I have filled up a lot
59:38
of, I had like 5 talk shows. I had like the basketball stuff.
59:43
Like I I started filling up all this space, but it was never
59:46
going to fill that void, Terry. Right.
59:48
It was never going to fill that void.
59:52
Well, I hate to end on this note, but we're right at our
59:54
time. So for Ron?
59:55
Thank you so much. For coming on and I really
59:58
appreciate the conversation and we'll have to have a Part 2.
1:00:01
Definitely, I will be back in again for my brothers and
1:00:03
sisters in the arms. Cognitive behavior therapy,
1:00:06
That's all I can recommend. Everything that I've shared is a
1:00:08
good thing. All right.
1:00:10
Well, this is Trisha Round signing off.
1:00:12
Thank you. Thank you so much.
1:00:14
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