Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #331 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

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#331 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
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Speaker 2: It's so funny because I say this to parents all
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Speaker 2: the time when they say, oh, my kid, they're driving
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Speaker 2: up the wall. I keep on saying, connections, the answer, connections,
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Speaker 2: the currency of relationships. Kids fell love to im.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 2: Good morning. This is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of
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Speaker 2: six books about raising happy families and the founder of
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Speaker 2: happy Families dot com dot You forgive me for sounding distractor, then,
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Speaker 2: but my wife, Kylie munder our six daughters sitting opposite me.
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Speaker 2: It's pulling faces at me and trying to stick her
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Speaker 2: tongue out of her mouth as far as you can,
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Speaker 2: like she's gonna don't put it up your nose. That's gross, Kylie,
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Speaker 2: don't come on.
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Speaker 3: Oh you're hilarious.
0:47
Speaker 2: I love Fridays. I feel like we can finally relax
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Speaker 2: the weekends nearly hear, if you're in lockdown in any
0:53
Speaker 2: of the places where these things keep on happening, we
0:56
Speaker 2: are with you in spirit, and we hope that our
0:59
Speaker 2: podcast helps you to make your family happier.
1:01
Speaker 3: Every fo just make you laugh, nothing else.
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Speaker 2: So every Friday we do this thing called I'll do
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Speaker 2: Better Tomorrow. Today no exception, but I want to start
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Speaker 2: by just emphasizing I'll do better Tomorrow is about being
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Speaker 2: intentional about our parenting so that we can be better
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Speaker 2: next time tomorrow, next time we confronted with challenges that
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Speaker 2: we can do better than we did today, or acknowledging hey,
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Speaker 2: I did really well and if I keep doing it
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Speaker 2: like this, I'm going to keep doing it better and
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Speaker 2: better and better. But really, what I'll Do Better Tomorrow
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Speaker 2: is about is celebrating great parenting and celebrating awesome kids,
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Speaker 2: awesome families. Last week for I'll Do Better Tomorrow, we
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Speaker 2: talked about ash Barty and her family and that beautiful
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Speaker 2: tribute from Jolana Dookitch. And today, because you know that
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Speaker 2: I love sport, I found another awesome little piece. This
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Speaker 2: was Jacob Townsend. Jacob Townsend is a Gold Coast Son's
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Speaker 2: AFL player. Now you don't have to like AFL to
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Speaker 2: find some you in this. Jacob has a stutter. He's
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Speaker 2: a professional athlete and he has a stutter. And I
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Speaker 2: don't know if I can think of anything more challenging,
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Speaker 2: more terrifying than having to stand on the side of
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Speaker 2: the field at the end of a game and do
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Speaker 2: a post match interview on national television for a reporter.
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Speaker 2: This is what happened for Jacob Townsend. Let's go back down.
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Speaker 3: To cav Have you got your whole team watching on here?
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Speaker 3: Two goals in a windhouse that for your club devot Yeah, obviously.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, the feeling pretty pretty quick at the moment. I
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Speaker 4: thought I was come coming and try and claim a role.
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Speaker 4: And we've had a tough week obviously, the last week
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Speaker 4: wasn't what we wanted to put out there, so we
2:45
Speaker 4: had a tough week on the training track. We wanted
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Speaker 4: to come company with a pretty good, good good winning
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Speaker 4: I felt that we did that just finally.
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Speaker 3: How satisfying to repay coach Stuart Jews been under a
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Speaker 3: bit of pressure lately.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, you're right, he's been on the pumping and he's
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Speaker 4: sort of hasn't had much to do with our performance
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Speaker 4: as it's all us out there. So yeah, said we've
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Speaker 4: we had a focus of come com out here and
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Speaker 4: having a wink and thank god wady that.
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Speaker 2: So I was good, go and celibrate let's go back
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Speaker 2: down to cav.
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Speaker 3: I don't think that I've ever heard an interview with
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Speaker 3: anyone with a starter.
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Speaker 2: No, no, of I it's literally the first time I've
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Speaker 2: seen it on TV in any context, let alone after
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Speaker 2: a sporting contest.
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Speaker 3: And what I love about this is in a world
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Speaker 3: where we're all about perfection, we're all about smoothing over.
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Speaker 2: All of the rough edges.
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Speaker 3: Rough edges and presenting this perfect image is here's this kid, Well,
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Speaker 3: he's not really a kid.
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Speaker 2: He's a young man.
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Speaker 3: He's still young, and he was able to stand up.
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Speaker 3: There was so much confidence as I watched it, That's
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Speaker 3: what I saw. I saw a kid with confidence and
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Speaker 3: an ability to just say things in spite of his starter.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. And for those of you who couldn't, obviously you're
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Speaker 2: only hearing the audio. The way he stood and held himself,
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Speaker 2: his posture, the way he demonstrated his character through that conversation.
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Speaker 2: It's only forty five seconds. He nailed it. And I
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Speaker 2: watched that interview and thought, we've got to share that
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Speaker 2: for any parent who's got a child who lacks confidence,
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Speaker 2: for any parent who's got a child who has a
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Speaker 2: stutter or is on the autism spectrum, or has adhd
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Speaker 2: or who is shy and introverted and quiet and scared.
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Speaker 2: I think that this is just a powerful example of
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Speaker 2: a young man being confident and brilliant.
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Speaker 3: It makes me wonder what his parents were like, how
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Speaker 3: they helped shape him and his character and his confidence
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Speaker 3: to just be him and be okay with who he is.
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Speaker 3: I love it.
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Speaker 2: Anything else about it to stand out to you.
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Speaker 3: It actually reminded me of a conversation we had a
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Speaker 3: few weeks ago from our movie Extravaganza.
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Speaker 2: Those amazing podcasts the jr Just made us sound so good.
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Speaker 3: Well, it reminded me of finding Nema. Yeah, and we
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Speaker 3: had that conversation about Nemo and here he is, and
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Speaker 3: he's not like everybody else, and his challenges could actually
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Speaker 3: hinder him from being like everybody else and achieving what
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Speaker 3: everybody else did. And his dad was so intent on
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Speaker 3: keeping him.
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Speaker 2: Close, protecting him.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, but in an effort to show the world and
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Speaker 3: to show him his dad that he could do something,
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Speaker 3: he achieved something amazing. I'm going to make an assumption
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Speaker 3: that his parents have a lot to do with his
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Speaker 3: capacity to be able to stand there with such confidence.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. I hope. So I do want to point out
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Speaker 2: that Finding Nemo wasn't real, that Nemo didn't actually change
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Speaker 2: the world or anything. It's just a movie, really, But
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Speaker 2: Jacob Townsend's story is true and I like it more
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Speaker 2: because of that. Now, Older Better Tomorrow is what we
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Speaker 2: do every Friday, and I just thought that was a
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Speaker 2: really nice inspiring way to start a Friday, to highlight
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Speaker 2: no matter where your kids are, no matter what they're
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Speaker 2: up to, no matter the challenges that you face, they
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Speaker 2: can do hard things. So let's have a look at Old,
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Speaker 2: Do Better Tomorrow. Every Friday, we talk about moments that
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Speaker 2: we got wrong and how it can prove or moments
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Speaker 2: that we got right, so that we could try to
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Speaker 2: do them more often and make our parenting more intentional.
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Speaker 2: I might go first because my one's a quick one,
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Speaker 2: and that's yours is quick as well. Now you go
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Speaker 2: con all right, So the last few days we've been
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Speaker 2: having I've been having really big connection challenges one of
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Speaker 2: the kids, like, really, every time she looks at me,
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Speaker 2: it's like she wants to scream at me. I don't
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Speaker 2: think I've actually done anything, but it got me thinking
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Speaker 2: about the whole relationship. Bucket thing. Right, So, your relationship
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Speaker 2: with a child is a bucket, and you either have
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Speaker 2: water or air in the bucket. The water is connection,
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Speaker 2: the air is correction and direction. And I started to
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Speaker 2: think maybe I'm just telling her what to do too much.
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Speaker 2: The penny dropped when she looked at me and yelled,
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Speaker 2: stop telling me what to do, like, I don't tell
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Speaker 2: you what to do all the time, and she was like, yes,
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Speaker 2: you do. You tell me what to do all the time.
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Speaker 2: I thought, maybe I need to get a bit more
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Speaker 2: water in that relationship bucket, a bit more connection going
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Speaker 2: in there. And so just yesterday morning, I went in
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Speaker 2: to wake her up first thing, laid down on the bed,
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Speaker 2: gave her big cuddles, and just said to her, I
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Speaker 2: haven't spent lots of fun time with you for a
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Speaker 2: while because I've been so busy with work. And she
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Speaker 2: kind of looked at me funny, and I said, after
7:13
Speaker 2: school today, would you like to have some special time?
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Speaker 2: Just with that. The rest of the morning she was
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Speaker 2: a dream. She got ready for school, she ate her breakfast,
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Speaker 2: she participated in our family time, she was out the
7:23
Speaker 2: door on time with you, she had her uniform like
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Speaker 2: everything amazing. And then when she came home from school,
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Speaker 2: you and I had a couple of things to take
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Speaker 2: care of. She didn't win, she didn't complain. She went
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Speaker 2: and looked after herself because she knew that I was
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Speaker 2: going to make good on the promise. And it's like
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Speaker 2: having a different child. And it's so funny because I
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Speaker 2: say this to parents all the time when they say, oh,
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Speaker 2: my kids are driving me up the wall, I keep
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Speaker 2: on saying, connection is the answer. Connection is the currency
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Speaker 2: of relationships. Kids spell Love to iame like my central
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Speaker 2: message of everything that I talk about, and yet here
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Speaker 2: I am with a kid who's driving me crazy. And
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Speaker 2: then I'm like, oh, she's telling me that there's too
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Speaker 2: much correction and direction not enough connection. So I focused
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Speaker 2: on connection And guess what solves every problem. That's my
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Speaker 2: older better tomorrow. It's kids Spell Love time. And I
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Speaker 2: had to have that experience so that I couldn't.
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Speaker 3: Remember, well, I'll share my experience after the break.
8:12
Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
8:15
Speaker 5: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, Teens and Screens
8:19
Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
8:23
Speaker 5: Bye today at Happyfamilies dot com, dot au slash Shop.
8:28
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
8:30
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now. And today we're
8:33
Speaker 3: talking about our reflections on the week that's been.
8:36
Speaker 2: It's called I'll Do Better Tomorrow. For mine, it was
8:39
Speaker 2: kids Spell Love Time and if you children are driving
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Speaker 2: your bonkers, spend some time with them. Let's hear your
8:44
Speaker 2: and Kylie.
8:45
Speaker 3: Well, this week we start a book club up again
8:47
Speaker 3: for this term.
8:47
Speaker 2: Okay, so book club. I always interrupt you when you
8:50
Speaker 2: say this because we need to let you know if
8:52
Speaker 2: you are a Happy Families member, if you're part of
8:54
Speaker 2: our Happy Families membership, we do book club once a
8:57
Speaker 2: term four weeks. Spend four weeks based basically diving into
9:01
Speaker 2: one of my books and helping you to make your
9:03
Speaker 2: family happier because the stuff that's in the book. And
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Speaker 2: you run book club for our Happy Families members.
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Speaker 3: Only because I haven't read your books, and this is
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Speaker 3: the way you get me to read them. But this
9:12
Speaker 3: one is misconnection. We're focused on your book about teenage girls.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, why your teenage daughter hates you in inverted commers
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Speaker 2: expects the world and needs to talk.
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Speaker 3: So the other night we actually started at chapter two,
9:25
Speaker 3: it says you just don't get me, and I don't
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Speaker 3: get me either. That's the title of your chapter. And
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Speaker 3: in there you talk about this concept of not understanding
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Speaker 3: our teenagers, but our teenager is not even understanding themselves
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Speaker 3: and the challenge that comes as a result of trying
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Speaker 3: to connect with them. But you highlight three psychological needs. Yep, connection, competence,
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Speaker 3: and autonomy.
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Speaker 2: Okay, so the official word is relatedness, competence, and autonomy.
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Speaker 2: But yeah, it's about the connection.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I like connection.
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Speaker 2: That's fine. I just it's the scholar and me. We've
10:01
Speaker 2: got to be precise.
10:02
Speaker 3: But yes, And so we had a conversation around this
10:06
Speaker 3: idea of in order for us to have influence in
10:09
Speaker 3: our children's lives, and specifically we're talking about teenagers based
10:12
Speaker 3: on your boog, we actually need to do the one
10:15
Speaker 3: thing we don't want to do, and we need to
10:17
Speaker 3: let go. And it's through letting go and actually allowing
10:22
Speaker 3: our children some autonomy that we gain an opportunity for
10:27
Speaker 3: influence in their lives.
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Speaker 2: It's a tremendous paradox that as we give power away,
10:31
Speaker 2: we become more powerful. As we say, what do you
10:33
Speaker 2: think they're more inclined to look at us and say, well,
10:36
Speaker 2: this is what I think. How do you feel about that?
10:38
Speaker 2: I'm interested now in my parents' opinion, how ironic.
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Speaker 3: So the reason I was sharing all of that is
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Speaker 3: because we've had an experience in our home recently which
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Speaker 3: has really highlighted the importance of those three major needs
10:50
Speaker 3: in our children's lives. One of our children broke up
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Speaker 3: with her boyfriend ten months. Ten months is a pretty
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Speaker 3: big deal when you're that age, so.
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Speaker 2: We can so that it wasn't our seven year old.
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Speaker 3: So over the months that we've gotten to know her boyfriend,
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Speaker 3: and we've watched the way they've interacted with each other
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Speaker 3: and the conversations that they're having, and we've been able
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Speaker 3: to see the way our daughter acts, we've had some concerns.
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Speaker 3: Not that he's not a good guy. It's actually a
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Speaker 3: great kid.
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Speaker 2: Just say he's a great kid.
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Speaker 3: But they're not particularly compatible.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I don't. I wouldn't say that I would
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Speaker 2: put them together and argue that this was going to
11:29
Speaker 2: be long term successful. And parents, you kind of look
11:32
Speaker 2: at your kids and you get that sense, right.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think they're not necessarily good for each other.
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Speaker 3: It's not one way. And so we've had some conversations
11:43
Speaker 3: with her over the months, and we've talked about things
11:45
Speaker 3: with her, but we've given her absolute autonomy.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, we've never said you need to break up. In fact,
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Speaker 2: to the contrary, we've said, we're sharing this with you.
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Speaker 2: But we hope that as a result of this conversation
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Speaker 2: you don't break up. We just want you to ponder
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Speaker 2: the things that we're considering and consider whether for yourself
12:00
Speaker 2: there right or wrong.
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Speaker 3: And so over the last few months, she's actually broken
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Speaker 3: up with him once or twice before, but she's always gone.
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Speaker 2: Back to you within an hour, yes, and it's.
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Speaker 3: Been very traumatic each time. But this last time, she
12:13
Speaker 3: came to us and we kind of shared with her
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Speaker 3: some thoughts that we were having, and she sat there
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Speaker 3: and she listened, and about an hour later we went
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Speaker 3: into her bedroom and she was sobbing. She was having
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Speaker 3: a really, really hard time, and she decided, based on
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Speaker 3: the conversation that we'd had with her and the thoughts
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Speaker 3: that she'd been having, which evoked the conversation in the
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Speaker 3: first place, that this wasn't the right thing for her.
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Speaker 3: The hard thing for her was that she loves him
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Speaker 3: and she loves him deeply and it hurt a lot.
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Speaker 2: Do you remember breaking up with your first serious crush.
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Speaker 3: I didn't have one. You didn't break up with me.
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Speaker 2: Nama, you're so good. I remember a couple of my
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Speaker 2: breakups and they are heartrending for a teenager. Those emotions
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Speaker 2: are so big. And she was sobbing.
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Speaker 3: She was devastated, and for three days she looked like
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Speaker 3: a ghost.
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Speaker 2: She just wouldn't he couldn't sleep, handed us to the
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Speaker 2: phone and said, I don't want my phone because I'm
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Speaker 2: going to call him. I'm going to put our relationship
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Speaker 2: back on, and I know that it's not what I
13:08
Speaker 2: should do, so just look after my phone. We didn't
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Speaker 2: take it off, as she voluntarily surrendered it so that
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Speaker 2: she wouldn't do something she'd regret.
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Speaker 3: And in a quiet moment, she just came to me
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Speaker 3: and she said, Mum, I'm so glad that you had
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Speaker 3: that conversation with me. She said, this has been one
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Speaker 3: of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She said,
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Speaker 3: but justin know you've got my back and that you understand,
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Speaker 3: and that in spite of how hard the conversation was
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Speaker 3: to have, how important it was for me to have
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Speaker 3: that conversation with you. I was so proud of her.
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Speaker 3: And the thing that stood out to me out of
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Speaker 3: all of this was, we're two weeks down the track now.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been a couple of weeks.
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Speaker 3: Her best friend is her ex boyfriend and his friends
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Speaker 3: there are fivesome. There's four boys and our daughter and
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Speaker 3: they are best friends. And at no point through this
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Speaker 3: process has there been any unkind words spoken. There has
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Speaker 3: been no friendships lost, and everyone has just got on
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Speaker 3: with it. I'm really blown away with the maturity that
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Speaker 3: not only did our daughter have to go through this
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Speaker 3: process knowing how much it hurt and how much it
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Speaker 3: continued to hurt, but that each of the other boys
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Speaker 3: involved in.
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Speaker 2: The situation, including the ex boyfriend, could do the same. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: there's been extra I don't know too many adults that
14:22
Speaker 2: can do it, and these kids have done it really well.
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Speaker 2: So the take home message with the daughter's break up
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Speaker 2: story and the maintenance of a good relationship in spite
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Speaker 2: of it is.
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Speaker 3: There's three psychological needs. All of our children have them.
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Speaker 3: They want connection. If we can maintain that connection with them,
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Speaker 3: then we've got opportunities for influence. They need to feel competent.
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Speaker 3: They need to feel capable of making their own choices
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Speaker 3: and that they can make good choices. And we've allowed
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Speaker 3: her to do that the whole way through, in spite
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Speaker 3: of the fact that we might have had our own reservations.
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Speaker 3: And lastly, the autonomy to make those decisions, which.
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Speaker 2: Is the hardest part on our part to not step
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Speaker 2: in in control and say his what you need to do.
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Speaker 2: At every step of the way, we've said, now that
15:03
Speaker 2: we've had a chat about it, go away and think
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Speaker 2: about it, and you decide where to go from here.
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Speaker 3: She has for ten months. She's just that we didn't
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Speaker 3: know anything.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and then she turned around and did that. But
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Speaker 2: I mean, let's also give credit to his parents. They've
15:19
Speaker 2: raised a boy who instead of becoming vitriolic and nasty
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Speaker 2: and saying awful things or spreading rumors about our daughder,
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Speaker 2: he's just said, Okay, well, I accept that if the
15:29
Speaker 2: relationship was to continue now it would be non consentual.
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Speaker 2: It would be a horrible relationship. But I really cared
15:35
Speaker 2: for this person, and I'm going to continue to care
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Speaker 2: for her even though we're not in a romantic relationship anymore. Yeah,
15:44
Speaker 2: nice story. Thanks for sharing that The Happy Family's podcast
15:47
Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
15:49
Speaker 2: is our executive producer. We really hope you get something
15:51
Speaker 2: out of these stories that we share on a Friday
15:53
Speaker 2: with Older, Better Tomorrow. We certainly try not to just
15:55
Speaker 2: turn it into a story, but let you know that
15:57
Speaker 2: there's psychology behind it, or there's principles that can help
16:00
Speaker 2: us to get our relationships right with our kids. If
16:03
Speaker 2: you would like more info about how to get those
16:05
Speaker 2: principles working in your life, how to build a flourishing,
16:08
Speaker 2: thriving family, we'd love it if you check out the
16:10
Speaker 2: Happy Families memberships. More and more people are joining the
16:13
Speaker 2: family every day, making their family happier and giving raving
16:17
Speaker 2: positive feedback about how these memberships are changing their family
16:21
Speaker 2: for the better. You can get all the information at
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Speaker 2: happy families dot com. Today you