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283. Do We Make Marriage Harder Than It Needs To Be? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Do we make marriage harder than it needs to be?
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: So Amy and I were talking about you know, obviously we've done so many podcast episodes, we've talked about so many different things and I think sometimes it can feel overwhelming like, oh, I got to do all these things to make my marriage better.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: In reality, it's not that hard or that difficult to get your marriage to a great point and I think oftentimes, or is it, or is it We'll let you decide, I guess.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: But it really is the small and simple things at least that we've noticed.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: But I think a lot of times we often make marriage a lot harder than it needs to be.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: so this episode we're gonna talk about, I guess, how we can just simplify things right, really what it comes down to this is like the question of the day, because a lot of people listening are probably like marriage is so freaking hard and I thought that at year 12 like I was like what on earth, why is this so dang hard?
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: Because you imagine before you get married that it's just going to be easy and happy.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: Well you kind of just.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: I mean, you fall in love and you're all giddy and you're excited, and those feelings are there and you just can't wait for your spouse to come home.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: And then that starts to fade and you're like a couple years in or whatever.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: Like it changes right, it totally changes and now?
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: amy can't wait for her spouse to leave.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: So it used to be.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: You can't wait for him to come home.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: And now you've flipped and you're like I can't wait for him to leave well, you never leave, so I don't know that's true, but no of course not, it's just oh we've been married a long time we've been married a long time, A long long time 22 years is a long time, yeah, and it gets hotter with every year.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: No, I think so.
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: I think this is a hard question because I think marriage can be really, really hard and I think there's things we can do to make it a lot easier.
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: But I think it all comes down to it takes both of you, and if you don't have both of you working, I mean that's literally what this entire episode will come down to is marriage takes two.
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: The reason it becomes so hard is because one person feels like they're doing everything or putting all the effort in One person maybe gets lazy or they change in some way negatively, and that's what makes it hard.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: Right, the lack of effort.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe some way negatively, and that's what makes it hard, right, the lack of effort.
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe their goals change their ambitions.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: I mean, we're not really.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: Everybody changes, right, like we all change, like we grow up, like when you commit to marriage, like you're taking a pretty big risk.
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie, you have no idea yeah, what, what trials are gonna get thrown at you, how hard your kids are going to be, how, if your spouse is going to change on you.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: I mean bodies change, looks change, careers change, kids change, you, your goals change we should have asked that lady that's been married eight times and she's still in her 30s no, we will not be asking her anything.
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: Um, I did a quote a long time ago it was like months ago but it said marriage isn't easy.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: It was meant to test you, to teach you, to humble you, to make you better, to help you learn to be unselfish, to help you forgive, to teach you patience, to help you, to help you grow.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: Love isn't easy.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: And then it got all mush and he was like well, it's worth it when it's comforting, passionate, blah, blah, blah.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: The point of that first part is I think we sign up because we're like yeah, I have this lifelong best friend that I get to be intimate with and have a family with.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: This is just going to be so much fun, right.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: And then we get into it and we're like this was literally like the biggest test in life, like God gives us two people that are completely different, different sex drives, different ambitions, different personalities, different upbringings and also it's like okay, good luck.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: But, but, but at the end of the day, it's what brings you the most joy and happiness.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: And we're going to get there.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: There's nothing that can replace a happy marriage.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: Nothing can bring you more joy and happiness than a healthy marriage and family.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: I was getting there.
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: Good job when I say healthy, I'm not just talking like you're exercising.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: I'm saying you have a healthy marriage where you're getting along and you love each other and respect each other.
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: And you've been through hard things that have helped you grow together right.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: So when it sounds hard, like it's meant to test you, teach you humble, you make you better, make you unselfish it's really just teaching you how to be more Christ-like, right.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: And when both people like literally grow in that sense and become one, like there's nothing more rewarding.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: It's an amazing thing, it's an amazing thing.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: So kind of rambled for a sec there, but I think I do think that we make marriage harder than it really needs to be.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: I'm not saying it's always one person's fault, but there are things we can do to make marriage easier.
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: And we finally understood that Like year 15, we finally were like you know what?
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: This should not be this hard.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: If we do this, if we do, this.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: We're the ones making it harder.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: Sometimes we just have to look at ourselves and be like am I making my marriage harder?
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: Because literally there's tools to make marriage easier.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: And sometimes simplifying things can make things easier.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: Like I said, we're constantly talking about different things on the podcast which are important, which need to be talked about, but I also feel like sometimes we can just simplify things and those are what we're going to talk about today.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: Okay, so the first thing to make marriage a little bit easier is to stop setting, or stop having, unrealistic expectations in marriage of your spouse, of yourself, like this can go lots of different ways, right, but like when we we have this expectation, like it's supposed to look like this, our marriage is supposed to be like this, our sex life is supposed to look like this, and if it doesn't supposed to look like this, and if it doesn't, I'm unhappy exactly yeah exactly.
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: So coming down to reality and stop comparing your marriage from what you see and what you hear and just being like okay that really just sets you up for disappointment all the time.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah and decide what's going to make us happy, regardless of the name.
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: You know, our friends are having sex seven nights a week.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Are we going to be happy with two nights a week?
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: We're like fine.
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: Hopefully you don't even know.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: The point I'm trying to make is, like you said, stop comparing, find out what works the best for you and get rid of those big expectations.
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: Right, and in the romance department too, and in the date night department, like lots of different departments right In every department Um.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: I think, I think that I'm glad that's the number one, because I think that's where we get the most unhappy is when our expectations are so high and we feel like we're not, as a couple, meeting those expectations, and that's why social media is a freaking mess to marriage.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: Social media is going to wreck society because we think, oh, my husband doesn't do that for me, oh my wife doesn't initiate like that, oh my husband doesn't provide like that, oh my wife doesn't.
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: Like we're constantly fed that this is what's normal or what this is what's healthy, and the more that we put that into our minds, the more we're just going to be disappointed in our own lives you know most of it's fake, right, yeah, and you know what's interesting too.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Um, and I'm not saying this is the way this crossed the board, but you see, social media, when it very first came out, and even you know, right now, everyone's presenting their best selves.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: So all you're seeing is, oh, people going on vacation and, uh, live in a big house and this and that.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: But you're starting to see the trend change to where now people are whining and complaining that their life sucks and they're posting videos about how horrible their life is and how they can't find a spouse or get a good job.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: And it's interesting that you're almost seeing it go from one thing warping into another, which I don't know.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: I mean it'll be interesting to see if people start watching that and be like, oh my heck, I know for me like I'm just constantly like man.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: A lot of people are really struggling.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: I'm very grateful for what I have a lot of people are really struggling.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: I'm very grateful for what I have.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: It's almost doing the opposite and maybe in a good way of making us realize what we have and how grateful we should be for what we do have.
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: I like that you pointed that out.
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: It's all the algorithms are so different, so it kind of depends on what you're watching is what you're getting fed.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: That's kind of how social media and that stuff works right, like the more you see of if one thing, the more you start seeing more of it.
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: Um, I just want to point this out really quick.
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: Like when my kids were turning like pre-teen, like a few years ago, they were whining about so-and-so has this, so-and-so has this, and I sat them down and I said you know what?
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: Let's, let's watch some videos about what's going on the other side of the world, where people are starving, and like 30 minutes into the movies they're like oh, I have a really good life, yeah like yeah, exactly like it's all about what you're feeding yourself exactly so true, so be very mindful about what you're feeding yourself and I think that is the same for adults
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: absolutely 100, very careful um, the next one we always talk about.
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: We won't spend long on this one, but just we make it harder in marriage by having lack of communication around hard topics and I'm not going to spend a lot of time, but like if there's something that's causing an issue in your marriage and you're just sweeping out of the rug, you're just making your marriage harder right and we often say if, if something is hard to talk about, that's all the more reason to talk about it, get it over with yep and just get, get it fixed okay.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: Next one is kind of like number one, but it's external pressures from work, finances, family, social expectations, keeping up with people.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: All that stuff adds stress and strain to our marriages and it really just distracts us and makes it hard to prioritize our marriage.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, um, the expectations that are now are financially, physically, spiritually, like we have all these expectations about who we're supposed to be now and those are all good right, like I mean, we should want to be better people, we should want to be healthier we should want to make more money.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: All those things are good, but within a balance within a balance, a balance, a healthy balance.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: But I feel like that one kind of goes along with expectations, but it's more like the external pressures like when we're putting expectations on us.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: Then we have the pressure to make more money, to work harder, to do this, to look better, spend more time at the gym, like those things are going to distract us from our relationship absolutely if it's not a healthy balance.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: Healthy balance in all things right.
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: The next thing that is really making marriage harder than it needs to be is just being scared of being vulnerable in your relationship, and I think that's more, probably more, of a guy thing.
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: I think a lot of husbands were taught to just kind of keep their emotions in.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, more of a guy thing.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of husbands were taught to just kind of keep their emotions in, yeah, and I think you know obviously, obviously sexual intimacy is a very vulnerable thing.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: But emotionally being vulnerable enough to like open up and express your feelings and your fears and your concerns, like if couples really do that and express those things to each other, they truly are gonna have a better connected marriage for sure, for sure.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm constantly telling you like my fears and things like that, and vice versa.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: I I think you have to yeah.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: I think you both have to be like that, I think but if the spouse is like holding stuff in you're, you're making your marriage harder.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: Uh, the next one is kind of interesting that you would think about this as kind of harming your marriage or making it harder.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: But it's neglecting self-care and the reason why that can make your marriage harder is because if you neglect your own needs, it can make you feel depleted, unable to show up fully in your marriage because you're not giving yourself that self-love and self-intention that is actually super important for self-confidence as well too.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: And let's face it if down the road in life you're not as healthy and you're having more health problems and things like that, how can that not negatively impact your marriage?
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: For sure that's going to be a huge strain on your marriage right.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: But even like right now, like when I take care of myself, like physically and mentally and emotionally, like I can give you more, I can nurture our relationship more because I'm in, I would say, unresolved baggage that needs to be fixed can really put a damper on your relationship.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: We did a poll on this a while back and I don't remember what the results were, but I remember they were a lot higher than I thought they would be, with couples that are holding, or spouses that are holding on to resentment, like it was pretty high.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: So there is a lot of couples struggling with that and need to figure out how to let go of that resentment and I'm not saying it's easy, it's not easy.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: It's not easy.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: But if you want to progress, if you want to have a happy marriage, you got to figure out a way to to resolve those concerns and and it might take a lot of time- and the whole reason this one, I would say, was so important is because of your ability to trust in your marriage.
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: Like, if you can't trust, you're making your marriage hard.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: Is one person create doing things to keep that trust from being a hundred percent or you're not having those vulnerable conversation, like whatever that barriers the keeping from 100% trust?
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: That's gonna totally make marriage harder.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: Um, okay, you love, you'll have lots to say on this one.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: Taking each other for granted, does that make marriage harder?
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: yeah, yeah, for sure, and I I think we all have a tendency to do that.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: Um I think this one leads to complacency yeah, we don't realize what we have or how important our spouse is, so maybe we treat them differently.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: Um, and I think we're all guilty of that to some some sense, you know for sure, complacent complacence complacent is it's not a good, not a good place, yeah, not a good place to be.
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: Um, I think, like you just talked about saying thank you to your spouse, like if we could literally just say thank you every single day, at least one time, thank you for doing that or thank you for doing that.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: It's a really simple word.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: So powerful.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: Such a powerful word and then we just did that daily, like I think that would make marriage easier, because then it helps the other person to be like oh, they appreciated that I'm going to keep doing doing it, it makes you want to do things for them, right oh for sure, the times you say thank you to me and I think vice versa, it means a lot yeah, it's huge um.
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: The next one is the failure to prioritize.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I Next thinking.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: Well.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: I I mean.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: Life demands a lot of us, right.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm just laughing and I'm thinking because, again, going back to how so many couples just don't prioritize each other, they don't prioritize their marriage, they prioritize so many things above that and yet they expect to have a good marriage, which isn't going to happen what happened to our relationship when we started prioritizing date night every week?
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: oh, completely changed did our marriage get easier no, but our I wouldn't say that well, I don't know that our marriage got easier, but our relationship got better.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: I guess what I'm saying is our immediate circumstances in our life didn't change, but our marriage but?
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: but our circum, our circumstances didn't change.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: But you just said, our relationship got better and I think when your relationship is better, it makes life easier oh, for sure, yeah, the point I was trying to make is, even though our circumstances didn't change at the time, our marriage was transformed.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: I believe a lot.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: I think so A lot, a lot so if you want an easier marriage.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Have date night every week.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be going out, but it's prioritizing that time.
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: It's saying I love you enough to put our marriage on the schedule for quality time, even just going on walks like we do.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: It's huge.
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: That's gonna make your marriage a lot easier, because then you have that one-on-one quality time.
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: Both of your needs are being met, because everyone has that same need, right.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: Everyone needs quality time, so I think that I think that makes marriage way easier.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I totally agree with that.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: We've seen it in our own marriage.
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: Yes, and resistance to change is a killer of making marriage feel easier.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would say if I'm opening up and being honest with myself, I am a little more resistant to change, maybe.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: You know, I think sometimes we get comfortable, we get afraid to change things, we um some people who are afraid to take risks and things like that.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: I think it's really important to be open to change and taking risks and doing those things.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: And doing those things in your, in your marriage as well.
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, marriage as well, absolutely, um.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: The next, the last one we're going to end on that makes our marriage harder is when we have a loss of intimacy, both physical and emotional, which creates disconnection, it creates distance and it totally just makes it hard to keep that passion and closeness over time in our relationship I can only speak for me, but like when we're not intimate sexually and connected emotionally and sexually, like marriage is awful and and I'm not- marriage is awful.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: What let me rephrase that, because I just I just caught what I was going to say, that it makes a huge difference when the intimacy sexually and emotionally is really good.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: Marriage is very, very difficult when the intimacy is cut off, like it's a, it's not a fun place to be in not after you've been at a place where it was awesome and thriving, correct?
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: right, that's what makes it awful is because if you've experienced ultimate intimacy in your marriage and then something happens, some barrier, some resentment gets in the way and that gets cut off All of a sudden.
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: It's like oh.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: I really want what I had before.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: I miss that so bad.
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: I miss that so bad.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is, it really is.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: When your marriage is good or I should say great like there's really nothing in life.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: That's better, At least for me.
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: I feel that way.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: I feel like when your marriage is at a really, really good place and it's like feels pretty easy, you're like we've got this, like we're a team, like we're raising our kids and we're intimate and we we have that passion and marriage really does feel easier, like it's such a beautiful place to be.
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: And it's almost addicting, like you're, like I want to stay here, I want to do everything that we can to keep this feeling, to keep this, and it's going to go up and down, it's going to go up and down, it is going to go up and down like a roller coaster and it's constant work to try to keep there.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: But, like you said, you have those feelings and understanding of what it's like when you have ultimate intimacy and then you lose it and you're like, oh, I want that back.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: What do we do to get that back?
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: You know, and when.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: But going back to the very first of, the podcast.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: what makes marriage hard is when one person wants a great marriage and the other person has become complacent or lazy or something has happened and they're just not there with the other person.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: They don't want to put forth the effort.
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: And that hurts.
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: That's what feels like ultimate rejection right.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: And so many of the audience reaching out to us.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: That is exactly what happens.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: There's one spouse that wants more than anything to have a wonderful marriage and the other spouse just has no interest and unfortunately it's hard Like what do you do?
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: There's not much you can do.
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: It takes two of you to get to where you want it to be so.
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: So if if you're both not on board with having an amazing marriage, like, find a professional marriage expert, counselor, therapist, whatever you want to call that really wants to help you like that's the key is finding someone who really wants to help you thrive, because that can be such a game changer yeah, yeah.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: So we, we really appreciate all of you listening to the podcast.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: We appreciate all your feedback.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: We really enjoy doing this and we hope that they are being very beneficial to you in your relationship as well.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: So 2025 Intimacy and Adventure Retreat is just around the corner, in like nine months, ten months.
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: So just around the corner, next year.
• 21:49
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• 21:52
  Speaker 2: If you have any questions, just email us.
• 21:53
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• 21:55
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• 21:58
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• 22:01
  Speaker 3: And it will make your marriage easier.
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely we're talking about making marriage easier.
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: Like you're going to learn tools from our favorite people in the world that speak all over, you're going to learn tools that are going to make your marriage thrive.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: They're amazing.
• 22:15
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• 22:17
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