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Guide to Men - Helen Rowland · Hamlet

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  Speaker 1: Section one of A Guide to Men. This is a
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  Speaker 1: LibriVox recording. All Libervox recordings are in the public domain.
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  Speaker 1: For more information or a volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org.
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  Speaker 1: A Guide to Men being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor
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  Speaker 1: Girl by Helen Rowland recording by Corey Samuel. The material
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  Speaker 1: for this book was collected directly from nature at great
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  Speaker 1: personal risk by the author. Forward a small file I
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  Speaker 1: doubt not could contain the attar of the epigrammatic literature
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  Speaker 1: of all time. Few of the perfumes of this diminutive
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  Speaker 1: form of wit and satire have survived, pretty and scented vaporings,
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  Speaker 1: most of the thousands and thousands of them that have
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  Speaker 1: died on the air of the foibles of their day. Yet,
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  Speaker 1: how the pungent ones can persist the racy old odors,
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  Speaker 1: which are as new as now, that still hover about
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  Speaker 1: the political and and amorous quips of the Greeks than
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  Speaker 1: those crinkling ones of the French, more vinegar acrid than perfumed.
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  Speaker 1: Although a seventeenth century proverb calls France a monarchy tempered
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  Speaker 1: by epigrams, the didactic Teutonic ones sharply corrosive. The greatest evaporative,
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  Speaker 1: of course, of this form of bon moux is mere cleverness.
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  Speaker 1: Wit is the attar which endures the wit of Pope
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  Speaker 1: and Catullus landa voltaire, rousseau and wild. That is what
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  Speaker 1: Rapain must have had in mind when he said that
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  Speaker 1: a man ought to be content if he succeeded in
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  Speaker 1: writing one really good epigram. Helen Rowland stands pleasantly impeached
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  Speaker 1: for writing many. She has a whiz to her, swiftly
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  Speaker 1: cynical arrow that entitles her to a place in the tournament.
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  Speaker 1: She is not merely anagrammatical, scorns the couplet for the
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  Speaker 1: mere's sake of the couplet, and has little time for
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  Speaker 1: the smiting word at any price. In the entire history
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  Speaker 1: of epigrammatic expression, there are few, if any, whose fame
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  Speaker 1: rests solely on the brittle structure of the bon MoU.
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  Speaker 1: Marshal about whose brilliant brevities can scarcely be said to hover.
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  Speaker 1: The odor of sanctity is, I suppose, remembered solely as
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  Speaker 1: a wielder of the barbed word. Miss Rowland is balanced
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  Speaker 1: skillfully upon that same slender trapeze, doing a very deft
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  Speaker 1: bow and arrow act her archery of a high order.
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  Speaker 1: She wields a wicked bow, a kindly bow, a swift
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  Speaker 1: a share, a ductile bow. Matrimony is her favorite target,
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  Speaker 1: So was it Bombos and herricks, and even political Parnell
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  Speaker 1: had his shot at it. And her little winged arrows
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  Speaker 1: are often bitingly pointed with philosophy, satire, wit, and sometimes
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  Speaker 1: just a touch of good old homebrew American hocum. For
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  Speaker 1: this wise woman with the high spirited bow behind her arrow,
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  Speaker 1: These little pages speak eloquently fanny overture. Would you your
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  Speaker 1: sweetheart's secret? Seek to spell? There are so many little
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  Speaker 1: ways to tell. A hair perhaps shall prove him false
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  Speaker 1: or true, a single hair upon his coat lapel prelude.
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  Speaker 1: The sweetest part of a kiss is the moment just
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  Speaker 1: before taking Love is misery, sweetened with imagination, salted with tears,
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  Speaker 1: spiced with doubt, flavored with novelty, and swallowed with your
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  Speaker 1: eyes shut. Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss
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  Speaker 1: from a pleasure into a duty, and a lie from
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  Speaker 1: a luxury into a necessity. A husband is what is
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  Speaker 1: left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted.
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  Speaker 1: A man's heart is like a barber shop, in which
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  Speaker 1: the cry is always next. The discovery of rice powder
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  Speaker 1: on his coat lapel makes a college boy swagger, a
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  Speaker 1: bachelor blush, and a married man tremble. It takes one
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  Speaker 1: woman twenty years to make a man of her son,
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  Speaker 1: and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
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  Speaker 1: By the time a man has discovered that he is
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  Speaker 1: in love with a woman, she is usually so fagged
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  Speaker 1: out waiting for the phenomenon that she is ready to
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  Speaker 1: topple right over into his arms from sheer exhaustion. A
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  Speaker 1: man always asks for just one kiss, because he knows
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  Speaker 1: that if he can get that, the rest will come
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  Speaker 1: without asking. Somehow. The moment a man has surrendered the
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  Speaker 1: key of his heart to a woman, he begins to
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  Speaker 1: think about changing the lock. There are only two ages
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  Speaker 1: at which a man faces the altar without a shudder,
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  Speaker 1: at twenty when he doesn't know what's happening to him,
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  Speaker 1: and at eighty, when he doesn't care the refrain. There's
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  Speaker 1: so much saint in the worst of them, and so
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  Speaker 1: much devil in the best of them, that a woman
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  Speaker 1: who's married to one of them has nothing to learn
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  Speaker 1: of the rest of them. End of section one, Section
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  Speaker 1: two of A Guide to Men by Helen Rowland. This
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  Speaker 1: LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Bachelors somehow, just
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  Speaker 1: at the psychological moment. When a bachelor fancies that he
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  Speaker 1: is going to die for love of a woman, another
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  Speaker 1: woman always comes along and interrupts him. The modern bachelor
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  Speaker 1: is like a blotting pad. He can soak up all
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  Speaker 1: the sentiment and flattery a woman has to offer him
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  Speaker 1: without ever spliting a drop. A confirmed bachelor is so
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  Speaker 1: sure of his ability to dodge that he is willing
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  Speaker 1: to amuse every pretty girl he meets by handing her
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  Speaker 1: a rope and daring her to catch him. A bachelor
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  Speaker 1: is a large body of egotism, completely surrounded by caution
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  Speaker 1: and fortified at all points by suspicion. His chief products
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  Speaker 1: are wild oats and cynicism. His chief industry is dodging matrimony,
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  Speaker 1: his undeviating policy protection, and his watchword, give me liberty
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  Speaker 1: or give me death. The average bachelor is so afraid
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  Speaker 1: of falling into matrimony nowadays that he sprinkles the path
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  Speaker 1: of love with ashes instead of with roses. The care
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  Speaker 1: with which a bachelor chaperones himself would inspire even the
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  Speaker 1: duenna of a fashionable boarding school with envy. A bachelor's
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  Speaker 1: idea of safety first consists in getting tangled up with
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  Speaker 1: a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied
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  Speaker 1: up to one. He is an altruist who refrains from
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  Speaker 1: devoting himself to one woman in order that he may
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  Speaker 1: scatter sweetness and light amongst the multitude. There is nothing
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  Speaker 1: quite so intriguing to a bachelor as Flett with the
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  Speaker 1: idea of marriage with his fingers crossed. He just loves
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  Speaker 1: to consider marrying in the abstract, and to go about
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  Speaker 1: pitying himself for being so lonely. There are three kinds
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  Speaker 1: of bachelor's the kind that must be driven into matrimony
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  Speaker 1: with a whip, the kind that must be coaxed with sugar,
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  Speaker 1: and the kind that must be blindfolded and backed into
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  Speaker 1: the shafts. If you want to be chosen to brighten
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  Speaker 1: a bachelor's life, first make it dark and dreary. So
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  Speaker 1: long as women are willing to make his existence one long,
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  Speaker 1: sweet song. Naturally, he isn't anxious to exchange it for
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  Speaker 1: a lullaby. When a man actually asks a girl to
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  Speaker 1: marry him. In these days of bachelor comforts and the
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  Speaker 1: deification of single blessedness, she has a revelation of human
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  Speaker 1: unselfishness that stands as the eighth wonder of the world.
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  Speaker 1: That tired expression on a bachelor's face is not so
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  Speaker 1: often the result of brain fag from an overworked mind,
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  Speaker 1: as of heart fag from overworking the emotions. Lovers look
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  Speaker 1: at life through rose tinted curtains, old bachelors see it
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  Speaker 1: through a fog. Somehow, a bachelor never quite gets over
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  Speaker 1: the idea that he is a thing of beauty and
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  Speaker 1: a boy forever. A bachelor fancies that it is his
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  Speaker 1: wonderful sixty horse will power that keeps him from marrying,
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  Speaker 1: whereas it is nothing but his little one horse won't power.
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  Speaker 1: One consolation in marrying a bachelor over forty is that
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  Speaker 1: he has fought so long and so hard to escape
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  Speaker 1: the hook that there is no more fight left in him.
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  Speaker 1: Never give up hope. As long as a bachelor declares definitely,
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  Speaker 1: no woman can get me. Wait until he is so
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  Speaker 1: sure of his immunity that he sighs regretfully, no woman
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  Speaker 1: will have me. The vicious circle in a bachelor's opinion
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  Speaker 1: is the platinum one on a woman's third finger. A
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  Speaker 1: bachelor of arts is one who makes love to a
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  Speaker 1: lot of women, and yet has the art to remain
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  Speaker 1: a bachelor. First interlude in the spring, A young man's
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  Speaker 1: fancy lightly turns and turns and turns. There are lots
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  Speaker 1: of sure cures for love, but the quickest and surest
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  Speaker 1: is another love. If there were only two women and
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  Speaker 1: one man in the world, the man would marry the
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  Speaker 1: brunette and then spend the rest of his life peeping
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  Speaker 1: over her shoulder and trying to flirt with the blonde.
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  Speaker 1: A woman always embalms the corpse of a dead love.
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  Speaker 1: A man wisely cremates it and plants a new love
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  Speaker 1: in the ashes. A fool and her money are soon courted.
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  Speaker 1: A woman's pity for a man who loves her against
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  Speaker 1: her will may be akin to love, But a man's
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  Speaker 1: pity for a woman who loves him without his permission
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  Speaker 1: is a twin brother to boredom. Marriage the miracle which
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  Speaker 1: affords a woman a chance to gratify her vanity, pacify
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  Speaker 1: her family, mortify her rivals, and electrify her friends, all
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  Speaker 1: at the same time. Marriage is sweet. Love is what
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  Speaker 1: incites the cave man to drag a woman around by
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  Speaker 1: the hair, and makes the civilized man permit a woman
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  Speaker 1: to drag him around by the nose. The heart of
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  Speaker 1: a woman is a secret sanctuary where she is constantly
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  Speaker 1: burning incense and candles before a succession of idols of clay. Nowadays,
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  Speaker 1: a man's faith in women and heaven seems to disappear
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  Speaker 1: with his milk teeth, and to reappear again with his
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  Speaker 1: false teeth. To most men, repentance is merely the interval
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  Speaker 1: between the headache and the next temptation. Most bachelors regard
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  Speaker 1: the flower of love as a species of poison ivy.
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  Speaker 1: Even Satan could find a woman to call him dear
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  Speaker 1: if you would simply tell her that all he needed
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  Speaker 1: was a beautiful woman's uplifting influence. A man may be
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  Speaker 1: guilty of stealing a girl's heart, but he always feels
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  Speaker 1: hurt and indignant if she refuses to take it back
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  Speaker 1: again after he is finished with it. Woman's love a
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  Speaker 1: mirror in which a man beholds himself glorified, magnified and deified.
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  Speaker 1: Always try to be the guiding star of a man's life,
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  Speaker 1: but never make the mistake of fancying that you are
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  Speaker 1: his whole planetary system. A woman must keep her conscience,
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  Speaker 1: her complexion, and her reputation snow white. But a man
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  Speaker 1: is satisfied if he can just manage to keep his
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  Speaker 1: so that they comply with the pure food laws. Art
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  Speaker 1: is inspiring, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
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  Speaker 1: A career is absorbing, but you can't tie ribbons on
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  Speaker 1: the curls of your brain. Children. Work is ennobling, but
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  Speaker 1: alaw it hasn't got a shoulder to cry on. When
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  Speaker 1: a girl refuses to kiss a man, he is never disconcerted.
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  Speaker 1: He is merely astonished that she could be so blind
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  Speaker 1: to her own feelings. A summer resort is a place
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  Speaker 1: where a girl spends half a time in making herself
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  Speaker 1: alluring and the other half in yearning for something to lure.
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  Speaker 1: When a girl marries a man, she is sadly aware
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  Speaker 1: that all his old sweethearts are wondering how she did it,
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  Speaker 1: and that all her old sweethearts are wondering why. Marriage
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  Speaker 1: will never be safe until we stop making it an
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  Speaker 1: ideal and begin trying to make it a square deal.
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  Speaker 1: Just before marriage, a man's coat. Lapel acquires that grayish
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  Speaker 1: look which comes from the constant contact with face powder.
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  Speaker 1: But it's wonderful how soon it brightens up and gets
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  Speaker 1: back to its natural color after the wedding. Love is
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  Speaker 1: like appendicitis. You never know when or how it is
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  Speaker 1: going to strike you, the only difference being that after
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  Speaker 1: one attack of appendicitis, your curiosity is perfectly satisfied. No
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  Speaker 1: matter how many men have tried to flirt with her.
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  Speaker 1: A girl will step cheerfully up to the altar in
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  Speaker 1: the firm belief that she has found the one perfect
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  Speaker 1: human being in trousers who will never look at another woman.
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  Speaker 1: After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she
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  Speaker 1: can see right through her husband without looking at him,
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  Speaker 1: and a man's so dull that he can look right
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  Speaker 1: through his wife without seeing her. A man recuperates so
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  Speaker 1: much more quickly from his remorse than a woman does
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  Speaker 1: from her indignation, that by the time she has forgiven him,
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  Speaker 1: he is tired of being good and ready to sin again.
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  Speaker 1: Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake
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  Speaker 1: all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll
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  Speaker 1: go to sleep before you finish saying it. A man
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  Speaker 1: can never understand how a woman gets so much joy
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  Speaker 1: out of leading him all the way to the threshold
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  Speaker 1: of love and then sweetly closing the door in his face.
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  Speaker 1: Solitaire the married woman's game. A man's greatest conquest is
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  Speaker 1: self conquest. His greatest possession, self possession and his greatest
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  Speaker 1: love are will you fill in the rest? Why does
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  Speaker 1: a man take it for granted that a girl who
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  Speaker 1: flirts with him wants him to kiss her, when nine
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  Speaker 1: times out of ten she only wants him to want
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  Speaker 1: to kiss her. Plunging into a hasty marriage in order
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  Speaker 1: to escape from a foolish entanglement is like rushing under
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  Speaker 1: a trolley car in order to escape from a taxi cab. Nowadays,
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  Speaker 1: a girl's favorite way of committing suicide for love of
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  Speaker 1: a man is to marry him and worry herself to
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  Speaker 1: death over him. A good wife is always her husband's guide,
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  Speaker 1: philosopher and friend, also his guardian, digestion, conscience, timetable, and valet.
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  Speaker 1: Man never knows how to say goodbye. A woman never
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  Speaker 1: knows when to say it. A woman's greatest right is
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  Speaker 1: the right husband. A woman might forgive a man for
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  Speaker 1: all his sins. It's that stained glass attitude with which
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  Speaker 1: he decides to give them up when he is tired
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  Speaker 1: of them, that exasperates her. So a man doesn't want
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  Speaker 1: a wife who places him on a pedestal or keeps
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  Speaker 1: him on a footstool, but one who will take him
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  Speaker 1: as a mere man and let him go on being mere.
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  Speaker 1: End of section two, section three of A Guide to
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  Speaker 1: Men by Helen Rowland. This LibriVox recording is in the
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  Speaker 1: public domain. True Love, How to Know it. True love
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  Speaker 1: is nothing but friendship, highly intensified, flavored with sentiment, spiced
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  Speaker 1: with passion, and sprinkled with the star dust of romance.
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  Speaker 1: True love can be no deeper than your capacity for friendship,
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  Speaker 1: no higher than your ideals, and no broader than the
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  Speaker 1: scope of your vision. True love in the cave man
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  Speaker 1: is expressed by a desire to beat a woman and
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  Speaker 1: to pull her around by the hair. True love in
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  Speaker 1: the Broadway eite is expressed by an insatiable craving to
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  Speaker 1: buy things for a woman. True love in a husband
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  Speaker 1: is expressed by his willingness to give his wife anything
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  Speaker 1: from the tenderest piece of stake to a divorce if
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  Speaker 1: it will make her happy. True love in any man
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  Speaker 1: is the essence of unselfishness and the most selfish thing
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  Speaker 1: in the world. It is the selfishness that transcends selfishness,
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  Speaker 1: the vanity that puts egotism in the shade. True love
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  Speaker 1: in a bachelor is exemplified by his willingness to marry
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  Speaker 1: a woman against all his instincts, his sense of self preservation,
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  Speaker 1: and his better judgment. True love in a born flirt
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  Speaker 1: is evidenced by his inability to think of any other
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  Speaker 1: woman while he is kissing a particular one. True love
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  Speaker 1: in an author is demonstrated by his self restraint in
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  Speaker 1: refusing to make copy out of a love affair. True
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  Speaker 1: love in a college boy is expressed by his ability
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  Speaker 1: to think of somebody besides himself for a whole hour
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  Speaker 1: at a time. It is the flash of light by
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  Speaker 1: which one sees clearly that to do for another, give
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  Speaker 1: to another, and sacrifice for another will get one the
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  Speaker 1: most happiness out of life. True love in the poet
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  Speaker 1: is expressed in soul kisses and by his ability to
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  Speaker 1: do any work for days at a time. We speak
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  Speaker 1: of falling in love as though it were a pit
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  Speaker 1: or an abyss, but true love is the light on
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  Speaker 1: the mountaintop to which you must eternally climb. True love
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: is a relic of the Victorian age. It still exists
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  Speaker 1: here and there like the buffalo, but in the face
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  Speaker 1: of eugenics, feminism, and the growing masculine determination not to marry,
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  Speaker 1: it may someday have to take a place beside the
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: dinosaurs in the public museum variations. Flirtation is a duel
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  Speaker 1: in which the combatants cross lies, sighs, and eyes, and
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  Speaker 1: the coolest heart wins. Falling in love consists merely in
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense. In the
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  Speaker 1: medley of love, a man's soul sings a sonata while
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  Speaker 1: his heart plays a waltz, and his pulse beats to ragtime.
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  Speaker 1: Better be a strong man's rib than a weak man's backbone.
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  Speaker 1: True love isn't the kind that endures through long years
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  Speaker 1: of absence, but the kind that endures through long years
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  Speaker 1: of propinquity. A man seldom thinks of marrying when he
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  Speaker 1: meets his ideal woman. He waits until he gets the
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: marrying fever, and then idealizes the first woman he happens
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  Speaker 1: to meet. Love is what tempts a man to tell
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  Speaker 1: foolish lies to a woman, and a woman to tell
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  Speaker 1: a fool truth to a man. It took seven hundred
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  Speaker 1: guesses for Solomon to find out what kind of a
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  Speaker 1: wife he wanted, and even then he seems to have
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  Speaker 1: had his doubts. The only thing more astonishing than the
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  Speaker 1: length of time a man's love will subsist on nothing
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  Speaker 1: is the celerity with which it is surfeited the moment
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  Speaker 1: it has any encouragement to feed on. Even when a
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  Speaker 1: man knows that he wants to marry a woman, she
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  Speaker 1: has to prove it to him with a diagram before
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  Speaker 1: he is really convinced of it. A man is so
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  Speaker 1: apt to mistake his love of experiment for love of
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  Speaker 1: a woman that half the time he doesn't know which
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  Speaker 1: is which. Why is it that a man never thinks
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  Speaker 1: he has tasted the cup of joy unless he has
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  Speaker 1: splashed it all over himself, as though it were his
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: morning bath. A man is so versatile that he can
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: read his newspaper with one set of brain cells, while
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  Speaker 1: he carries on a conversation with his wife with another set.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: A girl hides her emotions under a veil of modesty,
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  Speaker 1: a spinster under a cloak of cynicism, a wife under
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  Speaker 1: a mantle of tact and a widow under a cloud
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  Speaker 1: of mystery, and then women wonder why they are misunderstood.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: Proposing is a sort of acrobatic feet in which a
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  Speaker 1: man must hang on to his nerve with one hand
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  Speaker 1: and to the girl with the other. If he lets
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  Speaker 1: go of either, he is lost in love. As in poker,
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: men play just to play, and then proceed to throw
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  Speaker 1: away what has been easily won without any thought of
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  Speaker 1: its value. Thus gamblers so often die in poverty, and
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: lotharios in loneliness. Nowadays, a truly chivalrous girl will lie
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: like a lady in order to protect a trusting man's vanity.
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  Speaker 1: The woman who fascinates a man is not the one
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  Speaker 1: who looks up to him as the son of her existence,
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: but the one who merely looks down on him as
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: one of the footlights. Don't doubt a man when he says,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: I never loved like this before. Each time a man
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: falls in love with so much more ease and facility
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: that he doesn't recognize it as the same old emotion
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: at all. The first time a man lies to his wife,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: he is surprised to discover how easy it is to
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: do it. After that he is surprised to find out
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: how hard it is not to do it. A man
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: always speaks of having given his heart to a woman
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: as though he had done something generous and noble, whereas
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: nine times out of ten she probably had to wrench
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: it from him. About the only things in connection with
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: his wife for which a man shows any respect after
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: a few years of marriage are her reputation and her toothbrush.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: End of section three, Section four of A Guide to
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Men by Helen Rowland. This LibriVox recording is in the
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: public domain. Blondes next to a mouse or a rich widow.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: There is nothing on earth that a normal girl dreads
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: so much as a blonde. No matter how many brunettes
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: a man may have married from time to time, you
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: can always be perfectly sure that there has been a
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: blonde in his life. A woman with dark hair and
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: eyes may make men admire her, but in order to
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: make one of them propose, she must blonde in her
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: temperament down to the roots. The dusky Cleopatra may have
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: succeeded in making fools of a few men, but it
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: took a dizzy little blonde like Helen of Troy to
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: make a lot of men make fools of themselves. In
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: order to be popular with men in these days, a
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: brunett must either be brilliant, interesting, rich, or beautiful, but
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: a blonde doesn't have to be anything but a blonde.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: You may fight a brunette dearie as woman to woman,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: but when you fight a blonde, you fight a cherished
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: masculine tradition. Why is it that in all the novels
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: and motion picture plays, the vampires and adventuresses have dark
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: hair and black eyes, while the innocent, persecuted angels are
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: all blondes, whereas in real life it is always the
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: other way round. Generally speaking, there are two kinds of blondes,
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: blondes by birth and blondes by preference. These are subdivided
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: into golden blondes, diamond blondes, strawberry blondes, and undecided blondes,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: that is, those who have not yet decided on their
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: favorite shade. Sometimes illness turns a woman's hair gray, and
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: sometimes it merely turns it dark at the roots. A
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: little peroxide is a treacherous thing. All this talk about
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: the yellow peril is nonsense. There is no more danger
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: in permitting your husband to employ a pretty blonde stenographer,
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: than there is in throwing a lighted match into the
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: waste basket. When love flies out of the window, the
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: tame cat and the sympathetic blonde tiptoe in by opposite doors,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: cymbals and kettle drums. This is the great masculine question,
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: whether it is better to marry and live in the
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: constant fear of one woman's frown, or to stay single
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: and live in deadly fear of every woman's smile. Conscience
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: doth make cowards of us all, but not until we've
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: emptied the bottle, tired of the flirtation, and gotten our
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: money's worth out of the game. Marriage a souvenir of
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: love wanted a wife who can broil a steak with
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: one hand, powder her nose with the other, rock the
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: cradle with her foot, and accompany herself on the harp.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Signed every man. When the girls admire him, a young
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: man takes it as a matter of course, but when
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: a widow selects him for her attention, he thrills with
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: the knowledge that he is being stamped with the approval
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: of a connoisseur. Before marriage, a man declares that he
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: would lay down his life to serve you. After marriage,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: If Achilles's only vulnerable spot was in his heel, then
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: his vanity must have gone to his feet instead of
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: to his head. You can't expect a woman to accomplish
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: much in this life, since she is busy every minute
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: of it, either trying to get some man, trying to
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: get along with one, or trying to get rid of one.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: A man's wife is something like his teeth. He never
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: thinks of her unless she happens to bother him. Life
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: is a tale that is told. The monk tells his beads,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: the seer tells fortunes, the lover tells lies, and a
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: woman tells everything. To collect books is a sign of culture,
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: to collect jewels a sign of wealth, but to collect
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: husbands is a sign of paresis. A modern bachelor makes
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: love with his hand on his pulse and his eye
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: on the clock. Oh. Yes, there is a vast difference
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: between the savage and the civilized man, but it is
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. A sympathetic
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: woman is like a rose which a man wears over
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: his heart. A stupid woman is like a cabbage, which
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: he keeps in his kitchen. But a merely clever woman
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: is like a dahlia. He knows he ought to admire her,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: but he had just as lief, do so from a distance.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: While a woman is weeping over the ghost of a
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: dead love in the graveyard of memory, a man is
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: usually off pursuing a lot of little new loves in
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: the garden of forgetfulness. Life is like a poem or
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: a story. The most important thing about it is not
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: that it should be long, but that it should be
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: beautiful and interesting. The older a woman gets, the more
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: trusting she becomes. A twenty, a man can feed her
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: only diluted flattery, but at forty she can swallow it
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: straight without a quiver. No girl who is going to
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: marry need bother to win a college degree. She just
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: naturally becomes a master of arts and a doctor of
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: philosophy after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: The average man takes all the natural taste out of
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: his food by covering it with ready made sources, and
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: all the personality out of a woman by covering her
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: with his ready made ideals. Heaven is not a mythical place.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: It can be found right down in the heart of
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: the man who has found the work he loves and
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: the woman he loves. An ideal lover is one with
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: such a keen, dramatic instinct that he can convince himself
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: of his sincerity even when he knows that he is lying.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money,
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: and divorce a man, of course, Adam was the first
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: man to misunderstand a woman. A man is like a
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: park squirrel. If you fling your favors or your charms
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: at his head, you will never come up and eat
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: out of your hand. What a man calls his conscience
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: after too much wine or love. In the school of love,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: a man is forever just taking up a brand new
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: study and discovering that all the old loves were nothing
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: but preparatory practice. The eugenic idea of choosing a husband
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: would be perfectly lovely, only that a husband isn't a
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: matter of choice, but of chance, accident, or blind luck.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: Love is a woman's eternal spring, man's eternal fall. It
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: isn't beauty, and it isn't cleverness, and it isn't clothes
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: that make a particular woman fascinating. It is just the
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: sort of magnetic current which seems to run around her
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: and set her eyes a twinkling and a man's heart tingling.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: It is utterly useless to tell a man the honest truth.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: That is the last thing on earth which a man
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: ever tells a woman, So of course it's the last
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: thing on earth which he ever expects to hear from her.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: The average man, like all gall is divided into three parts.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: His vanity, his digestion, and his ambition. Cater to the first,
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: guard the second, and stimulate the third, and his love
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: will take care of itself. There is no such tonic
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: for a man's nerve as a capricious wife, and no
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: such softener for his backbone as a self sacrificing one.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: A man can sit in the moonlight and talk new
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: thought to a pretty girl and at the same time
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: look right into her eyes with all the old old ones.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: Bohemia is an oasis in the desert of life, where
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: only the rich in dreams may go, and only the
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: poor in purse may stay. There is no way of
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: two people really knowing each other until after they are
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: married and have to share the same dollar, the same table,
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: the same newspaper, and the same chiffonier. End of section four,
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: section five of A Guide to Men by Helen Rowland.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. What every
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: woman wonders. There are gardens full of flowers that I
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: feared to pluck. There are eyes full of promises that
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: I dared not believe. There are lips full of sweetness
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: from which I turned away. I wonder if paradise holds
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: anything for me, one half so beautiful as the joys
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: I have renounced for its sake. A man's life is
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: like a musical comedy. There is always one woman in
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: it who is the star, but it takes ninety nine
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: others to make up the ensemble. Nothing so annoys a
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: man as to have a woman cheer him up while
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: he is enjoying the exquisite luxury of feeling sorry for himself.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: The modern girl's perfect candor has taken the sin out
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: of sincerity and most of the sweet scent out of
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: the flower of sentiment. Without the serpent, the garden of
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: Eden would seem a dull, old place to most men.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: Love is neither a bonfire nor a kitchen fire, but
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: an altar fire, to be kept burning forever with prayer
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: and reverence. In the language of love, forever means for
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: quite a little while, and never means not until next season.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: A fool there was, and he made his prayer to
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: two women on the same party wire. Love is a
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: matter of give and take. Marriage a matter of misgive
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: and mistake. Even a fool knows enough to laugh at
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: a man's choke, but only a born siren knows enough
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: to hang on to his coat lapel and beg him
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: to tell it again. Some men are born for matrimony,
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: Some achieve matrimony, but most of them are merely poor dodgers.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: There are many times when a woman would gladly drop
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: her husband if she did not feel morally certain that
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: some other woman would come right along and pick him up.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: Alas in choosing a husband, it seems that you've always
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: got to decide between something tame and uninteresting like a goldfish,
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: and something wild and fascinating, like a mountain goat. Perhaps
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: the first time a young man actually realizes that he
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: is married is when he catches himself looking at other
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: women with that strange, new, wistful sort of interest. It
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: is at once the mission and the punishment of the
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: flirt to go through life tapping the hearts of men
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: that they may overflow for other women. The sweetest things
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: in a woman's life are her yesterdays. The sweetest things
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: in a man's life are his tomorrow's. The man who
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: is fondly looking for a perfect angel almost invariably ends
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: by marrying some little devil who knows how to persuade
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: him that her horns are merely the signs of a
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: budding halo. Woman is to most men what heart failure
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: is to the doctors, something that it is always convenient
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: to blame any old thing on the mind has a
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: thousand eyes, the heart but one, and that usually goes
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: fast asleep after marriage. Philosophy is the only kind of
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: sweetening with which to make life palatable. Estimated from a
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: wife's experience, the average man spends fully one quarter of
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: his life in looking for his shoes. An idealist is
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: a man who is content to worship a woman from
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: Afar and to let some gross and selfish materialist marry
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: her and support her. Changing husbands is about as satisfactory
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: as changing a bundle from one hand to the other,
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: It gives you only temporary relief. France may claim the
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: happiest marriage is in the world, but the happiest divorces
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: in the world are made in America, no doubt. Even
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: Solomon told each of his seven hundred wives that he
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: had merely thought he loved the others, but that she
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: was the only girl he ever really cared for. In
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: just that way. Love is what makes a man appear
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: blissfully happy when a woman is mussing up the precious
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: wisp of hair across his bald spot. Love is what
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: makes a woman laugh delightedly when a man is telling
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: her for the second time a story which she knew
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: by heart before he told it to her the first time.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: All this sex antagonism must have started when Adam brought
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: in the first rabbit and ordered Eve to make it
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: into chicken. Elm King. When a man takes a notion
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: to marry, he doesn't start following it up. He merely
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: stops running away. A woman is young until the light
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: dies out of her last lover's eyes. Whenever a pretty
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: woman runs her fingers through his hair, A cautious bachelor
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: can't help thinking of what happened to Sampson. Success in flirtation,
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: as in gambling, consists in getting out of the game
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: at the psychological moment before your luck begins to turn.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: Being a husband's economic equal may be awfully noble and advanced,
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: but it usually means being all of his ribs and
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: most of his vertebrae. Men have been classified as what
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: women marry. They have two feet, two hands, and sometimes
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: two wives, but never more than one collar button or
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: one idea at a time. When a man says nobody
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: understands me, don't fancy see he is suffering, he is
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: merely trying to let you know, in a modest way,
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: that he is a profound, fascinating mystery. A man snatches
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third,
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: takes the fourth, accepts the fifth, and endures all the
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: rest of them. After two years. An engagement doesn't need
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: to be broken. It just naturally SAgs in the middle
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: and comes apart. Eve had as much choice in the
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: matter of her husband as any other woman. She merely
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: accepted what fate sent her and pretended to have got
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: her ideal. It is not much comfort to be able
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: to keep your husband's material body in the house evenings
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: when his astral body keeps wandering off to the club
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: every few minutes. In love sweeter the uses of diversity.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: A woman's love busts into flower, but judging from the
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: time it takes him to discover it, a man's love
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: must be developed by the wearisome process of geological formation.
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: If a man and a diamond a big and brilliant enough,
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: one doesn't mind a few flaws in them. But for
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: some reason Heaven knows why a woman and a pearl
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: are expected to be absolutely perfect. When Fate places a
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: laurel wreath on the brow of a genius, she hitches
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: a plow to his shoulders and holds a tantalus cup
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: to his lips. It isn't the man who paints his
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: virtues in three colors and begs her to marry him,
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: but the one who paints his sins in vermilion and
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: begs her to save him, who usually wins the girl.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: If you want a man to propose, don't try to
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: make your family coddle him. Make them hate him, because
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: a man never really takes hold until somebody begins to
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: pull the other way. The man who falls in love
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: at first sight never knows what has struck him, and
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: therefore mercifully escapes all the agonie slow torture of feeling
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: himself sink inch by inch into the quicksands of matrimony.
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: Never believe that justice is all you owe your husband.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: What every man needs from the woman who loves him
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: is faith, hope, and charity, and above all mercy. Even
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: a coquette can be loyal to one man until she
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: prefers another. But a man's heart is like a ferryboat,
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: always going backward and forward and never staying docked. Soft
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: sweet things with a lot of fancy dressing. That is
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: what a little boy loves to eat, and a grown
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: man prefers to marry second interlude. To find your mate,
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: that is luck. To know him when you find him,
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: that is inspiration. To win him when you know him,
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: that is art. And to keep him when you've won him,
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: that is a miracle. A woman wastes more time in
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: dreaming over a past flirtation then it would take a
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: man to start a half dozen new ones. Flattery affects
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: a man like any other sort of dope. It stimulates
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: and exhilarates him for the moment, but usually ends by
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: going to his head and making him act foolish. The
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: only way to be happy in this world is to
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: take men and flirtations as they come, and let them
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: go as they go. Almost any straight path of devotion
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: will lead to a woman's heart. It's this zigzagging from
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: sentiment to cold fear, and from adoration to self preservation
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: that makes the way so long and dangerous for the
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: average man. Solomon may have been the most famous husband
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: who ever lived, but as a hero, he isn't in
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: it with the man who manages to get along happily
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: and contentedly all through life with just one wife. Woman
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: the peg on which the whip hangs his jest, the
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: preacher his text, the cynic his grouch, and the sinner
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: his justification. Everybody seems to be going through life at
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: automobile speed nowadays, but alas there are no sentimental garages
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: by life's wayside at which we may obtain a fresh
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: supply of emotions, purchase a new thrill, or patch up
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: an exploded ideal. A man's work lasts from sun to sun,
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: but his excuses for staying late at the office and
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: never done. Every man wants a woman to appeal to
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: his better side, his nobler instincts, and his higher nature,
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: and another woman to help him forget them. Never rush
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: into a love affair. Love is a waiting game which
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: requires nerve, concentration and a poker face. The average man
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: marries one woman just in order to escape from a
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: lot of others, and then flirts with a lot of
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: others just in order to forget that he is married
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: to one. Once a girl's heart beat faster at the
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: sound of her sweetheart's footstep on the garden path, but
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: now it requires the harm of a twelve cylinder motor
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: car to rouse her from her lassitude. The one thing
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: about love making that the modern man simply can't understand
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: is that in order to make it thrilling and interesting,
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: he must really put a little love in it. In
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: the War of the sexes, a woman hides her scars
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: of battle beneath a smile and a coat of rouge.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: A man goes about displaying his as proudly as though
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: they were medals. Occasionally one meets a man who plunges
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: into a love affair. As he plunges into the surf
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: but most of them just sit back lazily on the
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: beach and let the waves of emotion splash harmlessly over them.
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: End of section five, section six of A Guide to
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: Men by Helen Rowland. This LibriVox acording is in the
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: public domain. Brides nevers for the rib Never ask him
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: to kiss you. Make your kisses a privilege, not a duty,
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: a luxury, not a morning and evening chore. Never refuse
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: to kiss him, but sometimes keep him waiting. A little.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: Love thrives so much better on the stimulant of suspense
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: than on the anesthetic of memory. Never question him about
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: his past love affairs. It is not the woman he
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: has loved, but those he has not yet loved, who
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: will bother you. Never fling your old flames in his face.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: If you do, he will soon cease to be jealous
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: of the men you might have married, and begin to
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: envy them. Never accuse him of being less ardent than
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: he was before he married you. Many a husband would
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: never discover that he was no longer madly in love
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: if his wife did not constantly keep reminding him of it.
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: Never chide him for the same fault. More than once
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: a man can become so accustomed to the thought of
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: his own faults, that he will begin to cherish them
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: as charming little personal characteristics. Never refer to your own defects.
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: A man always accepts a woman at her own valuation,
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: and he doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: second Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: the only human joke, and man the only laughing animal
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: except the hyaena. Never cry before him. A woman's tears
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: soon wash all the color out of a man's love.
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: After the third deluge. They have no power to move
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: him except to move him out of the house. Never
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: threaten him, scold him, nor argue with him. Act A
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: woman's arguments affect a man as water does a cat.
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: He simply waits for them to dry up, and then
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: he goes out and does as he pleases. Never doubt
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: his word, even when you know he is lying. A
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: husband is like religion. To give you any real comfort,
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: he must be taken with blind faith. Never put him
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: on a leash. The dog or the husband that has
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: to be tied is always the one that eventually has
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: to be advertised in the lost columns. Never forget that
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: marriage should be a privilege, not a prison home a refrectory,
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: not a reformatory, and wives jolliers and not jailer's syncopations.
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: The greatest shock a temperamental woman can receive is to
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: wake up and find that she is married to a
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: human being instead of an ideal. A soulmate is seldom
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: the siren who manages to drive a man to distraction,
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: but just the sympathetic little thing who always happens to
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: come along when he is looking for distraction. Hanging on
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: a man's word may flatter him, but hanging on his
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: neck merely frightens him. Every gay dog has his day
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: after one may be loved forever. It is the vain
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: desire to go on being a heart breaker after one's
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: flirting days are over that constitutes the real tragedy of age.
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable dream,
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: then as a boon, then as a blessing, then as
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: a right, then as a matter of course, and last
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: as a punishment. A man's idea of preserving the unities
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: is to find out what side of an argument his
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: wife is on, and then take the other side in
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: order to keep it from sagging. After a bachelor's heart
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: has been patched up, cut down, and remodeled to fit
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: the romantic ideal of one girl after another. There is
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: seldom enough of it left to go all the way
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: around the honeymoon. There is no question of degree in matrimony.
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: You can be a little bit in love or a
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: little bit ill, but you can't be a little bit
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: married or a little bit dead. Telling lies is a
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: accomplishment in a bachelor, and second nature in a married man.
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: If your husband is wrapped up in his work from
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: nine a m. To six p m. You needn't bother
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: to investigate his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his talents trying
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: to tempt a man with so little time and energy
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: for the devil's business. You can't argue frighten or nager
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: man into loving you just because he ought to, because dearie,
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: love is not exactly a man's feeling for a thought censor,
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: a creditor, or a critic on the hearth. There are
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: more ways of killing a man's love than by strangling
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: it to death, but that's the usual way. In matters
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: of the heart. Most men are still in a state
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: of barbarism, slightly tempered by woman. A man is never
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: old until his spirit is worn out. His rosy hopes
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: have turned gray, his illusions have faded, and he has
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: wrinkles on his heart. An optimist is merely an ex pessimist,
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: with his pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition,
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: and his wife in the country. Every time a man
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: hits a woman's vanity, he makes a dent in her love.
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: breaks it, the third mends it, and all the rest
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: simply harden it. Dissimulation is the price of peace, but
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: it's awfully hard for a married woman to preserve the
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: piece by deceiving her husband into thinking that he is
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: deceiving her every time he tries. Of course, men are
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: not so suspicious as women. A woman in love would
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: be jealous of a straw dummy. But how can a
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: man possibly suspect that any girl on whom he may
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: bestow himself could ever think of anybody else. A good
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: woman inspires a man, A brilliant woman interests him, a
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: beautiful woman fascinating him, But the considerate woman gets him
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: there never was a man too near sighted to see
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: the look of admiration in a pretty woman's eyes. Wife,
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: the woman from whom a man failed to escape, and
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: to whom he complacently refers as the little woman I married.
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: Marriage the intermission between the wedding and the divorce. Wedding,
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: and begins roasting her. Most girls nowadays would give a
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: lot for a few solid vows, a few unshrinkable signs
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: of devotion, and a really convincing kiss. It isn't a
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: husband's disinclination to listen to his wife's conversation, but that
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: I AM ready to bear with you expression with which
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: he does it that grates on her nerves. So the
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: average man has so much heart that he apparently thinks
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: it is a pity to waste it all on one woman. Alas,
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: why is it that when your cup of happiness is full,
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: somebody always jogs your elbow. Never judge a man's love
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: by the ardor of his first kiss, nor by the
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: tenderness of his second, but by the eagerness with which
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: he seeks the third. When it comes to making love,
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: a girl can always listen so much faster than a
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: man can talk. If nothing but their heart strings became entangled,
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: people would not find the marriage tie so binding. It
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: is a man's purse strings and a woman's apron strings
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: that really form the Gaudian knot. In love, a man
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: loses first his head, then his vanity, then his poise,
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: and last of all his heart. It is much more
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: comfortable to be considered a little devil and get a
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: credit mark every time you do anything right, than to
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: be considered an angel and get a black mark every
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: time you do anything human. Love is again at which
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: a woman must play against stacked cards and without the
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: slightest inkling of the trump. A woman's last resort is hennah,
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: a man's gehennah. To a woman, marriage is the beginning
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: of life. To a man, it is the end of
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: liberty in the pursuit of happiness. Perfect wife, that which
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: a married man always fancies he might have gotten if
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: he had kept on experimenting a little longer. Why is
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: it that, no matter how much a man thinks of
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: one girl, he can't help thinking of a lot of
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: others at the same time. Don't waste time trying to
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: break a man's heart be satisfied if you can just
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: manage to chip it in a brand new place. End
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: of section six, Section seven of A Guide to Men
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: by Helen Rowland. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Divorces,
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: it is quite correct to send your former husband a
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: gift on the anniversary of your divorce, in remembrance of
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: the many happy days which you have spent a part.
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: Love the quest, marriage, the conquest, divorce the inquest. Most
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: marriages nowadays seem built for speed rather than for endurance.
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: A divorcee is one who has graduated from the correspondence
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: school of experience. Marriage, according to the Merry Widow Reno,
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: is a perfectly lovely experience to have had grass widow,
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: the angel whom a man loved, the human being he married,
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: and the devil he divorced. Most actresses are married now,
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: and then most literary women on and off most society
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: women from time to time. In olden days, the lover
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: cried in burning words and brave, oh darling, be my queen,
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: my bride, and let me be your slave. But nowadays
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: he murmurs over cigarette and tea, say, when you get
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: your next divorce, will you puff, marry me. When a
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: woman obtains her second divorce, one hardly knows whether to
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: class her is a good loser, a bad chooser, or
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: just a poor sport. Why is it that when a
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: man hears that a woman has had her past, he
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: is always so anxious to brighten up her present. Many
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce is because
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: she is tired of holding on to heaven with one
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: hand and on to a man with the other. When
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: that they have at last beguns that just after the
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: divorce feeling is not the exhilarating thing many people imagine it.
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: It is more like the mingled sensation of pain and
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: relief that comes the moment after you have removed a
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: tight slipper and before the ache has subsided. Divorce is
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: the great divide over which most men expect to pass
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: into the happy hunting grounds Reno The Land of the
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: Free and the Grave of the home. Third interlude. In
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: the abstract, a man admires nobility and intelligence in a woman,
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: but in the concrete he always prefers a bird of
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: paradise to a wren a decoration, to an inspiration, and
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: incense to common sense. Intuition is what a man calls
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: a girl's ability to see through him before marriage. Suspicion
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: is what he calls it after marriage. Satan himself could
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: no doubt make any woman love him if he took
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: the trouble to convince her that it was her beauty
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: that drove him to hades. Of course, polygamy is dreadful,
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: but at least an Oriental wife can come within four
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: or five guesses of knowing where her husband spends his evenings.
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: Take care of a woman's vanity, and her love will
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: take care of itself. Ever since Eve started it all
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: by offering Adam, the apple woman's punishment has been to
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: have to supply a man with food and then suffer
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: the consequences when it disagrees with him. The wings of
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: love are not clipped by marriage. They merely molt for
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: lack of exercise. All love is ninety nine point four
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: four percent pure, pure imagination, pure vanity, pure curiosity, pure folly,
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: or whatever else it happens to be. Don't waste your
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: tears on the go earls a heartbreaker should have married
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: and didn't save them for the girl he will marry
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: and shouldn't. It requires a little moisture to make a
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: postage stamp stick, and a little cold water of indifference
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: to make a sweetheart stick. There are only two kinds
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: of perfectly faultless men, the dead and the deadly. In
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: order to see a man in his most interesting colours,
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: a woman always has to scrape off a lot of
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: unnecessary whitewashing. Marriage is a discord that turns love's old
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: sweet song from a eulogy into an elegy. The height
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: of the average girl's ambition is just about six feet.
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: You can always cure a man of love sickness with
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: mental suggestion, merely by suggesting to him that the girl
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: is trying to marry him. Marriage is the operation by
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: without an anthetic Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: us up from love's young dream. The most successful men
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: are not those who have been inspired by a wise
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: woman's love, but those who have perspired in order to
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: gratify a foolish woman's whims. It is easier to keep
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: after he has stopped guessing. A man's soul lies so
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: close to his digestion that when he looks blue and downhearted,
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: a woman never knows whether to offer him a kiss,
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: a meal, a dose of philosophy, or a dyspepsia tablet.
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: A woman is so complex that she can prove to
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: a man by every possible convincing argument, that she feels
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: nothing but platonic friendship for him at the same time
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: that she is thinking how she would like to run
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: her fingers through his hair. One reason why a man's
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: life is so much fuller than a woman's is because
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: he spends nearly three quarters of it in hunting up
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: things for a woman to do. Oh yes, a woman
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: always looks up to a brave strong man whom she
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: can respect, and then nine times out of ten goes
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: and marries some pallid weakling whom she can mother. A
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: man spends his boyhood struggling against an education, his youth
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: struggling against matrimony, and his middle age struggling against enbonpois,
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: No man wants an equal, but an angel. If Satan
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: himself should decide to marry, he wouldn't go around looking
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: for a congenial little Satanette, but for a paragon who
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: had a pull with Saint Peter. Half A love is
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: better than none. End of section seven, Section eight of
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: A Guide to Men by Hello Roland. The sliprivox recording
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: is in the public domain. Widows a widow is a
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: fascinating being, with the flavor of maturity, the spice of experience,
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: the halo of one man's approval. Second morning is that
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: interesting period at which a widow continues to weep with
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: one eye while she begins to flirt with the other.
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: When a widow comes in at the door, a debutante's
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: chances fly out of the window. No matter how many
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: wrinkles a widow may have in her face, she always
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: has enough at her finger tips to offset them. Even
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: a dead husband gives a widow some advantage over a spinster.
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: The very debts her husband left afford her something to
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: boast about. To the unmarried woman who has only her
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: own board bills to pay. A girl takes a man
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: for better or for worse, but a widow merely takes
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: him for granted. Girls are the milk and honey which
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: sweeten the man's life, Widows the caveat and wine, which
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: relieve its flatness and give it spice and piquancy. A
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: girl knows exactly what kind of man she wants to marry,
• 59:20
  Speaker 1: but a widow knows all the kinds she doesn't want
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: to marry, and usually makes a safe selection by the
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: wise process of elimination. A widow's chief consolation in remarrying
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: is probably that she finds it less exhausting to sit
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: up and wait for one man to come home evenings
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: than to sit up and wait for a lot of
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: them to go home. Widows have all the honor and
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: glory without any of the trials of matrimony. A live
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: husband may be a necessity, but a dead one is
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: a luxury. Matrimony is the price of love. Widowhood the
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: rebate improvisations. Spring flowers are like spring love, so sweet
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: and tender, but doomed to fade quickly. It's in the
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: autumn of life or of the year that we get
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: the hardy variety of either a man may honestly admire
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: a superior woman, but when it comes to marrying, he
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: usually looks about for something far enough beneath him to
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: enjoy being ordered about and patted on the head. A
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: girl's heart is like her dressing table, crowded with tenderly
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: cherished little souvenirs of love. A man's like his pipe,
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: is carefully cleaned and emptied after each flame has gone out.
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: A man doesn't ask a girl to name the day
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: any more. He merely pleads guilty to loving her, and
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: then closes his eyes while she passes sentence on him
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: and decide when he shall begin serving time. When a
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: woman reforms, she bleaches her conscience down to the roots
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: as she does her hair. A man simply gives his
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: a coat of whitewashing, so that he will have a nice,
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: clean space in which to begin all over again. When
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 1: a bachelor sniffs through his letters before opening them in
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: the morning, it is not a sign that he is
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: looking for dynamite, but that he is looking for a
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: note bearing a brand of sachet, which he has mistaken
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: for some girl's sweet personality. At the awakening from love's
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 1: young dream, the woman's first thought is how can I
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: break his heart? The man's how can I break away?
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 1: A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: through her imagination, and then they both speak of it
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 1: as an affair of the heart. No clorise. A man's
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 1: idea of being loved isn't exactly being followed around with
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: a hot water bottle, a box of pills, and the
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: eternal question do you love me as much as ever? One?
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 1: Grass widow doesn't make a summer resort, but she can
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 1: always make it interesting. When a man has baggy trousers nowadays,
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 1: it is from falling on his knees to an automobile,
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 1: not to a girl. A black lie always shows up
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: against the dazzling background of truth. It's all the little
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: white ones a man keeps telling you that can't be
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: spotted or distinguished from the rest of his conversation. The
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 1: only time when a sense of humor profits a woman
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: anything is when she can laugh at herself for having
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: tried to charm a man by dazzling him with it.
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 1: Most men fall in love with a sudden jolt and
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: wake up to find that they are married to an impulse.
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: It's a lame love that has to be carried through
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: the honeymoon in a three thousand dollar touring car. In
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: the mathematics of a bachelor, one kiss makes a flirtation,
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: two kisses makes one conquest, three kisses make a love affair,
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: and four kisses make one tired. There are chained smokers
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 1: who light one's cigarette from the dying end of another,
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 1: and there are also chained lovers who like one flame
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 1: from the dying embers of another. Eve had one advantage
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: over all the rest of her sex. In his wildest
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: moments of rage, Adam could never accuse her of being
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: just like her mother. Every woman has a different notion
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: of an ideal husband, but every woman's ideal lover is
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: the same impossible combination of saint and devil, brute and
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: baby hero and mollycoddle that is never seen anywhere off
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: the stage or outside the pages of a best thriller.
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 1: Love is a voyage of discovery, marriage the goal, and
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: divorce the relief expedition. A man never can comprehend why
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: a woman can't understand how he can be dead in
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 1: love with one girl and acutely alive to the charms
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 1: of a lot of others at the same time. Jealousy
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: is the tie that binds, and binds and binds. It
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 1: is not the fear of being shipwrecked that keeps a
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 1: bachelor from embarking on the sea of matrimony. It is
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 1: the awful horror of being becalmed. Now a days, most
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 1: women grow old gracefully, most men disgracefully. A man can
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: forgive a woman for having made a fool of herself
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 1: over any man on earth except himself. Eternity the interval
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 1: between the time when a woman discovers that a man
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: is in love with her and the time when he
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: finds it out himself and tells her about it. The
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 1: follies which a man regrets the most in his life
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: In the average man's opinion, the command thou shalt not
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: steal does not apply to a kiss, a heart, an umbrella,
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: a hotel, or an after dinner story. To a woman,
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 1: the first kiss is just the end of the beginning.
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: To a man, it is the beginning of the end.
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 1: The qualities a man seeks in a bride no more
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: resemble those he will want in a wife than a
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 1: cabaret rag diity resembles a lullaby, but two years ahead
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: is farther than any man can see when he is
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: looking into a pretty girl's eyes. End of section eight,
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: Section nine of A Guide to Men by Helen Rowland.
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Widowers, you
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: make room. You may polish him up as you will,
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: but the mark of the married man clings to him still.
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 1: The tenderest, most impressionable thing on earth is the heart
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: of a yearling widower. Of course, it is easier to
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 1: marry a widower than a bachelor. A man who has
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: been through the armageddon of one marriage has no spirit
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: of battle left in him. When a widow begins curling
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 1: her hair again, or a widower begins worrying about his
• 1:06:11
  Speaker 1: thinness on top, Cupid chuckles and gets out his arrows,
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: and Satan smiles behind his hand. In the matrimonial market,
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 1: a seasoned bachelor is just a shopworn remnant. A divorcee
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: is a cast off secondhand article, but a widower is
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: a treasured heirloom, inherited only through death. After his wedding day,
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 1: a man usually tucks all the flattering adjectives and tender
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 1: nothings in his vocabulary away in a pigeon hole and
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 1: marks them not to be opened until widowerhood. Perhaps there
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 1: may not be so much excitement in marrying a widower,
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 1: but there is a lot more comfort in getting something
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: that another woman has broken into double harness than in
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: lashing yourself to a bucking bronco fresh from the wild.
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: No matter how unhappy a man may have been with
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 1: his first wife, nothing on earth will make him flatter
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 1: her successor by acknowledging that she was not a combination
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 1: of cursy. Since Cecilia and Venus de Milo, the girl
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: who marries a widower may be a sort of second edition,
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: but the girl who marries a seasoned bachelor is apt
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: to be a forty second edition. When a widower vows
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: he will never marry again, listen for the wedding bells.
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: The never agains are the easiest fruit in the garden
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 1: of love. It's the never at all's who are harder
• 1:07:35
  Speaker 1: than a newsboy's conscience, colder than yesterday's kiss, and less
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 1: impressionable than a boarding house stake. If a woman could
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 1: foresee how irresistible her husband would look with a bereaved
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: expression on his face and a black band on his
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 1: coat's leave. It would give her the strength to live
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: for ever. Some widowers are bereaved, others relieved. A man
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 1: may forget all about how to make love during ten
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 1: years of matrimony, but it's wonderful how quickly he can
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: brush up on the fine points again after he becomes
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 1: a widower. Fourth interlude. A man always looks at a
• 1:08:15
  Speaker 1: woman through either the right or the wrong end of
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: a telescope, and thus always sees her as a divinity
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 1: or a devil, never as a human being. Business girl's motto,
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 1: better marry and be a poor man's slave than stay
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 1: single and be a rich man's stenographer. When a clever
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 1: girl lets fly the arrows of wit, she should be
• 1:08:38
  Speaker 1: careful to see that a man's vanity is not the
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 1: bull's eye. It is difficult for a man to reconcile
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: a girl's absorbing interest in picture hats, pearl powder, and
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 1: paquin models with real brains, but somehow his own enthusiasm
• 1:08:53
  Speaker 1: for baseball and golf never seems to him incompatible with
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: superior intelligence. Don't fancy your husband has ceased to love
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 1: you merely because he no longer seems to notice your
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 1: presence around the house, wait till he gets so that
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 1: he doesn't even notice your absence. A good husband is
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: one who will get up and lift the ice off
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 1: the dumb waiter, instead of lying back and lifting his
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 1: voice to tell you how to do it without hurting
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 1: your itsy bitsy fingers. The shallower a man's love, the
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: more it bubbles over into eloquence. When his emotions go deep,
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: words stick in his throat and have to be hauled
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 1: out of him with a derrick. To be happy with
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: a man, you must understand him a lot and love
• 1:09:38
  Speaker 1: him a little. To be happy with a woman, you
• 1:09:41
  Speaker 1: must love her a lot and try not to understand
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 1: her at all. A man with savoir faire may scintillate
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 1: in a crowd, but it takes a bashful man to
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 1: shine in a dim, cozy corner. Every bride fancies that
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 1: she married the original cave man until she tries to
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 1: persua wid him to go out and argue with the furniture.
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 1: Ovis what a man calls his conscience in a love
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 1: affair is merely a pain in his vanity. The moral
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 1: ache that accompanies a headache, or the mental action that
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 1: follows a sentimental reaction. It never pays to compromise. Cheap clothes,
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 1: cheap literature, cheap sports, cheap flirtations, and life filled with
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 1: these is nothing but an electric flash advertising something just
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 1: as good. Just at first, every man seems to fancy
• 1:10:34
  Speaker 1: that it takes nothing but brute force and determination to
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 1: run an automobile or a wife. After the smash up,
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 1: he changes his mind. Brains and beauty are an impossible
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 1: combination in a woman, not necessarily impossible to find, but
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 1: impossible to live with. When a woman looks at a
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 1: man in evening dress, she sometimes can't help wondering why
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 1: he wants to blazon his ancestry to the world by
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 1: wearing a coat with a long tail to it. When
• 1:11:04
  Speaker 1: a man says he loves you, don't ask him why,
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 1: because by the time he has found his reason, he
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 1: will undoubtedly have lost his enthusiasm Pshaw. It is no
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 1: more reasonable to expect a man to love you to
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 1: morrow because he loves you to day than it is
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 1: to assume that the sun will be shining to morrow
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 1: because the weather is pleasant to day. Sending a man
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 1: a sentimental note just after he has spent the evening
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 1: with you has about the same thrilling effect as offering
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 1: him a sandwich immediately after dinner. A good woman, according
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: to Missus Grundy, is one who would scorn to sacrifice
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 1: society for the sake of a man, but will cheerfully
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 1: sacrifice the man she marries for the sake of society.
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: The flower of a man's love is not an immortelle,
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: but a morning glory, which fades the moment the sun
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 1: of a woman's smiles becomes too intense and glowing. The
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 1: sweetest part of a love affair is just before the confession,
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 1: when you begin discussing love in the abstract and gazing
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 1: concretely into one another's eyes. Marriage is a photograviewer made
• 1:12:14
  Speaker 1: from the glowing illusions which love has painted on the
• 1:12:16
  Speaker 1: canvas of the heart. A woman may have to reach
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 1: heaven before she tastes supernal joy, but to taste supreme punishment,
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 1: she has only to watch the love mist die out
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 1: of a man's eyes. Nothing frightens a man like a
• 1:12:32
  Speaker 1: woman's stony silence. Somehow, in spite of his lack of intuition,
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 1: he has a subconscious premonition that her love is dead.
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 1: When she is too weary and disinterested to answer back.
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: The satisfaction in flattering a man consists in the fact that,
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: whether you lay it on thick or thin, rough or smooth,
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 1: a little of it is always bound to stick. Love
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 1: is a furnace in which the man builds the fire,
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 1: and forever afterward expects the woman to keep it glowing
• 1:13:03
  Speaker 1: by supplying all a fuel. The gods must love summer flirtations.
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 1: They die so young. A man may have heart enough
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 1: to love more than one woman at a time, but
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 1: unless he is a fatalist, he should have brains enough
• 1:13:19
  Speaker 1: not to try it. When love dies, a wise married
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 1: couple give its ashes a respectful burial and hang a
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 1: good photograph of it on the wall for the benefit
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 1: of the public. End of section nine, section ten of
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: A Guide to Men by Helen Rowland. This LibriVox recording
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 1: is in the public domain. Second Marriages hints on how
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 1: to conduct on core performances of the ceremony. Every time
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 1: a man falls in love, he fancies that he has
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: just discovered a brand new sensation. But alas it always
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 1: turns out, like the hotel soup, to be just the
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 1: same old stock with a different flavoring. A bride at
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 1: her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 1: to see what she is getting. Always send your former
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 1: husband a notice of your marriage. True politeness consists in
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 1: giving pleasure to others. If you meet your ex husband's fiance,
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 1: treat her with sympathetic courtesy. Remember that she has more
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 1: to be pitied than scorned. If the bridegroom does not
• 1:14:34
  Speaker 1: show up, marry the best man. After a few weeks.
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 1: You will not be able to notice the difference between them.
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: Either will make you the same old excuses, tell you
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 1: the same stories, and give you the same stock kisses
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 1: in the morning. When your second husband begins to speak
• 1:14:50
  Speaker 1: wistfully of your first husband, do not chide him. Remember
• 1:14:54
  Speaker 1: that misery loves company, and perhaps it is a comfort
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 1: to him to think that someone else has been as
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 1: foolish as he has. Never consider your wedding a settled
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: thing until you have gotten the man to the altar.
• 1:15:07
  Speaker 1: The primary rule for marrying is first catch your husband. Besides,
• 1:15:14
  Speaker 1: there's many a slip TwixT the license and the certificate,
• 1:15:17
  Speaker 1: and you may let him slip. In selecting husbands, always
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 1: consider that it is quality, not quantity, that counts one
• 1:15:28
  Speaker 1: or two marriages. Like one or two drinks may not
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 1: have any visible effect upon you, but don't make it
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 1: a custom. A woman marries the first time, you know,
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 1: for love, the second time for companionship, the third time
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 1: for a support, and the rest of the time just
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 1: from habit. When marrying a second time, refrain from asking
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 1: your friends what they think about it. Remember that they
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 1: all think you are a fool. Intermuzzo. A man's kisses
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 1: a first reverent, then rapturous, then tender, then casual, and
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 1: at last charitable. The hardest thing in life is to
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 1: discover the exact geographical location of a man's grouch, whether
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 1: it is in his tooth, his vanity, or his digestion,
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 1: or is just a chronic condition of the whole system.
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 1: Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 1: in an automobile. Being married like a trolley trip on
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 1: rails with somebody ringing the bell at you every few minutes.
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 1: A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness, childlike inconsistency, torturing, jealousy,
• 1:16:42
  Speaker 1: and sublime unselfishness. And how is a man ever going
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 1: to comprehend a mixture like that? Alas, why is it
• 1:16:51
  Speaker 1: that the most popular and fascinating women are so often
• 1:16:54
  Speaker 1: the last to marry, and then nearly always pluck either
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 1: a broken stick from the tide of life or a
• 1:17:00
  Speaker 1: brand from the burning. Some women can be fooled all
• 1:17:05
  Speaker 1: of the time, and all women can be fooled some
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 1: of the time. But the same woman can't be fooled
• 1:17:10
  Speaker 1: by the same man in the same way more than
• 1:17:13
  Speaker 1: half of the time. A woman always wants her photograph
• 1:17:18
  Speaker 1: to flatter her, but a man is perfectly satisfied if
• 1:17:21
  Speaker 1: he gets one that looks as fascinating and impressive as
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 1: he thinks he does. A jealous husband can put two
• 1:17:28
  Speaker 1: and two together and make fourteen. When a man hesitates
• 1:17:33
  Speaker 1: to propose to a girl, he is never quite sure
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 1: whether it is the fear of being turned down or
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 1: the fear of being taken up which paralyzes him. Spring
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 1: is the time of year when the eternal monotony of
• 1:17:47
  Speaker 1: the daily grind gives a man a brain fag, and
• 1:17:50
  Speaker 1: the eternal monotony of any one girl appears to give
• 1:17:53
  Speaker 1: him heart fag. A wise woman puts a grain of
• 1:17:57
  Speaker 1: sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 1: a grain of salt with everything he says. To her.
• 1:18:04
  Speaker 1: Of course, a girl hates to wound a man, but
• 1:18:07
  Speaker 1: sometimes after a painful parting, it would seem so much
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: more artistic if he would only remain wounded just a
• 1:18:14
  Speaker 1: little longer. Making a man promise to drop a woman
• 1:18:19
  Speaker 1: simply excites his sympathy for her, so that before he
• 1:18:22
  Speaker 1: has fairly cut the string he is anxious to tire
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 1: ant in it again. The hardest task of a girl's
• 1:18:29
  Speaker 1: life nowadays is to prove to a man that his
• 1:18:32
  Speaker 1: intentions are serious. Love without faith, illusions and trust is Lord,
• 1:18:40
  Speaker 1: forgive us cinders, ashes and dust. A man who strays
• 1:18:46
  Speaker 1: for love of a woman may sometimes be reclaimed, but
• 1:18:49
  Speaker 1: the man who strays for love of amusement or love
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 1: of novelty will never stay put for any girl. Most
• 1:18:57
  Speaker 1: girls nowadays would give all myst most as much for
• 1:19:00
  Speaker 1: a little genuine sentiment and a really convincing kiss as
• 1:19:04
  Speaker 1: for a genuine old master and a really convincing novel.
• 1:19:09
  Speaker 1: There are a hundred things that the cleverest man in
• 1:19:11
  Speaker 1: the world can never understand, and ninety nine of them
• 1:19:14
  Speaker 1: are women. Many a man who is too tender hearted
• 1:19:19
  Speaker 1: to pour salt on an oyster will pour sarcasm all
• 1:19:22
  Speaker 1: over his wife's vanity, and then wonder why she always
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 1: shrivels up in her shell at the sight of him.
• 1:19:29
  Speaker 1: A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 1: marries a butterfly expecting her to turn into a grub,
• 1:19:35
  Speaker 1: should remember that nature never works that way. A married
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 1: man's hardest cross is not to be able to brag
• 1:19:43
  Speaker 1: to his wife about the women who tried to flirt
• 1:19:45
  Speaker 1: with him. Plato has lured more men into matrimony than cupid.
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 1: A man can see an arrow coming and dodge it,
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 1: but platonic friendship strikes him in the back. Many a
• 1:19:59
  Speaker 1: man whos started out to string a girl and gotten
• 1:20:02
  Speaker 1: so tangled up that the string ended up in a
• 1:20:04
  Speaker 1: marriage tie. Habit is the cement which holds the links
• 1:20:09
  Speaker 1: of matrimony together when the ties of romance have crumbled.
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 1: He that telleth a secret unto a married man may
• 1:20:17
  Speaker 1: prepare himself for a lot of free advertising for lo.
• 1:20:21
  Speaker 1: The conjugal pillow is the root of all gossip. To
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 1: make a man perfectly happy, tell him he works too hard,
• 1:20:29
  Speaker 1: that he spends too much money, that he is misunderstood,
• 1:20:32
  Speaker 1: or he is different. None of this is necessarily complimentary,
• 1:20:36
  Speaker 1: but it will flatter him infinitely more than merely telling
• 1:20:39
  Speaker 1: him that he is brilliant or noble, or wise or good.
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 1: After a woman has lain awake half the night in
• 1:20:47
  Speaker 1: order to be able to call her husband in time
• 1:20:49
  Speaker 1: to catch his train, it's rather hard to be hated
• 1:20:51
  Speaker 1: for it. Just like an alarm clock. A man expects
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 1: a woman to laugh at all his jokes, admire all
• 1:20:59
  Speaker 1: his bon moux, agree with all his opinions, and be
• 1:21:02
  Speaker 1: blind to all his faults. And then he scornfully wonders
• 1:21:06
  Speaker 1: why women are so hypocritical. A diamond and a lump
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 1: of coal are merely two varieties of carbon, but they
• 1:21:14
  Speaker 1: are as different as the two things which the right
• 1:21:17
  Speaker 1: wife and the wrong wife can make of the same man.
• 1:21:22
  Speaker 1: Sometimes man proposes and then keeps the girl waiting until
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 1: the lord kindly interposes. A woman flees from temptation, but
• 1:21:32
  Speaker 1: a man just crawls away from it in the cheerful
• 1:21:34
  Speaker 1: hope that it may overtake him. End of section ten,
• 1:21:46
  Speaker 1: section eleven of A Guide to Men by Helen Rowland.
• 1:21:50
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Woman and
• 1:21:56
  Speaker 1: Her Infinite Variety a leaf from Adam's diction. Woman a
• 1:22:03
  Speaker 1: divine creation for the comfort and amusement of mankind. Rib
• 1:22:10
  Speaker 1: that part of a man's self of which he thinks
• 1:22:12
  Speaker 1: the least and brags the most. Wife, the inferior fraction,
• 1:22:19
  Speaker 1: the excuse for all a man's sins, the cause of
• 1:22:22
  Speaker 1: all his failings, the keeper of his conscience, the guardian
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 1: of his digestion, and the repository of his grouches. Better half,
• 1:22:32
  Speaker 1: the half that is always left at home. Coquette any
• 1:22:37
  Speaker 1: woman who is so unreasonable as to not return a
• 1:22:40
  Speaker 1: man's affections. Flirt any woman over whom a man has
• 1:22:46
  Speaker 1: insisted on making fool of himself. Old maid an unmarried
• 1:22:51
  Speaker 1: woman with more wrinkles than the money. Bachelor girl an
• 1:22:56
  Speaker 1: unmarried woman with more money than wrinkles. Kitten any woman
• 1:23:02
  Speaker 1: under sixty for whom a man feels a temporary tenderness.
• 1:23:07
  Speaker 1: Queen a pretty woman whom a man has not yet kissed.
• 1:23:12
  Speaker 1: Ideal the particular woman to whom a man happens to
• 1:23:16
  Speaker 1: be making love. Clinging vine a woman who allows her
• 1:23:21
  Speaker 1: husband to think that he is having his own way.
• 1:23:25
  Speaker 1: Helpmate a combination of playmate, soulmate and light running domestic goddess,
• 1:23:34
  Speaker 1: an impossible woman who exists only in novels and in
• 1:23:37
  Speaker 1: a man's imagination. Paragon, the kind of woman a man
• 1:23:42
  Speaker 1: ought to marry, wants to marry, intends to marry, and
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 1: never does. Pessimism is a man's natural reaction after too
• 1:23:52
  Speaker 1: much of anything wine, love, food, flirtation, or optimism. Maxims
• 1:24:01
  Speaker 1: of Cleopatra. One these three things man feareth oysters out
• 1:24:08
  Speaker 1: of season, a babe that plays with fire, and a
• 1:24:11
  Speaker 1: woman who can reason. Two. Last year's sandals and yesterday's fish,
• 1:24:18
  Speaker 1: last night's kisses, and last week's wish ah to a
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 1: man things gone and past. Likewise the woman before the
• 1:24:26
  Speaker 1: last three. The soul of a man is white or black,
• 1:24:33
  Speaker 1: or yellow or dune, But a woman's soul is a
• 1:24:36
  Speaker 1: rainbow and a Roman sash in one. Four Empty the
• 1:24:43
  Speaker 1: words of the prayer when the pharisee prayeth aloud, Empty
• 1:24:47
  Speaker 1: the words of love when he praiseth thee in a crowd.
• 1:24:50
  Speaker 1: Yet he that is cold in the crowd, but seeketh
• 1:24:53
  Speaker 1: thine ear when alone in the land of the Great
• 1:24:56
  Speaker 1: God isis by the name Cad shall be five. As
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 1: the pearl that I dropped in the glass can never
• 1:25:06
  Speaker 1: again be mine. So many a pearl of woman's love
• 1:25:10
  Speaker 1: hath a man dissolved in wine? Six Geese walk not alone.
• 1:25:18
  Speaker 1: Sheep will follow sheep. So this little maxim I would
• 1:25:22
  Speaker 1: have ye keep, would ye conquer all men? Make a
• 1:25:26
  Speaker 1: fool of one. The rest will turn toward thee as
• 1:25:29
  Speaker 1: lilies to the sun. Seven. The young man calleth for wine,
• 1:25:36
  Speaker 1: the old for crystal water. Seek not to enslave a
• 1:25:39
  Speaker 1: boy till thou art thirty daughter. Eight. When the game
• 1:25:46
  Speaker 1: is over, vain the losers sigh to thy parting lover,
• 1:25:50
  Speaker 1: Wave a gay goodbye neath the storm cloud bending see
• 1:25:55
  Speaker 1: the lily. Laugh. If love's rain be ending, write his epitaph,
• 1:26:01
  Speaker 1: deck his grave with iris blot away. His name isis
• 1:26:05
  Speaker 1: and Osirius. Make thy daughter game nine. Flatter him boldly, daughter,
• 1:26:13
  Speaker 1: be he old or wise or callow, For there is
• 1:26:16
  Speaker 1: no need of flattery that a man will fail to swallow.
• 1:26:20
  Speaker 1: Yet after a time desist lest perchance in his vanity,
• 1:26:25
  Speaker 1: he wonder why such a demigod should stoop to a
• 1:26:28
  Speaker 1: worm like thee. Ten Call the bald man boy, make
• 1:26:34
  Speaker 1: the sage thy toy, greet the youth with solemn face,
• 1:26:38
  Speaker 1: Praise the fat man for his grace. End of section eleven,
• 1:26:49
  Speaker 1: Section twelve of Guided Men by Helen Rowland. This LibriVox
• 1:26:54
  Speaker 1: recording is in the public domain. Finale where is the
• 1:27:01
  Speaker 1: sweet old fashioned wife who used to get up at
• 1:27:04
  Speaker 1: six o'clock in the morning and cook her husband's breakfast?
• 1:27:07
  Speaker 1: Gone gone? Alas with a sweet old fashioned husband who
• 1:27:11
  Speaker 1: used to come home at six o'clock in the evening
• 1:27:14
  Speaker 1: and stay there. All the love routes lead to a kiss.
• 1:27:19
  Speaker 1: But some men make love with the directness of an
• 1:27:21
  Speaker 1: express train, some as haltingly as a local, and some
• 1:27:26
  Speaker 1: with a charm, smoothness and variation of a special When
• 1:27:32
  Speaker 1: a man complains of the girls who pursue him, don't
• 1:27:35
  Speaker 1: forget that the mark of a real girl charmer is
• 1:27:38
  Speaker 1: his dead silence concerning all women except the one to
• 1:27:42
  Speaker 1: whom he happens to be talking. A man's idea of
• 1:27:47
  Speaker 1: displaying resolution appears to be first to find out what
• 1:27:50
  Speaker 1: a woman wants him to do, and then to proceed
• 1:27:53
  Speaker 1: resolutely not to do it. Presence of mind in love
• 1:27:58
  Speaker 1: making is a sure sign of absence of heart. No
• 1:28:02
  Speaker 1: man begins to be serious until he begins to be foolish.
• 1:28:07
  Speaker 1: The girl a man marries is never the one he
• 1:28:09
  Speaker 1: ought to marry or intended to marry, but just some
• 1:28:13
  Speaker 1: innocent bystander who happens to be in the way at
• 1:28:16
  Speaker 1: the psychological moment. A woman's heart is like a frame
• 1:28:21
  Speaker 1: which holds only one picture at a time. A man's
• 1:28:25
  Speaker 1: is more like a cinematograph. A man's love is not
• 1:28:30
  Speaker 1: actually dead until he begins subconsciously to think of his
• 1:28:33
  Speaker 1: wife as the person who makes him wear his rubbers,
• 1:28:36
  Speaker 1: mow the lawn, put up the fly screens, and explain
• 1:28:39
  Speaker 1: where he has been all Saturday afternoon. The average man
• 1:28:45
  Speaker 1: is so busy backing away from the girls he ought
• 1:28:47
  Speaker 1: to marry that he usually backs right into the arms
• 1:28:50
  Speaker 1: of the one woman under heaven that he ought not
• 1:28:54
  Speaker 1: to marry. A man is like a motor car which
• 1:28:58
  Speaker 1: always balks on the trolley train and runs at top
• 1:29:01
  Speaker 1: speed downhill. A wife is the human break that prevents
• 1:29:05
  Speaker 1: him from going to destruction. When a girl refuses a man,
• 1:29:10
  Speaker 1: his greatest emotion is not disappointment, but astonishment that she
• 1:29:14
  Speaker 1: should be so blind to her own luck. Nothing bores
• 1:29:19
  Speaker 1: a man so much as for a woman to give
• 1:29:21
  Speaker 1: him all her love when he only wanted a little
• 1:29:24
  Speaker 1: of it. Solomon was the only man who ever had
• 1:29:29
  Speaker 1: six hundred and ninety nine alibis when one of his
• 1:29:31
  Speaker 1: wives detected the fragrance of another woman's sachet on his
• 1:29:34
  Speaker 1: coat lapel. Every man rocks the boat of happiness at
• 1:29:40
  Speaker 1: least once during a love affair, usually by trying to
• 1:29:43
  Speaker 1: leap out of it before it lands in the port
• 1:29:45
  Speaker 1: of matrimony. All a man needs in order to win
• 1:29:49
  Speaker 1: any woman is a little audacity, a little mendacity, and
• 1:29:53
  Speaker 1: plenty of pertinacity. The only chain that combined love is
• 1:30:00
  Speaker 1: an endless chain of compliments. When a woman doesn't marry,
• 1:30:05
  Speaker 1: it is usually because she has never met the man
• 1:30:08
  Speaker 1: with whom she could be perfectly happy. But when a
• 1:30:11
  Speaker 1: man remains single, it is usually because he has never
• 1:30:13
  Speaker 1: met the woman without whom he could not be perfectly happy.
• 1:30:19
  Speaker 1: Most men expect to reform between the last dose of
• 1:30:22
  Speaker 1: medicine and the last breath. Speaking of the modern advance
• 1:30:28
  Speaker 1: in the arts and crafts, it requires more art to
• 1:30:31
  Speaker 1: get a husband and more craft to keep one nowadays
• 1:30:34
  Speaker 1: than it ever did. A frank man may be the
• 1:30:38
  Speaker 1: noblest work of God, but he has as much of
• 1:30:41
  Speaker 1: a nuisance in feminine society as a woman on a
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 1: fishing trip. There is always a chance that a man
• 1:30:48
  Speaker 1: may escape from the bonds of matrimony. But an old
• 1:30:51
  Speaker 1: bachelor is wedded by all the bonds of nature to
• 1:30:54
  Speaker 1: a collection of habits from which nothing but death can
• 1:30:56
  Speaker 1: divorce him. By the time he mat a bachelor's heart
• 1:31:01
  Speaker 1: has been pressed, cleaned, and mended so often that it
• 1:31:05
  Speaker 1: will barely hold together through the honeymoon. It seems so
• 1:31:09
  Speaker 1: unreasonable of man to expect a woman to think straight,
• 1:31:12
  Speaker 1: walk straight, or talk straight, considering that she was made
• 1:31:16
  Speaker 1: from his rib, the crookedest bone in his body. Motto
• 1:31:21
  Speaker 1: for a married man's den others love your wife, why
• 1:31:25
  Speaker 1: not you? A man's idea of being perfectly loyal to
• 1:31:30
  Speaker 1: a woman is to think of her always, even when
• 1:31:33
  Speaker 1: he is kissing another woman. Love is just a glittering
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 1: illusion with which we gild the cold, hard facts of
• 1:31:40
  Speaker 1: life until all the world seems bright and shining. Most
• 1:31:46
  Speaker 1: men are so busy dodging one love affair that they
• 1:31:49
  Speaker 1: step right back under the wheels of another and are
• 1:31:51
  Speaker 1: fatally mangled. A brave man is always ready to face
• 1:31:56
  Speaker 1: the music, provided it isn't that old tune from life grin.
• 1:32:02
  Speaker 1: If married couples would show as much respect for one
• 1:32:05
  Speaker 1: another's personal liberty, habits, and preferences as they do for
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 1: one another's toothbrushes, love's young dream would not so often
• 1:32:12
  Speaker 1: turn into a nightmare. It is the Siamese twin existence
• 1:32:16
  Speaker 1: they impose on themselves that drives them for distraction or destruction.
• 1:32:22
  Speaker 1: A man kills time with a golf stick, a woman
• 1:32:25
  Speaker 1: with a lipstick. It is foolish to fancy that a
• 1:32:29
  Speaker 1: man is thinking of proposing to you. A man never
• 1:32:32
  Speaker 1: proposes to any woman until he has gotten past thinking.
• 1:32:37
  Speaker 1: If a man would employ a little more common sense
• 1:32:40
  Speaker 1: before marriage and a little more incense afterwards, marriage would
• 1:32:44
  Speaker 1: be more of an inspiration and less of a visitation.
• 1:32:49
  Speaker 1: Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
• 1:32:54
  Speaker 1: The man who takes a kiss for granted doesn't stand
• 1:32:57
  Speaker 1: a chance beside the man who takes it before it
• 1:33:00
  Speaker 1: is granted. Husband a miniature volcano, constantly smoking, usually grumbling,
• 1:33:08
  Speaker 1: and always liable to violent and unexpected eruptions. On the
• 1:33:14
  Speaker 1: journey of matrimony, there are no garages where punctured illusions
• 1:33:18
  Speaker 1: can be patched up, Shattered ideals mended, and empty hearts refilled.
• 1:33:24
  Speaker 1: Of course, a man is not as jealous as a woman,
• 1:33:27
  Speaker 1: because it's so hard for him to believe that a
• 1:33:29
  Speaker 1: girl on whom he bestows himself could possibly wish for
• 1:33:32
  Speaker 1: anything better. The making of a husband out of a
• 1:33:37
  Speaker 1: mere man is not a sinecure. It's one of the
• 1:33:40
  Speaker 1: highest plastic arts known to civilization. Before marriage, a woman
• 1:33:46
  Speaker 1: says sweetly, I understand you. After marriage, she says coldly,
• 1:33:51
  Speaker 1: I see through you. Oh what is so stupid as
• 1:33:56
  Speaker 1: last year's song, so foolish as last year's fashion, so
• 1:34:00
  Speaker 1: completely forgotten as last year's girl, and so dead as
• 1:34:04
  Speaker 1: a last year's passion curtain? End of a Guide to
• 1:34:10
  Speaker 1: Men being on core. Reflections of a Bachelor Girl by
• 1:34:14
  Speaker 1: Helen Rowland, recording by Corey Samuel