Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 17. Crafting child-centered parenting plans post-separation

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17. Crafting child-centered parenting plans post-separation · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, thanks for joining me on today's episode.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Today, what I'd like to talk about with you is parenting plans how to create care arrangements for your children after separation.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Separation and divorce are times of upheaval for the entire family, particularly for your kids, but the negative impacts on your children can be minimised significantly when parents are able to work together to create care arrangements that keep children firmly at the centre of the decision making, rather than sticking them in the middle of the conflict.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Before agreeing to any particular parenting arrangements, it's important to first note down the aspects of your children's lives that need to be planned for and any ideas that you might have about sharing the parenting responsibilities, things that you need to consider, a drop-off and pick-up arrangement for things like daycare, kindergarten, preschool, primary school, secondary school, after-school activities, sporting activities and those sorts of things.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Next, it's also important to consider who has been the main carer of the children for the majority of the time.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: What children need and deserve and do best with are parenting arrangements that most closely resemble the arrangements that were in place prior to separation.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: So if one parent was noticeably more responsible for the heavy lifting of day-to-day parenting, it's important that that parent remain the primary caregiver wear that safe to do so.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Obviously, if the person who's been taking on board a lot of those activities has been doing so coercively and if there's been family violence, this suggestion does not apply.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: But for the vast majority, the primary carer is oftentimes the protective parent, the healthy parent, the safe parent.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: It's very important in those situations that that parent remains the primary parent for the children.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: There's a big misconception, when it comes to separation, that the amount of time, the quantity of the time in the care of each parent, determines the quality of the relationship, and that's just not the case.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: The quality of the relationship is going to be dependent on a whole range of factors, including the connection that the children already have with that parent and the quality of the time, the quality of the parenting when the children are in the care of that parent.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Oftentimes parents can be thinking that an equal shared care arrangement, or 50-50 as it's commonly called, is the best thing for children because it's quote unquote fair.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: But in my view nothing could be further from the truth.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: And in fact, even when separating couples are relatively amicable, even when there's respectful communication, equal shared care arrangements still often don't provide the best outcomes for children because ultimately, they deprive children of one home base, and in my view, that's something that every human being deserves and does better with.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: It's very important when creating a parenting plan that you're treating your children as human beings and not property.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Things to consider are whether your children will be spending overnight time with the other parent and, if so, how will that look.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Again, this is ensuring that the needs of the children are the priority.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: When we're talking about separation and we're talking about parenting plans, the children are the ones with the rights and the parents are the ones with the responsibility.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: It's important that you're not swayed by demands of the other parent that they have a quote unquote right to a certain amount of time with their children, because that's not actually the case.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: When it comes to the question of spending overnights, what's important to consider is what is the accommodation of the other parent?
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Do they have appropriate accommodation for the children?
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Do they have beds, all of those sorts of things?
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Have they ever cared overnight independently for the children before?
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: What are the ages of the children?
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: For example, for any child that's younger than three, perhaps even four, I would initially not be rushing into overnight time with the other parent, particularly if that other parent has not been an actively involved parent in the care of that particular child.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Rather, overnight time would be something that would be built up to.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Instead, there would be frequent visits, but of a shorter duration.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: If you have a young child and you're still breastfeeding, this is not the time when you should feel pressured to stop breastfeeding in order to give the other parent time with your child.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: And this is particularly important if there's ever been situations of family violence, if there's been coercive control, emotional abuse, financial abuse, any form of abuse.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: If you're concerned about the other parent's parenting, if you're concerned about what they perceive to be appropriate discipline, this is where you need to be seeking advice before agreeing to any particular parenting plan.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: In some situations, the way that care arrangements need to start is with the other parent having supervised time with the children to ensure the children's safety.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: These are things that I support my clients to explore, and I can help them to understand the different pathways and the different options based on what it is that they're experiencing in their specific situation.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: It's important that you think outside the square when you're creating a parenting plan.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: There are no musts or shoulds.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: It's important that you're aware of that, because if you've been experiencing controlling or manipulative behaviour from your ex-partner, they may try to convince you that perhaps they've had legal advice telling them that they're entitled to a certain amount of care.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Perhaps they try to tell you, or maybe even the children, that the fair thing that everybody does is 50-50.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: None of that is actually true, and so it's important that you're aware of that.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: You may consider the children spending time with one parent after school for a few hours, perhaps also for dinner, instead of overnight care.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Again, the age of your children can determine whether overnight care is a possibility or is practical or appropriate, but also whether or not your children have additional needs.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Perhaps they're neurodiverse.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Overnights in a different location, with a parent that they're not used to being cared for, can be stressful and distressing for some children, and this is really important to consider, especially if one or more of the children have a stronger attachment to the primary carer.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Again, it's important that these parenting plans are tailored for the needs of the children.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: This is not about the rights of the parent.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: The parents have the responsibilities, the children have the rights, and this can mean that spending time with the other parent needs to build up slowly and gradually over time in order for that attachment and that connection and that bond to strengthen.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Because the reality is, just because the other parent may have been somewhere in the background on a regular basis when you were in a relationship together maybe they were active at weekends, maybe they went to the sporting activities after school.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Whatever their level of involvement was, that doesn't necessarily mean that they have a strong connection and bond with your children.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: It doesn't necessarily mean that your children feel safe in their care.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: This may take time to develop, depending on the situation of your family and, again, it can also be relevant to whether or not your children have experienced any sort of control or abuse from the other parent or whether they've been exposed to it, because they've seen what you have personally experienced from the other parent.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: So we've spoken about the need to note down the aspects of the children's lives that need to be planned for the pickups and the drop-offs and all of those sorts of things.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Part of the planning process is also to get the basics figured out, those day-to-day arrangements.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Next will come other considerations, such as the arrangements for the kids' birthdays, the birthdays of parents or other extended family members, christmas Eve, christmas Day, school holidays, public holidays, easter, mother's Day, father's Day, etc.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: If it's possible, it's a great idea to approach this collaboratively with the other parent and to highlight that all arrangements will be flexible while your family navigates this new way of doing things.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: If it's not possible for you to sit down constructively or safely with the other parent, it's a good idea to write down your ideas and then to invite the other parent to do the same or perhaps to add their suggestions to what you've created.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: If this process is likely to be highly conflictual, or if it becomes conflictual or stressful, it can be important to consider mediation to assist you.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: Speaking to a lawyer and going to court is always an option, but that should always be considered a last resort.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Going to court is not about determining who is the better parent.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Rather, it's a third-party making decisions about your children and your family that will affect your children and your family for many, many years to come.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: The people making the decisions throughout the court process don't know you or your kids and you can't control the outcome.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: So, as hard as it may be, it really is worth doing your very best to try to decide care arrangements for your children without the need for court intervention.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Many of my clients come to me early on in that separation process when they're wanting support to create a parenting plan that is appropriate for the ages and the needs of their children and the family dynamic in general.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I'm able to support my clients to create a parenting plan and also to help them to prepare for mediation, if the parenting plan is something that needs to be discussed in that particular forum.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: So if this is something that you're struggling with at the moment, perhaps you're wanting to create a parenting plan for your children, or perhaps you've got a current parenting plan that you just know really is not working the way that it needs to for the best interests of your kids, please reach out.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I'd love to have a chat with you.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: You're able to book a free consult via my website and when we have a chat we can discuss and decide whether working with me is the right fit for you and your situation.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: If coercive control is something that you've experienced during the relationship and you're concerned about this continuing, it's really important that you seek advice before agreeing on any particular parenting arrangements and it's also important that you seek support in creating that parenting plan.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: It's important that the parenting plan is as specific and detailed as possible.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Now I know this can sometimes feel a bit restrictive.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: So many people want there to be flexible arrangements, but unfortunately, if you've been dealing with a controlling abuser, that flexibility will be used to continue to control and manipulate you and your children.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: This is something that I've got a lot of experience in helping clients with, and in my view, it really is best to seek support early on rather than agree to a plan that isn't right for you or for your kids and then regret it later on.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: It can be sometimes difficult to change your parenting plan after it's been in place for any length of time.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is that you're navigating, you're not alone and I'm here to help.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for your time.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.