Latest / Beautifully Complex / 306: What Do You Do With the Mad that You Feel?

Transcript

306: What Do You Do With the Mad that You Feel? · Beautifully Complex

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: If you help them process emotion, there will not be
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: a need to try to control behavior. They will be
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: so much better at processing emotion, processing how they're feeling,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: getting through hard things, so that they don't have such
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: big attempts emotions so often. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: a parenting coach, author and mindset mama, honored to guide
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: you on the journey of raising your a typical kid.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Let's get started. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. Today. I
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: want to talk to you about anger and my inspiration
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: from mister Rogers and why I was inspired to talk
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: to you about this right now, and really how we
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: can go about helping our kids with anger in a
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: compassionate way, and how we can help them to understand
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: that anger is a natural emotion and they are safe
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: when they feel angry, which sometimes kids don't feel. So
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: we're going to talk about this quote that I remember
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: from mister Rogers because I'm old enough to have grown
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: up watching mister Rogers. He was one of my absolute
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: favorite shows as a kid. I really felt a connection
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: with him. I really felt like he was talking to me,
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: and he was, but it felt so personal and so
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: accepting and loving, and it just made me feel really
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: good to watch mister Rogers. And I was re listening
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: to a podcast about Fred Rogers called Finding Fred This Week,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: and I listened to it a few years ago when
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: it came out. It is wonderful. I highly recommend it.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: It is an amazing podcast, all about the time in
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: which he was teaching these things, how and why he
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: was teaching kids, and just about the wonderfulness really that
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: is mister Rogers. But he reminded me of this thing
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: that mister Rogers said, which was what do you do
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: with the mad that you feel? What do you do
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: with the mad that you feel? We don't even think
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: about this normally, right, We don't even consider what we
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: do with anger. We don't get intentional with that emotion.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: But we really need to, because if we can sit
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: back and say, Okay, I'm angry, this is why, this
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: is what's happening. What can I do? That's so much
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: more of a healthy way to go forward than to
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: be angry and then be shameful about it. So often
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: in our culture we have this bucket of negative emotions
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: and a bucket of positive emotions, and there are no
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: such buckets. All emotions are human and natural. It is
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: okay to be angry. It's not okay to hurt somebody
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: when you're angry, but it is okay to be angry,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: it is okay to be sad. These are natural emotions
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: and they are part of life for everyone. So we
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: have to start reframing it from don't be mad, don't
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: be angry, to what can you do when you feel mad?
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: What can you do when you feel angry? For neurodiversion kids,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: they often feel emotions more intensely and they're struggling with
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: that impulse control, and so really getting clear on being
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: mindful about what you do with the feeling is so
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: important because often it will just run away with them
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: and from them if we don't teach them how to
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: sit with it. And so often our neudiversient kids are avoids.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: They avoid discomfort at all costs, and when we do that,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: we are not dealing with the feeling. We're not dealing
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: with the emotion. We are just trying to put it
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: away and hope that we don't have to feel it
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: or deal with it, and that is not useful. So
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: when he asks what do you do with the mad
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: that you feel, it's bringing that up for them. It's
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: making them aware that they can choose to do something
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: with it, and that there are other things that it
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: is okay to be mad. We can understand anger better
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: when we think about the nervous system. Anger is really
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: a fight response. In our autonomic nervous system. You know,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: we have fight, fight freeze, and then we have common
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: regulated right, and that fight response sometimes comes out as anger.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: If I am pushing at you with all of this
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: volatile anger, you might back up, you might not keep
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: coming at me, you might stop. I might be able
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: to stop this thing that I don't like if that happens.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: But it's not really a thought process like that, right,
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: because it's our autonomic nervous system autonomic, it's automatic, instinctual, primal.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: It's just happening as a self protective, biological response. And
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: it's important to understand that both you as the adult
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: and our kids need to understand it. It's not bad,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: it's not wrong. It's happening because their body feels like
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: it is not safe. We have different ways of processing
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: our emotions in different parts of our brain. Right, that
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: survival brain might really be taking over when that anger
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: comes out as a fight response, or the emotional brain,
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: or sometimes it's the emotional and the survival brain together
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: that are getting really flooded. But what happens when that
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: comes about is that the thinking brain, the access to
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: that thinking brain is either dim or completely offline altogether.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: So when we have say this mad that we're feeling,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: and it's coming from that survival brain because our nervous
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: system has been triggered and we don't feel safe, then
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: our instinctual, primal responses are happening. We're maybe fighting right
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: because we're mad. We're sending that anger out in the
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: world and it feels like it's protective. But we can't
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: reason in that moment. We can't process language and be
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: logical because the survival brains the emotional brain, have taken
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: over and we can't get to the thinking brain. That
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: is so monumentally important. When you're dealing with an angry kid,
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: you have to understand that you can't talk them out
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: of it, and if you try, you're only going to
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: escalate it. Remember, we want to coregulate, not co escalate.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: Regulation is not about control. Let me say that again.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Regulation is not about control. It's about supporting the nervous
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: system to get restored and recovered back to a sense
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: of safety. And it has to feel safe again. Not
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: you know, logically knowing that I'm safe, but my body
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: and my system have to feel safe again. That is crucial.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: So regulation isn't about saying, don't be mad, that's not
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: a good emotion. It's about helping our kids recognize it,
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: recognizing the signals from their body, and showing up in
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: a way that is going to help them to regulate,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: not increase their disregulation. How we respond to mad feelings
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: teaches kids what to do with their mad feelings. Folks,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: did you hear that how we respond to our kids
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: mad to their anger teaches them how to respond to
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: their own mad and their own anger. I want you
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: to make some pivots in the language that you're using
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: and the way you're reacting when your kid is mad
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: or angry. So instead of saying calm down, which let's
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: face it is invalidating and patronizing when someone is going
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: through something, we don't want to say calm down. We
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: definitely don't want to say that's not a big deal.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: You're making too big of a deal out of this.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: You're acting like a baby. You need to stop yelling.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: All of those things are trying to control the kid's
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: behavior and emotions. It's not helpful. Instead, I want you
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: to try saying things like, I see how big that feels.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: That mad that you're feeling, it feels really big. I'm
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: here with you, let's figure this out together. Or maybe
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: your body's showing me how upset you are. I can
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: see it. We want to regulate, not reprimand we want connection,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: not control. Connection over correction, always, always, always, unless your
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: kid is in physical danger like running out into traffic,
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I want you to prioritize connection, not correction. There are
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: so many ways to teach our kids how to manage
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: their feelings and emotions in healthy ways, how to deal
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: with them instead of trying to put them away or
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: stuff them down. We can do different activities with them
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: like a body scan, breathing and mindfulness exercise. We can
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: talk to them about their emotional thermometer and what they
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: can do to bring their temperature down. And we can
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: also really lean into some radical acceptance because all feelings
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: are natural. Your kid is going to get mad. Sometimes
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: they're going to get angry. Sometimes they're going to act
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: it out, they are going to spew it all over
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: you and others. Until they have the self regulation and
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: these skills to be able to get through that mad
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: that they feel, to be purposeful about what they're going
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: to do with the mad that they feel. You can
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: do some practices around interception, which is that sense of
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: how our body feels, the sense when we're hungry, when
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: we're tired, when we're nervous or anxious, when we're fearful,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: when we're over excited or under excited. All of those
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: things come from that sense of interception, and it's really
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: important to help our kids build that sense. And a
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: lot of kids, especially kids on the spectrum, have a
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: really hard time with either noticing those body sensations or
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: interpreting them. So there are so many activities that you
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: can do, like drawing what anger feels like inside. Have
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: your kid just sit down and draw what it feels
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: like to them when they're mad, working on different textures
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: like guessing textures, blindfold them and have them do a
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: feeling sensory game. Check in on how their body feels.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Say when they get up in the morning, ask them,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: how is your body feeling this morning? Maybe your stomach's
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: growling and you're hungry. Maybe you didn't get enough rest
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: and your eyelids still feel really heavy and they really
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: want to close. Having conversations about this builds awareness, and
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: then you're building skills by doing different exercises and activities
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: with your kid. I have many, many more in the
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Regulated Kids Project because the Regular Kids Project membership is
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: all about helping to build regulation and emotional intelligence in
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: our kids. It's full of exercises, activities, reflections, parent worksheets
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: that help you to help your kids build these skills,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: the emotional literacy and the self awareness that are crucial
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: for success and happiness as an adult. Speaking of success,
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I want to make sure that we are redefining what
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: success looks like around anger, around the feeling of mad.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: Success isn't that your kids stopped yelling. It isn't that
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: your kids stopped being mad. It isn't that they stopped
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: throwing things, or stop breaking things, or stop saying ugly
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: things and calling you names. Success is that they named
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: their emotion, that they took a break and got themselves
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: some quiet time for regulating, that they let you help them,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: that they stayed in the room for some coregulation, that
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: they felt safe enough with you to feel their anger
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: to sit in the fire and get through it. That
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: is what success looks like around anger. It is not
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: that your kids stopped being angry, that your kids stopped
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: acting out their anger. It is that they were able
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: to process it and manage it in a way that
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: was healthy for them and those around them, and in
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: a way that was affirming to how they felt. It
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: validated how they felt because that anger is real for them.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: It is very real for them. Whether you feel like
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: it was justified or you know appropriate for the situation,
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter here. Success is how they work through it
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: and how they manage it, and how they communicate it.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: And that is super important. Celebrate small wins and really
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: build a family culture where mad is being human, where
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: sad is being human, where all emotions are part of
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: natural human experience. I also want you to know that
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: when your kid gets angry, you're not failing them. Again,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: this is a natural human emotion. It is a thing
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: that happens for all of us. An angry child. A
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: sad child is not a failed parent. You're growing a
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: skill set that adults don't learn until much later, if
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: at all, I wasn't taught how to be a parent.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I wasn't taught how to manage my emotions. I wasn't
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: taught about regulation. I didn't learn about regulation until my
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: kids were young teens, like, this is something that we
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: are going to be able to change the trajectory for
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: our kids by focusing on regulation and emotional intelligence, focusing
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: on how real the human experience is, and not trying
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: to control what success looks like, what happiness looks like,
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: what behavior your kid has. If you help them process emotion,
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: there will not be a need to try to control behavior.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: They will be so much better at processing emotion, processing
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: how they're feeling, getting through hard things, so that they
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: don't have such big attenpt emotion and so often so
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: think about asking your kid this question. You can be
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: the adult in their life without mister Rogers and ask them,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: what can you do with the mad that you feel?
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: What do you do with the mad that you feel?
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: Help them learn how to process the emotion and how
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: to be kind to themselves when they do get angry,
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: because that is a really key piece of this too.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: When we have shame and blame, we have deteriorating mental health,
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: and that is not what we want for our kids.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: So have this conversation, not when your kids angry. People
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: do not have this conversation when your kids mad. Have
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: this conversation and everybody's feeling great. Just one day, when
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: you're hanging out, what do you do with the mad
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: that you feel? And be willing and open to answer
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: that question honestly for your kid as well, let them
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: ask you what you do with the mad that you feel.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Because we are still learning how to process our emotions,
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: how to get regulated, how to manage the ups and
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: downs of life with resilience. I encourage you to check
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: out the Regulated Kids Project if you have any interest. There,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: Every month I add more and more activities and exercises
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: to help your kids build emotional intelligence, regulation, awareness of
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: how they are feeling so that they can have that
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: self regulation. It is the key to challenging behavior, challenging
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: big emotions struggles that our neurodivergent kids are going through.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: This is how we set them up for success. We
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: build a solid foundation of regulation and emotional intelligence, so
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: next time you or your kid feels like you've got
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: the fire building up in you right the rage is building,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: take a breath and ask them to remember what they
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: said when you ask them, what do we do with
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: the mad that you feel? What are you going to
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: do with the mad that you feel? And when you
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: have a plan before things spiral like that, it is
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: so much easier to be in control of what you
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: actually do with it. I hope that this has really
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: helped you to think more about guiding our kids through
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: the emotions that they're having and how all emotions are
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: part of the human experience. I will see you next time.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Take really good care. Thanks for joining me on the
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: and share, and don't forget to check out my online
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: courses and parent coaching at PARENTINGADHD and Autism dot com
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: and at The Behavior Revolution dot com.