Latest / Jess Ask / The Power in Weakness | FT Racquel Wyatt | EP58

Transcript

The Power in Weakness | FT Racquel Wyatt | EP58 · Jess Ask

• 0:07
  Yo, it's your girl, Jessica and Smith and you already know that you've
• 0:11
  entered the safe space for influencers to decompress, have fun and just ask God,
• 0:18
  do you already know what it is? And then you know it's about
• 0:21
  to get real. To be sure to show your girl the love and like,
• 0:26
  come in and subscribe God for another day. Hey, hey, I
• 0:32
  know we could be another way. Yo. Yo, yo, it's your
• 0:38
  girl, Jessica. As Smith and I would like to welcome you to just
• 0:42
  as the podcast, will we create a safe space for influencers to decompress,
• 0:47
  half fun and just as I am super excited about today's episode. Y'all.
• 0:52
  I've been on point lately, y'all. I've been on point. She ain't
• 0:55
  caught me slipping, y'all. Say, y'all got right into it, right
• 0:59
  into it. Desilraate, desiraate, desiraate, desiliate to another episode. Another
• 1:07
  one. It's another one. It's another one. Wait, who you're supposed
• 1:11
  to sound like? No? Say it again? Say it again? No,
• 1:15
  do it? Do it? I want to do it? Was so
• 1:18
  beautiful woman. I try it again. It's another one. Okay, we're
• 1:25
  gonna put some base in your voice. But it's okay, y'all, welcome
• 1:27
  to the safe space. I am super excided. We are super excited to
• 1:33
  have a very special guest. When I say very this is my this is
• 1:37
  my dog. You know that that's my dog that my dogs show there,
• 1:42
  my dog, y'all show y'all, y'all, I have none other than the
• 1:53
  beautiful, the talented, the creators. Oh, she is the full pay
• 2:00
  Okay, when I say fool, I mean that in all caps, all
• 2:05
  right, hashtag fold the lovely Raquel a k A Rock. You know why,
• 2:17
  Kirston, you're supposed to be the clap off y'all, I'm using Look,
• 2:22
  I'm using Kurston. If y'all don't know that she is my little sister,
• 2:24
  will show you that one day. But I need her for the clap
• 2:27
  Offis they tried it again? Come on, Curston, I appreciate your girl.
• 2:32
  Rock y'all remember that saying something to say, rock Rock steady Eddy,
• 2:38
  your team ain't even ready and rock, y'all rothsteady a rock. That's you
• 2:44
  by your teammate. You're not ready, father Rock because you like, listen,
• 2:57
  this is my girl. How you doing this child? Right now?
• 3:00
  In that day currently and they said, we just got from the church house.
• 3:06
  If we can be transparent, I just got set up. Let's just
• 3:07
  be quite clear as to what occurred. Was it a setup? There was
• 3:13
  a setup because she said, okay, I need you on the podcast.
• 3:16
  Cool, I'm coming to Birmingham, so you know, she also says,
• 3:20
  oh yeah, I do want you to come to church with me that morning.
• 3:23
  And I'm like, so, let's let's start from the beginning. Because
• 3:25
  you you text me and was like, okay, what dates in April?
• 3:34
  I did you gave me a month? I said, okay, we got
• 3:37
  a few dates. You chose the date to show up. I did,
• 3:42
  okay, I just you know, invited you. If y'all can look at
• 3:46
  my shirt, I got some evidence there. You know. I wasn't gonna
• 3:51
  show y'all, but I just want y'all to know that church was church in
• 3:55
  today. Like I had lashes on before I got here. That's all I
• 3:59
  got, I said. They she worked really hard on her makeup, I
• 4:02
  did. I woke up extra early until my time and have my I was
• 4:06
  watching live stream for another church that I like to visit. You know,
• 4:09
  I was feeling good. So I got the church with confidence and we got
• 4:13
  all the way towards did you know a little switch coming in? Like did
• 4:18
  you you were hugging people like you knew and then you know face plant.
• 4:24
  So here we are. Yeah, it was like we could like hear the
• 4:30
  lashes out and try to put the mom like they're soaking with like they're just
• 4:32
  gonna go my purse. So do you want to do you? Do you
• 4:36
  want to say what happened? I mean sure, so basically again set up?
• 4:44
  But who set you up? Though? Okay I got to say,
• 4:47
  so you were the conduit? But you know I was used, Yeah,
• 4:51
  yeah, for sure. This actually goes back to last week. I got
• 4:55
  to start from the beginning, Start from the beginning. So last weekend we
• 5:00
  were celebrating one my girlfriend's birthdays in the mountains to North Yordia Mountains and I
• 5:05
  went, and she's a whole prophet, so I knew it was gonna be
• 5:10
  a set up there too. But I was like, let me just go.
• 5:12
  I need to get out a road trip, seven hour drive by myself.
• 5:15
  But I was like, I haven't gone that way before. Let me
• 5:16
  just go ahead and do it. I get up there Friday absolutely exhausted,
• 5:23
  and then Saturday evening came and it ended up being a whole outpour of the
• 5:27
  holygs like good God help us. And I went into armor bear and mold
• 5:31
  what you know? I know that? Will I can? I can?
• 5:33
  You know? Back them up? Yeah? And for those that don't know
• 5:36
  what the almor bear is, it's a little position that serves and catch folk
• 5:42
  and cover people while they're going through their experiences. For sure, Okay,
• 5:47
  so I can. I can do that. I can hold the towel when
• 5:49
  people find out you need a purple blanket. I got your purple blanket right
• 5:53
  here. You know it's alway wait, it's always purple purple. I got
• 5:58
  it. Don't worry about it. I got your back. So you know,
• 6:00
  I got people back. But the woman God starts speaking into me,
• 6:03
  Da da da da, and she said, then, like you need to
• 6:06
  forgive yourself for X. You need to release da dah da, like say
• 6:10
  all that then. But I wasn't really in a place to let all those
• 6:15
  things go. I just wasn't. And it was like the first time that
• 6:19
  it was acknowledged that I had all this built up in my body and in
• 6:23
  my spirit. And I knew it because earlier that month, you know,
• 6:27
  I had a whole breakdown this month, not realizing there was months worth of
• 6:31
  things that I had in I process, years worth of things I hadn't processed,
• 6:34
  and my body finally was like we can't take no more. So by
• 6:40
  the time I get to last weekend and it's actually said out loud where I
• 6:44
  was, it was like, okay, God, you actually see me in
• 6:46
  this moment and not leaving me to myself and love me enough to acknowledge that
• 6:50
  you're not okay, and I want to come get you, so just hold
• 6:59
  on for okay. So that was last weekend. Everybody got these breakthroughs.
• 7:03
  It was great, and we kept the group chat that we made for the
• 7:08
  birthday trip, and it was very strategic of the Lord, like keep this
• 7:12
  sister circle, like you need to peep boys your midwives. So all week
• 7:16
  long sharing testimonies about what Guy had been doing. Dad and I was having
• 7:21
  some very hard conversations this week with some people. Just a lot had happened
• 7:27
  between last Friday and present day. So by the time I got today to
• 7:31
  today, I well Candy Birmingham on Friday to just sit and relax, and
• 7:39
  my friends that I'm staying with the were like you need to rest your body,
• 7:42
  like don't do you. We know that you have a lot that you
• 7:44
  could be doing. We need you to rest, include my family saying the
• 7:47
  same thing, we need you to rest. So I've been doing that the
• 7:50
  last two days and they get service today and it was good, like praise
• 7:58
  worsher was good. The word was good. And by the time Pastor Corren
• 8:03
  said, if you're hurting, comes to the altar, it was almost like
• 8:09
  you can either stay where you are and like continue being hurt, continuing feeling
• 8:16
  pain, continuing feeling like you're not seeing, you're not heard, like nobody
• 8:20
  understands you, nobody feels you, or you could just go ahead and get
• 8:24
  this over with. It's one of the other for me. So it was
• 8:28
  it was life for It wasn't life for them, but it was like that
• 8:31
  for me because it was like you could continue with the path that you're on
• 8:35
  right now and just be bottled up no strength. You have no more I
• 8:39
  told somebody this week, I have no more fighting me. I have zero
• 8:43
  fighting me done, like I have literally been fighting for months. I'm tired,
• 8:46
  like I physically, I am burnt out, and I am not one
• 8:48
  that crashes and burns. Yeah, typically, which is why it's that's it's
• 8:54
  not my brand. And so specifically early this month, let me back up,
• 9:01
  I took April off of social media and podcasting, yeah, to just
• 9:05
  exist and to I thought at first when I thought the Lord was calling me
• 9:09
  off social media was to go see Kim, were gone fast for forty days
• 9:11
  and for that night, and we're gonna it was not that. It was
• 9:15
  very much we need you to be very present with our kill right now.
• 9:18
  And I didn't realize it until after the fact. So by April the fourth,
• 9:24
  when I have an entiremental breakdown, it was like, oh, you're
• 9:30
  not okay. You need a month to yourself, understood, got it?
• 9:33
  And it was on a Thursday, which on my Thursdays would be my normal
• 9:37
  interview days, so I would have had to get my life together very quickly
• 9:39
  and then go serve again. And the Lord was like, no, this
• 9:43
  month is yours. So all of that. So by the time I got
• 9:48
  to the altar, the Prinson's Lord was there for sure, and like I
• 9:54
  felt that, and I was working my way to get up. I was
• 9:56
  like, all right, you sawing me pretty good. But then Senior Pastor
• 10:03
  came and just was speaking directly to disappointment and discouragement, yeah and let down
• 10:09
  and hurt. And by the time he hit that, eyes instantly watering because
• 10:13
  and he said exactly what he needs to be said by saying, don't allow
• 10:20
  disappointment to make your decisions essentially for you, because I had really and when
• 10:28
  he said it, I instantly realized that I have been making a lot of
• 10:31
  decisions about my life, especially recently, based on trauma and triggers. So
• 10:39
  like, oh, you disappointed me in this area. Okay, great,
• 10:41
  so I'm naturally going to move in this direction to protect myself or to get
• 10:48
  out of harm's way. Yeah. Yeah, And so I was preparing to
• 10:52
  make a couple of decisions this week, but the Lord have been telling me
• 10:56
  all weekend this is not your fight, not your fight, not your issue,
• 10:58
  not your choice. He's telling this to a fighter telling he's like,
• 11:03
  you see, I'm my normal routine guy, and my normal response is to
• 11:07
  nuk and bucks, and you're telling me, not the knuck and buck.
• 11:09
  You created me this way, and now you're telling me not to act on
• 11:11
  my creation, literally telling me don't fight, like this is not your fight,
• 11:16
  Like I need you to be very still right now, and I'm like,
• 11:20
  you're wild. You know how you made me, I'm going to know
• 11:24
  I'm going to book instantly, especially if I'm like offended or like I'm not
• 11:30
  You're You're touching areas of my life where I've been disappointed, where I've been
• 11:33
  let down, where I've been triggered, and so like, yes, I'm
• 11:37
  going to be on defense mode because you're not finna no, and you're telling
• 11:41
  me to be still. So by the time the pastor says that nail on
• 11:43
  the head, I'm just like all right, so start breaking. And then
• 11:48
  by the time they both came and she started explaining about deep wounds with trust
• 11:54
  and with women and like how deep these things went. It was literally what
• 12:01
  was said to me last weekend in a more intimate circle, of course,
• 12:05
  but it was like, okay, lord, he's not gonna let me go
• 12:11
  another day with this. He let me do a seven day band, but
• 12:15
  like after that, it's that's it. And it was almost like I can't
• 12:18
  let you go into another month or another season, Like I can't let you
• 12:20
  be released from this season of quiet and taking care of yourself without letting these
• 12:24
  go. So you can move to the next thing. And so that's what
• 12:28
  it ended up being. But I didn't realize. You don't realize when you
• 12:35
  are a fighter. And they said it that I was a fighter, and
• 12:37
  like it hits harder for fighters because it takes a lot that I'm out.
• 12:41
  No, they compared you to Muhammad Ali, and he specifically stated, it's
• 12:48
  hard to knock Muhammad Ali down. And when you Muhammad Ali in the spirit,
• 12:54
  and when he finally got defeated, it was because he was tired.
• 12:58
  If you really think about it, like if you know the story of it
• 13:01
  at least watched the movie, it was because he was tired, like you're
• 13:05
  and you try to fight through being tired. But God says I I made
• 13:09
  strong in your weakness, and you gonna either get weak. You're gonna submit
• 13:15
  to the weakness of weakness of rock and being able to submit to my strength,
• 13:20
  or I'm gonna make you submit like I'm gonna choy. You's a choice,
• 13:26
  yeah, or you gonna just have to deal with the repercussions of not
• 13:31
  doing it literally literally. And so when I heard them say that, it
• 13:35
  confirmed the fact that no, he did, but he did build you like
• 13:39
  this. You are as strong as you think, and you can carry a
• 13:43
  lot. But one thing my father said to me, and this is probably
• 13:46
  where I'm gonna break. When I when I had my melt down April fourth,
• 13:54
  I had never experienced anything in my body like that before, where I
• 13:58
  was so afraid of what was going on. I said, I don't know,
• 14:00
  but I don't know if it's anxiety attack, panic attack. I don't
• 14:03
  know what's happening, but I'm not okay. And the first thought out I
• 14:09
  left my office because I said I need to go home. That's told my
• 14:09
  boss I needed to leave. And I did not make it off my campus
• 14:16
  good enough before I had to pull fully over. And the only I said,
• 14:20
  I need to call it. And this is the first time this has
• 14:22
  happened, because you know me, like, I'm not going to run to
• 14:24
  my village first. I'm going to hold it exactly, I'm going to hold
• 14:30
  go ahead. And because I gotta tell you, my response today got them
• 14:33
  so But all I heard the Lord will say was call your dad, Call
• 14:37
  your dad. And I do not call my father in moments of emotional like
• 14:41
  Trump when it's like dramatic scene, I don't call him first. You call
• 14:45
  him when like they're sensible things, business obligations. He's very matter of fact.
• 14:48
  Yeah, but the Lord had set it up that two days prior,
• 14:52
  he and I had gone and then he had came down to see me with
• 14:56
  dinner together. We had like a nice conversation, we had fun. It
• 14:58
  was great. So well, he's back in my viewpoint as my friend.
• 15:03
  And so the Lord said, call your dad. Two days later, call
• 15:05
  your dad. I call him and at this point tears are flowing, but
• 15:11
  I don't have words yet. I just know I'm not physical. Okay.
• 15:13
  So he looked at me and was like, okay, what's happening, And
• 15:16
  the moment I upened my mouth. I was screaming, screaming, hollering,
• 15:22
  and he finally said, okay, what do you need this moment, I
• 15:24
  said, I don't know. People keep asking me what I need. I
• 15:28
  don't know. I don't have words. I can't tell you what I need.
• 15:31
  I can't tell you what's happening in me. I just I just wanted
• 15:35
  all to stop. Wow. I said, I have this going on in
• 15:39
  my personal life. I have this going on with school, I have work,
• 15:43
  I have people are dying all around me, Like I literally just need
• 15:46
  a moment to breathe, and nobody's letting me breathe, and I can't stop.
• 15:50
  And what my father said to me was, you are a part of
• 15:54
  me, but you are not all of me. Because my dad is one
• 16:00
  who keeps going. He's been pastoring this year'll be twenty years. He keeps
• 16:04
  going. He works full time job, He's on twenty different boards. He's
• 16:08
  always doing something. And since he was sixteen he has worked a job.
• 16:12
  He has always been on go, always been working, always been hustling like
• 16:15
  always been. He is a standard of excellence, and I became him.
• 16:22
  I am I am Gerald. They call me Gerald Dean, and I'm his
• 16:26
  twin. We have the same kind of work ethic and so he knows that
• 16:30
  about me. So the Lord had me call him for my father to affirm
• 16:34
  me and say, I need you to stop rock rock wait. I can't
• 16:38
  let you pass that because the importance of the affirmation of a father, girl,
• 16:47
  I could go. I'm trying not to cry right now, because it's
• 16:52
  one thing I don't know about your household, but I know about mine,
• 16:56
  and my dad when I was growing up, was a parent, and so
• 17:02
  the affirmation in my mind now as an adult looking back, I don't know
• 17:07
  if he had he had the energy or the time outside of making sure that
• 17:11
  we was eating, cleaning, that we had a safe place to live in,
• 17:15
  that we were provided for, that we had good grades, the necessary,
• 17:18
  the emotional part, I don't think he had. I don't I don't
• 17:22
  think he had awareness or the and I don't think that was enough time and
• 17:30
  enough in him because this is a man that I don't even know if he
• 17:33
  was pouring into enough to do that. So now as an adult, because
• 17:37
  he has balance, oh I feel got on this. Because he has balance,
• 17:41
  I can go call my daddy and I told him about a mishap I
• 17:44
  had in my life and he was like, well, Jessica, you know
• 17:48
  that you're You're better than that, right Like you you're beautiful, You're you're
• 17:53
  intelligent, you got it all together, Like if you know, if I
• 17:57
  was a young man and I was out looking, he was like, you're
• 18:00
  the package. I needed my dad to tell me this. Sure, this
• 18:04
  is so good. So he told you told you this? And where did
• 18:08
  you go from there? So once he said, I broke because for so
• 18:14
  long I just want to be my dad proud, like I just forever wanted
• 18:17
  to make him proud I forever. And so in our house I have a
• 18:19
  two parent household. My mom is the emotional support, like we go to
• 18:22
  her for all and I can see that we go to her for all of
• 18:26
  the emotional moments. My dad was the provider. He makes sure we had
• 18:30
  structured it had a roof, like he was that guy for us. And
• 18:33
  in the last couple of years, especially with my brother and I moving out
• 18:36
  the house, like our relationship dynamics have all changed now and so now he
• 18:41
  is my dad isn't more of an emotional place. I don't have to provide
• 18:42
  for them anymore. Now do where do I fit in their lives kind of
• 18:45
  thing? And he literally said so. By the time he said you're not
• 18:52
  all of me, I screamed, I don't break. I do not break.
• 18:56
  This does not happen to me. He said. This is why I
• 18:57
  said, a part of me, but you're not all of me. And
• 19:02
  sometimes your body just breaks and it's okay. And when he said it,
• 19:06
  like I burst because it was just like I'm human, like I live in
• 19:14
  the flesh. I am not a super woman, like it's it is okay.
• 19:17
  And for him to say that and to be the one person that I
• 19:19
  always wanted to make sure knew that I was getting my stuff done. He
• 19:25
  affirmed all of that and brought me all the way back down. And by
• 19:26
  the time I got in fun with my brother a little bit later, and
• 19:30
  he just going off. He said the same thing, but in a little
• 19:32
  wretched way. It was like, you ain't got to be super everything.
• 19:33
  It's a problems. I always need the hood version. It just always don't
• 19:41
  be doing all that vers So he grove out that version. But it just
• 19:49
  affirmed who I was and the fact that I was not crazy, and the
• 19:52
  moment that I, yeah, that's fine, tell him, hey, hey,
• 20:00
  I'm in the middle of record and I was making sure you know,
• 20:03
  hey hey hey he said, hey, hey, we recording. Hey,
• 20:15
  sorry Fred everybody. So once I got that out, and once I was
• 20:23
  able to kind of breathe, it's a minute to breathe on the phone,
• 20:27
  I was led immediately to text my Village of girls, and it was it
• 20:34
  was strategic of the Lord. But it was also funny to me that a
• 20:37
  week prior I had built this group chat listen, I just built how how
• 20:44
  quickly the Lord? When I say a week prior. I had built this
• 20:48
  group chat off of a funny joke the friday before, like I off of
• 20:52
  a joking mumba. It was like it was a beautiful joke. It was
• 20:56
  a beautiful joke. Like all of my girls, who I would have just
• 21:00
  copy and pasted the same joke too. I said, let me just put
• 21:03
  all y'all together real quick, and it became my accountability chat. So right
• 21:07
  when right before the month started, or right when the month started, I
• 21:10
  just said, Okay, I'm taking the month off social media, please be
• 21:11
  by accountability partners. They just prayer da da da da, And so that's
• 21:15
  what that group was made for, not realizing that three days later I was
• 21:19
  going to need all of them. So I texted them this very long moment
• 21:23
  and I was able to articulate completely what had happened from the time I left
• 21:27
  my office to that moment, and everybody instantly was so supportive. But I
• 21:37
  was grateful to God that he allowed me to know that you can go to
• 21:40
  your village with this right now and like they're not going to leave you.
• 21:44
  And you're used to people walking away, you used to people being abandoned,
• 21:48
  But in this moment, even as raw as you are. They are very
• 21:51
  present with you. And some of them who were local, were like,
• 21:52
  we will leave work right now if you need us to listen. And I
• 21:56
  was just like, I don't really want company physically, Yeah, I just
• 22:00
  need you to y'all to know where I am. Yeah, and Jay said
• 22:06
  and my sister was. They were just y'all were just proud that I even
• 22:10
  came, cause y'all know, it takes a lot for me to verbalize where
• 22:14
  I am. You're the super woman. Superwomen believe that there is no safe
• 22:22
  space, right. They believe that if they don't have it together, who
• 22:26
  will they believe? And I'm saying they because the beautiful thing about me and
• 22:32
  Rock's relationship we try to superwoman each other. Like we tried. We tried
• 22:38
  to superwoman each other to the point where it's like I never I had never
• 22:45
  met a friend at so persistent. Like she, I was like, this
• 22:48
  lady is weird? Why does she want? Why does she want to do
• 22:52
  relationship with me? Because fun thing, if y'all haven't seen our previous episode,
• 22:56
  I think it was season two that we did the yeah so, but
• 23:02
  if y'all haven't watched it, go watch that because baby. The testimony on
• 23:06
  baby that was a whole another thing. So we met through a mutual friend
• 23:11
  who's also our best friend. Y'all actually seen him, Philip, doctor Philip
• 23:14
  A Sullivan doctor, doctor Dog, and we actually met when we were celebrating
• 23:22
  him for those that accomplishment and literally right off, right off, we connected.
• 23:29
  But she followed up on a connection I'd intrust women like that. We
• 23:32
  both have uh an interesting history like with women, and it's like I just
• 23:37
  I was like, yeah, they always fall off, like women are not
• 23:41
  consistent. That's that was my belief. You know what I'm saying. Now,
• 23:44
  God seend me desires and Stacy's and rocks, and I'm just like,
• 23:48
  wait, hold up, this this is what this is, you know,
• 23:52
  and it's safe. I've submitted some the some of the ugliest and ugliest to
• 24:00
  this woman of God. And so what what I was most proud of in
• 24:03
  that moment because I had been telling you put the cake down, and I
• 24:11
  could feel the resistance. I could feel it because it's not that she didn't
• 24:15
  feel safe with me. She didn't feel safe without the cap. And that's
• 24:19
  true, Like it wasn't a personal thing. And sometimes we can take it
• 24:23
  we can be so emotionally attached to something when our thank you, Holy spit,
• 24:27
  this is so good. We could be so emotionally attached to our words
• 24:30
  or advice instead of just giving it and just letting it be like it wasn't
• 24:36
  about me in that moment and anytime I've told you that eventually, if you
• 24:40
  don't submit to the to the wisdom of God, the wisdom of God is
• 24:44
  gonna break you down. Like it just broke you down, you know what
• 24:45
  I'm saying. So you needed God so for you to even announce that had
• 24:51
  I just had a break down, And I said in that moment when I
• 24:55
  saw the text, I said, thank you God, thank you God,
• 24:59
  because I to have had mental break Now to where I'm at work, I
• 25:03
  literally I ain't leave, I ain't leave, but thank God, it was
• 25:07
  two women in the workspace and I looked at them I could I literally that
• 25:11
  was my I think, my first panic attack. I'm not at home,
• 25:17
  I'm my boyfriend. I don't know what the situation going on with him.
• 25:22
  I'm by myself. I don't even know if I want to live anymore.
• 25:25
  Like I physically don't care about living at the point I don't really care,
• 25:30
  and so all of this is on me and the one thing. I don't
• 25:33
  even know what the one thing was, but I couldn't take it no more.
• 25:37
  Literally, I couldn't take it no more. And so that is such
• 25:40
  a real thing as like we got we have to My responsibility to you is
• 25:45
  to make you to let you know contnsistency, let you know that it's okay
• 25:52
  not to be strong around me like you could. Your assignment may be to
• 25:55
  everybody else, but my assignment is to be your friend. This what this
• 26:00
  is with friendship. Friendship it looks like this. It's not cute. If
• 26:03
  I can't go toe to toe with you, I don't know if I can
• 26:07
  be your friend. And a lot of times people, especially in adult friendships,
• 26:11
  they get it misconstrued sometimes that friendship is just selfies and brunch days.
• 26:17
  And the reality is, if you are wanting a secure and safe and trusted
• 26:25
  adult friendship, you have been in the trenches sometimes and those days are not
• 26:30
  pretty, and you those trenches will show you usually two things. One,
• 26:33
  it will show you who is actually really there in a safe place for you
• 26:37
  because there's other people that will leave. And then there's also the feeling of
• 26:41
  Okay, there's safety around these certain people, and I can be vulnerable in
• 26:45
  this space and be protected. And when you realize that, you are more
• 26:51
  prone to start to share it to shark, to let your guards down.
• 26:56
  And so for me last week, when I was around that first group of
• 27:00
  women who were all intercestors, all prophetic and you know, and they started
• 27:04
  sharing and started I was getting poured into. It was like the Lord was
• 27:11
  letting me know there are a group of women who are around you who actually
• 27:17
  have your back fully and they don't want anything from you nothing. And when
• 27:21
  you when you have been you're a PK, So twenty years of my PK
• 27:26
  number one, that's that by itself, you know. So that and then
• 27:30
  who I'm connected to in my family, people that are trying to just get
• 27:34
  to us, just off GP. It's very difficult to trust because like,
• 27:38
  what do you want? Why are you here? What is your purpose?
• 27:41
  What exactly are you coming for? And are you gonna come get what you
• 27:44
  need and leave? Because that's what I'm used to at this point, which
• 27:47
  is why you're gonna meet me with all these barriers and fences and stone walls,
• 27:51
  because I don't know what you want and so before you take anything,
• 27:53
  I'm gonna make sure you can't get here. But you know the gag about
• 27:56
  you your stone walls and fences, all that stuff like that, it's cute
• 28:00
  and it's approachable. That's right. That's the thing like that we will like
• 28:04
  we know how to still have grace because the thing about it is ministry.
• 28:10
  People think that ministry. People in ministry are just these well gathered people.
• 28:18
  I'm trying to find the word for. But it's like, Okay, I've
• 28:22
  seen so much of youth like that that that don't know how to manage.
• 28:26
  Well, that's disruptive of my family dynamic. That's disruptive and disrespectful that you
• 28:32
  know what I'm saying. I didn't seen so much that are I'm gonna keep
• 28:34
  it cute because of who I'm connected to, because tell me what you know
• 28:40
  about me, Okay, find out real quickly. Maybe I'm telling you I've
• 28:45
  dealt with people threatening my dad. I'm about to get on the road.
• 28:51
  Okay, you get what I'm saying. And I still got to have a
• 28:55
  grace for you. But I didn't learn how to make make you think so
• 29:00
  much so that you're in something that you're really not and I and so now
• 29:04
  my discernment and my sensibility is much higher. And it's a matter of maturity
• 29:10
  as well. So if you come interact with me, or you're coming into
• 29:15
  looking for a friendship and you're instantly asking me very in depth questions about my
• 29:19
  life, my just things that you wouldn't know and my best test of friends
• 29:23
  don't know and you're asking off GP, I'm like, ah, now because
• 29:27
  you're you're properly here for the wrong reasons that these are These are things and
• 29:32
  questions that you will learn over time as our relationship begins to grow, not
• 29:36
  things that you're gonna just oh, so, what was the last time you've
• 29:38
  been hurt like that? Why would you ask me that, off GP,
• 29:41
  unless you're out here for to seep out certain information, I'm just saying,
• 29:48
  you know whatever. So, but you're right, I've had to learn how
• 29:52
  to be approachable and to be gracious because there was a time that I was
• 29:56
  just hard, like people like you just look mean, you just don't even
• 29:59
  and I would do that because like, don't even look in my direction,
• 30:03
  because I don't trust any of you, none of you. So if RIP
• 30:07
  that was me for a very long time until the Lord started doing the first
• 30:11
  layer of healing for me to say, Okay, everybody's going through something like,
• 30:15
  you can be kind to people regardless. Now you don't. Everybody's not
• 30:18
  your best friend, everybody's not going to be in your inner circle, but
• 30:21
  you could be kind. And so he once he let me know that they're
• 30:23
  not. Yes, I can be kind, I can go have brunch with
• 30:26
  anybody, but being in the holies with me, absolutely not. And I
• 30:30
  think that's such a beautiful understanding and awareness that I have the power to let
• 30:38
  you in. Even Jesus, if you really think about it, he out
• 30:42
  of everybody that got excited about his being, his presence right, as much
• 30:48
  as we talk about who was against him, there were there were people as
• 30:52
  as he lived his life, that were for him, that actually believed that
• 30:55
  he was a messiah, that actually believed what he was saying. That's why
• 30:59
  he was able to gather so many people to listen, you know what I'm
• 31:02
  saying. But out of all of the people that gathered and listened, it
• 31:06
  was twelve of them that stuck out right. But even in the in the
• 31:10
  midst of the twelve, there was three that stuck out, even the more.
• 31:15
  And so I think that the level of discernment and the level of ability
• 31:18
  that God has given us, the level the power that God has invested in
• 31:22
  us to be able to discern who's our twelve, who's our three? We
• 31:26
  have twelve O three. We have to tap into that and know, like
• 31:32
  the three had experiences the twelve that would never be able to imagine. And
• 31:36
  I have to be okay. I watched this. I had to find freedom
• 31:41
  and being okay to not tell the twelve everything that the three knew just they're
• 31:48
  like I felt. I used to feel so guilty, but that there are
• 31:52
  some things that I'm just gonna tell y'all both of y'all know simultaneously about me
• 32:00
  that people that are close to me and I love them dearly would never find
• 32:04
  out exactly because it's no point. It's no point and I don't have to
• 32:10
  listen. Listen. It gave me freedom to know that I could be safe
• 32:15
  somewhere. I could be safe somewhere. Does Raymon you pulling on me?
• 32:21
  Girl? You No, you didn't do anything. I'm just saying you pulling
• 32:25
  on me when I When I say that, y'all, what I mean by
• 32:30
  that is like my spirits connected her because I really feel like she got something
• 32:34
  to say on this and she hasn't said it yet. And no, like
• 32:38
  because you have you have the experience as well, Like that's something that her
• 32:45
  and I have talked about in our private times to where I'm like, girl,
• 32:50
  I'm so grateful for you, and like she'll tell me something. She
• 32:52
  was like, oh, I'm doing X, Y and Z this week,
• 32:54
  or I called to let you know that that I decided, like prime example,
• 33:00
  I can say this because you can't say it yourself. On prime example,
• 33:05
  she let go of her building, the building that we were originally doing
• 33:07
  the podcast in, and she was doing a photograph or whatever. I won't
• 33:12
  say whatever, but she was doing everything. She had her own business,
• 33:15
  she had a studio and everything, and she let it go. She she
• 33:19
  was going through that process, but she was going through it alan and at
• 33:22
  some point I think, right I think the month probably about a month out
• 33:28
  possibly, she called me and she was just like, just this is what's
• 33:32
  going on. I'm about to let this go, and you know I'm trying
• 33:36
  to These are my emotions attached to it. And I was like, Okay,
• 33:42
  it's gonna work out. Like we we're gonna we're gonna go through this
• 33:45
  together. So okay, Bet, how do you feel? Do you need
• 33:49
  help moving? Or what are we doing? You know what I'm saying,
• 33:53
  And it was big for her. Some people might look at that as small,
• 33:58
  but for somebody that it's as independent as desiray is. It's self sufficient
• 34:05
  to announce what looks like weakness, to announce and be vulnerable and say,
• 34:13
  hey, sis, but you know what. You know what happens when we
• 34:16
  have those moments though, when people who are independent decide to step up and
• 34:22
  speak what's going on. It's a moment kind of of life or death for
• 34:28
  trust for us. Because if I come to you and say make it plain,
• 34:31
  Rock. If I come to you and say hey, I'm crashing and
• 34:35
  burning right now, you say, oh God, I'm praying for you,
• 34:37
  I'm like, all right, I can call my mama for prayer, Rock,
• 34:43
  so like I can call It's a whole group of intercesses. There are
• 34:45
  innocenses specifically at my parents' church. If I say, hey, I need
• 34:49
  they got they got that color. I'm not looking for that in that moment.
• 34:52
  What I'm looking for is a safe place where I can crash and burn,
• 34:55
  and my friends, my circle is going to come affirm me. They're
• 34:59
  going to speA life back into me, and they gonna say, okay,
• 35:01
  so what we gotta do and they gonna come up with a plan so I
• 35:04
  don't have to think in this moment. So if I come good, If
• 35:07
  I come to you crashing and burning and you're just like all right, Peter,
• 35:10
  pat oh girl, I'm thinking about you, and you're not actually providing
• 35:14
  me a safe place, I'm not probably not gonna come back. So let's
• 35:15
  talk about that. Is what is a safe place for rock, Like,
• 35:20
  what does a safe place look like? Because I know that people have different
• 35:22
  needs, and what that looks like because I know one of the things that
• 35:27
  we pride ourselves on I don't want to say pride with proud to ourselves on
• 35:31
  it. Just as the podcast is being a safe space for influencers, and
• 35:36
  I think that when we originally had this or even going through this setting for
• 35:43
  people to be able to discuss things and be okay with it being announced to
• 35:49
  the world like okay, but I felt safe enough to do this. So
• 35:52
  what does a safe space look like for you? For one, you're not
• 35:59
  requiring me to do any thing because in every area of my life I am
• 36:05
  stretched in some capacity. In my job, I am stretching capacity. I'm
• 36:07
  in a lead role there, and I have to be on two different podcasts
• 36:12
  I have my first daughter have like, I have all these different titles.
• 36:15
  So if I'm coming to you for a safe space, I'm not looking to
• 36:19
  work. I just want to exist. I just want to exist. So
• 36:23
  that's that's the first thing. If I can just exist, I can come
• 36:28
  up in my bonnet and mumu and just be just fine, then we're really
• 36:31
  okay. If I'm gonna be uptight, I don't. I can't get comfortable
• 36:34
  in your house. I just feel like I can't relax here. It's not
• 36:37
  a safe faith with me. If I can be there and just exist whether
• 36:40
  you are there or not, I'm safe here. I feel okay. That's
• 36:44
  the first thing. But two, I'm gonna come to people who are not
• 36:49
  going to be yes men. I don't need yes men. Yes men are
• 36:52
  not safe for me because of who I am, what I have going on,
• 36:57
  who's around me, who I influence, and where I'm destined to go.
• 37:00
  Oh, I can't have yes man. I need people who number one
• 37:02
  have the hold ghost. But two are gonna be sensible enough to give me
• 37:07
  all sides and let me see all sides of what's doing on here. So
• 37:10
  I don't have one straight viewpoint because I could be very loud and wrong.
• 37:15
  So I need you to be able to contradict and say, hey, I
• 37:17
  see your point and you're validated and your point, but also look at it
• 37:20
  this way so I know that you're not just amping me up and say,
• 37:23
  yeah, girl, you right, Because dad, if you're doing all that,
• 37:27
  you're not safe for me because you could be yea or you're right write
• 37:29
  me down into a rabbit hole and I'm looking up from the bottom. How
• 37:31
  did I get here? I just listen to yes, man, listen instead
• 37:35
  of people who are actually like, this is the reality, this is what
• 37:39
  we can do about it, and it's kind of on you about These are
• 37:44
  all the sides. So those two things for sure. Now there's also food
• 37:47
  like if you feed me, yes, God. But other things involve like
• 37:51
  the fun stuff. But those two particularly, you're not requiring anything of me.
• 37:55
  And if I'm able to volunteer things, volunteer my serfs is volunteer.
• 38:00
  Okay, do you need help here? But I don't feel like I'm stretched
• 38:02
  with you. I can just exist with you. And that's how me and
• 38:07
  just became friends because we literally weren't doing anything but just laying on each other
• 38:13
  with twenty other people in the house, like just existing. That's how we
• 38:16
  became friends, and that's how this relationship has maintained. But she also is
• 38:22
  gonna give it to me straight, and I need that, and she calls
• 38:25
  me for the same reason like I'm going to affirm everything that she is.
• 38:29
  I'm going to affirm who she is destined to be and say how amazing she
• 38:31
  is. But I'm also going to say, okay, but also this right
• 38:36
  here, we just need to adjust this a little bit right here and not
• 38:39
  hollering and screaming. And now yet we're not gonna do all that. Don't
• 38:42
  because I'm grown, because I'm let's let's be very clear, I am grown.
• 38:45
  I am not your child. Very clear. I am at that you
• 38:50
  will unsafe place to me real quick. And that's another one. No,
• 38:54
  no, seriously, that's another one. If I feel like you're just going
• 38:58
  to give me the third and fifth degre read every time I come to you,
• 39:00
  then I can't be safe enough to be vulnerable and share my truth with
• 39:04
  it because some of my thoughts are crazy, some of my thoughts do not
• 39:07
  make sense. They jo can listen between I'm telling y'all that I got two
• 39:10
  people wrong. That DELI rate how many times I call you and say this.
• 39:15
  That ain't gonna sound right, But I'm just gonna have to. I'm
• 39:16
  gonna have to tell you I say that I probably at least five times out
• 39:21
  of the month. This sounds crazy, but I gotta tell you this.
• 39:22
  I gotta get this out of my head because everything don't have to make sense
• 39:25
  for me to be your safe space. It does not like why do we
• 39:30
  have to have the good say? And this is what I lean on for
• 39:34
  my friends, Like, okay, if it's meant for me to understand,
• 39:37
  God, allow me to understand it and give advice. Sometimes I need you
• 39:40
  to have the power to listen. Just shut up. I don't know,
• 39:46
  just be quiet. I don't need anything but for you, just like when
• 39:50
  you said the exist part, it just makes it just makes so much sense
• 39:53
  because I just need to and I'm trying not to revert back to this space,
• 39:58
  but I'm having so much revelation on what this platform is and you just
• 40:01
  you provided another revelation. People get to exist in a way they don't get
• 40:06
  to exist anywhere else because I gotta hold up a facade, I gotta hold
• 40:09
  up a certain tone, I gotta hold up the bad and bougie. I
• 40:13
  gotta beat this person that I want to be on a platform where I can
• 40:16
  just like people are tired that it wears you out completely. And and to
• 40:22
  your point that you said earlier about tone and how people speak to you,
• 40:27
  again, if I feel like you're going to reprimand me for everything that I
• 40:30
  do, or I can't be transparent with you, then you're not a safe
• 40:32
  space for me. You're not You're not like And I need to be able
• 40:37
  if I am in the moment, and it takes a lot for me to
• 40:38
  get to the point where I'm boiling or very upset or about to break.
• 40:43
  But if I'm in that place, if I've made it to that level,
• 40:46
  I need to come to you and say exactly what it is, exactly how
• 40:51
  I feel it, without any filters. I'm not gonna make it cute.
• 40:53
  This is what's going on straight down the middle, and it's gonna be some
• 40:57
  words that probably ain't a dictionary. It's gonna come right out and hit you
• 41:00
  in the forehead. But I need to be okay enough that I can say
• 41:05
  all of that to you. And before I Before I this is what I
• 41:07
  usually do before I like fully unload on somebody, I'm like, hey,
• 41:12
  I'm in this place right now. Are you able to handle what I'm about
• 41:15
  to drop teach to people? If you if you can't handle this, I
• 41:17
  will call you later or I'll text you later. But I'm right now I'm
• 41:21
  finna explode. So if you if you call me and say, all right,
• 41:23
  go, you're finna get it, You're finna catch it. And it's
• 41:27
  not nothing personal. This is just flying out for what's happening in my brain.
• 41:30
  And so I don't need advice in that moment. I don't need you
• 41:35
  to pit or pat me. I don't need you to pat me on the
• 41:37
  bag. I just need you to I need to get this out of my
• 41:39
  body. And usually when I get it out of my body, I'm fine,
• 41:43
  but it has to come out. I think another point to bring up
• 41:49
  rock is that noticing that and realizing that, okay, even like I'm in
• 41:54
  I'm a part of the group. Check that she was referring to earlier.
• 41:58
  And even if like she choose to tell one person out of that group something
• 42:02
  that she chooses not to tell me, I have to make I have to
• 42:06
  make well with that, and I can't take that personal. I have to
• 42:10
  really realize the goal of our relationship and that's for you to be okay,
• 42:15
  that's to be for you to be of sound mind. And if you if
• 42:17
  it made you of sound mind to go out and be get what you need
• 42:22
  from another person. I can't be upset with it. It's something I'm not
• 42:25
  gonna lie. It used to bother me when I wasn't the one that was
• 42:30
  chosen say this. I just I just have to be honest about that.
• 42:37
  I felt a certain type of way because oh, I have this role,
• 42:40
  but my DNA wasn't needed for that moment, rob My DNA was not needed
• 42:49
  for that moment. And it does not make me less than because I wasn't
• 42:52
  needed for that moment. But God has given me the strength of the moment
• 42:55
  that I'm needed for. And it's like sometimes we can get so caught up
• 43:00
  in well, you didn't tell me, like I'm obligated or you're obligated to
• 43:04
  tell me something that I might not be graceful in the moment, because what
• 43:08
  do you have on your plate? And if I load you with that,
• 43:10
  then where that's gonna take you. Listen, there's a reason why my whyle
• 43:15
  the Hologos had me say call your dad in that moment. And when by
• 43:19
  time I got on the phone with my mom a little bit later that day
• 43:22
  and I told her, I said, I didn't want to scare you,
• 43:24
  so I didn't call you. I called my dad. She was like,
• 43:28
  you wouldn't have scared me. But she also heard me screaming on the phone
• 43:31
  with my father coming around the corner from the bathroom, and was like,
• 43:35
  who is that on the phone, and she when she realized whose voice it
• 43:37
  was, she was like, that's my baby, and so she broke So
• 43:42
  like, in that moment, it wasn't because my mom was any less.
• 43:45
  She always is the person I go to for emotional support for anything, but
• 43:49
  in that moment, I needed this figure right here. And so you're writing
• 43:53
  that it doesn't it does not discount the person you are in my life.
• 43:57
  It doesn't discount your role in my life. You're a path. But sometimes
• 44:00
  the Lord is doing you a favor by not letting me unload on you because
• 44:05
  you can't handle that in that moment, because depending on what it is,
• 44:07
  you may be trying to drive to where I am knock somebody over like it'd
• 44:12
  be a different situations. There's plenty of things I have not told Jessica Smith
• 44:16
  because you know how I'm the friend that will get on the road. Please
• 44:22
  don't play with me. But it's certain thing is you are you saying the
• 44:25
  right thing. I think some of my friends are starting to realize, Hey,
• 44:29
  let me call her in the morning, because by a God, it's
• 44:34
  a no, don't if you call me, I'm getting up, I'm getting
• 44:37
  a cursing, I'm getting on that road. Ain'ta I'm getting I'm getting on
• 44:42
  the road. Like There's certain things I'll tell her a month later, after
• 44:44
  it's fully resolved and I explain the testimony of the Lord what the Lord has
• 44:47
  done in my life. Because if I tell her in the moment and she
• 44:51
  even if I even look like I'm crying, it's over with Sop. It's
• 44:54
  over with whatever she had going on. I promise about it. It's over.
• 44:58
  It don't even matter because she got location at all times. And the
• 45:00
  point of the matter is she finished come, I would look up and she's
• 45:04
  gonna be like so hey hello and being don't like so it's better for me
• 45:12
  to not tell her certain things. But that's because of her love for me,
• 45:15
  and I know that. But even people in Tallent has to when I
• 45:19
  had the breakdown, they were like, we will leave work to right now.
• 45:21
  Like if you say you need a community and actual bodies in your face,
• 45:23
  we'll leave. Like it's not a thing, but it's a big thing
• 45:28
  about safety and community. You have to feel safe, to be vulnerable,
• 45:31
  to be transparent, and to feel love. To feel love, especially when
• 45:37
  you've experienced betrayal and heard and just people who have literally taken from you and
• 45:44
  not even said I'm sorry. You never can get that time back. You
• 45:49
  can never get those those moments back. You've literally given up yourself, your
• 45:52
  resources, your money, and people have just taken what they need and gone
• 45:57
  to live their lives. And it's just like I never getting that time back.
• 46:00
  So what you've experienced, those experience, those moments like that, it's
• 46:05
  very difficult for you to let anybody new in because it's just like you're gonna
• 46:07
  do exactly what the last person did. You're probably a different face but the
• 46:13
  same spirit. So I don't trust it, and until you can prove otherwise
• 46:15
  to me, you're gonna sit right there. And that's one of the things
• 46:17
  I had to learn, Rock, is that I used to give my trust
• 46:21
  so freely, like I can trust you just because you I believed in giving
• 46:27
  trust and then letting you lose the trust and then just cutting you off because
• 46:31
  it's your fault that you lost the trust. I didn't understand the proper process
• 46:43
  to guard my heart, allow people to gain trusts, like have a love
• 46:47
  like loving them because God does it the same way. He says, Okay,
• 46:51
  yeah, I'm I'm gonna trust you to a certain greed, but you
• 46:53
  gotta meet me some wealth to gain more access in this process of life.
• 46:59
  In this is of life that we do, we expect God to be all
• 47:02
  of him, girl. We expect God to be all of him at in
• 47:07
  the moment that we want him to be all him, like he's going to
• 47:09
  be pimped out. God ain't stupid, And so what I had to realize
• 47:14
  is I'm not gonna be If God ain't gonna be pimped out, I shouldn't
• 47:16
  have to be pimped out either. And so what I'm gonna do is love
• 47:21
  you. But I can love you with boundaries for sure, because I love
• 47:25
  myself. Yeah, And my mom used to tell me when I was younger,
• 47:29
  when I was teenager, they didn't let us go to parties and none
• 47:31
  of that stuff that was not happening, and so you turned so you turned
• 47:36
  out. Oh, when I got to college, it was over week over.
• 47:39
  That's why I'm in college for the second time now, because I failed
• 47:42
  out the first out out Fast Fast nineteen twenty living it. That's why I'm
• 47:52
  in school at thirty one. But doing well, Honey, doing well.
• 47:57
  Give me the paper, Jesus, look, give me a certificate. Anyway,
• 48:00
  she used to tell me when I was younger about guarding your heart and
• 48:05
  what that looks like. Of course I didn't know what that looks like,
• 48:07
  and I in some cases I feel like I still ain't got mastered it at
• 48:10
  this point in my life. But she used to say, until you know
• 48:15
  how to guard your heart, I'm gonna guard it for you. And know
• 48:15
  you can't do X, y Z, and so like it was just a
• 48:20
  matter of you gonna you love everybody, you trust everybody, and so because
• 48:24
  of that, you can't you have discernment? It ain't even on right now.
• 48:27
  So I'm gona just guard it for you until you get of age and
• 48:30
  responsibilities to take care of it yourself. That's so. But at their moments
• 48:34
  to this day, I'm like, did I check all the boxes before I
• 48:37
  let that person fully in my life? Did it? Like? Were they
• 48:39
  a wolf and sheeps clothing? Like where did I drop the ball? And
• 48:43
  where did I miss the step for them to get that close and then wound
• 48:45
  me like they did? Like what did I miss? But sometimes you do
• 48:52
  check all the boxes off, and then there is a reroute, whether in
• 48:57
  your life or whether in a response, whatever it is that takes that person
• 49:02
  elsewhere. And that's a very real thing too. What relationship you have with
• 49:07
  somebody today may not be the same in six months, And that's a very
• 49:12
  real thing. And that's and I think a lot of times we bank on
• 49:16
  people not being seasonal and immediately expect them to be forever because of how amazing
• 49:23
  they are and how much were we click right from the jump? Okay,
• 49:27
  and even with us, like I think both of us were in a place
• 49:30
  of oh she really cool, Like that's cool. It's a vibe, but
• 49:34
  not thinking that this was last past ninety We didn't. We didn't think I
• 49:37
  thought it was very temporary. Yeah, I never thought we were gonna I'm
• 49:40
  not thinking it's gonna last past ninety days, let alone six months, because
• 49:45
  most people don't last. Like it's a really cool we have dinner, lunch
• 49:46
  days, talk on FaceTime for a couple of da you Q you fun,
• 49:50
  you a good time, but after that, like, it's not gonna last.
• 49:52
  There's no depth there. But all in all, like relationships like this
• 49:59
  clearly staying in the test with test of time. But there are other people
• 50:00
  in your life where you like, oh, we're finna be girls. We've
• 50:05
  been a plan our birthday trips for the next five years when it was needed
• 50:07
  for that moment, needed for that moment, and so that seasonal purpose person.
• 50:13
  Again, it doesn't make them any less, doesn't make you any less
• 50:16
  of a person either if they disconnect from you. But the reality is the
• 50:21
  Lord needed them in that position for that moment. So there was something that
• 50:24
  they had and you weren't using them, You were not using them, but
• 50:28
  there was something that they had in that moment that the Lord needed to get
• 50:30
  out of them. For you or vice versa. And once that exchange took
• 50:36
  place, then he was like, okay, cool, there's no beef here,
• 50:38
  there's no bad blood, there's no issues. We're still really great friends,
• 50:42
  are still cordial at least, but there's a disconnect now and they're not
• 50:45
  as close to me as they were because life happened and things change. There's
• 50:50
  nothing wrong with that. That's going to happen at adult friendships. But we
• 50:52
  get hurt. Our feelings get hurt in relationships, friendships, any kind of
• 50:57
  connections because like, oh, it's not the same like it used to be.
• 51:00
  Maybe the Lord desired that to be a sixty day situation, but you
• 51:04
  thought it was gonna be the Golden Girl, like there was gonna be it
• 51:07
  fear because you were unhealed in areas that don't allow us to see it as
• 51:14
  for what it is. Because we need career. Because and that's the importance
• 51:21
  of That's why we did the whole Mental Health Monday, I mean not mental
• 51:25
  Health Mondays, but mental Health Awareness Month, just so because you said something,
• 51:30
  Thank you all the spirit for giving us the avenue to go back to
• 51:32
  something you said you said earlier that you had to come to a place where
• 51:40
  you forgave you. And I think that we we give the power of forgiveness
• 51:50
  to everybody else but ourselves for ourselves. And the beautiful thing about the ability
• 51:55
  of realizing the power to forgive self because the beautiful thing about the Scripture of
• 52:02
  I think it was when Peter Peter told, ask God, you know how
• 52:07
  many times should you forgive? And he says seven times seventy. That didn't
• 52:12
  just mean for everybody else. That literally meant for everybody, and you're included.
• 52:15
  It says, love thy neighbor as thyself, and you can only I
• 52:21
  would put the word in forgive thy neighbor as you've forgiven yourself. And the
• 52:25
  revelation I've recently had is that understanding or learning how to forgive ourselves gives us
• 52:35
  the power to not only forgive others, but apologize to others, because the
• 52:39
  root of all those things is forgiveness of ourselves, right. And so I
• 52:45
  think understanding the power of forgiveness and how that is connected to our healing is
• 52:52
  so important. And the only the reflection that I have, well, the
• 52:58
  intellect that I have of a relation with others and how I deal with others
• 53:01
  is a reflection of my relationship with me absolutely absolutely, and hearing forgive yourself
• 53:07
  was the second time I heard it in a week today. So it was
• 53:12
  one thing that came up last weekend when I was with the other young ladies.
• 53:16
  The Woman of God said, like, You're gonna have to forgive yourself
• 53:20
  for allowing yourself into certain spaces and allowing people into your space who had no
• 53:24
  right to be there. But in a moment of weakness, in a moment
• 53:28
  of vulnerability and a moment of hurt depression, you allowed things to come into
• 53:32
  your life just to feel okay. And now you have all this regret and
• 53:37
  hurt and sadness and frustration because you had an opening, and now you have
• 53:43
  to go back and repent for that, for repent for the action, but
• 53:46
  also forgive yourself for even allowing it. So by the time Pastor C said
• 53:52
  it again today, like you need to forgive yourself, and it was I'm
• 53:57
  having to have very honest conversations with myself over the last couple of days,
• 54:01
  last couple of weeks, in reflective mode about things that I had no business
• 54:09
  doing and people I had no business being with or being around. It's just
• 54:14
  like what was going on. But every single what I have found, and
• 54:20
  I need to do some deep work for some other stuff, but this is
• 54:22
  the common denominator that I have found just in the quick amount of time that
• 54:27
  I've been thinking about these things. Anytime that I have allowed access to anybody
• 54:31
  in my life who wasn't supposed to be there, in my circle, in
• 54:36
  my village, in my house, in whatever it was, and given access,
• 54:38
  conversations, access physically, whatever it was, I was either depressed,
• 54:44
  highly anxious, or alone. That was it. That's these are the commented
• 54:49
  or grieving, that was it. Anytime I was heavily drinking, anytime that
• 54:54
  I was not okay in my mind, anytime that I feel like I needed
• 54:59
  love physic, anytime I did any of these things that were contrary to who
• 55:04
  the Lord had called me to be. I was in one of those places.
• 55:07
  And a lot of them stand for grief, because I dealt with grief
• 55:09
  very early, and it was back to back Greek, then grief again in
• 55:13
  the last couple of months, and I had made it a point during this
• 55:16
  last bout of grief that was heavy hitting for me, that I would not
• 55:22
  revert back to old behavior because a decade ago or twelve years ago, when
• 55:29
  grief hit me like I did, I either ran to men physically or ran
• 55:34
  to other vices to just numb the pain and keep numbing the pain. And
• 55:38
  then there's five ten years later that you're still feeling the pain like it just
• 55:42
  happened. You never actually dealt with that. You numbed it in the moment,
• 55:45
  and then you gave access to all these soul ties and everything else that
• 55:47
  you're now dealing with that you have to let go of and also forgive yourself.
• 55:52
  And so I made a conscious decision this last round, like, Okay,
• 55:57
  well we're not going to do is do that because we can't afford to
• 56:00
  have any other soul ties. Can't we can't afford to have any other deliverance
• 56:05
  services for anything. I'm exhausted. I need delivering service for the last thirty
• 56:10
  one years. I can't do another five doesn't like I can't. I cannot
• 56:16
  continue to add on to the pile what I've already done. I've done it
• 56:22
  though I've lived four different lives. At this point, I'm done. Okay,
• 56:25
  so I don't need to add that on. So it's a moment of
• 56:29
  Okay, we're gonna choose to grieve healthily. You can be sad, you
• 56:31
  can like be upset, you can. Depression is a very real thing,
• 56:36
  and considering what I've been through is last six seven months alone, for sure.
• 56:40
  But it was a decision and a choice for me in that moment,
• 56:45
  like, we're gonna do better, we're gonna live better, and we're striving
• 56:49
  to ultimately live holy. So let's let's change the dynamics, change people that
• 56:53
  we're around in this moment to adjust to be better. And while we're striving
• 56:59
  to be better, Yes, we're going to knock out some of these old
• 57:00
  wounds and pasted and we're going to handle these things, but we're gonna forgive
• 57:04
  ourselves because immaturity was in play, The wrong crowd was around you. There
• 57:08
  were so many variables that were around you in that moment, and nobody was
• 57:15
  saying, hey, there's more for you, there's better for you in that
• 57:19
  moment, and the people that were were so far removed that they didn't even
• 57:22
  know what was happening. In the moments, I'm surrounding myself with people who
• 57:27
  just want to turn up, who just want to go vibe, who just
• 57:29
  want to go do whatever. So nobody is saying, hey, this is
• 57:32
  not you. You're not okay. Actually, And the moment I separated from
• 57:39
  certain people is the moment where the correct crowd was able to come in and
• 57:45
  say, hey, there's some deep work that needs to be done. Yeah,
• 57:50
  And I didn't realize how hurt and how just this trash had just been
• 57:55
  sitting on my heart, on my mind, on my because just keep going
• 58:01
  through cycles of life without taking a second to say, hey, there's some
• 58:06
  things I need to offload here. Yeah, I keep piling on life,
• 58:09
  stuff keep piling on. And so if I'm wanting to be a mother at
• 58:15
  some point, if I want to be a wife at some point, I
• 58:20
  have to I have to unload because my husband has to deal with my trauma
• 58:28
  and my children are gonna come out of me because the gag is is that
• 58:32
  the beautiful thing? And I just I just talked to this about this not
• 58:37
  too long ago with some of my friends that are students, that realizing the
• 58:45
  family is so important because it's a development center. If we really understand,
• 58:50
  when you build your own families to development center. So the work I go
• 58:53
  ahead and do, I put my family in an advantage because there's gonna be
• 58:57
  some things that come out of me. That my truer was gon trigger that
• 59:00
  I didn't know they was still there, That my husband's gonna trigger that I
• 59:02
  didn't know it was still there. That if I'm healed enough on my own
• 59:06
  that I can bear the bear the I have watched this. I have self
• 59:10
  care tic tactics, and I'm healed enough to know how to grieve the process
• 59:15
  of the old me, how to grieve the trigger, how to grieve what
• 59:19
  happened, what was exposed to me. And one thing I know about me
• 59:22
  I don't know about anybody else. I am called I'm an call it as
• 59:25
  a bloodline breaker. So it's gotta come to me. I gotta see it
• 59:29
  because if, if what, how am I gonna break something I don't know
• 59:31
  about? Listen to how am I gonna break something I don't know about?
• 59:36
  So but the best version of me, and because I want to, because
• 59:39
  I know it's some wives on here that listen. Okay, you you're doing
• 59:43
  the healing word. You're you're being exposed. No, you're not less than
• 59:46
  for the simple fact that things are being exposed. Yeah, you did some
• 59:50
  work before, but God says there's even greater that I have in store for
• 59:52
  you, because it goes beyond you. And when we realize that we're able
• 59:59
  to be in an a sound space and allow that process to continue to go.
• 1:00:02
  It's always room for healing always, It's always room for growth. It's
• 1:00:07
  always rooms for development. Y'all. You didn't talk good today. That's so
• 1:00:12
  good. You know what it made me think about? Now? You want
• 1:00:15
  to say something as he talked about, there's always room for growth and healing
• 1:00:20
  as long as you're open to it. Yeah, you know, the Holy
• 1:00:22
  Spirit will bring will bring it around. Right. So I got a dog
• 1:00:25
  probably twenty two. I got a Bebo, and Bibo was a pit and
• 1:00:32
  because Bebo was five four when I got him, in my mind, I'm
• 1:00:37
  thinking, oh, you know, he gonna want to go do his own
• 1:00:39
  little thing and just sit over there and just be a dog over there.
• 1:00:42
  But no, Bibo want to be under me, right, which is not
• 1:00:45
  a problem until I started to see the problem. Right. I just remember
• 1:00:49
  one time I started to get aggravated because he was up under me all the
• 1:00:52
  time, right, And I started to see my mom, right, I
• 1:00:59
  started to see like the frustrations that my mom would get. Okay, break,
• 1:01:04
  okay, And so the Lord is funny because I saw my town home
• 1:01:08
  and I've never really been that like touchy philly emotionally type person anyway. Right,
• 1:01:14
  So the Lord is funny because I sold my town home and I go
• 1:01:17
  stay with my friend who has two twin girls, and I've never stayed with
• 1:01:22
  children before. But I had a dog, right, and he allowed me
• 1:01:25
  to have that moment to just to be like, I found myself hugging on
• 1:01:31
  him and I was just all in a space and just talking to him,
• 1:01:34
  and I had the best of time. And so now that that healed something
• 1:01:37
  in me that I know that I had been lacking as a little girl.
• 1:01:43
  And my prayer is that you know, I was able to me and my
• 1:01:45
  friend we had lots of conversations, and she was able to see something different
• 1:01:51
  as well, because she grew up in a space where she had to grow
• 1:01:53
  up kind of early, you know, to take care of herself because you
• 1:01:57
  know, financially it wasn't the best. So she in her mind was doing
• 1:02:00
  and the best that she knew how to do. But she was only doing
• 1:02:02
  what she knew. So my prayer is that she was able to see,
• 1:02:07
  Okay, it's okay for me to you know, be nurturing. It's okay,
• 1:02:10
  Like love looks different, you know, outside of what we already know.
• 1:02:15
  And so I just thought it was hilarious that in the time that me
• 1:02:20
  and b BO had was only a year, like I rehomed him back.
• 1:02:22
  I got him November of twenty twenty two, and I rehomed him in January
• 1:02:28
  of twenty twenty three last year. And it was so cool because when I
• 1:02:31
  picked him up from this family, he literally jumped in the car and was
• 1:02:35
  like, okay, let's go right. When I took him to this family
• 1:02:37
  that I was dropping him off with, he literally I brought this I was
• 1:02:42
  doing good too. I brought his stuff in, and you know, he
• 1:02:45
  was just walking around. And when I got ready to leave, he jumped
• 1:02:46
  up on me like he was giving me a hood. Like it was almost
• 1:02:49
  like he was releasing me or letting me know that that assignment was done,
• 1:02:52
  like he had done his part. And I was like, how cool is
• 1:02:55
  that? Like God loved me just that much to begin to heal something in
• 1:03:01
  my heart because I too, am going to be married with children and things
• 1:03:04
  of that nature, and I just want to be able to you know,
• 1:03:07
  love them differently than what I have, and he used the whole to that
• 1:03:12
  point. I'm currently living something similar. So I moved out of my apartment
• 1:03:17
  in January and moved into a town home with my girlfriend and her toddler.
• 1:03:23
  And I am now selling somebody the other day, I am now playing an
• 1:03:28
  intricate part in raising this little boy. And before I went over there,
• 1:03:34
  the Man of God, I was saying, because I had all these hesitations
• 1:03:40
  and all these things, I was like, I used to be by myself.
• 1:03:43
  I'm used to coming home to my own space and quiet. And he
• 1:03:45
  said, okay, you want to be a mom one day? And I
• 1:03:47
  said, you know, he good for dropping real quick drop, So I'm
• 1:03:52
  in agreeing with you. So I said yeah. He said, okay,
• 1:04:00
  you need to know what this looks like and so, and he was right,
• 1:04:02
  because if I go from I've never lived in a house with kids,
• 1:04:08
  and I'm the oldest, So like, if I go from single, amazing
• 1:04:13
  woman to marry with children, it's gonna be a culture shock for me to
• 1:04:16
  wake up and y'all here every day? Where is y'all going? You know?
• 1:04:20
  Where sit y'all here every day? Who's coming to get y'all. Where
• 1:04:25
  is y'all at? I'm t t of the year. I pick him up,
• 1:04:27
  I drop them off. Okay, I don't linger. So going from
• 1:04:30
  that to being in a house with a to I mean a toddler, full
• 1:04:35
  on boy, crawling on fronture and everything. So I'm just like he here
• 1:04:40
  y'all day, like every day. And for the first thirty days, I
• 1:04:43
  think my body was just like I don't know what's happening. I stayed in
• 1:04:45
  my room, secluded. But finally the Lord allowed me to say, you're
• 1:04:49
  here for help, like I just need you here for help for a moment,
• 1:04:53
  like it also is helping you with resources and things like that, but
• 1:04:56
  I'm hearing for you to help. And so I was able to incorporate myself.
• 1:05:00
  Okay, rock koll, get out your brain, this is not about
• 1:05:01
  you right now, yeah, and get into the flow of what was happening.
• 1:05:05
  And so now he's looking for me, like we're having the relationship that
• 1:05:12
  he's looking for me if I ain't there when you come back home, like
• 1:05:14
  and he's three, but he knows what he's right, No, he runs
• 1:05:18
  six. So that's going on. But I also was able to lighten a
• 1:05:23
  burden off of my friend because it's been single motherhood and now somebody is there
• 1:05:29
  to buryer in between you. So you can go think while I keep on
• 1:05:31
  entertained for forty five minutes, because you've been at work all day like I've
• 1:05:34
  been working, Like yeah, so go think for a second. I may
• 1:05:36
  entertain him. We're gonna watch some cars and trucks, and we're gonna we'll
• 1:05:39
  be here when you get back. That's so good, and so it was
• 1:05:44
  very it was very telling to me that, Okay, this is not about
• 1:05:47
  you. You need to finish this season right now because somebody needs your help
• 1:05:50
  and needs a barrier to get some things in order, and you're gonna have
• 1:05:54
  to be that and be humble in this moment. I know what Lord's like,
• 1:05:57
  I know what you want, I know what you actually desire, I
• 1:05:59
  know you actually want to be. But right now, it's really not about
• 1:06:02
  you. And when we realized that, first of all, it was gett
• 1:06:06
  I'm gonna say that, But once you actually settle in the fact that,
• 1:06:11
  okay, I'm being used with that right now, I really I can kick
• 1:06:13
  it, scream all day, or I could just submit that we can get
• 1:06:15
  over through this whole season quicker if I can go ahead and settle into because
• 1:06:17
  the truth is rough. If he had not put you in a position that
• 1:06:20
  you were in, you wouldn't have been willing if he just said I need
• 1:06:25
  you to go do this. Oh no, if he want to put Desiraate
• 1:06:27
  in a position of okay, move out of your town home, she wouldn't
• 1:06:30
  have been If he would have said, this is what I really want out
• 1:06:33
  of this situation. We were like God, but why would I inconvenience myself
• 1:06:39
  to do that? And the you know what the gig is. I already
• 1:06:41
  had a key to her house. I had a key to her house when
• 1:06:45
  I first moved to Florida, like she was, I was getting ready to
• 1:06:48
  do the podcast. I had no WiFi in my apartment, so I went
• 1:06:50
  to her house and did my podcast for months. So she gave me a
• 1:06:54
  key in January of twenty two. So he was already sitting you up.
• 1:06:57
  I was already setting me up, and I was already leave notes in England's
• 1:07:00
  to say love your roommate, stuff like that before we even way. She
• 1:07:05
  has a letter on her fridge to this day that it was one day she
• 1:07:10
  was It was just a rough day, and I said, I love you
• 1:07:12
  so much. You're doing a great job. Love you slash roommate. That
• 1:07:14
  was a year before I actually moved into the house, so like he was
• 1:07:17
  already setting up all the things. But if he would have told me in
• 1:07:19
  June of last year had go live over there, I'm like, uh,
• 1:07:24
  for when my Alexa is having the time over here, I'm not gonna go.
• 1:07:27
  So you love Alexa. They know I love my Alexa. Now Alexa,
• 1:07:31
  next song they know mana god be hollered on the phone. Alexa turned
• 1:07:35
  down to natchi'z like babe. She talked to Alexa like she a whole,
• 1:07:39
  like she's there, Alexa, my baby. So you know. I was
• 1:07:42
  good. But he put me in a position where the moment I was getting
• 1:07:45
  ready to move out, I said, yeah, I'm fineling. She was
• 1:07:48
  like, where are you gonna live? I was like, oh, I
• 1:07:49
  don't know. She was like, just come over here. You already have
• 1:07:51
  a key. What are we talking about right now? Yeah, and a
• 1:07:54
  provision had already been made. When I haven't racked my brain for sixty days
• 1:07:57
  trying to figure out what I'm gonna do. Yeah, the Lord was like,
• 1:08:00
  you could just go literally six minutes down street. Yeah, so yeah,
• 1:08:08
  y'all. This the power of sisterhood, the power of letting your guard
• 1:08:14
  down, because I can't I can't even believe that I used to say that
• 1:08:16
  I didn't do women. Can I say that real quick? So just knows
• 1:08:21
  I have an entire organization. At this point, I was just that it's
• 1:08:26
  called strength and Sisterhood. Yep. And I said how much? By today,
• 1:08:30
  when my lashes were in my hand, I said, how much of
• 1:08:33
  it is a joke that you have built a brand called strength and Sisterhood and
• 1:08:38
  you don't trust nobody women in specific, women specifically women specifically. And that's
• 1:08:43
  why I thought it was so beautiful that PC had every woman, like literally
• 1:08:50
  every woman that was attached to my church was surrounding you, like I think,
• 1:08:59
  I looked, and God was just like reminded me. He was like,
• 1:09:03
  man, the same thing that enemy tried to oppose you with, it's
• 1:09:08
  the same thing that I'm using for my glory. Literally, And she said,
• 1:09:13
  you're not used to leaning on women and letting them hold you up,
• 1:09:17
  but like we literally got you. And I felt my body like falling over,
• 1:09:21
  but I did not fall. And it was just like no, they
• 1:09:27
  really do physically and spiritually. They have you right now, so if you
• 1:09:30
  fall over, it's fine. And by the time the Lord had just come
• 1:09:34
  because she wasn't in the mix of the beginning portions. But by the time
• 1:09:39
  I was headed towards the floor and like fully breaking, he had her come
• 1:09:43
  in my face. So then I'm already breaking. But then I see your
• 1:09:45
  literal village in your face and say, this is also a representation for me,
• 1:09:50
  and all the sisters in our group chat to say we also got your
• 1:09:53
  back, so you're surrounded. And one thing the Lord gave me last weekend
• 1:09:58
  I was when I was out in the mountains Saturday morning, I got up
• 1:10:00
  super early to go journal and write and stuff, and I just wrote out
• 1:10:04
  some very raw thoughts and they were hurtful, and they were just a lot.
• 1:10:08
  But the Lord said, closure eyes, and I did. And I
• 1:10:12
  was in this white room and I was standing by myself, and then the
• 1:10:17
  Lord put my parents, my brother, and my sister around me and was
• 1:10:23
  like there, and then he put more people around and I just after that,
• 1:10:27
  I didn't see faces anymore outside of my siblings and my dad and my
• 1:10:30
  parents. But the group kept growing of all these people who loved me and
• 1:10:38
  I could trust. And the Lord was like, you're literally surrounded by love.
• 1:10:42
  You're not alone. Because I had written I feel so alone. I
• 1:10:45
  feel like nobody hears me. I feel like I'm screaming and nobody can hear.
• 1:10:49
  And after all that, he said, closure eyes and showed me this
• 1:10:53
  village. And I had explained that to the young ladies. When we got
• 1:10:58
  to the afternoon activities, we were talking and stuff, and I explained that
• 1:11:01
  and they all said the same thing. They said, we literally just felt
• 1:11:04
  the same way, Like it was God that you said that out loud.
• 1:11:08
  I was like, I felt so alone, But the Lord was just like,
• 1:11:10
  you're surrounded. You're literally surrounded. I have set you up with one
• 1:11:14
  of the best villages in the world, but you have to utilize them that
• 1:11:18
  part because you're fighting by yourself and I didn't ask you to. So then
• 1:11:24
  we have groups like Strength and Sisterhood where you're literally bringing women together to have
• 1:11:30
  a support team and to lean on one another, and you won't do it.
• 1:11:33
  That's crazy, gonna be He's gonna be the organizer, like, and
• 1:11:36
  not take heed from what you've created, what I've given you the cred.
• 1:11:40
  That's crazy. You're gonna be the hypocrite, you hypocrite. You're literally gonna
• 1:11:44
  form this, You're gonna do all the branding, You're gonna put all the
• 1:11:45
  things together. The group needs everything else to make sure that these women have
• 1:11:48
  a community of healthy women and bonding. Just for you to be alone because
• 1:11:53
  you don't want anybody else to feel what you felt, but you're really unwilling
• 1:11:58
  to break how you felt. What kind of hypocrite stuff is that? Yeah,
• 1:12:02
  like, I'm so glad that we're free. I'm so glad that we're
• 1:12:06
  whole and we're free and we're leaning on each other as women were strengthened and
• 1:12:12
  you crying in the dark. What kind of foolishes is that? Like,
• 1:12:16
  I'm glad, I'm glad we do life together for real, we do and
• 1:12:20
  a period, y'all. She'd be saying to me in my voice memo,
• 1:12:25
  y' don't know. Listen, baby, we voice memo around real bad,
• 1:12:29
  real bad. Like I don't I don't like texting. I just want to
• 1:12:30
  get I want to know right now. Facetiming I do. I do like
• 1:12:35
  face timing when Jess, when I see Jess's face come on FaceTime. I
• 1:12:39
  need to go ahead. Whatever I'm doing, I just need to stop for
• 1:12:42
  the next two hours because she finnah, go for it. I don't like
• 1:12:46
  like regular talking. I'm gonna see if if I like you like that for
• 1:12:51
  real, like if you my people, I'm gonna FaceTime you. I don't
• 1:12:55
  like regular conversations. It was one day of particular. I was cooking.
• 1:12:58
  It was a Saturday. I was cooking and I was move. I was
• 1:13:00
  on move. I was on face home. Man of God just came across
• 1:13:03
  the sad. I said, Bay, I'm gonna call you back. Reality.
• 1:13:06
  He's like, everything okay, I said, I will just call you.
• 1:13:09
  Don't worry about it. I don't worry about it. If it's been
• 1:13:13
  like, if it's in a while, give me my time and then i'll
• 1:13:17
  call you back. I'll call you back like a couple of hours. But
• 1:13:19
  wait a minute, and then it's a problem if I can't see you,
• 1:13:21
  because Stacy, we want to be in a dark No, ma'am, why
• 1:13:24
  can't I see you. I can't even see your glasses. So give me
• 1:13:27
  something. I just making my eggs. Prop the phone up. Just y'all
• 1:13:30
  get it out. I'm right here, girl, we're god. I know
• 1:13:31
  desil Ray no, so I think Desiray gets it worse obviously, and so
• 1:13:35
  when she don't answer the phone, I'll be mad. So I text and
• 1:13:41
  it's bad. So if you be friend me, just know that's that's I
• 1:13:44
  don't know if that's part of my love language. I just want to FaceTime.
• 1:13:46
  That's part of that's part of who I am. But uh, Rock,
• 1:13:49
  I think this has been such a healthy conversation, and you know this
• 1:13:59
  is not your last time come in here. I'm just grateful for you.
• 1:14:05
  I'm grateful for our relationship. I'm grateful to be a witness of your growth.
• 1:14:10
  I'm grateful that you trust this safe space to even just talk about the
• 1:14:14
  experience that you just had, Like this is not something that oh I've overcome
• 1:14:17
  this. It's so easy to talk about what you overcome living. You're living.
• 1:14:21
  You're in this space, and so I want to say congratulations because I
• 1:14:26
  book therapy. You're in therapy. I booked my first appointments. Let's go,
• 1:14:32
  let's go. So she just kind of let us let y'all know that
• 1:14:38
  this was pre recorded, but y'all sorry, yeah, but y'all would be
• 1:14:45
  all right, by the time y'all see this, y'all gonna be the needed
• 1:14:48
  right. And so I'm grateful. I'm grateful for you, and I'm proud
• 1:14:54
  of you. Desirae. Hey, baby, these these yes be wearing us
• 1:15:00
  out. Huh. Jessica a great friend she is. I will I will
• 1:15:04
  say, you know, I'm I was just listening. I hadn't said much
• 1:15:06
  because I was just listening listening to you guys. It just kind of seemed,
• 1:15:12
  you know, just doing myself past, like all right, little well,
• 1:15:14
  I'm at okay, that's cool, and you know, I'm still growing
• 1:15:16
  in that area as well as like trusting, trusting women and trusting friends.
• 1:15:21
  Right mm hmmm, I'm very real things. It's okay, Daisy, come
• 1:15:36
  on. When I had moved out, it's this apartment, I was.
• 1:15:45
  I was excited, but I was struggling for some reason, Like I'm a
• 1:15:49
  morning person. I used to getting up and going and I was struggling to
• 1:15:56
  do that. And one day just calling me, cause you know, we
• 1:16:02
  put the face on and we go. We do, we keep moving,
• 1:16:05
  we keep pushing. But she called me one day and we were just talking
• 1:16:12
  and she was like, you're good, and I was like, you know,
• 1:16:15
  I'm just struggling to get up, and she was like, oh no,
• 1:16:17
  uh uh, We're going to lunch. And we went to Malo's and
• 1:16:25
  it was something about that day. It was like the sun just came back
• 1:16:30
  on and I had never experienced anything like that before. But I'm so grateful
• 1:16:36
  that God put you in my life because I probably would never said anything,
• 1:16:47
  but I'm grateful, so thank you for being a friend. Jessica. You're
• 1:16:53
  a good friend. Okay, Okay, bye. Jessica is the kind of
• 1:16:58
  friend that we won't talk for weeks, but she'll text and say I'm so
• 1:17:05
  proud of you and I love you, and it will literally be the only
• 1:17:10
  saving grace to me to make it through that day and shed we but she'll
• 1:17:14
  just peep me up in the spirit. The Lord has given her that gift.
• 1:17:17
  And I think that is why the enemy has fought you so hard about
• 1:17:21
  loving women, because there's so much life that you have to give, because
• 1:17:28
  you literally came in and rescued me on the roughest of days without knowing,
• 1:17:34
  just like for days without you knowing. So I told somebody one day,
• 1:17:41
  the people who the Lord has called to change a nation and generation, he
• 1:17:45
  fights us in our relationships. You can't trust here, you can't love here,
• 1:17:50
  you can't give anything here because they're going to take advantage of you.
• 1:17:54
  But people need you just like and I'll dezel if you know this, when
• 1:17:58
  she was coming to my event, when I say, all hell broke loose
• 1:18:01
  for her to get to Salahassean, Yeah, just for her to get in
• 1:18:05
  that room. And women were set free because of what she said. It's
• 1:18:13
  a testament of how much power you have. So we don't take your relationship
• 1:18:19
  for like at all, at all, You're amazing. I gotta get out
• 1:18:29
  of here, y'all family. By now, y'all know that I am a
• 1:18:34
  words of affirmation person. And so it's not because I don't do it for
• 1:18:41
  that, but just a hear that my my awkwardness or my drive to be
• 1:18:48
  like, hey, I'm that chick and I'm that friend. That is accurate
• 1:18:55
  and that is it is needed, you know. And so the the thing
• 1:19:00
  I don't know if y'all can hear me on this, the thing that the
• 1:19:04
  enemy fights you on the most, has a huge part of your purpose.
• 1:19:09
  Like I would have never thought that I was called the women. I would
• 1:19:12
  have never thought that I would have a podcast because I'm ratchet. I'm not
• 1:19:15
  as intellectual. I'm intellectual in a different way, but not as eloquently spoken
• 1:19:23
  as many. I'm just me and that's all I know how to be.
• 1:19:27
  In this moment, I'm learning how to do that. And so man,
• 1:19:30
  this this conversation is so free. I know if it's free and for me,
• 1:19:33
  I know the community. They they loving these conversations, y'all, and
• 1:19:38
  I'm so grateful that this is the platform that God decides to use. It's
• 1:19:45
  a tradition for the for me to ask the guests about final thoughts. If
• 1:19:51
  there is anything that you would want to leave to people, if they didn't
• 1:19:56
  hear anything else you said today, what would you what would you want to
• 1:20:00
  leave with them? Trust God the first time, the first time. That's
• 1:20:11
  one thing they said today to me too, confirming that I do hear God's
• 1:20:15
  voice. And when you allow traumas and triggers to deter you, you could
• 1:20:24
  be talking yourself right out the most amazing season of your life. So if
• 1:20:29
  the Lord has fully released you and said, hey, I need you to
• 1:20:31
  do this, I need you to go here, I need you to be
• 1:20:33
  connect with that person you can trust it. He's not going to drop you.
• 1:20:39
  He's the one person that's not gonna drop you. And he'll set people
• 1:20:42
  up around you that won't either. But you can trust his voice. Yeah,
• 1:20:45
  So trust him the first time. It'll open the door to some of
• 1:20:49
  the most beautiful experiences of your life. If I would not have said yes
• 1:20:54
  to trust in God to move to Tala has to you with no money and
• 1:20:57
  no job and nowhere to live, he would not have allowed. He would
• 1:21:00
  not have had the opportunity to get me isolated to do some deep surgery on
• 1:21:04
  my soul. Wow. So that was a yes almost three years ago.
• 1:21:12
  Yeah, and I don't regret it. I'm so proud of you. Oh
• 1:21:15
  my gosh, Yo, this one I might be scared to rewatch this.
• 1:21:26
  I be scared. This one's so good. This one's so good. Rock.
• 1:21:29
  I want to say thank you again. I love you. You're so
• 1:21:31
  beautiful, and I can't wait to have me and Rock gonna do something together.
• 1:21:35
  We're gonna I feel it like it's gonna be event. It's gonna be
• 1:21:38
  something. So when it happened, y'all come outside, y'all come thinking about
• 1:21:43
  it. You thinking about it? Girl? Anyway, No, I'm I'm
• 1:21:47
  already skimming. Oh you already skim? Oh that's what you mean. I
• 1:21:50
  was like, you're thinking about it. No, I just know it's going
• 1:21:54
  to happen. We're just trying to figure it out. Ways. I love
• 1:21:59
  you, I love you y'all. This one's been a good one. But
• 1:22:04
  until next week, remember life could be much more simple if you just said
• 1:22:11
  so. That's cute. Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode.
• 1:22:21
  Since you've made it this far, you might as well connect with us on
• 1:22:25
  all social media platforms at the Jessica S. Smith. I know I won't
• 1:22:30
  see you back until next week, but until then, remember to love always
• 1:22:35
  yourself and always thank thank God for one another day. Hey, hey,
• 1:22:44
  I know we could be another way. Hey, pray thank God for another
• 1:22:50
  day. Hey hey, I'm just thankful for another day. Hey, another
• 1:23:00
  day older, another day wise, another day to get it right, another
• 1:23:04
  day that rise up, another day living, another day we loved ones.
• 1:23:08
  I always remember hold it down for a ball one yo.