Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #800 Me Time vs We Time

Transcript

#800 Me Time vs We Time · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Now, I was almost passed out on the bed. I
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  Speaker 1: don't know what you were doing. You were in another
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  Speaker 1: room to meet washing. I don't know what you were doing.
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  Speaker 3: You know how the.
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  Speaker 2: Laundry fairy just happens to have everything clean. You made
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  Speaker 2: it depressed in your cupboard. And now here's the stars
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  Speaker 2: of our show, my mom and dad.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so I don't know if I want to do
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  Speaker 1: this podcast today. I'm just going to come out and
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  Speaker 1: say it. Hello. This is doctor Justin Colston, the found
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  Speaker 1: of Happy Families dot com dot au and the parenting
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: expert on Channel nine's Parental Guidance, the hit TV show
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  Speaker 1: all about parenting styles and what makes families happy. I'm
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  Speaker 1: here with Kylie, my mom, my wife and mum to
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: our six children. Sometimes I feel like you're I'm so sorry.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I believe I said that. It's Friday, and I don't
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: know about you, but I'm kind of glad that it's Friday.
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling a little heavy. So the purpose of our
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  Speaker 1: Friday podcast is just to reflect on the week that was.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I guess share some fun stories, but mainly to work
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  Speaker 1: out how can do better tomorrow. Every Friday, our episode
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  Speaker 1: is focused on doing better tomorrow. It's called I'll Do
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  Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow for that purpose. All right, well, do you
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  Speaker 1: want to go first? You? Do you want me to?
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  Speaker 1: Is you one uplifting or not so uplifting?
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  Speaker 2: Oh?
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  Speaker 3: I don't know what you'd call this one.
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  Speaker 1: Well, mine's miserable. So I'm going to go first. Okay,
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: all right, okay, because hopefully you'll you'll have this finishing
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  Speaker 1: on a positive you know what I've got. I've got
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: a positive spin for it. But I don't know what's happened.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I'm exhausted, Like normally I'm used to being tired because
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  Speaker 1: I get up earlier, I go for my bike rides
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  Speaker 1: or whatever. But I haven't been riding my bike. I've
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  Speaker 1: been spending time running with the kids, and that's sort
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  Speaker 1: of I mean, there's momentum there and it's happening and
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  Speaker 1: the kids are the kids are doing it, but I'm
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  Speaker 1: not loving it and I'm missing exercise. But I feel
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  Speaker 1: like I'm tired as somebody who's not exercising. Then I
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  Speaker 1: used to be when I was exercising. I mean, I
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  Speaker 1: don't know. It just it's messing me up a little bit.
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  Speaker 1: But not only am I tired. This is a really
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  Speaker 1: hard thing for me to say, but I've had a
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  Speaker 1: week where the kids have been fine. There hasn't been
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  Speaker 1: any problems, there's been nothing major going on. I'm just
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  Speaker 1: tired of being a parent. I don't know if I
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  Speaker 1: can say that out loud. I don't know if it's
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  Speaker 1: acceptable to say that, especially somebody in my position, but
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  Speaker 1: I kind of just don't want a parent anymore. I
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  Speaker 1: would like the kids to look after themselves. I would
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  Speaker 1: like to not have to think about them, run them around,
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  Speaker 1: do things for them. I think I'm kind of.
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  Speaker 2: Finally catching up. I've experienced this feeling multiple time.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know if I've ever really truly been here
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  Speaker 1: before in my entire life. I love I love being
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  Speaker 1: a parent normally, and maybe that's because I haven't had
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  Speaker 1: to fully fully do it all the time. But even
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  Speaker 1: now I'm not fully doing it. I'm just kind of
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  Speaker 1: tired of it. And it's not that I want to
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  Speaker 1: be selfish. I feel like I just have so much
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  Speaker 1: to do. I'm over it again. I don't know if
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  Speaker 1: I'm supposed to say this. I don't know if this
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  Speaker 1: is just ruining my credibility as a parenting author and
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  Speaker 1: educator and whatever, but I just feel like I'm I'm
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  Speaker 1: so done with pairing now. I know I'm truly not,
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  Speaker 1: but at the moment, I just, oh, does that make sense?
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  Speaker 2: So the reality is right now, we're kind of stuck
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  Speaker 2: in a little bit of a holding pattern. We've got
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  Speaker 2: a child that has finished high school, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And she's just mooching at the Coulson motel.
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  Speaker 2: And we've got another kid and she's again just kind
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  Speaker 2: of stuck in this limbo where there's not much to do.
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  Speaker 2: Just everybody else is working and she's at home, and
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  Speaker 2: so she's kind of just taking up space. And then
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  Speaker 2: you've got three little kids who are kind of waiting
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  Speaker 2: for all of this change, anticipating it. There's anxiety around
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  Speaker 2: what it will look like too.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just the holding pattern that's
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  Speaker 1: driving me bonkers. But I guess to put a positive spinner,
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  Speaker 1: because this is about doing better tomorrow. I had an
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  Speaker 1: experience a couple of nights this week. It started on
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  Speaker 1: Tuesday night. I was almost passed out on the bed.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know what you were doing. You were in
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  Speaker 1: another room, I'd said, kind of a semi.
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  Speaker 3: Washing in case you're a one.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know what you were doing. I got no idea.
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  Speaker 1: You were just somewhere playing with clothing.
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  Speaker 2: You know how the laundry fairy just happens to have
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  Speaker 2: everything clean.
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  Speaker 3: You made it depressed in your cupboard.
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  Speaker 1: If I wasn't looking bad by saying I don't want
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  Speaker 1: a pair anymore, you just made me look really bad.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So anyway, I'm laying on the bed thinking I don't
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  Speaker 1: think I can keep my eyes open, and it's only
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  Speaker 1: seven point thirty at night, ches a potato and Emily
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  Speaker 1: came in and she said she was really tired as well,
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  Speaker 1: this little Q at eight year old. And she laid
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  Speaker 1: across my chest and just hugged me. So to love
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  Speaker 1: your dad, I'm really tired. Can I lay with you?
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  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, this is this is the
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  Speaker 1: kind of parenting. I'm ready for this.
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  Speaker 2: This is parenting where I gets to close my eyes
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  Speaker 2: and just fall asleep.
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  Speaker 1: Just hold this, kiddo. But we've been reading a book
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  Speaker 1: like one chapter a week, so bad at it. But
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  Speaker 1: I said, what about if we read some of leven
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  Speaker 1: thumps and the gateway to foo and she says yes,
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  Speaker 1: jumps up, eyes bright, looking at me. I'm like, okay,
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  Speaker 1: So the chapter is like twelve pages.
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  Speaker 3: Long, and how many times did you fall asleep?
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  Speaker 1: Free She had to wake me up three times. I'm reading,
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  Speaker 1: I'm saying words, but I'm actually asleep. But here's the thing,
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  Speaker 1: and this is the beautiful part about it. I'm saying
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  Speaker 1: that I don't want a parent anymore, but actively parenting
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  Speaker 1: rather than passively being frustrated because the kids are around.
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  Speaker 1: I felt so good. It felt so good to lay
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  Speaker 1: there and cuddle and snuggle, and it felt so good
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  Speaker 1: to read to her, and it felt so good to
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  Speaker 1: fall asleep as well. But it kind of I guess
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  Speaker 1: it's that reminder, isn't it, to.
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  Speaker 3: Wake up and have your clothes ready to go?
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  Speaker 1: I certainly appreciate that. All the time, there was just
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  Speaker 1: a I guess it's a from and I'll do better
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  Speaker 1: tomorrow point of view, A great reminder. A few times
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  Speaker 1: this week, whether it's been taking the kids down of
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  Speaker 1: the beach for a surf, or reading stories at nighttime,
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  Speaker 1: or going for that run in the morning even though
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  Speaker 1: they're a little bit wingy, and winy and I don't
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  Speaker 1: want to do it. They're the moments that have been
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  Speaker 1: really worth it. They're the moments that have been good.
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  Speaker 1: And I guess it just goes back to that whole thing.
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  Speaker 1: We say we want me time, but the joy is
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  Speaker 1: really in the WE time, the we time. So maybe
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  Speaker 1: my i'ld do better tomorrow is this weekend and next week.
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  Speaker 1: I need to focus more on WE time and be
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  Speaker 1: an active, intentional contributor to it. There's there's that question
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  Speaker 1: that I ask parents all the time. Twenty years from now,
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  Speaker 1: when you're sitting around the barbecue or the dining table
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  Speaker 1: talking to the kids about what it was like to
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  Speaker 1: be raised by you, what do you want them to say, Oh, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: Dad was always so busy. He was pretty focused on
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  Speaker 1: his own thing. Or Dad was always there to read
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  Speaker 1: a story, or go for a run, or go for
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  Speaker 1: a surf, or play in the backyard to jump on
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  Speaker 1: the trampoline. And this conversation has I feel like I'm
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  Speaker 1: doing a one ad already. I'll see how I feel tonight,
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  Speaker 1: but I feel like I'm doing one eight right now.
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  Speaker 3: For my I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: It's kind of I guess it's a little flow on
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  Speaker 2: from the things that you've shared, Oh okay, and just
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  Speaker 2: the acknowledgment that right.
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  Speaker 3: Now there's just there's a lot of.
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  Speaker 2: Movement and a lot of hold in our lives right now,
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  Speaker 2: some big changes about to take place, lots of exciting
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: things happening throughout the year, but there's also just a
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  Speaker 2: lot of emotion around that. And the other morning I
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  Speaker 2: was just kind of I'm really struggling with our daughter,
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  Speaker 2: who has Benish High School, is ready to get on
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  Speaker 2: with her life, and she is ready to fly the coup,
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  Speaker 2: but she knows that home.
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  Speaker 1: Is financially areashi, that's right, and she wants to be gone.
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  Speaker 1: She actually does, And I want her to be gone
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  Speaker 1: to but only because it's good for it.
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  Speaker 2: Because that's the next phase, Like that's actually what's supposed
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  Speaker 2: to happen, that's the natural progression of things. And being
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: kind of in this place where I'm watching her make
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  Speaker 2: decisions that aren't necessarily the ones that I would like
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  Speaker 2: to make for her, and desperately wanting to provide her
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  Speaker 2: with I guess that autonomy, supportive parenting, and allow her
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  Speaker 2: the opportunities as an adult. I mean, I don't really
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: have any say anymore. But it allow her to have
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: those opportunities and still stay close with her. And yet
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  Speaker 2: in so many ways, she doesn't actually want us to
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  Speaker 2: be a part of her space anymore. She really wants
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  Speaker 2: her independence and her space. And as a mum, as
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  Speaker 2: a parent, I don't think it really matters, but especially
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: I am struggling with that distance that's growing. And so
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  Speaker 2: the other morning I was having a conversation with our
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: eldest and just kind of just really, you know, letting
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  Speaker 2: it all out because I just there's a I guess
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  Speaker 2: there's a grieving process. We've been through it before, but
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  Speaker 2: it's kind of it's hit me again. And it doesn't matter.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it matters how many times you go
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: through it. It's all new and fresh every time you
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  Speaker 2: do it. And she said that she actually was over
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: one night while you were doing a webinar and you
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: had actually called her in to the into the office
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: while you were doing your webinar and kind of put
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: her on the spot and asked her how old she
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: was before she recognized that we'd kind of done an
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: okay job as parents, that we knew what we were
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  Speaker 2: talking about.
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  Speaker 3: Yep, And she said it took her a minute.
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  Speaker 2: Or two, but she finally realized that it wasn't until
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: she left home. It wasn't until she actually had the
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: absolute autonomy of her own space and her own life
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: and not having to answer to us for every little detail,
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  Speaker 2: that she realized just how much she appreciated the things
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: that we did for her and the values that we
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: instilled in her, And especially as she watched her friends
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: struggle with different life decisions.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: It's a long time to wait for the payoff, isn't it?
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  Speaker 3: Well, it is it is.
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  Speaker 2: I guess the short end of a long winded explanation
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  Speaker 2: is just this acknowledgment that right now I feel a
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  Speaker 2: little bit sad. I actually my heart's aching a little bit,
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  Speaker 2: but I recognize and know that this is a natural
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  Speaker 2: progression of my child actually growing up and getting on
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: with her life, which is what I've prepared her for.
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  Speaker 2: You know, this whole eighteen years is preparation for her
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  Speaker 2: to do exactly that, and at some point in time,
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  Speaker 2: hopefully it won't be too long, but at some point
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: in time, she will come to recognize and understand just
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: how much she's loved and how much we've done to
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: support her in helping her to achieve the things that
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: she wants to do. But right now she's exactly where
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: she's supposed to be, and my heart hurts a little bit,
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: but I know that it won't be forever.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: In the end of my Misconnection Book, in fact, at
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: the start of the Misconnection Book, I quote this line
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: from Mary Poppins about kids this thing that they've got
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: to do the next bit on their own, and we're
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: at that stage now. I mean, pretty cool, it's pretty
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: dink cool. But at the same time, I mean you're
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: sitting here weeping right now because there's a grief process
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: that goes along with that. As they no longer need this,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: they just saying, well, actually, I think I know more
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: than you. I think I'm ready to do it all
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: and it really, it really hurts. And yet that's why
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: we do it. Such a strange emotion, isn't it such
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: a strange emotion? Well, for me, the takeout message of
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: this is, yes, she's where she is. But if I've
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: got younger kids, I'm going to throw in a reminder,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: I think you've got nine hundred and thirty eight weekends
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: from the time they're born to the time they're eighteen,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: nine hundred and thirty eight Saturdays where you can go
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: down to the beach or go for a ride, be
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: involved in the active parenting, having those micro moments, having
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: those ice creams at the front of the Cold Rock
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: ice Creamery or Baskin Robbins, where you just get to
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: savor that moment together. That's where it happens. It's those
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: those little moments, So take advantage of them because otherwise
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: they're suddenly eighteen or nineteen and leaving home and you
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: kind of wonder where it all went and how it
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: all happened. Huh.
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  Speaker 2: I guess for us, having gone through this a number
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: of times, now I can see the end from the beginning.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: We have our eldest daughter who's gone through this process
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: and she's come back, and you know the joy that
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: we experience and the relationship that we have now. Going
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: through it for the first time, I actually thought I'd
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: lost her forever. Like it just felt like my heart
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  Speaker 2: was going to be completely smashed into smothereens and it
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: would never repair. But as she progressed and like she
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: shed in her own words, got her autonomy and her space,
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: and realized just how much we loved her, and how
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: much you know we had done to help her. She
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: gradually came back and the relationship that we share now
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: is beautiful and more than I ever thought we would
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: get to after that process of letting her go. So
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: I think for anyone out there who's about to experience
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: it or is concerned about going through that process, there
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: is definitely light.
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: At the end of the tunnel. We just have an
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: idea how long the tunnel is.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: As a bizarre side, as we wrap up this podcast,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: you just said you felt like your heart was going
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: to be smashed to smithereens, and I thought, that's such
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: a strange word, smithereens. Where did that come from? Well,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: it turns out that smithereens first appeared in English in
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: eighteen twenty nine as smittherens, and is likely to derive
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: from the Irish word smittherin or smittereeni, meaning fragment to
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: be smashed or blasted into tiny fragmentary pieces. Not that
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: we want our hearts to be smashing to smithereens, but
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: as a parent, it's almost guaranteed. Hey, we hope that
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: we have I'm sorry, I just I was fascinating. We
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: hope that you've enjoyed the podcast and it helps you
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: to be better tomorrow or even today with your kids
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: as they continue to grow and move closer and close
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: of those days where they smash your hearts to smithereens
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: move out and do the next bit on their own.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast produced by Justin rolland from Bridge Media.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Have a great weekend. Please,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: if you're enjoying the podcast, jump onto Apple Podcasts and
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: leave us a five star rating and a review. We
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: love those reviews. They helped people to find the podcast.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: Apparently through the black magic of the interwebs. It makes
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: the podcast or visible Happy families dot com if you'd
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: like more felt about making your family happier. Thanks for listening.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: Mm hm