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09 - Mark Twain; his life and work. A biographical sketch by William M. Clemens · Mark Twain; his life and work. A biographical sketch

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  Speaker 1: Chapter nine of Mark Twain His Life and Work, a
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  Speaker 1: biographical sketch by William M. Clemens. This LibriVox recording is
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  Speaker 1: in the public domain. Chapter nine, The Lecture Platform. In
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  Speaker 1: eighteen eighty four, Mark Twain and George W. Cable made
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  Speaker 1: a general tour of the country, each giving readings from
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  Speaker 1: his own works. Cordial receptions and crowded houses greeted them everywhere.
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  Speaker 1: The platform was not a novelty to Mark Twain. He
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  Speaker 1: had delivered lectures in California and Nevada in eighteen sixty
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  Speaker 1: six and eighteen sixty seven, had appeared in public upon
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  Speaker 1: several occasions in England, and had spoken a number of
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  Speaker 1: times at dinners and banquets in New York and Boston.
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  Speaker 1: He became known as a man possessing remarkable powers of elocution,
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  Speaker 1: and his parlor readings of Shakespeare were said to be
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  Speaker 1: masterly performances. Strong inducements had been offered him to lecture abroad,
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  Speaker 1: even so far away as Australia. In eighteen eighty four,
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  Speaker 1: he consented to lecture in America for a period not
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  Speaker 1: exceeding five months. In December eighteen eighty four, Mark Twain
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  Speaker 1: and George W. Cable appeared in Cleveland. They arrived one
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  Speaker 1: afternoon and registered at the Forest City House. I called
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  Speaker 1: to pay my respects. Was mister Clemens in yes, but
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  Speaker 1: he had just eaten dinner, it then being three o'clock,
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  Speaker 1: and had gone to bed, not to be disturbed until
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  Speaker 1: seven o'clock, excepting in case mister John Hay, the author
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  Speaker 1: of Little Britches called mister Clemens. Would see mister Hay,
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  Speaker 1: but no other human being could entice him from his bed.
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  Speaker 1: In the evening occurred the entertainment mister Cable read passages
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  Speaker 1: from his novel Doctor Sevier. Mark Twain came upon the stage,
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  Speaker 1: walking slowly, apparently in deep meditation. Those presents saw a
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  Speaker 1: rather small man with a big head, with bushy gray hair,
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  Speaker 1: heavy dark eyebrows, a receding chin, a long face, toothless
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  Speaker 1: gums visible between the lips, an iron gray mustache, closely
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  Speaker 1: cut and stiff. The right hand involuntarily stroked the receding chin,
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  Speaker 1: and a merry twinkle came into his eyes as he
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  Speaker 1: advanced to the front of the stage and began to
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  Speaker 1: recite in his peculiar drawing and deliberate way. King Solomon,
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  Speaker 1: taken from advance sheets of Huckleberry Finn. When he had finished,
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  Speaker 1: he turned and boyishly ran off the stage with a
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  Speaker 1: sort of dog trot. Then I remember that mister Cable
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  Speaker 1: came on, told us all about Kate Riley and Ristoffelo,
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  Speaker 1: and then, in imitation of Mark Twain, tried to run
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  Speaker 1: off the stage in the same playful manner. I remember
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  Speaker 1: also what a deplorable failure mister Cable made of the attempt,
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  Speaker 1: how his gentle trot reminded me of a duck going
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  Speaker 1: down hill, and how eventually he collided with one of
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  Speaker 1: the scenes, and lastly, how the audience roared with laughter.
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  Speaker 1: Then Mark came forward again with his tragic tale of
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  Speaker 1: the Fishwife, followed by Cable, who walked soberly now like
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  Speaker 1: a Baptist Deacon. Twain told us of a trying situation,
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  Speaker 1: and finally concluded the entertainment with one of his inimitable
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  Speaker 1: ghost stories. He is a good talker and invariably prepares himself,
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  Speaker 1: though he skillfully hides his preparation by his method of delivery,
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  Speaker 1: which denotes that he is getting his ideas and phrases
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  Speaker 1: as he proceeds. He is an accomplished artist in his way.
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  Speaker 1: His peculiar mode of expression always seems contagious with an audience,
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  Speaker 1: and a laugh would follow the most sober remark. It
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  Speaker 1: is a singular fact that an audience will be in
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  Speaker 1: a laughing mood when they first enter the lecture room.
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  Speaker 1: They are ready to burn stout on anything and everything.
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  Speaker 1: In the town of Colchester, Connecticut, there was a good
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  Speaker 1: illustration of this, the Honorable Demshane Hornet, having a most
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  Speaker 1: unpleasant experience at the expense of Mark Twain. Mister Clemens
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  Speaker 1: was advertised to lecture in the town of Colchester, but
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  Speaker 1: for some reason failed to arrive. In the emergency, the
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  Speaker 1: lecture committee decided to employ mister Hornet to deliver his
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  Speaker 1: celebrated lecture on temperance. But so late in the day
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  Speaker 1: was this arrangement made that no bills announcing it could
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  Speaker 1: be circulated, and the audience assembled expecting to hear Mark Twain.
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  Speaker 1: No one in the town knew mister Clemmens or had
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  Speaker 1: ever heard him lecture, and they entertained the idea that
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  Speaker 1: he was funny and went to the lecture prepared to laugh.
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  Speaker 1: Even those upon the platform, excepting the chairman, did not
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  Speaker 1: know mister Hornet from Mark Twain, and so when he
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  Speaker 1: was introduced, thought nothing of the name, as they knew
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  Speaker 1: Mark Twain was a nom de plume, and supposed his
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  Speaker 1: real name was Hornet. Mister Hornet bowed politely, looked about him,
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  Speaker 1: and remarked, in temperance is the curse of the country.
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  Speaker 1: The audience burst into a merry laugh. He knew it
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  Speaker 1: could not be at his remark, and thought his clothes
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  Speaker 1: must be awry. And he asked the chairman in a
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  Speaker 1: whisper if he was all right, and received yes for
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  Speaker 1: an answer. Then he said, rum slays more than disease.
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  Speaker 1: Another but louder laugh followed. He could not understand it,
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  Speaker 1: but proceeded, it breaks up happy holmes, still louder mirth.
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  Speaker 1: It is carrying young men down to death and hell.
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  Speaker 1: Then came a perfect roar of applause. Mister Hornet began
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  Speaker 1: to get excited. He thought they were poking fun at him,
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  Speaker 1: but went on, we must crush the serpent. A tremendous
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  Speaker 1: howl of laughter. The men on the platform except the chairman,
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  Speaker 1: squirmed as they laughed. Then Hornet got mad. What I
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  Speaker 1: say is gospel truth, he cried the audience fairly bellowed
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  Speaker 1: with mirth. Hornet turned to a man on the stage
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  Speaker 1: and said, do you see anything very ridiculous in my
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  Speaker 1: remarks or behavior? Yes, it's intensely funny. Go on, replied
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  Speaker 1: the roaring man. This is an insult, cried Hornet, wildly,
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  Speaker 1: dancing about. More laughter and cries of go on Twain.
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  Speaker 1: Then the chairman began to see through a glass darkly,
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  Speaker 1: and arose and quelled the merriment and explained the situation.
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  Speaker 1: And the men on the stage suddenly ceased laughing, and
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  Speaker 1: the folks in the audience looked sheepish, and they quit
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  Speaker 1: laughing too. And then the excited mister Hornet, being thoroughly mad,
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  Speaker 1: told them he had never before got into a town
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  Speaker 1: so entirely populated with asses and idiots, And having said that,
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  Speaker 1: he left the hall in disgust, followed by the audience
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  Speaker 1: in deep gloom. When mister Clemens and mister Cable appeared
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  Speaker 1: in Albany, New York, they paid their respects to the
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  Speaker 1: governor and visited the state capitol. They entered the Adjutant
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  Speaker 1: General's office, and, finding the official out, they sat down
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  Speaker 1: to await his return. There were a considerable number of
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  Speaker 1: gentlemen in the party, and the chairs were soon occupied.
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  Speaker 1: Mister Clemens sat down carelessly on one of the Adjutant
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  Speaker 1: General's official tables. The party were chatting cheerfully and conducting
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  Speaker 1: themselves peacefully when a dozen clerks and deputies of the
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  Speaker 1: department came rushing into the office and with unusual vehemence,
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  Speaker 1: asked what was wanted. None of the visiting party seemed
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  Speaker 1: to understand a situation. An investigation, however, disclosed the fact
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  Speaker 1: that Mark Twain, by accident or design, had planted himself
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  Speaker 1: squarely on a long row of electric buttons, and thus
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  Speaker 1: set ringing a score or more of call bells in Montreal.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Upon the occasion of Mark Twain's appearance, there were a
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  Speaker 1: large number of Frenchmen in the audience. This caused him
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  Speaker 1: to introduce his lecture the following, where so many of
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  Speaker 1: the guests are French, the propriety will be recognized of
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  Speaker 1: my making a portion of my speech in the beautiful language,
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  Speaker 1: in order that I may be partly understood. I speak
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  Speaker 1: French with timidity and not blowingly, except when excited. When
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  Speaker 1: using that language, I have noticed that I have hardly
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  Speaker 1: ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except perhaps by horses.
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  Speaker 1: Never I believe by people. I had hoped that mere
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  Speaker 1: French construction with English words would answer, but this is
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  Speaker 1: not the case. I tried it at a gentleman's house
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  Speaker 1: in Quebec, and it would not work. The maid servant asked,
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  Speaker 1: what would monsieur? I said, monsieur so, and so is
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  Speaker 1: he with himself? She did not understand. I said, is
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  Speaker 1: it that he is still not returned to his house
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  Speaker 1: of merchandise. She did not understand that either. I said,
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  Speaker 1: he will desolate himself when he learns that his friend
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  Speaker 1: American was arrived and he not with himself to shake
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  Speaker 1: him at the hand. She did not even understand that.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know why, but she didn't, and she lost
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  Speaker 1: her temper. Besides, somebody in the rear called out ki edantlas,
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  Speaker 1: or words to that effect. She said, sit therefoo and
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  Speaker 1: shut the door on me. Perhaps she was right, But
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  Speaker 1: how did she ever find that out? For she had
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  Speaker 1: never seen me before till that moment. But as I
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  Speaker 1: have already intimated, I will close this oration with a
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  Speaker 1: few sentiments in the French language. I have not ornamented them,
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  Speaker 1: I have not burdened them with flowers of rhetoric, for
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  Speaker 1: to my mind that literature is best and most enduring,
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  Speaker 1: which is characterized by a noble simplicity.
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  Speaker 2: J Belle Buton d'Or d'armond, uncle may Genepa, Silris de Charpontier,
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  Speaker 2: civou zave le fromage de brave minucier sebon may si
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  Speaker 2: vu ne lave pa navous de soule pa prene le
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  Speaker 2: chapeau de dra noir de Saint Bouffre malade to tell
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  Speaker 2: her savoir faire, cascavoudt, pates de foi gras revenant, no
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  Speaker 2: Mouton Barton, monsieur pantonemoi essaya parlais la belle longue.
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  Speaker 1: Dollendorf strains me more than you can possibly imagine. But
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  Speaker 1: I mean well, and I've done the best I could.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: Mister Clemens met with an amusing adventure. When he and
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  Speaker 1: mister Cable were making their tour in the South. A
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  Speaker 1: misguided but enthusiastic young man managed, after some difficulty, to
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  Speaker 1: secure an introduction to the humorist on a river steamer
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  Speaker 1: just before the latter's departure from New Orleans for Saint Louis.
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  Speaker 1: The young man said I've read all of your writings,
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  Speaker 1: mister Twain, but I think I like the Heathen Chinee
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  Speaker 1: the best of them all. Mister clements shook the young
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  Speaker 1: man's hand with tremendous enthusiasm. My dear sir, he remarked,
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  Speaker 1: I am pretty well used to compliments, but I must
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  Speaker 1: say I never received one which gave me equal satisfaction
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  Speaker 1: and showed so kindly an appreciation of efforts to please
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  Speaker 1: the public. A thousand thanks, and the young man replied,
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  Speaker 1: you are perfectly welcome, mister Twain. I am sure you
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  Speaker 1: deserve it. Shortly after his return from his lecture tour,
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  Speaker 1: the representative of a leading publishing house called upon mister
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  Speaker 1: Clemmons at his Hartford residence, offering him his own price
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  Speaker 1: for a certain contribution which was specially desired. Well, I
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  Speaker 1: tell you, said Mark, with his inimitable drawl. I have
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  Speaker 1: just got a thundering big book through me, and an
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  Speaker 1: awful lecture course through the people of this unfortunate country.
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  Speaker 1: And I feel like an anaconda that had swallowed a goat.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to turn over or wiggle again for
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  Speaker 1: six months. This was his way of declining the offer
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: after dinner speaking became as natural to mister Clemmons as
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  Speaker 1: his appearance upon the lecture platform, and he has won
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  Speaker 1: the title of being the most entertaining table talker in America.
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  Speaker 1: Not many years since, he was present at a monthly
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  Speaker 1: meeting of the Military Service Institute on Governor's Island. General W. T.
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  Speaker 1: Sherman and General Schofield were present. Mister clements said that
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  Speaker 1: that which he was about to read was part of
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  Speaker 1: a still uncompleted book, of which he would give the
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  Speaker 1: first chapter by way of explanation and follow it with
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  Speaker 1: selected fragm or outline the rest of it in bulk,
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  Speaker 1: so to speak to as the dying cowboy admonished his
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  Speaker 1: spiritual adviser to do, just leave out the details and
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  Speaker 1: heave in the bottom facts. Once upon a time, a
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  Speaker 1: military regiment from Worcester, Massachusetts visited Hartford, and the humorist
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  Speaker 1: was put forward as the spokesman to welcome officially the
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  Speaker 1: soldier guests of the city. Among other things, he said,
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  Speaker 1: when asked to respond, I said I would be glad
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  Speaker 1: to but there were reasons why I could not make
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  Speaker 1: a speech, but I said I would talk. I never
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  Speaker 1: made a speech without getting together a lot of statistics
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  Speaker 1: and being instructive. The man who starts in upon a
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  Speaker 1: speech without preparation enters upon a sea of infelicities and troubles.
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  Speaker 1: I had thought of a great many things I had
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  Speaker 1: intended to say. In fact, nearly all of these things
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  Speaker 1: I have heard here to night. I had thought of
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  Speaker 1: get a man away down here on the list, and
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  Speaker 1: he starts out empty. One reason I didn't like to
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  Speaker 1: come here to make a prepared speech was because I
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  Speaker 1: have sworn off I have reformed. I would not make
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  Speaker 1: a prepared speech without statistics and philosophy. The advantage of
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  Speaker 1: a prepared speech is that you start when you are
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  Speaker 1: ready and stop when you get through. If unprepared, you
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  Speaker 1: are all at sea. You don't know where you are.
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  Speaker 1: I thought to achieve brevity, but I was mistaken. A
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  Speaker 1: man never hangs on so long on his hind legs
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  Speaker 1: as when he don't know when to stop. I once
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  Speaker 1: heard a man who tried to be reformed. He tried
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  Speaker 1: to be brief. A number of strangers sat in a
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  Speaker 1: hotel parlor. One sat off to one side and said nothing.
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  Speaker 1: Finally all went out except one man and this dummy.
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  Speaker 1: The dummy touched this man on the shoulder and said,
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  Speaker 1: I think I have whistles e you before. What makes
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  Speaker 1: you whistle? Asked the other man. I used to stammer
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  Speaker 1: and the shh. Doctor told me when I wish wanted
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  Speaker 1: to speak and stammered to whistle, I didn't. You did whistle,
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  Speaker 1: and it cured me. So it is with a man
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  Speaker 1: who makes an unprepared speech. He tries to be brief
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  Speaker 1: and it takes him longer. I won't detain you. We
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  Speaker 1: welcome you with cordial hospitality, and if you will remain,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: we will try and furnish better weather tomorrow. One of
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: his famous after dinner speeches was in response to the
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: toast the Babies, and another was his speech on woman
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: at the annual dinner of the New England Society some
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  Speaker 1: years ago. He spoke immediately after General Grant. Among the
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  Speaker 1: good things, he said worthy following, the daughter of modern
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: civilization is a marvel of exquisite and beautiful art and expense.
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  Speaker 1: All the lands, all the climes, all the arts are
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  Speaker 1: laid under tribute to furnish her forth. Her linen is
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  Speaker 1: from Belfast, her robe is from Paris, her fan from Japan.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: Her card case is from China. Her watch is from Geneva,
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  Speaker 1: her hair from from I don't know where her hair
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  Speaker 1: is from. I could never find out. That is her
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  Speaker 1: other hair, her public hair, her Sunday hair. I don't
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  Speaker 1: mean the hair she goes to bed with. Why you
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: ought to know the hair. I mean it's that thing
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: which she calls a switch, and which resembles a switch
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: as much as it does a brick bat or a shotgun.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: It's that thing that she twists and then coils round
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: and round her head bee hive fashion, and then tucks
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  Speaker 1: the end in under the hive and harpoons it with
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: a hairpin. In eighteen eighty five, at the Academy of
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Music in Philadelphia occurred a benefit performance for the Actor's Fund.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: The house was crowded. Joseph Murphy had just given the
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: graveyard scene for from Chammru. The widower and his little
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  Speaker 1: son visit the grave of the wife and mother and
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  Speaker 1: go through some very pathetic incidents. A delay occurred after
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  Speaker 1: the Chaenrue had sorrowfully led his offspring from the hallowed spot.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: The audience was in the usual sympathetic condition after the scene,
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  Speaker 1: and noses were blown generously in the commendable effort to
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  Speaker 1: brace up for the appearance of Mark Twain, who was
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  Speaker 1: to come on next and read his ridiculous tale of
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  Speaker 1: a Fishwife. The dozen mounds with their crosses and head
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: pieces that had been used to make up the scene
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: of the cemetery had not been removed, and the idea
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: that the humorist would have to read his nonsense in
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: such surroundings caused anxiety. Twain was standing at the wing
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: ready to go on, and many saw him. The uneasiness
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: of the people became more universal, as it now seemed
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: inevitable that a most grotesque picture would be thrust upon them.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: An appalling blunder in stage management seemed about to be committed.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: The gentlemen who had charge of the entertainment were sitting
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: in a box at the right of the stage and
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: could plainly see Twain's embarrassment. Both made a rush for
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: behind the scenes to order the removal of the graves,
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: but they were too late. As they flew through the
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: box door, Mark Twain stepped cautiously on the stage. He
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: took a couple of steps forward, glanced up at the
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: picture before him, and stopped short. He turned his head
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: toward whence he had come as though looking for the manager,
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: gave an agonizing glance of appeal, muttered something that had
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: the tone of vigor, but at last went ahead. He
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: made his way down to the footlights with halting, uncertain steps,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: fumbling his notes between his fingers, and casting nervous looks
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: at the solemn signs of death that half surround him.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: At last he got squarely before the audience. By this
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: time every person in the house was thoroughly uncomfortable. A
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: weak effort at applause had been made by some of
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: the bravest hearted on the appearance of the humorist, but
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Mark's indifference to the reception and the overwhelming incongruity of
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: the scene had a saddening effect. The house became so
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: still that the rolling of a ball of cotton could
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: have been heard. He stood before the leader of the
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: orchestra like a schoolboy about to speak his first piece.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: Never a model of the esthetic in action, he was
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  Speaker 1: now painfully awkward and confused. He twisted his notes and
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: wiggled his fingers every now and then, looking over his
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  Speaker 1: shoulder at the scene of death with gazes of suspicion
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: and apprehension. He remained looking foolish for many seconds, two
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: or three times, making an in effectual attempt to say something.
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  Speaker 1: At length, he found voice, and in his drawling tones
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: even longer drawn out than usual, the embarrassed reader said,
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen, aer thiserer melancholy occasion. It gives me
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: an an opportunity to make an erm explanation that I
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: have long desired to deliver myself of. I rise to
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: a question of the highest privilege before a Philadelphia audience.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: The audience, without the remotest idea of what was coming,
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: still sat quiet and expectant. Mister Clemens continued.
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  Speaker 3: In the course of my checkered career, I have on
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: divers occasions been charged, always maliciously, of course, with more
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  Speaker 3: or less serious offenses.
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  Speaker 1: It is in reply to one of the more important
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  Speaker 1: of these that I wish to speak more than once
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: I have been accused of writing the obituary poetry in
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: the Philadelphia Ledger. A gentle smile was seen to pass
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: over the faces of the multitude, and pleasant feeling began
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: to assert itself. I wish right here, went on, mister Clemmens,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: with gathered self possession, to deny that terrible assertion. The
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: audience now laughed outright, and comfort was pretty well restored.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: I will admit that once, when a compositor in the
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: ledger establishment, I did set up some of that poetry,
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: but for a worse offense than that. No indictment can
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: be found against me. And then, in an outraged manner,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: the humorous exclaimed I did not write that poetry. And then,
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: after a pause, at least not all of it. The
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: reader had his hearers with him after that, and he
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: never read his Tale of a Fishwife to a more
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: appreciative audience. End of chapter nine, read by John Greenman.