Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #385 It's All Been Worth It

Transcript

#385 It's All Been Worth It · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers. Now.
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Speaker 2: Breakthroughs are the it's all been worth it moments, aren't they?
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Speaker 2: Like when you just have this breakthrough and you're like, oh, yes,
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Speaker 2: we've struggled, we've gone through hard things and now boom.
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Speaker 1: There it is and now here's the stars of our show,
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Speaker 1: my mum and dad.
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Speaker 2: Podcasts at Happy families dot com dot AU. That's how
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Speaker 2: you can contact us and let us know what you
0:29
Speaker 2: would like us to talk about on the Happy Family's podcast.
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Speaker 2: If you've got questions or if you've got feedback for us,
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Speaker 2: we love to hear from you. Podcasts at happy Families
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Speaker 2: dot com dot you Today. My name is doctor Justin
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Speaker 2: Colson here with Kylie, my wife, mum to our six daughters. Hey,
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Speaker 2: why are you laughing at me? You're literally sitting there
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Speaker 2: like you're looking at my hair? Is my hair a
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Speaker 2: bit crazy?
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Speaker 3: You've got like a whole part at the back behind your.
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Speaker 2: I can hear it, like big bad, Yeah you can.
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Speaker 2: I can literally Now that you said that, I can
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Speaker 2: feel I need to go and spend some time in
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Speaker 2: the bathroom looking in the mirror nobody can see. You
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Speaker 2: didn't need to raise that. This is a podcast for all.
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Speaker 2: Everyone knows I look like Ken and you look like Barbie.
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Speaker 3: Oh is that?
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Speaker 2: I hope not? At every level for both of us.
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Speaker 2: I hope not. Gosh, you know what, life with kids
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Speaker 2: is challenging, and it's interesting when we look at the
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Speaker 2: feedback that we get from our listeners, how many people
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Speaker 2: are just saying, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired, this is hard.
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Speaker 2: Help Like, what do I do about my little child
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Speaker 2: who's not sleeping or my big child who's causing me
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Speaker 2: to cry into my pillow at night because of the
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Speaker 2: decisions that they're making and everything in between. And so
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Speaker 2: today we decided that we were going to take parenting
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Speaker 2: from a different angle. We were going to do our
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Speaker 2: best to celebrate the awesomeness of parenting.
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Speaker 4: Asked some of our listeners when they have experienced that
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Speaker 4: it's all been worth a moment?
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Speaker 2: And we can't wait to hear what they have to say.
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Speaker 2: Our first response was from Jess. This is what she
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Speaker 2: told us.
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Speaker 5: My kids are still quite little, so I haven't had
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Speaker 5: too many moments yet when I feel like it's all
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Speaker 5: been worth it, I feel like I've fully realized that yet,
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Speaker 5: but certainly have felt that my approach to parenting has
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Speaker 5: been worth it. When I see my six year old
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Speaker 5: comforting my two year old when she's upset, singing to her,
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Speaker 5: or copying my language in the way he interacts with her,
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Speaker 5: so saying things like I know you want to play
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Speaker 5: with that, but it's not safe something like that, I
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Speaker 5: think that's really sweet. And seeing them cuddling or sitting
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Speaker 5: together when no one's watching fills my heart with joy.
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Speaker 4: This can backfire a little bit at times, can't it.
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Speaker 4: We can hear the worst of our parenting come out
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Speaker 4: of our children's mouths, but how good is it when
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Speaker 4: we hear them say the most beautiful thing?
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Speaker 3: Oh and you just know why do that too?
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Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I think it's I think that's why
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Speaker 2: the webinars and the podcast that we've done on sibling
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Speaker 2: rivalry are so popular. It's just it's just heaven when
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Speaker 2: the kids are kind to one another. I love I
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Speaker 2: love seeing our big kids prioritize their little sisters, like
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Speaker 2: every now and again. That we've got kids that are
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Speaker 2: in their twenties, nineteen seventeen, and fourteen, and then we've
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Speaker 2: got the two little ones who are eleven and seven,
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Speaker 2: And I just love it when the big ones come
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Speaker 2: to us and they literally they'll say, hey, mom, Dad
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Speaker 2: thought we might jump in the car and take the
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Speaker 2: little ones down to the park and hang out with
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Speaker 2: them for a bit. Would you mind if we did that?
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Speaker 2: And we're kind of like, oh yes, like on so
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Speaker 2: many levels, oh yes. So but even the eleven.
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Speaker 4: Year old, she'll come and notice that Emily's having a
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Speaker 4: hard time, and so she'll kind of take her out
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Speaker 4: onto the trampoline so create a little bit of fun.
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Speaker 3: So just seeing them in those spaces.
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Speaker 2: It's all worth it, totally. Hear what you're saying, Jess.
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Speaker 2: Who was next? Ali? Ali's up next?
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Speaker 6: My six year old decided he would share his veroca
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Speaker 6: with his two year old sister and he was very
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Speaker 6: kind to her, which has taken a lot of work
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Speaker 6: to get to that, for him to think about what
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Speaker 6: she might like and what might make her happy.
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Speaker 4: Isn't it great when our children just get to that
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Speaker 4: point where they've got the capacity to see that someone
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Speaker 4: else has a need.
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Speaker 2: But I'm looking at this zone and thinking, don't give
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Speaker 2: you kids, barocka, They're going to be bouncing off the wall.
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Speaker 2: I was waiting for her to say that.
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Speaker 3: I thought this is going to be a disaster story.
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Speaker 3: It was so nice that it wasn't.
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Speaker 2: Let's hear from Amanda.
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Speaker 7: Since listening to the podcast, I have introduced some family
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Speaker 7: values and my kids are at the point now where
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Speaker 7: if one of them mocks the other, one of them
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Speaker 7: will pipe up and say, that's against our family values
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Speaker 7: and that's not okay. And it always makes me smile
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Speaker 7: because we really have a good grasp on what our
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Speaker 7: family values are now and Justin's kind of helped us
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Speaker 7: come up with those famili values.
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Speaker 8: It's been really great.
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Speaker 4: How awesome is it when our kids are actually the
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Speaker 4: police in the family. They actually help manage things and
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Speaker 4: just remind not the police police, but just remind one another,
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Speaker 4: hang on a sec that's not what we do in
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Speaker 4: this house.
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Speaker 3: I think that's awesome.
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Speaker 2: As a parent, I'm just thinking, Oh, they are listening.
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Speaker 2: They're listening, Hey, Joe, let's hear from you.
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Speaker 3: Well, in the.
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Speaker 9: Current lockdown world of this year and last year, Charlotte
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Speaker 9: has really really struggled with anxiety and has fought every
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Speaker 9: time we have to take her somewhere different. So she
5:37
Speaker 9: has still had to go and do schooling because we're
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Speaker 9: essential workers, and every day it has been a lot
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Speaker 9: of crying and no, mummy, don't leave. So we decided
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Speaker 9: that Charlotte probably would benefit from having some psychological help,
5:54
Speaker 9: which involved a lot more sessions with us than her,
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Speaker 9: and we ended up having to do think such as
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Speaker 9: make a little bracelet for her to wear and kiss
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Speaker 9: her hand so she's always got our kiss with us.
6:07
Speaker 9: And it was a lot of work for her as well,
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Speaker 9: because she had to try and overcome some of her
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Speaker 9: feares and her anxieties. And so I was very very
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Speaker 9: proud when after the school holidays this year, she managed
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Speaker 9: to go on the very first day, give me a kiss,
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Speaker 9: jump out of the car, and head straight into classroom
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Speaker 9: with her teachers without any of the previous anks that
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Speaker 9: we used to have.
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Speaker 4: This must have been such a big win for the
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Speaker 4: whole family after going through all of the anks around
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Speaker 4: anxiety and separation and all of those things, to finally
6:44
Speaker 4: come to day one of school and see your little
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Speaker 4: girl just walk off.
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Speaker 3: Oh that's magic.
6:51
Speaker 2: Breakthroughs are the it's all been worth it moments, aren't they?
6:54
Speaker 2: Like when you just have this breakthrough and you're like, oh, yes,
6:57
Speaker 2: we've struggled, we've gone through hard things and now boom,
7:00
Speaker 2: there it is after the break. We're going to have
7:02
Speaker 2: a look at what happens when bullying moments become it's
7:06
Speaker 2: all been worth it moments, and how we can have
7:09
Speaker 2: kids to try new things and see them grow and
7:11
Speaker 2: develop just the delight that comes there.
7:13
Speaker 10: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
7:16
Speaker 11: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
7:19
Speaker 11: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
7:21
Speaker 11: of discipline. Theres a webinar to help parents set limits
7:24
Speaker 11: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
7:28
Speaker 11: families dot com, dot au slash shop.
7:31
Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we're
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Speaker 4: just reveling in those moments where it's all being worth it.
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Speaker 2: So we're asking our Happy Families listeners to let us
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Speaker 2: know when it's all been worth it for them, for you.
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Speaker 2: Kayleen had this.
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Speaker 12: To say, My eldest daughter has had her first real
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Speaker 12: heartbreaking and breakup with a long term sort of boyfriend,
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Speaker 12: and she was on the counch and she was just
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Speaker 12: beside herself and our youngest child, Joe was looking at her.
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Speaker 8: Next year, he goes out to her bedroom, gets her pillow,
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Speaker 8: starts back down the kitchen. He's very not quite four
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Speaker 8: year old. Way lifted up her head and very grumpily said,
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Speaker 8: lift your hand, shoves the pillar under her.
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Speaker 13: Head, covers her over with his blanket, and they just
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Speaker 13: crawled up on the couch and cuddled her. And I
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Speaker 13: think that was probably our most recent it's all been
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Speaker 13: worth it moment, because we spent a lot of time
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Speaker 13: and energy trying to teach Joe to be gentle and
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Speaker 13: compassionate and notice other people's body language and how they're feeling.
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Speaker 3: This one really pulls at the heart strings.
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Speaker 4: I love how Kayleen had put it, you know, this
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Speaker 4: acknowledgment that her son wanted to be so gentle and
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Speaker 4: kind and he wasn't necessarily so gentle and kind in
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Speaker 4: his approach, but the message was there, and it was
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Speaker 4: felt and it was needed. And then for him to
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Speaker 4: just lie next to his sister and just be in
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Speaker 4: her space, how beautiful that would have been.
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Speaker 3: Such a beautiful moment.
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Speaker 2: Have you noticed how much the theme of kindness keeps
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Speaker 2: coming up? These are the times where we look at
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Speaker 2: each other and we just go yeah, yeah, this is living.
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Speaker 2: Just just earlier this week, one morning, as the kids
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Speaker 2: were getting ready for school, our baby girl, our seven
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Speaker 2: year old Emily, was doing she was practicing her dance
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Speaker 2: for the school assembly. The whole class is going to
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Speaker 2: dance to hear Comes the Sun by the Beatles, And
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Speaker 2: there was this magical moment where the sun was streaming
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Speaker 2: It actually was streaming through the window, and every one
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Speaker 2: of the children were standing there watching Emily as she
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Speaker 2: did this dance.
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Speaker 3: And I looked around the room assive grin on their faces.
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Speaker 2: Every single Emily was in her element, but all the
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Speaker 2: kids were there as well. It's just like, ah, yeah,
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Speaker 2: this is It's one of those moments where you just
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Speaker 2: go loving this, this is this is what makes it
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Speaker 2: worth it. It's one of those great, great moments, Megan,
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Speaker 2: what has your all been worth?
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Speaker 10: That moment been my seven year old son, who has
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Speaker 10: been experiencing a lot of emotional meltdowns and was very
9:53
Speaker 10: very difficult and very late in being able to put
9:56
Speaker 10: into words how he's feeling, or be able to negotiate
10:00
Speaker 10: or work out how to deal with his emotions in
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Speaker 10: any constructive form. His go to was just the sort
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Speaker 10: of the toddler mechanism of full meltdown. My proud moment
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Speaker 10: was him coming home from school yesterday saying, not only
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Speaker 10: did he not have a meltdown when somebody was being
10:19
Speaker 10: mean to him and a friend on the playground, but
10:21
Speaker 10: he was able to actually stand up for himself and say, well, actually, no,
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Speaker 10: that's not accurate.
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Speaker 8: You don't need to be mean.
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Speaker 10: And if you continue to do this, I will have
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Speaker 10: to go and talk to my teacher and I'm sure
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Speaker 10: we can.
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Speaker 14: Get along better.
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Speaker 2: It's all been worth it. What has it been funicle?
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Speaker 14: My son's had lots of challenges and he went on
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Speaker 14: camp Grade six camp last term and he was away
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Speaker 14: for four days.
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Speaker 8: He did really well.
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Speaker 14: It was really amazing and because two years ago he
10:55
Speaker 14: wouldn't have been had to do it, I don't know.
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Speaker 14: He had heaps of personal growth out of it. And
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Speaker 14: see that so very very good and lovely to get
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Speaker 14: nice feedback from.
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Speaker 4: The teachers to As I've listened to all of these experiences,
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Speaker 4: what I've noticed is the common thread of kindness and
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Speaker 4: this ability to overcome hardship.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Growth, Yeah, kindness and growth.
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Speaker 4: When we see our children growing, we are able to
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Speaker 4: celebrate alongside them, but we actually have to go through
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Speaker 4: some really hard stuff to recognize that growth.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it wasn't, if it was all easy,
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Speaker 2: we'd never go, oh my goodness, the struggle. The struggle
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Speaker 2: was worth it. Like it's about seeing the hard times,
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Speaker 2: the downtimes, the difficulties that makes you go, it's all
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Speaker 2: been worth it. Hey, I've got a question for you,
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Speaker 2: and I haven't asked you to prep anything, so I
11:44
Speaker 2: might be putting you on the spot. I have done
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Speaker 2: some prep for this, by.
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Speaker 3: The way, Oh that's unfair when what are yours?
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Speaker 2: It's all been worth at moments, you.
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Speaker 4: Know, when I think back to when the kids were younger,
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Speaker 4: we lived near the beach, and we all loved spending
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Speaker 4: time on the beach. But inevitably, every time we said
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Speaker 4: we were going to the beach, we would have at
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Speaker 4: least three of them, if not four.
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Speaker 3: Or five, go oh, we don't want to go to
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Speaker 3: the beach.
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Speaker 4: And they would chuck a mental and I would look
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Speaker 4: at you so many times and go, what is the point.
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Speaker 3: This is just too hard.
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Speaker 4: It would take us an hour to get out the
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Speaker 4: door because we were fighting people who didn't want to
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Speaker 4: leave their book behind or whatever it was.
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Speaker 2: Oh, they just didn't want to get in the car
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Speaker 2: or that's my seat or hang on, I forgot something like.
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Speaker 4: And they would be fighting with each other and we would,
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Speaker 4: you know, like, we're going to the beach, and we'd
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Speaker 4: put them in the car and we'd get down there
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Speaker 4: and they'd be fighting the whole time in the car,
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Speaker 4: and I would literally just go why are we doing this?
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Speaker 3: Like why are we putting ourselves through this?
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Speaker 2: We're going to the beach and we're going to have
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Speaker 2: a good time.
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Speaker 4: And then they would just be that moment where after
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Speaker 4: everybody had you know, shuffled down to the sand, and
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Speaker 4: we had those that were, you know, sitting cross legged
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Speaker 4: and cross armed.
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Speaker 3: I'm not going to have fun.
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Speaker 4: And a few of them would peter off down to
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Speaker 4: the water, and before we knew it, we'd have six
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Speaker 4: children down in the water. Everyone was splashing and laughing
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Speaker 4: and sometimes last for about five minutes. But you and
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Speaker 4: I would stand on the beach holding hands, and I
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Speaker 4: would look out at just that little moment in time
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Speaker 4: and just be so grateful that we had made that
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Speaker 4: effort to be there, because in that moment, it just
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Speaker 4: felt amazing.
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Speaker 2: Well, it's all been worth it. As I reflected on
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Speaker 2: everything that Jess and Ali and Amanda and Joe and Kaylen,
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Speaker 2: Ameighan and Michelle and Nicole said, and thinking even about
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Speaker 2: what you've said, you know what I've noticed nobody said ah,
13:29
Speaker 2: when they finally got the A, when they finally were
13:32
Speaker 2: class Captain, when they were finally like there was no
13:35
Speaker 2: emphasis at all on achievement, achievement, grades, accomplishment. There was
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Speaker 2: no commentary at all about that. The commentary was about kindness.
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Speaker 2: It was about smiles and laughter and hugs. And I think,
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Speaker 2: when I consider my it's all been worth at moments. Yes,
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Speaker 2: there are some big moments, there are some deeply personal moments,
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Speaker 2: but most of the time it's all been worth At
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Speaker 2: moments they're in this small, small, spar twinkling, fleeting bits
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Speaker 2: where I see a child prepare breakfast for her sisters,
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Speaker 2: pull out the smoothie maker and say, who wants smoothies
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Speaker 2: this morning? I'm going to look after breakfast, Or it's
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Speaker 2: that moment where they nestle in and give us a
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Speaker 2: hug and want to tell us about their day.
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Speaker 4: She doesn't do anymore but when Emily was little, she
14:24
Speaker 4: literally would stick her nose in the crook of my
14:26
Speaker 4: neck and just inhale me.
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Speaker 2: You smell good, mummy, she did.
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Speaker 3: I miss those days.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and sitting around the table and just saying, Hey,
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Speaker 2: what were you grateful for today? What made you smile?
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Speaker 2: What brought you life and light today? They're not big things.
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Speaker 2: And what I've actually found, and the research would support this,
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Speaker 2: is that it's all been worth it moments. We can
14:46
Speaker 2: look for the big moment and say, oh, it was
14:47
Speaker 2: that great, big thing, but if we do, we're going
14:50
Speaker 2: to be perpetually disappointed because those moments don't come along
14:52
Speaker 2: very often. Instead, it's these fleeting moments of connection, that
14:58
Speaker 2: tiny little bit where like I totally see you, I
15:02
Speaker 2: completely hear you, we feel like we're part of something together.
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Speaker 2: They're the moments that I think are the it's all
15:10
Speaker 2: been worth it moments. And the great thing is if
15:12
Speaker 2: we're intentional about it, we get to have them every
15:15
Speaker 2: single day.
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Speaker 4: That's the best part about it. If we're waiting for
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Speaker 4: those big things, we're not going to have them regularly.
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Speaker 4: But if we just take the time to look for
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Speaker 4: those tiny, little glimmers of hope.
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Speaker 3: Then we can have them.
15:29
Speaker 9: Well.
15:29
Speaker 2: We hope that as you've listened to the Happy Families Podcast,
15:32
Speaker 2: I cut you off halfway through a sentence, hang on,
15:35
Speaker 2: I'm not finished.
15:37
Speaker 4: We can have them every day, every day that every day.
15:41
Speaker 2: Get those last two words, and we hope that the
15:45
Speaker 2: Happy Families Podcast has all been worth it for you.
15:47
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening. We are so grateful
15:49
Speaker 2: that so many people have found us and listen to
15:52
Speaker 2: what we have to share so that you can make
15:54
Speaker 2: your families happier. Tomorrow I'll Do Better Tomorrow. It's a
15:57
Speaker 2: really it's our favorite episode of the week where we
15:59
Speaker 2: get to share the stuff that we've been intentional and
16:01
Speaker 2: reflecting on so that we can make our families happier.
16:04
Speaker 2: I'll Do Better Tomorrow as our podcast tomorrow morning, and
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Speaker 2: then Monday morning we start talking about Parental Guidance, the
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Speaker 2: brand new TV show on Channel Line with yours truly
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Speaker 2: as the co host and parenting expert, talking parenting with
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Speaker 2: they're getting this parenting stuff right. We have finally seen
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Speaker 2: to a slow start, by the time we start the
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Speaker 2: conversation about smacking. This is must watch TV. Oh my goodness,
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Speaker 2: it's so good. And what I love is the way
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Speaker 2: the families deal with I mean, there are really hard
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Speaker 2: conversations and they talk about hard things together. But this
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