Latest / Minnesota Masonic Histories and Mysteries / Episode 82. “So Many Goodbyes” (ft. Karla Hult)

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Episode 82. “So Many Goodbyes” (ft. Karla Hult) · Minnesota Masonic Histories and Mysteries

• 0:00
  I recently heard someone say one of the issues with asking anybody who's successful asking them for advice is that they tell you what they do now.
• 0:11
  Hmm.
• 0:12
  Not what they did when they were in your current position.
• 0:16
  This influencer advocated that you should not ask somebody how are you maintaining your success in some endeavor right now, the question you need to ask is how did you achieve your success or work through that challenge when you were at the stage that we we're at right now?
• 0:34
  Mm-hmm.
• 0:36
  so happy to be joined In studio today by Carla Halt, an Emmy Edward r Murrow and Walter Cronkite, award-winning journalist.
• 0:45
  Her favorite stories include those touching on international, political and social issues, and of course stories shared from the heart, including her award-winning documentary of her family's own Alzheimer's journey.
• 0:57
  Carla, welcome.
• 0:58
  Oh, thank you.
• 1:00
  You graduated magna cum laude Phi Beta Kappa from St.
• 1:04
  Olaf in Minnesota.
• 1:06
  Then went on to a Master's of International Affairs from Columbia University in New York, where you also earned a writing fellowship.
• 1:13
  2021.
• 1:14
  You launched so many goodbyes, a mission to support and educate families, caregivers, the long-term care community.
• 1:23
  In the greater community about the dementia crisis and how families can cope and find joy on that journey.
• 1:30
  On top of that, still on Care 11, the Minneapolis NBC affiliate, while also serving as an mc and advocate for the Alzheimer's Association and other organizations committed to helping the underserved in our greater and global communities.
• 1:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:46
  You are one busy, how do you balance all of this?
• 1:50
  I am busy and sometimes a little bit overwhelmed, but I will say.
• 1:55
  Say that.
• 1:56
  I think I discovered with my dad's dementia journey and all of the channel challenges that it brought to me personally and to our family collectively, I think I really realized, you know, life is short and I wanna answer the callings and the missions.
• 2:13
  That reveal themselves to me.
• 2:15
  And this is absolutely the mission that I feel called to do right now.
• 2:19
  So, yeah, I think I, I, I make it happen by a really long days, sometimes long nights, even overnighters, yikes.
• 2:28
  Which I'm way too old to admit to doing, but sometimes I have to pull an occasional all-nighter just to get my podcast done or what have you.
• 2:35
  But it's all worth it because I really feel called to do what I'm doing right now.
• 2:41
  We often hear Alzheimer's disease referred to as the long goodbye.
• 2:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:48
  But you prefer so many goodbyes because saying goodbye to your loved one's, ability to talk and walk and remember.
• 2:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:01
  What are some of the unanswered questions?
• 3:03
  Yeah.
• 3:05
  I think that you know, the long goodbye, it's apt.
• 3:09
  It describes it generally, but it doesn't do justice in my mind to all of those individual goodbyes that we experience over the course of this ultimately cruel disease.
• 3:21
  And that does include, oh, my dad can no longer give me the advice he once gave me.
• 3:27
  He can no longer really process the problem, let alone begin to contemplate a solution.
• 3:32
  My dad now can no longer physically get up to greet me, and that's despite the fact he ran physical marathons or the fact that he was this incredible hockey player who shared the rink the ice with like Wendy Anderson.
• 3:45
  Than the former governor or hello Herbie Brooks.
• 3:48
  You know, people who we know in Minnesota, even in the country, even the world, were incredible hockey leaders and geniuses.
• 3:56
  You know, he's not able to do that.
• 3:58
  You, I also had to struggle with, as everyone does during this journey with, you know, saying goodbye to that person who, who could recognize me as his daughter, and knowing that those individual goodbyes.
• 4:13
  Take their toll over months and years, sometimes even decades.
• 4:18
  I felt like that is a much more accurate description of the journey.
• 4:23
  It is so many goodbyes for the family, for the loved one, and for even the person living with dementia.
• 4:34
  What advice would you give someone who's on the early end of accompanying a family member and a loved one through this next chapter?
• 4:45
  First of all, I just want you to know you are not alone.
• 4:50
  I.
• 4:50
  When you first realize this, and it may be subtle at first, you may be realizing, wow, mom, dad, my husband, my wife, my partner, they really seem to be losing the keys even more.
• 5:02
  You know?
• 5:03
  They really seem to be not tracking the conversations even more.
• 5:07
  When you make this.
• 5:09
  Realization when you really recognize it's begun, and it might be a formal diagnosis, but it might be something that you know personally before you even get that medical perspective, give yourself some grace.
• 5:23
  And again, know that you are not alone.
• 5:26
  And I think it's important to just pause in that moment and, you know, recognize this is not, no one wants this diagnosis.
• 5:36
  And yes, there is still joy to be had during the journey and we can talk about that, but in this moment, it's okay to feel sad.
• 5:45
  And to feel disappointed that this next chapter is going to play out differently than any of you would have written it.
• 5:54
  But again, I keep coming back to you are not alone.
• 5:57
  So when you make that first realization, when you, your journey is just starting after that initial grace of giving yourself that initial wave of grief and allowing yourself the time to process that after accepting that this is your new reality, then.
• 6:14
  Transition to, okay, I'm not alone, so where's my village?
• 6:19
  You know, who are my friends?
• 6:21
  Who are my family members?
• 6:22
  Who are those community resources that can walk alongside me through what will be ultimately a marathon of sorts?
• 6:33
  How common is it for someone in that initial stage to say, you know what, we'll just go with this alone.
• 6:39
  We don't wanna tell anybody.
• 6:40
  We'll just, we'll just get into our little silo here and not.
• 6:44
  Leverage any resources.
• 6:46
  Yeah, completely common.
• 6:48
  Really?
• 6:48
  Oh, absolutely.
• 6:49
  It's absolutely natural because it's such an isolating journey and you feel like you are the only person experiencing it.
• 6:59
  You know?
• 6:59
  You are in your home.
• 7:01
  Or your loved one's home.
• 7:02
  You are seeing this firsthand.
• 7:05
  You aren't seeing the seven plus million people in this, this country alone who are going through the same thing.
• 7:11
  You aren't seeing that firsthand, and so you feel like you're absolutely the only one who can understand and appreciate this so.
• 7:19
  I will say give yourself permission and accept that, okay, yeah, I feel like I'm alone.
• 7:24
  And then, you know, try your best to earnestly.
• 7:27
  And it might take some, you know, intentional thought, try to shift gears to say, wait a second.
• 7:33
  I know objectively this is happening to other people too, and those other people might have some wisdom and might have some support for me, for my loved ones, for my family that can uplift us during our journey.
• 7:53
  Your family started your Alzheimer's marathon.
• 7:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:57
  Basically your dad's final marathon, so to speak, about a decade ago, you really had no idea that unrelenting grief decisions that were overwhelming, that awaited at every milestone.
• 8:11
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:13
  but as you've talked about and continue to do so that, that, that marathon.
• 8:17
  Is your motivation to help others on the course mm-hmm.
• 8:21
  With this disease?
• 8:25
  Absolutely.
• 8:26
  All of that, it was, that was how and why I am here right now and why I am doing what I'm doing.
• 8:32
  I will start by saying this.
• 8:35
  My dad was my person, you know, he was.
• 8:40
  He, I was a daddy's girl, but I was a daddy's girl for a reason.
• 8:44
  He was so, I mean, yes, larger than life, at least larger than my life.
• 8:48
  He was an incredible human.
• 8:51
  Was he perfect?
• 8:51
  Everyone has flaws.
• 8:52
  No one's perfect, but he was someone who was rough and tumble.
• 8:55
  Born on St.
• 8:56
  Paul's east side, one of five kids, you know, not an easy childhood.
• 9:01
  You know, his parents were divorced long before society, and our greater community really supported families.
• 9:07
  Who had, you know, individual solo parents and he had a tough step, uh, uh, a fa a stepfather who wasn't exactly supportive and, and could be outright abusive.
• 9:18
  You know, it, it was a hard childhood.
• 9:20
  But he persisted and he persevered alongside his twin brother, my beloved Uncle Bill also who died of Alzheimer's.
• 9:29
  And, you know.
• 9:30
  They persisted, and then my dad ends up going to college.
• 9:33
  He ends up with his career at 3M.
• 9:36
  What did he do in college?
• 9:37
  He was a business engineering degree, and so that was his background.
• 9:41
  He initially was at Hamlin and then Heran, uh, he transferred to the U and did not play hockey there.
• 9:49
  But he was a real student and so had a great experience in terms of, you know, it was affordable for him.
• 9:56
  And that was really a key aspect at that time.
• 9:59
  And during that chapter of his life, so he was at the U, he ended up getting that business engineering degree strictly an under degree.
• 10:06
  Undergraduate degree, but he was able to transition that into this wonderful career at 3M where he worked in, and this will be lost on most of us, but for some of the 3M folks, they'll appreciate it.
• 10:18
  He was an inner system and data processing, so he was kind of internal and he managed a lot of folks.
• 10:24
  And I will say, you know, later on in life and when I shared a lot about my dad and my dad's story, and certainly after his passing, I heard from some of his.
• 10:33
  3M colleagues.
• 10:34
  Some of my favorite feedback that I heard was how ethical he was, and they specifically noted at a time at 3M in his division that was really political and a little bit sensitive, he walked that ethical line.
• 10:49
  Always, and he was just a good human.
• 10:52
  So he showed up as a good human at his workplace and definitely within his family.
• 10:56
  And he volunteered at our church in St.
• 10:59
  Paul's east side still.
• 11:00
  And he volunteered in the community and he was just there for us.
• 11:05
  As his three strong daughters, and he was my person, the person I would call if I had issues or questions or what should I do here?
• 11:13
  He was that person.
• 11:14
  And my favorite story, and I feel like this is important to mention because I really believe when we talk about Alzheimer's and other dementia, that we need to recognize that it isn't strictly the person.
• 11:26
  You see in a care community or even that you may have in your family who could no longer verbalize, this is a person who lived a full and beautiful and vibrant life.
• 11:37
  And so my favorite story about my dad is when I was in grad school and I was about to graduate.
• 11:42
  And I was engaged to be married to a high school sweetheart, and we were just a few months out of our wedding.
• 11:47
  Well, my fiance at the time And what year was this?
• 11:49
  This was, oh gosh, now I have to remember my year.
• 11:51
  Oh, 2000?
• 11:52
  It was 2000.
• 11:53
  Okay.
• 11:53
  And he calls it off.
• 11:55
  Yeah, seriously.
• 11:56
  Wedding dress already purchased, big wedding planned.
• 12:00
  It was gonna be huge.
• 12:01
  Fortunately the invitations hadn't yet gone out, but they had been picked and even ordered, so it was a big deal and I was wrapping up.
• 12:07
  My graduate education.
• 12:09
  And so I was heartbroken and I was exhausted trying to do this, and I had to shift gears.
• 12:14
  My whole life had been turned upside down'cause he had been a lawyer in New York City where I was at graduate in graduate school.
• 12:21
  And so I was planning to stay in New York and kind of do some writing work, which I couldn't afford to do strictly on my own.
• 12:28
  So I was gonna have to shift gears with my job and everything.
• 12:30
  So long story short.
• 12:32
  I am an upheaval my life, my heart is broken.
• 12:35
  I'm challenged to just get through the day in and day out, let alone end this chapter already my dad recognizing that I need to pack up my apartment and move and make all these major decisions.
• 12:48
  Ordered himself got online or called probably at the time, I don't even know how he ordered his ticket, but he gets a plane ticket, a red eye.
• 12:55
  He flies to Philadelphia where he waits all night in the 30th Street station, I think that's what it's called in Philadelphia, until the next morning he catches the first train up to New York City and there still on no sleep, catches a cab and he goes up to my upper.
• 13:13
  West side apartment, upper, upper West Side helps me pack up my apartment and chew my moving truck.
• 13:18
  And then we proceed to drive 12 hours outside of New York all the way back to Minnesota and.
• 13:24
  I will just say about my dad in that moment when I was so lost as you know, someone who had just recently graduated, but again, still broken hearted and trying to rechart her life that he helped me.
• 13:38
  He helped me by packing every picture frame, every article of clothing, every piece of furniture.
• 13:46
  And in doing that, he was telling me, you are not alone.
• 13:50
  I'm still here.
• 13:52
  I love you.
• 13:53
  And that's the kind of person he was always, always throughout my life, and I am so blessed and so grateful to have had him as my dad.
• 14:03
  I.
• 14:03
  And when he had this journey, and I fast forward and I bring this up because it definitely and directly relates to my dad's Alzheimer's journey because when he had this journey, we had to, at one point for his safety and because my mom was increasingly exhausted, move him from his home of nearly 50 years to a new care community.
• 14:26
  And I had to pack his pictures and all of his articles of clothing and all of his pieces of furniture and move them there.
• 14:35
  And he didn't understand.
• 14:36
  He didn't understand why we were moving him from his home, that he had raised his three daughters in, and that he'd shared with his wife of more than 50 years.
• 14:44
  He didn't know, but every time I visited him afterwards, I would say to him, you're still, I'm still here.
• 14:53
  I would say to him, I'm still here.
• 14:57
  You are not alone.
• 14:58
  I love you.
• 15:00
  Because I knew how much I needed to hear those words at my lowest point, and I never wanted him to forget that he would be receiving all that he had given us every day of his life.
• 15:14
  He was amazing.
• 15:18
  When you look back on that, did he even give you a choice of, should I come out?
• 15:22
  Did he just, was it almost a No, it was just automatic.
• 15:25
  I'm on my way.
• 15:26
  Just the kind of dad he was.
• 15:28
  Yeah, just the kind of friend he was the kind of brother he was the kind of uncle he was.
• 15:34
  I have a cousin who says, and still says, to this day, uncle Bob was my favorite uncle, and I love that.
• 15:41
  I, yeah, he was incredible.
• 15:44
  He was a good person.
• 15:46
  And again, even a good person in the workplace, as I mentioned earlier, with his 3M ethics, like really just showed up in the world in a good way.
• 15:54
  And what is interesting though is that everyone who's walking this journey with their loved one.
• 16:00
  I don't doubt that they have stories of love and commitment and loyalty that also prove what good people they had the privilege and pleasure of knowing prior to this journey.
• 16:14
  And it is because we want to honor.
• 16:17
  All that they are and all they have ever given that we are trying so desperately to walk alongside them in a way that is respectful and honors their dignity too, throughout.
• 16:28
  And so that is really ultimately what made me pause after our marathon with my dad and say, what more can I do to share and uplift others?
• 16:40
  And part of that too is recognizing.
• 16:43
  I had the privilege of that close relationship with my dad.
• 16:47
  Yes, families are are complicated.
• 16:49
  Families can be really, really messy, and I.
• 16:53
  If we are honest, we have to recognize that that is true too.
• 16:56
  So knowing that some people might be having to work through some of those details of their relationships, trying to see them for where they are and trying to support them too.
• 17:06
  Not to mention my own privilege of having a job where I could leave it if I needed to support him and.
• 17:13
  Come pick him up if he's walked away from his daytime community program, which he did.
• 17:18
  Did he?
• 17:18
  A few times.
• 17:18
  Did he?
• 17:19
  Yeah.
• 17:19
  So I'd grab my baby and I'd put her in the A car seat and we'd go and we'd rush to get pop pop.
• 17:25
  You know, that happened.
• 17:25
  And then I had the privilege of one of my sisters as a lawyer.
• 17:29
  And having a lawyer is like having a mechanic in your family.
• 17:32
  You have those urgent needs and it's.
• 17:34
  Sometimes invaluable.
• 17:35
  So just recognizing that a lot of families are without some of these tools, we need to support each other, and I wanna uplift those families that might have those challenging details within their dynamics.
• 17:47
  That's so true that on top of the challenge of Alzheimer's, you're sometimes dealing with an incredibly complex family dynamic.
• 17:55
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:55
  obviously makes this journey all the more entangled.
• 17:59
  Yeah.
• 18:00
  Entanglement is a great word by the way, because you know, there's history.
• 18:04
  Everyone has history.
• 18:05
  And I should also note that everyone has ongoing demands too.
• 18:10
  in my case, I was pushing the deadline when it came to having babies, and so I had babies and dementia at the same time.
• 18:17
  Oh gosh.
• 18:17
  My dad's Alzheimer's marathon.
• 18:18
  We realized it started when I was pregnant with my first daughter.
• 18:21
  Wow.
• 18:22
  So I, you know, I didn't know.
• 18:26
  Motherhood apart from Alzheimer's.
• 18:28
  I didn't.
• 18:29
  And so trying to juggle that and you know, just having space for that and recognizing that people are trying to juggle everything in your life, right?
• 18:38
  You're trying to juggle perhaps being a parent and being a child.
• 18:42
  You're trying to juggle being a partner and also being a, a grandparent, you know, just.
• 18:47
  All those different roles and identities we have, we need to be able to still give space for those because that's the reality of life.
• 18:54
  And so in my case, I struggled with that balancing act and sometimes what I do in my 2020 hindsight and as I mentor families who are going through this, especially to the parents, I will say to them.
• 19:09
  Just know it's okay to step back sometimes and just be there for your children because I was looking at my dad's situation as my dad's.
• 19:19
  I'm losing my dad.
• 19:19
  I'm saying so many goodbyes to him, and this is the fire I need to put out, but the truth of it is.
• 19:26
  My daughter's babyhood was also fleeting.
• 19:30
  And so I know if my dad had the gift of speech still, he would have said, Carla, go back to my grand babies.
• 19:38
  I'm okay.
• 19:39
  I'm safe.
• 19:40
  And I tell people that because it is hard to realize it in the moment, but it's okay to also have your other identities and certainly it's okay to care for and be present for your other loved ones.
• 19:54
  Hmm.
• 19:59
  I remember the challenge of not going to see my late mother-in-law every day.
• 20:09
  That's so hard.
• 20:10
  Yeah.
• 20:10
  Regardless of what someone is ailing with in that do I just take a day to be with the kids or to.
• 20:17
  Take care of what seems like just some stupid errand today, but it needs to be done.
• 20:23
  But you knew, if your dad could have told you, he would've said, you know what, I'm, I'm good today.
• 20:29
  Yeah.
• 20:29
  Go be with the family.
• 20:31
  Yeah.
• 20:33
  He would've, but you know, he, he was no, no longer able to articulate that.
• 20:38
  And I was just, I was trying to do it all.
• 20:40
  We all do.
• 20:41
  We do caregivers.
• 20:41
  Yeah, we do.
• 20:42
  How did you, how did you get through that in, in the, when you look back again, 2020 hindsight.
• 20:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:46
  But in the moment how that had to be incredibly.
• 20:51
  Nearly impossible.
• 20:52
  Yeah, it was hard.
• 20:54
  It was really hard.
• 20:55
  I always felt like I was everywhere, but in no place was I long enough.
• 21:01
  I, I struggled because, I mean, there would be days my dad had a care community up in Forest Lake, which was a blessing'cause it was only a couple miles from my parents, my childhood home where my mom still lives.
• 21:12
  Right on Clear Lake.
• 21:13
  And that actually.
• 21:14
  Is a connection because you know, I mentioned my dad's tough childhood and the one really bright light and consistent light throughout his childhood were his grandparents and they had a cabin on Clear Lake in Forest Lake.
• 21:28
  And so he had some of his best childhood memories going up to that lake.
• 21:31
  And so lo and behold, many decades later, he has an opportunity to buy a house on that lake.
• 21:38
  My mom.
• 21:38
  Not necessarily all in on this, but she knew his affection for the lake, and he was such a Minnesotan that he loved fishing and all of that.
• 21:47
  So to live in a lake was a dream.
• 21:49
  And so she allowed him to buy the house sight unseen for her.
• 21:54
  Wow.
• 21:54
  Yes.
• 21:55
  I mean, really remarkable.
• 21:57
  So amazing.
• 21:58
  What a, what a sacrifice by her.
• 21:59
  But it was a gift that.
• 22:01
  That continues to bless all of us and the Holt family.
• 22:04
  So yeah, so the care community was, you know, just a couple miles from this place where we continue to make memories now as the fifth generation of Holts to make memories on that lake.
• 22:14
  But I would drive up there even some days just to check in on him.
• 22:20
  10 minute visit even.
• 22:21
  Just to make sure he was okay.
• 22:22
  Sure.
• 22:23
  Particularly when he first moved in.
• 22:26
  'cause I didn't want him to think we had left him.
• 22:29
  You know?
• 22:29
  I wanted to reassure him, you're not alone.
• 22:32
  I'm still here.
• 22:33
  I love you.
• 22:34
  And I really felt like that was important for the staff to also know we're plugged in.
• 22:40
  We're attentive.
• 22:41
  FYI, you have partners in this and we're here for him.
• 22:45
  And we're here for you.
• 22:46
  And so just trying to do it all sometimes meant, okay, I am gonna drive the 45 minutes up there to be there, but I can only be there for 10 minutes, but it's worth it because it's 10 minutes for me to touch him, for him to see me and to do something that I can no longer do with him over the phone or even on the screen.
• 23:04
  So that was a key part, is just, you know, trying to do that.
• 23:06
  I eat it.
• 23:07
  I I probably the other to an answer to your question, you know, how did you do it?
• 23:11
  I probably, again, I didn't do it perfectly.
• 23:14
  I, I could have been, even when I was physically present with my daughters, I think sometimes I was grieving my dad so much and the fact that he was changing and I was saying all these goodbyes that I didn't always appreciate folate, the moments I was experiencing as a mom.
• 23:32
  And I think that's natural.
• 23:34
  And I think that a lot of caregivers, and particularly maybe adult children can I relate to is that it's really hard to like say, oh my goodness, I'm at my child's game and this is amazing, and oh my goodness, my dad can no longer recognize me.
• 23:48
  You know, it's just like.
• 23:49
  That juxtaposition is real and it's hard and it's harsh.
• 23:54
  So I know I could have done better with that, and I just, I just tried my best.
• 23:58
  I, but you know, to my privilege, I was able to go to a little bit more flexible position with Care 11.
• 24:03
  Yes, that was a saving grace that allowed me to be more of a hands-on caregiver and to really assist and be on call there.
• 24:10
  So that was, you know, uh, something that helped a lot.
• 24:14
  Uh.
• 24:15
  no one, no caregiver, no care partner, no one touched by this journey feels like they do it perfectly.
• 24:22
  It's impossible for us to feel like that.
• 24:24
  I think we're just doing the best we can.
• 24:29
  As you were sharing that, I thought about the staff that would work in memory care and work with Alzheimer's.
• 24:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:37
  What kind of special calling are these wonderful.
• 24:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:42
  Professionals.
• 24:44
  I dunno how they do it.
• 24:46
  I don't know either.
• 24:46
  They're amazing.
• 24:47
  They're angels.
• 24:48
  And that's not to say that there aren't people sometimes who will cross your path who are maybe not suited for this line of work.
• 24:56
  That happens too.
• 24:58
  Not everyone's perfect.
• 24:58
  Yeah.
• 24:58
  Not everyone's perfect and but I guarantee you will come across more heroes than you will come across the alternative and.
• 25:05
  I don't know.
• 25:07
  You know, innately, I will say our, my favorite care partner, and she knows who she is.
• 25:11
  Hannah, you know who you are.
• 25:13
  she didn't even have a fancy medical degree.
• 25:16
  You know, she, even just with her high school degree, she was an innate caregiver because of her patience and her kindness.
• 25:23
  And she led with that and frankly, she helped to train other people, so we continued to bring her in.
• 25:30
  My dad was a little bit more advanced than other people in the more in the memory care unit, and so we recognized that we needed to support the staff there.
• 25:38
  So.
• 25:39
  My parents had the resources available to still bring Hannah in to help.
• 25:43
  She helped train the other people that worked in that care community on how to still reach the person despite how far they had progressed.
• 25:52
  That's amazing.
• 25:52
  And partly it's about the patients, but I will say, you know, as a society and you talk to the folks at the University of Minnesota, and they will preach this too, we need to do better by this particular.
• 26:05
  Field of work, you know, they need to be more richly compensated.
• 26:09
  We need to honor them more.
• 26:11
  I mean, it's just kind of this, this, given that they exist and they'll help, but frankly we don't have enough of them anymore.
• 26:17
  We have that caregiver crisis Yes.
• 26:20
  Of the inequality between the demand and the the supply.
• 26:25
  And so part of that is it's really honoring that profession.
• 26:28
  But yeah, there.
• 26:29
  They're uniquely gifted in really having the patience and the devotion to reach people and to help families during that difficult chapter.
• 26:37
  I'm so grateful for everyone who chooses, chooses that field.
• 26:44
  As you look back on, that was a decade long journey.
• 26:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:47
  What stands out in your mind to something that maybe your husband, Gary, or a good friend.
• 26:57
  Did for you is you're grappling with this inner pull of I'm, I'm at my child's activity and perhaps not there in the moment, and then thinking, my dad can't be here right now.
• 27:09
  Right.
• 27:10
  What comes to mind of something that maybe even seemed innocuous at the time, but was so helpful?
• 27:17
  Hmm.
• 27:20
  I think it's the practical, right?
• 27:23
  It's the helping to pick my daughters up.
• 27:26
  I have a best friend who is single and hasn't had kids, and therefore was like that go-to person.
• 27:34
  I mean, she's just.
• 27:36
  She's positioned in her life to be somewhat available to do that, but also she's just emotionally so accessible and just so fun.
• 27:46
  She's the fun auntie and having that person to really help you in those moments of crisis.
• 27:53
  And maybe when I have a daughter who needs to be picked up at preschool, but I'm still up in Forest Lake with my dad, or I'm on deadline at care, or you know, insert reason here.
• 28:03
  Having that, you know, practical assistance really makes a difference.
• 28:07
  But I will say, and I look at my husband now, I think part of it also is the reassurance, because I think you've probably heard this in my responses up to this point.
• 28:17
  So much doubt follows the care partner.
• 28:20
  We are always doubting ourselves in terms of.
• 28:24
  Am I doing enough?
• 28:25
  Am I doing it right?
• 28:26
  Am I showing up enough for my loved one?
• 28:28
  Am I showing up enough in other parts of my life?
• 28:32
  And we are our own worst critic when it comes to trying to do it all.
• 28:39
  Objectively.
• 28:39
  Again, we can say, oh, it's gonna be impossible to do it all.
• 28:42
  But we're trying so hard that we're kind of doubting ourselves consistently.
• 28:46
  And so having that voice of reassurance is just a beautiful gift, and to this day, I need it.
• 28:53
  So when I say, oh, I could have been there, I could have been more present, my husband will say, Carla, you were there.
• 29:00
  You were there, the girls saw you, they loved you.
• 29:02
  You had those moments, and you know, just that kind of reassurance that may be needed for years, decades, maybe the rest of my life.
• 29:12
  Right.
• 29:13
  You know, that is a gift and so that really made a difference as well.
• 29:19
  Balance is so difficult.
• 29:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:23
  Because I'm sure you just illustrated this.
• 29:28
  Am I smothering or is your loved one smothering you and trying to be supportive and fix the problem.
• 29:33
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:34
  or am I not doing enough?
• 29:36
  And, and that's an yet another layer of the dynamic of, of anyone in with a medical Yeah.
• 29:43
  Challenge.
• 29:44
  Yeah.
• 29:47
  I just wanna say that that's true and uh, and I'm sorry to interrupt there, but I wanna say that that's true because I think we don't realize the importance of communication and it's hard to be brutally honest, but as much as we can, that honesty is key.
• 30:04
  And if you struggle with that within your own family dynamics, and again, goes to the whole complicated families issue, then there.
• 30:13
  Our resources to help you navigate that.
• 30:16
  There are people who can listen and even gently guide people who are trained social workers or trained therapists, trained family therapists specifically.
• 30:25
  You know, all of those roles do exist because it does come back to communication and.
• 30:31
  Simple as that is.
• 30:32
  Okay.
• 30:32
  All you need to do is tell people it can be hard.
• 30:35
  Right.
• 30:36
  Especially hard given the challenge of this journey.
• 30:39
  So that's where I will say that.
• 30:41
  Lean into that, and when you need help leaning into that, find that person and that support communication seems to be so difficult.
• 30:51
  Even on the mundane Yeah.
• 30:53
  And trivial things in our lives.
• 30:54
  Mm-hmm.
• 30:55
  And you add something of this magnitude.
• 30:58
  It's tough to lean into that, obviously.
• 31:01
  Yep.
• 31:03
  Tell us more about taking your experience, enrolling that into the support that you've been able to provide families that are either at the beginning phase of the Alzheimer's journey or in the middle of it and meshed in it right now.
• 31:20
  Mm-hmm.
• 31:20
  You're doing tremendous work.
• 31:23
  Thank you.
• 31:24
  Thank you.
• 31:24
  It's again a calling and I feel like it is right.
• 31:29
  It is right.
• 31:30
  And part of when I launched so many goodbyes, I'll be honest with you on this, that I wanted to make sure our world is loud and it's noisy and people are busy, and especially care partners.
• 31:42
  Are busy.
• 31:43
  And so I checked in with a lot of my connections in this field, whether advocacy or directly related to the medical outreach.
• 31:50
  And I said, is this redundant or will this add value?
• 31:54
  You know, because I don't need to add to people's to-do lists.
• 31:58
  I don't need to do that.
• 31:59
  I want it to be of help, not be redundant.
• 32:01
  And they all affirmed me and said, listen, lean in with your communication skills, Carla.
• 32:06
  'cause ultimately, I just said, and I did not intend to map this out in this way, but I just said communication is key.
• 32:11
  Well, it turns out I had a career based on communication and journalism.
• 32:15
  And so I started so many goodbyes recognizing that sometimes people need that element.
• 32:21
  And yes, amazing support groups exist, but sometimes people need, and families need.
• 32:27
  That one-on-one support group?
• 32:29
  Yes.
• 32:29
  You know where it's honestly one way.
• 32:32
  So because I am already kind of traveled this journey in my dad's marathon, he's finished it.
• 32:39
  I can now listen to people and offer the empathy and even offer some of those skills and strategies.
• 32:45
  That we found beneficial when appropriate, but I also can just listen and not have to update on my particular journey.
• 32:52
  So I, I find that listening is key.
• 32:55
  And then offering guidance and offering and connecting those dots to the other community resources that do exist.
• 33:03
  So that's a big part of what I do within my overall mission is to serve as a mentor to families.
• 33:10
  And then I obviously.
• 33:10
  Segue to the overall education that I tackle through workshops and through my podcast as well.
• 33:17
  Where should people go to learn more about these resources?
• 33:21
  Thank you so many.
• 33:23
  goodbyes.com.
• 33:25
  That is my website and I list the services there and I list how you can reach me directly.
• 33:32
  I'll just add too, my direct email is carla@somanygoodbyes.com.
• 33:36
  If you wanna skip the websites check, you know, but by all means, visit the website too so you know what you're getting yourself into.
• 33:42
  But I, I just.
• 33:44
  I really think that that's a nice way to begin to just kinda learn a little bit more about my outreach and about my mission.
• 33:50
  I will add, though, they know it begins with that mentoring, but I also recognize I.
• 33:55
  I'm not alone in this, and part of it is so, I'm so grateful.
• 33:58
  I'm so grateful that these other resources exist.
• 34:01
  I once described to someone that, you know, this is a war, this is a war within the dementia crisis, and maybe I promoted myself from infantrymen to captain or corporal or field general.
• 34:13
  Yes.
• 34:13
  You know, you're the veteran.
• 34:15
  You know, better the terminology that I do, but I, I still honor.
• 34:20
  And appreciate the roles of someone like the Alzheimer's Association that continues to be the four star general, right?
• 34:26
  Or you know, even we have in Minnesota, the senior linkage line and other states have area agencies on aging.
• 34:32
  We all seem to have our go-to organizations and there are a lot of them, and I'm so grateful for them.
• 34:36
  So part of what I do is connect people to that and so.
• 34:40
  Part of my outreach.
• 34:42
  In addition to that mentorship is saying, listen, this is where else you can go.
• 34:46
  And part of what I do also within so many goodbyes is educate.
• 34:49
  So I speak at a lot of conferences, I speak at events, I speak at workplaces to help really educate folks on, Hey, this is why your colleague may a little out of it on this day, or maybe.
• 35:01
  Sad or maybe late or whatever the reason.
• 35:04
  This is why we're seeing that.
• 35:05
  Because you know that childcare issue now, they're seeing it on the other end.
• 35:09
  Yeah.
• 35:09
  And so just have space and grace for that too.
• 35:12
  And then of course, I educate through the podcast too.
• 35:17
  And we're so grateful to have you on our podcast today with Minnesota Masonic Histories and Mysteries.
• 35:23
  We have a memory care unit at our Masonic home where we're recording today.
• 35:29
  in a long history with the University of Minnesota.
• 35:32
  It's over 70 years strong now.
• 35:35
  Cancer Research, children's Health.
• 35:38
  We recently pledged a new facility for the Masonic Institute of Biology and Metabolism.
• 35:44
  Awesome.
• 35:45
  Looking at healthy aging and I, I know that the memory aspect is going to be a huge portion of the research in that greater picture.
• 35:55
  So between being on Carol Levin mm-hmm.
• 35:59
  Your travels, your speaking, your podcast people, they must feel like they know you.
• 36:04
  Well, it's that trusted friend on tv.
• 36:08
  Mm-hmm.
• 36:10
  it's kind of funny, I laugh because I just had this again yesterday.
• 36:13
  I, people will say, oh, I, I, I feel like I know her, but I look like a lot of Minnesota moms.
• 36:19
  So they, they're like, how do I know?
• 36:20
  Did I run her into her at the grocery store?
• 36:22
  What?
• 36:23
  It's when I start talking.
• 36:24
  Yes.
• 36:24
  Because as a radio person yourself, former career, right?
• 36:27
  You can appreciate different voice qualities and I have a unique voice.
• 36:31
  Yes.
• 36:31
  Especially in the broadcast field.
• 36:32
  It's a little higher.
• 36:33
  It's just a different voice than a lot of women in broadcast.
• 36:36
  And so when I start talking, that's when they'll say.
• 36:40
  You are Carla Holt that I'm like, yeah, I know you.
• 36:43
  No, I really know you.
• 36:44
  Exactly.
• 36:45
  The voice.
• 36:45
  So if you're saying, wow, she's a unique voice, you're not the only one who's ever said that.
• 36:49
  And I, you know, I roll with it.
• 36:51
  It's kind of, I think my voice is in part from the Holt family really.
• 36:55
  I think I, my, I'm, yeah, I think that we all unique voices in the Holt family and my, I have a couple sisters and definitely a cousin who sounds a lot like me.
• 37:03
  And yet the difference is she sings beautifully.
• 37:07
  So I'm always like, how did that happen?
• 37:09
  Yeah.
• 37:09
  We sound alike when we, when we talk, and yet I can't sing on tune, so that's not fair.
• 37:15
  But yeah, no, it's, it's all true.
• 37:19
  Tell us what kid stuff.
• 37:22
  That you still enjoy as an adult?
• 37:24
  Hmm.
• 37:25
  Kid.
• 37:25
  Stuff that I still enjoy and I love candy.
• 37:28
  Does that count?
• 37:29
  Sure.
• 37:29
  What kind?
• 37:30
  Uh, I'm a, I don't wanna say a sucker, pun intended.
• 37:33
  Hole.
• 37:34
  I'm a sucker for licorice.
• 37:35
  Really?
• 37:36
  I am.
• 37:36
  Twizzler or Wiley?
• 37:37
  Wallaby.
• 37:38
  What's the, okay.
• 37:38
  Wiley Wallaby has captured my heart in recent years.
• 37:42
  The i, I like the watermelon and I like the mixed berry.
• 37:46
  So bad.
• 37:47
  Every time we go to Target, my daughter and I were like, oh, gotta get another bag.
• 37:50
  Just put it.
• 37:51
  And they have it right by the registers.
• 37:52
  Of course they do.
• 37:53
  Do you notice that course right by the checkout?
• 37:55
  Come on.
• 37:56
  They know.
• 37:57
  Is it worse on a road trip for the candy?
• 38:00
  Probably.
• 38:00
  Why?
• 38:01
  Why is that?
• 38:01
  Because I, I don't know about you, but I grew up with my mom and dad.
• 38:05
  You know what they had?
• 38:06
  They always had lemon drops.
• 38:07
  Yeah.
• 38:07
  In the car.
• 38:08
  Mm-hmm.
• 38:09
  Remember those?
• 38:09
  Mm-hmm.
• 38:09
  And so I don't even know if lemon drops are sold.
• 38:12
  I don't think I've seen a lemon drop in a gas station or a grocery store anytime recently.
• 38:16
  It's been a while, but I am a, I love lemon drops too, but now I've kind of pivoted to the old licorice.
• 38:22
  But I like a Twix too.
• 38:24
  And I like Dairy Queen.
• 38:25
  I, I have a sweet tooth.
• 38:26
  Can you tell'em a Swed?
• 38:28
  Yes.
• 38:29
  It's like the Scandinavian we're we're wired that way.
• 38:32
  We are.
• 38:34
  What are people.
• 38:36
  Overly impressed with in this world in general?
• 38:40
  Hmm.
• 38:41
  Overly.
• 38:42
  And do you mean to a fault?
• 38:44
  Like they're too impressed, however you take that.
• 38:47
  Huh?
• 38:48
  Well, I will say in this world, and it's a part of what I really love about our earlier conversation related to the Masons and to the Masonic community at large, is I think people are overly impressed and a little too fixated right now on their own tribe and on the othering.
• 39:07
  That is happening and the division that results from that.
• 39:10
  And I love when people can see the commonalities and when we can find what is so similar and then when we can unite.
• 39:19
  'cause we are all together in this life.
• 39:22
  And I think we are so much more alike than we are different.
• 39:26
  And when we can.
• 39:27
  Find each other.
• 39:28
  We also find solutions and we find peace.
• 39:31
  And so I think this whole othering that comes with our own identifications is something that everyone is a little overly impressed with right now.
• 39:46
  If you could go back.
• 39:48
  And talk some sense into your teenage self.
• 39:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 39:51
  What would you say wear more sunscreen?
• 39:54
  Carla?
• 39:54
  Wear more sunscreen.
• 39:57
  Why?
• 39:58
  Why?
• 39:58
  I was, okay.
• 39:59
  So I mentioned Clear Lake.
• 40:01
  Growing up in Forest Lake.
• 40:02
  I loved it.
• 40:03
  I was a big water skier, still water ski.
• 40:05
  I planned to break.
• 40:06
  The Guinness World Book of Records of oldest woman, water skier who still slaloms that.
• 40:11
  That's my goal.
• 40:12
  That's a goal.
• 40:12
  That's another goal in my life.
• 40:13
  Wow.
• 40:13
  But I was a big water skier and I also, I was a windsurf instructor, so I would windsurf and so I was big into water activities, but I did not slather on the sunscreen in the way that I should have considering my Swedish skin.
• 40:25
  And I feel like that's a mistake.
• 40:27
  And so I try to teach my daughters who are teenage and who always.
• 40:30
  Seem to wanna get color.
• 40:31
  I'm like, don't get color that way.
• 40:33
  You don't need to get a tan that way.
• 40:35
  It's not needed and you pay a price.
• 40:37
  Oh.
• 40:37
  And I just don't think it's worth it.
• 40:39
  So I would tell my teenage self that.
• 40:41
  I also might tell her that, you know, don't take life too seriously.
• 40:47
  They're gonna be serious crises that come.
• 40:49
  You know what, I'm gonna modify that.
• 40:50
  I'm gonna revise that.
• 40:51
  Don't take yourself too seriously.
• 40:53
  Life is gonna throw you serious curve balls.
• 40:56
  But just let yourself evolve and grow and find the resources.
• 41:02
  Find your village, find your people, find your way through life, and just be honest with yourself about what you need in those moments, and how to show up for your loved ones and for your community.
• 41:16
  Put yourself out there.
• 41:18
  Yeah.
• 41:19
  Across the board.
• 41:20
  Yeah.
• 41:21
  Why not?
• 41:22
  Life is short.
• 41:24
  We're not meant to live it alone.
• 41:26
  No.
• 41:26
  We are not in a silo.
• 41:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 41:29
  Mm-hmm.
• 41:30
  And life might throw you something that makes you feel like you're in a silo, but just try your best and it will take that intentional thought.
• 41:37
  And I'm speaking to care partners, especially when I say that it will take intentional thought to find the resources that do exist that are around you.
• 41:49
  So many goodbyes.com.
• 41:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 41:52
  For more info.
• 41:54
  Carla Halt.
• 41:55
  It has been an honor having you with us today in studio.
• 42:00
  You are quite a storyteller and the world is better for you sharing your story with it.
• 42:06
  Thank you.
• 42:08
  I am honored to be here and I wanna emphasize too, I'm really, I'm honored and I'm so grateful for the Masonic mission.
• 42:16
  I think it's a beautiful one.
• 42:18
  So thank you for what you are doing as a community.
• 42:21
  If you're an individual, Mason listening right now, thank you for what you're doing for all of us.
• 42:26
  You are making our world better, so I'm grateful to be here today.
• 42:29
  Thank you so much, Reid.