Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #327 Gold Medal Parenting

Transcript

#327 Gold Medal Parenting · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 4: I think as parents, what matters most is that we
• 0:13
  Speaker 4: say to our child, Okay, you're saying you don't want
• 0:15
  Speaker 4: to compete, or you're saying you want to quit, but
• 0:17
  Speaker 4: we're seeing all of this potential.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: What do you want to do with this?
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: and dad.
• 0:26
  Speaker 4: Well, the Olympics are over. I wish we could play
• 0:28
  Speaker 4: highlights from the Olympics. It's been so inspiring to watch
• 0:31
  Speaker 4: sports people doing amazing things, and there's too many protections
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: around the commercial rights of who can play what, so
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  Speaker 4: we can't play you any highlights on the podcast about
• 0:39
  Speaker 4: the Olympics. Hi, I'm justin by the way. I'm here
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: with Kylie. We're the parents of six kids. I'm the
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: founder of Happy Families dot com, dot you, and the
• 0:44
  Speaker 4: author of six books about raising happy families. Everyone's been
• 0:47
  Speaker 4: so sports focused. How have you enjoyed the Olympics? Missus
• 0:49
  Speaker 4: Happy Families.
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  Speaker 2: You're hilarious. Anybody who knows me knows that I am
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: not particularly sport driven at all, but a few times
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: I've found myself down in the TV room with you,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: every time that I could spend some time with you, every.
• 1:03
  Speaker 4: Time you walked into the living room, like, oh, Kylie's
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: come to watch the Olympics, Like I need to photograph
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: and frame this moment.
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  Speaker 2: But one event I just loved was the rock climbing.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Oh yes, that was.
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  Speaker 2: Like Spider Man.
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  Speaker 1: It was incredible, wasn't it.
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  Speaker 2: In five and a half seconds they had scaled four stories.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: It's like they're literally running up these walls. The strength,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: the oh wow, and.
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  Speaker 2: The difference between those who scaled it quickly and then
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: a minute slip and that cost them three, four or
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: five seconds.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, cost them a place costomer Metal. Those rock climbs.
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  Speaker 4: That's a brand new sport at the Olympics.
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  Speaker 1: I loved, you know.
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  Speaker 4: What I was also I thought about was just there's
• 1:43
  Speaker 4: all of these I guess you'd call them fringe sports.
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  Speaker 4: There are a couple of big sports like soccer and basketball,
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  Speaker 4: and there's these global sports, but a lot of the
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: sports that you see at the Olympics, like how many
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: people really go and lift weight? How many people are
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: really out there doing high level gymnastics or are even surfing?
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: I know a lot of people surf but competitively surfing
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: or bmx A skateboarding, And yet the Olympics brings it
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: all together and we see this incredible celebration of sporting
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  Speaker 4: and athletic excellence, the ping pong.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I did see a headline that a thirteen year old
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: won the skateboarding. Yeah, skateboarding, Like when did skateboarding become
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  Speaker 2: an Olympic thing?
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  Speaker 1: Just become on this this Olympic.
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  Speaker 2: I don't believe thirteen years of age, but.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: It's such a spectacle.
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: You didn't mention how much you enjoyed sitting beside me
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: watching the cyclists on the velodrome.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: My honey, that's the only reason I even have snippets
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: of the Olympics to watch. It was just so I
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: could be next to you.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Yes, so did you enjoy the cycling?
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  Speaker 2: Sure?
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  Speaker 1: That is so harsh.
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  Speaker 4: What about what about when the men's pursuit cyclists came
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  Speaker 4: when he was handed by it hurts seventy selimeters and
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  Speaker 4: nowur face planning on the velodrome nose lips chinned.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: I mean these guys they're literally riding at like seventy
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  Speaker 2: k's an hour. They not even looking where they're going.
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  Speaker 1: Extraordinary they're looking down.
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  Speaker 2: At the ground and there's four of them and they've
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: got like ten centimeters between each of them.
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  Speaker 1: Anything else sane? It is? Anything else stand out here
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  Speaker 1: from the Olympics.
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  Speaker 2: Before we move on, there's a couple of things going
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  Speaker 2: around on Facebook which have really grabbed my attention. The
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: first one was pink offering to pay a fine for
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  Speaker 2: the Norwegian beach handball team right because they didn't wear
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  Speaker 2: the uniform designated uniform. Do you know what the designated
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  Speaker 2: uniform is?
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  Speaker 1: They've got a web bikini bottoms.
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  Speaker 2: They have to wear bikini bottoms. Can I read to
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  Speaker 2: you what is in the rule book?
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  Speaker 1: Sure? I've been, really I have.
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  Speaker 2: I was riding about this International Handball Federation rules state
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  Speaker 2: female athletes must wear bikini bottoms and that these must
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  Speaker 2: have a close fit be cut on an upward angle.
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  Speaker 1: Nobody wants to have a baggie fit with a bikini.
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  Speaker 1: Let's be honest.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the cut needs to be on an upward angle
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  Speaker 2: towards the top of the leg and the side depth
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  Speaker 2: of no more than ten centimeters.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, they're the rules, that are the official That is the.
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  Speaker 2: Official rules, and one of the posts, but a friend
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: actually posted and it's really highlighted to me just how
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to.
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  Speaker 1: Use the word sexist.
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  Speaker 2: This is the difference in the uniforms that males and
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  Speaker 2: females wear for the same sports. Yeah, yeah, is incredible.
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  Speaker 1: It's funny you say that.
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  Speaker 4: I noticed the gymnastics, Like, the men are up there
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  Speaker 4: and they're wearing it's almost like track pants, but they're
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: not tracksuit pants, but there's something like that. They're wearing
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  Speaker 4: a single at top and then these long trackie decks
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  Speaker 4: sort of looking things. I think they're a bit tighter
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  Speaker 4: than tracksuit pants, but they're not.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: They're not. They're not leotards that show a whole lot.
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  Speaker 2: But the volleyball team women, yea, like those things go
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  Speaker 2: up their bums.
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  Speaker 1: Have we talked to our kids about this? Have you
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  Speaker 1: had a conversation at this point?
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  Speaker 4: I reckon this is a conversation we need to have
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  Speaker 4: with our girls around the dinner table, around the unequal
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  Speaker 4: expectations of males versus females, just in terms of what
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: they wear when they're playing sport.
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  Speaker 2: These handball players, they just were wearing black pants are
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: still ridiculously fitted. Yeah, yeah, but they didn't want their
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  Speaker 2: bums hanging out. They got fined, caught, and they got fined.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: And the article that kind of brought it to the
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  Speaker 2: floor had pictures of men and women doing the same
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  Speaker 2: sports and just the clothing that they were wearing. And
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: it was a male who wrote it. And he just
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  Speaker 2: acknowledged that he has never done any of his best
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  Speaker 2: work with a wedgie.
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  Speaker 4: I've never done the best work of my life while
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: I've been wearing bikini bottoms.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: Yes, parispidos, that's right.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: But he made some really good points, and he said
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: it would seem cheaper to supply women volleyball players with
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: adult sized shorts rather than refill the sandpit each morning,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: because we all know where most of that sand ends up.
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  Speaker 2: Like unbelievable, I think you know. And he goes on
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  Speaker 2: and he just talks about the fact that the rule
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  Speaker 2: books enforced women to wear next to nothing is because
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  Speaker 2: their sports aren't as entertaining as a man's. That it's
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: not enough to see a woman excel without her having
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: to show her body to keep everybody entertained.
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  Speaker 1: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: Wow, And he just said, when has a skill that's
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: better than yours not been enough to keep you wanting
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: to see more?
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  Speaker 4: Well, we will post the link to that article in
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  Speaker 4: our show notes, and anyone who has kids, male or female,
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: who are old enough for a conversation about the differences
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: between guys and girls and expectations that society puts on them,
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: we will share that link. And I reckon that's going
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: to provoke some really interesting conversations in living rooms and
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: kitchens over the next couple of nights for families around
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  Speaker 4: Australia and wherever it is that you're listening to the podcasts.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: I just want to salute the Norwegian team. I just
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: think it's wonderful that they were willing to just stand
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  Speaker 2: up for what they felt was right.
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  Speaker 4: I can't believe that they got fined in twenty twenty one.
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  Speaker 4: Unbelievable and that the rules exist.
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  Speaker 1: That's phenomenal.
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  Speaker 4: This is not what we were supposed to be talking
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  Speaker 4: about today, but you've taken us on this really important conversation.
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  Speaker 4: When we come back after the break, we're going to
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: have a chat with you about the idea that we
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: should be pushing our kids to excel because the Olympics
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  Speaker 4: have kind of created this momentum and motivation, as they
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: always do for so many families.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: You know, you're really good at this or you're really.
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  Speaker 4: Inspired by that, Let's get you involved, Let's get you
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  Speaker 4: going with sport. We'll talk about how parents can get
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: the balance right with their kids and their sporting adventures
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: and aspirations.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: In just a second, it's their Happy Families.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: Podcap for a happier family. Try a Happy Families membership,
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: because a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: families dot com dot au.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now. And we have
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: been talking about some of the highlights and not so
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: good things that have come out of the Olympic.
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  Speaker 4: You've just turned it from a highlights conversation into a rant,
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  Speaker 4: really bet, a well deserved and completely justifiable rant, really
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  Speaker 4: important conversation.
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  Speaker 1: I'm excited to talk about that with our kids.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: Well, we've obviously talked about some of the things that
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: have come out of the Olympics, but I think that
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  Speaker 2: is really important that we talk about, you know, parents
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  Speaker 2: in general and what they have gone through to help
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  Speaker 2: their children get to where they are.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, the athletes are extraordinary, but the families that are
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  Speaker 1: behind them so.
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  Speaker 2: Much sacrifice, it's not just the person that you see
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  Speaker 2: on the screen that has sacrificed. There is so much
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  Speaker 2: going on behind, and parents of athletes have given sometimes
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  Speaker 2: their entire lives so much.
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  Speaker 1: So much of what you're saying reminds me.
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  Speaker 4: I'm going to just google it now and see if
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  Speaker 4: I can find it. Just before the Olympics, Ash BARTI.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that was that great tribute that she gave to
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  Speaker 2: After Wimbledon.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, Jolena Dokitch was in commentary and she talked about
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  Speaker 4: so the context here. Jolena Dokich ended up being the
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  Speaker 4: number four women's tennis player in the world, millions of
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  Speaker 4: dollars in prize money, tremendously successful, but on the sidelines
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  Speaker 4: at every event she had a man. I think I
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: think that I can safely say he was abusive. Her dad,
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: Dmir Dokitch, was so volatile, so angry, so abusive and aggressive,
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  Speaker 4: and it had to play a tremendous impact on her
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  Speaker 4: subsequent retirement from tennis and her mental health.
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  Speaker 1: But she's been known to have.
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  Speaker 4: Had tremendous challenges all kinds of ways that seemed to
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: go back to the way her dad pushed her and
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  Speaker 4: pushed her and pushed her and pushed her for excellence
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  Speaker 4: so that she could be the best in the world.
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: And after Wimbledon and I've got it just here, Yolanda
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  Speaker 4: Dookitch made this beautiful tribute to ash Barty's family after
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: Barty's success on the court.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Now, I just want to.
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  Speaker 5: Get this out before I fall apart, so give me
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  Speaker 5: fifteen seconds. I want to give a shout out to
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  Speaker 5: her parents.
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  Speaker 2: Obviously Robert and Josey.
• 9:26
  Speaker 5: Because people underestimate the importance of family. She talks about
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  Speaker 5: that all the time. As someone who didn't have that support,
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  Speaker 5: it is so important. This will set an example for
• 9:36
  Speaker 5: parents in Australia and around the world, not how just
• 9:39
  Speaker 5: to raise, not how to raise a champion, but a
• 9:42
  Speaker 5: genuinely wonderful human being. This is how you support them.
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  Speaker 5: You don't pressure them, you're there for them, and this
• 9:48
  Speaker 5: is why she's there.
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  Speaker 1: So a big shout out to them.
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  Speaker 2: Well done.
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  Speaker 1: I'm almost in tears.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's so impactful from somebody who's been through it.
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  Speaker 2: I just raised such a really important conver how much
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: pushing do we give our children. You look at the
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: things that she was able to achieve in her life
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  Speaker 2: as a result of her dad's insistence and push.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: And at what cost?
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  Speaker 2: That's a world champion, But at what costs that's exactly right.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Did she find fulfillment and happiness in her life? What
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: was her relationship like with her parents in general?
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  Speaker 4: So the end of it, let's talk briefly about what
• 10:24
  Speaker 4: we do with our kids when they seem to have
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: a knack for a particular sport or whatever their pastime
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  Speaker 4: or passion might be. Do we push hard or do
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: we step back and just support them based on what
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  Speaker 4: they want? Because so many parents get so caught up
• 10:42
  Speaker 4: in it and they see the progress that their kids
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: are making, they're like, but you could you can you
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: just dream?
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  Speaker 1: Come on, let's do this.
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  Speaker 4: The very best research is consistently telling us that it's
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: going to be unhelpful if the child is not autonomously motivated.
• 11:00
  Speaker 4: That is, if they're not choosing it. They may still
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: be able to be the best in the world, but
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: that may not be the best thing for them in
• 11:06
  Speaker 4: the world.
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  Speaker 2: It's interesting. I think as parents, you know, we look
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: at our children's potential and we see what they can achieve,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: and we want so much for them to reach it.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: But I think you've just touched on it so beautifully.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: It's just this acknowledgement that unless our children are intrinsically driven,
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: there is so much damage that can take place.
• 11:24
  Speaker 4: There's also there's also an interesting tension though. I'm thinking
• 11:27
  Speaker 4: about our fourteen year old daughter, who plays the piano
• 11:31
  Speaker 4: at a like a grade four grade five level. She
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: hates doing exams, and for the first three exams, I
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: sort of held my ground and said, and they don't
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: like it, but we've got to help you to progress
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: and develop your confidence so that you can truly fall
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: in love with the piano. And that means doing some
• 11:48
  Speaker 4: stuff that you don't love. And now she's at a
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: point where she's about to do her grade four exams,
• 11:53
  Speaker 4: she's already talking about her grade five exam, and she's
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: learning grade six and grade seven pieces because she's fallen
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: in love with piano. And I didn't get all tiger parent,
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: but I held my ground, and.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Now she's at that level of development.
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: And so there's this tension where the kids are like,
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: but I don't want to I'd rather not and they
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: don't want to push themselves, and sometimes they need this
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: as parents to give them the nudge knowing when to
• 12:16
  Speaker 4: stop pushing is so tricky, and I'm not necessarily saying
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: I did it right. I'm just putting it out there.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: No, but I think there's a difference between holding your
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: ground on something and insisting that she do five hours
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: of practice every day. For instance, We didn't go down
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: that road with her. It was an acknowledgment that exams
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: are an important part of your progress, but how you
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: achieve that is up to you, and we don't actually
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: care at the end of the day, whether you're an
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: A student or you're a C student. This is just
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: an opportunity for you to learn, to grow and to progress.
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: The other thing that's worth mentioning is that I did
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: tell her that once she got her grade I can't
• 12:50
  Speaker 4: remember it was four or five now I've actually forgotten.
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: But once she's done her grade four exams, she doesn't
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: have to do any more exams if she doesn't want to.
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: My sense is she probably will now that she's gotten
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: to that level and she's got that level of competence.
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: But I think as parents, what matters most is that
• 13:06
  Speaker 4: we say to our child, Okay, you're saying you don't
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: want to compete, or you're saying you want to quit.
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: But we're seeing all of this potential. What do you
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: want to do with this and hand it back to them.
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: We could say to them, is it important that you
• 13:20
  Speaker 4: continue to use your body? Is it important that you
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: continue to use these skills? And if so, how would
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: you like to use them? And work with them in
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: that direction. So all of the best research says autonomy
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: and also range. What I mean by autonomy is to
• 13:34
  Speaker 4: the extent that we can we empower them to make
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: their own decisions. But we when I say range, we
• 13:40
  Speaker 4: also say we want you to try a range of things.
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: We want you to have breadth, because the more breadth
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: you've got, the more likely it is that you're going
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: to do well. There's a great book on my bookshelf
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: right behind Us by David Epstein. It's called Range, and
• 13:54
  Speaker 4: he compares the narrative that you've got to get your
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: kids going early, like age of five or age of six,
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: get them into stuff, get them early specializing so that
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: they can excel, get ahead of the pack, and do really,
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: really well. The research says that that narrative, while popular,
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: isn't necessarily accurate, and while there are some standout examples,
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: most people who are doing the best in life, have
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: done a range of things before they've settled in the
• 14:19
  Speaker 4: thing that they truly love and they've autonomously chosen it.
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  Speaker 2: I think as parents we just need to ask ourselves
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: what's our motivation for pushing our children? Why are we
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: doing it? Is it because we wish that we'd been
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: a ballerina as a kid or been a concert pianist.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: Is it because we actually see that our kids have
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: a love and a passion for it and we want
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: to extend that. Or is it that we see that
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: they have potential and we want them to excel. All
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: of us just want our children to be happy, and
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: I think if we just keep that at the forefront.
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: And to fulfill their potential. So many parents want their
• 14:53
  Speaker 4: children to fulfill their potential.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: But what is their potential as a parent? Why am
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: I the judge of what their potentially is?
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: I'm not even sure that anyone of us as adults,
• 15:05
  Speaker 4: as parents has ever fulfilled our potential. Potential is this
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: thing that's going to be a lifelong pursuit and none
• 15:12
  Speaker 4: of us are going to get there, I'm sure of it.
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: So we do put a lot of pressure on the kids.
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: Can we go back to what Julena Dockitch said. Sure,
• 15:19
  Speaker 4: Ash Barty's parents didn't put pressure on Ash. They supported
• 15:23
  Speaker 4: her fifteen seconds, one sentence support, don't pressure. The Happy
• 15:29
  Speaker 4: Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 15:33
  Speaker 4: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We hope you love
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: the podcast too. If you do, would you please visit
• 15:37
  Speaker 4: Apple Podcasts, leave a rating and review, let other people
• 15:41
  Speaker 4: know about how much you like it so that they
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: can find it themselves and make their families happier. If
• 15:49
  Speaker 4: you'd like more information about making your family happier, you
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: can find a Happy Families membership at happy families dot
• 15:55
  Speaker 4: com DOTU. In those memberships we do q and as
• 15:57
  Speaker 4: we do webinars, we send you newslets.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: It has tips for hacking.
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: Parenting and making it easier, and a whole range of
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: resources to support you because a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 16:09
  Speaker 4: All the info on our Happy Families memberships are at
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: happy families dot com dot au