Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / "The Grinch That Stole Everything"- Theo Von 😂😂😂

Transcript

"The Grinch That Stole Everything"- Theo Von 😂😂😂 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah, good to be here tonight, huh?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Nice little crowd, huh?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: You guys been having a good time?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: F yes, man.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Good to be here.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Just got back from New York City.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, buddy Bear.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh dude, people are so angry there.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: I said hello to a guy.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: He said no.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, man, who's your fun yada?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's where Mexicans keep their fun.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Got a nice crowd tonight, huh?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: A little bit of diversity.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Where are my white people at?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we're still here.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's our motto in America.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: They are phasing us out.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm serious.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Mexicans bang faster, blacks bang better.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody wants to bang white people anymore.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Not even other white people.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, Mexicans are serious.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: They procreate seriously.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Mexican woman will sneak into your nuts to get a baby.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Where my Mexican women at?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: You hear that?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Mating call.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, they want a baby every time.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: They for keeps.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: They want every f to grow up.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, even if you just jerk off by a Mexican girl, she'll try to like catch it in her fajita like that.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: They do that dance to make sure it's in there.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Ba-pa-da-da-da-da-da.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Baby already.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Mexican girl make a baby in an hour.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Got a vagina like a microwave.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I won't even masturbate some Mexican porn on my computer because my printer will just start printing off pictures of children.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, this is my son, Papelito.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's my daughter Pajinas.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: That means little paper and little pages.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Those jokes are for the kids.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hooked up with one Mexican girl like a year ago.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, what are we gonna name it?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, name it?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just taking my pants off.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Umborto.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a cute Mexican name?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: They are serious, man.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: They're sneaking in our country, too, these Mexicans.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not a few, like, you know, millions.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: I live on the beach in uh California.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I just go watch them come in in the morning just.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, those waves have luggage.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: They are sneaky.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: They could be tunneling under here right now.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Scat.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: You never know.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Finding unique ways to get in our country.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I bought a blow-up doll the other day, blew it up.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's a Mexican lady.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Made me blow up three of her kids.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: The inflatables family.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Living at my house.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, these mother f snuck in through my lungs.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Who else is here tonight, huh?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Where are my black people at tonight?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's what's up.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love black people.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to be black next time.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: It looks fun because you can wear anything you want.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Black guy looks good in anything.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see a black guy with that t-shirt down to here?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what size is that?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Forever?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I wear that, I look like a lesbian about to take a nap.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I look like Ellen at a slumber party.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Black guys have all the cool nicknames.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Doo-doo, Pookie, Duty Man, Snicker, Kit Kat, anything off the candy aisle.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Payday, 100 grand, Rolo.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh Henry, that's a gay black guy.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh Henry's O Henry.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Tartan Tiny, that's a little gay black guy.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: There go little Tartan Tiny looking for dicks.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Black people always have a good time.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was um I was in court the other day, and that's not the joke, people that are laughing, that's racism.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, black friends.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was in court the other day, and this black guy pleaded, my bad.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Yeah, dude, it is on in here, right?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I was up right after him for DUI, and I wanted to be cool, so I pleaded, blame it on the alcohol, and blame it on the weed, and uh that's when they got me for possession of marijuana.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: But I blame that on the black guy and uh and they re-arrested him.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: So that's that's the system.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta keep repping the struggle.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe black people can't swim yet, though.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all are fing around.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all the most athletic people on earth.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Can't y'all just run across the water?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like you think it would be easiest for black people because all they have to do is invent a dance move that would keep them above water.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Teach me how to Dougie paddle.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: All this water love me.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: All this, all this water love me.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: All this water love me.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Just got back from uh Indiana, which is Spanish for Indian.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: No, you're and I uh ran into a rental car issue while I was there, okay?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: I reserved the SUV, you know, because I want to look tough, you know, vehicularly.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I get there, they don't have my SUV.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: So they say they're gonna give me something similar, and that's Hebrew for we're gonna f you here, buddy.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: So they give me a PT Cruiser convertible.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Are you familiar with this stroller?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's not even like a car, it's like a trap for gays, really.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you park it somewhere and open the top, put a little bit of dick in the middle, then you wait.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: When the gays get in, you shut it on them, take them to the police.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Car, dude.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: I had to blow a guy just to get it to go in reverse.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not even gay, I just had to parallel park.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: So that took a while.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: I commend you, ladies.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know it was so hard to give head, you know?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: It looks easier from this end.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Thankfully, I wore my earplugs.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, just because, well, sucking is gay, but hearing yourself suck d that's really the gay part.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's only gay if you can hear it, right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Silent dicks all day.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I stayed up the other night watching something on television.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was like a public service announcement, you know, and it's like, you gotta help these kids, you know, and they show these kids and something's wrong with them.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like they're sewing pants for a penny a day in sweatshops.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, well, if they're sewing pants and they need help, like, why doesn't one of them sew a message for help into some pants?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if they got all day.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: But knowing us in America, that would just be like a new fashion statement.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, do you like these new I'm thirsty jeans?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: What are these?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, a lion ate my brother?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Ed Hardy?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: No, Fed Hartley.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: They're real nice.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're real nice.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I stand up the other night watching Nancy Grace.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I wish somebody would kidnap this bitch.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I don't like that.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Show is bull.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: The show, they sensationalize missing and molested kids to sell advertising dollars.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: They're not looking for these kids.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: The show comes on at 11 o'clock at night.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: They haven't found one kid.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's been on for 10 years.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, you give me a half hour and an eight ball, I'll find a missing kid right out here.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: The show comes on at 11 o'clock at night, and they're like, go look for kids.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I live in a nasty neighborhood.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: You go look for them.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: If I go looking for somebody, I might be the next missing person.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: This is a horrible idea, Nance.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, so I gotta tell you guys this story, alright?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a true story.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, so six months ago, I get a text message on my phone, okay?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's from a random phone number that I don't know.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's a Chicago area code.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I live in Los Angeles.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: It says, hey, it's Wanda.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I write back, Wanda Who?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: And she writes, Duh Wanda, yo cousin.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now I don't have any cousins.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Both my parents were only children.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I was like, holy, it'd be fun if I did, right?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I wrote back, what's up, Shawdy?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And she and I have been texting each other now for six months.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: She thinks I'm her cousin that lives in Los Angeles.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I actually have a godnephew now named Damari, who's gonna be two years old in about a week.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: So it's kind of like a big time for our family.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm like, this is so much fun.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna text every strange number in America because I have unlimited texting and I only work at night.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: So now I've texted over 20,000 numbers and gotten into the craziest conversations you can imagine.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm hiring people for Civil War reenactments, I'm running blood drives that don't exist.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: I've been in a relationship with one guy who thinks I'm a 22-year-old woman stuck at a mental health facility in Shawnee, Oklahoma.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's actually getting a little out of hand.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, I take the best conversations, I put them on this website, I started called cranktext.com, so you can check it out.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: But um, but people are always like, well, where do you get the numbers?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, Well, sharpshooter, you just make them up.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna read you guys one of the conversations real quick that I that I have.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I write, hey, what's up?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I just sent it out into the world, out into the ether.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I write, hey, what's up?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: This person writes, not much.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, new phone.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Who is this?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, it's Barry.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: He said, hey, I am good.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: How are you?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I'm great, got through the surgery fine.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Barry, I don't want to be rude, but I'm very bad with names.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I still can't remember you.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I forget things all the time.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: No biggie.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm still an ICU, just kinda lonely.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Barry, I think you have the wrong number, my friend.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Who gave you this as my number?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I've had it in my phone.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: You should see the new leg of technology.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Then he goes, Do you know what my name is?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to guess, so I just guessed, Ben.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, sorry, my friend, that's not me.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: But I hope you feel better soon.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: I said, man, me too.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: You ever been through anything like this?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because you gotta keep them going.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, No, not like that.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be okay.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I don't know, man.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like such a bitch.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, happens.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like you lose your keys.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Not like this.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: I said, easy for you to say, I'm out of f leg, homie.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Then he didn't write back, so I wrote, uh, I'm sorry, man, I'm just angry.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is hard for me.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have any advice?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You will get used to it.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, gotta run.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta run to a guy who had just lost his leg in intensive care.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's America.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Bag is sweating, or my ass is sweating up.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: You never know what the Lord's doing.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because we grew up in a real Christian home.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like if we jerked off, my dad made us bury it in the yard.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: That joke's for my brother.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: I know he would love that one.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: I need some money.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I need some.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta have money to get a woman, you know.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I get it, ladies.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know, who wants to bang some poor guy?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's nasty.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: You get done banging, you're just laying there all poor.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, can I get you a towel that doesn't match any of the other towels?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: What about some tap water, a hot pocket?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta have money, dude.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: This is how you catch a woman, too, okay?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: You get all your money and you put it in a big pile, in a big stack.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Stack your money.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then when a woman comes to get it, you snatch her.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's your wife.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Then you go live with her, and when she starts acting all crazy, you just take her back by that money, let her smell that money pile.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just splash some twenties on her.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's called wedlock, they call it.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta have money, man.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I want a bunch of money, you know, like f a little.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like a wallet.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: What the f I have that's like a filing cabinet for a poor person.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: I have that.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: I want to carry my money in a big sack, like the wrench that stole everything.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Have all the money, live like a gangster.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Do whatever you want.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: One of my buddies called me from home the other day from Louisiana.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, hey man, I got a new job, making 40k a year.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's cool, bud.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: If you wanna, you know, marry your high school girlfriend, have two kids, one of them fat, one of them got asthma, have a nice life, okay?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: That I want to do whatever I want to do.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: Live like a gangster, just walk around just shooting people, pop, pop, pop, pop.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: Apologize with money.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody lives like a gangster anymore, man.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: All the celebrities are afraid.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: Afraid to live how they want.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Michael Jackson, last good gangster millionaire they had on the planet.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Say what you want.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, he had some technical issues, but he did whatever he wanted to do.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, he had bison in his house.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wild animals.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: What do you have?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: A cat?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: He had bison.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: Bison, zebras, alpacas just running around his house, fr, eating furniture and okay.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine being like this.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Here, here, every time you want to sit on the sofa.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's some G s.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: He had a middle school under his bed, a small private academy.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's gangster.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying he did whatever he wanted to do, no matter what the media said about him, he did what he wanted to do.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: All these other celebrities are afraid, man.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: They're all afraid.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Afraid of what TMZ will think, entertainment tonight.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was a huge Brett Favre fan.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up 45 minutes from his house.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: We used to eat mushrooms, put on Favre jerseys, run around in his town, pretend we were him, okay?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: This dude got busted texting pictures of his penis to chicks with his phone.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, dude, why are you doing what I'm doing?
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you're Brett Favre.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: At least hire a nice artist to come and paint your penis up real nice, you know, just Ansel Adam some clouds behind it and mail that off to a woman.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Or just put your phone down and go f a chick.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: You're Brett Favre, dude.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: If you shave a little, I might jerk you off, buddy.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gay, but I'm a football fan.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: I just look the other way and ask him about the time he beat Detroit.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: It looked cold out there, sir.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Tiger Woods, he was the worst, dude.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: Tiger Woods, because he's an example of all of us.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: He's black, white, Asian, uh, islander, whatever, all wrapped up in a one cat named man.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: And he could have anything he wants in the world.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: He had all the money, you know?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: He could buy all of us.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he could.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: This is America.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: He could buy us.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes you think if you have all the money, everything will be perfect.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, all the kids are gonna have nice teeth or braces, everybody's gonna have nice hair or a wig, everybody's gonna be eating ham, and when there's no more ham, guess what?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Babao, extra ham.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: But he had all the money, could have anything he wants, and he's banging chicks.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: You are banging chicks?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like I make$52,000 a year.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm banging chicks.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's the tax bracket I'm in.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: But when I'm a billionaire, dude, all I'm fing is endangered species.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be f the last white owl.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: This owl sounds like a train.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: When I'm a billionaire, I'm finding other ways to get off.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna hire a bunch of Mexicans to come to my house every day, bury all my money in my yard, then dress up like pirates and dig it up.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Every day.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma fly up to space at night in a special shuttle, jerk off, and just come back to the house.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna call me the space jerker.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: This dude's banging shits.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: When I have my money, I'm gonna hire somebody to give a f.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Wouldn't that be nice?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: Wouldn't that be nice you hire just some random dude off the street to give a f for you?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's his job.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: So your wife comes home, she's all pissed.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, oh, you just gonna spend all our money at the casino and then park your truck in my flower bed?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be like, you need to talk to Todd.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: I will leave you two alone.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even gonna wear a bathing suit when I have my money.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna hire some random dude to walk in front of my dick like this on the beach.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: People be like, who is that?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's Gary, that's my new suit.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, tuck your thumb in, Gary.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want that crazy tan line.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Look like my penis has been hitchhiking for vaginas.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: This I'm gonna wake up every day when I got all my money, okay?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna have a bunch of little Asian babies come in my room, okay?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's the softest baby that the Lord makes.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: And they come in and I got their feet padded, so they extra quiet.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: And they've been caged up, so they veally, they real, real soft.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: And they come in and look, one of them has a drum, but I didn't buy him any sticks, so he just has to carry his drum.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: He's the angry one.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: And they come in and look, this is how they wake me up.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: The f the softest way to wake up in the world, they sprinkle cinnamon on me.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's gangster, son.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: When you go to bed at night and set your alarm clock to cinnamon Asians, then you f up and set it to brothers with nutmeg.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: They show up an hour late with no nutmeg.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys very much.