Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 460. Do I stay or do I go? (Headnoise)

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460. Do I stay or do I go? (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:18
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:21
Speaker 1: So today is a head Noise episode Head Noise, and
0:24
Speaker 1: this is where you guys send in your voice messages,
0:27
Speaker 1: your drama, everything that's going on in your life. And
0:30
Speaker 1: we tried to kind of like unpack it all in
0:34
Speaker 1: the episode, and I kind I don't know. I just
0:36
Speaker 1: like I feel like it's a bit of a conversation,
0:38
Speaker 1: especially this one this week, because it is a voice
0:41
Speaker 1: head noise conversation. You guys know how much I love
0:44
Speaker 1: your voices. It's like, yeah, I just feel like we're
0:46
Speaker 1: having a conversation. So let's get straight into it because
0:49
Speaker 1: I want to get through four and I'm not going
0:53
Speaker 1: to fuck around with any life updates because we're getting
0:57
Speaker 1: straight into it. There's a lot to unpack today. Also,
1:01
Speaker 1: keep it coming in thick and hot with the titles,
1:04
Speaker 1: because I love a good title. This one is like
1:07
Speaker 1: mother like Daughter.
1:10
Speaker 2: Hi, Alexis Love Love Love the pod. Thank you so
1:13
Speaker 2: appreciative of it and of you. My question today is
1:17
Speaker 2: about spending time with family who still have behaviors or
1:23
Speaker 2: personality traits that you once had or that I once had,
1:27
Speaker 2: and you're working to change them, and how to create
1:30
Speaker 2: space without ruining the relationship, but still protecting your own development.
1:37
Speaker 2: So I grew up in a home with an alcoholic dad,
1:40
Speaker 2: which led to some codependency, some overreaction, some enabling behaviors.
1:46
Speaker 2: My mom has a lot of the same characteristics, and
1:51
Speaker 2: I have been spending the last handful of years in
1:54
Speaker 2: therapy and meditation and working on changing some of these behaviors,
1:59
Speaker 2: and I've been pretty sissful. But when I spend time
2:02
Speaker 2: with my mom and she still exhibits these behaviors, maybe
2:05
Speaker 2: even to a more extreme bend, is very triggering for me,
2:10
Speaker 2: and so it makes it hard to spend much quality
2:13
Speaker 2: time together. We have to stay pretty surfaced or keep
2:15
Speaker 2: our visits pretty short, or it creates an emotional reaction
2:20
Speaker 2: for me. I'm curious if you have any thoughts on
2:22
Speaker 2: how to still value and maintain the relationship. I adore
2:25
Speaker 2: my mom and love spending time with her, but still
2:28
Speaker 2: protect myself in this process as I'm trying to heal
2:32
Speaker 2: and change some of these personality traits that I've developed
2:35
Speaker 2: that are not serving me.
2:36
Speaker 1: Thank you, Okay, that is a very good question. Firstly,
2:43
Speaker 1: congratulations for doing the work and you know where you're
2:46
Speaker 1: at on your journey and how you're going to continue
2:48
Speaker 1: to grow. That's really really cool. I think the thing
2:53
Speaker 1: that you have to prioritize, number one, and the thing
2:55
Speaker 1: that you probably have to acknowledge number one, is that
2:57
Speaker 1: you're not done on this journey of yours. It seems
2:59
Speaker 1: like even you're doing quite well, it's still relatively early
3:02
Speaker 1: on in the piece because it's still something that you said,
3:04
Speaker 1: it's quite triggering. It's not something that's like so far
3:07
Speaker 1: in the past that you can't like. It still brings
3:10
Speaker 1: up all these things. You're really working through it, and
3:11
Speaker 1: you're putting in a lot of time and effort to
3:13
Speaker 1: do that, and it's not easy, as you would know.
3:16
Speaker 1: So I think number one, you have to really prioritize
3:22
Speaker 1: your kind of peace, your mental health, that space, and
3:26
Speaker 1: that is going to mean that you have to put
3:29
Speaker 1: some really strict boundaries in place, and you've got to
3:31
Speaker 1: determine what's that sweet spot of time that you're going
3:34
Speaker 1: to spend with your mum, what other conversations that we
3:37
Speaker 1: can talk about versus we can't. One thing that I
3:39
Speaker 1: don't think you are doing it, But one thing that
3:41
Speaker 1: you've got to really step away from is It is
3:43
Speaker 1: not my job to inspire them or change them, or
3:45
Speaker 1: try and get them to do the journey that I've
3:48
Speaker 1: been doing or any of that which you didn't say
3:50
Speaker 1: you were doing. But just make sure that you're not
3:52
Speaker 1: kind of bleeding those lines and thinking, oh, maybe I'll
3:55
Speaker 1: have more fun with them if I try and get
3:56
Speaker 1: them to do it. Like at the end of the day,
3:59
Speaker 1: the only thing you can do is lead by example,
4:00
Speaker 1: But you can't really try and get them to change
4:03
Speaker 1: or go down the path that you've gone down. So,
4:05
Speaker 1: while it's early days and while it's still quite triggering,
4:08
Speaker 1: you are going to need to keep a particular amount
4:12
Speaker 1: of distance from your mother. It's not saying don't hang
4:14
Speaker 1: out with her, and it's not saying cut forms of
4:16
Speaker 1: communication with her, not at all, but it's deciding when
4:21
Speaker 1: is it normally that I feel the most triggered. Are
4:24
Speaker 1: there certain locations that are going to trigger you the most?
4:26
Speaker 3: Is it?
4:27
Speaker 1: You know, when you go out for dinner, Maybe when
4:29
Speaker 1: you go shopping together, it's different. Maybe when you've got
4:31
Speaker 1: something that you can be focusing on a task that
4:32
Speaker 1: you're doing together, it's less likely that it's going to
4:35
Speaker 1: trigger you start getting quite specific on the outings that
4:38
Speaker 1: really work well for you guys as a dynamic, and
4:40
Speaker 1: the ones that don't. Yet, eventually you probably will get
4:43
Speaker 1: to the point where you could likely hang out with
4:46
Speaker 1: her and just see her for who she is, with
4:48
Speaker 1: the behaviors that she has, with the you know, substance
4:52
Speaker 1: addictions that she may have, or substance like where she
4:55
Speaker 1: might abuse certain substances alcohol and all of that, and
4:58
Speaker 1: you be like, you know what, that that's her and
5:00
Speaker 1: I can actually be around her and not be that bad.
5:03
Speaker 1: But right now, I think it's really important that you
5:05
Speaker 1: do prioritize that and maintain your distance. If you maintain
5:09
Speaker 1: your distance in a healthy way and be quite stingy
5:13
Speaker 1: with the times that you do choose to see her
5:14
Speaker 1: at the moment, then there will be no resentment. You
5:17
Speaker 1: will feel like you're really healing at the right pace,
5:20
Speaker 1: and you'll be able to really enjoy. Because you said
5:23
Speaker 1: you like hanging out with your mom. You want to
5:24
Speaker 1: continue enjoying hanging out with your mom. If you go
5:27
Speaker 1: too hard, too fast, trying to act like it's not
5:29
Speaker 1: a problem, it's going to become a problem and you're
5:31
Speaker 1: going to feel really, really conflicted. And then you're going
5:33
Speaker 1: to resent your mother, okay, which you obviously don't want
5:36
Speaker 1: to do, so that would be my advice to you.
5:38
Speaker 1: You start small, start with shorter timeframes. When you do
5:42
Speaker 1: hang out with your mom, don't make it an open
5:44
Speaker 1: ended thing so that way you don't feel the pressure.
5:46
Speaker 1: Say let's have a coffee before I have to go
5:49
Speaker 1: to X y Z. Let's do whatever. I mean, I
5:51
Speaker 1: don't know how close she lives or whatever. I don't
5:52
Speaker 1: at the dynamic, but try and set it up in
5:54
Speaker 1: a way that you're doing like pockets of quality time,
5:57
Speaker 1: and then you can start to extend that out as
5:59
Speaker 1: you progress on your healing journey. So hopefully that helped.
6:02
Speaker 1: But congratulations on the journey that you have been going on.
6:07
Speaker 4: All right, Next one good day Alexis I love the Pod.
6:11
Speaker 3: I'm a young Aussie trade from Melbourne.
6:15
Speaker 4: I was seeing this girl for about two to three
6:17
Speaker 4: months and I was seeing her three or four days
6:19
Speaker 4: a week, so everything was moving really quickly. Met a
6:22
Speaker 4: family after a month, went away there after a month.
6:25
Speaker 3: Somethings just went really quickly.
6:26
Speaker 4: But I just thought that was the flower things A
6:29
Speaker 4: better month ago, she sends me a message and says, hey,
6:32
Speaker 4: we need some space. I'm getting a bit overwhelmed and
6:38
Speaker 4: they've let my feelings catch up with myself.
6:39
Speaker 3: I said, that's all right. So I didn't talk for
6:42
Speaker 3: about a week.
6:42
Speaker 4: We went Cold Turkey, and then she went to Bali
6:45
Speaker 4: and was talked for about two days. While she was
6:47
Speaker 4: over there, she reached out, and then when she came back,
6:50
Speaker 4: I was like, hey, let's catch up when you come back.
6:51
Speaker 3: I got a bit to say, but I want to
6:54
Speaker 3: do it in person, not over text.
6:57
Speaker 4: We made a lot of plans over New Years in Christmas,
7:00
Speaker 4: everything is just really full on, and I was really
7:03
Speaker 4: excited about that, and she goes, hey, I can see
7:07
Speaker 4: where this conversation is going to go.
7:09
Speaker 3: Let's just call it you.
7:10
Speaker 4: I really want to reach out and try to rekindle
7:12
Speaker 4: things and make boundaries so we don't end up doing
7:16
Speaker 4: what we just did. But at the same time, my
7:19
Speaker 4: head's telling me no, but my heart is telling me yes.
7:22
Speaker 4: I just don't know what to do. I don't know
7:24
Speaker 4: if it's the right decision. I know I'm very much
7:27
Speaker 4: stuck in a limerence state that we haven't spoken for
7:30
Speaker 4: about two weeks. I just don't know what to do.
7:32
Speaker 4: If it's the right decision to reach out or not.
7:35
Speaker 3: I just need some advice.
7:36
Speaker 1: Please, great question. Thank you so much for sending that in.
7:40
Speaker 1: And also I love how self aware you are where
7:43
Speaker 1: you're able to ask yourself, is this limerens?
7:47
Speaker 3: Like?
7:47
Speaker 1: Could it be something where I'm just falling in love
7:49
Speaker 1: with the idea of this person when in reality it
7:51
Speaker 1: was a relatively short lived relationship. Okay, so it might
7:55
Speaker 1: be you know, there's factors of it that could be limerns.
7:58
Speaker 1: But at the same time, like your question is is
8:00
Speaker 1: it worth reaching out, you know and asking her and
8:06
Speaker 1: maybe trying to rekindle things and doing something about this.
8:09
Speaker 1: So I think in order to answer that question, you
8:11
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself more questions. So the first the
8:15
Speaker 1: first one is when you look at the relationship that
8:19
Speaker 1: you had, how much of the time that you spent
8:22
Speaker 1: with her? Can you really say I was really getting
8:26
Speaker 1: to know her character, we were really compatible, you know,
8:29
Speaker 1: on like a relationship kind of level, versus I was
8:32
Speaker 1: getting swept up in the idea of having this you know,
8:36
Speaker 1: long term relationship girlfriend, you know, like it was full
8:39
Speaker 1: on exciting, Like how much like when you look back
8:41
Speaker 1: and if someone was to say, what do you really
8:44
Speaker 1: enjoy about her personality. How does she make you feel?
8:47
Speaker 1: What are the traits in her that make you say, yep,
8:50
Speaker 1: that's a keeper that will start to pull apart? Is
8:53
Speaker 1: it Limerence? Was I falling in love with the idea
8:55
Speaker 1: but really I didn't know her that well? Or you'll
8:57
Speaker 1: let you know. Actually, no, I was actually getting to
8:59
Speaker 1: know her quite well. We did share these conversations these moments,
9:02
Speaker 1: is whatever, So that's the first one that you're going
9:04
Speaker 1: to start to really pull apart. Or I was actually
9:07
Speaker 1: just like swept up in the idea but it was
9:10
Speaker 1: all just us doing fun things. But we really I
9:12
Speaker 1: didn't really like fall in love with our character yet. Okay.
9:15
Speaker 1: The other thing you've got to ask yourself is what
9:19
Speaker 1: is it that I'm that I am ultimately aiming to
9:22
Speaker 1: achieve here when I reach out to her? Is it
9:26
Speaker 1: that I want an answer regardless? Because if that's the case,
9:30
Speaker 1: I think it's perfectly healthy to reach out. If you're
9:33
Speaker 1: thinking I'm only willing to reach out if I think
9:36
Speaker 1: that it's only going to be us getting back together,
9:38
Speaker 1: everything's going to be fine, and I'm terrified to reach
9:40
Speaker 1: out for any other reason, then I think you're harboring,
9:43
Speaker 1: maybe too much, fear too much, maybe is limeerents and
9:47
Speaker 1: you don't want to hear the no, and that's why
9:48
Speaker 1: you're like, should I not? But if you're saying, you
9:51
Speaker 1: know what, I am okay with any answer that comes
9:54
Speaker 1: my way. I'm okay with whatever the outcome. But I
9:57
Speaker 1: think having the conversation is going to be a really
10:00
Speaker 1: good way for both of us to either open the
10:02
Speaker 1: you know, open the door again, or close a chapter
10:04
Speaker 1: in a really healthy way. Then I would reach out, okay,
10:06
Speaker 1: because I think that whenever possible, it is always really
10:10
Speaker 1: good to have a healthy conversation, even if it's the
10:13
Speaker 1: end of a relationship. It's really nice to have that
10:15
Speaker 1: healthy conversation if possible, if both parties allow it. Okay,
10:18
Speaker 1: I think that it's not always the worst thing in
10:22
Speaker 1: the world. When something goes fast, it's just a potential
10:25
Speaker 1: red flag. So I don't want you to think that
10:27
Speaker 1: because things were going fast, it was the wrong thing.
10:30
Speaker 1: It's just an alarm, Okay. So because if I look
10:33
Speaker 1: at my relationship with Tyrone, it also did go pretty
10:35
Speaker 1: fast at the beginning, so I did see it as
10:37
Speaker 1: an alarm. I was kind of like, just pay attention
10:40
Speaker 1: to his behaviors. Make sure I'm not being bread crumped
10:42
Speaker 1: to make sure all these things, But it doesn't mean
10:44
Speaker 1: that that in and of itself is toxic behavior. Okay,
10:50
Speaker 1: so just be aware, Just have your awareness a little
10:53
Speaker 1: bit heightened and say, Okay, this could have been that
10:58
Speaker 1: it was just you know, an unheal, healthy start, and
11:01
Speaker 1: you know she was things were never going to happen
11:03
Speaker 1: with her. She was love bombing and whatever or not.
11:06
Speaker 1: One thing that I would address with her is I
11:09
Speaker 1: would address do you think that things were going too fast?
11:11
Speaker 1: And do you think that I was pushing it going
11:13
Speaker 1: too fast? Because sometimes two people like you said you
11:16
Speaker 1: thought it was just the flow of things. That very
11:18
Speaker 1: much probably was the case. But she might have interpreted
11:21
Speaker 1: as he wants things to go way too fast, and
11:25
Speaker 1: that's why I need to pull the brakes. And you
11:27
Speaker 1: might have been like, hey, I wasn't driving this thing.
11:29
Speaker 1: I wasn't pressuring you. I just really enjoyed your company,
11:31
Speaker 1: and I read it that you liked my company, so
11:34
Speaker 1: that's why we were hanging out so much. So I
11:35
Speaker 1: think that's something that would be really important to clarify,
11:38
Speaker 1: because you could say I'm happy to take things slower.
11:40
Speaker 1: I'm happy to you know. You know, maybe maybe we
11:43
Speaker 1: just didn't communicate on the pace that we wanted to
11:45
Speaker 1: take it at the beginning, and you got the impression
11:47
Speaker 1: that I was trying to force this into being this
11:49
Speaker 1: really fast thing. Maybe she's been a relationship in the
11:52
Speaker 1: past where really fast equaled a toxic relationship and she
11:56
Speaker 1: was pulling the brakes just to protect herself. So I
11:58
Speaker 1: think it's really important. If I were you personally and
12:01
Speaker 1: you ask yourself all these questions and you don't think
12:03
Speaker 1: it's limerents and there was like a decent connection, I
12:05
Speaker 1: would reach out, but I would reach out in the
12:07
Speaker 1: sense of, hey, you know, would you be open to
12:10
Speaker 1: having a conversation regardless of where this ends up. I
12:12
Speaker 1: think it would be really nice to get together and
12:14
Speaker 1: talk just so we can understand where our heads are at,
12:17
Speaker 1: regardless of what happens moving forward. I would love to
12:20
Speaker 1: hear what you have to say, and I would love
12:21
Speaker 1: the opportunity for you to hear what I have to say.
12:24
Speaker 1: That way, it keeps it super open ended. That way,
12:26
Speaker 1: she's not feeling like, oh my god, if I meet up,
12:29
Speaker 1: then I'm kind of either tied down into feeling really
12:32
Speaker 1: guilty or tied down into feeling like I have to
12:34
Speaker 1: return or not or whatever. You really make it like
12:37
Speaker 1: a very safe space for her to enter in this
12:41
Speaker 1: conversation with you. Okay, So I don't think it's the
12:45
Speaker 1: worst thing in the world to actually reach out and
12:47
Speaker 1: have that conversation. But also, if you are going to
12:49
Speaker 1: reach out, you've got to be prepared for all three outcomes.
12:52
Speaker 1: I always say this, if you're ever going to reach
12:53
Speaker 1: out for contact with somebody, you've got to be really
12:56
Speaker 1: at peace with the three outcomes. Outcome number one, you're ghosted,
12:58
Speaker 1: they do not reply at all. Outcome number two, it's
13:01
Speaker 1: a positive reply, the one you want. Of course you're
13:03
Speaker 1: going to be prepared for that. And Outcome number three,
13:05
Speaker 1: it's a negative reply she replies in a way that
13:07
Speaker 1: either is unexpected or one that you did expect but
13:10
Speaker 1: you didn't want. Okay, So if you're genuinely at peace
13:13
Speaker 1: with any of those three outcomes, then you can I
13:15
Speaker 1: think you should reach out. Hopefully that helped, and hopefully
13:18
Speaker 1: you do have you know, like also like coming into
13:21
Speaker 1: the end of the year, I know you are the
13:22
Speaker 1: only one that could create your own closure. But coming
13:24
Speaker 1: into the end of the year. I think it's nice
13:26
Speaker 1: for you to get a clear, clean cut answer because
13:29
Speaker 1: I personally I know it's just a date and it
13:31
Speaker 1: doesn't really matter. But it is holidays. You're spending time
13:33
Speaker 1: with family, with friends, You're probably going to be going away.
13:36
Speaker 1: It's nice to not have these loose ends that are
13:39
Speaker 1: kind of not tended to going into this season. So yeah,
13:42
Speaker 1: I have the conversation why not? All right? Thank you
13:46
Speaker 1: for sending that in sense next one.
13:56
Speaker 5: Hey, Lexus, thank you for your podcast.
13:59
Speaker 3: It is me.
14:00
Speaker 5: The whole world is benefiting from you, so I think
14:02
Speaker 5: that is awesome. And congratulations on the twins as well.
14:06
Speaker 5: That's so exciting. I am a twenty two year business owner.
14:10
Speaker 5: I have a music school which I started myself whilst
14:12
Speaker 5: completing my music degree, and that's kind of been like
14:15
Speaker 5: the whole focus of my life this year. I've been
14:17
Speaker 5: really just working on developing it. More students, more teachers,
14:21
Speaker 5: and it's going really well and it's paying off. In
14:23
Speaker 5: the mornings, I kind of like go to the gym
14:25
Speaker 5: and have a bit of downtime. I get stuffed down
14:27
Speaker 5: around my house, but I sort of feel guilty that
14:30
Speaker 5: I'm not studying anymore, and I'm not really working towards anything.
14:33
Speaker 5: I know, I'm still young, but I just feel this
14:37
Speaker 5: lack of achievement because you know, I'm not like working
14:40
Speaker 5: towards a goal anymore. And I also feel like my
14:43
Speaker 5: social life is kind of taking a hit because I'm
14:45
Speaker 5: working in the afternoon, so whenever one is at work,
14:48
Speaker 5: I'm off, and vice versa. So just want a bit
14:50
Speaker 5: of advice so I can sort of feel that like void,
14:52
Speaker 5: the social void, and also that like achievement, like lack
14:56
Speaker 5: of achievement void that I have right now. I've grown
15:00
Speaker 5: up in a Mediterranean family, so I have, you know,
15:03
Speaker 5: always had that mentality of like, work hard, work hard,
15:06
Speaker 5: and then sometimes when we rest, we feel guilty for it,
15:09
Speaker 5: which I don't even know you know why that happens.
15:11
Speaker 5: I guess it's just the cultural stereotype. But yeah, just
15:16
Speaker 5: any advice and sort of how to break away from
15:18
Speaker 5: feeling like this lack of achievement and just you know
15:22
Speaker 5: that lack of sort of social connection would be great.
15:24
Speaker 5: Thank you.
15:25
Speaker 1: Okay, firstly, congratulations on having your own business at twenty two.
15:28
Speaker 1: That's amazing. Now let's first talk about the achievement side.
15:35
Speaker 1: Of things and how you feel towards like achieving a goal.
15:38
Speaker 1: If you're just relaxing, are you being lazy that kind
15:41
Speaker 1: of mentality, because there's two things that could be going
15:44
Speaker 1: on here. You could actually, genuinely, if there wasn't the
15:47
Speaker 1: guilt side of it, be enjoying the facts that your
15:49
Speaker 1: plate isn't too full and that you do have time
15:52
Speaker 1: to rest during the day when you're not working, and
15:54
Speaker 1: that's maybe a pocket of your time that you could
15:56
Speaker 1: feel doing things for yourself, whether it be know, a hobby, exercising,
16:01
Speaker 1: going for walks, whatever, just relaxing in general, and then
16:05
Speaker 1: you work later or whatever it is that you want
16:08
Speaker 1: to fill that time with. But if you're feeling so sorry,
16:11
Speaker 1: you could be feeling guilty for not doing anything productive
16:14
Speaker 1: quote unquote because of that cultural expectation that you've got
16:17
Speaker 1: to be busy all the time and achieving all the time.
16:19
Speaker 1: But you might also be feeling I want to be
16:23
Speaker 1: growing and achieving because maybe you're somebody that never really
16:27
Speaker 1: stops as in as far as you know, studying and
16:31
Speaker 1: learning and growth, and that's not a guilt thing. So
16:33
Speaker 1: you need to learn what, like, how do I pull
16:35
Speaker 1: these two things apart, because what if I've just got
16:38
Speaker 1: a desire to continue growing my mind learning things. What
16:43
Speaker 1: if I don't want to plateau plateaux mind you plateau
16:46
Speaker 1: in quite unquote, that's not a bad thing. You might
16:48
Speaker 1: be like, I've found what I found, I fucking love it.
16:51
Speaker 1: Now I can just create balance in my life. Now
16:53
Speaker 1: I can have time to myself, I can have this,
16:55
Speaker 1: I can have social and I love it, okay, And
16:57
Speaker 1: then until maybe years down the line, I might change
17:00
Speaker 1: anything about that. That's perfectly fine, and you'll find a
17:03
Speaker 1: lot of mental peace with having a life like that. However,
17:06
Speaker 1: you might be someone like a lot of people are,
17:09
Speaker 1: where this mental intellectual growth is a huge component of
17:13
Speaker 1: what makes you fulfilled in life. And like guilt, aside
17:16
Speaker 1: from your family and whatever, it's just something that you
17:18
Speaker 1: really enjoy. So you might be someone that gets fulfilled
17:21
Speaker 1: by learning something. So you really want to ask yourself
17:23
Speaker 1: because if you're just restless, being like I feel bad
17:26
Speaker 1: doing something, but I don't know what else I want
17:27
Speaker 1: to do, that might just be guilt. But if you
17:30
Speaker 1: feel like, oh, I can think of a million things
17:32
Speaker 1: that i'd want to study, and I might not be
17:33
Speaker 1: able to pinpoint exactly what right now, But maybe it
17:35
Speaker 1: would be cool to maybe expand on this or a
17:38
Speaker 1: study something completely different to my music business or something
17:42
Speaker 1: along the lines of it. Or maybe I could be,
17:44
Speaker 1: you know, growing more in this area. And if that's
17:46
Speaker 1: the case, then I would encourage you to continue to
17:48
Speaker 1: grow and to continue to study and to continue to learn,
17:51
Speaker 1: because that's what's going to fulfill you. Okay. But I
17:54
Speaker 1: think you have to identify is it guilt or is
17:57
Speaker 1: it a drive? Because I love to learn. I love
18:01
Speaker 1: to you know, do tests, essays, exams. I really thrive
18:05
Speaker 1: in that energy. I love that. Like what is it? Okay?
18:08
Speaker 1: Because for me personally, if I had the bandwidth, I
18:12
Speaker 1: would be going back to UNI again for sure. Like
18:14
Speaker 1: I love it. And it's not out of the guilt thing.
18:17
Speaker 1: It's just like what other thing call a fucking study
18:20
Speaker 1: And maybe I will in the future, who knows, But
18:22
Speaker 1: that's kind of where I would fall into that category
18:24
Speaker 1: that if I did have the time, i'd do it.
18:25
Speaker 1: But at the same time, there's no guilt around it
18:27
Speaker 1: because if I don't have the time, I'm also not
18:29
Speaker 1: going to force myself to do it. Okay, So is
18:31
Speaker 1: it guilt or is it a driving force number one.
18:34
Speaker 1: And then with the social thing, there's really nothing you
18:37
Speaker 1: can do about your afternoons because that's taken up. But
18:40
Speaker 1: you also don't want to think, oh, well, well, because
18:42
Speaker 1: my afternoons are taken up, I'm just like gonna start
18:44
Speaker 1: falling behind socially with my group of friends. You're gonna
18:48
Speaker 1: have to start locking things in in advance for you
18:53
Speaker 1: to look forward to and for something that you've always
18:55
Speaker 1: got that anchor with your friends that you can kind
18:57
Speaker 1: of you know, whether it's a weekly thing, a fortnightly thing,
19:02
Speaker 1: whatever it is, but something that you're like, I've got
19:04
Speaker 1: that booked in and it's not there's nothing that's going
19:07
Speaker 1: to become before that. I'm not going to prioritize anything
19:10
Speaker 1: before that thing. That's really important that you do that
19:12
Speaker 1: because if you're someone that's not able to normally join
19:15
Speaker 1: into the spontaneous social things that your friends do, that's
19:18
Speaker 1: a it's going to really like eat away at like
19:21
Speaker 1: your confidence within your friendship group and your confidence within
19:24
Speaker 1: your friendships. Okay, so maybe have morning. One thing that
19:27
Speaker 1: my friendship, my friends and I do all the time
19:29
Speaker 1: is the morning coffee before anyone starts work and you know, Okay,
19:32
Speaker 1: I've got the twins now, but even then, I still
19:34
Speaker 1: make it some mornings or you know, every Saturday morning
19:37
Speaker 1: we all go to the markets together and have breakfast. Like,
19:40
Speaker 1: there's things that don't have to be in the evening
19:42
Speaker 1: or the afternoons or whatever. But do something like that.
19:45
Speaker 1: Pick an anchoring thing that you can do with your
19:46
Speaker 1: friends regularly, whether it's on the weekend or the morning
19:50
Speaker 1: or whatever, and really stick to that and really be
19:52
Speaker 1: the one that kind of drives that and reminds people
19:54
Speaker 1: of it invites people that way, You've got that consistency
19:57
Speaker 1: and that regularity with your friends. All right, But congratulations
20:01
Speaker 1: and if you do like relaxing during the day, you
20:05
Speaker 1: already have your business. You've achieved a lot. It doesn't
20:07
Speaker 1: mean that this is the be all end or for
20:08
Speaker 1: the rest of your life, but it can also mean
20:10
Speaker 1: maybe for the next couple of years, you're going to
20:12
Speaker 1: create this awesome balance and there's nothing wrong with that. Okay,
20:16
Speaker 1: thank you so much for sanding that. In last one,
20:20
Speaker 1: it is do I stay or do I go?
20:23
Speaker 6: Hi? Alexis love the podcast, Love you. Congratulations on your
20:28
Speaker 6: two beautiful beans. So exciting. I have a dilemma that
20:32
Speaker 6: I'm hoping you can help me find some clarity on.
20:35
Speaker 6: My boyfriend and I have been together four years. The
20:39
Speaker 6: last twelve months we've been doing long distance. He's from Europe.
20:42
Speaker 6: We met in my hometown here in Australia while he
20:45
Speaker 6: was backpacking. One of the reasons I didn't leave to
20:50
Speaker 6: go to Europe with him the first time was because
20:52
Speaker 6: we'd broken up and gotten back together a couple times before.
20:57
Speaker 6: He had just left, and I struggle with anxiety, a
21:00
Speaker 6: lot of fear. I just wasn't ready to go. He's
21:04
Speaker 6: a really beautiful and caring person. The reason the relationship
21:07
Speaker 6: has been so up and down is just the factor
21:09
Speaker 6: of being from two different places that we love so much,
21:12
Speaker 6: and it's just been hard trying to make that work.
21:17
Speaker 6: The expectation is that I go to his country now
21:21
Speaker 6: or we call time on the relationship, and I'm just
21:24
Speaker 6: so scared to make that leap where our communications not great.
21:28
Speaker 6: Whenever we argue, it feels like we're trying to convince
21:31
Speaker 6: the other person how wrong they are, and I just
21:34
Speaker 6: don't know if I go to the other side of
21:36
Speaker 6: the world try and improve these issues, because there's so
21:40
Speaker 6: much love there or do I cut my losses now
21:44
Speaker 6: when we're on the opposite sides of the earth, I
21:48
Speaker 6: just feel a bit at a loss as to what
21:50
Speaker 6: to do.
21:51
Speaker 1: Great question, and that is a really difficult decision to make, Okay,
21:55
Speaker 1: I think when it comes to relationships, I don't think
21:58
Speaker 1: love is enough. Now I'm not saying that all you
22:00
Speaker 1: have is love and it's it's it's doomed, But you
22:03
Speaker 1: have to answer these question. Love is not enough when
22:06
Speaker 1: it comes to a relationship. There is so much more
22:09
Speaker 1: on top of love. Obviously, love is very important, but
22:12
Speaker 1: on top of love that makes a successful long term relationship.
22:17
Speaker 1: So you need to be asking yourself because you said
22:20
Speaker 1: there's so much love there, so there's no denying that
22:23
Speaker 1: you guys love each other. You've made it clear mutually. Okay,
22:26
Speaker 1: but that's not enough. We need to see if there's
22:29
Speaker 1: the other deep foundations that exist that could really continue
22:33
Speaker 1: that that you can continue to build on so you
22:35
Speaker 1: can have a long term relationship. Because this is you're
22:37
Speaker 1: going to the other side of the world. It's evident
22:39
Speaker 1: that if it wasn't for him, you would have no
22:41
Speaker 1: plans of going there whatsoever, So you would be doing
22:44
Speaker 1: this one hundred percent for him and for the relationship. Okay,
22:48
Speaker 1: which again is fine if you see crazy longevity, if
22:52
Speaker 1: you see this as being like this is like you know,
22:57
Speaker 1: I can't like it's a priceless relationship. It has to
22:59
Speaker 1: be for you because it is the like, the best
23:02
Speaker 1: fucking thing for me. Okay. So, apart from love, what
23:07
Speaker 1: do you need to have? We need emotional compatibility? You
23:10
Speaker 1: need number one. You need to feel that you are
23:13
Speaker 1: on the same part, on the same page. As far
23:15
Speaker 1: as how stable you make the other person feel. Is
23:19
Speaker 1: there this emotional stability where we both strive to make
23:23
Speaker 1: the other person feel stable in that relationship, secure, emotionally secure. Okay?
23:30
Speaker 1: When there is volatility, you've got to ask yourself how
23:33
Speaker 1: do we repair? Because, yes, you mentioned that in an argument,
23:35
Speaker 1: you're trying to prove how wrong the other person is,
23:37
Speaker 1: which is not the best way to argue obviously, But
23:41
Speaker 1: what do you do when you've simmered down and when
23:44
Speaker 1: you're not angry. Are you able to repair healthily? Are
23:47
Speaker 1: you able to kind of calmly rekindle after an argument
23:51
Speaker 1: or is it like let's just brush that under the
23:53
Speaker 1: rug and not address it at all. Because if that's
23:55
Speaker 1: the case, that's that's a problem. So another thing is
24:00
Speaker 1: what is it about his character that I can see
24:04
Speaker 1: long term really enriching my life and also vice versa.
24:08
Speaker 1: But that's for him to answer. You don't have to
24:10
Speaker 1: answer what it is about your character, that's his call.
24:13
Speaker 1: But what is it about his character that I can
24:16
Speaker 1: see it being long term and riching into my life? Okay?
24:19
Speaker 1: Do we share similar ideas for how we want the
24:23
Speaker 1: future of our life to be as far as are
24:25
Speaker 1: we spontaneous? Do we?
24:27
Speaker 3: You know?
24:28
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying you gotta have the same hobbies
24:30
Speaker 1: and all that shit, And I don't believe you have
24:31
Speaker 1: to have the same hobbies. I actually think it's actually
24:33
Speaker 1: beneficial to have certain interests that are separate to each
24:36
Speaker 1: other so that way you maintain a strong sense of
24:38
Speaker 1: your individuality and identity. But we both you know, things
24:42
Speaker 1: that are compatible in the sense of like if one
24:44
Speaker 1: person is a full on homebody and the other person
24:46
Speaker 1: is out all the time, wants to travel, wants to explore,
24:48
Speaker 1: wants to have adventure that might eventually kind of wear
24:51
Speaker 1: one down then the other because you don't have time together. Okay,
24:54
Speaker 1: how do you spend your quality time together. If you're
24:57
Speaker 1: moving to the other side of the world to be
24:59
Speaker 1: with him, you're likely going to be living together. And
25:01
Speaker 1: what does that life look like? You know, you've really
25:03
Speaker 1: got to paint the picture. Once the excitement has died down,
25:06
Speaker 1: once you've moved there, once you've moved in, what does
25:09
Speaker 1: your life look like? Because it's going to be very
25:11
Speaker 1: challenging for you, because you've got to start your life
25:13
Speaker 1: up again from scratch. He came to Australia backpacking, fun, fun, fun, fun,
25:18
Speaker 1: and it's fucking fun right like you've you've come. He
25:20
Speaker 1: didn't expect to come here for a relationship. He came
25:22
Speaker 1: here for an adventure. Then you guys, fell in love.
25:25
Speaker 1: Very different for you to go over there because you're
25:28
Speaker 1: going over there for him. You're not going over there
25:30
Speaker 1: with a free spirit and a free mind to travel,
25:32
Speaker 1: fuck around, meet whoever you want. And then no, it's
25:35
Speaker 1: for him, Okay, So excitement aside, you know, spontaneity aside.
25:41
Speaker 1: Once I'm there and once all the adrenaline has died down,
25:45
Speaker 1: is there enough apart from love that makes me feel
25:48
Speaker 1: I'm going to have a happy life here? Am I
25:51
Speaker 1: going to feel secure? And am I going to feel
25:53
Speaker 1: that there's longevity in the relationship. Is there good repair
25:56
Speaker 1: after we argue? Is there an intention to improve the
25:59
Speaker 1: way that we argue? Do I feel like I want
26:01
Speaker 1: to make his day better on a daily basis? And
26:04
Speaker 1: do I feel that's reciprocated?
26:06
Speaker 4: You know?
26:06
Speaker 1: Because when I wake up, do I think what can
26:09
Speaker 1: I do to make his life easier today? What can I?
26:11
Speaker 1: And do I feel that he feels the same way
26:13
Speaker 1: for me? You know? Do I feel like we've got
26:16
Speaker 1: common goals that we can work towards? Have we addressed
26:19
Speaker 1: if we are long term? Where are we going to
26:20
Speaker 1: live forever? What's that going to look like? Because okay,
26:24
Speaker 1: it might be your turn to go overseas now, but
26:26
Speaker 1: is that the ball end or is that it now
26:28
Speaker 1: you have to live there forever? Like what have you
26:29
Speaker 1: discussed that? So there's so much more than love, And
26:32
Speaker 1: I think that put love aside. If you had an
26:36
Speaker 1: arranged relationship and you could only be together with someone
26:39
Speaker 1: on books and hope that you fell in love, would
26:41
Speaker 1: this be good on the paper on paper, on you know,
26:44
Speaker 1: written down? Would it be good? And if the answer
26:47
Speaker 1: is no, then I would not go. If you're like, oh,
26:50
Speaker 1: I can rattle off the answers to all your questions
26:52
Speaker 1: in a heartbeat. Because even though like we might not
26:54
Speaker 1: have the healthiest way of arguing, we're really good at repair.
26:57
Speaker 1: I've never made he's never made me feel insecure. I
26:59
Speaker 1: feel secure in the relationship. I feel this, I feel that.
27:02
Speaker 3: You know.
27:02
Speaker 1: Yes, we had a lot of breakups in the past,
27:04
Speaker 1: you know, in the early days, but now we've really
27:06
Speaker 1: built something strong. If you feel that way, then it
27:09
Speaker 1: might be worth exploring. If he's a love of your
27:11
Speaker 1: life and more and all this compatibility, then go go
27:16
Speaker 1: meet the love of your life on the other side
27:17
Speaker 1: of the world. I fucking love that, that's why not.
27:21
Speaker 1: But you've already got anxiety. Is it worth you going
27:25
Speaker 1: to the other side of the world if it's only
27:27
Speaker 1: and it sounds like like I'm being a dickhead, But
27:29
Speaker 1: if it's only love, okay, because love is not enough unfortunately.
27:34
Speaker 1: So hopefully that's helped you. And at the same time,
27:37
Speaker 1: you only you can ask the questions, the right questions,
27:40
Speaker 1: and only you can answer those questions. But hopefully the
27:42
Speaker 1: questions that I've asked you help kind of, you know,
27:46
Speaker 1: ignite other questions in your mind for you to really
27:49
Speaker 1: dig deep and get to the hard answer at the
27:53
Speaker 1: bottom of all of this. Thank you Danka for sending
27:58
Speaker 1: in your voice notes. I love receiving them. If you
28:01
Speaker 1: are interested in sending in a voice note to me
28:03
Speaker 1: so I can play it up for the world, literally
28:05
Speaker 1: the world, because we have global means everywhere to hear,
28:08
Speaker 1: then send your voice note. You can record your voice
28:10
Speaker 1: note on my website so dewifempod dot com, and then
28:13
Speaker 1: on the little menu there'll be a thing to submit
28:15
Speaker 1: your head noise questions via voice note. If you would
28:18
Speaker 1: rather me read it out in an email, just email
28:21
Speaker 1: info at dewifepod dot com. Guys, love you all so much.
28:25
Speaker 1: I really appreciate you guys sending in your thoughts, your questions,
28:28
Speaker 1: your head noise. Please rate and review the podcast, share
28:32
Speaker 1: the episode, share the podcast. It's you guys that help
28:35
Speaker 1: the podcast grow and I'll see you back here on Monday.
28:39
Speaker 1: As always, remember be can't to yourself, be can't to
28:42
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
28:44
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Don't care