Latest / Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment) / SnapShot: When Nature Calls During a Police Stakeout: A Detective's Embarrassing Media Moment
Transcript
- 0:00Speaker 1: All right.
- 0:01Speaker 1: So here's a Murders to Music snapshot that I'm going to take you back to right in the heart of COVID and in the heart of the George Floyd protests and civil actions that were going on.
- 0:18Speaker 1: So you know where I worked was in the Portland metropolitan area and we have a bunch of civil unrest and a bunch of writing that is going on all over the place and unless you were under a rock, if you ever watched the news, you can see that the city of Gresham was literally burning.
- 0:36Speaker 1: Sorry, the city of Portland was literally burning for months on end.
- 0:40Speaker 1: Writing in the street every night sounded like when the cops would key up their mics.
- 0:46Speaker 1: It sounded like Beirut every single night.
- 0:51Speaker 1: So it's the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday and we have a riot protest going on in my city, which is just outside Portland, and it was our job to run intelligence for that.
- 1:03Speaker 1: So that means I'm in my police car, which was a Honda Odyssey minivan, and I'm on surveillance and I'm there for hours and I'm watching this protest go down in front of me and I am squirreled away in some hidden spot and I'm watching through binoculars and reporting what I hear into our surveillance team inside, who's on cameras and we're getting intel on people and all that kind of stuff.
- 1:28Speaker 1: So that is my goal.
- 1:30Speaker 1: Well, as I sit there for hours, I have my lunch with me, I have my Gatorades, I got my water and I'm eating and drinking and I'm there, for I plan on being there for eight hours.
- 1:40Speaker 1: So I got all this stuff right.
- 1:41Speaker 1: Well, we're about six or seven hours into the day and I can't leave my post.
- 1:52Speaker 1: I can't go to the bathroom, but I've drank all these Gatorades in these waters and now have to pee really bad.
- 1:54Speaker 1: And if there's any cops listening, you'll know that when you have to pee, there's a reason you drink Gatorade and that's because you have the big mouth on that Gatorade bottle, which makes it a nice target for when you have to pee in a vehicle.
- 2:09Speaker 1: So I'm there, I got people all around me, but I cannot hold this pee anymore.
- 2:16Speaker 1: So I take my empty Gatorade bottle and I got a couple of them and I'm trying to figure out how now I'm not a small dude and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get elevated in the seat of this car to pee into this bottle.
- 2:30Speaker 1: But I do it and I pee into the bottle and I'm peeing, and I'm peeing and I can't stop it.
- 2:38Speaker 1: I can't like pinch it off and stop, but I'm still peeing and it's going.
- 2:42Speaker 1: And this has been like backed up for hours and now it's just like it's like the Hoover dam is just flooding.
- 2:48Speaker 1: So I got that second bottle.
- 2:50Speaker 1: So now you can imagine me on my knees in the front seat of this car, like completely exposed, peeing into one bottle and reaching for that second bottle.
- 3:01Speaker 1: Cause now I need to fill up a second bottle, but the first bottle.
- 3:03Speaker 1: What the hell am I going to do with that?
- 3:05Speaker 1: So here I am, I grab the second bottle, I do the little swap-a-roo.
- 3:10Speaker 1: Well, when I do, pee splashes out of the first bottle and pee like goes down the front of my pants and I pee on my pants and now the front of my pants is soaked in pee.
- 3:20Speaker 1: But now I'm into that second bottle and I get the first bottle taken care of.
- 3:25Speaker 1: I finally finished peeing and I put the lid on and I'm like, huh, that was a pain in the ass.
- 3:30Speaker 1: Thank God nobody saw me do that and I looked down.
- 3:33Speaker 1: I got pee all over the front of my pants.
- 3:35Speaker 1: But I don't really care, I'm going to be on surveillance anyway.
- 3:37Speaker 1: It's just me.
- 3:37Speaker 1: So who cares?
- 3:38Speaker 1: I'm wearing khakis, no-transcript.
- 3:56Speaker 1: Guess who gets sent to that?
- 3:57Speaker 1: Call Me.
- 3:58Speaker 1: So I am the detective assigned to that.
- 4:01Speaker 1: So I take off and I run lights and sirens across town and I get there.
- 4:05Speaker 1: Well, by the time I got there, the media is already there.
- 4:09Speaker 1: They've got a camera set up right where I approached, on my end of the crime scene, just outside the crime scene tape, the Honda Odyssey minivan pulls up with lights and sirens it's obviously detective.
- 4:21Speaker 1: This is sexy for their camera.
- 4:23Speaker 1: And the camera spins and comes onto me and I'm like you've got to be kidding me.
- 4:28Speaker 1: I'm still soaked all down the front of my pants.
- 4:30Speaker 1: I can't get out of the car like this.
- 4:32Speaker 1: So about that time my partner shows up, comes up to my window and I'm like hey, dude.
- 4:36Speaker 1: I said, uh, I'm on the phone, I wasn't.
- 4:37Speaker 1: But I'm like hey, dude.
- 4:37Speaker 1: And I said I'm on the phone, I wasn't, but I'm like I'm on the phone and you know, go up there, I'll be up in a second and you know I'll chat with you when I get up there.
- 4:45Speaker 1: He's like, okay, so he walks up through the crime scene.
- 4:48Speaker 1: They don't focus on him.
- 4:50Speaker 1: I'm hoping he's going to be a distraction.
- 4:51Speaker 1: They don't focus on him.
- 4:53Speaker 1: So I've got the fan going in my car.
- 4:56Speaker 1: I'm like fanning my crotch.
- 5:02Speaker 1: I'm trying to make this.
- 5:02Speaker 1: I'm drying, got a dry towel or a cloth I'm trying to rub like the pee out of my pants.
- 5:04Speaker 1: It's not going away.
- 5:05Speaker 1: I've got to get out of my car.
- 5:08Speaker 1: So I get out of my car and I got my clipboard, my big metal clipboard.
- 5:11Speaker 1: I get out of my car and I hold this clipboard right in front of my crotch.
- 5:16Speaker 1: So now I'm covering the pee stains with the clipboard and I walk in.
- 5:22Speaker 1: Sure enough, the camera's right on me and I'm like you gotta be kidding me.
- 5:25Speaker 1: So the camera's right on me and I walk into the crime scene and a group of people walk towards me.
- 5:31Speaker 1: So now I'm literally just inside the crime scene facing the camera, and this is where my crew of people want to talk and have a conversation and brief about what they got.
- 5:40Speaker 1: So as I'm talking, I'm holding, I'm like pointing with one hand, but I keep switching the keyboard or the clipboard in my hands because it's covering my crotch, and then finally the clipboard comes up and I'm like I'm exposed.
- 5:54Speaker 1: But people were looking in another direction and I hoped that.
- 5:56Speaker 1: You know, the camera didn't catch it and we go on and we solve that case, we work that case and and life is good.
- 6:02Speaker 1: But guess what was on the news?
- 6:04Speaker 1: You totally got me on the news getting out of my car it's obvious that I'm covering my crotch with this clipboard and then, like the camera it's almost like the camera wanted to see what was behind door number one, because it continued to watch me and it was zoomed in on me and it sees me pointing and it sees me switching hands and then it sees me lift the clipboard up and the front of my pants is soaked in piss and it was embarrassing for me, you know, and I didn't tell that story until I got out of law enforcement because I didn't want to draw attention to it.
- 6:37Speaker 1: But if you look hard enough out there, you're going to see me in khakis on a crime scene with pee all over my pants.
- 6:44Speaker 1: Sometimes it just happens.
- 6:46Speaker 1: That's it.
- 6:47Speaker 1: That's a Murderous Music Snapshot and a day in the life of pissing in a Gatorade bottle.