Latest / Toxic Relationship Podcast / 10 Signs Your Mistaking a Trauma Bond as Chemistry- How God Can Help!

Transcript

10 Signs Your Mistaking a Trauma Bond as Chemistry- How God Can Help! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: At 11.43 p.m., her phone finally lights up.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: For three days she has checked it while brushing her teeth, standing in the grocery line, pretending to watch a movie.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: She has reread her last message so many times she could recite it under anesthesia.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Was she too emotional?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Too direct?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Did asking for a little consistency somehow require an apology?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Then his name appears.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Two words.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Miss you.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Her shoulders drop.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Suddenly she can breathe.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: And she thinks.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody else makes me feel like this.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: But here is the question she never asks.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Why did I have to feel so terrible before those two words could feel so wonderful?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_04: That story lands hard, doesn't it?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_04: Because most of us have lived some version of it.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_04: And here's what I want our listeners to hear right now.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_04: That feeling of relief is real, but relief is not the same thing as love.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes what we call chemistry is actually the enormous relief of finally receiving affection from the person who has been withholding it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the Toxic Relationship Podcast.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Shannon Alder, life coach, Christian author of the best-selling book, The Narcissistic Abuse Bible, and I am so glad you're here.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Today we are talking about 10 signs you may be mistaking a trauma bond for chemistry, and how God can help you recognize the difference and begin to heal.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Pastor Jake O'Connell.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_04: Thanks, Shannon.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_04: It's good to be with you and with everyone listening.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: I'm Pastor Jake O'Connell, and I spend a lot of time walking with people through the faith questions that get really painful when someone you love keeps hurting you.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_04: Questions like, is it wrong to leave?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_04: Is it unspiritual to set a boundary?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_04: Did I not pray hard enough?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_04: Those are the questions we want to sit with honestly today.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Before we dive in, one distinction really matters.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: A trauma bond is an attachment to someone who abuses you, often reinforced by recurring harm followed by affection or relief.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean two people becoming close because they have both experienced trauma.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And strong attraction, anxiety, or a difficult breakup alone does not establish that you have a trauma bond.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: These signs are prompts for reflection, not a diagnosis.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_04: That's such an important caveat, because people hear the phrase trauma bond and immediately panic.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_04: But you can feel genuine attraction to someone who is unsafe.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_04: You do not have to prove your feelings were imaginary before you take the harm seriously.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_04: So let's walk through these ten signs together, gently, one at a time.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Sign number one, you feel most connected after they have hurt you.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: The deepest conversations happen after the cruel comment.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: The tenderest embrace follows another disappearance.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: The most passionate reunion arrives after you were certain the relationship was over.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: You begin to associate reconciliation with intimacy, because that is when you finally receive their full attention.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: So ask yourself this.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: If the hurt disappeared, what would our closeness look like on an ordinary Tuesday?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_04: Healthy repair includes accountability and changed behavior.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_04: An apology that buys another chance while leaving the same harmful pattern intact cannot carry the weight of trust.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_04: Flowers are lovely, but they cannot attend anger management on someone's behalf.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_04: 1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 through 6 describes love through patience, kindness, and rejoicing in truth.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_04: It gives us qualities to examine beyond the intensity of a reunion.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_04: God can help you look at the whole relationship, including what happens between the beautiful moments.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 2.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Their attention determines whether your day feels bearable.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: One warm message and you are suddenly productive.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: One cold reply?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: And you cannot concentrate on the email sitting right in front of you.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, someone you love affects your mood.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: The concern is how much of your life becomes organized around obtaining reassurance from someone who repeatedly makes you insecure.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_04: Imagine a woman named Claire.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_04: Before answering her friends about dinner, she checks whether he might want to see her.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_04: Before making weekend plans, she waits for his mood to improve.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_04: Eventually she has plenty of availability and very little life that feels like her own.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_04: Her calendar has become a waiting room.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_04: Psalm 139, verse 14, affirms that we are wonderfully made.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_04: Your value does not rise when someone responds quickly or fall when they leave you wondering.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 3.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: You call uncertainty butterflies, you rehearse simple requests, you scan their expression before sharing good news.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: You feel your stomach tighten when the garage door opens, because you do not know which version of them is coming home.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yet you describe the relationship as exciting.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Early attraction can involve nerves, and previous trauma can make safe situations feel unfamiliar.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: A racing heart alone cannot tell you whether you are attracted, afraid, or remembering an earlier hurt.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_04: So look at the circumstances around the sensation.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_04: Can you disagree without retaliation?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_04: Can you say no without being punished?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_04: Can you ask a question without being humiliated?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_04: Proverbs 22, verse 3 praises the wisdom of recognizing danger and taking refuge.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_04: Paying attention to a troubling pattern can be an act of discernment.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_04: Bring your body's reactions into prayer and when needed, into a conversation with a qualified counselor.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_04: You do not have to interpret every feeling by yourself.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 4.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: You are in love with their potential more than their pattern, you can describe who they might become in remarkable detail.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Once work settles down, once their childhood wounds heal, once they understand how deeply you love them.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Meanwhile, the person in front of you continues to lie, belittle, intimidate, or disregard your boundaries.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: You have become deeply committed to a future version of someone who has yet to show up for the interview.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_04: Hope is precious.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_04: It can also keep you waiting when it becomes disconnected from what someone is actually choosing.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_04: Jesus directs attention to fruit in Matthew chapter 7, verses 16 through 20.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_04: In relationships that invites a practical question, what is this person's behavior consistently producing?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_04: Look for change that continues when you are no longer threatening to leave.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_04: Look for accountability that does not require you to supervise it.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_04: You can pray for someone's healing without promising them continued access to your life.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_04: Their potential does not cancel your present need for safety.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 5.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: You keep making the harm your fault.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: If I had brought it up differently, he wouldn't have exploded.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: If I were less sensitive, the joke wouldn't bother me.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: If I could explain myself perfectly, she would stop accusing me.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now self-reflection is healthy.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: But taking responsibility for another adult's mistreatment is a burden you cannot resolve by becoming more agreeable.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: You could deliver your concern in a velvet box with complimentary chocolates and still be accused of having a tone.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_04: You may need to apologize for something you said that does not make you responsible for threats, coercion, or humiliation directed at you.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_04: Romans 12, verse 18 includes the qualification as much as lieth in you when urging peace.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_04: There are limits to what one person can accomplish in a relationship.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_04: Ask God to help you distinguish your responsibility from theirs.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_04: You can work on your communication while still naming their behavior accurately.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_04: You do not have to achieve perfection before you deserve basic respect.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 6.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: You protect their reputation by hiding your reality.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: When a friend asks how things are going, you give the edited version.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: You mention the flowers.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: You leave out what happened before they arrived.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you are embarrassed.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you fear judgment.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you know that telling the whole story would make it harder to keep calling the relationship healthy.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Privacy allows dignity.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: But secrecy becomes dangerous when it leaves you alone with harm.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_04: Proverbs 15, verse 22 describes the value of counsel.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_04: Choose someone trustworthy who understands abuse and will take your safety seriously.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_04: A licensed therapist, an advocate, or a pastor with appropriate training.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_04: Tell them specific events rather than only saying, we have problems.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_04: Explain what happened when you said no, asked for honesty, or tried to spend time with your family.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: God's help may arrive through another person who listens carefully and helps you see what you have been minimizing.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 7.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: You feel compelled to return even though the harm has not changed.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: You remember the relationship clearly until you feel lonely.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Then your mind starts assembling a highlight reel.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: The wonderful vacation makes the cut.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: The night you cried in the bathroom apparently has scheduling conflicts.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Missing someone can be painfully real without being reliable evidence that returning is wise.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_04: Grief may include the person, the routine, the companionship, and the future you imagined.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_04: You can mourn those losses while recognizing that the relationship was harming you.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_04: When the urge to reconnect arrives, pause if you can do so safely.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_04: Contact someone supportive.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_04: Read a factual account of what happened, kept somewhere the other person cannot access or monitor.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_04: Ask yourself, what has changed besides how lonely I feel tonight?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_04: Psalm 34, verse 18, offers the assurance that God is near to the brokenhearted.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_04: His presence does not depend on your ability to stop missing someone immediately.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 8.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Ordinary kindness feels boring, and familiar chaos feels special.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Someone follows through.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: They answer a question directly.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: They accept that you already have plans, and you find yourself wondering where the spark went.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody has vanished for the weekend.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: You have not needed a committee of friends to interpret a text.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: What are you supposed to do with all this spare time?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes a person simply is not a romantic match.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_04: You do not owe anyone attraction, because they treat you respectfully, but if only emotionally unavailable or hurtful people seem compelling, that pattern deserves gentle attention.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: Familiarity can influence what we reach toward, even when the familiar experience hurts.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_04: Galatians 5 verses 22 and 23 describes the fruit of the Spirit, including peace, patience, gentleness, and self-control.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_04: Those qualities provide a different set of things to notice as you get to know someone.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_04: Give yourself time to discover what connection feels like without constantly earning reassurance.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: If you loved me, you wouldn't need time away.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: A real Christian would forgive me, and stop bringing this up.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: These statements turn a reasonable limit into an accusation against your character.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Picture Elise telling her boyfriend she will not continue a conversation while he shouts.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: He calls her selfish, threatens the relationship, and sends messages until she gives in.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: When she finally apologizes, he becomes affectionate again.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: What does that pattern teach her?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: That keeping the connection requires surrendering the boundary.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_04: Jesus sometimes withdrew from crowds and their demands, as Luke 5, verse 16 records.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_04: Constant availability is not a requirement of faithful living.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_04: Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust or require reconciliation.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_04: Someone who has caused harm must still respect your decisions, and if setting a boundary could trigger retaliation, seek individual safety guidance before announcing or testing it.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: You use faith to explain away what you already know.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe God sent me to save him.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe this suffering proves I'm supposed to stay.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe leaving means I didn't pray hard enough.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Faith can sustain you through hardship, but an abusive person can also misuse faith to keep you questioning whether you are allowed to protect yourself.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: You are not another adult savior.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: You can love them, pray for them, and hope they change.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot repent on their behalf or make them stop abusing you by being more devoted.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_04: In 1 Samuel 19, David escapes Saul's attempt to kill him.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_04: The story gives us a biblical example of fleeing danger rather than remaining available to it.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_04: James 1, verse 5 invites us to ask God for wisdom.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_04: That prayer can include a willingness to receive an answer that disappoints our hopes about the relationship.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes the difficult act of faith is accepting what repeated behavior has already shown you.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: So here is the question I know our listeners are holding right now.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: How do I know whether the Spirit is warning me or I am simply afraid?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because those two things can feel identical in the body.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to push back a little here, Jake, because I think sometimes we spiritualize fear and call it discernment, and sometimes we dismiss real warning as anxiety.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: How do we tell the difference?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_04: That is a fair challenge, and I will not pretend there is a clean formula.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_04: There is no dependable test where anxiety always means danger, and calm always means God's approval.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_04: Setting a necessary boundary may feel frightening.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_04: Familiar mistreatment may feel strangely comfortable.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_04: Relief after receiving an apology may feel profound.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_04: Feelings deserve attention, but they need context.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_04: You can prayerfully examine an impression alongside scripture, observable behavior, and wise counsel.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love that, because it takes the pressure off one feeling and puts it back on the whole picture.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Ask whether the next step allows honesty and protects your dignity.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: Ask whether someone is using God told me to pressure you into a decision you are afraid to question.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And let's be concrete here.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: Threats, sexual coercion, stalking, intimidation, and controlling access to money or loved ones are red flags.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: You do not need a separate spiritual sign before taking them seriously.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_04: Consider Abigail in 1 Samuel 25.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_04: Facing danger created by Nabal's behavior, she acts with judgment and initiative.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_04: Her story does not prescribe a solution for every relationship, but it reminds us that wisdom may involve practical action in a deeply difficult household.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_04: You can pray, Lord, help me see clearly, and then tell a counselor what has been happening.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_04: You can ask for courage while making a safety plan.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_04: Spiritual care and professional support can work together.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: So let's talk about how God helps us through this, because I think a lot of people feel ashamed that it took them so long to see it.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: They look back and wonder how they missed what was right in front of them.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_02: What do you say to that person who is just now waking up to the reality of their relationship?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_04: I would say God can help you begin telling the truth without treating yourself cruelly for how long it took to see it.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_04: Psalm 62, verse 8 invites us to pour out our hearts before Him.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_04: Your prayer does not have to sound composed.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_04: I miss someone who hurt me, and I do not know what to do with that, is an honest place to begin.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_04: He can also help you receive support.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_04: A therapist can help you understand the attachment.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_04: An abuse advocate can help you consider safety.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_04: A trusted friend can sit beside you through an evening when loneliness makes returning seem tempting.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: And if contact has to continue because of parenting or legal obligations, please seek guidance about safer communication.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: If someone is threatening or monitoring you, use a safe device and consult an advocate before changing contact arrangements.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: Leaving or setting limits can require careful planning.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Healing may be gradual.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: You may have a peaceful morning and a difficult night.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: That does not erase your progress or mean God has abandoned you.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_04: Today, choose one supported step.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_04: Tell someone the whole story, arrange an individual counseling appointment, or make time to pray without checking your messages.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_04: You do not have to solve the rest of your life before taking care of yourself this afternoon.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_04: There can be love in your future that leaves room for your voice.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_04: There can be faith that helps you face reality.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_04: And there can be a life in which a phone lighting up is simply a phone lighting up, not the moment you finally feel allowed to breathe.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: That is such a beautiful place to land.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for walking through all ten signs with us today, and thank you to everyone listening who stayed with us through some hard truths.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: If this episode met you right where you are, please share it with someone who needs it.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you are not without hope.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Jake, would you close us out?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: I would be glad to.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: Before you go, please visit ShannonAlder.com to subscribe to Shannon's newsletter and get 20% off her next book on life after narcissism coming out next year.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Click to subscribe on YouTube so you never miss an episode and visit Staying Positive University on Facebook to join our tribe.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for being here with us today.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: May God give you clarity, courage, and a peace that does not depend on anyone else's attention.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: We will see you next time.