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Transcript

Flirting with Vulnerability - Spicy Mari breaks down Joy Taylor’s Walls · Two Personal with Joy Taylor

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I do think that is important every now and then.
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You got to put little fear in a mansart.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: Your partner is the most important choice that you will make.
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  Speaker 3: It will determine your happiness, It will determine your success.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: It is of my belief that we are the superior creatures.
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  Speaker 2: Obviously I agree.
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  Speaker 1: Is your timeline feeding you that men aren't trustworthy?
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  Speaker 3: No, I think the timeline is feeding me now that
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  Speaker 3: I should date a twenty four. Hey guys, welcome to
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: to Personal another episode.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Thanks so much for joining us. I'm Joy Taylor.
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  Speaker 3: Hope you are having an amazing week. Really appreciate you
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: coming to hang out. I'm so excited to talk to
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Spicy Maddy. She is a relationship expert and a matchmaker
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: and has lots of interesting opinions on men and dating
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: and finding love. So really excited to talk to her.
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: She has her own podcast and she is also a
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: Netflix star as well, so hope to stick around for that.
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: And of course we'll get to Never Too Personal later
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: on in the show. If you haven't already subscribed, to
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: make sure you hit subscribe. And here's my rant for today.
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: I thought this was a very very interesting topic and
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: it harkened me back to my high school days, and
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: it taps into something that I have a lot of
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: strong feelings about, which is obviously women's reproductive rights and
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: women in general. But this came across my timeline. It's
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: very interesting. For the first time in history, more women
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  Speaker 3: in their forties are having children than teenagers. More women
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  Speaker 3: in their forties are having children than teenagers. From nineteen
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  Speaker 3: ninety to twenty twenty three, the teen birth rate has
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  Speaker 3: fallen by seventy three percent nationally, while births among women
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  Speaker 3: forty and older have surged by one hundred and ninety
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  Speaker 3: three percent. Now, why is that interesting to anyone? Why
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: is that interesting to me? Well, when I was in
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: high school, getting pregnance and being a teen mom was
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: a very, very big deal. I remember there being several
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: girls in my high school that were pregnant.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: It was a whole situation.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: Sometimes they would leave school and not come back. Obviously,
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: we know the financial repercussions of having a child at
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: that young age. The advancements in conversations around sexual education,
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: the availability of contraceptives, the conversations that we're having with
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: our children about sexual health, all of those things have
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: played in an incredible role in dropping this. This is
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: a long term play obviously to educate not just young
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: women but also young men on the consequences of having
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: a child too young, of being a teen parent, How
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: that affects your ability to make money, how that affects
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: your ability to put a roof over this child's head,
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: to feed them, to have them be educated. All of
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: these things play a major role in your long term
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: financial stability, your ability to make a life for yourself,
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: to be able to create a family. There's so many
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: things to play a role this. But on the other hand,
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: the other part of the conversation is the technological advancements
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: that are allowing women to be able to have healthy
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: children at an older age, because if you are over
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  Speaker 3: thirty five, I believe it's considered a geriatric pregnancy. The
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  Speaker 3: biggest part of me to the biggest sticking out point
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  Speaker 3: to me in this conversation though, is twofold one. The
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  Speaker 3: idea that at a certain age as a woman, that
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  Speaker 3: you're washed that you don't have a future, that you
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: can't start a family, that you can't have all of
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: the things that you were expected to have as a
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  Speaker 3: very young woman. One and two, how important education is
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  Speaker 3: and how it influences so many different.
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  Speaker 2: Parts of society.
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  Speaker 3: I am a huge advocate of sex education.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 3: I know the religis are very anti this and in
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  Speaker 3: a lot of spaces it's still illegal and they don't
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: want it taught in schools for some reason. They believe
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  Speaker 3: it's going to make people have sex, as if people
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  Speaker 3: haven't been having sex since the beginning of humanity before there.
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  Speaker 2: Was sex education.
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  Speaker 3: But the direct results of contraceptives, of making condoms available
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  Speaker 3: and having sex education available to young people is positive
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  Speaker 3: and quantifiable. Again, the teen birth rate from nineteen ninety
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  Speaker 3: to twenty twenty three has dropped by seventy three percent.
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  Speaker 3: If you are a pro lifer and you're against this,
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  Speaker 3: I actually can't have a conversation with you about this.
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  Speaker 3: It's also giving women the opportunity to start their lives,
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  Speaker 3: to start their families in a healthy way, to go
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: to school, to start their careers, to be able to
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  Speaker 3: build their lives, and then make the choice to start
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  Speaker 3: a family, get married, and build all the things later
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  Speaker 3: on in life when they are more mature, when they're
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: more financially stable, when they are more secure in who
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: they are.
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  Speaker 2: As a person. I love this as a story because
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  Speaker 2: it is positive.
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  Speaker 3: It is positive for women, it is positive for families,
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  Speaker 3: it is positive for young.
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  Speaker 2: People, and it also.
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  Speaker 3: Is a direct result of education in a space that
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  Speaker 3: has actually caused positive influence. In a world where every
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  Speaker 3: single story is the world is ending and nothing is
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  Speaker 3: effective and all these liberal policies lead to the end
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: of society, this is actually a very positive story, and
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: I'm just going to take a moment to acknowledge that
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: while this guy is falling.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: So I loved that story.
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: Very excited to talk to Spicy Mody, matchmaker and relationship experts.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: Let's get to it all right.
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  Speaker 3: I am so excited to have Spicy Mari onto Personal.
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  Speaker 3: She is a matchmaker, which I have lots of questions
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: about relationship consultants, and she currently so is the relationship
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: expert on Netflix dating show Sneaky Links and Fox Soul's
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  Speaker 3: Late Night Love. She's also the producer and hosts of
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: the Spicy Life podcast. Spicy Marie, welcome to Too Personal,
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  Speaker 3: having me. Thank you for coming down.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's get to it. We always get a lot.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: Of pushback when talking relationships on the internet because it's
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  Speaker 3: like which I don't get because I think relationships, particularly
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: interpersonal relationships, are something that everyone deals with, Like I
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: think that's why they trend so much as conversations.
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  Speaker 2: That's why the shows do so.
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  Speaker 3: Well because this is something that everyone can relate to
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  Speaker 3: on one level or another. We might not all have
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: the same experiences, but we all are in some way
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: or another looking for love or failing at love or
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: succeeding at love, or some variation of that. So it's like, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: that's why everybody wants to talk about this on all
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: these shows. The way that you date, I think has
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: changed in a lot of ways, not just because of
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: the apps, but there's so many different ways to communicate.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: There's so many different ways to get your feelings hurt.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: Like there was a time where the idea of like
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: reaching out to someone, not hearing from them, but then
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: going online and seeing that they have posted an Instagram
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  Speaker 3: story like that.
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  Speaker 2: Is a thing Like what the fuck didn't you take
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  Speaker 2: me back for? Like you're on the internet. Clearly you're
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: on your phone.
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  Speaker 3: You don't post this from your you know, desktop, right,
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  Speaker 3: There's so many different elements to it, so like what's
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: what is the base start for? Like someone who comes
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: to you, and they're like, I'm looking for my purpose, mate.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: I've been in like good relationships, bad relationships, just like
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: I'm ready to start dating seriously.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: I'm done with situationships.
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: I'm done with they're either hafs, they're like, this is
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: the serious And I guess we're obviously talking about women
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: because men's ho fas is you know you got to.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: Be out of the hoop fase too.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Yes, I don't like any of my clientsmen or women,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: being a home of hofe. Sleep with anybody during my program,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: you can, Okay, all right.
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: So let's let's let's let's start with scept one on
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: the program. So you're not sleep you cannot.
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  Speaker 2: Sleep with anybody.
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  Speaker 1: You're not sleeping with anybody. No sex okay for ninety days.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, okay, because I know when I said six months,
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: everyone was on my head like I.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Was being crazy. Okay, ninety days.
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  Speaker 1: I think that a boy him before six months, so
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  Speaker 1: you can have sex before.
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  Speaker 2: Six months, okay, okay.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: So the way that my program works is you come in,
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  Speaker 1: you're ready for your purpose, mate, so you think and
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: then I essentially am starting with an assessment. Right, think
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: of my spicy assessment as I break down self, passion, intimacy,
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  Speaker 1: communication and learning to say yes. Those are the five
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  Speaker 1: ingredients that you need.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, one more time.
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  Speaker 1: Self okay, Passion, intimacy, communication and learning to say yes.
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  Speaker 2: What is the say as part yes?
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  Speaker 1: Is you uh, sacrificing limiting beliefs okay? And learning the
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: art of negotiation with the man m okay. And if
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: you're a man coming in, then it's with the woman okay.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: But that is what is standing in your way that
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  Speaker 1: is no longer serving you?
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  Speaker 2: What old ideologies?
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: What are the things the old belief systems that you
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: have about relationships that we need to get rid of
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: because it's cock blackness. So self, passion, intimacy, communication and
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: learning to say yes. I give you an assessment so
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: I can see where you score in spicy Okay, your
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: spicy score, your spicy score.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: I love this Okay.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Then I'm like, okay, this is where I need to
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: give you the most tough love. So for ninety days
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: we have weekly coaching sessions. I'm all throughout your phone.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: You cannot communicate with the opposite sex without me because
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I have to reprogram everything that you have downloaded that
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: you think that you believe that your parents have taught
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: you or did not dat you, and we got to
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: starve from scratch. So it feels kind of like a
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: babysitting in the beginning, because you can't communicate without being
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: held accountable to raising your vibration to healthy communication habits.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: So I know what you're used to saying, but this
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: is what the male ear needs to hear. I know
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: what you would like to have happen, but this is
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: how we frame it in order to get what we want.
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  Speaker 2: So it is a little bit of a game.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: That really I wouldn't call it a game. I would
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: call it psychology. Yeah, it is understanding human behavior.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: It is understanding the male psyche.
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  Speaker 1: And the reason why I say male somebody is because
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  Speaker 1: majority of the people who come to me are women.
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  Speaker 1: And then I do have my men who are like, okay,
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  Speaker 1: help me out. Men operate very differently than women. I
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: can tell a man, these are the steps that I
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  Speaker 1: need you to take throughout this program. This is how
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: you get your purpose, mate, and they will go a
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: is Z without any complaints. Is very focused. Just give me,
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  Speaker 1: give me the answers, and I will get there.
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: What do you think is what do you think from
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: the male clients that you have or the experiences that
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: you in conversations that you have with men and women,
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  Speaker 3: what are the two.
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  Speaker 2: For men and women? Like the biggest things that stick out?
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  Speaker 3: Because you're talking about communication, I feel like I feel
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  Speaker 3: like anxious attachment is something that a lot of women
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: deal with. Yeah, for sure, but I mean this is
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: not my area of expertise. But like when you were saying,
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  Speaker 3: like healthy communication habits right, sometimes we're like, okay, you
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: didn't text us back in two minutes?
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: What are you doing? What is like the.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: Thing that you run into the most with women as
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: like the issue or the block in communicating with men,
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: and what is it for men?
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I think for both we're dealing with trust, trust, trust,
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  Speaker 1: neither trust the other. Okay, But the difference is men
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  Speaker 1: are very results will oriented. So that's why I was saying,
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  Speaker 1: it's quicker when it comes to the steps. I can
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: be like, Okay, this is how you plug in the
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: trust formula and they're like, okay, execute. With my women,
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  Speaker 1: it's like, but is this authentic?
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: How does it feel to me?
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: So there's an emotional journey that comes with it to
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: helping them re establish trust because ten people before they
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: got to me or they decided to sign up for
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: my services.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: Have already destroyed them.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: They grew up in a household that destroyed them, then
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: they fell in love with people that destroyed them, and
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: so now they're like, Okay, help me find my purpose mate.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, you now want me to unravel
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: all the dage that you've been doing, that, your family's
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: been doing, that, your ancestors have been doing. Yeah, and
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I'm here for it. But we have to be realistic
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: about what that looks like. So it doesn't just look
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: like you coming in and you're like, help me find
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: my purpose mate. It looks like after the assessment, we're
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: doing essentially a swat analysis, Right, what are your strengths,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: weaknesses and opportunities for growth and what are the threats
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: if you don't as a person in relationship? What does
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: your future look like if we don't start tackling those
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: areas for growth. So after we're doing the weekly coaching sessions,
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: I'm redoing your dating profile. I am helping you communicate
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: more effectively with men. You mentioned anxious attachments style. It
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: may look like you not texting back immediately, not because
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: we're playing a game, but because I need you to
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: frame this in a way that he can digest. A
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: lot of us are very much like, well, I just want.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: To go with what I feel.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: What you feel may not be actually the appropriate emotion
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: to get what you want.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is this. I'm hearing all this, and I'm like,
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: do if.
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: People get resistant to this process because it doesn't feel romantic.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: You know it feels romantic. You planning your wedding day,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: you know it feels romantic. You're getting down the aisle,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: you know it feels romantic. You having little babies that
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: I helped you achieve. That feels so romantic. You attrieving
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: your every heart desire. That was what feels romantic. And
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: we have to kind of like romance is an illusion,
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: right if you want the illusion of mystery, And while
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: that's awesome, and you want the person to just on
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: their own free will read your mind and divide everything
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: that you want and expect. Y'all are strangers usually starting off,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: you are usually emotionally attached to a stranger, giving that
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: stranger power that they did not earn or ask for.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: And so that is where I have to be like
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: pump the breaks. We cannot go off of what feels organic.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: We have to go off of what is smart, and
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: that does sound crazy to people.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: So much. We have to go back.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: Okay, well, because I think like for for women, like
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: I'll just speak for women like my age, I'm thirty eight,
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: so for younger women who are in their early twenties
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: or something like, maybe that's probably a different game plan
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: for this. But I feel like there's there comes like
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: a point where it's like you reach exhaustion, and it's
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: not even that you believe that all men are the same,
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: because I do not, like I don't think that all
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: men cheat. I don't think that all men are broke.
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: I don't think that all men are like our lambs,
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: Like I don't think all men a week. I think
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: there's lots of all of these piles and they're all
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: very loud. So to your point, you click on the
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: algorithm and then like starts to spial that that's the
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: only thing that's out there. But I also am very
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: much aware that like there's an outside, like there's.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: There's your phone, and then there's a whole world.
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: Once you pick your chin up of people who are
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: not habitually online who do not know what's going on
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: on TikTok, Like there are people, human beings out there
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: living their lives, but there does come a point of
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: exhaustion for dating.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And it's like, so, how do you like a
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: program like yours?
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Is a is a job?
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: Like it's a real investment in yourself, Like what you're
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: asking is is a lot? How do you gear up
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: once you've reached like that exhaustion point?
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: Well, I think that you have to really look at
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: what is it that I want? What do I have
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: to offer? And am I willing to invest what it
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: takes to get it. If you are someone who was
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: not willing to invest what it takes to get it,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: you don't deserve it.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Because you will.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: You will invest in everything. If you're like, Okay, I
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: want to lose tampound, I'm a higher personal trainer. If
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: I want to go on vacation, I'm gonna make sure
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: that I book that airline. If I want to go
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: back to school, I'm gonna make sure that I that
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: I en roll in this class. If I want this
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: jobby job, I'm gonna tell all my friends and I'm
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: looking for this new employment. You know at this new company,
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: but when it comes to relationship, it's like I don't
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: really know if it's worth it. What it is the
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: best and most important investment that you will ever make.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: Your partner is the most important choice that you will make.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: Literally, it will it will determine your happiness, It will
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: determine your success, it will determine your health in a
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: lot of ways. I'm divorced, so I feel like very
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: strongly that people don't always take the right steps, yeah,
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: to build those kind of relationships, and like things that
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: I've learned throughout my relationship history about myself, I can
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: go back and look at some of the decisions I've made, like, yeah,
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: that wasn't that was on me, Like not entirely, but
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: like if you don't take accountability sure why things don't
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: go the way that you want them to, then you're
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: just bound to repeat it.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: But like, let's even measure where you're at right now.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Right So when my client's come in for a conversation,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, on a scale one to ten, ten
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: being the happiest and most satisfied, what would you score
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: your relationships.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: With your friends? Ten? Okay? Gell went to ten.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: What would you score your relationship with your health ten
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: scalar one to ten. What would you score your relationship
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: with your finances? Ten scal of one to ten. What
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: would you score your relationship with your career? Eight and
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: a half okay, yellow once to ten? Would you score
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: your relationship with your family?
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: Ten? Nine okay? Nine scalo one to ten?
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: What would you score your relationship with lovers with men?
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Uh? Six point eight nine okay?
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: So that tells me literally just from what you scored
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: where you put the most time, energy, education, resources, attention,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: all of the things, all of the things you put
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: the most light into those other categories that scored highest.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Something within you as not prioritizing the relationship part. Because
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: if you're like a nine ten person, even a hit
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: is like the other areas that you score, Like even
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: in gray were like, hey, like are you serious use
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: all of that energy into those other things. So that
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: means that you're putting relationship on the back end because
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: it's a majority of time we feel like it's like
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: this lucky, dreamy thing that will come along if it
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: is meant to be.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: So you don't believe that relationships come along if they're
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: meant to be.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: I think that if God has his hands in it,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: because I'm a spiritual woman, that when you are in
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: healthy relationship with the Lord, he will make sure that
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: you recognize when you are aligned with someone. But it
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: is not God's responsibility to help you find someone. That's
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: why we got free will either you either you want.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: To do the work?
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: Are you? No?
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: No?
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: No?
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I don't think.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: I think it's pretty obvious at this point, Like we
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: can all be honest with ourselves, Like you're not gonna
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: find someone when you're not communicating with anybody and you're
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: sitting in your house all day and you're not, Like
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: you have to put energy, Well, how you put it
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: is actually very much what I believe, Like that is
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: a fundamental belief of mine in life, Like where you
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: put energy and not just any kind of energy, like
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: positive energy is what will return to you. But when
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: you do that and it doesn't necessarily go the way
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: that you want it to, you start to siphon that
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: off and put it into other places. Sure, so you
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: know where I would totally align with you on is
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: I think relationships are much more practical. They do require
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: being smart, they do require psycho they do require sacrifice.
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: Like the romance of it all is like a pitch
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: that I think we got to Disney fied on. Yeah,
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: and it's like it's not that is part of it.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: Like you want to be romantically connected, you want to
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: be emotionally connected, you want to feel the butterflies. But
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: that's not what sustains a long term relationship. That's not
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: what builds a foundation for a life partner.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: There's two different types of love. There's romantic love and
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: then there's companionate love. Okay, Romantic love is what you
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: were talking about. Where is like that passion, that fire,
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: that desire I want to rip your clothes off. That's
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: not sustainable. Companionate love is the one where you guys
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: have similar share values. You guys have similar interests, you
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: guys have similar relationship goals. You guys are aligned, and
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: the relationship has more fairness. There's is both of you
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: guys have feelings and you respect each other's emotions. So
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: for sustainability, right, I think that we wanted to who's
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: essentially companionate love because within companionate love you can create
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: romance and passion. If I hang from a chandelier right
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: now with my clothes off. Now I have romance in
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: my companionate relationship. Yeah, but there's nothing that I can
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: do in my romantic relationship that can make you make
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: me safer or more secure if you are an untrustworthy
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: I'm a viaa person and you only bring passion to
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: the table.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's just one thing. But passion is like the pitch.
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: Passion is amazing. I love passion.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: But passion is not sustainable unless you are actively pouring
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: into self and then also pouring into the relationship. And
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: we forget that, like life happens. Yeah, life events, and
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: we're not gonna ride this ride of like twenty four
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: to seven happiness. So there has to also be like
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: a realistic expectation of our happiness threshold.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: So just like how you.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: Scored like high enals of the numbers of like those relationships,
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: sometimes those numbers are gonna drop, right, But if you
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: know how to make yourself happy and you know how
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: to create your own passion, you can bring those scores
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: up and import into your other, you know, pour into
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: your partner when their score happens to be falling as well.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I agree.
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: Like when every time we talk about long term relationships
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: or I talk about marriage or you know, anyone who's
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: going through those situations in life ask me for advice,
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: and like, well, to me, you you have to understand
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: that like the love, passion, fun, romance, all that part,
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: Like that's that is essential, Like it's it is.
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: Important, important, it's important.
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: But like you also have children, you also have jobs,
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: you also have health, you also have family, you also
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: have politics, you also have.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: Catastrophes, Like things happen.
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: You're not just going to be like crawling all over
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: each other every single day, whispering speak, nothing's into each
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: other's ears, like you have that you have to be
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: able to like that person and sustain the relationship when
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: that is not happening.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: Also, and like where's that person in your life?
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: Because if you're only focusing on the highs, there are
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: they are inevitable low's Like it's not.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Even news, Like are you an adult? It's going to happen.
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: What is that person going to do when? When it
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: is tough? For sure? But I think that it is.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: The dating challenges, right that actually prepare you for the marriage,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: because if you are expecting that dating is going to
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: be easy, and then you're going to get into marriage
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: and you're just gonna be able to coast.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: No no, no no.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: That was like the boot camp for war, like, because
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: there are challenges that are gonna come up, like literally
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: somebody's you know, when I say purpose mat, it's like okay,
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: but that just not when we're like what if I
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: forget my purpose?
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: One say what if I'm like I don't want to
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: do this.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: I need somebody to remind me who I am sometimes,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: and so you need that that partner. But I understand though,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: like how people can be frustrated with dating.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: We start to act out.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: We either tap out or we start doing unhealthy things,
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: We start making mistakes and we start But I believe
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: and think of it as when you are dating, right,
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: the amount of pain points that you have and the
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: amount of like let's just say l's that you take
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: in your love life. If you do not heal and
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: do the work and get on top of it, it's
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: going to be harder and harder and harder and harder
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: to transform it. Think of dating like debt. The more
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: that it accrues, the harder it is to get out
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: of it. And so if you can start making healthier
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: spending choices slash dating choices. If you can change you know,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: your your mindset around what it looks like, what it
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: feels like, what your expectations are, the standards that you have,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: the goals that you have, you're the type of partner
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: that you choose, you will you will get a different result.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: That's a great analogy. Yes, it's going in my book.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: Sound okay, but let us know when it comes out.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: We'll have you back on. We'll do, we'll do, We'll do.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: Fan question next time.
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: What is the biggest misconception that you see online about dating.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: That dating apps don't work?
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, so I think they. Here's here's the thing with
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: what we have now right before you use to day
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: within your community. Now we have uh digital advancements, right
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: the technology technological advancements that have allowed us access to
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: anyone in the world. But with that comes the basket
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: Robins thirty one flavors effect. So at the end of
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: the day, we know what type of flavor we like
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: a basket Robins thirty one flavors, you know what top
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: bias from you like. But now with dating apps, we
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: want to taste all thirty one flavors before we make
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: our choice.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: I mean, sometimes we want to.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: Just see that.
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: That's why, that's why the little spoons, little spoons, and
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: you're also.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: In every time but flavor to a.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: Flavor you're gonna get. But yeah, we still want to
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: taste it all. But you are literally putting a candy right,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Like when it comes to dating, we are putting children
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: in the candy shop. Like essentially because we now have
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: like all these options, it's taking longer for us to
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: decide before you would.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: Be more Yeah, like you you you.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: Would actually make a choice back in the day because
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: you're like, I don't know what I'm gonna get another flavor,
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: another taste, So like, let me just be appreciative of
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: the flavor that I have in front of me. Where
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: now we are seeing all kinds of and that can
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: also speak to like Peter Pant syndrome where there is
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: a stunted and arrested development and like us, not evolving
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: and maturing in the right of passage to healthy relationship.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: So we are seeing a lot of people who are
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: afraid to pull the trigger, afraid to settle down and
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: get married. We spoke to Avoidant right that there's also
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: this like huge collective of people that have been extremely
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: hurt by level hurt by lovers, and now they are like, well,
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: if I make the wrong choice, you know, I'm going
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: to suffer for the rest of my life. And so
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: they are not choosing, they're choosing to stay out of
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: the dating pool and out of marriage.
• 27:13
  Speaker 3: What are your thoughts on this phenomenon? This, I mean,
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: I just think it's crazy propaganda that men feel like
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: it is a bigger commitment to get married than it
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: is to have children.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: I'm very like and this is like, I'm very passionate
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: about this. I come from a single o home, so
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: part of what my mission in life is to is
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: to restore the family unit. Yeah, okay, when I see
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: men choose to have children out of commitment, right, they
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: are willing to commit allegedly to a child, but not
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: to the responsibility of what is required to raise them
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: and be in partnership. So I see essentially what I
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: believe to be children having children when a man refuses
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: to be responsible for an adult woman, because I do
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: believe that is a part of an important too masculinity,
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: them having to actually serve a woman. When they are
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: refusing to do that, but they still want a child,
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: I believe that they themselves are children.
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't. I think I think it's crazy. Obviously,
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: Like there are situations people have children, things happen, got it.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: But I have this conversation all the time because I
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: just don't. I've been married, I don't have children. I
• 28:46
  Speaker 3: have a massive family. I have fourteen nieces and nephews.
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: I've seen it all. I just believe that having a
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: child is the biggest thing you can do, and it
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: is a massive if you plan on being a parent,
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: Like if you're just making kids, like, okay, then that's
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: obviously we're not talking to you. But this idea that
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: it is like more of a commitment to marry a
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: person than it is another adult right, than it is
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: to make a human being. Like who put this propaganda
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: out into the streets. It's not true. You are you
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: are a parent, Like you have made a person that
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: is a much bigger commitment than getting married.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: I would agree with that. Ha.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Now being a parent, I'm like, oh crap, how did
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: my mother do this?
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: It is uh And here's the thing. I think that
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: what makes it challenging because I do work with a
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: lot of single mothers that are like Okay, I had
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: a kid was somebody who I shouldn't had a kid with.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: Now help me find love. But one of the things
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: that I notice is within them, which which I really
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: empathize with, is they want all the same things for
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: their child old that a married wife wants for her
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: children as well. Okay, So in partnership, remember how I
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: said purpose, mate, we hold each other accountable. So I
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: will hold a mirror up to things that my husband
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: needs to improve on, and he will do the same
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: vice versa. I will let him know, hey, our child
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: needs this, and he will try to provide whatever it
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: is that I'm asking. Part of him listening and pushing through.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: Maybe his lack of desire is his love for me.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: It's not enough for him to just love our child.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: He just met that kid, all right. My child is
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: benefiting from the credit that I built for this man.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: So he will listen because men can be subborned and
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: can feel like they know their you know their own way.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: And he will listen though, because he trusts me, because
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: he loves me, and he wants to see us do well.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: Part of the problem, though, when you are dealing with
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: this single parent home, is that you are trying to
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: also convince a man or a partner to oblige your
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: wishes of what you want for your child. But that
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: man barely even likes you, That man actually can't stand you. Oftentimes,
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: that man sees you as a punishment or something that
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: he may be deeply regrets. And I'm not saying that
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: everybody regrets they're offspring, but I am saying that there
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: is a large population of what we're seeing now of
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: people who did not feel prepared to be a parent
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: and are still not stepping up to the plate with responsibility.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: And you still have a mother who naturally wants her
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: child to get the attention that they deserve, the resources
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: that they deserve, the father that they deserve, the dedication
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: that they deserve, the learning lessons that they deserve, the
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: male role model that they deserve, and because that person
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: oftentimes can't get along with you. And this is even
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: for divorce, as if the partner can't get along with you,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: they're less inclined to come around, they're less inclient and
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: less insensivized to listen to you. Yeah, there's resentment there,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: whether it's from what you guys maybe even experienced in partnership,
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: or you you know, as the you know, the mother.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: Of their child.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: And it's extremely unfortunate because I know that that mom,
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: I know what she wants, and so part of the
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: time she's coming to me because she didn't know how
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: to speak to him to begin with. She didn't know
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: how to guide that man to begin with. She didn't
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: know how to motivate that man to begin with. She
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: didn't know how to assess if they were equally yoked,
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: if they had the same values.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: She didn't know what's the responsibility of the man in
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: that space.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: The responsibility of the man in what space?
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: Go, go go.
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: Because we're speaking a lot from like the woman's perspective, right,
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: like what the mom wants, Like the man didn't she
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: didn't know how to talk to him, and like at
• 32:51
  Speaker 3: what point is it the man's responsibility to be present,
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: to know how to speak to the woman, to fight
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: to help raise their child. Like I think in a
• 33:07
  Speaker 3: lot of ways, like we even in this conversation, sometimes
• 33:09
  Speaker 3: we frame things from like it's the woman's responsibility to
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: choose her mate, to choose her mate, yes, but it's
• 33:16
  Speaker 3: also the man's responsibility to choose their mate. And they
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: have also participated fifty to fifty in creating this child.
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: But so often we frame it as, oh, it's a
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: single mom, it's a single it's the mom's responsibility to
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: try and make it work with the father so that
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: their child like their it's their child, not the mom's child.
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: It's their child. Correct. So when is.
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: It the man's turn to meet the woman where she's
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: at and fight through.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: Here's here's the challenging part. Oh, I love us as women.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: It is of my belief that we are the superior creatures. Okay, Okay,
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: I'm obviously I.
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: Agree, but I'm gonna go out here with you because
• 34:00
  Speaker 3: I want to ask the question when we're.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: Done with me.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, But unfortunately, we're born into this world having to
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: in order to get along with the men who we
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: want making them feel like.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: They are the superior creatures.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: Right, So, in order to get what we want, we
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: make them feel superior.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: You understand the part.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, But because we are smarter, usually, more intuitive, more loving,
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: and we actually require that in return for our functioning
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: and happiness, we have to be more selective with who
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: we choose. Men will procreate just because they think that
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: you are physically attractive. Yeah, they will leave it.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: Inside you.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: And up their entire legacy just because they're physically attractive
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: to you.
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: Is that a smart choice? No? No, of course not. No.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: So we the smarter beings, have to be more careful
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: with who we are laying with, who we are letting
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: inside of us. And the reason why I'm saying us
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: is because we are literally the superior creature. We we
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: are the body in which the legacy is built from.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: Like we're going to create this throwne. Okay, we're gonna
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: help you build your empire. Well, I need to be
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: selective with who I'm going to help start building with.
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that men aren't held accountable. I'm
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: saying that they are and as wise as us. That
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: they aren't as superior as us, that they don't they
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: don't make as intelligent decisions as us.
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: No, I mean, I agree with this, but in order
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: for this to like functionally apply, we have to start
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: treating them like they are beneath us.
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: Like it can't it can't be.
• 35:43
  Speaker 3: No, that's but like if men fundamentally in like not
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: as capable as women, like, that is the that is
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: the grounds that we're laying here like we're better, we're smarter,
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: we are we are the ones that grow the bay,
• 36:00
  Speaker 3: like we're better than men. Like it's almost like it's no, no,
• 36:04
  Speaker 3: Like if that's the case, this is why I push
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: back on that because it builds in an excuse to
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: me for their behavior. Like I believe women are superior, Yes,
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: but the patriarchy in which we exist in does not
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: believe that.
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: It does not pay us like that, is, does not
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: protect us like that.
• 36:21
  Speaker 3: It does not give us health resources like that, does
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: not keep us alive, It does not keep us safe
• 36:26
  Speaker 3: from predators. So we are not treated like the superior creature.
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: We are not protected like the superior creature. We are
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: not cared for or put on the pedestal as a
• 36:36
  Speaker 3: superior creature.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: Even if we are. So it's like it's like we
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: like do they need like special like schools or something
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: like dead ass? Like what are we talking about?
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: Like me? Are men capable of functioning as whole human
• 36:55
  Speaker 3: creatures with the array and variety of feelings, of emotions,
• 37:03
  Speaker 3: of responsibility of spirituality?
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: He's gonna teach them that. I think mothers should start
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: teaching their sons exactly or wear gender our mothers well,
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: but fathers who have that experience from there. Aren't all
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: men that are incapable of this that too.
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: I'm just I don't agree with the idea that everything
• 37:25
  Speaker 3: is women's responsibility.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: Is not all of our responsibility. It is our responsibility,
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: though with who we do side is fortunate enough to
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: be with us, Okay, even if you decide to not
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: have kids. We are the prize we are and all
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: the things that you were talking about, like the light
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: in which you want them to see within us, only
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: happens when they love us.
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: They do not.
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: See all of the value and all of the things
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: that we until they actually have true genuine affection towards
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: us past our sexual essence, let's see. And as to
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: sexy you know, hotties, I can honestly say that there
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: are so much more depths that we have to make
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: men go to in order to take us more seriously. Right,
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: and so letting them have us physically, okay, have physical
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: intimacy with us before they have experienced emotional intimacy, which
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: creates the attachment, has screwed us. And all I'm saying
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: is we need to be extremely selective. It is not
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: our responsibility to raise our children on our own by
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: any means, we need fathers. Fathers are extremely important, so
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: let me clarify. And also, men are incredible creatures. I
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: absolutely love an adornment, and we need them, we really
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: really really need them in our homes. But if they
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: are not qualified to be a good partner, they're definitely
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: not going to be qualified to be a good father.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: Therefore goodbye onto the next. But instead, because we want
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: a companion so bad, we will excuse all of the
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: things that they showed us would make them a horrible
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: father to begin with.
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: That that part I agree with.
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: Like the whole situation is fucked, but I I just
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: want to move in direction. Like my hope for society
• 39:08
  Speaker 3: with men and women.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: It looks like us having commitment in marriage and not
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: giving you kids until you give me that.
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that for sure. That for sure.
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: Like it's like this is one of my least popular.
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: There's there's there's not all the.
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: Baby daddies the rise like from the ashes and.
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: Like these better men, there's no answer like there like zombies,
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: like they.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: Suck, they've freaking like you know what I'm saying, Like
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: general zombie, you want to like no, no, no, no, no.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: If if he sucked before you gave him that child,
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: he's one sec after.
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 39:48
  Speaker 3: That that that part, I that part, I completely agree.
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: I am just some of the government demanding child support.
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: There's nothing other than us making better choices in partnership,
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: because family the original route of where he learned his values,
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: what he saw growing up. If we don't provide a
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: father in the home for him, and we aren't showing
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: even the dynamics between men and women, right, and so
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: like healthy communication.
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: If you didn't.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: See how your mother managed your father, and you didn't
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: see how your father managed her feminine energy and her
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: emotions and was able to be the call maybe during
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: her storm, then you don't know how to do that
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: for a woman.
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: So there's a teach who teaches you your girlfriend, and
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: if she's toxic, that's literally who your teacher is.
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: And then you take that to the next woman and
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: you jack her up too.
• 40:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, there's there's a definite lack of responsibility within uh,
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: within relationships I think now, where like you're fucking each
• 40:47
  Speaker 3: other up but not taking accountability for like what you've
• 40:50
  Speaker 3: brought from the previous relationship or what you brought from
• 40:52
  Speaker 3: your childhood. And that's why I think like therapy and
• 40:55
  Speaker 3: going through programs like yours are important if you are
• 40:59
  Speaker 3: continuously hitting the same notes in interpersonal relationships.
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: Yes, and it's why wouldn't my single moms come. I'm like, great,
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: I hear you. Let's go get your husband though, So like,
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: we're not gonna let your baby daddy stop you from marriage.
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: We're gonna let your baby daddy stop you from getting
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: all your needs met.
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you're blocking your own blessings.
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: Really in any situation, whether you're you know, you have
• 41:22
  Speaker 3: a child, or or you're single or you're trying to
• 41:24
  Speaker 3: get married. It's healing is like a very important part
• 41:30
  Speaker 3: of the process.
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: But healing requires a lot.
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: Of work, and it's harder to heal if that person
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: is still in your life.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: For eighteen years.
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because you don't get to just block him out.
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: You actually have to communicate. You actually have to person.
• 41:44
  Speaker 3: Oh my God, No, no, thank you, thank you, thank you,
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: he got me, he got me, he's up there.
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: Because no, it doesn't make it impossible.
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying it's more challenging because you don't you
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: can't just know.
• 41:59
  Speaker 3: But God only gives you which you can handle and
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: I could not.
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: I could not. I could absolutely not.
• 42:07
  Speaker 3: Okay, we want to get a little bit more personal
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: with you with you because this is super personal. We've
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: been We've been personal about everyone else. We want to
• 42:14
  Speaker 3: get a little personal with you. What is your biggest insecurity?
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: My weight? Your weight?
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: Yes, that's that was the wrong That was the wrong response.
• 42:25
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry that was one that was insensitive. I'm also
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: going to answer these with you. So okay, but your
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: weight is just so you know, you look amazing.
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: Thank you. I appreciate it. Okay, so you should not.
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: Have that insecurity, but I respect that as an insecurity
• 42:39
  Speaker 3: because that was that was incorrect.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: Here I was a chubby little girl like super Supper Joey.
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: Well not anymore.
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: Still battle with my weight like every single day.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: Uh, that's like it's a real thing, if you know.
• 42:51
  Speaker 3: I mean, body dysmorphia is like really difficult to navigate
• 42:54
  Speaker 3: for all of us. We look at each we look
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: at ourselves too much, Like we're like on our phones
• 42:59
  Speaker 3: looking at our pictures.
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: Are else.
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like I think my eye is lower
• 43:02
  Speaker 3: than the like it's it's too much. My biggest insecurity
• 43:06
  Speaker 3: is my biggest insecurity. Uh, it's supposed to be rapid
• 43:16
  Speaker 3: fire and.
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: Security. I'm like, I can list like ten more things.
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: Do you want me to cover you?
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: I think you know what. I think.
• 43:25
  Speaker 3: I'm insecure about my h vulnerability. Like when I it's
• 43:32
  Speaker 3: like someone being able to like really really love me
• 43:37
  Speaker 3: with all of my flaws. I don't know if that's good.
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: But you wouldn't even name any flaws. Do you have
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: any flaw? Okay, this is really embarrassing.
• 43:48
  Speaker 3: Okay, insecurity, I am insecure?
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: Uh? Are we making stuff up now?
• 43:56
  Speaker 3: No? I'm like, I obviously I have insecurity. It's like
• 43:59
  Speaker 3: I would I don't want to. I'm not that insecure
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: about my body, so I wouldn't.
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: But that's what until you have.
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: Something that's going on in your life, Like what would
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: an insecurity be?
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: I can't how you want to? Rather, I'm not something.
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: I know I'm doing a really bad job with this.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: I can't because that's not the rules. You know.
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: I'm insecure about.
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: This feels like mean girls and we're looking at me
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: as saying about her that I did not prepare for
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: this one.
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: I'm insecure about.
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: Uh, give me a real one so we can tackle it. Yeah,
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: is it something that you don't want to say?
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: No, I'm trying to think there's just none.
• 44:43
  Speaker 3: I definitely have insecurity sometimes you know what I'm insecure about.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: I don't know what am I insecure about? Oh my god.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, So let me tell you how this would affect
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: you in relationships and zading while you're literally in the
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: midst of like trying to get vulnerability from me.
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: By me, I'm trying to be.
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: You are literally putting a wall up to vulnerability right
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: now and to intimacy occurring because it's an interactive experience.
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: So I just shared write something that you're gonna.
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: Have to be sure. I'm insecure about my past. There
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: we go, what happened in your past? Well, we don't
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: have to do a whole other podcast.
• 45:29
  Speaker 3: I'm insecure about my I'm insecure about my my past decisions.
• 45:37
  Speaker 3: I'm meanscared about my past decisions in in dating, in life,
• 45:43
  Speaker 3: in friendships. So like the things that give me anxiety
• 45:47
  Speaker 3: are like that's why I said initially, Like my insecurity
• 45:51
  Speaker 3: is more like emotional like I don't I don't really
• 45:55
  Speaker 3: give myself to be insecure like physically, like in a
• 45:57
  Speaker 3: way that like impedes me.
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: If we're in a day right now, you'd be failing.
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: You would not get a call back.
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean back, but not because he wants to
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: be with anything. I wouldn't anyone, though I don't.
• 46:08
  Speaker 3: I'm not. I'm not fronting like I'm not a massively
• 46:11
  Speaker 3: insecure person, like I worked very hard to not be insecure.
• 46:14
  Speaker 3: There's definitely been times in my life I've.
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: Been physically insecure.
• 46:20
  Speaker 3: Well, my body obviously, I was like, we all go
• 46:23
  Speaker 3: through that, So I'm not gonna act like there wasn't
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: a point where I was insecure about my body.
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: But I've worked very hard to feel good in my body.
• 46:28
  Speaker 3: As I get older, I'm even more comfortable in my
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: body and more unapologetic about that. I am not insecure
• 46:36
  Speaker 3: about my personality or how I show up in the world.
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: Did you used to be for sure? Yes?
• 46:42
  Speaker 3: But when I was younger, I felt like, you know,
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: the needs to maybe impress people or kind of meet
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: people where they were too much now yeah, yeah, and
• 46:53
  Speaker 3: also had like severe.
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: Anxious attachment or what's the other word fear of rejection?
• 47:02
  Speaker 3: No, when you like, when you like attached to somebody
• 47:06
  Speaker 3: co dependency, Yes, it was extremely codependent, did not have
• 47:10
  Speaker 3: good boundaries, and my my insecurity, and that was that
• 47:15
  Speaker 3: like if I spoke up for myself or if I
• 47:18
  Speaker 3: showed up as myself like that that person, whether it's
• 47:21
  Speaker 3: a friend or whether it was a job, or whether
• 47:25
  Speaker 3: it's an in person relationship, like they wouldn't they wouldn't
• 47:28
  Speaker 3: want me around if they.
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: Like experience me the real me.
• 47:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, yeah, so I think there's there's still remnants
• 47:35
  Speaker 3: of that, like that's a work in progress.
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So we got there. Okay, we got there, we
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: got there, we got their acceptance. Okay, this that was no,
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: not really.
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: You literally just describe somebody who doesn't believe that they
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: are like truly authentically lovable.
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I don't think.
• 47:53
  Speaker 3: I don't think I'm like super lovable and in a relationship,
• 47:56
  Speaker 3: in a friendship, I think I'm very lovable as like
• 47:59
  Speaker 3: a family member.
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: I think I'm very lovable. But no, I don't. I
• 48:03
  Speaker 2: don't know that I like fully feel lovable as.
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: A two the friendship. Why do you think you're more
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: accepted versus romantic relationship.
• 48:10
  Speaker 3: I'm I think as a friend, I'm more apt to
• 48:16
  Speaker 3: be vulnerable. I'm more apt to be like drop everything
• 48:21
  Speaker 3: I'm doing and like be there for someone to take
• 48:25
  Speaker 3: care of other people, to like protect other people. And
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: it's not that I don't do that in relationships, but
• 48:30
  Speaker 3: I really like, for me, the number one thing in
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: a relationship is consistency and feeling safe and if I
• 48:37
  Speaker 3: have like a very low threshold for like fucking that up.
• 48:41
  Speaker 3: So if a man, particularly because I think I give
• 48:45
  Speaker 3: women more grace just being a woman and like knowing
• 48:48
  Speaker 3: the mistakes that I make and all that, And I
• 48:50
  Speaker 3: don't pretend to like move around the world as a man.
• 48:54
  Speaker 3: Like I'm in masculine energy a lot because of the
• 48:56
  Speaker 3: spaces that I'm in, but like I am not like
• 48:58
  Speaker 3: I'm a man, Like I'm a woman. I'm a strong
• 49:01
  Speaker 3: woman with a lot of masculine energy, but I'm not
• 49:03
  Speaker 3: a man. So when I interact with women, like with
• 49:06
  Speaker 3: my girlfriends, like it's a space that has natural feminine
• 49:11
  Speaker 3: energy and it just kind of like feels safer. So
• 49:13
  Speaker 3: if someone does anything to make me feel unsafe, I
• 49:15
  Speaker 3: become like very like I'm like ravenous and like vengeful.
• 49:21
  Speaker 3: It like it immediately puts me into like a toxic space,
• 49:23
  Speaker 3: which are canna be very toxic. I don't like to be,
• 49:25
  Speaker 3: but like, it is just my default. So when I
• 49:28
  Speaker 3: say it's like different to be to be loved as
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: a friend, like, I think I'm a very lovable friend.
• 49:35
  Speaker 3: I think I'm a very lovable like mentor.
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: Vulnerable with women and not men. Yes, do you know
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: how to make women vulnerable?
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: Yes? Do you have to make men vulnerable? Yes?
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: So you make men vulnerable, but you won't be vulnerable
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: with them.
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 49:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, we have derailed from the rappid fire, but we're
• 49:56
  Speaker 3: getting personal, so that's good. Okay, advice you've given, but
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: you don't apply to yourself advice.
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: I try to take all my advice. I literally try
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: to take all my advice. That's a good question. Advice
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: I've given. This is always a work in progress. So
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: I give this advice all the time and I take
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: it eighty percent. But the way that you speak to
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: your partner is literally advice that I give all the time.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: Watch your tone, make suring you include touch or affection
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: so that you have their attention, and stay with the triggers.
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: So touch, tone triggers three t's. But you're spicy, I
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: am spicy. Understand the fury that like unravels, and that
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: I have to like like it literally is like fireballs
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: coming out of my hand, and I have to be
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: like and then hold it back, like hold it back
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: because I understand the power that my tongue has.
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: I understand.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: I know all your insecurities, I know every flaw everything,
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: and I can destroy you. And I'm gonna choose today
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: not to even though you hurt my feelings. If I
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: destroy you right now, my feelings will not become unhurt.
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: You will only try to retaliate.
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: So when I'm coaching my clients or my couples, because
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: I do couples counseling as well, I'm always reminding them
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: to be like mindful of those three things. But every
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: now and then my husband can get it and I'm like,
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: oh you forgot who the f I am because you
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: think I'm elevated, then I'm not that deal.
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you, Let me remind you. And I
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: do think that it is important.
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: Every now and then you gotta put little fear in
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: a man's heart, like you gotta show you just a
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: little crazy, a little passion, okay, just so that they
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: can remember like oh yes, okay, So like let me
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: get my is, you know, keep it in control.
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: I think that's great advice.
• 51:55
  Speaker 3: I absolutely believe in that because I can be a
• 51:58
  Speaker 3: very very mean person.
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: I don't. I don't like to be like I don't.
• 52:02
  Speaker 3: That's why I would say, like, I'm not I'm not
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: arguing with anybody, because if I start arguing with you,
• 52:06
  Speaker 3: like you're not gonna ever want to see you again,
• 52:08
  Speaker 3: Like I'm gonna say that that's possible. So like, I
• 52:11
  Speaker 3: don't even why do you even want to put me
• 52:13
  Speaker 3: in that that headspace? And there are just certain things
• 52:15
  Speaker 3: you can't come back from, Like there's certain types of
• 52:18
  Speaker 3: disrespect and certain types of things that you can say
• 52:21
  Speaker 3: that you cannot take back. You cannot take back. So yeah,
• 52:24
  Speaker 3: I agree with that advice that I give other people
• 52:27
  Speaker 3: that I don't take.
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: Be vulnerable.
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, literally we just saw and you rewind that footage
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: play back.
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: So I'm always like.
• 52:36
  Speaker 3: If you want this, you've got to you know, you've
• 52:38
  Speaker 3: got to be vulnerable.
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: Okay, you got to be vulnerable, not me.
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: But that is like, but but do you understand that
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: your feminine is cut off by you saying that you
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: can pull vulnerability out of men, but you want to reciprocate,
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: so you will always be untrusting or distrusting of them
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: because you don't because.
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: You yourself are not trustworth. Correct. Yeah, so they're never gonna.
• 53:04
  Speaker 3: But I think it's gonna take somebody like seeing that
• 53:08
  Speaker 3: in me and fighting through that with me to because
• 53:12
  Speaker 3: that particular thing.
• 53:14
  Speaker 2: That's what every woman says.
• 53:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I don't have a wallet, I have whatever
• 53:23
  Speaker 3: the like CIA uses to block the hackers is what
• 53:26
  Speaker 3: I got. Like you need a like a twelve year
• 53:29
  Speaker 3: old like super coder to get through this, then then
• 53:33
  Speaker 3: get the like top secret code. For me, it's about like,
• 53:39
  Speaker 3: like I have to feel completely safe, Like that particular
• 53:43
  Speaker 3: thing has happened to me so many times throughout my
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: life and in like a very very traumatic way. I've
• 53:48
  Speaker 3: been in abusive relationships, I've been in extremely violent relationships.
• 53:53
  Speaker 3: I grew up in an abusive home. Safety to me
• 53:56
  Speaker 3: is something that I had to teach myself. I did
• 53:58
  Speaker 3: not grow up in that environ men.
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: I don't.
• 54:01
  Speaker 3: I'm hardwired for toxicity and insanity, like in my DNA and.
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: Of us.
• 54:10
  Speaker 3: So for me, like that is the most important thing
• 54:12
  Speaker 3: and it is what I really want the most. But
• 54:15
  Speaker 3: it will take something like it's not even in a
• 54:17
  Speaker 3: romantic way. I really believe like that type of trust
• 54:21
  Speaker 3: has to be. It's why consistency is the most important
• 54:23
  Speaker 3: thing to me in with men. Like when men start
• 54:26
  Speaker 3: to like do something like your patterns change, I'm like, oh, okay,
• 54:29
  Speaker 3: I never mind, Like.
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: But what's the incentive? Right?
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: So if you're not vulnerable and he can't see past
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: the wall.
• 54:36
  Speaker 3: Like completely not vulnerable, but there are like to get
• 54:40
  Speaker 3: to like the real like stuff, you've got to prove
• 54:45
  Speaker 3: that you can get past like the like to get
• 54:47
  Speaker 3: to the final boss.
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: There's like firewalls, and.
• 54:51
  Speaker 3: You gotta be like, you know, you gotta have gone
• 54:53
  Speaker 3: through the boot camp already. What is one non physical
• 54:58
  Speaker 3: thing that turns you on instantly?
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: Non physical? M. I love a builder, I would say
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: a builder. I love a savior.
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: I love a hero. I love.
• 55:09
  Speaker 3: Uh.
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is uh like putting
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: together furniture, yes, but also like serve me m So
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: acts of service is top, top, top on the love language.
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: And that's from like friends, family, and my husband. I'm like,
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: what can you do for me today? It makes me happy? Yeah,
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: help me help me? So that and that might sound
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: kind of selfish, but it really is.
• 55:37
  Speaker 3: No, And I think acts I wish acts of service
• 55:40
  Speaker 3: was my uh number one love language.
• 55:42
  Speaker 2: Mine's is word of affirmation. I'm sorry, you are so
• 55:45
  Speaker 2: screwed worse? Oh, like you said something nice?
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: D you want to you need like a cheerly You
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: want the person to like speak to you, tell you
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: how amazing you are, like encourage you, blah blah blah.
• 55:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but that's so easy to do. Yeah, it's like it.
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: If you're if you're a good communicator, but also you're
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: just saying like someone can.
• 56:04
  Speaker 2: Like woo you with words.
• 56:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah, Like that's you're so susceptible to that.
• 56:08
  Speaker 3: I mean, I think every love language has its like
• 56:10
  Speaker 3: cheat code, you know, because like even acts of service,
• 56:12
  Speaker 3: like someone could just do things for you to like
• 56:15
  Speaker 3: win you over and not mean anything behind it.
• 56:18
  Speaker 2: But like it's harder to do that and.
• 56:21
  Speaker 3: Not care than it is to just say nice things
• 56:24
  Speaker 3: to somebody and not care.
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: Words of affirmation is your love language with men?
• 56:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah you don't even believe them. Yeah I know, but
• 56:31
  Speaker 3: they make it sound so good. Who are you a psycho?
• 56:35
  Speaker 3: A total psycho? Yes, you have your work cut out
• 56:39
  Speaker 3: for you, says one non physical thing that turns you
• 56:44
  Speaker 3: on instantly. Uh, I love, I really like.
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: In an intell Yeah, the intelligence.
• 56:55
  Speaker 3: Is not uh not physical, right that we wouldn't put
• 56:59
  Speaker 3: that in that category. Yeah, like an intelligent man like
• 57:01
  Speaker 3: as somebody who like really obvious, like exudes intelligence, because
• 57:06
  Speaker 3: intelligence isn't just to me knowing things. Intelligence is actually
• 57:11
  Speaker 3: fundamentally not knowing things. I can just like spit out
• 57:14
  Speaker 3: a fact. No, Like, someone who is intelligent to me
• 57:17
  Speaker 3: is somebody who asks a lot of questions, who is
• 57:19
  Speaker 3: genuinely curious about the world, who is uh has a
• 57:23
  Speaker 3: natural empathy for situations and things that they have a
• 57:27
  Speaker 3: sympathy for things that they have and experience.
• 57:29
  Speaker 2: They have the ability to learn new things.
• 57:32
  Speaker 3: Like a lot of people think of an intelligent person
• 57:35
  Speaker 3: as somebody who is like very educated.
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I think you were meaning like high IQ,
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: but that's not what you're talking about. You're talking about
• 57:41
  Speaker 1: curious person. You're just talking about curiosity.
• 57:43
  Speaker 3: But curiosity and then applied information. Like to me, it's
• 57:48
  Speaker 3: so easy to just know things, right, Like we have
• 57:51
  Speaker 3: access to all this information, like oh I know this
• 57:53
  Speaker 3: fact or I know that fact. That doesn't make you intelligence.
• 57:56
  Speaker 3: Somebody who's like actively trying to better themselves. Someone who
• 57:59
  Speaker 3: reas like not for the sake of like looking like
• 58:02
  Speaker 3: they read that like an intelligent person. To me, is
• 58:05
  Speaker 3: is a very attractive person.
• 58:07
  Speaker 2: Okay, so we also smell good.
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: Okay, so we enjoy intellectual intimacy and good smells.
• 58:16
  Speaker 3: Well, I mean, I don't like bad hygiene is just
• 58:19
  Speaker 3: insane to me. I would hope, like there's nothing scarier
• 58:24
  Speaker 3: than a man's apartment like that first or like home,
• 58:28
  Speaker 3: like that first entrance, like and you're like, okay, there
• 58:31
  Speaker 3: could literally be anything behind this door. The things that
• 58:35
  Speaker 3: I have seen. Oh my god, this man one's had
• 58:38
  Speaker 3: his mattress on the floor. I was like, ain't no
• 58:40
  Speaker 3: fucking way that you think I'm getting like on the floor.
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: On the floor. You're you've never been on a floor
• 58:46
  Speaker 2: mattress thrown man in like collegh you're a man. I've
• 58:52
  Speaker 2: I'm on a blow up air mattress. Okay, yeah, but in.
• 58:55
  Speaker 3: College not like not like a grown ass man like
• 58:58
  Speaker 3: you have what will order a frame, a six in
• 59:02
  Speaker 3: frame that raises.
• 59:03
  Speaker 2: Your bed off the floor on the floor of your home.
• 59:08
  Speaker 2: You put the he had a beach towel.
• 59:14
  Speaker 3: No, he still got it though, but still crazy crazy, so.
• 59:18
  Speaker 2: He doesn't need to then buy the frame. I did
• 59:21
  Speaker 2: get the frame for him.
• 59:22
  Speaker 3: I was like, this is unacceptable, Like, you must get
• 59:25
  Speaker 3: a frame, and you must get real towels. We're going
• 59:26
  Speaker 3: to target and getting real towels. You can't be drying
• 59:30
  Speaker 3: your ass off with a fucking beach towel. Oh my god,
• 59:35
  Speaker 3: in the insane insane Okay, but I mean it happens.
• 59:41
  Speaker 2: Final question he had muscles.
• 59:42
  Speaker 3: Final question, clinical definitions out for you personally?
• 59:48
  Speaker 2: What does the word intimacy truly mean?
• 59:51
  Speaker 3: Mmm?
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: I can't give you my clone.
• 59:55
  Speaker 2: I'm like, my you're feeling. What do you feel is intimacy?
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: So that is what intimacy is. Intimacy is feeling safe
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: and bonded through a shared experience, a mutual experience of
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: us exchanging personal storytelling and information positive and negative about
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: ourselves that we are actually afraid to reveal. If I
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: can get you pass that fear and you share with me,
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: that is the best form of emotional intimacy. And emotional
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: emotional intimacy is my favorite intimacy.
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 2: So that's what it is for you. Is being able
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 2: to like be open and honest.
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: Open, honest, and sharing. So he said, I can't go
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: clinical because it's it's what you What is it?
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 2: What it is for you?
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is it is us mutually sharing. So a
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: lot of times people will feel like intimacy is I
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: showed you a story and.
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 2: You listened.
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: We just had such an intimate moment. Emotional intimacy actually
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: requires and my love of it mutual. So when I
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: was saying, you broke the intimacy like we were supposed
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: to be ping ponging it back and forth, right, what
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: you did if we were lovers would essentially make me
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: feel unsafe. It would be like, hmm, do I want
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: to sign up for the challenges that are going to
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: come with this relationship because she is emotionally unavailable to
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: me and me knowing that, is she pretty enough for
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: me to want to continue down this road or have
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: to break those walls down. And it really requires for
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: us to get intimacy there at a rappert rate you
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: being involved in the process versus being resistant. Yeah, and
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 1: so for me it looks like you also having to share.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 1: So the reason why I asked you earlier too about
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: do you get men to be vulnerable? Because it requires
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: you to be vulnerable first, Like, for true intimacy to happen,
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: someone has to start. Majority of the time, men aren't
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: sharing as much about how they feel. Yeah, and so
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 1: usually we're the ones that like start that ball rolling.
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'll talk for a living Oh for sure.
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 1: So you and because you ask questions, people feel like
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: you care even when you don't.
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 3: I do care, do Yeah, I care, I care about
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 3: I care a little bit.
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 1: You're not emotionally invested if you don't trust, Like, if
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 1: you don't trust, if you don't love, if you're not
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: an intimate person, you're not emotionally invested. There's no emotional investment.
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: There's no attachment being played. My attachment powers can even
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: work on you if you are blocking our intimacy from happening.
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: And that's the problem with us, even like going through
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: sexual intimacy or just like the hookup culture, let's just
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 1: say hookup culture is we are sharing a very physical act,
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 1: very intimate act with someone, yeah, without the emotional attachment,
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: and then we're trying to go back later and be like, well,
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: can I get you emotionally attached?
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 3: And it's like, oh, that's it, Yeah, that's it it.
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 3: That is what the uh, the exception and not the rule,
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 3: and like we try to convince ourselves that because that
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 3: happened one time with one girlfriend, that that is what
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 3: the standard is for that. That's just that's not how
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 3: it works. Intimacy for me is it's kind of the same,
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 3: Like I think, I think it's really connecting with someone
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 3: them giving you a space to be heard and them
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 3: sharing with you, and then not just that, but there's
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 3: a follow up to that as well.
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 2: Like for me, it's protecting that.
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 3: Moment, Like don't not allowing that moment to like consume
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 3: the relationship to become like another character in our story.
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 2: Like we we share.
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 3: This thing, we had our moment, and now we're like
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 3: moving on as people. When I think of like the
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 3: most intimate and like safe relationships to me that I've
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 3: been in, I've been able to have those spaces and
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 3: like connect with someone and then not not wake up
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 3: the next day like with full raging anxiety about it
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 3: gonna it's gonna get thrown in my face or it's
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 3: gonna get brought up, or me having anxiety about what
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 3: they told me, and like how do.
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 2: I feel about them?
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 3: Like having a real conversation is and like being able
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 3: to move on from it, because so often in really
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 3: like in my experiences, it's like, okay, and this is
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 3: why I have so much resistance to these kind of
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 3: vulnerabilities amongst a million other experiences.
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 2: But one of the one of the reasons.
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 3: Why I have so much resistance to it is because
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 3: a lot of times in my experience, men will say
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 3: that they want that kind of vulnerability, right, and they're
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 3: asking for it. But then I'll give them a piece, right, Okay,
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 3: here's your here's your oppetizer test course, how you can
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 3: handle this conversation, and it becomes like this main character
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 3: in the relationship. It's like, well, you have more like
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 3: questions six days later, and then when this this next
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 3: situation happens, it's like it gets brought up and it's like,
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 3: wait a minute, Like I don't give a fuck what
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 3: you think about that conversation.
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 2: To be clear, that was me being vulnerable and honest
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 2: with you.
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 3: We could have had any conversation that you wanted to
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 3: have when we were talking about it in that moment,
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 3: and you shared what you shared, and then we closed
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 3: the book on that, like this is not about to
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 3: be our story.
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 1: They can't circle back and ask you more questions.
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 3: No, especially if it's not especially if it's something that
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 3: like was extremely vulnerable for me to share that I
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 3: did not have to share, Like this wasn't something that
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 3: needed to be brought up in order for us to
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 3: be together or get to know each other, Like you can't.
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of men want that.
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 3: But then I say this all the time, men like
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 3: the idea of me, not the reality of me.
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: But what if he's not processing in real time?
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 3: Grow up, Like, you're not about to put me into
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 3: a constant state of anxiety about having to speak about
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 3: something that was very difficult for me to speak about in.
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 2: The first place.
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 3: It's not that we can never never revisit it, but
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 3: you've allowed this to become the center of your universe.
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 2: I already closed the chapter on this in my life.
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 3: I have healed from this, I've gone through the therapy
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 3: I have forgiven myself, Like I'm sharing with you so
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 3: that you can get to know my story, not so
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 3: that you can then create a new trauma for me
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 3: from something that I have already healed from. You need
• 1:06:24
  Speaker 3: to grow up and figure out what kind of woman
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 3: you want to be with, because it's not me, like
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 3: that will never not be a part of my story.
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: Are you feeling judged when they come back with questions?
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 2: Judged?
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 3: But also I'm feeling like they are insecure about my experience,
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 3: And I think that's a super weirdo thing to do. Like,
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 3: how are you upset about something that happened to me?
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 3: That's crazy, that's crazy. Also, no amount of conversations is
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 3: going to change what happened in the past, Like, no
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 3: amount of revisiting it or extra questions or do you
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 3: still know this person?
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 2: Or why did you do this? Or what were you wearing?
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 3: Or like, no amount of those questions is going to
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 3: change what happens. You're allowed to take a time to
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 3: process it. But like, once it becomes a part of
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 3: your idea of me, it's a wrap because and that's
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 3: what causes me to not share, because like I'm not
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 3: I don't I don't have the energy to like be
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 3: re traumatized by something because somebody else is insecure.
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: But when you first shared with them, it was like
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: a test, like let's see if you can handle this. Yeah,
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: I agree with that. I call it fish and BROCOLI.
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: I do think that you should give them something that's
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: easy to digest, something that can measure how they can
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: handle you continuing to share more. Right, if they prove
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 1: that they can handle it, if they reinforce that you
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 1: are safe, if they still make you feel well cared
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 1: for after you were vulnerable, then you can go on
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: to steak and potatoes and give them the heavy stuff.
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 1: But if several times you have tested for fish and
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 1: broccoli and it isn't going down, then that lets you
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 1: know that you're not safe to share the remaining.
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're not a steak and potatoes guy. Correct, you
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 2: are not safe. Yes, so I'm sort of on the
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 2: right track.
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, But you know, like twenty other questions, I'm like,
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: because there's so many things that I think that it's
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 1: it's I don't want to say it's unfair, right because
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 1: I don't know specifically what it is that you're talking about.
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: But I do think that if you are going to
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 1: share someone, if you are going to I do believe
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: that if you're going to share something with someone, a
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: part of intimacy is me making you feel cared for,
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: but also inquiring. True intimacy can't be establish unless I
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 1: have questions and real concern for what it is that
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: you shared. So I do think that there should be
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 1: some type of grace around the questions that they're asking.
• 1:08:38
  Speaker 1: You are to automatically labeled that is insecure, so that
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 1: might speak specifically to what it is that you shared.
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 1: But I do think that it's okay for a partner
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 1: to ask, you know, hey, you know, how are you
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 1: handling that?
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 2: Now? How did you feel?
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 3: Like?
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 1: Follow up questions are important even if it isn't a
• 1:08:53
  Speaker 1: later or however, long as long as they're not punishing
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: you for what you shared was involved.
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's always punishment. I agree with that, like.
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 3: There's but it's so important how you frame a question
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 3: when you're asking this question. How often you have these questions?
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 3: And what the tone is.
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 2: Like environment, there's so many Yeah, Like.
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 3: It's like it's being presented as like almost like I
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 3: don't believe you type of energy, and it's like why
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 3: the why would I ever tell you anything?
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Why would I be vulnerable if.
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 3: I'm now going to be positioned as like I'm telling
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 3: you like bits and pieces of this, like.
• 1:09:38
  Speaker 1: What you work in a very male driven industry? Yeah,
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 1: is part of your lack of trust fomen based off
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 1: of what you've seen from working with such a high
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 1: population of men.
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 2: Uh, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that.
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 3: No, I mean, I wouldn't not say that, Like I
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 3: think every environment influences you in some ways. It's not
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 3: like I would unequivocally say that nothing I've seen has
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 3: you know, I charge you, of course, Like, yeah, of course,
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 3: but no, I wouldn't blame I wouldn't blame the industry necessarily,
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 3: Like it's based on your lived experience. Yeah, it's it's
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 3: it's my lived experiences, and I've had good and bad experiences,
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 3: like I think in anything in our lives, our bad
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 3: experiences tend to consume our you know, our deepest scars.
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 3: We put more energy into, like feeling those. When everything
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 3: is going good, we know it's inevitably going to end.
• 1:10:31
  Speaker 3: When things are going bad, we feel like it's going
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 3: to be forever. And I think that that, you know,
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 3: kind of full circle goes back to how we consume
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 3: dating and this you know, gender war that's going on online,
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 3: Like everything feeds back into almost this self fulfilling prophecy
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 3: of things.
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 1: Is your timeline feeding you that men aren't trustworthy?
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 3: No, I think I think the timeline is feeding me
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 3: now that uh I should date a twenty four that's
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 3: a bioga or the miserach on that part of the internet.
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 2: No, and I don't think that men are not trustworthy.
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 2: I think men are.
• 1:11:08
  Speaker 3: I think men haven't done a great disservice by society
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 3: in treating them like they are incapable, in treating them
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 3: like they don't have feelings or emotions. They're not allowed
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 3: to experience their feelings or emotions. They're shames for having
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 3: feelings or emotions. They're shames for coming out and saying
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 3: that they're suffering or that they need help. Their positions
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 3: as only valuable when they bring provisions, like when they
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 3: are providers, and they aren't. They don't have any value
• 1:11:39
  Speaker 3: outside of you know, physical protection or money. I think
• 1:11:43
  Speaker 3: that you know, generations of people have been taught certain
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 3: things because of the structure of society that we're in.
• 1:11:50
  Speaker 3: So you were taught you need to have a man,
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 3: because you literally needed to have a man in order
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 3: to survive and have children and pay your bills. If
• 1:11:58
  Speaker 3: you did, you couldn't be a woman and have a
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 3: credit card. You couldn't be a woman and start a
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 3: business like you literally had to have a man. A
• 1:12:05
  Speaker 3: man needed to provide for a woman or he would
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 3: not get a good quality woman because she would be
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 3: going for a man that could provide. Like, there are
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 3: these things that are hardwired in our grandparents and our
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 3: great grandparents, and they were past us. And it's all
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 3: these generational curses that as society moves in different directions,
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 3: we're trying to break. And there is still this, you know,
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 3: structure that doesn't necessarily always apply to modern society that
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 3: we're all trying to shift with and particularly with dating.
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 2: So or believe that we need men. Yeah, absolutely, I
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 2: love men. I hate that. I love men so much.
• 1:12:40
  Speaker 2: What do you love about them? I love how strong
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 2: they are.
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 3: I love their creativity. I love their resilience emotionally. I
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 3: love their soft side when they need to be present
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 3: for their children or their families, or their spouses or
• 1:12:59
  Speaker 3: partners or friends ends. I love their their vulnerability. I
• 1:13:07
  Speaker 3: think men are much more vulnerable than we give them
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 3: credit for.
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 2: I love their ability to lead.
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 3: I love their ability to uh take control of situations
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 3: and and uh protect everyone in the in the situation.
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 2: I love men. I think they're amazing me. Three three more.
• 1:13:30
  Speaker 3: I've said six nice things.
• 1:13:31
  Speaker 2: That's a lot. That's three more. That's solid. Well, we
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 2: don't want to start making put too much much.
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 1: More out because women need to hear this, and you
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: need to hear yourself saying it, because the more that
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 1: you say it right, the more there is a thought,
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 1: the more that we can operate in that emotion, and
• 1:13:48
  Speaker 1: more that we can operate in that emotion, the more
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 1: that it will become a true belief in manifestation, and
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 1: you will act like a woman who trusts men in
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 1: front of men, versus a woman who was clearly guarded.
• 1:14:00
  Speaker 3: Uh huh. Three more things. Uh, well, I'm physically attracked
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 3: to men.
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm been attractive.
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 3: I two more things about men. I think men are
• 1:14:22
  Speaker 3: funny okay, yeah, and.
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 2: I think they are good at sports. She did it,
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 2: and as like watching them.
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 1: Most women cannot remember why they want a man. They
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: don't understand that, they cannot be in the headspace of
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 1: what makes men so lovable. They have forgotten. And I'm
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 1: not gonna blame it on social media. I'm going to
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 1: say that it started in the household and then the
• 1:14:51
  Speaker 1: relationship experiences and now social media and internet just reinforced
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 1: what they were already feeling. But a lot of us
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 1: have forgotten what makes them so lovable and why we
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 1: do need one wh they're important, and what makes us
• 1:15:01
  Speaker 1: so great.
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 2: They are great, They're amazing. Some of them, a few
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 2: of them are. The male species is amazing.
• 1:15:07
  Speaker 3: They're they're doing okay. They could do better, they could
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 3: do better as a whole. But the top ones are
• 1:15:14
  Speaker 3: topping for sure.
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 2: Ones are talking. No, this was amazing.
• 1:15:19
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for coming down to too personal
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 3: and being personal and getting me to be very personal.
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 3: This might be like the most personal interview that I've
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 3: that I've done. You're very very good. We can see
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 3: Spicy Mari giving all the good advice on Netflix, Sneaky Links,
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 3: Dating after Dark and listen to her podcast, The Spicy
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 3: Life Podcast.
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 2: They can follow you on social at.
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 3: The Spicy Mari, Spicy Madi, Spicy go to the spicylife
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 3: dot com, The spicylife dot com Spicy Mady And do
• 1:15:47
  Speaker 3: we do we have fox Souls Late Night Love and
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 3: do we have a teaser on the book yet or
• 1:15:53
  Speaker 3: is this.
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 2: Okay? Looking for a publisher If anybody wants to, I know,
• 1:15:59
  Speaker 2: If you thank I will hook you up thank you
• 1:16:02
  Speaker 2: so much for coming down. This was great.
• 1:16:04
  Speaker 1: Oh, thank you for having me. Of course, I'm like,
• 1:16:05
  Speaker 1: I need to bring you online because we needed and
• 1:16:07
  Speaker 1: we needed to have the session.
• 1:16:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe I don't know you. I might be your
• 1:16:11
  Speaker 2: toughest client. Oh no, you would be surprised. You'd be surprised. Okay,
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 2: thank you, thank you for having me.
• 1:16:18
  Speaker 3: Oh, Spicy Marty got a little a little too personal.
• 1:16:21
  Speaker 3: That might have been the most personal conversation that I've
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 3: had with someone on the show yet. So make sure
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 3: you go and check her out and follow her as well.
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 3: It's not time for never too personal. You can be
• 1:16:31
  Speaker 3: a part of the show at two Personal Podcasts at
• 1:16:33
  Speaker 3: gmail dot com, or of course you can send us
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 3: a DM at two Personal Show. And I really love
• 1:16:38
  Speaker 3: this question. What do you think of being honest with
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 3: a friend you love? So part of what Spicy Marty
• 1:16:47
  Speaker 3: and I were talking about was being vulnerable and why
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 3: I think I'm a good friend. I think it's important
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 3: to be honest with everyone that you love, but when
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 3: we're talking about friendships, you have to be delicate and
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 3: be aware of the person that you're dealing with.
• 1:17:01
  Speaker 2: One thing that I.
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 3: Changed in how I deal with people that are close
• 1:17:05
  Speaker 3: to me in my life. That I changed many years
• 1:17:08
  Speaker 3: ago was once I know a person and I really
• 1:17:12
  Speaker 3: feel like I know their character, I know their story,
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 3: and I love them for who they are. I don't
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 3: expect them to be someone else. I know people change,
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 3: I know people learn, I know people grow, But I'm
• 1:17:27
  Speaker 3: not going to expect this person to react or consume
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 3: something I'm saying the same way that another person is.
• 1:17:33
  Speaker 3: And if you really want to reach someone, you have
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 3: to meet them where they are. This is a lesson
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 3: that I learned very recently. I am a very direct person.
• 1:17:42
  Speaker 3: I am a very aggressive person. Sometimes when I'm talking
• 1:17:45
  Speaker 3: to people, I'm just being honest and direct, and people
• 1:17:47
  Speaker 3: think I'm yelling. They take what I'm saying very personal.
• 1:17:51
  Speaker 3: Rather than listening to what I am saying, they take
• 1:17:53
  Speaker 3: it as disrespect because I'm being so direct. Sometimes you
• 1:17:57
  Speaker 3: have to add a little softer touch. Sometimes that person
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 3: might need a little tough love. But being honest with
• 1:18:03
  Speaker 3: your friends is very important. Sometimes that voice is the
• 1:18:08
  Speaker 3: voice that they need to hear. Their family might be
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 3: trying to reach them, their partner might be trying to
• 1:18:13
  Speaker 3: reach them, their job might be falling apart, and.
• 1:18:17
  Speaker 2: You being the friend that comes in.
• 1:18:20
  Speaker 3: In a space in a way with a voice that
• 1:18:22
  Speaker 3: they can hear, knowing that you care about them is
• 1:18:26
  Speaker 3: really really important. When my friends are honest with me,
• 1:18:29
  Speaker 3: even if I don't want to hear what they have
• 1:18:31
  Speaker 3: to say, when they feel like they need to be
• 1:18:33
  Speaker 3: honest with me about something, I listen because I know
• 1:18:36
  Speaker 3: it's coming from a place of love, and I know
• 1:18:38
  Speaker 3: it's coming from someone who truly knows me and knows
• 1:18:41
  Speaker 3: my character and knows why I'm off the path or
• 1:18:45
  Speaker 3: why I'm doing what I'm doing, and they're not just
• 1:18:47
  Speaker 3: telling me to change or get my shit together for
• 1:18:51
  Speaker 3: the hell of it. So I think being honest with
• 1:18:53
  Speaker 3: your friends is very very important. Knowing how often to
• 1:18:57
  Speaker 3: give feedback is important. You don't want to be the
• 1:18:59
  Speaker 3: friend that's always telling someone about themselves and knowing when
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 3: boundaries have to be enforce There's been times with friends
• 1:19:08
  Speaker 3: where I've had to say, like, look, I'm not going
• 1:19:10
  Speaker 3: there with you anymore. I will not listen to the
• 1:19:13
  Speaker 3: story again. I will not hear you complain about this
• 1:19:15
  Speaker 3: topic again. You do not have permission to dump on
• 1:19:17
  Speaker 3: me with about this thing that you refuse to change
• 1:19:20
  Speaker 3: in your life anymore. And it's not because I don't
• 1:19:22
  Speaker 3: want to be here for you. It's because we've reached
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 3: the end of the road for advice, Like we've reached
• 1:19:28
  Speaker 3: the end of the road for this struggle. It's now
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 3: on you to do something about it. And that's a
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 3: form of honesty as well. But I think friendships are
• 1:19:36
  Speaker 3: essential to a healthy and happy and full life, and
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 3: having your friends be honest with you is definitely a
• 1:19:42
  Speaker 3: big part of that.
• 1:19:44
  Speaker 2: Thanks for sending in that question again.
• 1:19:46
  Speaker 3: If you want to be a part of the show,
• 1:19:47
  Speaker 3: to Personal Podcasts at gmail dot com, or you can
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 3: dm us at two Personal Show. If you haven't already subscribed,
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 3: hit the subscribe button and we'll catch you next week.
• 1:19:56
  Speaker 2: Thanks for hanging out.