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176. Why Saying 'It's All On Me' Might Be a Bad Idea? Unpopular Take on Codependency & Divorce Recovery · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Hi love.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: When's the last time you thought to yourself or said out loud it's all on me.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: What if I told you that that thought and the feeling that goes with it is the number one thing blocking your manifestation in your post-divorce life.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: In your post-divorce life Hi love.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Girl, this was a sentence I said for years, years and years and years, and years and years, and it is such a poisonous thought feeling combo and I cannot imagine that there is a woman going through divorce out there that has not thought and felt that phrase to the depths of her right.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: So we have to talk about it.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: In today's episode, we are going to look at the ways in which that phrase actually is causing you to avoid taking responsibilities in the way that manifestation requires right.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: To do intentional manifestation, we have to really own how we're the architect of our lives right, and when we're stuck in this, it's all on me pain loop.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: We're actually avoiding responsibility.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: We're going to unpack that.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: We're going to also talk about the ways in which you are blocking you are like literally freezing out a really powerful flow of support to yourself because of the ways you're having difficult time trusting, et cetera, and so on and so forth.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: So the ways that you're blocking your own support from being a magnet to you.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: And then, finally, we're going to talk about the hula hoop technique and how you can really use this hula hoop technique to shift out of this thought feeling pattern and start creating a really, really abundant post-divorce life.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: So when I reflect on the ways in which and the reasons behind I would say the phrase it's all on me, it's interesting to look back at it now and really see that in there I was resisting being fully accountable or fully responsible for my life and my outcomes.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: For my life and my outcomes I wanted so badly and listen, this is not just about in my first marriage or in my singleness.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I said this in this current now marriage up to and through a few years ago, this feeling was so pronounced, this idea, that I had to carry the burden, and it really demonstrated to me and I knew it when I would say it.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: I knew that it was a victim consciousness thought and I knew it had toxic emotion in it and it just was such a process of shedding it.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Homeopathy really, really helped with that and I, looking back on it now, can see how I actually still wanted to be rescued from certain things.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: Right, I still wanted to not have to solve certain problems for myself.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I wanted my spouse or my team or my kid or whomever right, to solve certain problems that I didn't want to have to solve.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Can you relate to that?
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: I know you can, but why?
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Why did I not want to solve them?
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: I love solving problems.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: In fact, it's like one of my favorite things to do.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: What else does a good codependent want to do?
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Solve some problems.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: But a good codependent loves solving other people's problems, not so much their own right.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: So why would I not want to do that?
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Well, because I think very often the problems felt bigger than I felt capable of solving.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Right, it had this very like I can't handle it vibe Like I can't on my own, you know, create this level of abundance or this level of health or this level of freedom or this level of just happiness, I don't know.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Right, like it just felt like I couldn't do it.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: And so if you are, you know, kind of studying or embracing a concept like manifestation or the law of attraction, or even spiritual concepts, even biblical concepts, or just, you know, sort of like the idea that you can create abundance in your life, if you are in the process of subscribing to any faith-based belief system, but then feeling like you can't, that creates massive internal conflict, right Like dissonance, like I am told I can do this, I am told I am equipped for this, but I feel all this resentment and anxiety and, quite frankly, I don't want the responsibility.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: And I think that is one of the things that was so freeing to me when I really started studying the law of attraction and listening to its concepts day in and day out.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Is that like, oh, I stubbed my toe, I did that.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Oh, I folded the fitted sheet perfectly, I did that too.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Oh, you know, I got in trouble at work, I did that.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: Oh, I, you know, won the lottery.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: I did that too.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: Right that everything that I am experiencing in this present moment is related to my mindset, my emotional patterns, my belief system and how I'm moving through life, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, how I'm behaving, right, my life is unfolding according to right, how negative or positive I'm feeling.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: And for those of us who are, have been or walk the path of divorce, like there is a rich history, I think, of feeling wounded, mistrust, depressed, like abandoned, betrayed, under supported, like you name it right, there's a lot of momentum around, a lot of negative emotion and negative beliefs that when you look around at the evidence in your life, it feels like, you know, gosh, there have been a lot of people who've been doing things to me right, that I have been under supported.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I, I have been betrayed, I have been let down, I have been whatever, and and we can, we can prove it right, we can connect the dots, we can say, no, these people did these things, did these things either to me or for me, but they were done.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Right, I didn't do them.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: And while that's so very true love, you still were a vibrational match.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Right, it's still what you attracted, it's still what you manifested, it still came from a wellspring of, you know, low self-esteem, low self-worth, low emotional vibration.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Right, negative beliefs.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: So many women get married so that that marriage solves a problem of loneliness, or financial insecurity, or emotional insecurity, or right, like so many things, we just we want marriage or partnership or companionship to solve our emotional problems, and we justify it and we defend it.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Right, like, oh, you know Brene Brown tells us we're hardwired for love and belonging.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: You know like, oh, look, god created, you know, people to be in union together, like that's all true, right, but it's codependent and not sustainable to build relationships on the relationship solving the wound.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: And so I think that when I started to recognize that attachment wounds lead to you know, people wanting to solve their relationship problems by getting married, for instance, or partnering, right, getting into a relationship to solve an attachment wound, that it really is like a very long, rich history of not having healed wounds, not having realized one's worth before getting into a relationship.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: And so we have to really, to really have this rich, beautiful, manifested life.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: We have to really look at which emotional wounds am I not yet willing to take responsibility for.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: And anywhere you find yourself saying it's all on me, ding, it's right there, right, there's some wound in there that you have not owned.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: But the thing that I want to point out that goes with that is the amount of anxiety you feel about needing to take responsibility, right, it feels so much bigger than you're capable of.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: And I think that that is where I would highlight in my own journey that while I've always been a woman of faith, I've also been a woman of ego.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: Those two things don't play well in the sandbox.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Right, there is, I think, especially when you have a rich history of trauma.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I think this is just a kind of human thing in general.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Ego, right, it's very childlike.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Children think the whole world revolve around them.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: And then when you have trauma at a very young age, there is an aspect of personality that gets frozen at that point in time, right when I can do it, I will, me, I and you know.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: And then we have toxic amounts of shame which make it difficult for us to face our weaknesses.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Or, you know, let people in.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: We feel vulnerable if we let people close, so it's like no, me, no, I'll do it, I'll fix it, I'll solve it, I, I, I, I, I, I, I right, but anytime we're doing this, it's all on me, I have to handle it.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Have you ever heard that phrase?
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Ego is edging God out.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: That it's kind of the denial of the intended partnership between us and an intelligent creator, right where we're co-creating our way through this whole thing called life, that we are actually spiritual beings having a physical experience.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Right, we are not primarily our physical selves, we are primarily our spiritual selves.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: Right, we are not primarily our physical selves, we are primarily our spiritual selves, and the physical world is just a way to experience it, right, an enhanced experience.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: And so anywhere we're saying this thing, it's all on me, it's like, oh right, there, I've just denied God's very real presence, god's very real intention to support me and back me, very real presence, god's very real intention to support me and back me, god's very real finger on the pulse of this and not making space for that co-creation with God.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: And I think so many of us don't realize how almost brainwashed we've become in popular culture these days, where you know we can have anything delivered from Amazon, sometimes hours, or Instacart or you know, have you ever noticed this with your kids?
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Like we didn't you stream television, right, commercials and all that, and they just can't tolerate a commercial.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: And it's like, oh, my goodness, you don't realize that so much of life.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: There weren't cell phones, there were commercials.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: You had to look things up in encyclopedias.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: You know like there Life went at a very different pace and it wasn't so gratifying.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: We had to stop at a payphone and put a quarter in.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: There were a lot of inconveniences that allowed us to be sort of less egocentric, less of I want what I want when I want it, it.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: And the more life becomes on demand like that, the more we get to believe that we should have an easy, convenient life.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: And I don't know that that's true, right.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: An easy, convenient life?
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Did you ever watch the movie WALL-E?
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: You know where everybody ends up in the little floating pool deck chairs and everybody's like a million pounds.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: And that's an easy, convenient life, right.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: And I don't know about you, but I literally pay someone to tell me to pick up heavy things and put them back down again.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: It feels horrible.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: I do not like how it feels to pick up very heavy things and put them down over and over and over again, but I literally pay someone to do that because I understand that if I don't do that, that I will not be strong, that I will not have longevity, that I will not have, you know, a strong heart, strong lungs, strong muscles, strong bones, because weightlifting actually creates stronger bones, right.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: So an easy, convenient life actually causes destruction.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: An easy, convenient life causes the destruction of our vessels.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: So life was not intended to be easy and convenient.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Now, I don't think it was intended to be suffering either.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: I don't think that's its intention, but I do think it was meant to have friction.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I do think it was meant to have contrast.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: And every time we interpret friction and contrast PS, sex is friction.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: We like that kind of friction right.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: So every time there is friction or contrast and we interpret it as something bad is happening or someone's out to get me or I don't have any control around this like we start to become victims and we start to get anxious and we start to doubt whether or not the universe has our back and whether or not we're okay and whether or not we can have what we want or we can handle it.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: And as soon as all those thoughts and beliefs start creeping in, like ooh, we are spiraling downward and you know, I don't know about you, but I would like to spiral upward just once.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I'd like to be in an upward spiral.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: And so if you are someone who experiences a good bit of anxiety, maybe you're in denial about having anxiety, but maybe you can relate to having trouble trusting people, which is the same as anxiety.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: You are blocking the flow of support from your intelligent creator, the world around you.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: Right, because the more you trust, the more you're high vibe, the more you are calling answers to you from a just vibrational place.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: When you get in the place where you positively anticipate that solutions are just going to come to you left, right and center, they start coming, they start coming.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: And when you start EFT tapping, expecting positive solutions to just flow to you, they start coming, they start coming.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: But when you repeat it's all on me, it's all on me, it's all on me, it just gets heavier and heavier and harder and you block the flow of solutions.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: Anymore, when I come up with some crazy idea which I do regularly, and my husband and my team and whomever else looks at me and they cock their head I don't know if that's really what they do, but you get the point I just say like, okay, I know I've stressed you out now, but I don't feel stressed because I know the answers and the solutions are just going to show up and that doesn't mean it's not going to have.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: Require effort.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Right, building muscle requires effort and when I am efforting it burns.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: So does it mean it's not going to burn on the way to the solution, right?
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: But generally speaking, when I'm pursuing stuff that I love and am passionate about and I am trusting that the answers and the solutions are just going to flow to me and then I'm going to enact them, like it's going to burn for a couple of sets and then guess what?
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: It's going to be fine, but the burn is going to feel good.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: You know that gym sore feeling you have like the next day and the next day and you're like you feel proud of yourself when you feel gym sore Cause you're like I'm a badass, I'm growing me some muscles, right, we don't usually like we may complain, we may whimper like you know, I've whimpered trying to get off the toilet before on squat day, right but it's like I feel proud of myself while I'm feeling that discomfort and that is very, very different from the kind of discomfort that you're experiencing right now, love You're feeling that it's all on me, pain, and you're whimpering about that because it feels like you're in a downward spiral of suffering no-transcript and anxiety and this thought that's literally killing you.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: It's all on me because it's not.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: On the one hand, it is right.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: You are the co-creator of your life and you are the only one that can control where you are on the emotional vibrational scale.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: You are the only one that can choose to transmute the pain of divorce into the power of manifestation.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: But as you're doing that, you can co-create with a very powerful and loving God.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: And so let's talk about the hula hoop technique and how useful it's been for me and how useful it can be for you.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: If you start to shift, it's all on me to ooh, it's all on me and the powerful, intelligent creator that I'm co-creating with.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: So I want you to picture.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: This is a common Al-Anon concept.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: It was very, very useful to me as I was recovering from my first marriage and divorce and I was a raging codependent who had massive control issues.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: And so the hula hoop concept is to picture yourself with a hula hoop around you, right, and that you're moving through life with this hula hoop and that everything that goes on inside the hula hoop is within your control and everything that goes on outside of the hula hoop is not within your control, right?
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: The only thing that you control is what's inside your hula hoop, and so every time you feel yourself trying to influence something outside of your hula hoop.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: Let that be a warning flag that goes off like nope, you are trying to control something that's outside of your control, right?
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: So what goes on inside your hula hoop is yours to work with, to manage, to positively affect.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: And within your hula hoop, you get to decide whether you handle it all on your own or you handle it with a loving creator, aka God, right?
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: And so when you're in your hula hoop and you're trying to handle it all on your own, you're going to feel very, very alone.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: You're going to feel it's all on me, vibes.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: And when you're inside your hula hoop and you're realizing that everything that goes on inside the hula hoop is yours to control and has been basically manifested by you and you're co-creating with a loving God who's completely, 100%, at all times, got your back, that becomes an easier ride.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: That becomes to me I'm competitive, are you competitive?
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Oh, I want to know.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Send me a DM and tell me if you're competitive or not.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: I'm to know.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Send me a DM and tell me if you're competitive or not.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I'm super competitive and I don't mind being in competition with myself, right, when I go to the gym and Colleen's like last time you did 12, I automatically want to try to get 13.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: And sometimes I can and sometimes I can't, right, but I don't mind being in competition with yesterday's self.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: And when I start to realize that everything that feels good in my life I've manifested, and everything that doesn't feel good in my life I've also manifested, then I start being in competition with myself to improve the way I am living my life.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: And when I co-create that with God and I say, okay, god, this is a massive problem and I don't know how to solve it, but I trust that together we're going to solve it, because I'm going to take responsibility for the fact that whatever dream I can dream this magical future relationship, this perfect dream job, this beautiful home that's got perfect natural lighting and a beautiful trip to Greece someday I don't know how that's going to happen, god, but I trust that you are going to guide me down the path that, as long as I am taking responsibility for what I think, what I feel and what I believe, transmute pain into power and purpose that it is going to unfold.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: And so, from now on, when you think, god, it is all on me, and I resent that and I am horribly anxious about it.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: I want you to look through your day from the lens of the hula hoop.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: How did you respond to everything that happened inside your hula hoop, the feelings that came up, the thoughts that came up, the way you responded to events that happened outside of your hula hoop?
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Did you take them to God?
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: Did you move through them with faith or trust, or pixie dust, or did you grab for what's been habitual, which is fear, anxiety, resistance, resentment and avoidance of responsibility?
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: It's so fascinating to me.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: You know this happens in my own family right when someone's feeling a big feeling and I'm like well, what tool do you want to use to transmute that feeling?
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: And they look at me blinkly, like do you want a journal?
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Do you want to tap?
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: Do you want to vagal breathe?
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: Do you want to take a walk?
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Do you want to hug?
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Do you want to tap?
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Do you want to vagal breathe?
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: Do you want to take a walk?
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: Do you want to hug?
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Do you want to eat a piece of chocolate?
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: Like, what do you want to do to transmute that feeling?
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: And I think we have to get in the habit as a community, right, love?
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: You are part of this community and I need you, as part of this community, to get in the habit of, when you feel a negative emotion, to stop justifying that negative emotion, because that is a habit that we have to justify our negative emotion Rather than say I am having a negative emotion, I need to feel it and heal it, rather than feel it and justify it.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: It's holding you back love.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: It's holding back everything beautiful you say you want and so you have to own.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: Do you really want the thing you say you want, or do you want to justify your emotion more than you actually want the other thing?
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Which do you want?
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: More resentment or grease?
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: The country, not the shit on your side of your cooktop, right?
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: Which do you want?
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: More resentment or grease?
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: And I think when you start to get clear about how many choices you make in a day that either land you in the resentment pile or the Mykonos pile, then you start to see how you are contributing to your current manifestation Contributing to like really not taking responsibility for what you're putting out in your hula hoop, right?
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: So I want you to go to Mykonos or wherever it is that you want to go, but is there any of us that don't want to go to Mykonos.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: Is that a thing Like, maybe there are other places you would prefer to go to, but we all want to go, but is there any of us that don't want to go to Mykonos?
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: Is that a thing Like, maybe there are other places you would prefer to go to, but we all want to go?
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Right, we could go together.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: We could go together to Mykonos.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: That sounds wonderful.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: All right, ps, big, big, big PS.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: Do you remember me saying that for 90 days, we are making the Post Divorce Roadmap completely free?
• 25:04
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• 25:16
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• 25:18
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• 25:23
  Speaker 1: That social media doesn't own, you know.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: It's just like a beautiful way for us to deepen our relationship, which is always what I want to do.
• 25:29
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• 25:40
  Speaker 1: So scroll down to the show notes.
• 25:42
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• 25:44
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• 25:45
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• 25:58
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• 26:05
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• 26:07
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• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Peace.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by MyCoachDawn.
• 26:22
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