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186. 10 Things We Need To Start Normalizing In Our Marriages · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Amy: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Amy: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Amy: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Amy: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:42
  Nick: It's the 10 things we need to start normalizing in our marriages.
• 0:47
  Nick: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:52
  Nick: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: Welcome Welcome.
• 1:00
  Nick: All right, before we dive into the podcast topic, let's do a, would you rather?
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: These are found on the app under conversation right.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: Conversation starters, if you are new to our podcast and you haven't downloaded the Ultimate Intimacy app yet what are you waiting for?
• 1:20
  Nick: What are you?
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: waiting for.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: There is so much great stuff on there to help you connect emotionally, physically, intimately, spiritually, fix your communication or just spice up the communication.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: Spice up the bedroom, have more romance in your marriage, have more better foreplay in your marriage, have better disagreements and resolutions.
• 1:47
  Nick: Keep going, babe, keep going yeah.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: Have fun.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: More awesome conversations.
• 1:53
  Nick: Date night I did More date nights.
• 1:55
  Nick: More passion I did it in the bedroom Yada, yada, yada.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: That's why we created it More passion, and if you don't, if you haven't really listened to us yet.
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: Our motto is marriage should never be mediocre, which is why we created the app right.
• 2:13
  Nick: Yeah, all I'm going to say is, the first time I played the app and many times since was the best, the best ever, the best ever.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: Please leave it at that.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: It's good, it was awesome.
• 2:24
  Nick: So download the app ultimateintimacycom.
• 2:25
  Nick: Find out why everyone loves it.
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: And why we created it for ourselves first.
• 2:32
  Nick: That's right.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: I don't believe you should invent anything in this world unless it's something you want, and that's what we wanted, yeah, In fact, amy actually just said let's invent this app for us and if anyone else likes it, great.
• 2:45
  Nick: But we actually built the app for us and then we found out.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: So people liked it.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: Exactly, lots of people liked it Lots of people, so that's cool.
• 2:53
  Nick: All right, so would you rather we're going to throw this out to you, babe would you rather travel into the future together or travel to the past together?
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, that is such a hard question.
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: Can I change anything?
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: Do you think Like change the future?
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: I saw it.
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: No, you're just traveling.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: I just got to go look at it and then come back.
• 3:17
  Nick: Get to go have those experiences again.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: Oh, I would start marriage all over and do it again.
• 3:22
  Nick: You would.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: Yes, but traveling back doesn't mean you get to start over, it just means you get to see it or you actually get to do it again.
• 3:28
  Nick: I don't know.
• 3:29
  Nick: I don't know what it means Just travel into the future, this is why what do you rather?
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: conversations are so great, because then you can start being like what about this?
• 3:37
  Nick: It gets you talking exactly.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: What does that mean exactly?
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: What do you want it to mean?
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: Well, I would like it to mean that I get a redo.
• 3:47
  Nick: Okay.
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: Because then I can have more kids and buy more dogs.
• 3:51
  Nick: All right.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: No, nick's like no, no to me.
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: There are those, but I don't think I'd want to see the future, because then, if it was sad, I wouldn't want to see that, but maybe because of something I could change, that happened.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: Do you know what I'm saying?
• 4:07
  Nick: I know what you're saying, but you still haven't answered the question.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: I want to go back.
• 4:12
  Nick: You want to go back?
• 4:12
  Nick: All right.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: And do it again.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: I want to have my kids again.
• 4:17
  Nick: I would probably go back to and make some different decisions and change things.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: We want to sold all our real estate when the market crashed.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we all like look back and like I wish we wouldn't have done that.
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: I wish we wouldn't have done that.
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: I wish we would have done that we could all.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: We can't live like that.
• 4:37
  Nick: No, and I honestly like it is what it is.
• 4:40
  Nick: It was a learning experience.
• 4:41
  Nick: Yeah, there's things I wish we would have done differently, but it's over with nothing we can do we just have to move forward.
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: Life's good yeah.
• 4:49
  Nick: There's other opportunities.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 4:51
  Nick: Life is good, so yeah, I would probably rather travel the past and do some things again.
• 4:57
  Nick: Maybe do some things a little differently.
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: Well, and I'm kind of like, probably like most people, like I don't want to grow old, like I love our stage of life, like I look forward to retirement, but I don't want to get any older than that, yeah.
• 5:09
  Nick: I don't think you need to worry about that.
• 5:11
  Nick: I've had like five people at the grocery store ask if Amy's my daughter, so apparently.
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: I.
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: It's only because you're balding it's only because you're balding.
• 5:21
  Nick: I think there's more than that reason.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: No.
• 5:24
  Nick: I think it looks.
• 5:25
  Nick: You look like you're like 25.
• 5:26
  Nick: I look like I'm like apparently 60.
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: No, that's not true.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: So I think they were blind.
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: I think the people were blind.
• 5:33
  Nick: I was very nice of you to make that excuse for them.
• 5:36
  Nick: Six people blind.
• 5:37
  Nick: I gotta see one person like six people when they're all like oh, you have a beautiful daughter, or that's your daughter, I know that's my wife.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: Oh, thanks, babe, Anyways, so, Okay, so we'll ask your spouse that tonight, if you need a good conversation.
• 5:56
  Nick: That's right, all right.
• 5:57
  Nick: So let's dive in the 10 things we need to start normalizing in our marriages.
• 6:02
  Nick: Can?
• 6:03
  Amy: you guess?
• 6:04
  Nick: No, I haven't read this list.
• 6:05
  Nick: I really I have no idea what, where it's going, what we're going to be talking about.
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: I like it when I get to prepare the podcast topic, because I give him.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: Well, you don't really give it to me.
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: Like vice versa.
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: We like one of us to be like have no idea what it's going to be about, so it's like totally Ross.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: Guest stage fright, but Nick will usually write more down and I'll be like here's the 10 things, we're just going to go for it and you don't even know what they are today.
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: So number one so these are things that, like, we need to realize that it's normal and okay for these things and to have a good marriage.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: These things are normal.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: You can still do these things or not do some of these things and still have a great marriage, or you need to do these things, have a great marriage.
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: So we're going to start with number one, which is needing space.
• 7:01
  Nick: Yeah, I agree.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: Needing space.
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: We don't get a lot of that.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: We don't.
• 7:06
  Nick: And our marriages may be different than other people Like.
• 7:08
  Nick: I think you know everyone's different.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: We don't need a lot of space Occasionally, you know there are days it's like okay, it'd be good, why don't you go do something for a little while?
• 7:18
  Nick: Get the hell out of the house for the day.
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: That's not quite what I say.
• 7:22
  Nick: Get out of the house.
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: It's good to have your own space and for some personalities that are really controlling, it's good for them to hear this.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: Your spouse needs their own time.
• 7:37
  Nick: Obviously you're making a great point, because everyone's going to be different, like in a certain relationship.
• 7:41
  Nick: If you have a spouse, it's just maybe a little more.
• 7:44
  Nick: What's the word I'm trying to say Are?
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: you thinking of controlling or the opposite?
• 7:49
  Nick: Maybe, yeah maybe more controlling right, there's going to be certain personalities and certain things that are going to require maybe more distance or more space once in a while, or time away or other interests or whatever.
• 8:02
  Nick: And, like I said, I think for a lot of couples, a lot of couples absolutely could not make it spending as much time together as you and I do.
• 8:11
  Nick: Yeah, no way but for us it works, because Amy and I love spending time together.
• 8:15
  Nick: She's my best friend.
• 8:16
  Nick: I'd rather spend time with Amy than anyone else, so for us it just works perfect.
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: But we also both have passive, chill personalities, don't you think?
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: Nobody really gets upset?
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: Nobody really.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: We're just lucky to have pretty easygoing personalities.
• 8:34
  Nick: And we do get away.
• 8:35
  Nick: We have our interests, that I do my thing sometimes.
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: Well, he'll go run errands and he'll go, do you know, just to get out of the house for a few hours, and that's great.
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: I think that's really important.
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: So the whole aspect of this one needing space is for couples to know that don't get offended if your spouse is like I just need to leave for a couple hours, I just need to be alone for a couple of hours, it's normal.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: It's normal, like we come from being independent, and then all of a sudden we're married and no matter how long you've been married, you still have to be your own person, like yeah, it's, totally.
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: I realized that when we lost my dad, my parents were in their fifties and my mom, you know, had been married a long time and we just never know when our spouse isn't going to be there anymore.
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: And I don't mean to make it sad or whatever, but it's just like we still have to be our own person, like we can't let go of that independence and our personalities and our dreams and our hobbies, like we still kind of have to.
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: We're one but we're still ourselves.
• 9:42
  Nick: Yeah, so it's totally normal that it needs some independence to have that space that you need, totally normal.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: Totally healthy in a good balance.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: Not all the time, not too many hours.
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: I don't think a man needs to go play golf every Saturday for six hours.
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: I'm just saying there's balance in all things, so talk about it.
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: Come up with that healthy boundary for your marriage.
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: The next one that we need to normalize in our marriage relationships is having disagreements.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, nick's taking a drink.
• 10:22
  Nick: I used to think and I've said this before I used to think or look at couples that were arguing or things like that, and you immediately, that's all you see and you're like, oh, they must not have the best relationships because they're arguing, but it is totally normal.
• 10:35
  Nick: In fact, it's healthy to have disagreements.
• 10:38
  Nick: If you never have disagreements or never have a conflict, something's probably wrong with your marriage or it doesn't mean that you care enough about something to have those.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: Somebody's being walked all over.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure or their opinion is not being valued Right.
• 10:56
  Nick: And eventually that person's just going to blow up.
• 10:58
  Nick: It's going to be like all that stuff building up.
• 11:01
  Nick: So if you are a couple that has disagreements or arguments, you're totally normal.
• 11:07
  Nick: Now it's how you handle those disagreements.
• 11:09
  Nick: Are you yelling or are you putting each other down?
• 11:12
  Nick: That's when obviously it can become toxic or bad.
• 11:17
  Nick: But it's totally normal to have disagreements.
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: It's actually healthy to have disagreements.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: Like Nick said, it's the way you handle them.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: It's the way you talk to each other.
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: I remember us watching a show I don't remember what show it was, but they had couples and then there was a it wasn't the one we're watching, but something it was a long time ago and they had a marriage.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: Therapist come in and the couple never fought and the therapist asked the wife you don't have any disagreements?
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: No, we have a lovely marriage.
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: That's bad for your marriage.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: You need to be having disagreements because that means you're both being yourselves and you're both sharing your feelings, and I'll never forget that it's healthy to disagree.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: We disagree all the time.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: We're two different person.
• 12:05
  Nick: But we don't let it blow up in big arguments, right?
• 12:07
  Nick: It's like yeah, I totally respect that she sees something different and she respects that I do.
• 12:12
  Nick: So how do we meet in the middle?
• 12:14
  Nick: I mean, we have different ways we might parent a certain child, we have different thoughts on different things, but at the end of the day we try to come together and find that balance.
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah and it's not yeah.
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: It's about working as a team and finding that solution.
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: So, yes, having disagreements needs to be normalized.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: It's healthy.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: The next one is making mistakes and apologizing.
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: We have to normalize that.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: Making mistakes is human.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: No matter how good your marriage is, nobody's ever going to be perfect You're still going to bug each other and let your ego go yes, you know.
• 12:56
  Nick: Instead of trying to have to be right about everything, let your ego go and say you know what, I made a mistake, I said something I shouldn't have, or whatever it is, and apologize.
• 13:07
  Nick: You have no idea how much that will mean to your spouse to be able to acknowledge that, yeah, you're not perfect.
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: And, speaking of that, I don't remember the actual comment you made, but you always talk about you don't know how I feel.
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: And I don't know how you feel because feelings aren't something that you can argue with.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you can't argue with feelings.
• 13:33
  Nick: You can never argue with how someone feels, because, no, you can't.
• 13:37
  Nick: There's no facts, it's just how they feel.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 13:42
  Nick: And yeah, so You're not going to expand on that?
• 13:45
  Nick: No, I think that's good, but it's true Like yeah.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: Like, if you're always feeling like I'm the right one, though, and you're the wrong one, or vice versa, that's not going to take you anywhere.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: So we need to normalize that.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: We're going to have different feelings and we're gonna make different mistakes, and okay, we need to apologize.
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: Apologizing can be really hard, especially when someone does have an ego.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, really we did an entire episode on pride right like good, good episode.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: The next one is adjusting to change.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: What would that?
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: What would that mean to you?
• 14:21
  Nick: Well, it could be like moving somewhere or change with a job, or change with, maybe, us Life circumstance.
• 14:31
  Nick: I mean we.
• 14:31
  Nick: We have someone here close to us that Got into a car accident.
• 14:36
  Nick: He's now paralyzed and his whole life's been changed.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: right, his marriage has been changed.
• 14:41
  Nick: Yes, so yeah, I mean Understanding that change is going to happen in your marriage, whether you like it or not.
• 14:48
  Nick: There's gonna be times where you're gonna go through difficult times.
• 14:51
  Nick: You're gonna lose a job, you might have financial issues, you might have health issues.
• 14:54
  Nick: Change is going to happen, but being able to accept it or adapt to that change, and be be there for your spouse during that change, like we are Oldest son.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: Our oldest son or oldest child, who is our son, our only son.
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: They say that right, our oldest son.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: We only have one son.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: He just moved out and that was a really really big and hard change on our family.
• 15:18
  Nick: Mm-hmm.
• 15:18
  Nick: Yeah, so death in the family.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: It was weird because like he's gone for quite a while and he's never like we sold all his stuff, like his furniture is gone, like this has been really rough on us.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: He's like our piano player, he's like like our house feels different and he's not moving back in, probably ever.
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: So his stuff is like that was a big change for and so it could be a little change.
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: It could be a massive change, it could be but change can oftentimes be a good thing, right.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: But you have to be emotionally there for each other, like it's nice to know when your spouse can hold you or hug you or comfort you, because change is inevitable, yeah right.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: The next one is setting boundaries has to be normalized, and I know we talk about this all the time.
• 16:06
  Nick: Yeah, and it's amazing how many people just think that we're absolutely crazy, like, oh, you don't trust your spouse if you trust it or you want to have those.
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: I think most Couples most healthy understand boundaries?
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: No, but you have to have boundaries.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: I would hope so that some we're not just talking like with the opposite sex or social media or like big ones.
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: We're talking about like it's important to have boundaries with your parents, with your sister and Brother, with your friends, with your kids sleeping in your bed, like little stuff that makes a big impact.
• 16:44
  Nick: Yeah, and if you haven't set boundaries, that doesn't mean every little thing has to have a boundary, but at least like talk to them.
• 16:50
  Nick: But if you haven't set boundaries on the big things, it's not.
• 16:54
  Nick: It's not a matter of if you're gonna have an issue, it's a matter of when.
• 16:57
  Nick: I Really believe that on a boundary on big things, yeah, on big boundaries, right.
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: Absolutely Okay.
• 17:06
  Nick: We're not gonna Do this with the opposite sex or we're not going to Spend over this much money without talking to each other or whatever, that is right I posted something this week on boundaries and I had a comment from a man yesterday.
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: He said my wife came to me at the beginning of our marriage and Wanted to discuss boundaries and putting boundaries in place and she's like I brushed her off.
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: I didn't realize how important boundaries were.
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: He's like we are now divorced and I wish so bad I would have sat down and had that conversation with her.
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: I was like that's pretty awesome number one for him to admit that.
• 17:45
  Nick: But it just shows you like that's huge, like it's so, and it should be normal to sit down and have those conversations, say, okay, what?
• 17:53
  Nick: What are we gonna agree on that's acceptable in our marriage and what's not acceptable, and how are we gonna deal with these things?
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: and even like, and even boundaries, like when you're disagreeing or Fighting, like we just talked about.
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: Like we have boundaries in our marriage around just that.
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: Like I'm not gonna Yell and raise my voice or walk out on you or use the word divorce or swear, like I mean whatever works for your marriage.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: Like, I think, having boundaries around respect also.
• 18:23
  Nick: Yeah, very important.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: So let's make normalizing, setting boundaries just a part of marriage.
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: The next one is engaging in difficult and awkward Conversations.
• 18:35
  Nick: Oh, that's a huge one.
• 18:36
  Nick: That's been a game changer for us.
• 18:38
  Nick: Like I mean top, whether it's talking about sex or your sex expectations.
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: Finances financing.
• 18:44
  Nick: You have to engage in those hard Conversations.
• 18:47
  Nick: A lot of couples just think all that, you know it's just gonna start an argument or you know we'll just sweep it under the rug if.
• 18:55
  Nick: If you're not engaging in those tough conversations, man, just telling you from past experience, it's, it's gonna create, potentially create, a lot of problems.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: You cannot sweep anything under a rug when you're married.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: Have you learned that?
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: I've learned, yeah, and I mean, it just feels up early on in our marriage.
• 19:16
  Nick: I totally did that.
• 19:17
  Nick: I was just like I don't want.
• 19:18
  Nick: I don't want to argue about this.
• 19:20
  Nick: Therefore, I'm just gonna pretend it's not an issue until it comes up the next time it blows up and becomes a major.
• 19:27
  Nick: Yeah and and I will say that that personality trait of mine probably almost caused us to get divorced because I just I Didn't want to talk about things now aiming.
• 19:41
  Nick: I talk about everything.
• 19:42
  Nick: We probably talk about too much, but I would rather err on that side than not Talking about things enough, and I think, for me anyways, it was a big fear of talking about those things.
• 19:55
  Nick: But once I got over that fear and realized how beneficial it was to have these vulnerable conversations and talk about really scary things and see that oh, didn't end up bad, it actually improved things a lot, improve things a lot.
• 20:11
  Nick: Um, I yeah, but it took that.
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: For sure.
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: I was thinking I was trying to think of a good, like a good example of awkward conversation.
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: Oh, okay, I've got one.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: So a couple episodes ago maybe the one where we were going a little back and forth with each other, we were just having a discussion but 10 years ago Nick would have never looked at me and said your libido drive is low, it kind of sucks and let's fix it.
• 20:42
  Nick: He would never do that, Never, ever ever.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: But if you all heard, like a month ago he sat in the car and that was a few months ago, yeah, it was a few months ago, and he's like do you think maybe we should get your levels checked?
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: Are you feeling, do you have energy?
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: Because, like, let's fix your sex drive and that's really like forward for you.
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: Oh, no question.
• 21:04
  Nick: And her reaction was like oh, you just want to have more sex.
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: I was like no, I truly care, yeah, kind of that's by me no it wasn't more, it was more.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: I want you to really get that drive back, because you used to have that when you used to have something, and then you lose something.
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: You see the difference, right?
• 21:20
  Nick: Yeah, because early on it was like we would be out on date night and Amy's like let's go park the car and make love.
• 21:26
  Amy: I did.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: Like she was, like I did.
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: I had a high drive.
• 21:30
  Nick: A lot of times initiating with me and pulling me out of my comfort zone, like, oh, let's go park behind the bread company.
• 21:37
  Nick: And then the semi pulls up over.
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: Okay enough.
• 21:40
  Amy: My point is is early on in our marriage.
• 21:44
  Nick: she was very much a higher desire spouse, and so you know obviously what man wouldn't want that to.
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: But I'm just saying I respect the fact that, even if sometimes you bring up stuff that I'm like, really, or I don't love the conversation or I feel like the finger might be pointed at me in a certain way, I respect that you're willing to have that conversation and it's good for me to sit back and be like, okay, maybe I do need to get help or maybe I do need to look into this.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: It is affecting you and if it's affecting him, I love him.
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: I want to fix something that's causing some kind of issue, because that's what marriage is.
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: So my point in this one is is normalizing, not just engaging in those difficult conversations or awkward conversations, but to also engage in stepping back and letting go of that awkward pride and be like, okay, you're trying to point something out that's affecting you.
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: We have to normalize, like realizing that maybe we are doing something or could try a little harder or could put a little bit more effort in certain areas, like that's what a good marriage takes is both people accepting that maybe they need to try a little harder.
• 23:00
  Nick: Yeah, and I really believe, like if it's something that's important to you, it should be important to your spouse, and vice versa, like if something's important to Amy and it has no importance to me because it's important to her, I should pay attention to that Right.
• 23:17
  Nick: Like if you say, you know, this little thing bothers me, and I'm just like, oh, it's the most ridiculous thing ever.
• 23:25
  Nick: Why would that bother you?
• 23:26
  Nick: Because it is important to her, or because something bothers her, it should be important to me as well too.
• 23:33
  Nick: And so I think what you're saying is, like you know, having those conversations, like if you know, if we're talking about those things, if it's important to me or important to you, it should be important to both of us.
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: Well, that leads us to our next one, which is it's normal to sometimes struggle to maintain the emotional intimacy in your marriage.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: If your emotional intimacy and your connection is not feeling amazing all the time, that's normal, that is totally normal.
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: Like even me and Nick have really high times and not so high times, I don't think we ever go like low.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: But like I mean our intimacy or emotional intimacy in our connection kind of goes up and down like every other relationship.
• 24:27
  Amy: Like every marriage, it's called life.
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: It's called life, like every marriage, has to maintain that, and when you feel like it's getting a little less, that's where you're like oh, we need to step it up.
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: Maybe we need to, like we just talked about, get in the shower and have some conversations and less distracted time, or up our date night or up our fun level, like whatever that is right.
• 24:49
  Nick: Yeah, for sure, and I think I think most couples just I don't want to say most couples, but I think a lot of couples just say oh, that's just the way it is.
• 24:59
  Nick: When you get married, things change, there's nothing you can do.
• 25:03
  Nick: That's just the way it is.
• 25:04
  Nick: Oh, when you get married, intimacy is not going to be good because a ring went on the finger.
• 25:08
  Nick: Or when you get married, this is just what you have kids.
• 25:11
  Nick: This is the way it is.
• 25:12
  Nick: Everyone makes so many excuses that, oh, that's just what happens when you get married.
• 25:17
  Nick: Well, no, you have to continuously put forth effort and work together, and things can be amazing when you put forth the effort and work together on things.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: So we need to normalize maintaining emotional intimacy.
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: It takes effort all the time, all the time.
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: The next one we need to normalize that having needs met outside, having needs met outside the relationship.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: So there are certain things like even though Nick is literally my best friend, I still get other needs met from having my girlfriends or from having my extended family.
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 26:05
  Nick: I'm not good at gossiping, so you got to go to your.
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: Oh gosh, no I'm totally joking.
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: I hope men don't think the other one like that.
• 26:13
  Nick: No, that was a bad joke.
• 26:14
  Nick: I'm sorry, I'm totally joking.
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: Is that one of those moments like you say something?
• 26:18
  Nick: and you're like yeah, yes, yeah, oops, sorry.
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: Not all women gossip, many do.
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: I was trying to make a funny joke, but yeah no, there's definitely times where I think that women I hope that most women are not gossiping, especially about their spouse that to us is like a big no, like a big no.
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: But there's something that women can bring to other women, or like my relationship with my kids, there's just different relationships that do need to be met outside of the marriage.
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: Also, that makes a person healthy and balanced, and so this would more imply to someone that's more controlling.
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: I don't know, I don't love that word, but there are relationships where a spouse almost doesn't want that other person to have other relationships and that's very toxic.
• 27:09
  Nick: Yeah, Like for me, I enjoy playing pickleball, but it's not necessarily that I enjoy playing pickleball, but going out and being around people that I know and having fun together.
• 27:21
  Nick: It's more of like the relationships and things like that.
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but relationships with men and women need relationships with women, but they can't overtake your marriage Like that's.
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: It just has to be a healthy balance.
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: But it is important to have some of your needs met outside of your marriage.
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: That is okay.
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: The next one is that your spouse.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: We just need to normalize that.
• 27:47
  Speaker 3: We're totally different from each other.
• 27:50
  Amy: I think we get that.
• 27:51
  Nick: I think most people get that right and that's okay yeah.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: But I think it's more normalizing and like embracing that we're different, Instead of trying to change your spouse or I wish he was more like me, or I wish he had the same goals or the same hobbies Like embracing those differences, like that's what actually makes a marriage stronger is being different.
• 28:08
  Nick: Yeah, and you bring up a great point.
• 28:10
  Nick: In fact, I think we're gonna do podcasts on this in the future.
• 28:12
  Nick: But it's totally normal to have those differences, your core values, your big things.
• 28:19
  Nick: you absolutely have to have the same things on Like for example like yeah, whether it's religious beliefs or how you're gonna raise your kids, or maybe even political beliefs, like there's certain big things that you really have to both kind of be in agreement on for your marriage to work.
• 28:39
  Nick: But we would say that these are little things, like who cares if I like golf and my wife likes pickleball?
• 28:45
  Nick: Or who cares if we have these little hobbies or different things that we like to do on our own?
• 28:51
  Nick: Like that's actually very healthy.
• 28:53
  Nick: As long as the big core values, the big things in life, our goals, are in alignment, it's okay to have those little things be different.
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: For sure.
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: I think it helps us grow.
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: I always say marriage is like the biggest test that we're put in the test of life.
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: I really think it comes down to marriage, because it's not easy and you're taking a man and a wife who are created.
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we always say we're a lot alike, but we are very, very different too.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: Our bodies are different, our sex drives are usually different, our backgrounds are different.
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: Like here we go you put two opposite, usually people together and you're like good luck, enjoy each other and make sure you stay connected and intimate all the time.
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: Like that's hard, like I really think it's one of the biggest tests of life, so like.
• 29:45
  Nick: It is Well.
• 29:46
  Nick: So we've had a couple of contestants from Married at First Sight really love our app and use our app and share our app on their platforms and so we've seen a couple of those Married at First Sight and things like that.
• 30:00
  Nick: And what amazes Amy and I is like how much they like okay, they get married but how much these little teeny things that you would think would be very minute.
• 30:13
  Nick: You're so dumb Pretty much just destroy the relationship and it's crazy, Crazy, like just the little differences and also, you know, getting back to what Amy said, like how different we are.
• 30:27
  Nick: You watch it and you're like these people should be able to get along and thrive, but they're just a disaster or a mess because of just the little things that they just can't get over.
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you just got to normalize, letting those little things go, yeah for sure.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: And the last one I have is imperfection.
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: That's big, like in perfection with, like your spouse, like I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, marriage isn't perfect, my kids are perfect, my life's not perfect and society, like I'm just gonna be honest sucks at this.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: Now, Like we think that everyone's lives are so perfect.
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: Are we like the grass is always greener, or my husband should be making this much money, or I should be making this much money, or my kids should be accomplishing this, or our marriage should be so great?
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: Life doesn't work like that.
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: We only have so much control, you know.
• 31:28
  Nick: And your life and your experiences are gonna be completely different than your neighbors or someone that maybe you're saying I wish I had the life they had.
• 31:36
  Nick: Like we all have different backgrounds and experiences and things and interests and so your life isn't going to be like theirs.
• 31:45
  Nick: Your marriage isn't gonna be like theirs.
• 31:46
  Nick: Make your marriage what you want it to be together.
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: And quit trying to make your spouse perfect.
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: Your spouse is just a human being, like you are.
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: I think I have compassion with you because you're pretty close to perfect.
• 32:04
  Nick: Yeah right, geez that's ridiculous, but I know.
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: I'm far from perfect too.
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: I can't expect you to be perfect.
• 32:10
  Nick: I'm not perfect.
• 32:10
  Nick: I don't know what you're talking about.
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: I'm not perfect, like I, but we just it's okay.
• 32:16
  Nick: It's okay.
• 32:17
  Nick: That's why I love you.
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: I don't wanna be married to someone that's perfect.
• 32:20
  Nick: I think it's because we try to look at each other's positive attributes instead of focusing on the negative.
• 32:27
  Nick: You and I have probably as many things that could bug each other as the average couple does, but I think you and I try to look at the positives that we have in each other rather than the negatives.
• 32:41
  Nick: I think it's so easy If you wanna look for the negatives in your spouse, you're always gonna find something, and if you're focused on the negatives, you're gonna be focused on that one or two or the three negative things that they have versus the 97 positive things that they have.
• 32:58
  Nick: I believe it's just all a matter of perception.
• 33:01
  Nick: It's not that we don't have things that maybe bug each other or we don't have things that we could look for that are negative.
• 33:08
  Nick: It's just we choose not to focus on those Because we recognize we are different and we are who we are.
• 33:15
  Nick: And why am I gonna let some little thing and who's to say it's a negative right, like, just because I think something doesn't mean that's the way it is, right, like I mean, or vice versa?
• 33:31
  Nick: So I think what I'm saying is, with your spouse, really try to focus on the positive.
• 33:37
  Nick: Really look at the glass half full versus half empty, and if people can do that, the negatives will become so inconsequential you won't even recognize the negatives at that point.
• 33:50
  Speaker 3: True Good ending.
• 33:53
  Nick: I don't know.
• 33:54
  Nick: I just I look at you and I'm like you have so many amazing qualities and so many things Like why would I even wanna like focus on?
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: other things.
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: Pick at the little stuff.
• 34:05
  Nick: Yeah.
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: I think after 21 years you're just like that is not even worth bringing up.
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: No.
• 34:11
  Speaker 3: That doesn't even matter in the long scheme of things.
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: I think the more mature you get, the more like that doesn't matter, that doesn't matter, I don't care how you do that, I don't care that you do that Like it's just there's such.
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: I think once you start hitting like real hard things in your life, those little things don't matter.
• 34:29
  Nick: Yeah, and so like obviously everyone has little things that their spouses do that they're like, oh, I wish they would chase this or I wish they would do that, but at the end of the day, like I said, it's not even worth worrying about.
• 34:47
  Nick: Like it's just like not even worth investing the time or the energy.
• 34:51
  Nick: And like who really cares?
• 34:53
  Nick: Like if they do something different than what I would like, if Amy does something a different way than what I would do, like at the end of the day, it doesn't mean someone's right or wrong, it really doesn't matter.
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: I look at marriage like you bring such a certain aspect and personality to our marriage and I bring a different perspective and aspect to our marriage and I'm appreciative that we're different.
• 35:21
  Nick: Yeah.
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: And that we're both not perfect, but we're literally just trying to grow and pass this test together, right, like I feel like that's a beautiful thing is to be able to work together and only not have too high of expectations, but to, I don't know, just growing together.
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: That's what's beautiful about marriage is we're just humans together trying to have this beautiful life together, and it takes a lot of work and patience.
• 35:48
  Nick: Well, and rather than trying to convince Amy to do things like I do or a certain way, or vice versa, like I recognize that I have weaknesses and where my weaknesses are Amy's strengths, and so, as we're together as a team and working as one, I can say I'm really weak in this area, but she's really strong in this area and she can help me in that weak area, and vice versa.
• 36:15
  Nick: I mean, it really is amazing how, if you work together, you can recognize that each other have different strengths and different weaknesses, but as one, you can become very, very strong by bringing together your strengths and your weaknesses.
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think that a lot of couples get held up on that like petty crap that just causes little conflicts, that doesn't need to be halved.
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: Like Nick is like this is just a really dumb example.
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: But the way he cleans up the kitchen, like I just he like he's amazing.
• 36:55
  Speaker 3: Empty dishwasher sucks at doing dishes though, cause he leaves half of them still in the sink and then he takes a paper towel and he like dabs a few spots on the counter.
• 37:03
  Speaker 3: He just was not taught to clean.
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: Like I'm like deep cleaning not his thing at all.
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: So at first to the marriage, it kind of bugged me.
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: I'm like why are you wasting another paper towel?
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: Get a rag and really clean the counter?
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: There's syrup all over it.
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: I'm the kind of person that's gonna get out the lice all, get out the hot water and the dish soap and I'm gonna scrub that counter down.
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: He's just gonna like tap it with a paper towel.
• 37:25
  Speaker 3: Okay, I mean, that's a really dumb example.
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry there's things that I do that totally bug him.
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: But the fact is is like okay, he has found what he's really good at and I've been like he's so amazing at doing this.
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: So on Saturdays I deep clean the kitchen, he goes and out some deeps clean the yard, cause he's amazing at that, and so what we've done is, instead of like nitpicking at those kind of things, like you do something different than I do and I have, believe me, I have friends or slash family members that nitpick at those kind of things and I watch it wreck their marriage.
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: So I'm like I'm not gonna be bugged.
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: I'm not gonna be bugged by little stuff like that.
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: If I'm better at something and I want it done my way, I'm gonna appreciate that he does this other thing a different way and that he's really good at that.
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: So we've found our roles, we've found our place, and it's all just about being grateful to things that they do really good at and me knowing that I have certain things that I like done and vice versa, and we just work together as that team.
• 38:26
  Speaker 3: I think we need to normalize working together as a team.
• 38:30
  Nick: Yeah, agree 100%.
• 38:31
  Nick: So I thought that list was really good about just the things that couples need to start normalizing in their marriage, and I think that's true.
• 38:39
  Nick: I think oftentimes we look at things and say, well, if we aren't like this, then it's wrong.
• 38:46
  Nick: Or if we're doing this, then it's wrong.
• 38:48
  Nick: And no, you're totally normal just like everyone else and shouldn't be yourself up over it.
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, absolutely yeah.
• 39:00
  Nick: Anything to end on Any other thoughts or comments.
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: No, no, I yeah, we just named it normalize more positivity is really what it comes down to.
• 39:09
  Nick: I agree.
• 39:09
  Nick: Start looking at things half full versus half empty and just really change your attitude and perception about things and it can change your marriage in a really good way.
• 39:18
  Speaker 3: Your mindset can change your marriage with that.
• 39:23
  Nick: Yeah, so we hope you enjoyed the podcast and, I guess, as always, until next time, hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.