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Transcript

NARCISSIST OR AVOIDANT? How to Tell the Difference Before You Get Hurt 🛡️🧠 · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So you're sitting there making excuses for them, aren't you?
• 0:04
  You are you, are you really are you Keep telling your friends
• 0:07
  and your family, oh hey, they're just an avoided.
• 0:10
  They haven't avoided an attachment style.
• 0:12
  They're just scared of how much they love me.
• 0:14
  This is why they treat me this way.
• 0:15
  They're just an avoided. Look y'all, I'm someone that's
• 0:19
  clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality
• 0:21
  disorder and I'm telling you right now, that's exactly what a
• 0:24
  narcissist wants you to think. Because if you think that I'm
• 0:28
  scared that I'm an avoided, you'll keep chasing after me.
• 0:31
  You'll keep chasing after that narcissistic person in your
• 0:34
  life. That's what we're breaking down
• 0:35
  today though, y'all. We'll break it down to massive
• 0:38
  differences between narcissist and someone with an avoided
• 0:41
  attachment style so you can stop playing therapist or playing
• 0:45
  healer to someone who is actually a predator, someone who
• 0:49
  is actually hurting you on purpose.
• 0:51
  Y'all welcome intro fire intro. Look, the little snap you got to
• 0:56
  do with the other at the poet, poet slam, poach, slam.
• 1:03
  What's going on, y'all? Hope y'all having a great, great
• 1:05
  day. Lee Hammock diagnosed
• 1:07
  narcissist. Yeah, we go hop right into it,
• 1:10
  man. Then one of the main differences
• 1:12
  between a narcissist and avoiding people is the intent,
• 1:18
  right? It's the intent.
• 1:20
  It's safety versus superiority. Like the avoided person.
• 1:24
  Like an avoided will pull away from you because they feel
• 1:28
  suffocated. Like to an avoided person, to
• 1:31
  someone that has an actual avoided attachment style
• 1:34
  intimacy like close intimacy, physical intimacy or emotional
• 1:38
  intimacy, not necessarily physical stuff.
• 1:40
  I'm not right. Intimacy could feel like a
• 1:43
  threat to their safety, to their internal safety.
• 1:46
  It's like threatening you getting close threatens me.
• 1:49
  I'm scared. I'm scared of the vulnerability.
• 1:51
  Like this person isn't trying to hurt you.
• 1:55
  You see, they're not intending to hurt you.
• 1:58
  You might be hurt, but they're not intending to hurt you.
• 2:02
  They are literally trying to breathe like they're they're,
• 2:04
  they're the vulnerability is overwhelming them.
• 2:07
  The intimacy could be overwhelming them.
• 2:08
  The relationship just in general could be overwhelming them.
• 2:12
  So they're trying to breathe. They like they feel broken.
• 2:15
  And oftentimes they, they feel a lot of shame after they
• 2:19
  disappear on you, after they push you away, after they do
• 2:22
  something to get away from you. They could actually feel shame
• 2:24
  for what they do. Real shame, real, the real
• 2:30
  shame. They don't intend to hurt you.
• 2:33
  It's just what ends up happening, right?
• 2:34
  I'm not, this is not trying to, this is not me trying to give a
• 2:37
  pass to someone in an avoiding attachment stop, right?
• 2:41
  Of course they need to work on it, but the intent matters,
• 2:44
  right? As a narcissist, like.
• 2:46
  So let me put myself in the shoes, the big, the big shoes,
• 2:49
  big clown shoes of a narcissist, right?
• 2:50
  An undiagnosed, unaware narcissist, right?
• 2:54
  As a narcissist, I pull away. Like, I pull away because I want
• 2:58
  to control you. I want to control you.
• 3:02
  I want you to feel the drop in your stomach.
• 3:05
  I want you to feel the pain and the pressure of me doing this to
• 3:08
  you. I want to be chased.
• 3:11
  I want you to chase me so I can feel superior when you are
• 3:14
  chasing after me. I know I can get away with stuff
• 3:17
  because you're chasing after me, aren't you?
• 3:19
  Why you chasing me if I can't get away with it?
• 3:22
  You're chasing after me so I can feel superior, so I can feel
• 3:25
  wanted, so I can get my narcissistic supply from you
• 3:28
  chasing after me. You see how that works right
• 3:30
  there? You chase me and I get
• 3:32
  narcissistic supply. I feel superior.
• 3:34
  I feel like that I'm in control like it's absolutely not about
• 3:38
  safety here. Like with the avoided avoided it
• 3:40
  push you away because they want to be say they want to feel
• 3:42
  safe. A narcissist is pushing you away
• 3:45
  not to feel safe, but they want your submission.
• 3:48
  They want you reaching out to them.
• 3:50
  They want you pining after them. They want you clawing like
• 3:54
  crawling and clawing tooth and nail and tooth and claw to get
• 3:58
  back into their life. That's the one of the big
• 4:01
  differences right there. The intent matters.
• 4:03
  Now the impact can feel the same, but the intent matters and
• 4:08
  I'm not I'm not trying to tell you how to keep like if you
• 4:10
  haven't a person wanted to avoid an attachment that keeps hurting
• 4:12
  you, whether it be intentionally or not intentionally.
• 4:15
  I'm not telling you to stay with that person because sometimes it
• 4:17
  might get avoided. Narcissist.
• 4:18
  You got work on yourself. You can't keep hurting people.
• 4:20
  I didn't mean to hurt you. Well, you keep doing it over and
• 4:22
  over again, like a real avoidant.
• 4:25
  Yeah, they might feel ashamed and stuff like that.
• 4:27
  But if they keep doing the same thing over and over again, are
• 4:30
  you still wanting to be with this person?
• 4:32
  That's one of the things you have to answer right there,
• 4:34
  right? Because although intent matters,
• 4:36
  the impact can be the same. You can still be hurt, right?
• 4:41
  You'll still feel the hurt. But like I said, they're not
• 4:44
  intending to hurt you. So that might, you know, again,
• 4:46
  you got, you have to be the determinant.
• 4:48
  You have to be the ones who determine that if they're trying
• 4:51
  to hurt you or not right there, because if they if they're
• 4:53
  constantly doing the same thing on purpose and then sometimes
• 4:55
  you'll see that little smirk coming across their face.
• 4:58
  That means that they're doing it on purpose, right?
• 5:00
  That smirk means they're doing it on purpose.
• 5:02
  You want to see how I got this scar, that type of stuff right
• 5:05
  there. The next big difference, y'all
• 5:09
  is drumroll, please, The vulnerability.
• 5:12
  Vulnerability. I spoke about this a little bit
• 5:14
  earlier, but the vulnerability, the difference right here,
• 5:20
  y'all, if you were to let's just take this situation right here.
• 5:23
  If you were to sit down a narcissist and avoid it and try
• 5:26
  to tell them something, how would they react, right?
• 5:29
  If you sit down an avoiding person like you sit them down
• 5:32
  and say, hey, when you disappear on me, when you just go away,
• 5:38
  when I'm trying to talk to you, I'm trying to share something.
• 5:41
  I'm trying to tell you how I feel like when you disappear, it
• 5:44
  hurts me. It really does hurt me.
• 5:47
  A true avoided person will feel, will often feel real, authentic
• 5:52
  guilt, right? Even if they can't change
• 5:56
  immediately, they see your pain as a heavyweight that they
• 6:01
  themselves can't carry. They still don't want to
• 6:03
  necessarily deal with it, but they can recognize the fact that
• 6:06
  they're hurting you and what they're putting you through,
• 6:08
  right? If you sit them down and say
• 6:10
  something that's hurting them, they feel real shame and guilt.
• 6:13
  They do not attack you, right? They might get quiet and might
• 6:18
  turn red if you got a, if they, the skin tone allows for
• 6:22
  redness, right, Right. For visible redness, they might
• 6:26
  turn red on you and what not. Whatever the case may be, that
• 6:28
  could happen, you know. But a lot of times they'll sit
• 6:31
  there and feel shame and they'll, sometimes they'll try
• 6:33
  to reassure you. Sometimes they'll try to work on
• 6:34
  it, right? But again, sometimes they might
• 6:36
  still be trying to do do it again and again and again and
• 6:39
  what not. Now you talk to that, you talk
• 6:42
  to the avoiding person on the couch.
• 6:43
  Now you want to talk to that same to that narcissist on the
• 6:46
  couch. If you sit down and talk to the
• 6:47
  narcissist and you say the same thing to them like this.
• 6:50
  Hey, Mr. or Missus narcissist, you hurt me and I, you know, you
• 7:00
  really hurt me when you disappear on me, when you give
• 7:02
  me the silent treatment, when you treat me horribly, when you
• 7:04
  do this, when you do that, you really hurt me.
• 7:07
  The, you tell the narcissist that if you tell the narcissist
• 7:10
  you hurt them, they use that against you.
• 7:12
  Now they know the trigger, right?
• 7:15
  They use it as a weapon. They become, they become the
• 7:18
  Super defensive right? They see like they, they really
• 7:23
  will use your pain and your suffering as leverage.
• 7:27
  Like they don't use it as reason to change their behavior or
• 7:29
  reason to do anything different. They use it as leverage to do
• 7:33
  more, to keep doing the same thing over and over again.
• 7:36
  Why would I stop? You know, it gets to that space
• 7:39
  right there. Like, why would I stop doing
• 7:40
  things that I feel like I benefit from?
• 7:43
  That's how a lot of narcissists think right there.
• 7:45
  You know, this was why when you share certain things with a
• 7:48
  narcissist or a highly toxic person, they will just use it
• 7:52
  against you. It will come up later on, right?
• 7:54
  Right. You'll tell them that their
• 7:55
  silence hurts you. Like, can you please not be
• 7:58
  silent to me again? Can you please just communicate
• 7:59
  with me? I hate doing this.
• 8:00
  I hate when you go to bed angry and you don't want to talk.
• 8:04
  They'll keep doing it. They'll keep doing it.
• 8:06
  Sometimes they'll do it on purpose, right?
• 8:08
  You see, they'll, they'll do it on purpose and cover it as a
• 8:10
  joke. Like you could tell them I hate
• 8:12
  when we go to sleep angry and you don't talk to me.
• 8:14
  You don't wish me a good night. They might turn their back to
• 8:17
  you, you behind, right, you, the you, the big spoon, you like
• 8:20
  you. They might turn their back to
• 8:21
  you and be smiling, knowing that they're not saying anything to
• 8:24
  you. They're like, I know they hate
• 8:28
  when I don't talk to them. So I know they're feeling pain
• 8:31
  right now. I know they're hurting.
• 8:34
  I'm not going to say anything though.
• 8:35
  Now some of them after they've got their feel of narcissistic
• 8:39
  twisted supply, they'll say, oh goodnight by the way, like an
• 8:42
  hour after y'all been in the bed going to sleep.
• 8:44
  Oh goodnight by the way, Hope you had a good day.
• 8:47
  Or some of them will fall asleep and forget to do it and then
• 8:49
  they wake up in the morning and don't care.
• 8:54
  They don't care, man, that sucks.
• 8:56
  And there's this one of the big difference right there, y'all,
• 8:58
  another one of the final differences we're going to talk
• 9:00
  about, y'all is coming back, right?
• 9:02
  The return when they try to come back into a relationship or come
• 9:04
  back to you, like the avoidant, the avoidant person, they come
• 9:09
  back when the pressure is gone, right?
• 9:13
  Right. They come back when the
• 9:14
  pressure, they feel like the pressure is gone is usually
• 9:17
  quiet, awkward, and very slow. Like it's not a speed trap.
• 9:22
  They come back when they feel like things have settled down,
• 9:24
  when they feel like the volcano has stopped erupting, when they
• 9:27
  feel like the coast is clear. When they feel like they can
• 9:30
  come back and say and do whatever they need to do to get
• 9:32
  their needs met or they can come back into your life.
• 9:34
  That's what an avoiding person will do when they feel like the
• 9:36
  threat is This is going to sound stupid, but when they feel like
• 9:39
  the threat of intimacy is gone, they'll come back.
• 9:44
  They sound stupid, but that's how they even feel like when
• 9:47
  they feel like the threat of intimacy and being close is
• 9:49
  gone. This they'll pop back into your
• 9:50
  life like that. That's how the mind works.
• 9:52
  That's how a lot of narcissists work, right?
• 9:53
  I mean, a lot of avoidance work. That's not the that's not the
• 9:57
  narcissist. Now the narcissist, like if I as
• 10:01
  a narcissist, if I come back, I'm coming back with a bang,
• 10:06
  right? They I would love bomb you or I
• 10:10
  act like nothing happened, right?
• 10:13
  I act like nothing happened at all.
• 10:16
  It's either all or nothings most times, right?
• 10:19
  You either get a love bomb or you get nothing like my return
• 10:23
  as a narcissist in this situation, my return is about
• 10:26
  regaining supply, not building or rebuilding a connection,
• 10:31
  right? I don't attach.
• 10:35
  You see right there. This is like what I just said
• 10:37
  right there. It's kind of like Howard ever
• 10:40
  watched the movie and they say the title of the movie in the
• 10:44
  movie, like the movie, like the movie lead the weapon, like
• 10:47
  they'll be fighting and stuff like that.
• 10:49
  Like, Oh my goodness, this is really a lethal weapon.
• 10:52
  You know, like cut it to the camera or something like that.
• 10:54
  Oh my goodness, this is really Encanto, you say?
• 10:57
  Oh my goodness, it's really frozen out here.
• 11:02
  They'll do something like that. That does happen.
• 11:04
  So sometimes, like narcissists don't really attach.
• 11:07
  There's no attachment style here.
• 11:09
  It seems like they're attached. It's attachment adjacent, but
• 11:12
  it's not attached. They're not attached.
• 11:14
  They are there for supply, right?
• 11:16
  They just come, come, you know, just come to you for a little
• 11:20
  bit and come in and come and go. If they leave you and come back
• 11:23
  into your life, they're not building a connection.
• 11:25
  They're coming back into coming back into your life to get
• 11:27
  supply. You see, if they leave you and
• 11:30
  cheat on you and do something crazy, it didn't come back into
• 11:32
  your life, sleep with you and then leave again.
• 11:34
  They're not building a connection.
• 11:35
  They're just sleeping with you. They're just getting
• 11:37
  narcissistic supply, y'all. So in conclusion, y'all find out
• 11:40
  something a reality check right here, right?
• 11:42
  An avoided. An avoided needs space, right?
• 11:50
  A narcissist typically needs a victim.
• 11:52
  An avoided needs space. A narcissist needs a victim.
• 11:55
  So stop being a fixer for someone who is using their style
• 12:00
  like as a shield for their abuse.
• 12:02
  Narcissist will claim to be an avoidant, right?
• 12:05
  Or they'll claim to be an insecure.
• 12:07
  I have an insecure attachment style, anxious as that I have an
• 12:10
  anxious attachment style, right? I'm actually have a secure
• 12:13
  attachment style. You're you're to avoid it.
• 12:15
  You're the narcissist. They'll put it on T right there
• 12:17
  you go. So to stop letting people use
• 12:19
  their attachment style as a, as a elite, as a, as an excuse for
• 12:25
  abuse, right as a shield for their abuse.
• 12:27
  Like if they won't go to therapy and get help and they say if
• 12:32
  they, if they won't go to therapy and won't change their
• 12:35
  own behavior, won't work on their own behavior.
• 12:37
  The label does not matter. The result is the same.
• 12:40
  You are unhappy, you are being hurt, narcissist avoidant.
• 12:43
  Whoever it is, if they're not going to work on it, the end
• 12:46
  result is the same intent. Whatever the intent is, the
• 12:49
  impact might be the same at the end of the day.
• 12:51
  So you have to come to like, is that not going to go to therapy
• 12:54
  or not work on this attachment style, not work on not being
• 12:56
  abusive. You see how you had to deal with
• 13:00
  this person right now? That's that's typically what
• 13:02
  goes on y'all. So if you are going through it,
• 13:06
  you've been through it and there's somebody and avoiding
• 13:08
  attachment style, whatever. There's a book called, there's a
• 13:10
  book called attached by Amir Levine.
• 13:13
  Amazing book. I read a book called attached
• 13:15
  you. That book can wake you up to
• 13:17
  some things about like avoiding an attachment style, But I'm
• 13:20
  writing my own book about narcissist, so they can help you
• 13:22
  out as well. Y'all Anyway, y'all, if you
• 13:24
  found if you found this information helpful, make sure
• 13:27
  you drop a drop a drop the word clear in the comment section.
• 13:32
  Just say clear like you like, get reserved like you had to hit
• 13:36
  you with the paddles in the hospital, clear like you got
• 13:39
  shocked back up. Leave a lightning bolt.
• 13:40
  Don't even leave the word clear. Leave a lightning bolt 'cause
• 13:42
  you got shocked back to life. Also, if you got something from
• 13:45
  this video, hit the subscribe button.
• 13:47
  Check out my website mentalillness.net for all things
• 13:49
  like hammock. And as always, as always, mental
• 13:52
  as well, please.