Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep5: Grumpy & Hilarious: Walter Roasts Them All 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep5: Grumpy & Hilarious: Walter Roasts Them All 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a damn.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Back to you, asshole.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, just kidding around.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Who what was your first name here in the blue shirt?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Nick.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Nick.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Good to see you, Nick.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Nick, what do you do for a living?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: I work construction.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, construction.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of construction?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: What do you do?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I work with a general contractor.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you work with the general, you're not the general contractor.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: You work with one.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I will be.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: So what is your title, Nick?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I guess you can consider it uh framing and drywalling.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Framing and drywalling.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Got anything for that, dumbass?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Nick, we got jokes for doctors and lawyers, and even trash collectors, but the framing and drywalling guy.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Not in our arsenal of snaty comebacks.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not gonna bother going home and writing any, because hey, what are the fucking odds now?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: It was Nick, right?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Was it Nick or Nick?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Nick.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Nick and Mike, Nike and Nick.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Dumbass.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Be nice to the crowd.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a damn.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, now some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a damn.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, where is uh Valerie?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: What is that?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, what is it?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Rene Renew, Renee, or Renee, Rennie, Renzi, Valerie, where are ya?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right there.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: She says, Dear Walter, how do you take off 10 years to look younger?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, me?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that would be Thompson's water seal.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: This is from Milton.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, my wife sits at home all day and won't work.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: How can I get her to get a job?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, Milton, you're going to have to die.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: That'll teach the bitch.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Where is Nick Manos?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Nick!
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Nick says, Dear Walter, you're looking a little frustrated.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: When's the last time you got laid?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh crap, they recognize him.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's our gay stalker.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: I need medical transportation.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: This is from Stephen, dear Walter, could you please recommend a good proctologist?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Tony Whittier?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Tony from Whittier, California.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Pay attention, idiot.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: You never answer my question on what gives.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Let's skip that one.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is from Chris.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's Chris.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's a girl, Chris.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, you read this.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, after nine and a half years, my boyfriend still hasn't popped the question.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's his poop the question.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Chris, you need to learn to style, I think.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: How the hell do you poop the question?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: I guess you should listen from the other end.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, why don't chicken breasts have nipples?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: I guess because if they got too cold, they poke a hole in the package.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: New from the Colonel, chicken and tits.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, what is one of Jeff's deepest, darkest secrets?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he has a sex blow-up doll.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, he does.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, yeah, and the sick part is he makes her talk.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: And boy does she lie.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Will you stop it?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, what was your favorite toy as a child?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh dirt.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: And we were happy.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Kids nowadays they had too much.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: They got the internet, they got video games, computer crap.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Hell, they're even passing out condoms in high schools.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, good God.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: When I was that age, we had to walk five miles to get a condom.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Uhhill.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: In the snow.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: With a boner.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, stop! Alright, I threw this one away because I thought it was kind of over the line, but I think we've crossed that a couple times.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: You read it.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I just can't.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: You read it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Walter, why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I give my boyfriend oral sacks?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, obviously, your toothbrush is bigger.
• 6:31
  unknown: And that's Walter, there we go.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: So you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, and they get on Facebook.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: You get on Facebook.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, what do you do on Facebook?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I like getting on there and defriending everybody possible.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Just so they'll wonder what the hell they did wrong.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny as hell.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's not nice.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: I know if it was nice, it wouldn't be funny as hell.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: I did actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day without befriending him.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: How's that?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, an old buddy line posted that his wife died.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I clicked like.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Then I posted mine still alive, sadly.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: So you're getting into social networking.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, a little bit.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves on their phones and then text them to each other.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: When I was young and dating my wife, I never thought she's so beautiful.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna marry her.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: But first, I'm gonna send her to text on my ball.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: People ask me all the time if my show is family friendly.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: What am I supposed to say now?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: It depends on your family.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, since you've gone there, do you and your wife have a decent love life?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, she does things to mix it up now and then.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she bought a pair of handcuffs.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I need another reminder that I'm serving a life cat.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Handcuffs at our age.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's like 50 shades of old and gray.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: So is there good communication between you two?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I guess.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: The other night she said, your lips say no, but your eyes say.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Would you say I have glaucoma?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: So how's the actual love life?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: In exactly yes, it's always doggy style.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Walter?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she rolls over and plays dead.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I just lick myself and go to sleep.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Walter.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, good con that you tell you you can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: That was a and go.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, it was.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Say good night, Walter.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks everybody! That's all today.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Shut the hell up.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Waltery, happy to be here.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh for joined.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Last week I was lying out of each in Ali and I couldn't decide.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Gee, should I stay in Hawaii or go to frickin' Santa Ana?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: My God, I can die happy now.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Fine city.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a damn.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with you?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's hot as hell outside.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: My skin's all dry and itchy.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: You put me in a sweater.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Sure as hell not gonna ask you for lotion.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you don't have to do this.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I could get a real job.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: What would you do?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be a greeter at Walmart.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell's so funny?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: At Walmart, what would be your opening line?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, welcome to Walmart.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Get your shit and get out.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Have a nice day.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Anything else wrong?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinking joint.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: And some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: He got out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you hate that?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I ran his ass over.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: I made an honest man out of him.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And his mother got out the other side, started swinging her crutches at me.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Took her out with the door.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you feel kind of bad?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh hell in cart little.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Good thing the police didn't see you.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Anna.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: You seen some of these guys?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: What cops on bicycles?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with that?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: How intimidating is this?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, Lord, it's a little ging jean.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: What do they do when they arrest somebody?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: All right, in the basket.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, ladies, I wrote that joke.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you can tell the rookie cuffs they got playing cards in their spokes.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think you should answer them.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a damn.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: You pal here in a blue shirt in the front row, would you fill one out?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Did you fill once out?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Where are you going?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Sit the hell down.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: You bastard, this is TV.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Think he's going to take a piss?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: These are extensive tickets, yeah.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Extensive setup, a lot of production.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Divide it all up.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: If he's gone for three minutes, he's taking a six hundred dollar piss.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Dumbass.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: Is he coming back?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: We'll wait.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: What's that guy's first name?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Mike.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: Dumbass.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Are the speakers hooked up in the bathroom?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, ma'am.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: We're waiting for you, Mike.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Kinda tough to go with all this pressure, isn't it, Mike?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Mike.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Get out.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: Mike's taking a long time.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: Could be having trouble.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: What does Mike do for a living?
• 15:02
  unknown: Transportation.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: He he's he does transportation.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell does that mean?
• 15:12
  unknown: Medical transportation.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: Medical transportation?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: The fuck is that?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back, dumbass.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: Mike, could you could you hear us in there?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Mike.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody pull the string, he's not talking.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Mike, could you hear us in there?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you could well, we could hear you.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't wash your hands.