Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 44 When Weight Gain Feels Like a Character Flaw
Transcript
- Kristina Bruce: There was a time in my life when gaining five pounds would have sent me into an emotional spiral. I was filled with fear and shame. I felt like I had failed. And losing weight felt the exact opposite. Felt like I was being good, like I could be proud of who I was. And if you've ever felt that way, you might know by now it's not actually about the number on the scale. It's about what we've been taught to make that number mean. Somewhere along the way, weight stopped. being just a number and became a measure of our worth as a human being. Today we're talking about how that happened, why food and exercise and the scale turned into some kind of moral report card, and how to finally break out of that way of thinking. Let's get into it. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful, a podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right. and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural worth, and what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. Today I want to talk about a subject that so many women in particular find themselves in, which is the way that we've come to see weight on our body and how it dictates our behavior, our sense of morality, and ultimately our sense of identity. Now it sounds like big concepts, but I'm gonna get into how it shows up in the day-to-day life. Let's be honest. In our culture, waking is not neutral. It's Almost automatically is seen as bad and losing weight is seen as positive. Of course, we have a lot of examples of how that's not always the case. We can know people who have lost a lot of weight because they were really sick or they were going through a terrible divorce. And automatically we see people complimenting them. my gosh, you look so great, you lost weight. And meanwhile, they're really unhealthy or deeply suffering. And then we see weight gain as if. Something went wrong. Like, no, they've let themselves go. And yet they could actually be healing. They could actually be feeling their better self. And when we are seeing weight this way, it really starts to impact our behavior and how we view ourselves. And not always in the best way. Because if you are afraid of gaining weight, then you are gonna not let yourself do things that you think might make you gain weight, like. Enjoying that cake on a birthday or relaxing. And instead, you might force yourself to work out or eat something that you don't actually really want to eat because, you know, it's less calories or whatever it may be. So I really want to look at how weight has become totally tied up in morality and our sense of character and who we are as a person. Because I've said this before: weight is Actually neutral. Weight gain or weight loss in and of itself doesn't mean anything about who you are as a person. It could be a result of many different things. Like I already just said, you could be sick, or for other people, finally being able to be healthy could result in weight loss. The truth is, is that we don't know. It can vary and it can vary throughout our lives. But if we believe That gaining weight means something negative about us, then we aren't actually going to be able to fully listen to our bodies, listen to our desires, and ultimately do what's healthy for us because we are so afraid of being seen or feeling like we're less than as a person, like as a human being. We have put so much on to weight. And an example that I've used before is rain. So if it's raining outside, rain is neutral. It just is. But depending on how we look at it, it will either be seen as positive or a negative. So if it's raining and you were gonna have a picnic, well, that's seen as negative. But if it's raining and the flowers really needed water, then that's a positive. If it's been raining for 10 days and it's causing flooding, that's a negative. Like you can see where this is going. Brain can be positive or negative depending on the context, but we're not judging the rain. We're not saying rain is inherently bad because it's not. It's something that just fluctuates just like our weight does. But if we keep imbuing only negative characteristics to weight, then we're in trouble. Because it's going to be holding us back from actually being able to be our healthiest and to be our most joyful self in our life. There was a video that's recently going around where they showed Barbie dolls to young kids. They showed a fatter Barbie doll and a thinner Barbie doll. And I think the kids were anywhere from around five to seven years old, and they were asking them questions about these Barbie dolls. Like, who is the one who is The healthiest, and who is a better person or who's who's more likely to be mean? And as you can imagine, the kids were pointing out the fatter Barbie with the negative characteristics and qualities, and the thinner one with positive ones. And it was just really to demonstrate how young and how early and how deeply in the collective consciousness and narrative is this idea. That fat is bad and thin is good. So just look at it. When you step on the scale and if you gain weight, and I'm talking generally, right? Let's say for the most people in a day-to-day life, you're feeling pretty well. If you step on the scale and all of a sudden you saw you gain 10 pounds, how would you feel? Most women are gonna treat that negatively. And why? Because there's something about waking that means I'm bad. Body's bad. So it could be I'm ugly, I'm not as attractive. And then deeper down it's other people are gonna see me that way. And so I'm less valuable and I'm not as worthy. And there can also then be the self-judgments. This means that I've failed, I lack discipline, I'm not good enough, I screwed up once again. Wow, like there's so much in that. And underneath it all is this feeling like I'm not good enough and I'm less than, right? Because that's how we're taught to see it. We're taught to see people who are in larger bodies, who are fat is lacking discipline, lacking control. I remember seeing this post on social media where this woman said, I eat unhealthy. I don't really care for my body, but I'm thin and nobody cares because my body size is thin. Like nobody says anything to me. But if they were to say that to somebody who was in a larger body, you could imagine the judgment that was going to come. So it it's not even the truth that it's cause and effect in that respect of what you're eating. But more so, it's these ideas of being lazy, of being undisciplined, of not caring about yourself. It's the moral judgment, the moral characteristics that we are putting on people. And then we need to look at the flip side. What's happening within this? they're disciplined, they're healthy, they care about themselves, they're so good. It turns into a good versus bad character judgment. And when we dissect it, it's just not the whole story. It's just not the full truth. But when we are afraid of being perceived that way by other people and we're judging ourselves with it. You know, we are like, I can never be seen as lazy. It's awful. Like, what a disgusting characteristic. When we can't allow ourselves to be perceived that way, or it just feels like the last thing we could ever be, then we're actually putting ourselves at a disadvantage because it may mean that we're denying ourselves what we really want. We're denying our body what it actually needs if it needs rest or it wants to enjoy a piece of cake. It's the moral judgment that we have been taught to put on this that ends up steering us off course. Quick interruption. If you're listening to this podcast, there's a good chance you spent years feeling at war with your body. Maybe you criticize how you look in photos or you fear putting on a bathing suit. Or you find yourself stuck in your head thinking about how you look instead of being present with the people that you love. I know how exhausting that is because I lived it too. And if you've ever had the thought, I should be able to figure this out on my own, you're not alone in that either. Most of the women I work with felt that way for a long time before reaching out. Body peace coaching helps you shift out of this pattern at the root so you can actually feel at ease in your body again, not just on a good day. But more consistently. This is one-to-one or small group coaching. So you're not trying to do this alone in a world that's still telling you to shrink. And if part of you feels like I'll never be able to feel okay in my body, I used to believe that too. And now I can say that's not true. So if you're ready to stop thinking about your body all day and feel more at ease in your own mind and skin, you can learn more about Body Peace Coaching in the description below and book a free Body Peace consultation to see if it's a right fit for you. All right, back to the episode. Well, I don't want to be seen this way. So therefore I'm gonna be hyper-vigilant about what I eat and then I'm gonna feel good about myself, and then I'm gonna have pride, and then I'm gonna feel safe. Because I know that people are on the whole seeing me positively and thinking well of me. But then what happens when your body changes? And this is happening a lot for women in midlife, where all of a sudden menopause hits and weight starts to come on, or they can't lose it as fast. Whoa, well, that's gonna turn into a huge deal and panic's gonna set in because of all of these different factors. I can't be seen to be gaining weight because I don't want people to think I've let myself go. I don't want to think I've let myself go. I don't want to think I'm no longer good enough or I've lost my value. So I've got to double down now and be more disciplined and restrict and control and exercise harder and take the drugs and do whatever, all so that I can avoid being seen in this negative light. And that's the problem. It's the negative light. It's not a fact that. Any of this is true about yourself just because your body changed composition or it changed its size. It doesn't mean that you're lazy. It doesn't mean that you're less valuable, but it's only because we have come to take it on this way. And when we are afraid of what other people are thinking about us, or when we have taken on those beliefs ourselves, then we're going to ultimately be trapped by it. We're going to feel like a failure. We're going to feel shameful. And then we're going to have to double down on the control. And it keeps us trapped in this cycle. The only answer that seems available when we are thinking this way is to control our body. And what most of us don't do is look at maybe we need to question what we've made all of this mean. Is it actually true that if you gain weight, you're lazy or undisciplined? I mean, if you think that, if you judge yourself that way, then you'll believe it. But if we start to dissect it, I'm gonna look at it and see, okay, maybe, but let's look what else is going on in your life. What else has changed? We give ourselves no credit for everything else that might be going on in our lives. Is work really stressful? Are you having a hard time in a relationship? Is your are your hormones changing? So many different factors are going to change our body shape, but because we've been so conditioned to believe that weight gain means something negative about us. Then we freak out about it and we blame ourselves for it. So we have to really start to look at is it actually true that weight gain is bad? And I'm not even talking about the health piece. I've gone into other episodes, particularly there's one on the BMI where I talk about weight and health, but does it really mean you're not as good as a person? And the biggest thing is if you truly want to live a life. Where you are your healthiest and in alignment with what lights you up and makes you feel good, you have to be able to let go of other people's perceptions. Because if it means that you are going to gain weight by letting go of the rigidity, by actually listening to yourself and you're afraid of what other people are going to think, you're never going to let yourself do it. So I always say that this body piece path. Is one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself because not only are you going to feel more peace in your body, but you're not going to care so much about what other people think. So you're going to end up following things that you truly want to do in your life because you're not concerned anymore about keeping up appearances or about pleasing, you know, your mother or father or whoever. It really becomes a journey. Of listening to and trusting yourself. And that's what I think so many of us deeply yearn for, but we don't allow ourselves to do it because these beliefs about what it means about me as a person, the feeling that comes up of like, I'm unsafe if somebody judges me, stops us from doing it. So I'm gonna invite you to start to ask yourself, what do I make weight gain mean? About myself. If you start to notice that there's any negativity, then that's your key to let you know that that belief is actually not true for you and is holding you back from being able to live peacefully, happily, and joyfully in a changing body throughout your life. Because if you need it to be a certain way in order to be happy, There's always going to be suffering there. This work is really uncoupling your sense of worth and identity from a changing body. Thanks for listening to Unlearning Beautiful. If this episode resonated with you, follow the show and share it with another woman who's ready to see beauty and herself in a new way. And if you feel moved, leave a rating and review. It will help the show reach more women who need to hear it. Remember, You're already everything you've been trying to become. Enough, worthy, and free. I'm Christina Bruce. Until next time.