Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #111 Making Memories

Transcript

#111 Making Memories · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the type poor.
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  Speaker 2: Parent who's just what answers Now.
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  Speaker 1: I'm doctor Justin Coilson and I'm joined by Luken Susie,
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  Speaker 1: husband and wife radio duo with three young boys. Myself, well,
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  Speaker 1: my wife Kylie and I have six young daughters. Well,
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  Speaker 1: actually the youngest is young. The oldest has been marriage.
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  Speaker 1: She has just celebrated the first year anniversary. Can you
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  Speaker 1: believe that? I can't believe that. I feel surprisingly young
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  Speaker 1: for somebody who's got a daughter who's been married for
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  Speaker 1: twelve months. Anyway, today, we just want our kids to
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  Speaker 1: have amazing childhoods. I mean, that's what every parent dreams
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  Speaker 1: of their children, looking back dreamily on all of those
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  Speaker 1: wonderful experiences they had as families. But sometimes it feels
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  Speaker 1: like we're never going to get there. If we want
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  Speaker 1: them to have great childhoods, we want them to have
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  Speaker 1: such special childhoods. How do we make that happen. We've
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  Speaker 1: got a listener question that makes this a really great
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  Speaker 1: conversation to have.
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  Speaker 3: Melanie is the wisdom behind this question. I love it
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  Speaker 3: so much and I'm going to be taking notes on
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  Speaker 3: this one. She says, I feel like I'm failing at
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  Speaker 3: creating good memories.
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  Speaker 2: For my kids.
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  Speaker 3: I see my friends doing amazing holidays and picnics, and
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  Speaker 3: all I ever seem to do is just the basic
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  Speaker 3: house work and getting the kids through their day. How
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  Speaker 3: do I make sure my kids have happy memories of
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  Speaker 3: their childhood?
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  Speaker 1: Well, the first thing that I would say is stop
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  Speaker 1: looking at everybody else. Teddy Roosevelt said comparison is the
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  Speaker 1: thief of joy. And can I tell you there are
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  Speaker 1: so many psychological studies that highlight the terrible undoing of
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  Speaker 1: well being that comparison creates. So stop looking at everyone's
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  Speaker 1: Instagram and Facebook. Just just give yourself a holiday from
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  Speaker 1: it for a little while, because not only will you
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  Speaker 1: stop comparing, but you'll also free up a whole lot
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  Speaker 1: of time to make memories with your own children.
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  Speaker 3: There's step one. So what actually makes good memories for
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  Speaker 3: our kids? I think that's a really interesting thing to
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  Speaker 3: look at here, because we can think it's the picnics
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  Speaker 3: and the holidays and the amazing experiences. But I look
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  Speaker 3: back and like, some of my favorite memories are just
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  Speaker 3: sitting in front of the TV together as a family,
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  Speaker 3: eating our meal and having funny conversations or dancing in
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  Speaker 3: the lound room because Dad's put on his favorite record.
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  Speaker 2: Or teasing my sister for her boyfriend when she was thirteen.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, what was her name?
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  Speaker 2: My sister's name was Lana. Her boyfriend's name was Marsh.
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  Speaker 2: We call him Marsh Mellow and his friend Columbine.
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  Speaker 1: I all remember the jokes, Nana's got a boyfriend. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: that's what you'd say, right, Or you'd say Lana and
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  Speaker 1: Marsh sitting in the tree.
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  Speaker 2: OK.
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  Speaker 1: And isn't it funny that that's what makes memories? I
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  Speaker 1: think that we want to now, if you've got the
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  Speaker 1: capacity to, if you've got the capability and the resources
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  Speaker 1: and the time to put on the special parties or
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  Speaker 1: do the special picnics', that's wonderful. And there are some
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  Speaker 1: parents who are able to do that, and I commend
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  Speaker 1: you and more power to you. Every now and again,
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  Speaker 1: my wife Kylie missus Happy Families. She'll invest a month
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  Speaker 1: into putting on something amazing for the children and it's incredible.
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  Speaker 1: We love it when we get to do that sort
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  Speaker 1: of thing. But you can't do that every Saturday. You
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  Speaker 1: can't do that on a you know, multiple times a
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  Speaker 1: week sort of basis, the best way to find out
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  Speaker 1: what the memories are that your children have, the best
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  Speaker 1: memories that they can hang on to and grasp and
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  Speaker 1: play with, is to ask them. So around the dinner table.
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  Speaker 1: You know, I mean most families are familiar with the idea.
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  Speaker 1: Now I've been talking about it for well over a decade.
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  Speaker 1: At the end of the day, sit down, have your
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  Speaker 1: evening meal, make sure all the screens are turned off,
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  Speaker 1: and say, you know what we're grateful for today? Tell
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  Speaker 1: me about the best thing that happened today. Those sorts
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  Speaker 1: of let's reflect on the positive, let's savor and amplify
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  Speaker 1: and magnify those positive moments of our days. Well, that's
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  Speaker 1: all good and nice, and there's science that supports you know,
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  Speaker 1: it's use. So it's a good thing to do. But
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  Speaker 1: we got bored of it in our family, and so
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  Speaker 1: we started to play with some other questions as well.
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  Speaker 1: And just recently we had a conversation around our table
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  Speaker 1: where we talked about our just our favorite memories. Another
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  Speaker 1: one we talked about was our best injuries. Another one
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  Speaker 1: we talked about was, oh, we talked about one where
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  Speaker 1: we just played with our favorite food memories. You know
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  Speaker 1: what were our favorite memories of food. And we keep
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  Speaker 1: on coming up with all of these different topics to
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  Speaker 1: do with memories and experiences, and when you start to
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  Speaker 1: dive into it, you discover that just living life together
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  Speaker 1: gives you memories. The point is you've got to live
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  Speaker 1: life together, and then you've got to pause, ask the questions. Reflect.
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  Speaker 1: There's actually a psychological phenomenon that Fred Bryant initially did
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  Speaker 1: some science around called savoring, and savoring is the amplification
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  Speaker 1: or magnification of a positive experience. We can save the
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  Speaker 1: past experiences. We can save experiences right now when you
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  Speaker 1: close your eyes and just be here. And you can
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  Speaker 1: also savor the future before it even arrives. I can't
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  Speaker 1: wait until the borders open up again and we can
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  Speaker 1: go on that holiday that we were planning that we
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  Speaker 1: paid for that we're never going to get the money
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  Speaker 1: back for. You know, we can we can savor that
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  Speaker 1: sort of stuff as well. So I would suggest that
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  Speaker 1: Melanie sit down with the kids and say, let's savor
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  Speaker 1: some of our favorite experiences. Let's talk about our best
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  Speaker 1: times to together. What have they been, what are your
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  Speaker 1: favorite memories of us? And she might find that the
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  Speaker 1: picnics and the fancy holidays and the beautiful restaurants. None
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  Speaker 1: of that even comes into it. It might be that night,
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  Speaker 1: like you said, Susie, where Dad put on one of
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  Speaker 1: his best eighties songs and dance with Mum in the
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  Speaker 1: kitchen and then all the kids climbed onto Dad's back
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  Speaker 1: and started wrestling and playing, and that might be their
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  Speaker 1: number one memory. It's not hard to create those memories.
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  Speaker 1: You just turn off the screens, turn on the music
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  Speaker 1: and start playing.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so can we explore the difference between quality and quantity,
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  Speaker 2: like how many memories are enough memories?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? This is a really really interesting one. And I
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  Speaker 1: don't know that I've got a strong opinion one way
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  Speaker 1: or the other. I've heard some people say you can't
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  Speaker 1: have quality time until you've got the quantity, because it's
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  Speaker 1: during the quantity that you have the quality moments. There
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  Speaker 1: are other people. I remember one time I was asked
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  Speaker 1: to speak at one of Australia's biggest law firms. They
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  Speaker 1: had me up on the thirty sixth floor of this
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  Speaker 1: fancy building in Sydney, overlooking the Harbor Bridge in the
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  Speaker 1: Opera House and looking out to North Head and it
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  Speaker 1: was just exquisite. They put on this incredible lunch with
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  Speaker 1: their in house chefs. But the brief for this conversation,
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  Speaker 1: this conversation with I think it was about eighty lawyers
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  Speaker 1: in this room. The brief was this, we found some
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  Speaker 1: studies from the United Kingdom that suggests that you can
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  Speaker 1: have a good relationship with your children on twelve minutes
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  Speaker 1: a day. And I said, twelve minutes a day. That's
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  Speaker 1: an interesting number. I said, tell me about twelve minutes.
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  Speaker 1: What does that mean in legal speak? And they said, well,
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  Speaker 1: that's two billable units. You know, we bill on six
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  Speaker 1: minute increments. You get ten six minute increments per hour,
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  Speaker 1: so we bill on six minute increments. So that's two
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  Speaker 1: billable units. And you can have a good relationship with
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  Speaker 1: your children on twelve minutes a day, on two billable
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  Speaker 1: units a day. I said, this is fantastic. And so
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  Speaker 1: the first slide that I put up was kids Spell
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  Speaker 1: Love t IM because I don't think that it matters
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  Speaker 1: whether it's quality time or quantity time. It's all time
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  Speaker 1: to our kids, and if we're doing something with them,
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  Speaker 1: it is quality time. But the more of the time
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  Speaker 1: we have with them, the better it is. Over time,
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  Speaker 1: are there diminishing returns. Yeah, you can probably spend four
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  Speaker 1: hours and not have much more joy than you might
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  Speaker 1: have had in thirty or forty minutes. But let's make
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  Speaker 1: sure that we're getting the time full stop.
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  Speaker 2: It's interesting because when I think about memories by themselves,
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  Speaker 2: like there was one of my favorite memories of Dad
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  Speaker 2: was when I was playing in or cricket and I
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  Speaker 2: took a hat trick and he was there and he
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  Speaker 2: was so proud of me and someone you know, and
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  Speaker 2: the look on his face after I took this hat trick.
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  Speaker 2: But that's not a happy memory for me. That was
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  Speaker 2: actually a painful memory because it was inconsistent because I
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  Speaker 2: never felt Dad was proud of me except for that moment.
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  Speaker 2: And I talked to him about this when I was
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  Speaker 2: an adult that I just need to know that he
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  Speaker 2: was proud of me because we're such different people. But
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  Speaker 2: yet there's so much that I honor about him. So
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  Speaker 2: having a happy memory isn't necessarily consistent with overall everything
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  Speaker 2: being happy. Like to me, that moment, that one moment
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  Speaker 2: was happy, but it was because of every other moment
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  Speaker 2: that I longed for something that wasn't there.
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  Speaker 1: You know, there's some really good data, some a fascinating
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  Speaker 1: couple of studies done maybe twenty or thirty years ago.
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  Speaker 1: Now on this idea of mattering mattering, I think that
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  Speaker 1: our children are going to find that they're going to
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  Speaker 1: have the best memories with us when they felt like
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  Speaker 1: they matted. When I think about the times that my
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  Speaker 1: favorite experiences growing up in my family, there were the
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  Speaker 1: times when my parents showed me that I matted. And
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  Speaker 1: those were not necessarily expensive experiences. In fact, most of
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  Speaker 1: the time they were really cheap. There's another series of
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  Speaker 1: events as well that I would say were times where
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  Speaker 1: I really have wonderful memories, and there were times where
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  Speaker 1: my parents did things that mattered for other people, and
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  Speaker 1: I saw them giving of themselves. I remember one night.
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  Speaker 1: My dad used to drive a milk truck. He was
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  Speaker 1: a milkman, and I was on the milk run with Dad.
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  Speaker 1: One night, we were driving along a dirt road and
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  Speaker 1: in the middle of the road as we drove, there
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  Speaker 1: was this great, big lump. We stopped the milk truck,
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  Speaker 1: got out, and Dad told me to stay in the car.
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  Speaker 1: I think he knew what was going on. There was
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  Speaker 1: a bloke that had fallen over in the middle of
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  Speaker 1: the road, passed out unconscious. There was a nearby tab
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  Speaker 1: and he'd had a few too many, stumbled onto this
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  Speaker 1: dirt road, fallen over in the middle of it, and
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  Speaker 1: passed out in the middle of the road. Dad picked
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  Speaker 1: him up. He went through his pockets, found his wallet,
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  Speaker 1: took the money out, put the bloke on the side
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  Speaker 1: of the road, and said let's go. So no, he
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  Speaker 1: didn't really, I'm.
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  Speaker 2: Just kidding, Like, where's this story going.
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  Speaker 1: He picked him up, and he lifted him into the
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  Speaker 1: back of the truck. He pulled his wallet out and
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  Speaker 1: found his address, and he drove him home, knocked on
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  Speaker 1: the door and helped the lady. I guess the man's
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  Speaker 1: wife get her husband into bed. And I reflect on
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  Speaker 1: those experiences, and they are also some of the richest
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  Speaker 1: and most wonderful memories that I have of my parents
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  Speaker 1: as well, times where they did those exemplary things and
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  Speaker 1: they showed their character. But I think, ultimately, if we
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  Speaker 1: want to give our children great memories, we should make
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  Speaker 1: sure that we're doing good for others, and we should
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  Speaker 1: make sure that our children are having good experiences where
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  Speaker 1: they matter with us.
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  Speaker 2: I'd like to go back to the story I told
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  Speaker 2: about my dad. I want everyone to understand that I
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  Speaker 2: told a story of I guess something that I feel
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  Speaker 2: like Dad maybe didn't quite get right with me, and
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  Speaker 2: maybe as a kid, I didn't quite get right with him.
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  Speaker 2: But overall, my dad did what you just talked about.
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  Speaker 2: He taught me character, he taught me integrity, he taught
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  Speaker 2: me hard work, he taught me about forgiveness. And you know,
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  Speaker 2: it's four years ago he passed away, and I didn't.
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  Speaker 2: I always thought I was nothing like him until I
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  Speaker 2: reflected on some of these characters that he spoke about him,
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  Speaker 2: and somebody else said, you know, you're just like your dad,
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  Speaker 2: and I cherished that. While I didn't hear those words
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  Speaker 2: like I wanted as a child, as I developed into
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  Speaker 2: a human, he taught me so much, which is the
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  Speaker 2: best parts of me. Didn't get everything right, but he
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  Speaker 2: got plenty right.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for sharing that. Look, it's so important. Ultimately,
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  Speaker 1: the memories that our children have of us are going
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  Speaker 1: to be memories of time together and memories of our character.
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  Speaker 1: And I think what you've done there is you've really
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  Speaker 1: exemplified that. And that's what I think that Melanie might
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  Speaker 1: find helpful in her family as well.
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  Speaker 3: Beautiful, we appreciate you reading some wisdom and having a
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  Speaker 3: good conversation about this idea of creating good memories with
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  Speaker 3: our children. Doctor Justin Coulson, thanks for your time.
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  Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the podcast or found it helpful, would
• 11:09
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  Speaker 1: Dr Justin Coulson's calm and level headed advice. Thank you
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  Speaker 1: on how I can help. Well, we've got the brand
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