Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Toothbrushes, Bank Accounts, Passwords… How Much Should Couples Share?

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Toothbrushes, Bank Accounts, Passwords… How Much Should Couples Share? · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey there, folks, it is Saturday, July twenty fifth, and yes,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I would do anything for love, but you want to
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: know my location on my phone? But I won't do that.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Is that really a hangout, dude? Couples fight about whether
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: or not you can track them on their phone? Yes?
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: But can I just please acknowledge how exciting that just
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: was for me to have you use a Meatloaf lyric
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: in your intro. Oh, I didn't know it was a
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Meatloaf lyrics And thankful that's meat loaf.
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: That is so exciting to me.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry that just started this whole episode off in
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: a different way than I was not expecting.
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: TJ just quoted meat loaf.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I wasn't expecting that either. My my black friends weren't
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: expecting that. They're starting to see the results of dating
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: a white woman for five years.
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: You got yacht rock on the mind.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: That's yacht rock.
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: I think it's in the category. Yes, it's it's like
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: it's like a slow rock yacht rock. Yeah, it's yat rock.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Okay, I didn't even know that was a meat Loaf song.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Meat What was this genre?
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I would do anything for love meat loaf in general,
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: the dashboard like yeah, but I think it is yat
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: rock like.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: People who look like me like meat loaf.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, you people who look like me usually quoted we
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: eat meat loaf. But it makes sense. Folks are talking
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: about people we have known and we still now most
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: in love. People just love great relationships. They have these
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: limits and it's a weird thing. What is the big
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: deal about allowing your partner to track your location at
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: all times?
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: Some people think it's creepy. Some creepy like it's kind
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: of like that. Also do another song private eyes. They're
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: watching you, they see your every move. It's it's just
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: it feels invasive and oppressive to some folks. But I
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: do think that if you feel that way, if you
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: don't want someone knowing where you are, you should actually
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: question whether or not that's a symptom of a larger problem,
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: because I actually can go back and think about other
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: relationships and how that would have bothered me. Couldn't care
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: less if you track my location now doesn't bother me
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: at all. In fact, I think it's sweet. It's about safety,
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: it's about protection. It's not about surveillance.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Well that's important. Then that's a you thing. It would
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: bother you before. Why do you Why would somebody have
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: a problem with one partner tracking them and not problem
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: with a partner in a different.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Relationship, Because I think it speaks to my level of
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: comfort and safety with you.
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: And I also think, look, I don't.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: I don't, and not that I did before, but it's
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: just we're always together, so it's silly the true Let's
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: actually just go on the record and say we don't
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: follow each other. And I would if you said, hey, babe,
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: I'd really like to do it. Location service is on
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: for you, no problem, and you would feel the same bro.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: I've every time this comes up. It's a safety issue
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: for me. Of course I should know where you are.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Of course you should know where I am. Rodes you
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: take off. We run together all the time, but on
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: the occasions we don't. You walk out the door, I say,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: which way are you going? I want to know which
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: route you're taking? God forbid, something happens, Roes. We live
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: in New York City. A manhole cover can blow off
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: and the city goes into terrorism lockdown. I need to
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: know where my loved ones are and you are that
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: it's safety. I don't care who in their right mind
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: robes who is not up to anything, gives a damn
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: if their spouse knows exactly where they are. It's oh,
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: you only care if you're telling them one thing.
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: And you're doing enough, you're doing another. That's so true.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: What other scenario is there? Baby?
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: Yes?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: And again we're bringing this up not just about Life
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: three sixty in tracking people, but because we did a
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: recent article with Yahoo that got this conversation going.
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: Oh yes.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: They asked us basically, how much should you share with
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: your partner? And look, we're talking everything from locations to passwords,
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: to bank accounts to beauty products to you know, what
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: are your boundaries? And so we all have them and
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: we actually it was kind of fun because I hadn't
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: realized we hadn't really sad town and thought about what
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: do we share? And this came from a conversation that
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: gen Zers apparently are fearful of dating in the digital
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: fish bowl, so they don't like the whole location sharing,
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: relationship statuses, Instagram follows, likes, comments.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: All this stuff.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: It creates a whole new layer of how much do
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: you give? How much do you share with your partner.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: And there are lines I think all of us, boundaries,
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: all of us have in place, and they're different for
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: each couple.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Can I ask, does this it changes? Of course if
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: you're dating somebody, two months is different from two years. Absolutely,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: But in the are we speaking here in a general
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: sense of people who are in significant, serious, committed relationship, Yes, okay.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: Yes, And so we were asked what we sh and
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: you and I started going down the list and.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: We figured pretty much almost everything.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: We share a bed, we share some beauty products, facewash,
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: face cream, toothpaste.
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: We just merged all of our streaming services. That was long.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Overdue and very expensive for.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: Not sharing it. Yeah, we share passwords.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: I know your phone and computer password, vice versa. We
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: share chapstick. You don't love it, but in a pinch,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: you will give it to me.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Always in a pinch. You have to be desperate.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: You do have a joke though.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: There are times when we're out running, say and I
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: forget to bring because I am a chapstick lipstick, lip
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: gloss addict.
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: I have to have something on my lips at all times.
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: In the rare moments I have forgotten it.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: I have asked you, babe, Can I please have some
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: of your chapstick?
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: What do you say to me?
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Keep it? It's yours?
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: Now, that's you say it, but you don't mean it.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: I kind of do you know about I carry two
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: in my pocket at all times? You know that when
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I run, only carry one?
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: And we share bank accounts and so all of these
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: things are just things. We kind of rattled off pretty quickly,
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: pretty easily. But then when we went to what we
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: didn't share, we started laughing. And I feel like this
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: should be universal for me. This is an absolutely not
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: I think I put an expletive in there when I
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: talk to yahoo toothbrushes. I don't care if you forgot
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: yours and we're on vacation, use your finger or go
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: find a CBS.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: But you are not using my toothbrush.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: No circumstance on the winch that happen. I don't care
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: where we are, where we doing, I don't care. It
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter. In fact, my dentist even told me it
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter. He said, yeah, the brushing of the teeth
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: is more so about just most people want to have
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: fresh breath. He said, you need to floss, make sure
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: you always flossing. As long as you floss, you're gonna
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: be oky. We're gonna be fine.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: So you can just floss and not use your toothbrush.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: All right, People don't share toothbrushes.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Oh, I think people have absolutely In a pinch, I
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: don't think they do it. I don't think they do
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: it regularly. But in a pinch, we're saying no. That
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: is still about eva.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: What's a pinch like on vacation.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: And you're in a place like you got to some
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: remote airbnb. You can't call the lobby for a toothbrush
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: and you don't have yours.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: And we're going to be at this airbnb for the
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: next seven days and we can't go out at all.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Still not enough of.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: A we agree now this one you for you have
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: forgotten your deodoran a couple of times, and I have offered,
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: even though I don't love the idea of it.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: You absolutely said, Nope.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Not happening. Just some stuff's too intimate. It's not happening.
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: The deodorant I don't mind is much.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: It's an armpit, it's a it's a sacred area that
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: we shouldn't share things that don't there, shouldn't it just me,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: But I don't think people do that either.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: That's a pinch, Get a pinch. This is what I'm
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: talking about.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: And here's another one in a pinch where I I
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: absolutely would use your deodorant if you allowed. I wouldn't
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: do it without you asking or without you saying yes.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: And I would absolutely use your razor if I needed to,
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: But you said you would not use mine.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Another intimate part. It's a it almost feels what is that.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: That's a that's a hygiene issue right in your leg
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: to my face. I don't know about that. And you
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: could nick yourself, you could get cuts, and you could
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: bleed and no, no, no, no, all right.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: This is one that I thought didn't matter, but then
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: we had a conversation about it, and I started to
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: get it. So people get upset about sharing, like being
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: okay with likes comments could be a different story.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: But you, I said, I.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: Wouldn't care whoever whoever you like on a social media
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: page or whatever, if I can see who you've liked,
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: and I'm looking at what you've shared. Look, I don't
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: think it would bother me unless you kept liking, particularly
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: like specific women who weren't me. That might get a
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: little strange, but you said you thought it strange no
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: matter what, to have a grown man sitting around.
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: Liking another woman's post. Sweetheart, that's what you said. I
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: have a quote here from you.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: See I'm forty eight. If I was online on Instagram
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: and Sabrina Carpenter posted something, I put a thumbs up
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: a heart, what what are you talking about? So now
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: let's take it to somebody, a local, somebody a local,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: even somebody you know. In that public space, you are
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: publicly acknowledging giving approval to someone of the opposite sex
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: that anyone who sees you doing that might not understand
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: the relationship of the dynamics. You are sending a signal
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: that I think is disrespectful to your relationship. Even though
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: it might be innocent, it's still you should ever do.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: That, right And so the only reason why you wouldn't
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: want to share your Instagram profile with your partner is
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: that you might be doing things like that. But I
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: would still think you can see the shared or at
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: least you can see the likes. This is what you
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: compared it to, and I thought this was hilarious. You
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: probably don't even remember saying this, but I wrote it.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Down walking down the street.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: You compared it to walking down the street holding hands
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: with your woman, and you keep complimenting every other woman
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: passing by.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: How does that feel terrible? And again, not just complimenting
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: to your woman, it's complimenting the woman by saying it
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: directly to her as you're walking down the street. Oh ma'am,
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: I love that skirt, Oh fresh haircut, Good job, sweetheart,
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: And I'm right here.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: It's the same thing that makes sense that.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: People have a different thing. You know that, But I
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: that's one.
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: When you said it like that, I came around and
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: got it now.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: The other thing people can question about what you should share,
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: how much information about past or other.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Relationships, whatever's asked you, You don't offer anything. All you
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: need to know is I was married once. That's it.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: It was for this long.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: But if I want to ask questions, what went wrong?
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Anything you want?
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: Where did you start having problems you? And why did
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: you end up getting divorced? Those are all things I
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: think that should be answered, if asked. If not answered,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: there's a red flag.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Do not ever bring up an X without your current
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: spouse or partner asking. There's no reason you and I
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: would be sitting around and I started talking about college. Yeah,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: she used to cook those ribs just like that. What what?
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: But people do it all the time.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: We see it on dating shows and you say why
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: So I think that's a really good rule. Don't offer
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: up any unsolicited information about anyone you have past relationship with,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: but answer all questions and be transparent if you're asked
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: about it.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: I think that's true.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: What about sharing secrets that someone told you not to share?
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: Can you share it with your significant other?
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Cecurt that somebody told you not to share? No, I
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: mean it's a basic thing, not somebody. But that needs
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: to be explicit. Someone needs to explicitly say I need
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: you to not share this with anybody that's.
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: Including your spouse, including your partner.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: And you know that's a rule for all of us.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: You should say that if you're going to share a secret,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: you need to be specific. Don't share this with your spouse.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: It's kind of an understanding robes we just talk about everything.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: Look agreed, But do you think it's wrong to not
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: share it?
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: What if it had something to do with one of
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: your friends, Like say I had information about someone or
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: something in your orb and I was specifically given this
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: information and told not to tell you between your spouse.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: Do you think it's okay to honor that?
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: I think whoever told you to keep that from me
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: as an asshole. Seriously, how it's about me, it's about
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: my search, that's okay. That's a very specific and different scenario,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: but generally speaking.
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: Some just random gossip.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Yes, No, No, you you're supposed to honor anytime someone
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: asks you not to share a secret.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: I agree with you on that, but I think if
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: it pertains to your spouse, I think I would then
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: have to tell my friend. You can't tell me something
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: that affects us my partner, or affects someone or something in.
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: His world with.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: You can't expect me not to tell them. I think
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: it's unfair to believe someone won't tell their partner. I
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: think you're silly if you think someone isn't going to
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: I think most people do tell each other. But I
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: do think you just have to have that boundary with
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: a friend who has some information. Look, don't tell me
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: if I can't tell my spouse, or don't tell me
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: if it affects my spouse.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: And you're saying I can't tell you and Nikki.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Comes to you, I need to tell you something, but
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: you can't tell to youj.
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: She would know not to say that to me. She
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: knows I would tell you, all right.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: So we went over all the things we shared and
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: how it was such an interesting conversation, and I would
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: encourage everyone to have it with their partners because it
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: is funny to find out maybe some boundaries that you
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: didn't know each other had. But when we come back,
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: we are going to absolutely talk about our deal breakers.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: We absolutely this would be relationship ending if these things
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: weren't shared. Welcome back everyone to a very fun, interesting
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: conversation that we had here with some Yahoo producers. In fact,
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: you can look it up. It's on Yahoo. We have
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: a whole article out there about what's too much and
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: how much do you share with your partner and what
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: the deal breakers are. And this was kind of an
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: interesting and I was a conversation we had, and I
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: was glad we were on the same page pretty much
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: throughout this entire back and forth. And some of the
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: deal breakers. If you have somebody who you are in
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: a serious, significant relationship with and they push back on
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: having a joint account, we both agree there are certain
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: things you don't hide, that you don't not share, and
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: among them, maybe even one of the most important things
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: is money. Money, hidden money, unshared money. Not having an
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: open conversation or a transparent conversation about money, that's a
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: deal breaker.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I don't I don't know. People have their reason. I'm
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: trying to respect other people's situations and desires, And of
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: course we can, and then you can run to people.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: We have disproportional incomes and money in the bank that
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: can play into it, and prenuptial agreements, and one person
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: filthy rich and one person that's not. But we're not
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: talking about that. We're just for the sake of this.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: We were just talking about a regular old ruther Mill couples.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: I don't know, to each he's or her own. I
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: just it's certainly when you start, from the moment you start,
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: you have a household together, every dime that comes in
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: that I make, it should be going to the household.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not trying to build a separate life. So every
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: dime I make, once a relationship starts and a significant
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: one and we have a household and kids, and all
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: the money goes into one place. All this money is
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: coming into the house for this house and this life
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: that we are living. So I don't why still I
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: don't understand it. We're married, you have a job. I
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: have a job. I get my check, it goes over
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: here this account. You get your check, it goes over
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: there to that account. That is not something I've ever
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: been on board with, even though I've always been by
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: far the highest earner in my relationships. I just I
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: guess this would be to my disadvantage and it has
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: burned me tunes quite it has. But still, that's just
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: that's how I am. I just I don't know. Is
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: it where I'm from and I was when I was
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: raised around? I don't know, But that's.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: That's the way it goes.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: And that would just just I think when you when
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: you feel like someone isn't being someone's hiding something, there's
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: a power dynamic that comes with all of that. Pushing
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: back on location, we again, we haven't done it. But
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: if either one of us, if I said, ooh, I
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: don't think I want you to follow me, I don't
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: think I want you to have my location services, what
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: does that say to you as my partner?
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: Nothing yet until I ask why I would like to
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: hear your answer. I really, I don't know. Is there
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: a good reason I'm listening? You know, I'm fairly fair
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: in these situations. All right, let me hear it, and
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: I am open. I'm not immediately offended. No, but I
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: would like to hear what that logic is. So why, then, sweetness,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: do you not want to share your location?
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: Yes? Okay, I was asking. Oh no, I let's do
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: it right now.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: We should actually at the end of this podcast, we
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: should share each other's locations.
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: It's literally a one poop a slide and.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Then we've been the rest of the day right next
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: to each other.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Well, that's the thing, that is the absolute truth.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: We have not needed to do it because the only
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: time is if we run separately at different times during
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: the day.
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: That's really the only time we're not together.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: We should share it at some point. Is sometimes one
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: of the funniest things I see. We have got to be.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: We.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I would put us up against in a competition the
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: engage the couple that texts each other less than us.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: There's nobody. If you look through our text exchanges, you
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: are the person I text least because I'm sitting.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: Next to you, right, and it's all work stuff, Like
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: I'm texting things to you to put up on.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Here's the title and rundown for the next episode. Okay,
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: that's the.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: Only thing I text you is work stuff, all right.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: And I think the argument is by not sharing, you're hiding.
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: It's lying by omission.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: It still feels deceptive if you're refusing to share the location.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: I just don't think there's a an explanation that makes
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: any sense.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: All right, take that role for just a second. Just
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: take a moment right now, Just be the woman who
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: doesn't want her man or fiance that they've been together
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: for five years. He wants her to give up the
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: location so he can track her. She says no, Now
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: make a legit. Put it together right now? An argument
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: for sweetheart, I don't want to do that, because just
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: take the role on, even if it's not in your heart.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Give me some reason, baby, I don't want you to
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: follow me because I'm.
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: Just supposed to make something up. Because it feels oppressive.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: A because it feels oppressive because I just don't like
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: the idea that somebody knows where I am at all times.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: I like my freedom, I like my privacy, and in
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: moments if I want to go, and you've upset me
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: and I want to go to a park and sit
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: in my car and cry.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: I don't necessarily want you to be able to follow me.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: The sweetheart, we haven't had a fight in twelve months,
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: so the car part I don't necessarily understand. But why
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: why did you feel you need privacy from me? We
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: share a home, we share a toothbrush sometime, even so
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: why do you need privacy from me?
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: Sometimes that feels like a lot, and I just need
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: my space. It's just who I am as a person.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: But as you get the space you have it, I'm
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: not there with you. But as a matter of safety,
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: why is it that this is something you oppose?
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: So I don't feel totally independent and private if I
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: know that you know where I am. There's just something
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: about the idea of it, That's all I can tell you.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: It just feels like it's surveillance. It doesn't feel like safety.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: It feels like surveillance.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: Do you feel, like, sweetheart, that I am oppressive in
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: such a way that I surveil you? I know I
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: want to know sincerely, because there's something I want to
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: do Differently, I would never want the woman that I'm
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: going to spend the rest of my life with to
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: feel that I'm some secret service agent hovering above her
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: life all the time.
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, you're trying to make the point that there is
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: no good.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Harris, I'm not. I'm actually trying to hear a legit reason,
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: and I'm trying to hear one that I would go, oh, okay.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: I think it's just that that's the only thing I
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: can think of, other than you're doing something you shouldn't,
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: or you're going somewhere you didn't tell them where you
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: have a shopping addiction, or you have a boyfriend, or
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: you're seeing someone that you don't want them to know,
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: Like there's no other.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: You finally gave me something I could go with I
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: didn't maybe not have to do with some other guy
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: or some other relationship. We've seen these stories all the time.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: I'm at the casino, you're hiding stuff in that way.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: It's still bad.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: I'm at the shopping mall, I'm at the casino.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to think, where do I ever go that
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: I don't tell you that I'm going, or I sneak
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: and go.
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: Do you know what the only time would be if
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: we're buying gifts for each other.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Okay, fine, I'm a TJ Max.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: That's funny. And then the last one was passwords.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: I do think that if you refuse to share a
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: password for your phone or for your computer, I do
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: think that I can't think of a legitimate reason other
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: than distrust or you're hiding something, because why would you care?
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: Like I don't care private location to me?
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like, but I don't care. You can look at
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: my phone, there's nothing on there now.
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: I don't want.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: I also know that you're not going to be reading
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: my private text messages with my girlfriends, and.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: That's why you feel comfortable, correct.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: But I wouldn't want to be with someone who I
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: didn't feel comfortable about that. And look if I thought
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: if I left out my diary right there, if I
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: thought you might read it, I wouldn't want to be
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: in a relationship with someone like that. That for me,
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: I have a major major issue with anyone who eavesdrops,
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: or read someone's private I don't know, documents, letters, whatever,
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: opens people's mails, mail, listens in on conversations like, there
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: are certain personalities like that, And you're right, I wouldn't
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: want to.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: Give my password to that kind of a person. But
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with that
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: kind of a person.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that one seems more pride. I think if you
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: made the argument that you didn't want me to know
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: the password to your iPad, to your laptop, to your phone,
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: I would maybe understand that a little differently.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Really, but we've given them to each other. See, I
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: would have a problem. I think you need to out
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: of venience.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: How many times, hey babe, can you open my phone
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: and da da da we need it? How many times
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: am I driving so convenience?
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: It's not for anything other.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: I would never ever look even when I see a
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: message pop up on your phone, I don't go and
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: look over and see who's sending that, Like we'll see
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: like we a little color coded for our girls. You'd
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: be like, I think a child is trying to read you,
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: because mind her pink and so is Bean. I can
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: see her little emoji. I like, I think Bean's trying
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: to get you. That's that's about it, So that.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I can understand doing that. But you've got to I
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: think that's that's one of the biggest things in trust.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: If you want to have trust in a relationship, or
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: send a message of trust in a relationship or that
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: you're not hiding something. Let the other person have all
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: your passwords.
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: Here you go. I'm an open book. I do think.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: I do think if you don't want that, if you're
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: hesitant to share information, if you're hesitant to share things period,
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: you just I think you just need to get curious
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: with yourself, ask yourself why, and trust your gut. There's
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: a reason why you don't want to, And we're not
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: here saying you should. If you don't want to, and
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: you don't think you should, then you should go deeper
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: about why and then get into the relationship itself. And
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: what is it about that relationship that makes you not
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: want to share?
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: And some people are just different and you can have
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: a wonderful relationship. Can you not and still not want
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: to share your location and share your passwords and still
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: be in a great relationship?
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: Agreed right to each their own.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: But it is fascinating to have the conversation with your
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: loved one just to see where you both stand, because
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: you might be in the same place and you might
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: be on opposite that's not true.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: How many people have had this? Wow, there's some people
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: right now who have not mentioned how much they're annoyed
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: that they don't have their loved ones passwords. They don't
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: even talk about it.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you should talk about it.
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: Maybe this has sparked some combos. Those are always a
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: good thing. And with that, everyone, we always appreciate you
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: listening to us. I mean you Robot alongside TJ. Holmes.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: We'll talk sim