Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Dads, welcome to TPP! We hear you. | Ep. 40

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Dads, welcome to TPP! We hear you. | Ep. 40 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:00
  Cheryl: Hi listeners, everybody.
• 1:02
  Cheryl: You all welcome to TPP?
• 1:04
  Cheryl: What?
• 1:05
  Christie: Yes, my ponytail holder, it just broke and that is like life for my thick red hair in the middle of summer.
• 1:12
  Christie: It's not, I'm so sad.
• 1:13
  Ellen: I know, but your hair's so beautiful there.
• 1:16
  Ellen: At least we're in air
• 1:16
  Christie: conditioning so well for now, till I step outside and it starts frizzing everywhere, such a crisis.
• 1:22
  Christie: Well at our house, all our girls having.
• 1:24
  Christie: Putting to holder is like a precious commodity.
• 1:27
  Christie: It's true to buy anything.
• 1:29
  Christie: I think you probably buy in bulk, all blah hair ties and there's a famine right now.
• 1:33
  Christie: We go through peaks and valleys, whatever the hair ties.
• 1:36
  Christie: And you should have your hidden stash.
• 1:38
  Christie: Yes.
• 1:38
  Christie: Well, I used to, but I'm running outta hiding spot.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: well, mine, we would have them around doorknobs.
• 1:46
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:46
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:47
  Cheryl: And so my kids, as they began disappearing off of door knobs all the time, they'd come in mind, start feeling all of mine.
• 1:53
  Cheryl (2): And so even though nobody lives with me anymore, I still kept few.
• 1:57
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 1:58
  Cheryl: around doorknobs
• 1:59
  Cheryl (2): Just to have em fun memory
• 2:01
  Ellen: I don't put'em on doorknobs anymore because now that I have 17 grandchildren, I use them as locks.
• 2:08
  Ellen: Oh.
• 2:08
  Ellen: So you
• 2:08
  Christie: can, my sister-in-law does this.
• 2:09
  Christie: You can stretch,
• 2:10
  Ellen: you can stretch the band.
• 2:11
  Ellen: Like if you have two little, um, you know, cabinets, knobs.
• 2:15
  Ellen: Yes.
• 2:15
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:16
  Ellen: And they, the littler kids who you don't wanna get in there, they can't get'em off.
• 2:19
  Christie: Right.
• 2:19
  Christie: So, so she also has a command hook on top of her cabinet.
• 2:24
  Christie: And then uses it to latch to the command hook from the knob.
• 2:29
  Ellen: Pretty clever.
• 2:29
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: I don't, what's
• 2:31
  Christie: a command hook, you know, like the little sticky.
• 2:33
  Christie: They're like with the scotch tape, they have the sticky back and they're like plastic hooks that you can do for hanging pictures.
• 2:39
  Christie: So she put it on her countertop and then the ponytail holder goes from the cabinet knob up to the cabinet top to so the doesn't reach it same way, but not, well, if you don't have another one to latch it to you need something.
• 2:50
  Christie: Well, we went through and
• 2:51
  Ellen: put.
• 2:51
  Ellen: For our grandkids when they were little, all those metallic locks, you know, my husband right.
• 2:55
  Ellen: Drilled them in and everything.
• 2:57
  Ellen: Well then you wind up losing the little Bob and then you find it a week, like
• 3:01
  Christie: losing the remote.
• 3:02
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:02
  Ellen: And it's a pain in the neck when you wanna get in your own
• 3:05
  Christie: cabinet.
• 3:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:07
  Ellen: Right.
• 3:07
  Ellen: So we gave
• 3:07
  Cheryl: up on that one.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: Oh, we are talking about the world's worst problems.
• 3:11
  Cheryl: Aren't oh, I know.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: I know.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: Um, but I did found, you talked about hanging picture, hanging Uhhuh.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: something I didn't know about.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: And they're either called monkey or gorilla clips and it's for hanging pictures and, you know, I've just repainted my house right.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: And so my son was gonna come over and start helping me hang things I'm oh, drilling.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:33
  Cheryl: That hurts all that.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: And he said, no, just get these because you make a tiny hole.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: Does something with the physics?
• 3:42
  Cheryl: It's, it's just this little tiny metal filament, but it's strong because it's isometric.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: That it pulls against itself.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: So you just punch it through the Sheetrock.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: And then it pushes against itself and it can hold 35, 50 pounds.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: That's like scientific decorating.
• 3:59
  Cheryl: I know and then when you don't need them, you.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Pin holes.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: I, instead of big
• 4:05
  Christie: anchors and everything.
• 4:07
  Christie: That is great to know
• 4:08
  Cheryl: about.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: So welcome to the
• 4:11
  Christie: parenting, decorating hardware, childproofing podcast,
• 4:16
  Cheryl: and speaking about world problems and issues D NA's not here because she's got COVID.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:23
  Christie: Poor thing.
• 4:23
  Christie: I know.
• 4:24
  Christie: No she's doing well, recovering, resting, but,
• 4:28
  Cheryl: but it's interesting cuz we have moved from pandemic to endemic, right?
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: And, also, I'm thankful because everybody I've known that's had it recently.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: It's been mild.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm they felt pretty miserable, but it's been
• 4:42
  Ellen: mild.
• 4:43
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:43
  Ellen: That's what they're saying.
• 4:44
  Ellen: The, the new stuff coming through is not like it was where you had to be hospitalized.
• 4:49
  Ellen: So I guess that's gonna be going around till the end of the year, at least if not
• 4:53
  Cheryl: till next year.
• 4:54
  Cheryl: And the interesting thing is I know more people right now.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: that have been exposed or haven't mm-hmm we had a family member that had it this week.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: So many people that have traveled come home.
• 5:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and they've got it.
• 5:08
  Cheryl: Just an interesting place right.
• 5:10
  Cheryl: Well, they were saying
• 5:11
  Ellen: everyone in the United States will eventually get it, whether they're super sick or not, they'll just, they're gonna get it.
• 5:16
  Ellen: Gosh, that's what the news is
• 5:18
  Christie: saying.
• 5:18
  Christie: So what we've lived through together in the last
• 5:20
  Cheryl: few years, you know, you were saying the other day, Christie talking about wish you'd gone in 2020 and taken pictures.
• 5:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:29
  Christie: I mean, we used to just go driving to get out of the house during the shutdown.
• 5:33
  Christie: And, and I remember thinking, gosh, it looks like a ghost town in our town.
• 5:37
  Christie: I wish I would've taken more pictures of all the closed streets, you know, just vacant and size vacant.
• 5:44
  Christie: And,
• 5:44
  Cheryl: but I think at that time, we didn't know, is this like, Terrible zombie movie, right?
• 5:49
  Cheryl: That that's how it
• 5:50
  Christie: felt.
• 5:50
  Christie: I mean, we driving after, you know, especially at night, it was just, it was weird.
• 5:56
  Christie: It was
• 5:56
  Cheryl: very weird.
• 5:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:57
  Cheryl: I'm really thankful to be through that, for sure.
• 6:00
  Cheryl: And, and sorry, cuz a lot of people's lives.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:04
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:04
  Cheryl: Tragically
• 6:05
  Ellen: changed.
• 6:05
  Ellen: You can't lessen the, the effects and the deaths and the, just the general tragedies and the disruption.
• 6:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm to everyone's life on one.
• 6:14
  Ellen: And now trying to get back into whatever new normal is
• 6:18
  Christie: for all of
• 6:18
  Cheryl: us.
• 6:18
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: And it is one that changed the calendar clock, right.
• 6:24
  Cheryl: That.
• 6:24
  Cheryl: 2020 mm-hmm means really something it's changed.
• 6:29
  Christie: Just I've noticed when I read an article or listen to a podcast, I will look at the date, not so much as I did maybe a year or two ago, but to see if it, especially depending on the content, but if it was before COVID or after COVID yeah, because the perpeion has changed yes.
• 6:45
  Christie: On different topics.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: Well, it's interesting because I'm, I'm listening to a book and it's.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: Detective spy type thing.
• 6:53
  Cheryl: I enjoy that level of like a John Grham type book.
• 6:57
  Cheryl: And so I've listened to a few of them and it's very interesting because this is a most recent one and they're having it happen in 2020.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: Oh, isn't it funny?
• 7:07
  Cheryl: Uh, wow.
• 7:08
  Cheryl: So it's interesting because he's writing it post 2020.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: But referring to it because it is a cultural thing.
• 7:17
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:17
  Cheryl: And the different things and.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: Mask or VAX or mm-hmm, just the characters.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, learning to deal with it and, and what they're doing it, cuz it's not a major, topic in the story, but that's the first thing I've read.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: That's been fiction.
• 7:34
  Cheryl: That's had this as a, a part of the story,
• 7:36
  Christie: you know, they talk about like the setting in some stories, becoming a character, that's kind of, kind of has the same idea to it.
• 7:43
  Christie: That COVID is kind of a character in our lives.
• 7:45
  Christie: Well, the
• 7:45
  Ellen: sci-fi I'm reading.
• 7:47
  Ellen: It's about an alien virus that came from another plane,
• 7:51
  Christie: but it just was wait sci-fi or sign Onfi.
• 7:55
  Christie: Yeah,
• 7:55
  Ellen: that was what I thought was funny.
• 7:56
  Ellen: Cuz when I picked it up to read it, I didn't realize it was gonna be about a virus.
• 8:00
  Ellen: So it ended up kind of being funny in a sci-fi way.
• 8:04
  Cheryl: Well, and you go back to old sci-fi like Andro strain.
• 8:08
  Cheryl: So many different ones, you know, and then to see them back in context, mm-hmm or the movies contagion.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: I mean, they're just different books or movies.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm, that?
• 8:18
  Cheryl: Well, that's a fear
• 8:19
  Ellen: we all have.
• 8:20
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:20
  Ellen: That you're gonna get something and then the sci-fi takes it even farther that you're gonna turn into something, right.
• 8:26
  Ellen: Because of the virus.
• 8:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:27
  Ellen: So, and how it's going to alter you.
• 8:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm
• 8:30
  Cheryl (2): We're sorry for the loss.
• 8:31
  Cheryl (2): Like we say again and thankful for where our world is in a better place with it than we were.
• 8:37
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 8:38
  Cheryl (2): So we have really exciting announcement for all of you listening to this today.
• 8:44
  Cheryl (2): One of the core values that we have here at the parenting podcast, when we first came up with it, this is what we want to be is inclusive.
• 8:53
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm you know, mm-hmm, we've always say however, you became a mom, whatever your situation is, we want to embrace you and, and to have you be a part of us.
• 9:03
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 9:03
  Cheryl (2): And.
• 9:05
  Cheryl (2): Uh, I don't know if having Dr.
• 9:07
  Cheryl (2): Kelly Stevens on has been actually a more motivator, but in the last few weeks, I've particularly had several dads either through their wives or directly to me text me and say, why do you only say moms?
• 9:20
  Cheryl (2): Oh yeah.
• 9:21
  Cheryl (2): So I go, well, we just, I didn't know that dads might be interested in what we're talking about.
• 9:27
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 9:28
  Cheryl (2): And they're not gonna be interested in everything, but yeah, they've said.
• 9:30
  Cheryl (2): I listen, and I'm not a mom, so da, da, da, da, in keeping with who we want to be.
• 9:36
  Cheryl (2): Anyway, we are now intentionally becoming the parenting podcast.
• 9:42
  Cheryl (2): And so we're not gonna just say moms, we're gonna say parents, right?
• 9:46
  Cheryl (2): Because we want to embrace dads as well.
• 9:48
  Cheryl (2): And
• 9:49
  Ellen: grandma.
• 9:50
  Ellen: And
• 9:52
  Christie: yep.
• 9:53
  Christie: Yeah, I know my daughter, Natalie's a nanny and she has asked me things with the kids that she nannies and I'll say, Hey, we have a podcast episode about that.
• 10:01
  Christie: And since two
• 10:02
  Cheryl: it's good.
• 10:02
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: Cuz our goal is how can we love these children in our care better.
• 10:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:08
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:08
  Ellen: Grandparents.
• 10:09
  Ellen: So many grandparents nowadays are raising their grandchildren.
• 10:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm or the grandchildren stay with them all day long.
• 10:15
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:15
  Ellen: Where the parents work.
• 10:16
  Ellen: So,
• 10:17
  Cheryl: or.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: If I weren't doing the parenting podcast because I have grandchildren, I didn't do everything like this with my children.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm and I want to be a better grandparent than I was parent.
• 10:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: So I would want to listen to some of this to learn to love my grandchildren better.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I have a friend who's fostering mm-hmm Yeah.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: And so she'll ask me some questions not specific to the fostering aspect, but just the caretaking loving of the children, the parenting, the parenting.
• 10:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: I'm getting
• 10:48
  Christie: a little taste of that grandparenting thing.
• 10:50
  Christie: Just in didn't wanna have my nieces and nephews around, like you said, there's so many things I wish I would've done differently that now.
• 10:57
  Christie: I get to be part of you're a cool anti yes.
• 11:00
  Christie: Because you know how to handle certain situations.
• 11:03
  Christie: You're yeah.
• 11:04
  Cheryl: so we're just telling you listeners, if you know someone who is grandparent mm-hmm or fostering or a nanny, or however, they're caring about children, right.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: Invite.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: To listen and be a part of this and let the dads, if you're married, let your husbands know.
• 11:23
  Ellen: I know my husband recommends he's a professional counselor and he will recommend our podcast.
• 11:29
  Ellen: If someone has a specific issue, they're thinking about he'll recommend it to his
• 11:33
  Cheryl: clients.
• 11:34
  Cheryl: great
• 11:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:35
  Christie: I mean, whenever you send this to the dads or other people in your life, don't send it as, Hey, you need to be a better parent.
• 11:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:42
  Christie: my kids.
• 11:42
  Christie: I used to, my kids used to say, I would prayer lecture.
• 11:45
  Christie: Like I would pray for them and I'd say, oh Lord, please help them.
• 11:49
  Christie: You know, be kind, and they'd say, mom, this is a prayer lecture.
• 11:52
  Christie: You're not really praying.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 11:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:55
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 11:56
  Christie: right?
• 11:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:56
  Christie: Be an encouragement.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Yes, too.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: Well, in celebration.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: Of this new inclusion and dads.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: I have a question from a dad.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: And so this says question.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: When my kids were little, it was easier.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: I could get down on my hands and knees and play with them or tussle and tickle and be silly.
• 12:15
  Cheryl: And now, especially as they're getting older, how do I connect with them on a regular basis?
• 12:21
  Cheryl: I feel so awkward.
• 12:23
  Cheryl: Do you have some tips?
• 12:24
  Cheryl: Do I try to play with them on their own terms?
• 12:27
  Cheryl: I don't know what to do and I don't have anybody.
• 12:30
  Cheryl: I can really ask.
• 12:31
  Christie: Good question.
• 12:32
  Christie: Yeah, that is a really good question.
• 12:33
  Christie: I know my husband has struggled with this with especially having old daughters, you know, it gets kind of awkward come teen years where they have different.
• 12:42
  Christie: Levels of comfort or ways that they wanna connect.
• 12:45
  Christie: You know, it's not like you said, the piggyback rides and tickling on the floor kind of thing anymore as they get older.
• 12:52
  Ellen: And also remember, and I think this is hard, especially for dads.
• 12:56
  Ellen: Oh, my little girls growing up.
• 12:58
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, they, I think dads kind of like to lock their children, especially their daughters, maybe in a little box, a little tighter, right.
• 13:07
  Ellen: And not realize.
• 13:08
  Ellen: She's acting that way because she is 14.
• 13:11
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:11
  Ellen: You know, and that's, that's something a dad probably needs to realize, oh, am I treating her her age?
• 13:18
  Ellen: Mm-hmm she's not my little girl anymore.
• 13:20
  Ellen: They're
• 13:20
  Christie: not interested, interested in the same thing.
• 13:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:21
  Christie: She's going.
• 13:23
  Ellen: More into womanhood than, and leaving childhood mm-hmm mm-hmm And I think as moms, we see that more on a daily basis and we're more aware of it, but I think for dads, that's just a sweet spot in their heart, especially with daughters that, oh, they are getting older and having to accept
• 13:40
  Christie: that.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: One thing I saw that bill did really.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: Um, because as the mom, so much of your life is meals and diapers mm-hmm and driving people, places, and the practical aspect, right.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Of being a parent mm-hmm And one of the things he did well is just special time.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: And would say, Hey, you wanna go?
• 14:04
  Cheryl: And whatever it was and take somebody with him, or even if it was just going to home Depot to get stuff.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: And to invite them to go because.
• 14:13
  Cheryl: I did that all the time.
• 14:15
  Cheryl: Like, you know, boy, it's special.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: Let's go to the grocery store, you know, especially when you get to go by yourself but he would invite them in.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: And, um, bill was a lot of fun naturally, but I would recommend this to any dad to carve out some margin mm-hmm and then invite one or more.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: And then when you're going.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Be in the presence with that person mm-hmm and then maybe do something kind of fun.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: You know, stop for an
• 14:45
  Ellen: ice cream or yeah.
• 14:46
  Ellen: Right.
• 14:46
  Ellen: Go to the park or whatever, even if it's only for 10 minutes doing some, but I know.
• 14:51
  Ellen: We worked it so that my husband planned special time for each child.
• 14:56
  Ellen: Wow.
• 14:57
  Ellen: But each child didn't get it every week because we had five children.
• 14:59
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:00
  Ellen: So every week when Mike and I would do our planning, meeting the child whose turn it was, they knew they called it their special time.
• 15:08
  Ellen: Mm-hmm so he would take them somewhere.
• 15:09
  Ellen: Sometimes it was just for an hour.
• 15:11
  Ellen: He was, you know, a full-time active duty military guy.
• 15:14
  Ellen: So when he could carve that hour out, that child got, sometimes they got to.
• 15:19
  Ellen: To do something.
• 15:20
  Ellen: Sometimes they just went out to eat.
• 15:22
  Ellen: Sometimes they just went to the park, but whatever it was.
• 15:25
  Ellen: And I know that he continued that pretty much.
• 15:27
  Ellen: I think through their teen years, as much as everybody was able to gets harder as they get older.
• 15:32
  Ellen: Of
• 15:32
  Christie: course.
• 15:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:33
  Christie: I would, I would say don't try to overthink it because what they're saying, it's just consistency and regularity is really what sticks in their minds and being available to them.
• 15:43
  Christie: And.
• 15:44
  Christie: Tim would do the same things where we would have one a week.
• 15:47
  Christie: He'd take one a week because you can't do four dates a week.
• 15:50
  Christie: yes, exactly.
• 15:50
  Christie: But he would do one a week and then life would happen.
• 15:53
  Christie: Things would get crazy.
• 15:54
  Christie: He would get off track and you know, months would go by and he'd say, oh gosh, I haven't been doing that lately.
• 15:58
  Christie: Mm-hmm so just pick it back up, you know, if it's something you've not ever done before, or you've gotten outta the habit, just pick it back up.
• 16:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:04
  Christie: Whatever
• 16:04
  Cheryl: it looks like.
• 16:05
  Cheryl: Well, and I'm thinking maybe someone who hasn't incorporated this intentionality mm-hmm.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: and dad, what I would say is it's okay.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: That your kids really just want to be, they just wanna be with you.
• 16:19
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:19
  Cheryl: And so you don't have to have big conversations.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you don't have to do anything.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: Just go grab something fun or there's a new burger joint or something.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: And just say, Hey, you wanna go with me?
• 16:30
  Cheryl: And it doesn't have to be big.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: but just the intentionality that I'm with you and just being in their presence.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: And then develop.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: As you're
• 16:39
  Christie: comfortable with it.
• 16:40
  Christie: And then it's, it's just natural.
• 16:41
  Christie: I mean, my girls at their ages now, almost all out of the house, it's very natural for them to hang out with their dad.
• 16:48
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:48
  Christie: Because he's made that, that intentional effort.
• 16:50
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 16:51
  Cheryl: but the, just take that first step mm-hmm and you know, my kids would
• 16:56
  Ellen: say you're not invited mom.
• 16:57
  Ellen: Yes
• 16:59
  Christie: And I would say, thank you.
• 17:00
  Christie: I'm going to not back.
• 17:01
  Christie: Exactly.
• 17:04
  Cheryl: Because there is something so special about dads mm-hmm And even if they, like, as they get older, you know, you may not be getting the feedback that you got when they're younger.
• 17:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but dad, whatever situation is as a.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: they just would love to have time with you.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: Because being with you and you're being very present with them means the world.
• 17:28
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:29
  Christie: Well, I can say, you know, I had divorced parents and so there were lots of seasons where maybe I didn't have a lot of time with my dad, like quantity of time.
• 17:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm but.
• 17:39
  Christie: There's certain little inside jokes we had or things that we would do.
• 17:44
  Christie: And, and that was very, I took that as deep affection from my dad.
• 17:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:48
  Christie: Even though it wasn't, um, always rich conversations or vulnerable moments, I felt very loved through those silly little things.
• 18:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:00
  Christie: And so any effort I think a dad makes is very powerful.
• 18:04
  Christie: That's
• 18:04
  Ellen: a really good point.
• 18:05
  Ellen: I think that's excellent.
• 18:06
  Ellen: Okay.
• 18:07
  Ellen: I had a stepdad and, um, I was not a very affectionate kid and I didn't particularly want my stepdad hugging me for whatever reason.
• 18:15
  Ellen: That was just me.
• 18:15
  Ellen: Not him.
• 18:16
  Ellen: Mm-hmm but so he just combined give me the.
• 18:19
  Ellen: No on the head or whatever it's called That was as close as I would let him come to showing me affection.
• 18:25
  Ellen: And that was just, that was on me.
• 18:26
  Ellen: he was much more affectionate to my sister cuz she, she allowed that, but I just, you know, I was 11 when he came into my life and I was sort of like, and you know,
• 18:36
  Cheryl: okay.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: But the fact that he reached out to you, did that mean something to you or was it.
• 18:42
  Cheryl: As long
• 18:43
  Ellen: as he reached out to me on my terms and think that's really cause that that's why I mention, that's why I mentioned my age.
• 18:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, my sister was a little bit younger, so she'd hop on his lap and hug him and things like that.
• 18:54
  Ellen: But I was getting closer to being, you know, junior high age and I didn't particularly want that.
• 18:59
  Ellen: So he would show his affection, you know, by rubbing doing that to my head until I finally said stop, you know?
• 19:05
  Christie: So it sounds like.
• 19:06
  Christie: He was really following your lead yes.
• 19:08
  Christie: On the signals you were sending, but he was giving as much effort as you would let him.
• 19:12
  Ellen: Yes, he was.
• 19:12
  Ellen: He was trying and you know, I didn't particularly want to be snuggled or cuddled with mm-hmm you know, by a stepdad that I hardly knew.
• 19:22
  Ellen: Right away.
• 19:22
  Ellen: So, you know, we worked it all out and you know, he was my dad, the rest of my life.
• 19:26
  Ellen: And we were affectionate as adults.
• 19:29
  Ellen: You know, I always hugged him and, you know, he put his arm around me and things like that.
• 19:33
  Ellen: So we worked through it.
• 19:34
  Ellen: But in those early years it was just a little awkward, cuz I wasn't used to having a step.
• 19:39
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: I think that's really good advice for what the dad's asking, saying.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, they're too old for me to roll around the floor.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: Like we used to.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: So that, what you're saying is listen to the lead of what your children are doing.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: But stay in there.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: I know to say dads, they're not saying, got out of my life.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: Even if the words come across their mouth.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: Yes, yes.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: Don't listen to it.
• 20:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:03
  Cheryl: They desperately want a relationship with you.
• 20:06
  Cheryl: No matter how they're acting.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: I mean, Ellen's a good example.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: She drew the boundaries.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: But your stepdad continued yeah.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: To stay there.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: And you.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: You eventually got over your mess?
• 20:19
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:20
  Cheryl: Where you could have a relationship and still all
• 20:21
  Christie: these years later, it was impactful enough that you're still remembering that.
• 20:25
  Ellen: Yes.
• 20:25
  Ellen: And I feel very loving and affectionate towards my stepdad.
• 20:28
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, and he did the best.
• 20:29
  Ellen: He knew how to do, I mean, being a step parent's just hard.
• 20:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:33
  Ellen: And so, you know, um, and I was definitely a hard child's parent, so that goes.
• 20:39
  Ellen: Saying for people that know me, but I know my husband has remained really affectionate with his daughters.
• 20:44
  Ellen: They're all adults now and grown and he stays that way with the grandchildren, the grand girls, you know, just being, you know, being affectionate so that it's a natural, comfortable thing.
• 20:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm
• 20:54
  Christie: so we're saying respect their boundaries, but don't abandon ship.
• 20:58
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:59
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:59
  Christie: Keep pursuing.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's really good.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: Um, you know, Christy, you're talking about.
• 21:04
  Cheryl: connection is really what we all want.
• 21:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, and so I liked, you talked about like the inside jokes.
• 21:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:13
  Cheryl: Well, people who are gurus about relationships and communication what makes you connected
• 21:19
  Cheryl (2): shared humor
• 21:20
  Cheryl: Is.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Almost top tier mm-hmm And so they actually say an inside joke is one of the most connecting things that there You think about when
• 21:31
  Ellen: you're a kid and you had your best friend, you always had these little inside jokes and that you might be walking down the street and you know, the same thing, you're both cracking up and everybody else is looking at you.
• 21:41
  Ellen: Like, what is wrong
• 21:42
  Christie: with you?
• 21:42
  Christie: Well, I will give you an example and I'll try not to get teary when I say it.
• 21:47
  Christie: So when I was in middle school, I would take ceramic painting classes.
• 21:50
  Christie: Mm-hmm I loved the Southwest theme in my bedroom and I, I was living my dad at the time and I painted this little coyote that was used as a door stop.
• 21:58
  Christie: So every night my dad would tell me goodnight, and he'd say, and night coyote and, and just jokingly say night Cote to this ceramic coyote.
• 22:07
  Christie: I don't know why it was just silly.
• 22:09
  Christie: So I was 11, 12 years old, fast forward to, you know, he passed away in April.
• 22:15
  Christie: And in the last month of his life, I stayed a lot of nights there.
• 22:19
  Christie: And the first night I stayed the night there, he came in to tell me good night.
• 22:24
  Christie: And, and he said, night coyote.
• 22:26
  Christie: And he wasn't remembering everything very clearly at the time.
• 22:30
  Christie: But like you said, the, that linger there inside joke, stuck with him.
• 22:35
  Christie: I mean, that.
• 22:36
  Christie: That was your 20, 30 years later.
• 22:38
  Christie: Wow.
• 22:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:39
  Christie: So it really is those silly, silly little things that can be so meaningful.
• 22:43
  Christie: Wow.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: Christy.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: Well, you know, they say dad, jokes, bad dad, jokes, Uhhuh.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: actually dads.
• 22:50
  Cheryl: They really enjoy the bad dad jokes.
• 22:52
  Cheryl: Yes, yes, yes.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: Not the ones maybe that have a kind of a jab to'em at all.
• 22:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:58
  Cheryl: But just the bad dad jokes.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: They're stupid.
• 23:02
  Cheryl: But there's a reason why everybody shares and talks about'em mm-hmm because everybody wants to be connected to their father
• 23:11
  Christie: like that.
• 23:11
  Christie: Um, well, I have an example of the.
• 23:13
  Christie: Bad dad jokes.
• 23:14
  Christie: so my husband texts, cuz you know, teenagers, you text a lot to connect.
• 23:19
  Christie: So he texts one of our girls, a bad dad joke of the, of the week or day.
• 23:24
  Christie: I don't remember how often he does it.
• 23:26
  Christie: Well then some of the other girls I think were getting kind of jealous, so he didn't wanna do the same thing.
• 23:31
  Christie: So he, he did random emoji.
• 23:33
  Christie: Of the day So one of the girls gets random emoji of the day.
• 23:36
  Christie: One of'em gets bad dad joke of the day or week or whatever it's and then another one loves music.
• 23:42
  Christie: And my husband loves like nineties grunge music.
• 23:45
  Christie: Cause we're, you know, nineties kids.
• 23:47
  Christie: And so he sends a Spotify link or a nineties grunge song of the day that's so cute or week.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: HERE IS SOME LAUGHTER AND WORD
• 23:57
  Christie: And so, yeah.
• 23:58
  Christie: Silly little things like that.
• 23:59
  Christie: That can be connection that even if time is limited.
• 24:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:03
  Christie: And when kids are old,
• 24:04
  Ellen: they'll just chuckle.
• 24:05
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:05
  Ellen: Remembering these fun things that their dad did
• 24:07
  Cheryl: for'em.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: And depending on the age of your children, they might really roll their eyes at you, right?
• 24:13
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:13
  Cheryl: And say, oh dad, oh, dad means, oh, mm-hmm yeah.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: You care.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: And their hearts are connected.
• 24:22
  Cheryl: And so.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Keep it up.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Dad's this is great.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:26
  Cheryl: So here we are.
• 24:27
  Cheryl: We've run out of time again.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: and I'm really excited.
• 24:31
  Cheryl: Like we mentioned, all your listeners who are moms that are married, tell your husbands yeah.
• 24:37
  Cheryl: Share with them that we're trying to
• 24:39
  Cheryl (2): intentionally
• 24:39
  Cheryl: broaden our inclusion and we could use some questions.
• 24:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so even if they don't text it to us, moms, would you get us their questions?
• 24:48
  Cheryl: We would love to hear from them Yeah, that's good.
• 24:50
  Cheryl: And the same with anyone.
• 24:52
  Cheryl: You know, it can be grandparents
• 24:55
  Ellen: mm-hmm aunts and uncles, caregivers.
• 24:56
  Ellen: Like we talked about mm-hmm anybody that's out there that has some parenting questions that we can talk
• 25:01
  Cheryl: about.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: Yes So everybody however, you became a parent, remember hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.