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Transcript

King Solomon's Mines (1985) · Citizen Frame

0:00
Music.
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If you were to crash between them, we would have been right at the mines.
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Okay, okay. Next time we steal a plane, I'll let you crash it.
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All right, guys, we're back with another exciting episode of Shit Cinema.
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And what better way to continue that with a complete ripoff of a much successful
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franchise, which I won't even mention the name because I have a lot of respect for that franchise.
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Right, well, I'm going to jump in there, and I'm going to say that actually
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the franchise as you're talking about, the Indiana Jones franchise.
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Actually, it was in part inspired by King Solomon's Minds, the original novel by H. Ryder Haggard.
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But then this film version of it, there's been a few film versions of it,
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which obviously you know, this version of it obviously rips heavily on Raiders
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of the Lost Ark especially.
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So it's like Ghostful Circle. This is information I didn't care about.
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Right, well, you should. Well there's kind of funny In research that you mentioned the writer H.
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Ryder Hager Who wrote King Solomon's Mines But the thing is he also wrote Which
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a lot of people don't know A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Which Sean Connery
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played Alan Quartermain In A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Yeah,
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Actually the characters Patrick Swayze's played them The character is Used quite a bit.
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And I'm surprised we never really got a good version. Well, apparently there's
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another version of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen coming.
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That's the rumor. I thought, you know, I'm going to go on record.
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Sean Connery quit the business because of his last film, which was terrible.
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But rumor has it he was very difficult on the set, and the director was bullied
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by him, and there was a lot of tension.
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And that director himself quit filmmaking. Right.
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And we lost two pretty talented people, especially Sean Connery being Sean Connery,
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and the name's escaping me, who directed it, I forgot, but he directed the first Blade.
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He did a lot of visual effects before taking the helms and directing,
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and so he even walked away. Sounds like a nightmare of a shoot.
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Sounds like a nightmare, and in all fairness, I actually rather enjoy that film.
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What a part. I think it gets a bum around. It sounds a bit like that,
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which we should do as well at some point.
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You know, the Val Kilmer and Marlon Brando version of The Island of Dr. Moreau? Yeah.
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Yeah, that director. But that director, I mean, there's a famous documentary about that. Yes.
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And I don't know how to feel. The director seems kind of out of it myself.
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So if I was the actor, I think he was Robert Stanley.
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I think Richard Stanley. Richard Stanley. Richard Stanley. He's a well-known
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sort of horror director, yeah.
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Well, not really. Yeah, I mean, he did Hardware. That was a movie that kind
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of got him on the map, which was a decent little film. Is it Color Out of Space recently, I believe?
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He seems kind of out there. Yeah. No, he is out there, I think.
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And I just don't think he knew how to play with the big boys.
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That's my honest opinion.
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But in all fairness, you've got two of the biggest egos at the time.
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Yes. We all know Marlon Brando was a dick to everybody, period. That's the way he was.
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And Val Kilmer at that time, his ego was. In our space. To the roof. Yeah.
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God love him. I'm glad he's fine because, you know.
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Hopefully, he says he's reflected back. I can't remember. We're going through
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a whole new, we're talking about a whole new movie now. Actually, I'm fine with it.
4:15
Let's just go back to, yeah, Kicks All His Minds.
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I saw this in the theater because I was high off of Temple of Doom,
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actually just came out not too long before this. You need to be high to watch this? Yeah, it's bad.
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It's, I love everything about who created it. Golan and Globus,
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they are the two guys who founded Canon.
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Yes. And Canon, all they were set out to do, they're almost like. They were a cinema team.
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They're almost like Corman, Corman filmmakers.
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Yeah. Where they wanted to make B movies for, you know, that's,
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we're using pretty good get Get Hollywood actors up who are at their prime or
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coming to the end of their prime. Whatever.
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They just want to entertain people. Yeah, they just want to entertain people
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and do it on a very minimal budget. Nothing against that.
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They work really heavily with Chuck Norris, Charles Bronson.
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They did a movie similar to this one with Chuck Norris and Louis Gossett Jr. called Firewalker.
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And they always get decent little directors. They especially worked with this
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guy who directed this one, which is J.
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Lee Thompson. Now Jay Lee Thompson is, is a get now he was coming to his retirement
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of his, of his, of his career, he was going to move on.
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So this is kind of his last grab bag, but for a career he's done the guns and
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Navarone, the original Cape fear,
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the sequels for the plan of the apes, the conquest and the battle of the plan
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of the apes, he did happy birthday to me, which is a wonderful little slasher film.
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So the guy's got obviously very good street cred.
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And then he went on to do, you know, mainly work with, you know,
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Death Wish movies and 10 to Midnight, which is actually pretty good if you guys want to see it.
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You know, The Evil That Men Do, which is a very disturbing film.
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But that's canon. Apparently, he was the director, was just basically going
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through the motions with us. It was a paycheck type thing, you know.
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Which was sad. Yes. Because of the movies I mentioned earlier.
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It's unfortunate that maybe it wasn't getting worse. And she said, fuck it.
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Yeah, this is according to Richard Chamberlain, apparently, according to reports. Yeah.
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Something went wrong. Well, everything did.
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And Richard Chamberlain wasn't right for this. No. To me, Richard Chamberlain
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was a TV star with Shogun and Thornburg.
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Dr. Kildare? I don't know him. I knew him as a supporting role in the Towering
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Inferno and stuff like that. I never saw him as a leading man unless it was
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on the TV. He's Dr. Kildare.
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Yeah. You know? Yeah, you said that. Why do you keep mentioning Dr.
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Kildare? Because that's what I remember him as.
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So there was a picture of it whenever I was growing up. Nobody likes that show.
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Well, I was never into it myself, to be honest. But, you know. They're just kind of.
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What's it about? My mum. Is it about a doctor? My mum used to watch it.
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And I think she liked it. Oh, sure. Your mum used to watch it.
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Well, hold on. Back then, it was like three, four channels. So,
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you know, he didn't have much choice But, yeah, to me, he'll always be For good and bad, Dr.
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Kildare Not Alan Waiterman Yeah,
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this had a lot of Hate on the From the indie fans.
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That has a lot of hate in general But no, a lot of hate with A lot of infighting
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Especially Sharon Stone being a diva Yes, apparently she was a nightmare,
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I'm just getting this from what I researched So I don't know if it's true or
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not I can see it being true. Did you hear the story?
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I heard several. The cast hated her so much and the extras and whatnot.
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Pissed in her bath. He peed in her bathtub. Yeah, I heard that.
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Yeah, and check this out. She didn't get into it because she could smell the
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pee because she used to take milk bathtubs.
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Right. Or something, milk baths. So her diva-ishness basically saved her from a bath of piss. Right?
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Yeah. You know what's bad? When you're peeing in the actress's bathtub. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Though the entire cast of Titanic and crew were all spiked by hallucinogenic
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drugs because they hated James Cameron. So...
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I don't know. Apparently, it was a nightmare. Not that I am advocating or defending,
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pissing in people's baths.
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You know? Yes, you are. No, no, no. It's just a funny story,
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like from Hollywood. I bet you your favorite TV character of all time,
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Dr. Kildare, you probably, yeah.
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That was the famous band episode of Dr. Kildare, you know, where he pisses in patients' baths.
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Let's just jump into this piece of shit. sounds like some sort of weird sexual
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kink or something, but you know, anyway.
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We might have to do it, almost. There's a sequel to this. No.
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There's a direct sequel to this, which they filmed back to back.
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Yeah, James R. Jones as the villain. Yeah. Lost City of Gold.
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So, maybe down the road if we're really bored. It got worse.
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It got fucking worse. again i you
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know go back to this once again but yet again this is another one
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i would have seen a video back then or i
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can't remember i've actually rented out video but i at very least watched it
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on tv and i remember thinking it was okay but it was no indiana jones but watching
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it again as an adult from the podcast eyes whoa yeah yeah it's a piece of shit
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we've got yeah Yeah, Richard Chamberlain, Sharon Stone,
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Ian Holm, John Rhys-Davies, Ken Gapu.
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Yeah, Alan Quartermain, Jesse, Colonel Brockner. Herbert Long.
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Robert Brockner, Dugati, Mbappu.
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So there you go, and this horrible witch woman, Gagula. Yeah.
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It's Herbert Long doing it here. I mean, this is just ridiculous. Ian Holm.
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Is it Ian Holm? Herbert Lom. Oh, Herbert Lom. Yeah, Herbert Lom.
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Sorry, I got Ian Holm. I'm going to get Ian Holm from fucking Alien. Yeah.
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Yeah, I don't get it. I mean, he just was, he was, you know,
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the Pink Panther films, and of course, Dead Zone.
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Yeah. We talked about him in that. very serious actor and uh get some decent
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comedic timing obviously with the pink panthers but what the fuck was he thinking
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again this was the 80s though like i just mentioned,
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coming to the end of the career like even the director jay lee thompson they
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were kind of they were they were older now and they were just taking roles they
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didn't give a shit and and probably on paper this looked like fun i mean it's
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an adventure film adventure films are hot thanks to two big hits,
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which is Raiders of Lost Ark, you got Temple of Doom,
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and then you also even had Romance in the Stone. Yeah.
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So these are all big, big, big blockbusters. So I get why they'd sign off.
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Yeah, they probably thought they were on to a winner.
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And you got to realize, as an actor, when you're he's doing these comedic little
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zingers with Johnny Davies, who plays Bugatti, and it's terrible when we see
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it, but when they're doing it, they're probably just having a good time.
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Yeah. So they probably see it as we're going to have a good time.
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Well, by the sounds of things, they weren't actually having a good time,
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but they thought they would have had a good time, you know, thanks to Miss Stone,
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you know, and her bath of piss. Yeah.
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I can't see it not being true just because of the fact that everyone says it
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and it is her first film. They're odds are against her.
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They're odds are against her pretty much.
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And then things turn. You know, I like Sharon Stone. I actually do,
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I think she's a good actress, but you have to start from somewhere.
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She's an Oscar winner through Casino, but she's absolutely,
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dreadful in this, I mean it goes beyond even sort of bad acting here with her,
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it's I don't give a fuck about this acting you know, she does not care like
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was stated about Damien Thompson,
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the director and possibly Chamberlain as well,
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I think think a lot of the issues from this film is
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people's hearts weren't in it it was just a cash grab to cash in on the success
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of the likes of the indiana jones and also the you know like you stated romancing
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the stone as well it's okay well let's let's let's just jump into it yeah shit.
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Well, you had me in the opening scene. It's entertaining. There you go.
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There you go. No, it is. The opening sequence in the village. No, the village.
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It's madly entertaining. No, it's not. Oh, dear. It's madly entertaining.
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No, it's... Trevor, you need to really...
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You need... No, no, no. Can I... I did not. What I said was in the very beginning.
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Right. Which is the opening scene. I didn't say anything about the fucking train
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wreck we're about to talk to.
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You fucking love this shit And I don't I don't get it,
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We're about to talk Street Fighter And I'm gonna tear you to fucking shreds
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When we get to Street Fighter I'll put fucking ambation on you Oh fuck me God
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love Raul Jura, poor bastard Okay,
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So we meet Kazam He's this artifacts dealer And Degati infiltrates This meeting
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where they need to find They got this Arctic fact, which was going to show you
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the map of King Solomon's mines.
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Yes. Right? This is where we met Professor Harris.
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No, Professor- Sharon Stone's dad.
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Sharon Stone's dad. If they called him Professor Henry, I would have been pissed.
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So, yeah. So, he's got to translate. And then his little buddy sidekick goes,
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we don't have a stand for this.
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And as he's going to leave, they got this spikes above his door that slam through
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the door and he gets crushed. And it's bloody.
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And there's blood. I'm like, okay, I'll go with this Right?
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It's alright I don't know why you would have that kind of device In your door,
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In a shop But okay, we'll go with it I'd like to be one of the builders Putting
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that attention onto the door But yeah, go ahead.
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That's it. That was the best part of the film. So now we're in your favorite scene of all time.
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You just said when they're in the village of Tongola. Yes.
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Which you said was visually stunning. And you literally said that this is better
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than Indiana Jones. I can't believe you said that.
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It's madly entertaining. Unreal. Can't believe you said that.
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What I will defend this film about is it's very fast moving.
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It doesn't, you know, stop to sort of catch its breath, which maybe it should, but.
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Yeah, it doesn't stop to edit. It doesn't stop.
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I mean, there's, here's a problem. There's no B in this movie. Yeah. There's no B.
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There's an A and there's a C, but there's no B. Yes. Yeah. And I'll explain that with the cuts.
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So not always this whole scene, a ripoff of the market in Raiders. Right.
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Instead of a basket where Karen Allen's in, we have a rug. Yes.
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It's, I don't mind nodding the hat. We talked about that with Tarantino.
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You're going to nod the hat and wink at the audience at your favorite stuff
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and what you're trying to do. We get that.
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But you got to make it your own. These guys don't. They blatantly steal.
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Yeah, it's pretty obvious. It's bad. And I, and the, the Canon team should have known better.
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And I, yeah, obviously they're there to make a quick buck and that's too bad.
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Cause I, the documentary, you guys should check it out. It's pretty good about them.
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But yeah, this is just, this is terrible.
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You've got even jokes that are so bad. They're very, very forced.
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There's the slaves. Make it, yeah, make, yeah, they make a joke.
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These slaves, all those prisoners know they're slaves. For a hundred,
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for a hundred dollars, you could own one for life.
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She goes, well, that's terrible. Well, you can always bargain.
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Yeah yeah oh here you know yeah i mean like fuck me i mean i mean we'll get
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to it later on and what is essentially a family film we get to someone getting
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their balls and dick shot off very soon.
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So you have you know what this film is though it's literally planes trains and automobiles yeah.
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Because there's literally planes trains automobiles oh yeah and more and more
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oh yeah god don't get wait wait till we get to the fucking hanging people
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yeah so and then
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you got that fucking that whole side story with uh
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ducati and bockner who were he
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loves listening like no yes yes this plays off as while raiders of the lost
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ark and the market scene is very slick and this is because spielberg's directing
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it expertly he's at the height of his game and this plays off and throughout
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the film like a carry-on film
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this is carry on africa with dr kildare
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you know and i don't mean that and
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you know the carry on films you know they are but they are you know
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and they're entertaining because they're meant to be silly comedies this is
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just yeah this is it's not good i mean when i was talking about there's no b
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it's usually in the action sequences you'll have you have jesse being kidnapped
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at this point And then you have,
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first you see Richard Chamberlain running on the top of the, of the roof.
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Yes. Trying to catch up to her. She falls off the roof. And then all of a sudden
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he's, and then all of a sudden he's swinging. Yeah.
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Then all of a sudden he's over there. There's no, how did he get there?
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Show us that. Show us that actual stunt.
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So it is, a lot of it is just very incoherent.
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It's, it's, it's, this is just a cheap, cheap insult to what they're,
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to the original material.
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Even the original kicks almost minds, you know, this is just terrible filming. Well, it's an original.
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And I'm shocked this is coming from, there must've been editing issues or something, maybe.
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It's choppy. Or maybe this was just. Yeah. And it's also an insult to the audience
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where it's basically saying the audience are, are brain dead.
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They'll just take this shit up because they liked Indiana Jones.
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Jones, so we'll just give them more and they'll not be paying,
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because they're so idiotic and brainless, they'll not be paying attention enough
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to notice all of this, but we do.
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The best actor in the entire film is Abapu. Yes. He's the bodyguard.
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But the character's completely fucking stupid, this nonsense with him being
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afraid of cars and stuff.
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It's very inconsistent. First, he's holding his hands in his eyes when they're
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on the train, but he's willing to get up and fight and he's willing to move around.
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Well, he has a fear of cars, apparently. That's supposed to be the joke.
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Or he's brave in it. No, he's afraid of any kind of vehicle.
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Yes, yes. That's why he does it on the train as well. Yeah, yeah.
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He does it basically throughout and it's like a running joke, but it's just stupid.
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It just makes a character come across like a fucking child, you know,
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or something. You know, it's daft.
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It's not funny in terms of a joke.
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After this train wreck to get the, the map and, and to get Jessie out of the
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town, they have her father kidnapped and they need him to interpret this map, this artifact.
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And that's why they're now going to the train to, to get him to save his life.
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Now I'll tell you what guys, you know, you know, what's good accidents happen.
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You know, it's really, fuck me. You know, it's really good action cinema when you have a good.
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Skiing. You have really good, you have a good gay rape scene.
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You have blowing a man's dick off. You have train track skiing.
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You have blind German gunmen. And of course, all capped off with a zany camp down races escape.
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Right. Right. right and everything i
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have just told you happens it happens
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in this family film like i
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know it was the 80s and things were you know a bit sort
20:43
of more sort of i don't know you got away with a bit more back then but like
20:47
wow like it's it's it's it's the male rape scene it's just like it's like what
20:53
the i forgot about it because it's been so long since i watched this but you
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have this german guy who's obviously even though they're not nazis because it's
20:59
said before the nazis they're sort of Nazi stand-ins.
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They go, are you attracted to me?
21:05
Yeah, I'm attracted to you. Yeah.
21:08
So it's, you know, obviously he's going to rape him. And then Dr.
21:12
Gilder pops up with a gun and literally shoots the guy, dipping balls off.
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In a family film.
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It's so stupid. Yeah, because does he say, I'm going to put something in your mouth or something?
21:26
It's really... It gets back to the carry-on film.
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I will even carry on films that not rip.
21:34
Do you know what I mean? It's fucking nuts.
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And then you have that fight scene is so bad. Yeah. Underneath.
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And then I love how they got these Germans and they got these huge gun turds.
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None of them see what's going on. Stupid bastards.
21:48
Yeah. Fucking idiots. And he's underneath the train and he's fighting that guy. It was so.
21:53
Yeah. It wasn't even intense.
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And then they fucking blatantly rip off.
21:59
Indiana Jones Raiders when he's hiding behind, when he's hanging onto the rope
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in the back of the train, which by the way, it's not the same thing.
22:07
He'd be almost killed. Those train tracks are not going to be comfortable. Oh, it's ridiculous.
22:11
And then he starts skiing on it. Yeah.
22:14
And then it has those bad cutaways where you see a closeup of Richard Chamberlain's face.
22:20
Yeah. And then he's, you can tell there's a movie screen behind him.
22:23
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's super close. Yeah.
22:25
There's a lot of this going on here. Yeah.
22:28
You know, you're better off just throwing the stuntman from a distance. You know what?
22:32
Don't do that. I was thinking about this, and you know who, if this was a different director, someone.
22:39
Like Spielberg, or even, you know, if we're going to go with,
22:42
like, Nazi stand-ins and people getting their dicks blown off,
22:44
Tarantino, if they were to direct
22:47
something like this, it would work very well, but this is just a mess.
22:51
No, you know who could pull this off? Robert Rodriguez. Yes.
22:55
Yeah. Rodriguez. he gets. And put Antonio Banderas in them.
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Yeah, and have like Tarantino as a Nazi or something, because you know they're
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best mates or something.
23:04
I just, this is just soul-destroying. And then the fucking, the professor's
23:10
being whipped to death, and there's no way he survived this.
23:13
They keep breaking the whips.
23:14
Yep. Are you fucking kidding me? And the guy's about 90 anyway, you know what I mean?
23:20
Yeah. Yeah.
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Yeah. And then when they get off the train and they stop everything and they
23:29
save the father and yada yada yada he helps Sharon Stone off the train and he says,
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oh fuck me sideways this is, no he doesn't say that, I wish he did say that,
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he says I don't believe I don't believe in the minds but I'm beginning beginning
23:53
to believe in you. Oh, wow.
23:54
That really hit me in the face. You know, it's such an emotional, sort of powerful line.
23:59
It is. This is what this film is all about. Yeah. The chemistry these two never had. Yeah.
24:05
Well, I mean, not only that, you know what I mean?
24:08
We'll get to the plane scene soon as well. This is just a bunch of comedy set
24:14
pieces that aren't done very well.
24:17
I mean, they're not done well at all, basically. But it's just a bunch of comedy
24:21
set pieces that slapstick comedy set pieces that they don't pull off, basically.
24:27
Well, you got the plane scene now. So way to top off that train.
24:31
You can't really care how you beat. How do you beat the train sequence? That was so intense.
24:35
Yeah. Wow. Now you got the plane scene. Yeah.
24:39
And plain and simple, pardon the pun, this is shit and this is beyond shit.
24:45
This is, and what really doesn't work is Sharon Stone looking like she's trying to steer a plane.
24:52
It's almost like she's a child and one of those little rides you put your child
24:57
on for a pound and it moves a bit in front of the grocery store for like five seconds.
25:01
That's what, and she's, and she's holding the control like it's going all over the place. Yeah.
25:05
If she was holding the control like that, that That plane would have taken off
25:09
the minute she touched it. Her character is meant to be an educated woman, an archaeologist.
25:15
But here she plays, like, basically a cross between a child and a blatant ripoff
25:22
of Willie Scott from the Temple of Doom.
25:25
And not a very good ripoff of Willie Scott either. You know what I mean?
25:29
And it's just great, Sonya.
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Add into that mix her awful acting. and yeah it's extremely great it's just
25:39
just i want this to be over i want i want to be i want to be a german on a plane
25:43
get fucking shut down or something you know i mean i can't go on here you know
25:48
i i at this point i wanted to pee in her.
25:53
It was so bad it was so bad i would have chosen bathing and drinking her bath
25:59
water of piss I didn't have to fucking sit through any more of this nonsense.
26:04
You rather drink? Did you just, what did you just say? I'm joking.
26:07
It's a joke about how bad the film is.
26:09
I'm sorry. You rather drink or piss? No, the piss in the bath as opposed to warmness.
26:16
Dude. That's a joke. It's a joke. Obviously.
26:23
Okay, that's cool. Whatever you want to put in your cereal. That's cool.
26:30
But here, we're getting up to one of the best scenes out of the lot. In the cooking pot.
26:36
The soup. Yeah. Yes. The bowl of soup.
26:39
This is fucking terrible, too. I mean, each scene just gets worse and worse.
26:45
And then later on, there's upside down people.
26:47
It's almost like...
26:49
They spent all their money on the set of Tugada and on the train,
26:53
and then they're like, oh, shit, okay, we got to do three more of these.
26:58
I mean, I'm not very much not a social justice warrior or anything like that
27:04
there, you know what I mean?
27:06
And, you know what I mean, I'm politically correct or whatever,
27:09
but if I was an African national, I'd be pissed off at my depiction in this
27:14
because they're basically all portrayed as either fucking real primitives or cannibals.
27:21
You know what I mean? It's like, you know what I mean?
27:24
Well, I don't, actually, I'm
27:25
not going to go on that one because it's a fucking movie. Yeah, exactly.
27:28
I mean, I can't really, I'm just saying, but, you know what I mean?
27:32
But, I mean, every African. It takes the piss out of everybody.
27:35
It takes the piss out of Middle Easterns. It takes the piss out of Germans.
27:39
It takes the piss out of. Charleston. Stupid blondes.
27:42
Yeah. Yeah, literally. No, I mean, but I mean, yeah, it's just fucking, yeah.
27:47
Again, this whole soup thing, they're in this round bowl, which you kind of
27:52
go with as they're trying to tilt it, which is funny because the natives aren't
27:56
stopping them from doing it, but that's fine.
27:58
And obviously a couple of stagehands
27:59
on the stage rocking this back and forward, you know what I mean?
28:03
Oh, I know. And then it rolls down the hill. But yet now it's got a flat bottom. Yes.
28:09
Yep. Because they couldn't have gotten away if it was a flat bottom.
28:12
Yeah. they couldn't have rolled it in the first place. And to meet the lions.
28:15
So how is that possible? Yeah.
28:16
That's what I'm saying. I don't mind fucking bad cinema if it's going to be poorly drawn.
28:21
I'm fine with it, but continuity pisses me off, and that's bad.
28:25
There's also like, yeah, even the stuff with the lions, it's weirdly shut,
28:29
you know, whenever it eventually stops, and the lions are like waiting on them
28:32
outside, and it's like- Which, by the way, they would have ate them in two seconds, but that's just me.
28:37
Yeah, no problem, but it's like, whenever you go from the continuity to their
28:41
point of view or from inside the big cooking pot to like outside point of view
28:46
you know the point of view of the lands basically there's like more lands and
28:50
stuff it's fucking weird.
28:52
Well, then they get saved by the people who hang. Yeah, the upside down people,
28:56
yeah. The upside down people.
28:58
Fuck me. I never knew in the middle of the desert that the upside down people
29:03
existed in the desert. Did I say desert? Jungle. Jungle, yeah.
29:06
But it's amazing how they have the best fucking laundry detergent that money
29:12
can buy because they do their laundry for them. Yeah. And they have irons. Yes.
29:18
And Sharon Stone, throughout this, Sharon Stone,
29:21
don't well our outfits are regularly updated in the
29:24
middle of the jungle and like the 1910s or whatever this
29:27
is set you know so you know that's pretty handy that's pretty
29:29
nifty you know and they give her this fucking crystal
29:34
crown yeah yeah something
29:37
like that what happened to that why didn't you keep it who knows but you
29:40
know i can only i have to be fair here perhaps i
29:43
haven't read the original novel i must admit so maybe
29:47
a lot of these scenes like the upside down
29:49
people and stuff are in the original novel I suspect
29:53
it would be but I think with the way it's done here it just feels like they're
29:59
just like thrown in for good measure I don't know I would have to read the original
30:02
novel but with this version of it it definitely feels like they're just like
30:07
fucking everything but the kitchen sink in you know there's even a random.
30:14
Later on when we get to the finale there's even a random
30:17
giant spider which we see for about two seconds and
30:20
it's like they said no wait damn the special effects on this aren't
30:23
great let's just fucking not bother with it and also a
30:26
giant godzilla type monster that pops up for a couple of seconds as well so
30:30
there's like so much stuff here just like thrown into the mix maybe it's in
30:34
the original novel i would have to read it no you go ahead and do that yeah
30:39
then we meet the god awful gargoyle yes witchy woman.
30:46
Her face was very wrinkly. You don't say?
30:51
No, I wasn't sure if the actress. Makeup, surely.
30:57
Is it? I don't know. I wasn't sure if it was a mask or she's just older.
31:02
And, you know, you get wrinkly, that's fine.
31:04
I don't know. Maybe it's a bit of both. I don't know. But even what he called
31:08
Dr. Kildare calls her prune face.
31:11
So, you know, she's quite scurvy, actually. You know, like if you met her in
31:15
real life, you know? No, no. Yeah, if you met her in real life, yes.
31:18
But after five seconds, I wanted to dance.
31:20
Yeah. Because just screaming. Yeah. Just fucking screaming. And then they had the gator sequence.
31:25
And I love when he finally, he escapes from the gators, and I don't know how,
31:30
but whatever, whatever.
31:32
And he's punching people. And as he punches them, they're flying over these gated spears thing.
31:41
Yes. that border off this alligator pit.
31:44
He punches him, and they're flying over these and going into the gator pit. Yep.
31:50
Yeah. That's real. Yeah. That's believable. Oh, gators?
31:54
Gators eaten? Wow, what's that from? Oh, yeah, Temple of Doom.
31:57
Yeah, well, not Temple of Doom, but also, well, I got Live and Let Die vibes as well, you know?
32:03
Well, yeah, but you got to stay with the genre you're in.
32:07
Yeah. You know, it makes sense if you're saying Temple of Doom. I just go into it.
32:10
And there's plenty of gators People eating gators Roadhouse Part 2 No Part 3
32:16
It's a remake It's a remake It was the remake Because they had gators in it
32:21
But they don't eat anybody In the second one Yeah Yeah,
32:25
Then you have the clucking quicksand scene where he decides,
32:28
the colonel, to shoot all his men that are in the quicksand and then use their
32:32
bodies as stepping stones. Which doesn't make any sense.
32:34
But which doesn't make any sense because in the first scene before that,
32:38
Richard Chamberlain and the gang just go, oh, that's quicksand.
32:42
Just go this way. Walk around the rock. Yep. Yep. Why didn't they just do that?
32:45
Yeah, because apparently it's funny.
32:47
You know, apparently that was meant to be funny. Herbert Lom is here I don't
32:52
know It's just a bonkers role Yeah.
32:57
I think he was just there for the paycheck Like was stated because this is just
33:01
pantomime villain shit You know the only one who walks out of this with any
33:06
actual credibility is John Rhys-Davies Why?
33:11
Because he holds his own and his acting is decent And he's gripping ass Oh, he's playing Scylla.
33:19
One of the greatest films of all time. Yeah, I mean, he's playing Scylla, essentially.
33:22
He's playing evil Scylla. That's disrespectful to the person.
33:27
But from the point of view of his acting, he holds his own. He's the only one
33:31
here that's actually, looks as though he's trying.
33:34
So we're in the fucking mines thing, and you got that fucking Gala Dugat,
33:39
whatever the fuck her name is.
33:40
And all she does is like a fucking jack-in-the-box.
33:44
She just pops out going, And then she goes into another hole.
33:48
I want her to shut my head. And there's fucking Mbatu, whatever his name is.
33:52
He's going to try to fucking chuck her in the fire, get her to shut up.
33:56
Then you've got the terrible scene with the roof caving in and she's, I love you.
34:02
And then you've got the scene where the Colonel shoots a Rice Davies twice,
34:08
but he's got a bulletproof vest.
34:11
Then the mind collapses on top of him, but he still fucking survives.
34:17
He's basically Connor McCloud. He's immortal because I think, yeah, it's like.
34:23
The best part, the best part.
34:26
Is Indiana Jones, right? They have these little clever traps.
34:30
The booby traps. Whoa, don't go this way because of the blah,
34:35
blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.
34:36
This one's even more clever. They just put a red dot on the stone.
34:42
They're not even trans here. You know what I mean? It's like, you know.
34:45
I know. There's just like, ah. Yeah. And this is the best.
34:48
So Richard Chamberlain and Jesse and the gag are crossing, and he's like, wait a minute. Yeah.
34:54
Don't step on the one with the red. oh okay
34:58
that's it because the people who laid these booby traps
35:01
were kind enough to put big red dots on
35:04
the on the ones that were dangerous so that yeah it's like they were trying
35:08
to booby trap people but they were also trying to be you know what i mean that
35:12
they had like a change of heart we'll put a big red mark so people will be okay
35:15
in the end you know but don't really mean to kill them you know it's it's yeah
35:19
they're not even trying here that's it they couldn't even they They couldn't
35:22
even make it that a distraction.
35:24
They couldn't write something in like we put the red dot there to mislead them.
35:28
Yeah. Something. Make this hard.
35:32
It's just lazy all around. So, you know, this is treating the audience as a
35:37
bunch of complete morons who don't think about these things,
35:40
but never mind the cast, you know, who are being treated like morons as well. It's just lazy.
35:46
So there's no excuse for it. And someone with complete competency it's his hands, like.
35:54
I'm not saying, I mean, the guy who directed it, you know, Thompson,
35:57
he obviously, you know, has a great sort of back catalogue, but here,
36:01
he doesn't care, you know.
36:03
Yeah, this is, yeah, this is If Spielberg had directed this,
36:06
it would have been something very, very different.
36:09
No, Spielberg wouldn't have. No, he wouldn't have, but if he had have.
36:12
And then you got the scene where Dugati's making the colonel eat the diamonds. Yeah.
36:18
Now they're just copying the Germans, the scene where Marathon Man,
36:23
Laurence Olivier, is being forced to eat the diamonds he stole from the people during the Holocaust.
36:29
And wow, now you're just going after everything. Oh, yeah, yeah.
36:35
It's just embarrassing.
36:37
It's hutch, hutch. And then. All sorts of stuff just thrown in.
36:40
And none of it is coherent.
36:42
It just has I know we're all sort of laughing and making jokes about it but
36:46
it's just it's incoherent and it's just a bunch of set pieces done in a slapstick
36:50
carry on manner that I'm treating the audience like they're a bunch of idiots,
36:54
you know I love a scene where,
36:57
everyone's getting out and the last one left is you know Richard Trey even the
37:02
score rips off the ND score and yeah so as he's trying to escape,
37:07
he's like oh my god yeah how am I gonna get out of this I'm surrounded by lava
37:11
What am I going to do? Yeah.
37:13
Well, luckily, there's a long stick.
37:16
Big poke. And as you know, this is fact, lava can't burn through wood.
37:23
So he sticks the stick in the lava. Yeah. With the rip-off score going on in the background.
37:28
Yeah. And he flies over, and he gets out of safety. And a big Godzilla monster
37:34
pops up very, very briefly.
37:36
And then, yeah, the end. Thank fuck.
37:39
Fuck that's right the
37:42
colonel yeah oh i love how they they fool
37:45
the colonel by putting all the diamonds give me my dad give me
37:48
the diamonds and they put all the diamonds up to hide the
37:51
red yeah yeah that's right don't tell me by the way that the diamonds and all
37:56
the jewels and stuff that i mean what did they get these pound land you know
38:00
because they don't look like diamonds obviously you know this is like just crappy
38:06
props like from a from a school play you know,
38:10
The entire, all the entire sets look like crappy props.
38:14
You know what the sets look like? You know what the sets reminded me of?
38:17
What? Shit. Right?
38:20
No, they reminded me of like, well, we're talking about Street Fighter suits, same thing.
38:26
They're shit sets. So it reminds me of something that you'd get like in the
38:33
Crystal Maze game show or in like-
38:36
Some 70s line of the lost kind of
38:40
backlot set that they used yeah just
38:43
make that that'd be the cats the minds there's the
38:46
minds again it goes enough yeah i mean
38:49
there's no matt he's not even matt done there's no
38:52
matt painting nothing i said there's nothing being incoherent and it also appeared
38:57
to be very roused i mean there were obvious problems on set as well So all of
39:02
this has just resulted in something that looks really rushed and really just
39:09
quick cash grab all around,
39:11
not just the director and the actors and stuff, but also just the film in general.
39:16
And, you know, yeah, not good.
39:19
I almost think that they shot not necessarily back-to-back both films,
39:23
but they shot both films together at the same time.
39:25
Yeah. And somebody got confused what goes with what.
39:28
Yeah, that's right. And seriously, and they edited it together.
39:32
Like, oh, let's put that one and that one.
39:34
Oh, that part's not to be in the sequel. And we'll put that one and that one.
39:35
Yeah, but I'm sure it'll work here.
39:37
Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Oh, and Big Godzilla Monster and Giant Spider.
39:41
I will keep them for later on, but we'll throw a wee bit of them in here. Yeah.
39:45
There's more creative faking behind the men who, or women, who- It sounds like hard work.
39:51
Who figure, who, there's more planning that went into trying to pee in Sharon
39:57
Stone's bath that went quietly into this film. Yeah. Yeah. It's yeah.
40:01
And then their mate he becomes the leader of the tribe instead of prune face
40:05
woman you know witchy woman and. Well he always was the leader. Yeah. Was he right?
40:09
Yes. Remember he showed them the star. That's right yes.
40:12
So come on. Sorry. Sorry. Come on man. That's a full arc.
40:16
We got a full arc and you ruined it for him. The character is in the novel and
40:20
you know the basically the earlier versions of the film.
40:24
So yeah maybe we should do a King Solomon's Mines retrospective and do them all.
40:30
And watch this again. Maybe look at it through different eyes. Appreciate it more.
40:35
Who knows? No. No, but we're probably going to have to watch the second one because this is so bad.
40:41
I can't remember the second one at all. I remember James Earl Jones vaguely.
40:45
I didn't know there was two, but yet I remember seeing them.
40:48
So for me, in my mind, I have sort of put the two of them together in the one film.
40:53
This is just called King Solomon's Minds. The second one is Alan Quatermain
40:58
and the Lost City of Gold. Yes, that's right. Yeah.
41:02
Who knows? Fuck I don't give a shit Who knows Well if you get anything from
41:09
this people Trevor likes to drink Pee bath water,
41:14
I've watched children's films With um You better quickly finish that sentence
41:20
I've watched children's films With um Genital mutilation in them And suggested
41:26
male rape What did you just say There's genital mutilation In this film I know,
41:33
but you said you like watching children's films with genital mutilation.
41:40
I know, but if you listen to it in place... Oh, yeah, that probably sounded bad.
41:44
Yeah, we're keeping that in. No, no, I mean, people in Istanbul are talking
41:47
about if they're sinking Solomon's mines.
41:49
You know what I mean? Yeah, that sounds bad. But yeah, but basically,
41:52
that's essentially what happens here.
41:55
This is a children's family film with genital mutilation.
41:59
And it's fucking nuts. nuts i think pardon the pun uh it's not pun intended
42:07
or it's lack of nuts for the german guy.
42:15
This is yeah yeah all right guys listen uh thanks for listening this piece of
42:19
shit yeah we didn't really talk much about it just don't care,
42:23
We talked enough about it. Give us a shout. Citizenframe underscore. Give us.
42:28
What? What are you interrupting me for now? I said we talked enough about it.
42:31
We're going on 45 minutes here.
42:33
Well, most of it was just about stuff. Okay.
42:38
Nothing about the film. Okay. Fuck, we got Street Fighter next.
42:43
Yeah. Oh, Jesus. A proper classic.
42:46
Oh, my God. All right. Give us a shout at Citizenframe underscore podcast.
42:51
Of course on Instagram there and then of course on Facebook if you like this
42:55
film or if you ever peed in a milk bath let us know if it does smell that bad,
43:03
and that's all I have I'll ask you Trevor if you want to say anything else no I don't yeah,
43:10
yeah because you'll say something really out of alright guys next up Street
43:17
Fighter and then that's all I have We got, oh yes, we got. Long legs.
43:24
We're heading out. I don't like doing films day of release because we got to
43:30
see the film twice and that's the way I like to work. And I think that's only fair to the film.
43:34
So I got to see how it goes, but we're going to a screening tonight of Long Legs.
43:39
Everyone's talking about it. We're saying Nicolas Cage is brilliant, blah, blah, blah.
43:46
So see how it goes And how I feel about the notes I've gotten If it's worth
43:51
reviewing right away Or we're going to put it on the back burner Until I see it again,
43:55
But hopefully that will be Coming soon but if not that's why There you go See
44:02
the stuff I do for people man You're just so dedicated I know.
44:08
That's the way I roll As dedicated as the team behind Just like that bowl of
44:13
soup As dedicated as the team behind King Solomon's Mines you know all right
44:19
we're out of here guys take care of yourselves have a good one.
44:23
Music.