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145. Blind Spots · Impact Ready

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  Welcome to Impact Ready, a show dedicated to helping you elevate
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  your impact in the world. I'm Steph Safer, your host.
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  Let's explore the power of showing up with intention and
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  energy each day. This is for those who seek to
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  make life truly meaningful. Get ready for impact.
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  Hey team, I hope you had an awesome weekend.
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  Happy Monday to you. October 6th.
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  Oh my God, it is October, which means we are on the fast track
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  to the holidays and I don't know about you, but I'm OK with it.
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  I enjoy this time. I like the holidays, I love the
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  fall, I love the season, and I hope that yours is starting off
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  really well. Today I want to start by telling
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  you a little story. I have a client, I'll call him
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  Kyle, and Kyle was telling me about an interaction he had had
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  recently with some friends. He was out with some old college
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  buddies of his and one of his friends was telling a story to
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  the group. All of a sudden the guy stopped
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  and he looked and he said to Kyle, dude, I hate when you do
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  that. You're totally checked out to
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  what I'm saying. And Kyle was taken off guard.
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  He really doesn't get confronted in that kind of way, but he goes
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  what are you talking about? Chill out man.
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  And his friend was pissed and kept going.
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  He goes, no seriously, you always do that.
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  Your eyes go blank and it's obvious that you're thinking
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  about what you're going to say or you're not even listening at
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  all. Now at this point Kyle looked to
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  his wife and she just nodded her head in agreement with what his
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  friend was saying. She looked at him and she goes
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  you do that you do and Kyle goes.
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  Well, why is this the first time I'm hearing about it?
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  His buddy responded. He goes because you get
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  defensive anytime anyone has feedback for you or tries to
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  call you out on anything. Kyle looked at his wife again
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  and she nodded again. And all night my client said
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  that he was pissed and he couldn't let it go.
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  In his mind, he was just ruminating about it.
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  But then the next day and later, he realized that he had just
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  been checked on a major blind spot of his that he'd never
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  known about, and nobody had ever had the guts to tell him.
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  I tell this story because this is the topic of our episode
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  today. It might sound obvious, but one
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  of the greatest roadblocks to having powerful impact in your
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  life is a lack of self-awareness.
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  Essentially, we can't have impact because we can't get out
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  of our own way. We don't see ourselves for who
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  we really are, or we don't see ourselves for how other people
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  see us. And this is just part of the
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  human condition. We have all kinds of blind spots
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  as humans. We have patterns of behaving
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  that we've had for years, many of them starting from when we
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  were kids. We have limiting beliefs about
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  what we're capable of or who we should interact with, what we
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  deserve, how other people should act around us.
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  We have negative stories. I call them saboteurs, and they
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  kind of encompass all of this, but they often show up and
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  pretty personified ways. For example, the perfectionist,
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  the people pleaser, the martyr, the judge, the victim.
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  All of these saboteurs are negative stories that we
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  conflate with our true self, who we really are.
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  And I don't think of any of those things as inherently bad.
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  It's not positive or negative, it just is.
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  It's a fact of life that we all have to contend with these
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  beliefs, these stories, these thoughts about ourselves.
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  We can generalize and just call them blind spots, but we all
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  deal with them. We all deal with this stuff
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  because we all have egos. And I stopped thinking of the
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  ego as a bad thing also because I recognize that it is simply
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  trying to keep us safe. The ego is trying to keep us
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  safe. It's a means of survival.
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  And safe to the ego often equals same.
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  So if the ego wants to keep us safe, AKA the same.
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  It makes a lot of sense that you see so many people with negative
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  patterns of behavior that they don't necessarily see.
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  The problem with these blind spots or negative patterns of
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  behavior that we don't see is that they often stand in the way
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  of us getting what we want. Someone said to me once, the
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  only thing getting in the way of what you desire in your life is
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  you. Over the years I've thought
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  about that a lot, and as I've learned about saboteurs and the
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  ego, I agree more and more with that statement.
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  Because not only do blind spots influence the way we show up
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  right now in our present day, they also influence what we
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  believe is possible for our future.
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  The other tricky thing about blind spots is that although we
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  are blind to our own, the people around us often have very clear
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  visibility, just like my client Kyle.
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  It's like when you're in San Francisco and you live in the
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  city, you're completely socked in by fog for the majority of
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  the days of the year. But if you go outside the city
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  just a little bit, just a mile or two, there are clear blue
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  skies and bright sunshine everywhere.
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  It's not really fair, actually. We are San Francisco, socked in
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  by fog. Most days.
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  Our friends and our family, they live in the surrounding cities
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  or just across the Golden Gate Bridge, with absolutely clear
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  visibility and a pretty good idea of what our blind spots
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  are. It's why you think that you
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  might be working really hard and taking risks, but your friends
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  and your family see that you're scared to put yourself out
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  there, and you are dancing around, taking actual action on
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  what you care about most. It's why you think you're great
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  with money, but your friends see that you have a serious spending
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  problem and you actually haven't built any systems around you to
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  help grow your safety and security and your wealth.
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  It's why you might think you have a pretty accurate outlook
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  on life. You call yourself a realist, but
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  your friends and your family see that your sarcasm and all of
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  yourself deprecating talk is really just a reflection of your
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  insecurity. I'll tell you another story.
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  Satya Nadella was someone who took over Microsoft in 2014 and
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  at the time the company was criticized for being very
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  siloed, competitive internally, slow to adapt to technology and
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  the things that were up and coming.
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  A lot of the former employees said that the internal culture
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  prized know it all behavior over humility and curiosity.
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  Early in his tenure, Nadella made a public remark advising
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  the women at the company that rather than asking for raises,
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  they should have, quote, faith. The system will give it to you,
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  UN quote. As you can imagine, there was
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  immediate backlash. He recognized the comment
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  revealed a very large blind spot in how he perceived fairness,
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  gender dynamics and just in general, the lived experience of
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  underrepresented groups. He quickly sent an apology to
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  the company acknowledging he was wrong, and that was a moment
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  that showed openness to learning about his blind spots and he was
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  willing to correct himself publicly.
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  As time went on, he also worked to shift the leadership style
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  within the company. He made empathy a pillar and
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  reoriented Microsoft's culture toward learning and curiosity
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  and growth the way that people want to be learning.
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  He encouraged asking questions, admitting ignorance, and
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  learning in public, a stark contrast from what it was prior
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  to him coming there. And I use this example because
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  this particular blind spot that Nadella had, it wasn't trivial
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  and it wasn't hidden away in a corner.
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  In fact, blind spots can often be very problematic and
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  sometimes dangerous. In this case, his blind spot was
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  cultural. It was structural and it
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  affected people, culture, morale, innovation.
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  It affected product decisions and internal collaboration.
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  The list goes on and on. It was so important for him to
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  make that correction and to shine a flashlight on that part
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  of himself that he wasn't seeing.
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  Blind spots can have us in patterns of behavior we don't
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  even recognize as being problematic.
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  For example, over apologizing, micromanaging behavior of other
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  people, deflecting compliments from others, being chronically
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  busy. These are all symptoms of blind
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  spots that we aren't seeing in ourselves.
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  In the world of communication, people frequently reference
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  what's called the Jihari Window. The Jihari window is a concept
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  that suggests that we have 4 areas of our identity.
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  Visualize a box that has four quadrants, and picture 1 area of
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  identity being in each quadrant of the box.
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  So the first is your public self, and that's the self that's
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  known to ourselves and to others.
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  There's the private self, which is known only to us.
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  There's the unknown self that is neither open to the public nor
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  to us. And then lastly, there's the
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  blind spot, which is that which others know about us, but that
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  we are not yet aware of ourselves.
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  We all have blind spots, every single one of us.
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  And often times when people are talking about inner work,
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  they're talking about a process in which they start to look at
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  those blind spots and work through them.
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  And this process can look 100 different ways, but it most
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  often involves shining a flashlight on things about
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  yourself that you might not like to look at, things that can feel
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  embarrassing or shameful, things you might want to deny.
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  And I don't know that the working through blind spots ever
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  ends. It seems like the older we get
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  and the more we learn, the more it is that we don't really know.
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  But I do think what's important about this idea is the
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  willingness to look at those blind spots.
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  It's the ability to do some self exploration and name the
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  saboteurs that pop up in your life.
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  It's being open to being imperfect and being humbled and
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  approaching things with curiosity and open mindedness
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  and open heartedness instead of defensiveness and pride.
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  And again, some of this might sound really obvious, but how
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  many people do you know who are really willing to do this type
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  of work and take the stance in their life?
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  How many people do you know who really approach things with true
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  open heartedness and open mindedness?
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  It's something we all have to work on.
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  In coaching. One of the first things that we
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  do is dig into exploring blind spots.
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  One of the ways we get started is I have clients write down all
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  the excuses that they find themselves making in their life.
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  It's a start to understanding some of the voices that they
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  hear and beliefs that they have about themselves, about their
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  circumstances, and about the possibility around their future.
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  For example, one really common excuse that people have is I
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  don't have enough time. When we dig into that excuse, it
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  often leads to a discussion about how they feel like they
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  don't have control of their own calendars or their own life,
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  that there is too much to do and they can't possibly fit it all
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  in. That then leads to discovery
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  about what saboteurs might be involved.
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  Two of the most common ones are the martyr.
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  The martyr is I have to do everything around here.
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  I shouldn't have to do all this, but I don't let anybody help me
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  because I need to have control over this.
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  I'm angry, I'm resentful that I have to do everything, blah,
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  blah, blah. That's kind of a generic voice
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  of the martyr. The other really common one is
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  the victim, and the victim sounds like this isn't fair, I
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  shouldn't have to do this. Nothing works out for me, I
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  can't change anything about my life no matter what I do,
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  nothing gets better, etcetera, etcetera.
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  The reason this is a helpful exercise for clients is because
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  when people recognize that they have beliefs about things and
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  they are often based on old stories, they tell themselves
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  negative stories that were created when they were young,
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  often as a way to be able to survive or thrive in their
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  environment when they were little.
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  They realize that these outdated stories are running the freaking
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  show. And while that was fine as a kid
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  or a teenager or even a young adult, we don't want our teenage
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  stories running the show right now.
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  As a wiser, more experienced adult version of ourselves.
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  We realized that the stories that were meant to keep us safe
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  are often keeping us the same, and that in the grand scheme of
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  things, humans don't want to stay the same.
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  We loathe stagnation. We want growth and expansion and
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  opportunity, and the only way to get there is through change.
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  So how can you actually start to create the change?
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  How do you shine a light on your own blind spots?
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  And by the way, I do think we can do this on our own.
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  I think we can do this type of work that it's possible for us
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  to get clarity on this by ourselves.
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  However, I'm a huge advocate of getting an outside pair of eyes
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  on this, working with somebody in a coaching role or a
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  therapist or a trusted mentor. Just getting another person's
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  perspective can be very helpful if you use them as a mirror so
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  that you can see what you haven't been able to see before.
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  If you're wanting to dig into this on your own, here are a
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  couple ways that I think you can start to get some traction.
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  The first thing is write down the top five excuses that you
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  say to yourself about your life. Whether it's about not following
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  through on things or not creating change, what you say to
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  yourself when you're tired, whatever context the excuse
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  might be in, it's good to understand the stories that we
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  tell ourselves. That's a big part of the
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  self-awareness piece. The second thing is to practice
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  being in choice. And what I mean by that is when
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  you hear a story that comes up, an old story, practice choosing
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  a different way of doing it, a different way of behaving, a
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  different way of showing up, and choose the way that your very
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  best self would do it. So if you're the absolute best
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  version of yourself, how would they take this action or have
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  this conversation, or what would their perspective be on this
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  circumstance? Ask yourself those questions
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  through the lens of you feeling like the very best version of
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  you. And then finally, the third
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  thing. Get some outside perspective.
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  There's really no substitute for this.
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  It's the best way to get some other eyes on your situation.
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  And this could look like asking 3 to 4 friends or family members
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  or trusted people who know you really well to tell you what
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  they think your blind spots are, what you don't see, or what they
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  think might be getting in your way.
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  This can be vulnerable, hard to hear sometimes, it can feel
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  painful in some situations. So before you have this
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  conversation, create an agreement together, you and the
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  person in front of you, that you're both going to be open
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  minded and open hearted. That you're going to be curious
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  and that the other person is going to say these things to you
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  with love and compassion and without any judgement or high
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  and mighty attitude. Now, if I'm zooming out a little
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  bit and thinking about this, we always talk about these types of
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  topics through the lens of impact.
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  And there's no doubt that being able to see our blind spots, get
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  to know them, get to working on them, that dramatically
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  increases our chances of having positive impact in our own lives
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  and the lives of other people. But I will also say that when
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  you can become free of some of these negative stories, when you
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  could have full visibility and not be socked in by the fog
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  anymore, your life feels so much better.
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  It's more joyful. Everything feels more
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  fulfilling. You have more gratitude for the
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  things around you. And I think most of all, you get
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  to release some of the weight of old shame that you might
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  unconsciously be holding onto about these blind spots that we
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  have. We can be free of it.
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  There's no better feeling than to be free of old heavy shame.
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  As a result of all this work, your baseline frequency
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  increases little by little, you live a more authentic, genuine
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  life. You get to take off some of the
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  masks that you might be wearing as a human every day, and you
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  close the gap between who you really are on the inside and how
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  you present on the outside. I mean, the rewards are truly
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  exponential. So my challenge to you this week
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  is to pick one of those three things and work on starting to
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  identify your own personal blind spots, even if it feels
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  vulnerable or painful. Remember, the goal and the
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  reward at the end is more freedom, more gratitude, more
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  joy, and just a more authentic feeling life.
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  So I hope that this conversation has spurred on some thoughts
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  within you. I hope it helps.
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  I'm so glad you're here. Have an awesome week and thank
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  you team, for being ready to impact.
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  Thanks for listening to Impact Ready.
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  I hope today's episode inspired you to own your impact and
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  recognize that you are powerful. By elevating our energy and
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  awareness, we can create exponential change in this life.
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  If you enjoyed today's insights, share them with a friend and
• 17:15
  subscribe to the show for more. I truly appreciate you.
• 17:18
  Thanks again for being here.