Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #8: The bizarrely unexpected secret to lasting happiness

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#8: The bizarrely unexpected secret to lasting happiness · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the All New Positivity Podcast, Episode eight. Hello.
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  Speaker 1: My name is doctor Justin Coulson, and welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: podcast that's dedicated to making your life, your work, and
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  Speaker 1: your family happier. Today. An idea that I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: share with you that is so simple you probably won't
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  Speaker 1: believe it. I'll share it with you right now, in fact,
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  Speaker 1: but it is really simple and you need to hear
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  Speaker 1: more to really understand it. We think that we're going
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  Speaker 1: to be happy. We think there'll be more positivity in
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  Speaker 1: our lives if we can just get more stuff, whether
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  Speaker 1: it's the house or the car, or the perfect family
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  Speaker 1: or the perfect body, or whatever it might be. While
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  Speaker 1: it's true that getting stuff is good, the reality is
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  Speaker 1: that giving is better. Today, I'm going to talk about
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  Speaker 1: how our giving makes us happier and how it also
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  Speaker 1: makes those around us happier compared to receiving. As well
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  Speaker 1: as that. On my Facebook page this week, there was
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  Speaker 1: a big brew haha about dealing with tantruming toddlers. So
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  Speaker 1: for my Ask Doctor Justin's segment this week, I'm sticking
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  Speaker 1: with that theme and I'll share my DearS to help
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  Speaker 1: you to solve the toddler tantrums for once and for all,
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  Speaker 1: as well as that a quick positivity hack today, and
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  Speaker 1: some great quotes about wrapping up the podcast with fun,
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  Speaker 1: happiness and kindness and a little bit deep as well
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  Speaker 1: up next though, it's the bizarre secret to happiness that
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  Speaker 1: nobody believes until they try it.
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  Speaker 2: Parenting is the most important thing we will ever do,
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  Speaker 2: so it's important that we get it right, but with
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  Speaker 2: so much pressure, demands and advice, it's hard to know
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  Speaker 2: what our children really need. Using the very best scientific
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  Speaker 2: research and then turning it into an easy to read
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  Speaker 2: book and cd What your Child Needs from You helps
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  Speaker 2: you connect with your children in meaningful ways. Dr John
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  Speaker 2: Irvine reviewed it and said practical, easy to read, well referenced,
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  Speaker 2: and cover so many of the day to day topics
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  Speaker 2: parents agonize over, and Michael Gross claimed this is a
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  Speaker 2: book that deserves a special place by the side of
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  Speaker 2: every parent's band. What your Child Needs from You from
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  Speaker 2: doctor Justin Coulson is the parenting book that offers the
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  Speaker 2: solutions to make you a better parent can help your
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  Speaker 2: family to be happier. Available as an e book and
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  Speaker 2: an audiobook at major online booksellers now and at Justinkolson
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  Speaker 2: dot com.
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  Speaker 1: You probably had a grandmother or an auntie, or maybe
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  Speaker 1: even your own parents say to you it's much better
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  Speaker 1: to give than to receive. I didn't buy it when
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  Speaker 1: I was a kid. I thought, no way, the more
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  Speaker 1: stuff I've got, the happier I'll be, And especially at
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  Speaker 1: Christmas time, it was just I want, I want. Well
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  Speaker 1: are my seminars for professionals. I run a seminar called
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  Speaker 1: will the Best Me Please Stand Up? It's one of
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  Speaker 1: my favorite keynote speeches to give, and it's all about
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  Speaker 1: harnessing the power of positive psychology to make our lives
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  Speaker 1: and the lives of people around us better. Recently, I
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  Speaker 1: shared this seminar with a room full of eighty to
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  Speaker 1: one hundred people who are in leadership roles in a
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  Speaker 1: certain company, and I got four volunteers to come to
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  Speaker 1: the front of the room. One volunteer I gave five
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  Speaker 1: dollars to and said, I'd like you to spend this
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  Speaker 1: on yourself before the day's out. Just go buy yourself
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  Speaker 1: a treat and enjoy it. The second volunteer, I said,
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  Speaker 1: here you go, here's five dollars for you to spend
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  Speaker 1: on somebody else before the end of the day, the
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  Speaker 1: third volunteer I gave twenty dollars to and I invited
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  Speaker 1: them to spend the twenty dollars on themselves before the
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  Speaker 1: end of the day, going buy yourself something really nice.
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  Speaker 1: And the fourth volunteer, I gave them twenty dollars and said,
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  Speaker 1: I want you to spend this twenty dollars on somebody else.
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  Speaker 1: Buy something nice for somebody. Then I'll turned around and
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  Speaker 1: said to the whole room, so who do you think
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  Speaker 1: is going to be the happiest and who's going to
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  Speaker 1: be the most miserable. Somebody old out, well, you're going
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  Speaker 1: to be the most miserable, justin because you've just made
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  Speaker 1: yourself fifty dollars poorer. But then we discuss who would
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  Speaker 1: actually be the happiest and who would be the unhappiest.
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  Speaker 1: Research tells us something really interesting. When this experiment has
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  Speaker 1: been done, whether on paper or with real money, something
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  Speaker 1: interesting happens. People always expect that the person who gets
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  Speaker 1: twenty dollars to spend on themselves will be happiest and
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  Speaker 1: the person who's got twenty dollars to give away is
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  Speaker 1: going to be the most unhappy. Well, it turns out
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  Speaker 1: that when we give people the money, and we question
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  Speaker 1: them about it before and after the fact, something really
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  Speaker 1: interesting happens. The amount of money actually doesn't matter, It
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  Speaker 1: doesn't really impact on happiness at all. However, what does
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  Speaker 1: impact on happiness is what we do with it. And
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  Speaker 1: contrary to our expectations, the people who are given the
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  Speaker 1: money to give away to buy something nice for somebody
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  Speaker 1: as a gift end up significantly happier than the people
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  Speaker 1: who have been given the money to spend on their
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  Speaker 1: own needs. The other really interesting thing is they also
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  Speaker 1: make somebody else happier as well. Netta Weinstein is a
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  Speaker 1: researcher from either the US or Canada I can't quite
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  Speaker 1: remember now. I think she's from Canada, and she's done
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  Speaker 1: some really interesting research on helping people as well. She's
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  Speaker 1: found that when we ask somebody to help somebody and
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  Speaker 1: they do it because they feel like they have to,
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  Speaker 1: doesn't really make them much happier. In fact, sometimes they
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  Speaker 1: become quite resentful. They're being forced, they're being controlled. But
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  Speaker 1: when somebody's given an option to help and they choose
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  Speaker 1: to do it when it's autonomously motivated, they end up
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  Speaker 1: with a big happiness boost. The really really interesting thing
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  Speaker 1: about this is that those effects are also found in
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  Speaker 1: the person who has helped. It's not just us that
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  Speaker 1: gets a boost out of helping somebody or being kind
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  Speaker 1: to somebody. It's also the person we're being kind too,
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  Speaker 1: so long as they know that we're doing it because
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  Speaker 1: we want to do it now. Todd Kashton and Mike
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  Speaker 1: Steger two of my favorite researchers in the world. They've
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  Speaker 1: done a little bit more research in this area. And
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  Speaker 1: this is the last study I'll tell you about, but
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  Speaker 1: they compared people who were doing hedonic behaviors. They were
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  Speaker 1: doing things that just felt good. You know, I'm all
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  Speaker 1: about having a good time, maximizing pleasure, minimizing pain. That's
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  Speaker 1: what we would call hedonic behaviors. Examples of that might
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  Speaker 1: be going to a big party, or eating more than
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  Speaker 1: I needed to, or being intimate with somebody just because
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  Speaker 1: it felt good. Maybe spending a whole lot of money
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  Speaker 1: on something that I really wanted, or over indulging and
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  Speaker 1: being excessive in other areas their hedonic behaviors and Steger
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  Speaker 1: and Kashton compared people who were acting hedonically with people
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  Speaker 1: who are acting what we call you demonically. Aristotle talked
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  Speaker 1: about you demonia being living your best life, living a
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  Speaker 1: character and virtue filled life. So we're talking about people
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  Speaker 1: who are volunteering their time, giving money, expressing gratitude, listening
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  Speaker 1: to somebody carefully, that kind of behavior. What they found
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  Speaker 1: was that in two studies, reports of behavior that came
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  Speaker 1: from you demonic theories showed greater life satisfaction, greater meaning life,
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  Speaker 1: and greater positive emotion people who were acting hedonically. Well,
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  Speaker 1: that was less consistently related to wellbeing. It might feel
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  Speaker 1: good in the moment, but it seems like over time
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  Speaker 1: if we look at how people are feeling from day
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  Speaker 1: to day based on what they did today and what
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  Speaker 1: they did yesterday. When we're doing stuff that just feels
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  Speaker 1: good for us, we get a little bit of a
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  Speaker 1: boost in the moment, but we don't actually feel better
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  Speaker 1: about it for long. When we do something good for
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  Speaker 1: other people, it seems to have a sustaining, ongoing effect.
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  Speaker 1: This is what they wrote in their research. They said,
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  Speaker 1: we had anticipated that hedonic behavior reports would be related
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  Speaker 1: to daily positive emotions, given the emphasis placed on pleasure
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  Speaker 1: when we do something hedonic. However, e domonic behavior reports
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  Speaker 1: and not hedonic behavior reports were most consistently related to
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  Speaker 1: positive emotion. They also said, this chocolate cake from a
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  Speaker 1: vending machine can please us, but chocolate cake from a
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  Speaker 1: spouse or child can elevate us. In this present study,
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  Speaker 1: you demonic behaviors may have had deeper, more meaningful effects
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  Speaker 1: than hedonic behaviors, supplying participants with positive emotion and perhaps
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  Speaker 1: helping them to identify opportunities to acquire resources important to
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  Speaker 1: their future. It seems that hedonic behavior was inversely related
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  Speaker 1: to positive emotion, and it was positively related to negative emotion.
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  Speaker 1: In other words, what we're doing is we're seeing that
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  Speaker 1: those who most often engage in pleasure seeking behavior tend
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  Speaker 1: to have less desirable emotional and psychological lives. The research
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  Speaker 1: suggests that pleasure seeking is a poor long term strategy
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  Speaker 1: if we want to have enduring well being, enduring happiness.
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  Speaker 1: When we're kinder people, we have an impact on them,
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  Speaker 1: but an even more profound impact on us. A short
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  Speaker 1: while ago, I was walking through Bondi Junction. It's one
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  Speaker 1: of the more busy parts of Sydney, I suppose you
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  Speaker 1: might say, and it's a fairly affluent area as well.
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  Speaker 1: And while I was standing at some lights waiting to
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  Speaker 1: cross a road. I noticed on the opposite side of
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  Speaker 1: the lady sitting on a rug holding up a sign,
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  Speaker 1: and the sign indicated that she'd been abused. She was
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  Speaker 1: a victim of domestic violence, and she had nowhere and nothing,
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  Speaker 1: and so she was begging for food or money or
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  Speaker 1: something to help clothe and school her children and herself.
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  Speaker 1: And I watched people, hundreds of people walk past her
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  Speaker 1: and not even glance at her, and something about the
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  Speaker 1: situation made my heart go out to her. Now, somebody
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  Speaker 1: said to me later, she could have just been a junkie.
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  Speaker 1: She could have just been trying to score some cash
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  Speaker 1: so she could go and get a next hit. But
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  Speaker 1: I stopped as I walked towards her, and I crouched
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  Speaker 1: down in front of her. I didn't actually have any
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  Speaker 1: cash on me. I usually only carry a card with
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  Speaker 1: me so that I don't spend all my cash. But
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  Speaker 1: I apologized to her and said if I had cash,
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  Speaker 1: I would have loved to have given it to her,
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  Speaker 1: and explained that I only carried a card on me.
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  Speaker 1: But I also said to her that I'd noticed that
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  Speaker 1: she seemed to be invisible to most people, but she
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  Speaker 1: wasn't invisible to me and that I was terribly sorry
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  Speaker 1: for he her suffering, and I wish that there was
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  Speaker 1: something that I could do to alleviate that. Something really
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  Speaker 1: profound happened at that moment. Somehow she held it together
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  Speaker 1: but holding back sobs. She thanked me, and she said,
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  Speaker 1: I sit here all day and I am invisible. People
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  Speaker 1: don't see me. And she commented that just me stopping
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  Speaker 1: to acknowledge her made a significant difference for her. It
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  Speaker 1: boosted her, it made her feel better. Now, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know if it really will have a long term effect
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  Speaker 1: on her. She probably needs more than just kind words,
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  Speaker 1: But it can be that easy to be kind, to
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  Speaker 1: just pause and speak to somebody kindly and show some empathy,
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  Speaker 1: show some acknowledgment, show some kindness. So here's my question
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  Speaker 1: for you. How do you show kindness? Not out of
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  Speaker 1: judy because you're a boss and you have to be polite,
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  Speaker 1: or because you're a parent you have to be patient,
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  Speaker 1: but true kindness where you give something of yourself. How
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  Speaker 1: do you show that sort of kindness each day in
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  Speaker 1: your interactions? What would happen if you did it more?
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  Speaker 1: Leave your answer at justinclson dot com. Slash Podcast slash eight.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: That's like the number eight. I'd love to hear about
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  Speaker 1: your kindness experiences and how it's affected you and how
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  Speaker 1: it's affected those people who are around you. That's justinclson
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  Speaker 1: dot com slash podcast Slash eight up next. It's the
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  Speaker 1: big issue of toddler tantrums.
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  Speaker 3: Most children have worn curious and confident. They love to
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  Speaker 3: explore the world, mean new friends, and try new things.
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  Speaker 3: But between the ages of two and twelve, confidence often
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: drops off. Why is this and how can we rebuild it?
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: Creating Confident Kids Scientific Strategies for Building Self Belief in
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: Children is an easy to read ebook for busy parents.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: In this e book, doctor Justin Coulson shares simple strategies
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: to create confidence in kids. Using his skill at simplifying
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: the science and a lot of straight from the herd stories,
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: you discover the five biggest confidence crushes, the five best
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  Speaker 3: confidence boosters, and twenty questions to clearly identify your child's
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  Speaker 3: view of their family identity, plus a bonus chapter to
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: share surprising confidence boosters for people of all ages. Creating
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: Confident Kids at major online booksellers now or at Justinculson
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: dot com.
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  Speaker 1: If you've ever been a parent of a toddler, you'll
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  Speaker 1: know that there are very few things that can impact
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  Speaker 1: our positivity as quickly and as negatively as toddler tantrum's.
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  Speaker 1: Last week, I posted a picture on my Facebook page
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  Speaker 1: of a child and a shopping trolley with a sign attached.
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  Speaker 1: The sign said, please ignore my tantrum. I'm learning that
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  Speaker 1: screaming doesn't work. Now A few things went through my
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: mind when I saw that. First of all, who in
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: the world will take a photo like that and post
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  Speaker 1: it on social media? But second, is the child learning
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  Speaker 1: that screaming doesn't work by being left alone in a
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  Speaker 1: shopping trolley to scream? Well, maybe, but I don't think so.
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  Speaker 1: Further to that, is it healthy, Well, I definitely don't
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  Speaker 1: think so. How are we supposed to deal with toddler tantrums?
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  Speaker 1: Let me share with you a couple of things that
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  Speaker 1: I think might make some sort of an impact when
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  Speaker 1: it comes to your toddlers, and they're extraordinarily big emotional outbursts.
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  Speaker 1: The first thing that you need to know is until
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  Speaker 1: about the age of four and a half five years old,
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  Speaker 1: children don't have something that psychologists call theory of mind
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  Speaker 1: and what that basically means is their brain doesn't have
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  Speaker 1: the capacity to understand that another person may want something
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  Speaker 1: different to them, that another person may have different motives
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  Speaker 1: or thoughts or ideas to them. So when the most
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  Speaker 1: important person in a toddler's world, Mum or dad, says
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  Speaker 1: no to a toddler, the toddler kind of goes, what's
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  Speaker 1: going on here? You're supposed to love me and this
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  Speaker 1: is what I want, and how can you say no
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  Speaker 1: to me? Because you're supposed to be thinking exactly what
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  Speaker 1: I think. And they don't know how to deal with it.
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  Speaker 1: They don't have theory of mind, and that is a
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  Speaker 1: fairly significant cause of many toddler tantrums. Now, the next
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  Speaker 1: thing that we need to understand as well, is that
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  Speaker 1: toddlers don't know how to regulate their emotions at all.
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  Speaker 1: They're feeling this thing inside them, this swelling, big emotional thing.
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  Speaker 1: They don't know what it's called. They know that it's
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  Speaker 1: kind of quite scary to be feeling it, and they
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  Speaker 1: can feel that it's getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Now,
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  Speaker 1: that emotional that lack of emotional intelligence also causes them
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  Speaker 1: great concern and it can cause them huge amounts of stress,
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  Speaker 1: and they get more and more and more wound up
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  Speaker 1: the more it happens. So when we get cranky at
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  Speaker 1: our toddlers for having big emotions, for having tantrums, we're
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  Speaker 1: actually neglecting to understand these two important developmental facts. Number One,
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  Speaker 1: I can't control my emotions. I'm just too young to
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  Speaker 1: really be able to regulate them. Kids are usually going
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  Speaker 1: to be somewhere around seven or eight years old before
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  Speaker 1: they're starting to regulate their emotions fairly consistently. And let's
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  Speaker 1: face it, we all know some adults who don't know
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  Speaker 1: how to regulate their emotions, so let's go easy on
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  Speaker 1: the two or three year old. But secondly, they don't
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  Speaker 1: have the brain capacity to be able to understand how
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  Speaker 1: or why we'd be saying no to them, because it
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  Speaker 1: just it doesn't compute if they want to go on
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  Speaker 1: that little ride in the shopping center, if they want
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  Speaker 1: to have a chocolate bar, if they want whatever it is,
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  Speaker 1: the lollipop, or if they just want to be picked
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  Speaker 1: up and held and we're saying no and telling them
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  Speaker 1: to get over it. They can't understand that. Intellectually, cognitively,
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  Speaker 1: they don't have the brain power to really work through that,
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  Speaker 1: particularly when they're emotional. So what should we do. Well,
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  Speaker 1: let's talk about the shopping center. First of all, my
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  Speaker 1: number one rule. If you can, and I know that
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  Speaker 1: not everybody can, but if you can, don't take your
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  Speaker 1: kids shopping. They don't like being in shopping centers, particularly
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  Speaker 1: when it's late, or when they're tired, or when we're stressed,
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  Speaker 1: or they're stressed, or they're hungry or in a hurry.
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  Speaker 1: Shopping centers and children are not a really great mix.
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  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 1: I know that sometimes we've got to take our kids.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that this is going to happen in
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  Speaker 1: everybody's world, but if you can time your shop so
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  Speaker 1: that your child is either happy or can be looked
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  Speaker 1: after by somebody else, that's the best time to do it.
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  Speaker 1: Always possible, I understand that, But if you can shop alone,
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  Speaker 1: i'd recommend it. Okay. Now, if you do have to
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  Speaker 1: go with your child, take something to occupy them or
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  Speaker 1: be engaged with them to help keep them occupied. Don't
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  Speaker 1: just give them a phone or advice and say here,
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  Speaker 1: play with that kid. Spend time teaching them, talking to them,
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  Speaker 1: engaging them. Look at the strawberries, what color are they?
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  Speaker 1: You don't get them talking to you about different things
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  Speaker 1: that are happening in the shops. Get them to help
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  Speaker 1: you find something. As you walk through the fruit and
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  Speaker 1: veggie aisle, say we're looking for the green lettuce. Can
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  Speaker 1: you help me find the lettus point when you see it.
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  Speaker 1: Get them involved in shopping and make it a game.
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  Speaker 1: Engage with them. It'll be one of the best things
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  Speaker 1: that you can do, and it'll make shopping happier for
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  Speaker 1: you and for them. If your child starts to get upset,
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  Speaker 1: go with an emotion coaching approach. I've talked about this
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  Speaker 1: a lot of times in my blogs and in my books,
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  Speaker 1: but I'll talk about it again briefly here. Emotion coaching
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  Speaker 1: means that, first of all, we stay calm because emotions
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  Speaker 1: are contagious, and we recognize our child's emotion as an
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  Speaker 1: opportunity for connection. We spend a moment or two trying
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  Speaker 1: to understand why our child's feeling the way that she does.
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  Speaker 1: We actually identify the emotion that our child is feeling,
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  Speaker 1: and we give it a name. We might say to
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  Speaker 1: our child, you're feeling really upset, you're feeling really frustrated.
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  Speaker 1: You'd really like to get out of this shopping trolley,
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  Speaker 1: you're really feeling hungry right now. And then we offer
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: reassurance and comfort. Maybe one of my followers on Facebook
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: calls at hug therapy. We offer a cuddle, We validate
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: the emotion. We might say I feel like that when
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I'm shopping as well. Sometimes that's exactly how I feel,
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: and we offer more comfort. Now, if our kids won't
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: calm down, go somewhere with them and spend some time
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: helping them to work through the emotions safely and help
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: them to regulate the emotion just by being there and
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: being a safe place with them. I know that you
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: can't always just leave your shopping trolley full of stuff
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: and go and hide in the corner of the bakery
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: and start talking to them. It's not always practical, but
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: in an ideal world, this is what you'll be trying
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: to do. And once things have come then you can
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: restate quite clearly what you expect, or get them to
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: tell you what's expected. Is even better, and spend some
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: time chatting about what the best way to behave is now.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: I've run through this with dozens of my coaching clients
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: and they all say the same thing. I don't have
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: time for that. But then they try it and they
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: alsay the same thing. They say that worked so well
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: and so fast, that is unbelievable. With my own kids,
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: I offer kindness and I offer empathy whenever there is
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: a tantrum, if the tantrum escalates, and I'll give you
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: an example. A couple of years ago, my now four
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: year old she was two two and a half maybe
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: three years old, and she was having a massive tantrum
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: at the table. So I talked to her. I said, Lily,
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: you're feeling a really upset right now, or Lily, you
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: don't want to eat the dinner or whatever it was.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: And she kept on screaming and kicking the table, and
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: I said, Lily, if you don't behave like that at
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: the table, we need to be quiet, and we need
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: to be kind and we need to be respectful. So
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: you can sit here quietly and do the right thing,
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: or Daddy will take you somewhere else so that we
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: can calm down together. And she kept it up. So
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: I picked her up and I said, would you like
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: a cuddle? And she started fighting against me and pushing
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: against me as I carried her out into the lounge
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: room and I sat on the lounge with her, and
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: she kept on fighting and screaming, and I said, we're
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: having dinner, and it's not okay to make all this
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: noise at the dinner table. So I'm constantly resetting the limit,
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: but I'm not getting mad at her. And I said
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: to her, would you like to calm down and come
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: back in for dinner or would you like to stay
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: in here and be upset? She didn't say anything, she
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: just kept on screaming. So I took that as I'd
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: rather stay here and be upset dad. So I offered
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: her another cuddle, and she didn't want it. Eventually I
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: picked her up and carried her to her room. All
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: this took place over about thirty or forty seconds, and
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: once we were in the room, I said, you can
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: just stay here then until you've calmed right down. I
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: can stay here with you, or I can wait outside.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: What do you prefer? And she kept on screaming, and
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: I said, okay, I'll give you one more chance. Would
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: you like a cuddle? Notice how I'm always off her cuddles,
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: but I'm also always setting a clear limit with her,
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: really kindly, though really gently. She didn't want to cuddle.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: So I said, okay, I'm just going to wait outside
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: the door. You can come and get a cuddle as
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: soon as you're ready, and you can come back and
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: eat as soon as you're ready to calm down. I
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: took about three steps from her, and as I walked away,
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: she came running to me with arms outstretched. So I
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: turned around, I picked her up, and I gave her
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: a big cuddle, and she calmed down straight away. The
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: tantrums rarely last more than a minute or two. When
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: the kids know what's expected, we remove them from the situation.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: We tell them they're more than welcome to come back
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: once they're calm. We offer them hugs constantly. If they refuse,
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: and they do it all the time, ask if they're sure,
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: and then move away. But promise them a hug as
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: soon as they're willing to play by the rules, because
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: you'll find that within moments they will come along and
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: they will do exactly that. I've had this happen with
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: so many of my parenting coaching clients, and I'd love
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: to share some more ideas with you, but I think
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: that that's probably enough to to walk you through it.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: Some food for thought, Okay, well you can. You can
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: ask me any question that you want about parenting or
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: about positivity at Justincilson dot com slash questions. All you
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: have to do is leave a voice message or email me.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: All the information you need is at Justincilson dot com
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: slash questions. Up next, I've got an important announcement and
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: also a fun parenting hack, plus my favorite quote about kindness.
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: Your conference is about to start. It's five minutes to go.
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: People are inside taking their chairs. I wonder what's going
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: to happen next. Perhaps you're worried about the guest speakers.
• 21:35
  Speaker 4: What will they say? Will it be appropriate relevance and
• 21:38
  Speaker 4: up to dates?
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Will it be evidence based?
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: Will they stick to time? Is it going to be boring?
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: You want to be sure the information at your conference
• 21:46
  Speaker 4: will tick all your boxes and give everyone the stuff
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: they want to learn. You want people to come to
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: you at the end of the day and say, wow,
• 21:53
  Speaker 4: thanks for organizing today. It took so much away from
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: your conference. Dr Justin Coulson can help. He provides keynot
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: speeches from thirty minutes to an hour and a half,
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: workshops from ninety minutes to half days, and even day
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: long seminars.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: He speaks to school.
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: Kids, professional educators, principles and teachers who are working day
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: to day in the classroom, right through to other professionals
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: like lawyers and bankers who are parents. Because we all
• 22:18
  Speaker 4: want happier families, happier classrooms, and happier workplaces. So what's
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: your next conference about? If you'd like to learn more
• 22:26
  Speaker 4: about getting a speaker who will help your audience learn, laugh,
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: and leave with practical tools that will empower them to
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: be happier, more productive, and better parents, teachers, people, and
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: if you'd like the credit for having chosen that speaker,
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: visit Justinkilson dot com for more information about booking doctor
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: Justin Kilson as a speaker at your next conference Justinkilson
• 22:47
  Speaker 4: dot com.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Before this week's fun and I Think Insightful parenting hack,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: let me share with you a quick and important announcement
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: if you need parenting insight for your tween or teen.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: It's perfect timing because on Wednesday night, November twelfth, I'm
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: sharing a master class at the Raising Adolescence Conference. It's
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: an online conference, it's free, and you can still access
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: content right now. In fact, there are more classes happening
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: right through until November fourteenth. When you're registered with your
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: email address, you get access to four days of master
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: classes from teachers, educators, authors, doctors, psychologists and me. I'll
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: be running a seminar that's called a Parent's Guide for
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: Surviving the teen Years. That's on Wednesday night, November the twelfth,
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: at eight pm. So if you want to raise happier, successful,
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: more cooperative teens and twins, you know where I'll be.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: You can join me for free, and when you're register
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: as well, you score a whole bunch of extra downloads
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: as well. They look practical, they look helpful, and I
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: recommend it highly. Sign up for Raising Adolescents. You can
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: get the downloads and tune into my class November twelfth.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: I'm excited to do what I can to help you.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: All the details are in the show of this episode.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: That's justin Callson dot com slash podcast slash eight as
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: in the number eight. Once you go there, you'll be
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: able to get the directions for how to sign up
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: for the course and hear what I've got to say
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: about raising twins and teams. All right, let's wrap this
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: up with a fun parenting hack. I want to share
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: this idea with you. This week in our house, we
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: decided to try and have a bit more fun because
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: sometimes we get pretty serious. One night, for dinner, each
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: person had to walk into the shop and purchase one
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: food ingredient for our meal. We had a few rules
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: around it, but it was pretty basic by vegetable and
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: we're cooking it for dinner with whatever everyone else buys,
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: and we all chose the meat together. We were allowed
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: to use pantry items as well by the way to
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: make the meal just right. But it made dinner time fun.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: We all got involved in the process. We're all the shops,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: we're all grabbing one or two things each and then
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: cooking up this meal. No idea what we were going
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: to make. If your family's smaller on ours we've got
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: six kids, you might need to get two or three
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: ingredients each. But the idea is it gets you laughing,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: It gets you trying something new, it gets you talking
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: and cooking and eating together, and it's great fun. So
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: there's my fun parenting positivity hack for the week. Okay,
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: the theme of today's podcast has been kindness. I want
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: to leave you with my favorite kindness quote. I hope
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: you like it. It comes from Henry James. He said three
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: things in human life are important. The first is to
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: be kind, the second is to be kind, the third
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: is to be kind. So with that, I hope you
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: have a positive and kind week. That is it for
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: this week's podcast. Thanks for listening. If you have any
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: questions you'd like answer, go to Justincilson dot com slash
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: questions and I'll do my best to answer you in
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: an upcoming podcast. You can also leave me a message
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: there or ask you a question via email. And if
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: you've enjoyed this episode, you'll find the outline and the
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: resource links in the show notes at Justincilson dot com
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: slash podcast slash eight as in the number eight. And
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: I'd love to hear about your kindness experiences, so visit
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: the site let me know. I'd also really like to
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: encourage you to share the podcast. If it's made even
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: the slightest impact on you, or if it's helped you
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: in your personal life, or in your professional life or
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: in your parenting, I'd be really appreciative if you would
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: visit Justincolson dot com slash podcast slash eight. You'll find
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: a pre populated Twitter or Facebook post that you can
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: share with your friends and followers and that'll help get
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: the word out about the podcast. And would you please
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: consider visiting iTunes and rating the podcast because it's your
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: ratings that determine how likely it is that people discover
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: the podcast. It's the ratings that increase the visibility of
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: the podcast. Other people then get to find out how
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: I can help them to have a more positive life
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: and family. And of course you can subscribe to the
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: podcast on iTunes as well. So that is it for
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: this week. I'm going to have another podcast ready to
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: go for next week. Until then, remember the greatest weapon
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.