Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Help! I’m Struggling With Intimacy After My Divorce

Transcript

Help! I’m Struggling With Intimacy After My Divorce · I Do, Part 2

• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, and I do Part two. This is psychologist
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: doctor Hillary Culture taking over the pod today. So excited
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: to be here. I've been on the show a couple
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: of times, but as a refresher. I am a licensed
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: clinical psychologist who's done a ton of work in the
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: area of relationships. I help couples as well as individuals
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: in all areas of life before marriage, during marriage, separated, divorced,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: high conflict, divorce, any stage of relationship is an area
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: that I love to delvin and is part of the
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: work that I do. And today I'm extra excited because
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: it looks like we're going right in that arena. I'm
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: going to answer some of your email questions and some
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: of your voicemail questions, so let's dive right in. We
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: have a combo of some listener email questions and some voicemails,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: so I'm going to go to my first listener question,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: and this one is from anonymous. I want to know
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: how to stop overthinking the beginning of relationships. I find
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: myself over analyzing texts, assuming I know someone's intentions before
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: they've had the chance to show me who they are,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: and creating a version of them in my head based
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: on my own fears or past experiences. How do you
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: stop doing that, stay present and give someone a genuine
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: chance to show you who they are instead of who
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: you're afraid they'll be. This one is a good one
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: and juicy and loaded and so relatable that early relationship
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: angst is an inherent part of the risk profile file
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: associated with entering into a psychological intimate connection with someone,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: and I have a couple of thoughts about how to
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: manage it and how to acknowledge that it's part of
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: the process. So, starting from where I ended, engaging in
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: an intimate relationship both physically, emotionally, etc. Does have a
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: risk profile, and so being able to recognize that part
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: of it is going to be guiding yourself to accept
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: that there's going to be nerves involved, there's going to
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: be fraught feelings involved, and there's going to be moments
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: where you're going to feel vulnerable. And so instead of
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: trying to guide yourself to not feel those feelings, the
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: question becomes how do I acknowledge those feelings, have compassion
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: for those feelings, and manage those feelings, and how do
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: I want to show up on the back of those feelings?
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: And so I think I'm making a really important distinction,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: because the edict that somehow you could eliminate those feelings
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: is to pressure filed. It's more about, Okay, so those
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: feelings are here, what do I do with them? And
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: at the beginning of a relationship, trying to remind yourself
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: that you don't know someone, that you don't have data
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: around them, and that you're really in an investigative kind
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: of collective mode and you're trying to gather information about
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: who they are, and so trying to extrapolate that data
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: into making predictions about the future is sort of a
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: poor use of time and energy. So I would recommend
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: two things. One, when the feelings come of fear around
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: what do they mean? How are they representing themselves? Do
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: they like me? Do they pick me? Is he going
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: to call? What does this text mean? Taking a pause
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: and recognizing that, like right, some of this is just
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: generalized anxiety around the natural hope and potential disappointment that
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: comes from engaging in the possibility of finding a relationship
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: and trying to overanalyze bits of data into making huge
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: meaning at the beginning of a relationship is like using
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: I don't know like the onion to get your daily news.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: It's just not a credible source. You need more experience
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: and more time with someone to make meaning about who
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: they are and how they feel about you. And the
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: other thing I wanted to recommend it this is a
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: big one, is that we often find ourselves in relationships
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: thinking about how does this person feel about me? Do
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: they pick me? Are they oriented toward me? Are they
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: putting energy into me? And we forget to ask ourselves
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: how we feel around them, how do they make me feel?
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: What kind of energy am I getting from them? How
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: do I feel about how they move through the world,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: How do I feel about how they treat me, how
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: they communicate with me, how they resolve conflicticked And if
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: we diversify our analysis of not just being around how
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: they feel about us, but being around how we feel
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: about them, it gives us a sense of empowerment. So
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: it is a fraud part of a relationship that beginning
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: so normalizing yet but realizing that you can curate internal
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: tools so that you feel a little more empowered. All right,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: let's see what our next listener question is. This one
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: is from Lyric and she's talking about her experience around
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: divorce and so there are a lot of listeners that
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: may be able to relate to this. She says, I
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: got divorced last year and we've been together since high school.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I immediately got into another relationship after the split, and
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: now my current boyfriend is asking what the next steps
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: are We aren't on the same timeline. Does this mean
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: our relationship is likely not going to work out? How
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: do I tell him I want to go slow with
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: our hurting his feelings? This issue itself, the question is
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: so important, but the answer encompasses more than just this context.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: And this really is about one's ability to communicate authentically
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: and honestly in the context of a relationship. And so
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: I'll break that down in a moment. But getting to
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: her specific, so she was divorced, she quickly got into
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: a new relationship with lots of people have lots of
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: feelings about that. People like to think about whether or
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: not getting into a relationship quickly is quote bad or okay,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: or that there's some clear amount of time that's right
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: in terms of waiting until one days again after a breakup.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I don't really subscribe to that. I think any experience
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: that one has post a fraud relationship can be practice,
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: can be playful, can be fun. It's really about being
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: connected to your own in tensions and your own internal
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: feeling state, rather than being overly concerned about how other
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: people are viewing it or what your community is saying
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: around timing. But it appears this person gotten to Lara
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: gotten too a relationship quickly afterwards, and now her current
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: boyfriend is asking what the next steps are and it
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: sounds like he is wanting to move forward more quickly
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: than she is. Does this automatically mean the relationship won't work?
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: The answers, I don't know, and she doesn't know either,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: And the reason why she doesn't know is because she
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: hasn't directly communicated to her authentic feeling state around this.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: And this is the key, and this is why this
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: question is both about the thing, the divorce, and timing
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: timing posts a divorce, but it's also about communication. It's
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: hard to say hard things in relationships, and yet it's
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: one of the keys to relationships staying dynamic and connected
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: and authentic. And so recommendation here is to sit down
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: with him and say very directly that it appears we
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: have different ideas about timing around this relationship and that's
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: a potential obstacle. It scares me to have this conversation
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: because I'm afraid it could mean that we'll find we
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: can't be together. But nonetheless, I wanted to take the
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: risk because I care about you so much and sit
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: down and talk about where's your head at in terms
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: of timing, where my head is at in terms of
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: my authentic feelings around timing, and is there something that
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: we can come to that's a mutual compromise that's good
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: enough for both of us. And so when people talk
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: about compromise, this is really what it looks like, sitting
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: down respectfully, coming from your adult centered place and saying,
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: where can we come together on this issue that feels
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: good enough for both of us and feels like a sacrifice,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: feels like a compromise versus a sacrifice, compromise versus a sacrifice,
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: especially the beginning of a relationship. So she was asking
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: about how she has this conversation without hurting his feelings.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: And it's an interesting way to frame the dilemma because
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: I think there's a sense that we often have that
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: we can be in relationships with others without ever hurting
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: their feelings or ever disappointing them, and that's not really
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: a thing we want to do. Communication that's tricky in
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: a respectful manner, in a digestible manner, But we can't
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: operate as if we're never going to disappoint somewhere or
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: never going to hurt their feelings. It's really about how
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: we say things and how we come together after something
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: feels divisive or fraud. So my summary is to be gentle, honest, authentic,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and vulnerable and have a real discussion about where there
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: might be alignment and face the possibility that it might
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: not work, but embrace possibility that it might. The only
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: way to know is to have that conversation. Lyric, Okay,
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: we're going to do one more email. Then after this
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna pivot to a voicemail. So this one is
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: from Alisa, and she says, I find myself ruminating on
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: negative thoughts since my last relationship ended. I'm in my
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: late fifties, don't have kids, and have been single a
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: long time. That's in capital letters, the long What can
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: I do when I start to negatively spiral so it
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: doesn't offset my entire day. It's a really good question.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Once again, I can answer the specific question, and it's
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: sort of based in the realm of relationship stuff, but
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: the tools I'm going to recommend are useful for any
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: set of tricky feelings, which is essentially, what do I
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: do when I'm consumed with negative thoughts that take away
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: from my day and make it hard to move through
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: my day with positivity or momentum. In this case, Lisa's
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: really struggling since her last relationship and probably feeling some
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: sense of hopelessness and sadness and pain around being single
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: and what her future prospects look like very real and
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: so how do we move through a day when we
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: have very real pain points but don't want it to
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: consume us? And so I have some very specific notions
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: around this that I talk about a lot with my clients,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: and that is kind of a twofold process, and I
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: sort of alluded to this earlier, which is it is
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: really important when we have negative feelings to not move
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: away from it, paradoxically, to not suppress it, to not
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: dismiss it, deny it, minimize it. Why because if we
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: do that, we become more symptomatic. What I mean is
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: that if we suppress hard feelings, eventually they catch up
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: with us, and how they catch up with us is
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: more involuntary, meaning we get agitated, we have trouble sleeping,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: we eat too much, we too little, we overwork, underwork,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: et cetera. There's some way in which we'll have emotional
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: rent to pay if we don't safely deal with our
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: tricky feelings. And so I would recommend facing those feelings
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: on a daily basis, maybe setting aside some quote worry
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: time if it's resonant right, so that like ooh, I
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: woke up, Maybe a Lisa wakes up and she's feeling
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: these really negative feelings and being really gentle with herself
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: that like, there they are again. I'm feeling that negative sense,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: I feel that foreboding feeling about my day. I'm going
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: to really pause and honor these feelings. Maybe I journal
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: about them, Maybe I sit and think about them. Maybe
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: I call a safe other, maybe I have a therapy appointment.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: But I find a safe outlet to get them up
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: and out. And it's not so much about solving them,
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: it's about acknowledging them. I feel lonely, I feel sad,
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I feel hopeless about my romantic prospects in the future.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I'm just sitting with these honest, real, authentic human feelings.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I'm not broken, I'm not flawed, it's just real. And
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: setting aside concrete time for worried feelings is really healthy
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: because they don't get stuck inside. I like to recommend
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: even putting a timer around it. Maybe we set our
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: phone for ten minutes, fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. I wouldn't
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: recommend more than thirty minutes, like really delving into the
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: pain and creating sacred space for them. But here's the
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: part that I think Alisa is mostly asking about, which
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: is what then so it doesn't consume your whole day,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: then being very deliberate, very intentional, but very gentle around. Okay,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: so I've set aside time for these worried feelings. I'm
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: going to gently urge myself to put them away. Does
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: that mean they magically disappear? Of course not. And this
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: is where the work begins, because of course they don't
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: magically disappear. But by telling our elves that we're going
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: to seek to compartmentalize the feelings, we start building new
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: neural pathways. And this gets like a little tricky, but
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: let me see if I can break it down. We
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: have these neural pathways that repeat quickly involuntarily. We have
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: a negative thought, we go all the way to the
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: undesired outcome, which is I'm consumed with negative feelings and
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: feel hopeless. And that's what she's talking about, and that
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: can make up a pattern of our day if it
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: goes uninterrupted day after day after day. So we need
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: to interrupt the neural pathway so it doesn't travel quite
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: so fast and we don't end up at that unwanted
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: outcome of feeling like we're consumed and ruminating with negative feelings.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: And how we do that is we do different things.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: So we put away our feelings after our worry time,
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: and then we make concrete decisions about how we're going
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: to move through the rest of our day, one small
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: decision at a time. And I'm a decision neutral, meaning
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: whether it means you're going on a walk, you're calling
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: a friend, you're going to the store to pick some
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: flowers out for your kitchen table, whatever it is that
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: you're finding ways to move through the world in a
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: more expansive way, even if they're small. And when you
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: start stringing those things together, those neural pathways I alluded
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: to earlier on as powerful and there's more room for
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: more feelings. And so it's one of those things you
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: got to stick with. You're not going to feel better
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: on day one, potentially, or day five or day fourteen.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: Over time, your body will start to recognize that you
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: have internal resources to combat hard feelings, and that in
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: itself starts to make more room for more feelings. So, Alisa,
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I honor the feeling state that you're having, and I
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: also really encourage you to get as concrete as I
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: was describing in how you approach it. This is something
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: if you want things to be different, you have to
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: do things differently. If you want things to be different,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: you have to do things differently. And it isn't about
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: how quickly the pivot occurs. It's about the habitual nature
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: of doing things differently that yields results over time. Let's
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: pivot to voicemails. Let's start with Greg.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: This is Greg from Sarah soa. I'm curious, as a
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: divorced single man, do you bring up on the first
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: date that your divorce or usually wait and bring that
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: up later in the second or third date.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Thanks Greg, Thank you so much for calling and asking
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: that question. It's so nice to hear from a guy
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: who's trying to think through how to move through the
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: world post di Wars. It can be fraught, and it's
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: a really good question. And I think there's a bigger
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: macro question around your micro question, which is like, no, seriously,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: do I say the thing or not on the first date?
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: And the macro question is what is your orientation towards
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: your journey of divorce? Meaning is it one that's fraught
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: with shame or embarrassment or is it one that includes
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: kind of acceptance and self compassion and empathy. And divorce
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: is one of my areas of expertise as well. It's
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: an incredibly painful, traumatic time and so it's never a
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: dichotomous answer. There's lots of feelings that people feel around divorce,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: but I really encourage you to start deliberately embodying a
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: sense of self acceptance around it. That divorce is part
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: of your story and there's pain points associated with it,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: but hopefully now there's expansiveness and openness and hope associated
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: with it as well. As you put yourself out there,
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: it appears to look for do experiences and potentially a
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: meaningful connection. So I think if you're coming from that
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: frame of mind. The question about whether to talk about
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: it or not won't feel as fraud if it naturally
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: comes up in conversation on a first date. I think
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: it's absolutely more than fine that you allude to your
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: experience and where you are in your process, and there's
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: a good chance that it does. I think on many
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: first dates people start talking about their relationship history because
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: it's an interesting point of conversation, and I think it's
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: more than fine and even in power to say, like, yep,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: this is where I am. I've been through this, this
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: is sort of the highlights of what I've learned, and
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: you know thematically where I am now and that I'm
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: in like a hopeful forward moving place to not feel
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: like you have to justify or explain. And if for
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: some reason, someone sort of doesn't feel good about dating
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: someone who has been through a divorce stating the obvious,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: but that's clearly not an alignment and someone that you
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: wouldn't want to invest a lot of time in going
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: through a divorce. While painful, shouldn't be a source of embarrassment.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Relationships are complicated, and it doesn't make you a bad
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: relationship option. If you've made the tough decision to not
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: stay in a relationship. So thanks for the question, Greg,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I think it's a really important one. I think we
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: have time for one more voicemail.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: I have a question. My name is Kelly. I'm wondering
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: how you open up to man after a divorce, newly dating,
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: or you've been single a long time, probably single a
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: long time? What apply to me?
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: And how do.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: You become intimate with somebody when you're been single a
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: long time and you have had your heartbroken a couple
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: of times, not necessarily by because somebody cheated, just not
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: emotionally available.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Kelly, thank you so much for this question. And
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: this is this is a big one. I think one
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: that a lot of people can relate to, is how
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: do you guide yourself into a potential state of intimacy
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: when you've been hurt before. It's such an existential ask
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: because we can't help but sometimes move into a place
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: of self protection, and sometimes that's appropriate, but also for
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: us to gain access to safe, playful fun intimacy, we
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: have to have some degree of openness. So it really
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: is a rough analysis, and my answer in some way
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: may not feel completely satisfying because there isn't a perfect formula,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: but I'm hoping thematically this helps. It's really normal to
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: feel both. You're both going to feel scared, afraid, vulnerable,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: and hopefully a sense of openness, expansion, possibility, and hopefulness,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: and those are appropriate, especially when you've been in relationships
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: that have been painful, and painful doesn't have to mean cheating.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: And so I think you go slow and you build
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: a rhythm that is resonant to you. And how do
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: you know what's resonant to you? It requires a lot
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: of mindfulness and it might seem overly contrived or prescribed,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: and that's because it is. But really continuing to ask
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: yourself throughout the process, how did that make me feel?
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: How did being around this person make me feel? Did
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: I feel safe? Did I feel comfortable? How do I
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: feel around them? And being able to gauge the level
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: of connection and intimacy that they were helping to curate
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: and that you were experiencing and whether or not it
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: felt comfortable or not. Trust your intuition, check in regularly
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: and if it's feeling like too much, it's okay to
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: slow it down. And what is slowing it down even mean? Right?
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: It could mean things as concrete from how often you
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: see them, the topics that you're talking about, to how
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: much energy you're putting into it in your mind. I
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: think a universal relatively universal phenomenon is thinking too much
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: about a potential relationship at the beginning and it feeling
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: consuming and kind of cultivating feelings of insecurity. So really
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: trying to go for emotional diversification so that we're putting
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: energy where it belongs. If we've met someone that feels
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: compelling and interesting and is starting to feel like a safe,
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: interesting place to put time into, great, but also making
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: sure there's emotional diversification. We're still spending time with our girlfriends,
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: our family, our siblings, etc. So that you're not relying
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: on one person or one set of experiences for your
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: sense of value and purpose. So I think it's a
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: combination Kelly, of both being deliberate about the pace and
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: emotionally diversifying your experience so your sense of self doesn't
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: come from one place and trusting yourself to be able
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: to handle if a relationship doesn't work out. And part
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: of how we do that is through that emotional diversification,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: and we still have a landscape of people and resources
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: and potential experience behind us even if a relationship doesn't
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: work out. You guys, thank you so much for writing in,
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: calling in, and being so vulnerable in your questions. I
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: think it's so helpful for people to put words to
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: so many other people's experiences and the realm of relationships
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: and just in the realm of managing tricky feelings. So
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: it gives us here at the pod an opportunity to
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: talk about things that I think are so resonant for
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: other people. So thank you so much for writing in.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Are you finding it hard to navigate your chapter two
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: struggling and need some advice? Send us an email or
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: leave us a voicemail. All the info is in the
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: show notes, and make sure to follow us on socials.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where falling in
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: love is the main objective.