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When You Can’t Fix It: How Relational Intelligence Changes Motherhood · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Motherhood Uncut Podcast, where we talk honestly about the reality of motherhood.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Kate Kripke.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for mothers to feel seen, heard, and understood, especially those navigating the intersection of raising young kids while also maintaining passions, purpose, and work outside of motherhood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's called Uncut because we do not hold back here.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Through expert conversations, personal stories, practical tools, and honest reflection, we explore what it means to care for ourselves, stay connected to our kids, and remember that we can feel hard things and still be okay.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad you're here.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the harder you try to figure it out, the more frustrated you become.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what if the problem isn't that you don't know enough or that you're not doing the right things?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: What if the moment you're in is actually asking something very different of you?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Throughout my career, I've worked with thousands of mothers, and many of them are these incredibly smart, capable, uber successful women.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I've noticed something really, really fascinating.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: The skills that help these women succeed in so many areas of their lives can actually make certain parts of motherhood harder.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because motherhood doesn't always respond to our ability to plan and solve problems or get things right.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it asks us to do something entirely different.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what we're talking about today.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna introduce you to something called relational intelligence.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a different kind of intelligence that helps us stay connected to ourselves and our children, even when the things that we are doing or the experiences we're having or reality itself as it is is really hard, uncomfortable, or completely outside of our control.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to talk about why I believe developing this capacity can fundamentally change how we experience motherhood and how our kids experience us.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the most important thing we can do for our kids is not to figure out how to fix what's happening, it's to learn how to stay with them while whatever that thing is happening is happening.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about it.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so if you're listening to this podcast and finding yourself thinking, yes, this is exactly how I feel, I want you to know that you do not have to navigate the season alone.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: The women I work with are deeply thoughtful, capable, ambitious mothers who care tremendously about their children and also about the work, passions, relationships, and purpose they hold outside of motherhood.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: But motherhood has a way of asking things of us that many of us were never prepared for.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: The uncertainty, the lack of control, the intensity of loving someone this much.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere along the way, anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, and the constant need to figure things out can start pulling us away from the life that's actually happening right in front of us.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: The Calm Connection Experience is my 12-week program designed to help you change that.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Together we work on building your capacity to stay present and connected, even when things feel uncertain, uncomfortable, or different from what you expected.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: So you can respond to your kids, to your life, and to yourself in ways that actually reflect the woman and mother you want to be.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: If you're hearing this and thinking, I want that, then I'd love to talk with you.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can book a call with me using the link in the show notes.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: We will talk about what's feeling hard for you right now, what you want to be different, and whether the calm connection experience might be the right next step for you.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the women having the hardest time in new motherhood were these incredibly capable women.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: They were women who knew how to figure things out.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they were so smart and they were driven.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: These were women who were used to being able to take a problem and understand it and do something about it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then they became mothers and suddenly they were living inside an experience that did not always respond to those skills.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like the baby was crying and they didn't know why, or something worked yesterday and then didn't work today.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: They read three books that told them three different things, and they couldn't know for sure whether the decision they were making was the right one.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: What I watched these women do was really fascinating.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They did more of what had always worked.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: They researched more and analyzed more and planned more, and they actually tried harder and harder and harder to get it right.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of feeling more capable, they started feeling like they were failing.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that got me really, really curious.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because clearly, intelligence was not the problem.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: These women were incredibly intelligent.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I started wondering whether motherhood was asking for a different kind of intelligence.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be clear here: like when my kids were little, I was this woman.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I was working with these women even when my kids were little.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it took me a while to actually step out of all of it to be able to see what was happening for these women in my practice that were very similar to me and how I had navigated motherhood in the beginning.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us have spent our lives developing what I call strategic intelligence.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's our ability to plan and predict and analyze and solve and execute, shape what happens next.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, all those things that actually feel really good.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And strategic intelligence is super valuable.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of how we build careers or run organizations or get degrees, start companies, create lives.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, quite frankly, just get things done.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be super clear that I'm not interested in asking ambitious women to become less ambitious.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want them, I don't want any woman to stop planning or achieving or problem solving.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are going to be problems to solve.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I want us all to have access to more than this one kind of intelligence because not every moment is asking to be solved.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Some moments are asking us to stay right here, present in reality as it is.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And motherhood brings us into contact with uncertainty all the time.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you don't know why your baby is crying a lot of the time.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know whether you're making the right parenting decision.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Your kiddo's having a meltdown, and nothing you're doing is working.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And your child will often become someone different from who you expected them to be, I mean, to be.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's just that's just parenting, that's just motherhood.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: But your nervous system doesn't necessarily experience that uncertainty as neutral.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: It will often experience it as danger.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when strategic intelligence can become control.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what's happening when we get into this mode where it's like, I need to figure this out.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I need to make this stop.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I need to know what to do.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I need to get this right.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath all of that can be something even deeper, though.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it kind of comes out as a question.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it might sound something like, what does it mean about me if I can't figure this out?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, am I failing?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Am I a bad mom?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Am I enough?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Am I okay?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is my kid okay?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's why something as ordinary as a child refusing to put on their socks can feel gigantic.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost never just about the socks.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: We all carry these deeply learned expectations about ourselves and other people and the world.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I call these organizing principles.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: They develop through repeated experience throughout our lives.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, it might sound like I need to get things done right now, or I need to get things right to be okay.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's like I can't disappoint people, or I'm responsible for how everybody else feels.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, one that I think is really common, especially for us high-achieving women, is if I don't stay in control, something bad will happen, or my my needs are too much, or my needs don't matter.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's like I need to be useful to be valuable.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, most of the time we are not walking around consciously thinking these things, but our nervous systems can organize around them.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then motherhood puts us in these situations that bump right into them.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when the intensity of our reaction can tell us something.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, for instance, the fact might be my child is screaming because I cut the banana wrong.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: The story might be I can't handle this, or I'm doing something wrong, or my kid shouldn't be acting this way, or I need to make this stop.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And our bodies respond to the story as though it's the fact, the reality.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where relational intelligence comes in.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Relational intelligence is the ability to stay connected and present when things get really hard.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's the capacity to stay engaged with reality as it actually is, especially when it's uncomfortable or uncertain or different from what we expected.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: So we can choose how we want to respond.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: That does not mean being calm all the time.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank goodness.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean never getting angry.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean becoming endlessly patient or letting people walk all over you.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it definitely does not mean giving up boundaries.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: What it means my activation, what's happening in the moment with my nervous system, doesn't have to make the decision for me.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I can be angry and still make a really intentional choice.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can feel disappointed and still make a really intentional choice.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can have no idea what to do and still stay in relationship with my kid.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can tolerate the space between I don't like what's happening and I need to make this stop.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: That space is so important because it's where choice lives.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: One of the ways I teach this is through something called something that I call the three C's.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you've heard me talk about this.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: The first C is curiosity, the second C is compassion, the third C is choice.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: But curiosity has to come first.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a series of questions, right?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Questions sound like, what is actually happening right now?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening inside my body?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: What am I noticing?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: What do I feel inside my body in this moment?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: What am I afraid this means?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: What story am I telling myself?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's curiosity.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Got to get really curious about what's actually happening.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then compassion.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Meeting ourselves with kindness right where we are.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, this is hard.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm activated.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, some part of me wants to fix this.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So we don't shame the reaction, we understand it because I'm telling you, our feelings always make sense.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then choice.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: What does this moment actually need?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to do to prevent this catastrophe of made up in my head from happening?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what we're asking.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're saying, what does this moment right now actually need?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Who do I want to be here?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: What serves the relationship I'm trying to build with my kid?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the choice is going to be to connect, some form of connection.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's going to be a boundary.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's going to be saying no that may involve leaving the room.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the actual choice might be to apologize, to repair.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's doing absolutely nothing.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not yet, not in this moment.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And relational intelligence is not a prescribed response.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's just the capacity that allows us to choose one.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think that this is one of the biggest misunderstandings that we have about emotional health.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: We think the goal is to stop getting activated.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've done therapy, I've meditated, I've learned about my nervous system.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I still losing it with my kids?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because you're human.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system is going to react.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: The work isn't to eliminate activation, it's to increase our capacity to be with that activation without automatically organizing all of our behavior around it.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: That is so different.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing what to do and being able to access what you know when you're activated, those are not the same thing.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: So we can have all this insight and still lose access to that insight under stress.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So the question becomes less of how do I stop feeling this and more of can I stay with myself while I'm feeling this?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe can I stay with my kid while my kid is feeling this?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I keep coming back to connection because motherhood is not a project to master, although we very often treat it like one.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's a relationship to build.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: They need a relationship that can withstand real human experience, like frustration, disappointment, like anger, difference, misunderstanding, disconnection, and then repair.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Secured relationships are not relationships where nothing ever goes wrong.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: They're relationships where we can find our way back to each other after it does.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's important because it means mothers don't have to become some like perfectly regulated version of themselves before their children can be okay.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we can mess up.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then we can notice and we can take responsibility and we can repair and we can come back.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the more I've thought about relational intelligence, the more I believe this goes far beyond motherhood.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood just makes it incredibly visible to us.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: But we live in a culture that rewards this strategic intelligence.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: We reward and get rewarded for knowing and speed, for certainty, productivity, problem solving, for control, actually.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: We actually get rewarded and we reward ourselves for control.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Those capacities have built these extraordinary things in our lives and in the world.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: But many of the hardest problems in our lives are not problems that we can engineer a way out of.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like a marriage struggling or a teenager pulling away, or maybe a colleague who sees something differently from you, or a friend who's having a really hard time and grieving, or a child who's struggling.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe someone we love making a choice that we wouldn't make.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or, of course, as we've been talking about, our own uncertainty about what comes next.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, those moments require another capacity.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's when we need to ask ourselves some really useful questions, like can I, can I actually stay present with this, even though what's happening, the reality is different than what I expected or what I want it to be?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can I listen?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can I tolerate difference?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can I remain curious when I like desperately want certainty?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Can I stay connected to myself while staying connected to you?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can I see what's actually here before deciding what to do about it?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: That is relational intelligence.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think we need less strategic intelligence, though.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think we need what I call fluency.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be able to recognize what kind of moment we're in.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is this a moment that needs solving or is this a moment that needs staying?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the most intelligent thing we can do is act.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes the most intelligent thing we can do is remain present long enough to see what's actually happening so that we don't end up acting on or solving the wrong problem.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Before you solve a moment, spend a moment inside of it.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Presence before strategy, connection before control.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we need this accurate perception before we can take any kind of effective action.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because some moments need solving, but others need staying.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And fluency, flourishing, getting beyond just surviving and moving into thriving.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's having the intelligence to know the difference.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: All right, listeners, if you found this episode helpful in any way, or if there's someone in your life who you think might benefit from hearing it, I would be so grateful if you take just a moment to subscribe, rate, review, or share this episode with a friend.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it does feel good to know this podcast is resonating with you, but honestly, the bigger reason I ask is because the more subscriptions, ratings, and reviews the podcast receives, the more accessible it becomes to mothers who may really need this kind of support and conversation.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as we all know, motherhood was never meant to be done alone.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: But it really does take a village to raise a mom too.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for helping us grow this community one conversation at a time.